Confession: The back-up plan...

Watched 'The Back-up Plan' all by myself this evening. Really enjoyed it even though I didn't agree with some values portrayed. Had a good laugh too.

I think I can quite relate to the character J. Lo played in the movie - Zoe. Not the pregnancy part of course... but her insecurities and fears due to what she had experienced in her childhood.

She kept expecting Stan to walk out of her life and abandon her, even while he had assured her many times that he wouldn't. Furthermore... to protect herself, she always had a back-up plan for every thing... including her relationship with Stan. This pattern ~ she followed all her life. Such a habit of pushing people away when they get close... because she feared abandonment...

Confession: I thought Zoe reminded me alot of myself.

I had two previous relationships - in which my ex-boyfriends treated me very well - but both separations were proposed by yours truly. Why? Well, about the first one... I decided that I couldn't possibly put up any longer with certain stuff I couldn't tolerate about the guy - because what he did made me feel rejected and fearful. The poor dude was very hurt - that he failed to function in life for a while...literally :( Thank God that by His grace, he made a come-back. We did apologize to one another later - but we've lost contact with one another for quite some years already.

In the second relationship, the ex-bf and I came to a mutual conclusion to end the relationship after some time, because the guy's parents were not in favor of us together... during our studying years. However, we did plan to get back together later, if we still had feelings for one another. The aftermath of that separation was a little too much for me and I felt way reluctant to get back into the relationship with so much opposition from others which I took personally as rejection - I decided that there was to be 'no looking back' - so I moved on from there... once and for all.

The ex-bf did not believe that I had moved on so fast. He did not know that once I had made up my mind to move on, I'd really move on - and not really feel much remorse or regret. (Running away actually.) My main priority was to protect myself from hurt, from rejection, from abandonment... so I was my greatest defense. (Or so I thought) Thus you can imagine his confusion for the next 3 years ~ we were mostly 'playing' hide-and-seek. I'd go out of my way to avoid him, while he kept trying to patch things up in between us, do things for me and give me presents - because he thought that there was still hope. In time, I grew mad and bitter at him for still 'seeking' me when I had put in so much effort to recover and move on (and moved on I did!) - that I became very unkind to him too. Bitterness grew into hatred. It was as much of a terrible time for him, as it was exhausting for me. There were many potential 'back-up plans' around, but of course I had grown into a prayerful person during that time... and I mostly kept my eyes on God... that kept me from...um, pursuing those 'back-up plans'. You get what I mean? :P

Thank God - I had to come back to Penang from Dublin - and the year apart sorta allowed alot of healing to take place... that the ex-bf and I were able to talk to one another properly as friends again... eventually.

Anyway, guess what... God did not allow me to get into anymore relationships for the 4 years that followed... so He could teach me very important lessons of life. Funny but true, many brothers and closer guy friends came into my life during that period of time... it couldn't have been anything else but God's plan. Because of them, I learned to be a sister - and how to serve my brothers. I learned that my brothers could be trusted to protect me, lead me, affirm me, and to love me as a sister and friend... It was a bittersweet season of learning indeed.

I thank God especially for Kean Yew. He's the closest brother I've ever had - we grew very close as friends especially after a difficult year of trials for the both of us. There came a point when I tried to push him away and resented him for kindly doing so much for me...but I was amazed when he gently said, "I think I understand why..." and then he did move out of my 'space' a little, but continued to serve me as willingly as before. I truly appreciated what he did - was very touched... and our friendship grew stronger after that. KY continued to give me his unstinting support... through every up and down in my life... even until today. He is one very faithful brother, who taught me to trust.

In my current relationship with Ben (that's gonna lead to marriage), I still find myself a little apprehensive of trusting sometimes. I guess I still fear abandonment and rejection... but thank God, it's growing much less than before... I do hope, that with time, I'd grow more secure.

Indeed, there's no back-up plan for marriage. Coz I don't believe in divorce.

my week off...

SO thankful for this week of rest I get in the midst of the STCM intensives. It's doing me good just not having to wake up super-early for classes. I'm appreciating the amount of time I have to just chillax in the presence of God, tidy up my home, reflect, have some 'me-alone' time... and even cook nicer meals for myself. XD

People think that seminarians (mostly pastors and church workers in training) are very 'spiritual'... but I realized in the past year, that it is sometimes even more difficult to draw near to God when one is in the seminary. You can get so distracted with all the different events and programs going on, so saturated with head-knowledge and it is incredibly easy to neglect proper QT when the assignment deadlines draw near - or even assume that you've done your QT - when what you've done is just to prepare to lead the next Bible study/to preach the next sermon/to minister to so-and-so... I honestly struggle. I appreciate the equipping God has provided me to undergo... and I love being with the so-called 'spiritual' people (indeed, they are men and women who love God and serve Him very faithfully) - but in actual fact, many of us struggle with the 'spiritual' image (and in a way, expectations), when it is much harder than others can imagine to be spiritual, keep close to God and not be discouraged in the ministry.

