TGIF! :)

Roast duck, sambal prawns, eggs scrambled with crabmeat, curry sting-ray, spinach-soup...

Oh yum...

They are all nestling in the pits of my stomach. Our NTS project team went out for lunch together (of course to discuss our project too) and our meal was on Michelle. :) Thanks, Michelle!

Back home now. Gonna pack and prepare for WTR. Hopefully, I will be able to fit in some time for exercise.

Have a great weekend, folks!

That space to change...

Left to right: Albert, Moses, Chris

Picture was taken during one of our breaks in between pastoral counseling classes. The guys in my class were give one another shoulder massages (awww....), performing spine-cracking stunts (literally)... and attempting to bear one another up by the elbows. A little hard to describe or explain, so I will leave it here. The girls just watched them in amazement and amusement (haha), although we were umm.... kinda apprehensive, coz the spine-cracking and elbow-lift stunts looked scaryyy....and rough.

Guys will be always guys.

I love my brothers... :)

Anyway...today's spiritual formation class under Dr. Sunny left me contemplating on how our Christian salvation transforms us.

How does it work? To quote Dr. Sunny, "We are converted when we work out our salvation in the space God has provided for us to grow and transform."

In other words, salvation in Christ is not merely a guaranteed spot in heaven, but the means of experiencing God's grace and power here on earth - in every area of our lives - so that we can truly change and live our lives to the fullest measure. And God knows that we do not transform overnight. We seldom give up sins, old emotional habits and old ways of living overnight. For this very reason, God, who knows that we are but dust, provides space for that process to happen in every area of our lives - just like how a caterpillar grows and transforms into a butterfly by being squished up into a cocoon, of which it must vigorously work to break free... Similarly as we abide in Him and in that 'space' get to know Him, experience His acceptance and love through trials and suffering, worship Him and grow in our intimacy with Him, we slowly tear ourselves away from the things that bind us - and by the power of God alone, these have to lose their grip on us - until we can choose NOT to be entangled with them anymore.

Conversion is not a moment, but a journey.

I thought of my battle with eating disorders. 10 years or more of struggling with a low self-image, self-condemnation and disordered eating patterns was a long time. When I became a Christian, I did not automatically break free from the bondages of EDs. For many more years, I still struggled to accept the fact that God loved me despite my sins, bondages, chains and shackles. But God did not meet me with condemnation, even whilst I still often lived a sucky life. Most of the time, I knew what was right and what was wrong...even though my life was often inconsistent with my values. But hey, God did not shut His ears to my prayers just because I wasn't a perfect Christian. He still comforted me when I cried out. He still provided my needs, gave me the most wonderful friends anyone could have and affirmed me through my brothers and sisters in Christ. He still drew me close into a beautiful friendship and relationship with Him - through which I experienced much grace.

That was where the miracle happened. I got busy loving Him, learning 'bout Him, building on my new friendships, serving Him, growing, etc. Gradually, disordered eating lost their grip on me. As I continued moving away - striving to eat balanced meals, stop counting calories, exercise regularly and to see myself as fearfully and wonderfully made - God continued working concomitantly in my life to strip away my old self and break the chains that had held me for so long.

I don't know when exactly I broke out of EDs... (it must have been somewhere in year 2008)... but one day, I realized that I wasn't binging or purging anymore. I wasn't counting calories or fat grams. I wasn't over-exercising. I wasn't hating myself anymore. Etc. Of course I still had my down days... but I mean gosh... can you imagine the joy of having been set free? I could choose not to binge or purge. I could choose to eat right and hold the right mindsets.

This is of course just one area in my life. I am still working on my many weaknesses by God's grace - and I know, He will complete every work He has begun in me in His perfect timing.

Having said that, friends, let us not place unrealistic expectations on our brothers and sisters in Christ with regards to their weaknesses. If God has given everyone the space to transform (including ourselves), should we play God and therefore impose our own standards on others just because we cannot tolerate their flaws?

Loads of projects...

...are keeping me up till 2 am everyday. @_@

It's time to wrap up and call it a day. Thursday has arrived. One more day before T.G.I.F and WAM retreat 2010!Good night, world!

Wednesday

Headache...

Actually it started with me trying my best to keep awake in class. I was so, so zombified this morning, the air-con was so chilly and our lecturer's voice seemed so umm... soothing - that it could have lulled me to sleep. (Think Rock-a-bye-baby...)

It didn't help that Winson Chee kept nodding on and on beside me. While that guy has a 'gift' for falling asleep (sometimes unnoticed) and yet maintaining his very-natural-posture in such a way that you'd never think he was asleep if not for his shut eyes and occasional nods (in fact he always looks like he's bowing his head in prayer), I have not such an advantage. I'd either do dramatic clockwise and anti-clockwise rolls of the head that would annoy the heck out of any lecturer (I bet!) or fall out of my seat into the aisle - if I ever happen to doze off in an upright position. So brutal...

You can thus imagine why it is necessary for me to work hard to keep awake. I've had enough of embarrassing myself back in med school. Last time, we had about 200 students in one auditorium. This time it's less than 20. No more a small fish in the big ocean! :P

The result of me forcing open my eyelids when they would have been better off shut = headache.

Anyway...

This afternoon, I came across 1 Cor 15:58 during QT that goes: "Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the LORD, because you know that your labor in the LORD is not in vain."

What a great reminder. LETS!

Holiday.... I need you...

