Thursday

Pastoral counseling class again today.

As usual, I had alot of difficulties today. I am really not good at putting many words to emotions. Or expressing myself verbally. Give me music, dance, mime, a shoulder to cry on or a canvas with some oil-paint and a set of brushes... I would show you perfectly... how I feel. Ask me to describe to you how I feel with words... I'd probably take a longer time to think of (1) how I am actually feeling (many times, I can't even pin-point!) and (2) how to word the emotion. Then you'd get pretty general stuff like... emo, stressed, frustrated, happy, confused, etc. Coz I am not even sure that I feel exactly that way. Many times, I feel many different emotions in one go... most of the time, especially if negative, they are all mingled together into some giant mutant gunk clogging up the pipes that attempt to drain them out...I was much worse before I blogged... or got together with Ben. He initially had a difficult time getting the introverted me to express the deeper parts of my feelings verbally even though I had blogged for years, prior to that. And Ben... he's no mind reader. By that time, I could already write him letters/emails to express myself clearly - but I still got stuck when I had to verbalize. Nowadays, I still get stuck sometimes. So I cry all the time... if I am emo, sad, angry, distressed, disturbed, etc. All the tension within me just oozes out through tears. Thank God I can now more naturally say things like, "I am feeling upset..." without bursting into tears first.

If I don't know how to pinpoint my own emotions, can you imagine me trying to pinpoint another person's emotions? Or another person's mutant gunk?!?

We were practicing verbal empathy today... Empathy in pastoral counseling is a little different from empathy in the medical doctor-patient context. Back then, I had a very limited few emotions (of the patients) to deal with. Mostly worry, anxiety, depression, fear and panic I suppose. But gosh, pastoral counseling? It's beyond me!

The counselor is supposed to say, "I see... you are feeling ...*insert emotion*... because *insert reason*." Empathy, btw, is not about feeling sorry or compassionate for another... (there is always a place for compassion in pastoral counseling of course) but rather, empathy is attempting to stand in that person's shoes and identify with his/her emotions. I'm ok with standing in the other person's shoes... but as you can imagine, I am still not good at verbalizing my emotions.... so I can't exactly define the mutant gunk of that person whilst in his/her shoes!

For practice, we were supposed to take turns being the pastor/counselor... and another person tells a sob story, while the last person in the group assesses the pastor/counselor.

When Pam told me her sob story, I actually felt so emotional myself... @_@'... which is a no-no. I felt like NOT being professional and objective. You know this reminds me of the time, when my sister, Zoey, told me her sad sad sad story, and I cried in the cafe listening to her story... when she wasn't even crying... much to her embarassment. The counselee is NOT supposed to have to comfort the counselor, btw. Anyway, when I was supposed to empathize with Pam, I found myself feeling her and sympathizing ~ "Aiyooo...." or "Ohhhh....." but not being able to say, "I see that you are feeling *.....* because *.........*" Of course there were other things I was supposed to use... minimal phrases, paraphrases, summaries, non-verbal language, etc. Verbal empathy was the most difficult.

Thank God, Mrs. Lawson was around. She kindly helped me to do it a little better. I tried it again later...on Winson... and I'm slowly getting the hang of it now. Guess practice makes perfect yeah?

Like I said before, I'd be better off a friend than a counselor.... :P Oklah...at least for now.