Having said that, nobody should feel that his/her vocation is of a lesser/lower calling or second rate or less 'spiritual' compared to that of church workers, pastors, etc. 'Full-time ministry' is in whatever you do on a daily basis that serves the purposes of God in wherever He has placed and called you. If it is washing toilets, changing nappies, driving kids to school, making sure they do their homework, nurturing them, cooking 3 meals per day, working from the home, praying, encouraging your hubby when he comes home tired from work... so be it. May we do it with utmost joy and passion in our hearts...

I use that example because that's probably what I'll do one day - my ultimate ministry, aside from other stuff I've been equipped to do. May I never, never neglect my greatest calling in life for something others deem more 'spiritual' just because I am pressured to do so. Even if I were to lead many Bible studies, do brilliant researches, bring many to know the Lord, serve the troubled and needy and do much with my God-given gifts... I'd still fall short of being a '...good and faithful servant' if my children do not receive enough of mummy's attention that they grow up lacking something that I failed to give them when they were young - just because they did not fit into my schedule of 'important' tasks.

Just a few days ago, I was thinking - if families functioned the way they should; if daddies and mummies strove to be godly and to raise up their children in the ways of the LORD (rather than merely give material gifts bought with overly hard-earned money to keep their children happy); if people made relationships-buildings their priority, even cross-culturally and trans-generationally; if everyone served in church with their various gifts; if everyone was passionate about missions and community work; if everyone took discipleship and their vocation seriously (and I don't mean just earning money - but being missionary in the harvest-fields of the workplaces) - ONLY IF - then the church wouldn't have so much need for fulltime-workers. But of course, we don't live in such an ideal, perfect world.

The phobia...

Actually... one of my greatest dreads/fears related to getting married...

...jeng, jeng, jeng...

....is the mother-in-law part - thanks to the many TVB dramas I've watched as a kid (as well as the sad stories I've heard from the people around me). Back then, every time I thought about getting married... my heart would sink... coz I could so picture myself playing the part of Cinderella... bullied, pushed around, etc...because I am not a very 'fast' person...

I am your typical melancholic-phlegmatic girl... who moves around very slowly... takes my own sweet time...observes, contemplates, analyses (sometimes over the top), is very concerned about aesthetics, is super emo, is a perfectionist and doesn't deal very well with emergencies or adapt to sudden changes (yeah, balanced combination of my mel- and phleg- characteristics)... I can be expressionless - even though I am being faced with emotionally-challenging situations... (you can ask my sister - she used to complain when we watched funny scenes on movies, "How come, so funny...and your face still so serious???") The truth is, even when I feel extremely tickled inside... sometimes, I am just too lazy to laugh...or my brain forgets to command my facial muscles to lift up the corners of my mouth!!! :P Also, I tend to react slower to jokes... Ben often teases me that I '...laugh one second later'...

Choleric people may get impatient working with me... While, I am better now than before (transformation not completed yet), I've always feared getting on the nerves of a choleric and over-controlling mother-in-law...

Nowadays, I still watch Singaporean mandarin dramas which depict such tension in the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship.

I brought this fear up to some of my seminary friends recently... and they gave me very good and practical advice. However, it was Ee Ling mei-mei, who helped me the most and put my fears at ease - when I met up with her for brunch on Saturday morning...

Her conviction: Godly, Christian mothers-in-law who love Jesus are really different.

My conviction (after reflecting on the godly, Christian women I know... who have daughters-in-law): Ee Ling mei is right!

I also came to see that I've been feeling 'not good enough', because of the too high expectations I put on myself.

Anyway...

I felt very touched today... that even though Ben is away, Ben's parents came to take me out for dinner this evening after 3rd service at church was over. The five of us - Uncle and Aunty Wong, James and Xu Wen (James' beautiful gf) - made an eating trip to Love Lane... Indeed, I felt so loved :)

My point is this...