Geez. I dislike falling asleep when I am not supposed to...

My appetite has been all haywire after that. I ate the weirdest combination of foods for dinner... and now, I am still craving random stuff. Plus my mouth's all dry.

Nice, cool, rainy day today... everything was good, except for the flying termites that found their way into my home. I don't think I was hospitable to them at all.

Gosh. I feel so lazy.

Tuesday

Today, I felt so dreamy in class...

So weird... these few days God has been speaking to me in various ways... about the need for more hours spent working on my piano and writing per day... (of course amongst the many other areas in my life that I have yet to work on) The funniest part was that in chapel today, Dr. Vincent happened to be the one preaching. This was of course the first time I've heard him preach (amazing preacher). Apparently, whenever he preaches, he would use the analogy of a pianist. (Vanessa told me that he plays the piano pretty well too.) Today, he did illustrate his points in that manner. I was pretty blown away by his sermon on the Shermah. But more than that, I felt...

...a call to excel in both style and substance of my musical work. A call to devote myself to a continuous diligent endeavor of stewardship.

Indeed, God deserves and requires the 'unblemished sacrificial lamb' of our work. The very fat. Its first-fruits. Excellence. It isn't about perfectionism or showmanship... but honoring God with the best we can do.

Christians, we've got to constantly check on our worldview. Is our Christian worldview reflected through our work?

Anyway...

Today ushered in a new music project. Thank You God for yet another opportunity to learn and to allow Your glory to be shown. Align my heart and mind with Yours, Lord. Amen.

Monday

Honestly...
Some people...
...scare me...

...and make me wonder if I am really that phlegmatic and passive... or they are the aggressive people... Wheeww... @_@' ~ Obviously I'm referring to birds not of the same feathers as I. Boy, strange feathers do they have...

I prefer to take things a little slower. Am I being too careful for my own good? Am I? Am I? But I really don't feel comfy about the way things are worr.... :( ... yet.

Can we like... slow down a little? Make sure it is the right thing to do before we proceed? Keep low profile first or something?

God, please arrest the progress of anything that is ahead of Your timing. Please. Have mercy. And please don't let me get into trouble for things that I did not approve...Shield me from unnecessary troubles.

Weekend's over...

Quite a happening weekend...

Was dragged to attend the EFC leadership summit... Initially I thought I'd 'escape' attending it this year, because I badly wanted a rest - and also because I wanted an excuse to avoid playing the theme song I wrote for the conference...(yeah, a little like Jonah...) :S ~ Actually, the song was inspired by God ler... so I wouldn't say that I came up with it myself. But somehow, the thought of playing it in front of all those datuk-datuk, doktor-doktor, pastor-pastor dan leaders-leaders sekalian made me shudder.

Aihh... didn't get to escape... Although my EFC mates did not succeed in convincing me to go, Ben convinced me to attend the conference on Saturday... saying that it was very good and stuff. I gave in at last. And since we were like both small fry's compared to all the 'giants' out there... we kinda stuck to one another as if we were joined at the hip :P Here he was on the first day of the summit.It was a very good summit btw. Listened to the pastors, teachers, leaders, etc humbly sharing their hearts for the nation and our country, Malaysia...and the passionate work God had enabled them to do in their respective communities - for the poor, victims of injustice, rejected, weak and sick, strengthening the schools which the society has deemed 'hopeless', etc... Amazing. Salt and light to the world, these people are. Dedicated, sacrificial warriors. Seriously, they seem so fearless... even though I know it isn't that easy. I was so inspired.Then hor... a surprise sprang on me. May, one of the organizers of the event, came up and asked me if I could sing and play my composition... instead of the initial plan, whereby the worship leader was supposed to lead the song... @_@' Felt so trapped. The picture above shows me 'bargaining' and in denial... begging... "Must I really...?" Sei mei? :P But upon Ben's encouragement, I decided not to be intimidated or disobedient... and trust God. Wasn't too bad after all. The first time I played and sang the song myself - as a performance. Ben sat around to support me. The second time, I worked together with our very sweet pianist, Eveleen Chan... she played the piano while I led the congregation in the singing of the song.
She did a very good job too! :) Was amazing working with her. I do look forward to any future opportunities to work with her more closely. (How come so many of my pianist friends are Chans?)

Truly appreciate all the sincere encouragement of the people who heard the song (it also certainly blessed me to hear them singing along to it) and very thankful for God's grace and mercy that enabled me to go up there to sing His song without fainting... (Before I played it the first time, I was so scared and faithless, that I thought I'd keel over from hyperventilation and tachycardia...then my legs were trembling like jelly while I was on stage! It certainly did not help that my bladder was FULL on that morning's fluids and coffee...and I didn't have time to make it to the loo before I got on stage...) Also, so humbled by this opportunity I initially tried to run away from... :P An opportunity for God to glorify Himself.

I feel the life coming back. That which I feel I have lost for a long time.

The picture of exhaustion...after a long long day...*PHEW*...This was at Matsuki's, where we dined with some of our CG members that night. Good time of fellowshipping. Love them all.

The very much loved... :)

Sunday... on the way to church

T.G.I.F!!!

So happy. It's FRIDAY! Again.

Today, I was privileged to lunch with Ben after classes... before my meeting with Mr. WKC at the MBTS library. What's the big deal about it? Hehe, well... I've never had lunch with him on school days before this... we're usually on opposite ends of the island. And I hardly eat out on weekday afternoons. I'd go home and settle with my humble but yummy economy rice lunch box. Today however, he's attending a leadership summit at Paradise Sandy Bay... so we got to eat at Ananda Bahwan together. What a treat! I think I prefer Ananda Bahwan at night though, because it was freaking hot in the afternoon...I had to park my car a little distance away from the back entrance - and walk there in the SUN... *sweats* Almost got blinded by the glaring sunlight too... ~_~ I did enjoy the company though.

I need to go and shop for my lenses after this... Then I'd better quickly go home and begin on my 'last draft' of Mr. Wong KC's assignment: validity of the biblical account of the exodus... also, not to mention the exegesis of Isaiah 6....

Have a great weekend people!!!

Yippeee....

Phew... For once I am able to finish a draft of my B.I. homework a few days before the deadline...so that Dr. Lawson can have a look through it and tell me how to improve my assignment before I pass up the final draft of it this coming Tuesday...

Will be seeing Mr. Wong KC tomorrow...to discuss my Exodus paper. Apparently, we still have a chance to make changes to it before we say "Enough is enough." Even though the deadline for this paper is long over...and I was supposed to have passed up my 'final' draft quite a while ago. You see how gracious and generous he is... :P

Today I was sick. Dizzy and stomach ached. Plus, I hurt my neck...yet again. Suspect that the hurt neck caused all the dizziness. Hope tomorrow, I will be ok... coz I cannot afford to miss classes.

Thursday

Pastoral counseling class again today.

As usual, I had alot of difficulties today. I am really not good at putting many words to emotions. Or expressing myself verbally. Give me music, dance, mime, a shoulder to cry on or a canvas with some oil-paint and a set of brushes... I would show you perfectly... how I feel. Ask me to describe to you how I feel with words... I'd probably take a longer time to think of (1) how I am actually feeling (many times, I can't even pin-point!) and (2) how to word the emotion. Then you'd get pretty general stuff like... emo, stressed, frustrated, happy, confused, etc. Coz I am not even sure that I feel exactly that way. Many times, I feel many different emotions in one go... most of the time, especially if negative, they are all mingled together into some giant mutant gunk clogging up the pipes that attempt to drain them out...I was much worse before I blogged... or got together with Ben. He initially had a difficult time getting the introverted me to express the deeper parts of my feelings verbally even though I had blogged for years, prior to that. And Ben... he's no mind reader. By that time, I could already write him letters/emails to express myself clearly - but I still got stuck when I had to verbalize. Nowadays, I still get stuck sometimes. So I cry all the time... if I am emo, sad, angry, distressed, disturbed, etc. All the tension within me just oozes out through tears. Thank God I can now more naturally say things like, "I am feeling upset..." without bursting into tears first.

If I don't know how to pinpoint my own emotions, can you imagine me trying to pinpoint another person's emotions? Or another person's mutant gunk?!?

We were practicing verbal empathy today... Empathy in pastoral counseling is a little different from empathy in the medical doctor-patient context. Back then, I had a very limited few emotions (of the patients) to deal with. Mostly worry, anxiety, depression, fear and panic I suppose. But gosh, pastoral counseling? It's beyond me!

The counselor is supposed to say, "I see... you are feeling ...*insert emotion*... because *insert reason*." Empathy, btw, is not about feeling sorry or compassionate for another... (there is always a place for compassion in pastoral counseling of course) but rather, empathy is attempting to stand in that person's shoes and identify with his/her emotions. I'm ok with standing in the other person's shoes... but as you can imagine, I am still not good at verbalizing my emotions.... so I can't exactly define the mutant gunk of that person whilst in his/her shoes!

For practice, we were supposed to take turns being the pastor/counselor... and another person tells a sob story, while the last person in the group assesses the pastor/counselor.

When Pam told me her sob story, I actually felt so emotional myself... @_@'... which is a no-no. I felt like NOT being professional and objective. You know this reminds me of the time, when my sister, Zoey, told me her sad sad sad story, and I cried in the cafe listening to her story... when she wasn't even crying... much to her embarassment. The counselee is NOT supposed to have to comfort the counselor, btw. Anyway, when I was supposed to empathize with Pam, I found myself feeling her and sympathizing ~ "Aiyooo...." or "Ohhhh....." but not being able to say, "I see that you are feeling *.....* because *.........*" Of course there were other things I was supposed to use... minimal phrases, paraphrases, summaries, non-verbal language, etc. Verbal empathy was the most difficult.

Thank God, Mrs. Lawson was around. She kindly helped me to do it a little better. I tried it again later...on Winson... and I'm slowly getting the hang of it now. Guess practice makes perfect yeah?

Like I said before, I'd be better off a friend than a counselor.... :P Oklah...at least for now.

This year...

...has been stretching me like a rubber band - and will continue to stretch me... so much so that I don't think I will ever return to my original shape after this. I guess it's supposed to be a good thing, in this context.I still have got alot of deadlines to meet this term... right until the last day of the semester (14/5/2010) - there's slightly more than 3 weeks of bertungkus-lumus to go.... but nothing beats the JOY of knowing that I've got a 3-weeks break after that... before we head on to the CRAZY intensive-ness of STCM term. (Won't think of that now...8.00am-5.00pm classes everyday of the week? Crazy.) Cameron Highlands, KL and Singapore...here I come!!!

You know what? I will shout my lungs out on the 14th of May... just to release all the pent-up tensions of the term...