God has been really good and gracious to first, give me a wonderful husband (of course, not without his imperfections)... and then, give me an amazing mother-in-law (of course the rest of the family too :P) - I can't remember if I ever prayed about the mother-in-law part (I could have, seeing that it was a big "phobia" for me!) - but also perhaps, God already knew that I wouldn't be able to take any bullying and harshness, because I'd cry easily :P and get very disheartened that I might even fail to function in the marriage. Aunty Wong was already amazing even before she invited Jesus into her heart... but now that she's a prayerful woman who loves God, she really is a mother (and housewife) whom I'd emulate... of course, apart from my very own.

I really hope that I'd be a good daughter-in-law someday... :P

Emo-fied...

The blog title says it all.

Ouhhhhhhhhh.... So sien... Piang eh.... thank God tonight it's Rachel Chan to the rescue! >_<

I don't know how to go through the weekend like that... I was OK before Ben came into my life. I was happy during my single-hood. I'd spend weekends on my own, doing my own thing, studying for exams, etc, etc. Sometimes I'd hang out with my friends. But for the last 2 years, Ben and I seldom spent weekends apart...whether it's breakfast dates, preparing for CG or church stuff on Saturday evenings, going to church, having dinner, etc. Now that this is going to be our 2nd weekend apart, I am having 'withdrawal symptoms'...It's honestly very difficult to try and reenact how I spent my weekends in the past - now that I am no longer single. And to think that I have many, many more of such weekends to 'look forward' to. *gulp* Really, really, really miss him... My life seems so quiet all of a sudden. I am not used to it.

But oh well, God is never far away... At least that's the comfort I have. The only constant in my life.

Even if my world turns upside down,
I know that my God will be the right way round...

Anyway, to make myself a little happier...let me share something totally random.

Today, Dr. S (our academic dean) saw me lepak-ing around the office during lunch hour... and he asked me, "So, have you changed directions yet?"

At first, I didn't understand what he was talking about. So I cautiously said, "Not yet. Perhaps..." and he grinned... I don't think he was referring to the question he threw at me yesterday.

Having given it some thought, I now realize that he meant to ask me, "Are you getting married yet?" @_@ (I think he's so clever....and yes, I am kinda slow...)

Dr. S once asked his spiritual formation class students to describe how our relationships have directed our lives...

I shared that day...that having a boyfriend has thrown me off course and changed my life direction completely. I always knew (since 2nd med) that I would someday leave the medical field for the vocation God was calling me to. However, I did not originally intend to come to MBTS in Penang. I was trying to apply to get into STM (another Christian seminary in Seremban), till the final 6 months of medical school...when I found out that Ben liked me. *gulp* Or rather, we liked one another... and there was no way of turning around somehow... When we went into courtship, I quite sadly gave up my dream (back then) to enter STM... I didn't quite like the idea of going to MBTS... but if I was to stay in Penang and get married here, I knew that I had no choice. When Pst. Jeya confirmed that I should attend seminary and get my M.Div, I just knew that God wanted me in MBTS (even though it didn't offer the courses I had wanted to take)... and here I am.

However, I now believe that this change of direction was God's will. He later revealed to me why it was much better for me to be here rather than in STM (although I have no doubt that it's a good seminary) - which I won't share here. I have no regrets coming here at all! I really love the friends I made here too. But it is so true. God uses relationships to direct our lives, because He made us relational beings... and His will is perfect.

Of course, Dr. S being Dr. S had to tease me that day, "So if you get married and if you both leave Penang, does it mean that you will leave MBTS too?"

Princess...

The sun's so hot outside, that I was sun-burned by just driving in the sun... Grrr.......

From tomorrow onwards, I will wear protective coverings on my arms whenever I am driving. Especially when I drive back home from MBTS in the afternoon...

Recently I've had plenty of stuff on my mind. Thoughts, wishes, dreams, hopes, struggles, etc. By the time I wanna blog about some of them, I can't remember... Or sometimes, they are just too private and personal to be expressed here so I just keep it in my God-journal...and occasionally wear 'em on my face ~ and my heart on my sleeves....

Let's try something random today...

Today, I was having a ride in the car with a good friend - and we laughingly agreed on something - deep down inside every girl is a deep longing to be a princess some day.