Ben and I will celebrate yet another anniversary on the 15th of May :) The year ahead is gonna usher in loads of new challenges for the both of us... including more than 3 months (cumulatively) of apart-ness thanks to his work trip to US and my mission trip to Europe/Poland *snifff*... and our mission trip into the jungle of Sarawak together with the rest of the Penan team - just to mention a few. It has been a beautiful year of courtship behind us...not without its difficulties of course. Must really praise God that this year is much better than the year before! He has answered many of our prayers, grown the both of us through our pains, tears and struggles - individually and as a couple, helped us to straighten out many issues (many more to straighten out still... realistically speaking!) and given us the joy of serving Him together...in many ways. It has been both fun and inspiring. Thank You, Lord.

Definitely looking forward to an even better year ahead.... and many many many more to come! :)

Definitely looking forward to WTR next weekend... even though there is a possibility I will have to bring my homework along to Copthorne Orchid that weekend. And my room-mate, Pig, is now sick! Poor thing. Let's hope she quickly recovers by this week.

Wednesday

One more person asked me today...

"Are you from China?"

Pam answered before I could utter a word... "YES! She's from China!" *grinning*

@_@'

One of the hardest things...

One of the hardest things to do is...

...shoving aside all resentment and bitterness... getting out of the 'mad' mode... forgiving... and loving someone like you are gonna lose him/her tomorrow.

And of course ~ accepting that vulnerability of laying yourself down for another... who may potentially hurt you again.

God, how can you love a person like me? Help me love graciously like you do.

Tuesday

I am feeling deep blue. Deep blue like the deep sea...

This term, many things seem to make me emo and unhappy somehow. I am not depressed for no reason, ok. I DON'T have major depressive disorder, haha. So Louise, I don't think I fit into the DCM-IV criteria for that.

What cheered me up today was the sight of the yellow flowers which had fallen from the trees (thanks to the wind and rain last night and this morning) paving the main roads with a wholesome golden yellow. Pretty!:) I gave contented sighs while driving my car along those roads while being pelted with yet more yellow flowers fluttering down from the bushy green trees. Ah, the bliss.

Saw Dr. L for my BI corrections. So sienz :( ~ what an unfavorite subject. O God, let me faithfully endure till the end.

NT Survey I classes commenced today.

...and Monday ends...

Boo hoo! :'(

It's back to Biblical Interpretation tomorrow. Boo hoo. I've gotta see Dr. Lawson about my previous assignment tomorrow (d/t unsatisfactory 'structuring' of Philippians 1:27-30 *sigggggghhh*)... and it will be time to begin on the next assignment - to be handed up next week, Tuesday.

*In denial*

I feel like so far, B.I is my least favorite subject. Seriously. Even though it's necessary...I will be honest here... >.< The most tiring and tedious subject EVER. (I like our lecturer though. He must be such a brilliant man...) But we all know that 'no pain, no gain'... so now while the pain is GREAT and agonizing, let us be faithful and perseverent, that out of this will birth forth good fruits. Mmm....

I'm finding out more and more...that I am NOT a preaching kind of person. Hehehe. As in I don't think God has made me to preach. Give me discipleship anytime...

Monday musings

You know how they always say that "...the quest for one's identity reaches its zenith during adolescence" ?

Me thinks that it is very funny that I have long exceeded adolescence (ok, maybe not so long ago)... but I seem to be still seeking my identity. Actually, I think the quest for my identity peaked only long after adolescence ended.

Ben said this on Saturday: "Finding God's will is not a moment, but a process." The journey counts, not just the destination.

I've been thinking of going back to the arts recently. Or rather, I feel an urge to return to a passion I've laid aside for quite a while (since I decided that I'd go to med school), only to be expressed once in a while through random opportunities. The thing that truly makes me happy... and which (I feel) God has often been gracious to use as a medium to make others happy. I'd love to create art that is theologically sound, art that may not directly speak but reflects God's redemption and love.... and lastly, art that sincerely and honestly expresses my response to life and what He's done for me. And when I say 'art' I mean all kinds. Music, writing, design, choreography, etc.

Sounds like a mere dream huh? :)

Weekend's over

Can I fly without wings?

Had a great weekend... Took a break off my studies (it was starting to turn a little oppressive)...

...and spent time doing CG-related things, read a good book, watched 'The Clash of the Titans' (absolutely loved it because it reminds of all the Greek Mythology I read before - and despite the reviews I've heard, I thought the movie was fantastic), ate till I grew round, spent time with Ben, MYF on Sunday, and I slept whenever I could. *Stretches and yawns*

This week, it's back to work and I need to go back to a healthier diet with good exercise.

Sorry if I have been boring you to death with my posts recently. I thought I'd keep most of my recent thoughts private (I'd probably bore you somemore with all my issues anyway)...my friends have been extremely busy too....then again, I've been crazy-busy, cranky from the lack of sleep (< 5 hours of sleep/night), and my life has been revolving around my studies. Work. It feels like I've been writing paper after paper, non-stop (so yuck)... deprived of quality time with the Lord... and yes, I am growing side-ways from the want of exercise. Sigh.

But oh well... let's hope I will emerge victoriously out of all these... and by God's grace, I believe I will.

Friday

Something awesome happened today.

One of the people who wrote on my dad's bible (which I now own) in the 70's (Pastor Ernie) wrote me an email today.

What an honor!! :D

Sometimes, God sends us pleasant surprises like this to remind us that He watches over us. Our coming ins and going outs.

Unit 3 project...

...done.

I so need a holiday. Counting down: 1 more month to go.

Thursday

Push me an empty tic-tac-toe grid anytime in class... and I'll fill in a nought or a cross.

You wouldn't expect that of me, would you? :P

It may surprise you that I watch TV sometimes...when I am bored. Even if it is Desperate Housewives. It doesn't mean that I agree with all the values. I don't. But it is an interesting drama-serial. It helps me understand women - the hearts of mothers and wives...and of course, um, the seductress. The women I want to reach out to. Plus, it helps me understand myself better too - as a woman.

I love the Discovery/National Geographic/Animal planet channels alot btw.

I listen to the radio. Yes, I do not agree with many of the things sung about in the songs - especially regarding love or extra-marital sex. But they help me understand the cultures of today - so that I can relate a little more to the youths. And of course, I always admire talent and good musical compositions/arrangements.

Yes, I don't only listen to classical, jazz and Christian music.

I read secular, girly magazines (not gossip ones though) which include Female, CLEO, Women's Weekly, etc. Again, I do not condone simply all the advice given in their glossy pages ... but it doesn't mean that such magazines cannot provide good solutions and tips (beauty-, health-, medical-, relationship-, and etc-related), news, great general knowledge (oh no kidding... evidence-based ones too), good recipes, housekeeping helps, etc.

Of course, there are no substitutes for good books! :)

Dilema...

Apakah yang patut dilakukan sekiranya terdapat rakan yang tidak sensitif terhadap perasaan anda setiap kali dia menyatakan sesuatu? Ataupun rakan yang sering tunjuk-menunjuk kehebatannya berbanding dengan orang lain?

Inilah masalah yang saya hadapi kebelakangan ini.

Kadang-kadang, perkataannya menimbulkan rasa marah dan tersinggung, namun saya cuba memendamkannya di hati. Tidak berani meluahkan perasaan yang sebenar. Sentiasa mengingatkan diri supaya sabar bertahan, rendah diri, murah hati dan bertolak ansur terhadap rakan ini. Mungkinkah dia yang tidak sedar akan implikasi perkataannya? Mungkinkah saya yang angkuh sampai perkataan-perkataan sebegini mudah menyebabkan hati terluka? Ah, saya pun kurang pasti. Mungkinkah rakan ini sebenarnya kurang berkeyakinan diri dan oleh itu, menonjolkannya dengan tidak sengaja dalam percakapan...sampai menyinggung perasaan orang yang lain? Kadang-kadang, saya juga berbelas kasihan terhadapnya - kerana tidak mempunyai ramai kawan. Risau juga apabila melihat segelintir orang sahaja yang sanggup bergaul dengannya. Itupun bukanlah persahabatan yang boleh dikira erat ataupun betul-betul ikhlas. Ada sesiapa di antara mereka yang akan membantunya, jikalau dalam kesusahan? Ada sesiapakah yang berupaya hidup dalam kesepian?

Apakah yang patut saya lakukan sebagai seorang rakan? Adakah memadai sekiranya saya hanya berdoa mengenai perkara ini? Saya memang tidak mahu melukai perasaannya. Apakah cara yang terbaik untuk menghadapinya tanpa menimbulkan perselisihan faham? Maklumlah, saya tidak mahir menyelesaikan konflik. Sekiranya tanggapan saya benar dan dia tidak berkeyakinan diri, dapatkah suatu perbincangan mudah mengatasi masalah ini sekaligus? Atau mungkinkah masalah ini bertambah rumit? Mungkinkah dia menganggap saya sebagai penyibuk dan tidak mahu meneruskan persahabatan kami?

Bagaimanakah saya harus mendorongnya?

Tuhan memang menyeru umat-Nya agar merendahkan diri dan setia mengasihi orang yang lain, biarpun musuh. Biarpun orang yang menyusahkan kita. Beranikah kita mengakui bahawa kita mengasihi Tuhan, jikalau kita tidak dapat memaafkan dan mengasihi saudara/saudari sendiri?

Kasih itu sabar, kasih itu murah hati, ia tidak cemburu.... Ia tidak memegahkan diri dan tidak sombong. Ia tidak melakukan yang tidak sopan ataupun mencari keuntungan diri-sendiri. Ia tidak pemarah dan menyimpan kesalahan orang lain. Ia tidak bersukacita kerana ketidakadilan tapi kerana kebenaran. Ia menutupi segala sesuatu, percaya segala sesuatu, mengharapkan segala sesuatu dan menanggung segala sesuatu. Demikianlah tinggal ketiga-tiga hal ini: iman, pengharapan dan kasih.... yang paling besar di antaranya adalah kasih. Inilah yang terkandung dalam petikan 1 Korintus 13 yang dikenali ramai tu.

Tuhan, saya berdoa agar Engkau memberkati persahabatan kami. Berikanlah saya kekuatan dan kebijaksanaan agar saya dapat menghadapi cabaran ini dengan tabah. Saya tidak bermaksud menyimpan perasaan dengki dan dendam terhadap rakan ini - namun saya sering terasa keberatan untuk menyapanya... Tambahan lagi kurang mempedulikan keperluan rakan ini. Saya sedar akan segala silap dan kesalahan saya, dan meminta bantuan agar saya dapat terus bersabar, berbelas kasihan dan bertimbang rasa terhadap rakan ini. Malah mengasihinya dengan ikhlas dan suka cita. Dalam nama Yesus, amin.