It really depends on how one defines 'princess'. For some, princess is all about dazzling gowns or at least a beautiful dress, beautifully set hair, jewels, flowers, nice skin, good manners, a lovely singing voice (perhaps) and pretty-ness....(as portrayed by some of Walt Disney's well-known cartoons, The Princess' Diaries, etc). For some, princess is all about grand palaces, dancing balls and gourmet food. For some, princess is all about charity, mercy works and a sweet, kind soul... For some, princess is all about waiting for the dashing knight in the shining armour (possibly a tall, dark, handsome prince from some exotic, foreign land) to sweep her off her feet onto a white horse... upon which they ride off together... to the land of happily-ever-after. For many, it's a bit of everything...or a mix and match in between at least 2 categories... (Assuming these girls aren't those who try to be men *_*)

I am a girl, aren't I? If so, you can be sure that I am not spared. Ridiculous as it sounds (oh, do bear with me, please), I do have a longing deep down inside to be a princess some day. Haha.

I realized that today.

I'm just not revealing how I'd define 'princess'.

But I was also reminded of a profound truth. I am a child of God. The daughter of the King of kings. Joint heir with Christ, along with my other brothers and sisters in Him.

Princess.

Being girly girl...

Today, I read Paul's first epistle to Timothy ~ 1 Tim 2 - and came across verse 9-10: '...I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God.'

I thought that 3:11 was also a good reminder, 'In the same way, their wives are to be women worthy of respect, not malicious talkers but temperate and trustworthy in everything.'

...which also reminded me of 1 Peter 3:1-6:

'Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the Word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear...'

The sales are going on everywhere. During times like these, if I happen to pass by any shop with attractive banners and great price markdowns, I, being a girly girl (who is fond of pretty things) would have an almost irresistable urge to run into the shop and dip my hands into the piles of merchandises just like every other lady in the shop. Run my hands over the pretty shoes. Admire the bags. Gape at the accessories. And as I do that, tell myself firmly... "Just looking... Just looking... Not buying anything..."

But all too soon, I'd get depressed that I can't really afford to buy anything. Then, leave the shop looking defeated. Yeah, it happens ALL the time. Haha, duh.

So guess what? I haven't been window-shopping for some time already - since the year began. Learning to be contented with what I already have in my wardrobe has been challenging, but rewarding. More time for prayer and quality time with people, more contentment and less temptations. (Ooops, I forgot - I stole 2 tops from my sister's stash when I was back in KL - with her permission of course - and the tops are neatly folded in my wardrobe in Penang now! :D)

In addition to that, I'd like to continue to grow in these aspects this year:

1. godliness - the purity and reverence of my life
2. gentleness and quietness of the spirit - i.e. inner beauty of great worth in God's sight
3. good deeds - appropriate for women who profess to worship God

I've seen women who focus little on clothes, make-up, shoes and bags (I am not saying that they do not engage in daily basic skincare and fitness routines - I think all of us should) - but spend much of their lives in the presence of God, immersing in earnest prayer for others... I want what they have. The godly woman exudes quiet confidence in the Lord, bears a face that glows and stands out amongst a crowd (and she is not even conscious of it), sweet gentleness that doesn't diminish with age, speech seasoned with grace, joyful laughter and the attractiveness that cannot be surpassed by even the most well-dressed lady in the room.

Sisters, let us seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness... and all these things shall be added unto us! :)

Weekend and the thing called PMS....

A few pics...
There was this pave-tar-in-road/steamroller-lookalike vehicle (I dunno what it's really called) parked in our church grounds... Azril hopes that he will be able to drive it some day. He was really interested in how it works. Asked me a whole bunch of questions about the pipes, strange containers, engines, etc of the vehicle. I was clueless. Very clueless.

Then we had Uncle Ben and his antics...

Uncle Ben's turn to 'drive' the vehicle...

I felt pretty unmotivated the whole weekend to do anything... but I had to drag myself to do everything all the same :P (Oh GOD, forgive me for such a bad attitude!)

I was a little cranky, emo, tired all the time, and I kept craving for food. However... I thank God for PMS - because it is a clear sign that my hormones are fine. I realized recently, that whenever I have absolutely no PMS - the cycle that month would have most likely gone hay-wire.. I hate it when that happens - because then the timing will be unpredictable. (Girls, you know what I mean).

It is a bonus of course, when the Boyfriend is so understanding and merciful. Hehe. I love him.

So anyway.... Girls, you shouldn't be ashamed of PMS... and NO, it is not a sign of weakness of character. Just don't let the temporary madness of PMS master you...

What do I mean? Well, you know what is right and wrong. Choose to do the right things. Also... spend time with God, journal and take more rests when things seem overwhelming. Eat balanced meals with light snacks in between if needed. Sleep sufficiently - take short naps in the afternoon if you feel tired. Exercise for that endorphin surge. Drink alot of water. And don't be too hard on yourselves - make time to engage in good hobbies.

May the peace of the Lord that transcends all understanding guard your hearts and minds in Christ!