Tuesday

Back to school. Handed up my Augustine research paper. Phew. I am finally done with most of the assignments from the 1st half of the term.

Had my TJTA score review with Mrs. L (one of the students' counselor at MBTS) today. Basically, all students have to take this test (Taylor-Johnson Temperament Analysis) upon entering the seminary. It serves as a fairly accurate measure of one's temperament with regards to his/her traits - eg. nervous vs composed, depressive vs light-hearted, active-social vs quiet, expressive-responsive vs inhibited, etc... It also helps one to serve better in one's ministry, having understood himself/herself alot better. Mrs. L would score our tests and invite us (on appointment basis) to her office for a one-on-one session, whereby our scores would be explained in detail and associations between the temperaments/personality traits with how we tend to deal with certain situations or people would be pointed out.

Eye-opening. I really liked the way Mrs. L mapped out my profile so that I could see the 'big picture' of how I fell into eating disorders and what influences my emotional patterns even presently. Extremes and all.

Now, to do Dr. Lawson's assignments. Countdown to freedom: 32 more days.

Done

Another item on my to-do-list down. Bye-bye Augustine of Hippo! :) At least for a while.

Monday randoms

Many things sobered me up pretty much in the past few days. Unexpected news, sudden changes, sad stuff, etc.

...but at least - I've gotten some laughter back. And you know what they say: Laughter is good medicine. I am still laughing over this one conversation I had with Ben at Giant Hypermarket yesterday. I was going to buy a new tub of night cream for the face.

Me: Umm, should I buy the one with whitening properties or the one with *xxxxx* (=something I'd rather keep a secret :P I kinda don't like people knowing what I use on my face. Haha.)???

Ben: Huh??? Whitening!!? *Shocked look* But...but...you are already so fair. Zhong yong gum geh yeh... Lei oi lei geh min fatt gong ah??? (Cantonese-English translation: If you still use that kind of stuff... you want your face to shine/reflect light isit?)

Sorry my cantonese isn't that good either :P

I laughed and laughed. Who knows, my face could even glow in the dark. I ended up buying the face-cream with *xxxxx* in it.

Anyways...

I will be going to Singapore during the May holidays (1st time in 3 years!) to visit a few of my closest friends... beloved, beautiful people, who've been such support to me throughout my studies, ministry (and life!) - my covenant sisters - Laura and Ji. Also, I really desire to personally thank one particular lady, Aunty May Ling (her husband and the rest of the family too), whom I have never met in my life... but who has been so sensitive to God's prompting to support my schooling in so many ways in the past year. Looking forward to this trip. It will be GOOD!

More blogging if I get to finish my research paper on Augustine of Hippo today.

Weekend...randoms.

I ditched my homework the whole weekend =x

On purpose.

Was trying to relief some stress. I also realized that I'm starting to look like a little *........* :P (Daniel Song, one of our youths, accidentally called me 'Aunty' today...much to my horror. I thought I was supposed to be called che-che Grace?!??) I better start exercising properly from next week onwards.

Then I found dandruff in my hair (or rather I was complaining about a little itch -I was afraid that some of the ticks from the 2 puppies we had in my car yesterday had gotten into my hair and was feeling extremely sensitive to any kind of sensation on my scalp! Ben looked at the roots of my hair and found the real culprit! NOT ticks or kutu, but dandruff. I must been having it for some time already this term...since the other day, Mark Tan commented that he thought he saw dandruff in my hair - but I didn't believe him - coz I never had a dandruff problem all my life.) For the first time in my life too! And it ain't funny. Small, itsy-bitsy powdery flakes, when I scratch my head. The stress must have given me an oily scalp (or isit supposed to be dry??) - and now dandruff has appeared! Not a serious issue definitely, but I am freaking out for sure! I hope it cures soon. I say TIDAK to dandruff!!! :(

Some of the highlights this weekend:

1. CG ... we got into Nehemiah chapter 4. It was a refreshing time of Bible study.

2. Lunch with Wei Nin, Louise and Ben today, after church... We ate at Mc-donalds Sunrise Tower. Savoured the fellowship loads. I also tried the Berry Mudpie Mc-flurry. LOVED IT!!! Those berry bits in the ice-cream, teamed up with the Oreo crumbs did wonders to a simple Mc-flurry. I find it is more interesting than just chocolate sauce and Oreo crumbs.

3. Watching Hachiko. It was so sad that I cried. Ben also cried. (So you have an idea how sad it was!) Very good way to release the pent up tears, I guess. Also, I again am looking to getting a dog one day.

4. Worship practice on Friday... was a back-up vocallist for worship today. Although, the musicians were slightly disorientated in practice on Friday, praise God that He made all things work together for good today. I had so much peace today.

Came down with a sore-throat after church though...

After a restful weekend, it's time to go back to work for Tuesday's deadline. And Wednesday's. And Friday's.

Countdown to 15th May: 34 days! I've got alot of work to do till then! Pray for me please!!!

Augustine of Hippo

... That's my research topic for Church History 1.

Today, I didn't manage to do much. Something (a big hoo-hah) came up after lunch that made me super-duper worked up, frustrated, peeved, depressed, disappointed etc *insert all kinds of negative emotions you can think of*. I was so exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally after it was done.... that I took a long nap in the afternoon (in denial)...woke up, tried to get into my assignment... but ended up watching American Idol *Guiltified look* at night. Was engaged in this super LONG telephone conversation after American Idol that pushed me to my limits, kind of - so emotionally tired I am right now.

Basically I had a long, weepy sort of day. Sorry for being vague. I am just too tired to explain. And it's too private.

Thursday

Let down.

Are our eyes the windows to our souls? What else can it be but a flood in there, if the windows cannot help, but let out water? If not, what a mystery it is!

I don't know why...

...I feel so cross. So mang zhang. So...um, rebellious (?) :(

God, please give me joy, patience and faith. Help me be more rational and choose not to lau gai. I don't want to sulk and look un-pretty! :P

Wednesday

Mid-week blues. I am so in need of God. Drained....

Gulp. *Meooowwww* Help!

...In need of all the strength I can get to juggle my studies, ministry work (seriously all that backlog...) and relationship. I'm just too burdened and overwhelmed for words.

Please don't sermonize me if you can :P (I know you mean well. But I actually know what I need to do and don't exactly need a reminder or a solution for my sad, sad situation)... but I'd appreciate if you kept me in prayer. And any words of comfort/encouragement would be greatly welcomed.

Anyway...

Today, I went to Tesco's to look for Printer Ink. I was appalled that they have not been bringing stock in for ages already. Can you imagine what would have happened if my printer ran out of ink yesterday, while I tengah-tengah printing out my project? I would have driven to Tesco's late at night, only to find out that there is no stock for the kind of cartridge ink I use. Ah, thank God indeed... that there was just sufficient ink to print out the papers!

Laterzzz....

How to balance...?

I hate being Job's Comforter. Honestly I do. I hate it when I feel an irresistable urge to open my mouth to speak, before I've finished listening or before the person has gotten everything off his/her heart. I will feel bad about it, if I've been a bad listener. Or a judgmental one.

But...

But... but....

I think I get too emotionally involved in people's problems sometimes. I was going through the pastoral counseling class, and I couldn't help thinking to myself - I will probably never make a good, sound-minded counselor when it comes to dealing with depressed people. While I could be a good friend - give you a shoulder to cry on, encourage (perhaps) and even cry WITH you - I wouldn't be able to detach myself and look at your problem as a 'case' and help you look more rationally at the 'big picture'. (Ok, maybe, I feel super discouraged now, that's why I am so negative 'bout my ability to cope with people like that). And when I talk to a super depressed person who talks in a 'hopeless'-and-I've-given-up kind of tone and keeps ruminating on the same problem (just when you think she/he has found peace in God, she/he goes back to square one) - I will get affected myself...unless I ain't that close to her/him. Worse still if she/he is a loved one.

One depressed person talked to me today. I didn't know that this person was depressed, wasn't prepared to deal with it (was more like hoping for some light-hearted talk after my long day of doing my assignment)... and now, I am equally depressed...and am sorta reluctant to get up tomorrow morning to fact a new day. I know - I wasn't thinking that rationally when I told this person this: "Can you not laugh a little when you talk about your problem?" :S

Sorry for sounding heartless.

Grrrrrr.

Yeeaaaah!

I'm finally done with my KC Wong Research Paper! *in disbelief* Yeaaaah!! :D

Thank God that everything finally fell in place. Thank God that my last cartridge of black ink managed to stretch out till I had gotten all the papers printed out. (I forgot to buy printer-ink. When I realized how low the ink level had dipped, it was too late to drive out to Tesco's. Was sitting nervously in front of the printer, praying that the ink would be sufficient. And it was.)

*Mental note: Tomorrow, must go to Tesco's and buy printer-ink*

Now, I can go and enjoy the rest of the evening (nurse my aching head and ringing ears --> not kidding). Tomorrow, I will have to start on the Church History papers... and B.I. And loads and loads more. But I am happy that I've at least finished this one. *Yaaay*

It's the end of trying to argue for the historicity of the Exodus. My conclusion: It really happened the way the Bible put it. :P Lazy to try and convince you, ady...All the evidence is out there. (I don't think I'll make too good a Biblical background teacher.)

Countdown to freedom: 38 more days to go! Yippeeeeee!!!!!

Oh, I forgot. Praise God, my Music and Missions research paper finally returned after a long time of not seeing it. I was beginning to wonder if my lecturer forgot to mark my paper. Thank You, God for marks beyond my expectations. I am hoping to see my Discipleship in Youth results slip soon.

crazy start to the week :D

After a crazy weekend + off-day of rushing assignments (I am still rushing assignments, btw) and Easter...

...the week kicked off with more adrenaline pumping through my veins. *laughs*

Literally.

I drank a flask of coffee this morning before chapel (won't name the brand - but I've only begun drinking it today - coz I had intended to try something new). Ben's mum saw it in my groceries-bag the day before... and thoughtfully warned me that the coffee may contain 'stuff' that would cause me to become hyperactive. I didn't really believe her, coz the packet did not mention anything about the 'stuff' in the list of ingredients. But today, when I smelt the coffee... it smelt kinda strange. Normal coffee scent plus a little 'more'. I ignored the alarm bells going off in my head, drank the coffee in class...

...and the next thing I knew...

I was becoming restless and extremely nervous. In class, I kept getting distracted by my thoughts (and they were of totally random things, mind you). My heart was kinda racing, my mouth was dry - and I wanted to throw up. Badly. I was not sure if the effects were due to the smell of the coffee, the caffeine (how much of this can they put into 3-in-1 coffee?) or the extra 'stuff' not mentioned in the list of ingredients. Or anything apart from the coffee (?)