Hope...

'Lord, You have assigned me my portion and my cup;
You have made my lot secure.
The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance.
I will praise the Lord, who counsels me;
even at night my heart instructs me.
I keep my eyes always on the Lord.
With Him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.'

(Psalm 16:5-8)

Today, I feel slightly better. Even though I can't run away from my work. And I slept, but still woke up. @_@

Today, one vivid thought runs through my mind.

Parents, please be more mindful of and responsible with the words you choose to speak over your children's lives. Words either build up or destroy. The words of today can make OR break a child's tomorrow.

One ministry God has privileged me to do especially in the past few years is one that reaches out to girls and young women with eating disorders and certain few other psychological/psychiatric conditions. (I use the word 'privileged' because it was not something that I had planned to do on my own or have been that faithful at... but God made it grow somehow.) One of the many aspects a considerable number of these precious people have in common is a lifetime of enduring spoken words of condemnation, judgement and rejection, as well as curses, rained down upon them - right out of the very mouths of their parents.

Especially mothers. Girls naturally look up to their mothers as role models, more than their dads. It's tough not having a low self-image, if you are constantly ridiculed and rejected by the one you look up to.

Of course, there could be many reasons why earthly moms do that. Sometimes it could be pure carelessness and words were spoken out of irritation or frustration. Even the most well-meaning words spoken in an uncontrolled manner, in such context and mood, can wound deeply. Such wounds stay silently embedded and hidden, but they can take a long time to heal - in many cases, years. Sometimes, moms lash out because they think that such words have a potential to discipline and change us for good. However, this is far from the best way. Even the Bible says that, 'It is God's kindness that leads us to repentance.' (Rom 2:4)

Often, it is due to mom's own insecurities, fears and low self-esteem - all of which she could be pretty unconscious of. So, a note to girls who are going through a very difficult time with such conditions at home - please do try to understand mom and forgive her. I know it's really hard. I've had my own share of trials, of which I won't share today. But please try. Pray for your moms if you are able to - they need to know of God's wholesome love themselves - that they too may be emotionally healed.

There are girls who grew up in abusive homes too. I don't only mean that they have been verbally abused... but physically abused too. And it's all very sad and real.

In contrast, I do know of girls whose parents are supportive and loving. These people often walk much shorter roads to recovery and healing from eating disorders, if they do have one. A strong, close-knitted, loving family, whereby healthy family relationships are initiated, cultivated, maintained and prioritized, is an important key to healthy self-image development in children - and these children eventually grow up into confident adults.

Thursday

I'm just back from a meet-up with Pst. Ida. (The lady on the right in the picture - this picture wasn't taken today, btw. It was taken sometime in my 1st term of MBTS)

Drove to the Hensons' residence after school, lunch and music practice was over. Had a good time of fellowship over coffee. It felt like home-coming in a way...and my (spiritual) mom welcoming me home and waiting excitedly to hear all my stories. LOL. It was also good to see Pastor Jojo and their 5 kids after such a long time! Sweet...

I miss the people at ECF.

One thing amazing about discipleship - it never ends. The relationships built on trust and love over time carry on. And when you see the person you have discipled growing into maturity, loving and serving God wholeheartedly, continuing to bear fruit for the Lord in his/her life and ministry...and repeating that discipleship process in another person's life, you are overjoyed and humbled at God's grace.

One thing out of the many things Pst. Ida has always modelled to me is biblical womanhood. She taught me to be a woman whose feminine expression of faith withstood the test of time in a feminist world. She taught me not to be discouraged or diminished by the opinion of my generation's culture, so that I can keep my eyes on the high calling of motherhood found in the Bible. She taught me the blessings of a wife's loving submission to her own husband... ultimately as an act of worship and obedience to the Lord. Lastly, it was also through her life that I learned the role of women in ministry.

Anyway. I digressed.

My day was fine. Today's class was a little tougher. I don't know why...but I developed nausea - and I thought I'd puke. Don't usually eat sweets... but today, I ate Eunice's sweets. My poor stomach was faked out by lunch. When they handed around mooncake with nuts inside, I broke into cold sweat. Literally.

Right now, I have a huge, huge, huge tummy-ache. *Sweat*

Thursday

Zombified and drinking orange juice.

Back from music practice and dropping Ai Hua back home. Hearts the talk we had. Sometimes, all a woman needs is another woman who can relate. In every tough circumstance any woman might face, just give her one comrade as emotional and emphatic. The unlaughables will become laughable. The unbearables bearable.

I am not dismissing the wonderful and important roles of brothers, boyfriends and husbands here. But sisters will always have a special place in my heart.

More homework stacked upon the growing heap. Nothing is new. I am in denial already. I have yet to pray and prepare to give a short speech at the youth service... plus lead the youth in SHAPE this Sunday. NOT prepared at all. Gotta somehow start today.

God, grant me grace!

Got a haircut...

Changed the parting again... :D Snipped off the straggly ends. Cut fringe. Layered hair, so it won't be too heavy and drop off... Need special shampoo for hair-fall defense now... *Sigh* God, please don't let me go botak!!!

Being night owl...

Wednesday is almost over - but the night has just started for me, hehe. Yeah! You got it - the night is still young!

I know, I know - considering that I was into all the health thingy and med line, you'd think I would be seriously particular about getting the right amounts of sleep, sleeping at the right hours, etc. But really - erm, have you ever known me to be good about that?:P *guilty look* Haven't you heard - doctors make the worst patients?:P Ok, I may not be a doctor now - but bad habits diehard.

Anyway, thanks to all my PROCRASTINATION on some stuff (OCR, does that sound familiar? Tsk, tsk, tsk - I wish I had more than 2 hands), I am again the night-owl! @_@ *Goes off to make Mocha for herself*

There are ulcers in my mouth again!

Something exciting also came up, so now I will need to pray. Recently I've been discovering more and more that being an adult can be scary :D So many decisions to make, so many things to consider, plans, etc. Can no longer feel free to hang onto mummy's apron strings - (or dad's, in my case). Although I'm more than halfway through my 20s, I still feel like I am still a girl at heart sometimes... and not yet woman. :P *disturbing thought* There are still so many things I need to learn...and I fear that I am not down-to-earth at times. *Big grin* but then again, I believe that having faith in God would keep fear from rising. He is after-all, my Father. My Refuge. My dwelling place. My Lord, in whom I trust.

Mission team meeting tomorrow.

Fractured feminity...

"See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done..." (2 Cor 7:11)

Arrived at this Word this morning. I thought it was really timely and relevant, because for the past few days, I've been studying about the world's feminism movement that has profoundly altered our culture's concept of what it means to be woman. How such a movement has also unconsciously influenced the women in our churches. How alarming! It's a challenge indeed to be different and to live as biblically savvy women in this age and generation - where to be submissive to one's husband is an ancient concept scorned by many as a form of weakness; housewives are thought to be dependant and unsuccessful; beauty is determined by fashion sense and sex appeal; where it is considered acceptable for a woman to propose to a man in marriage and where more and more mothers leave their children (and husbands) at home to valiantly climb ladders in their careers.

I will never forget the day a woman friend slapped me (literally!) hard for saying that when I'm married, I plan to be primarily a home-maker. To bring up my kids (would home-school them if I could) like my mum did with us, do the housework, cook the meals and minister to my husband! I'd like to be a support to my husband from the home - prayers, admin, see to his needs etc. Yeah, I would still serve God in church, go on ministry trips, teach/preach, mentor, do home-groups, write etc. But, I too feel the call and burden to put my family first, after the Lord... before ministry. Ministry begins in the home. Who am I to teach younger women to look after their families and minister to their husbands, when I don't do those things myself? Who am I to want to raise a generation of God-fearing men and women of God, and impact the youth when I don't even see to my own children?

Painful incident that one, but I was more shocked than anything that she could be so shocked at my statement! I guess some of you are shocked too, but well - it can't be helped. This is my personal conviction.

We really can't define a 'successful' Christian by the world's standards of success. We can't say that a home-maker pales in comparison to a woman in a professional field, in such an aspect. More important a question is: has one walked in a manner worthy of her calling - pleasing God, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of Him?

What does biblical womanhood mean?

I'm on a quest to find out and enlighten my women friends...

Some inspiration...

Today, I came across a young woman's blog, http://nattietan.wordpress.com, which really encouraged me.

She was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa not too long ago (last year), and her blog records her meals and her journey towards recovery. Myself, having battled that as well as bulimia for many years before I finally came to be healed (praise God!), I was touched beyond words to read her blog entries indeed. It brings me to remember how deathly my circumstances, how tormented my soul, and how mightily God has delivered me from my illnesses.

Nattie, be strong!:) I pray that you would discover God and His unfailing love like you've never before, in this journey ahead. Also, I'm hoping that more young women who're currently battling eating disorders would stumble upon your blog as I did, and be encouraged. I'm truly blessed. Keep it up!