It didn't help that I was going to play in the worship team for chapel later on. I wouldn't usually get so nervous about a chapel service - even though I felt ill-prepared for worship. When it comes to music, I don't mind spontaneity. In fact, today I was even stressed about playing the piano! @_@' Dear me.

Nervously, I prayed before the service started.

I really believe God heard my prayer. I didn't really do anything out-of-ordinary. The usual band 'emergencies' were dealt with quite well. The musicians were pretty co-operative and alert - improvised when they needed to (Appreciate them so much) Praise God! The people in the chapel sang their hearts out to worship Him.

I'm fine now.

Just wondering what I am to do with the rest of the satchets of 3-in-1+1-mysterious-ingredient coffee. :P

Joy, joy, joy

Good Friday in school. This was the cross outside chapel, on which some of us had nailed stuff - personal reflections on Good Friday and Easter Day.

Someone's family got baptized on Saturday...Praise the Lord!!

Photographers of the day. This was at Stella Maris beach.

Those who were to be baptized... (Ben's dad, mum and bro (James) starting 2nd from the left) - they looked excited.

James in the white tshirt.

The people who had come to witness the baptism.

Pst. Hwa Jen and Pst. Lee (English and Hokkien congregation pastors from Wesley Methodist Church) reading Scripture and giving a short message before the baptism... Then they prayed.

Ben's dad walking rather victoriously out of the sea after his turn :) Yaaay! (Sorry, the pics are small...for larger images, click on the individual pics.)

Ben's mum getting baptized - bravely. She was rather afraid of the whole immersion thingy (I don't know where she got the idea that 'cacing' would come up from the grounds and nibble at her toes. She was also rather wary of the huge waves) - but I'm so glad that she decided to go for it by faith. So proud of her!:D

James getting baptized...(Here's where I nearly cried coz if not for God's hand upon this family, he wouldn't have wanted to get baptized this year.)

The people who got baptized and their families...The Wongs are up front - James, Uncle and Aunty Wong. Thanks to family and friends who have been praying for them.

Thank You, God, for this beautiful day :)

So sad...

Today, Ee Ling mei-mei dropped in to my CG just to see me... but I was not around. :(

Good Friday

We had Good Friday service in MBTS chapel today. It was a simple, solemn and yet beautiful event. Today, more than 2000 years ago, Jesus was crucified on the cross for our sins. Our brothers and sisters partook of the Lord's Supper together and remembered Him - the reason we've given our lives to serve.

Took some time to reflect on my walk with God today. I desire and need more. More intimacy, less inconsistencies. More faithfulness on my side, less complacency. More of Him, less of me. More obedience, less procrastination. More love for others, less selfishness and anger. More contentment, less of my bad emotional habits. More patience, less complaints. More joy and a bigger bundle of smiles for others - as God has first rejoiced over me with shouts of joy. (Zeph 3:17)

More victory, less defeat. A life, utterly soaked in the presence of God.

In Christ alone.

Yea, Lord. Draw me close to You.

Thursday

Today a new offer came - which got me pretty nervous 'bout things... coz it's got to do with my future + ministry. A pretty good offer to many - but to me, it just creates a sense of serba-salah-ness because of its goods and not-so-goods. It disrupts my comfort :P (NOT that I am THAT comfortable in my present circumstances... but you know what I mean. I thought I was pretty settled already with the way things are. I am the melancholic phlegmatic that does not adapt too well to changes.)

The offer came with conditions.

Conditions. Can I run away from them? They are consequences of course. Consequences of an offer that will either lead me the right way or the wrong way. I am in a dilemma... because there is inevitably fear of the unknown. What if I take the offer, but cannot cope with the consequences? What if I refuse an offer which was supposed to bring me to the right path? Uncertainties.

O my poor aching head!

I need discernment. For goodness sake, I need to know what's going to happen in my life for the next 2-3 years at least! Plus, now I am attached. It is harder to make a decision. *Groans* If only I were the guy in the relationship :P (Haha... this is where submission comes into the picture, huh?)

I have a whole month to think and pray about it.

Recharged...

Was at church for MLM-training this evening.

It was so good... as always. Gives me a balanced view of things - between the pastoral ministry and evangelism/missions, church ministry and marketplace ministry, servant role and leadership role, etc. I have to say that it's a nice supplement to my seminary equipping. It always challenges me afresh to live my life with purpose too.

I've been working on a song for the Leadership Summit in April... The song took shape by God's grace about 3 weeks ago. After showing it to Pst. R the other day, I was advised to change 2 lines of the song. He specified what he wanted me to put in. For the longest 2 weeks, I had no idea how to fit the words to the original tune of the song. All in all, it was rather humbling. I was quite ready to give up on the task :P

However, I wanna praise God that He provided me a solution TODAY! Just now, I sat behind one lady pastor at MLM (I can't remember her name!)...and my eyes happened to fall on the words on her T-shirt. Actually, they were from a verse from the Bible (Book of Isaiah)... Some of the words were sort of highlighted - and I realized that they helped me to tie in Pst. R's words nicely with the tune of the song! :) Perfecto! Got me humming softly and smiling to myself for the rest of the class - after that light-bulb moment!

Thank You, Lord for making her sit in front of me today.

I'm feeling much better today somehow - after last night's good sleep, God's comfort and a hug from Ben.

Thank you all for praying for me!