With much love, Grace.

Things I'd like to get for myself...

1. A weighing scale

2. A pair of new sandals

3. Dark chocolate (I know...so random!)

4. A pair of hiking shoes (Mine the bunga all tiada lagi...)

5. A washing machine - seriously I think it does a much better job than handwashing. Dahlah my arm got so much bulky muscle, my skin's sensitive to washing detergent, and my knees a little osteoarthritic... A washing machine would be great. Haha. Save time too.

Girly white dresses...

I will be attending a friend's wedding this May - and I haven't really given much thought to what to wear yet.

There's no specific dress colour-code for it of course...but, but... today, I went on a little walk-see during lunch... and I've fallen in love with some of the white summer dresses on display. Particularly those which are white, made of light cottony material, either A-line or empress cut (coz I look odd wearing other cuttings) ...and oh my, the white sashes are gorgeous... They lend so much to a clean and fresh, crisp silhouette of a little white dress...

I am one person especially 'partial' to ribbons and sashes - whether it's on my dresses, bags, ear-rings, or hair... There's something so extra sweet and girly about them, that I can never resist. Love the soft satiny ones - black, white or cream.

Anyway, I haven't made up mind if I want to wear an old dress (not very ngam for the occasion - being ball dresses), borrow or get an inexpensive one for the occasion. I don't want anything too bling-bling, fali-falook or boombastic... Sweet simplicity appeals so much more to me.

Another colour I have stuck up in my head so far - Lilac.

Note that I'm not saying "I need to lose some weight..." coz whenever I say that, I always kinda jinx myself... by doing exactly the opposite. And no, I am not even sure why.

Phew...

It has been a really busy weekend. We had service on Friday night (a talk by Dr. Simon Chan) after a very heavy day at work... then almost the whole of Saturday was spent in church... choir training the whole afternoon... and service again on Saturday night...then today (Sunday) - it's the usual stuff..

I've been going home every night with heavy eye-lids. And I've been having really strange headaches (again). Both Pig and I had a headache after Saturday's choir training. Mine felt like a pulsating, painful, crushing band around my head...so intense, that I nearly missed the Saturday night service. I couldn't even look upward without feeling dizzy and nauseous. But I'm glad I didn't miss Dr. Simon Chan's sermon. It was very good and convicting.

I'm just afraid - that I've been taking too much Panadol of late. Which is bad. Coz I heard that the chemical compounds stay in your body for at least 4 years...long after the headache's gone! But how do you treat headaches that are too unbearable not to pop the Paracetamol?:P

Just taking a break in the middle of Sunday's routine...

Confession... Yesterday, I was having one of those moments... Wishing my hair was nicer, that I could afford to spend more on make-up like many people I know, clothes, etc, etc... (I know it sounds a little shallow:P - but it's natural for a girl to feel that way sometimes, ok) Was sharing that with my boyfriend, and he bounced back a question to me: "So, if you were given a chance to be somebody else, who would you want to be?" Thoughts of all the rich and pretty people I know crossed my mind - then somehow, I suddenly thought of my loved ones and friends so amazing and beautiful that I'd never trade them for anything else in the world, the many blessings I've been so undeserving to receive, and yet God by His grace gently placed in my lap, etc... I realized something more than anything - if I were given the chance to choose all over again who I'd like to be, I would still choose to be Grace. Thank God for my portion and my cup! Felt so contented after that.

God, thank You that You've made my lines fall in pleasant places.

Unwell randoms

Hormonal-induced dyspepsia, flatulence, nausea and cramps... *sweat* Is there an MC for that?:P

Oh well. At least bah-zhang-face is going to subside soon. *Sucks in cheeks and nods furiously* Thighs are already starting to shrink at least! Sigh, the woes of water retention.

Don't know if the EPO (Efamol's brand) I've been taking for a month plus by now actually works! (If you are wondering at my new-found consistence with supplements, I must really credit it to my dad! He was the one urging Zoey and me to take our EPO regimes seriously - when I went back to KL for Chinese New Year. I don't know if Zoey did, but I am!:P) How come semuanya sama saja?:P Well, at least - it's been working wonders on my skin! I've never really had skin problems - except that ocassional zit on the face, and eczema on my limbs at certain seasons of the year - but the EPO actually makes the skin supple and so much finer, smoother and plumper. And I have a feeling it has actually been increasing the effectivity of the skincare products I use.

Hehe. So ladies, upgrade your beauty regime with EPO! And more important than anything - the Word of God!:)

(Having said that - to my pregnant girl friends, please do check with your obstetrician/medical practitioner first, prior to using EPO.)

Abs...

My gym-enthusiast boyfriend demonstrated a abs exercise while I was watching, which looked super easy. (He has fantastic abs, btw.) I mean, he really made it look so easy!

I must mention here that I used to have a flat tummy, thanks to jazz dance-classes. Unfortunately, as the years slipped past, I stopped dancing and grew older...I regret to say, that I could do with a liposuction now:P Ok, it's not too bad. But as any girl would, I hate whatever that wobbles and jiggles at that place. Especially when it comes to the bloating time of the month!

Jogging and eating a little less does make the tummy flat again, kinda. But it doesn't stay.

So when I saw Ben doing his thing, I was sold. I asked if he could teach me to do that.

He made me lie at a 45 degree angle to the horizontal on a slanting bench, my head higher than my legs...then my hands had to grip on this pole thingy behind my head, I had to flex my hip and elevate my legs with my feet together, knees straightened out...

Holy cow!

I screeched in laughter coz I obviously couldn't even initiate the move. Thought I'd get a hernia from the exertion. Ben tipped his head on one side and looked amused. Tried to hide a grin and look sympathetic. I felt like a monkey in a zoo-cage, trying to impress its audience.

"Try bending your knees...then bring them to your chest."

Ok, this one sounded do-able. I mean, I can definitely hang from a horizontal bar, and bring my knees to my chest a good few times!:P

I tried it once, and screeched in laughter again. This was way harder than I imagined.

Sigh, in the end, I gave up doing his thing... and sigh... guess I'll have to go back to the stomach-crunches!

the remains of Tuesday

Despite the rain, it's been hot and humid - and guess what? I'm having another flare of eczema on my left arm. Darn!

My day has been rather depressing... I'm trying to enjoy what remains of it. Went downstairs to eat at the mamak stall (drank Iced Milo too!) instead of downing my usual nuts, seeds and grains with soy-milk, came back upstairs for a dose of quiet-time...then I savoured the therapeutic effects of crafting with cardstock and cutting instruments. Right now, I'm waiting for a phone-call, before I hit the sack.

I seem to have been facing quite a few discouragements in the past few days. Judgemental people (so what's new?). Ben reminded me of the story of Moses in Exodus 4. I read it up for myself today. One part especially comforted me: Verses 1-5:

Moses answered, "What if they do not believe me or listen to me and say, 'The LORD did not appear to you'?"

Then the LORD said to him, "What is that in your hand?"
"A staff," he replied.

The LORD said, "Throw it on the ground."
Moses threw it on the ground and it became a snake, and he ran from it. Then the LORD said to him, "Reach out your hand and take it by the tail." So Moses reached out and took hold of the snake and it turned back into a staff in his hand. "This," said the LORD, "is so that they may believe that the LORD, the God of their fathers—the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob—has appeared to you."

Later God also told Moses that He'd put His words into his mouth. I'm waiting for my 'staff'. It's sorta taking shape:) Hehe. Ignore this if you don't really know what I'm talking about. Just yesterday, the Lord showed me how dreadfully I can waver in my faith sometimes. Convictions have to be held onto more tightly. So what if people talk and say all kinds of things? Everyone's entitled to his or her own opinion. Just listen to those who know and pray for you. A boat without an anchor drifts in all directions according to the wind and waves. It never enters its rest.

A brother once told me before we parted ways... 'You must be confident of what you believe in. Once you are confident, and if persecutions were to tempt you to distraction, more than half the battle has been won.' Golly, how I wish I'd remember that in my interviews! (Memories of the interview with the PPRC last year, July - sends chills up my back!:P - I wish interviewers would not have to look so intimidating.)

Tomorrow's a busy day. I have to drive all the way to Lorong Bunga Pudak (that's in Tjg. Bungah) - hope I don't get lost. Coz Pastor's going to be taking a ride in my car to an elderly church member's house. Jeng Jeng Jeng! Super busy week on the whole. I have a headache thinking of the stuff I'll have to do. My weekend's going to be pretty packed too.

But seriously, what's my busyness compared to that of Uncle GC? Watching him still try to be cheerful and joyful in the Lord despite the stress makes me rather ashamed of my raves and rants. He's been good example for me indeed. I'm so thankful for people like that in my life. Helps me through the tough patches, they do - their encouragement, their godly examples, their wise words and their attempts to spunk me up. Haha.

Hope I wake up on the right side of my bed tomorrow...

I come against all spiritual attacks in Jesus' name!