8 more days... TGIF!!!!

...to a much-awaited union...

Terrible neck and back pains greeted me this morning. After yesterday's late, late night - (and so many previous late nights), I am not surprised. Oh let me find my joy and strength in God.

My contextualization paper is so messed up. I have no idea how to remedy it. Plus... I have to present it on Tuesday too!!! *Screams* At times like these, I usually ask myself - "What on earth made you choose such a topic?!? Were you out of your mind?"

But that is me. Always up for a good challenge. I'd better be responsible for my own decisions indeed.

Ben called me last night and made me crack up on one of the boo-boos he made. Apparently my amazing fiance wrongly directed a text message he was supposed to send me (with some endearing terms in it too >.<" - thankfully not much though) to the wrong Grace. And this Grace happens to be our former pastor's wife. Imagine how traumatized Ben was. In a panic-stricken voice, he went: "Pst. J is going to kill me...."

Hahahahaa......so funny.

OK, I'd better get back to my work. How time flies.

Protein...

In the past week, I have been taking this self-concocted chocolate-protein-shake for breakfast.

I realized recently that I do not consume enough protein for my health and immune levels - so I bought this mix of soy protein and whey powder from Cosway. By itself, when stirred into water at room-temperature (you are not supposed to add hot water, or the proteins will denature. --> Remember chemistry/biology back in school? :P) a very icky, chalky drink is produced. Some paste. Yucks. Never, never again. In desperation, I tried blending the protein powder into hot chocolate instead. Guess what? It worked! Since the chocolate protein shake is SO yummy and nutritious, I have not gotten tired of it yet. I usually supplement it with a Centrum multivitamin tablet afterward. The shake is a very good meal in itself, because it has enough calories, carbs and nutrition to last me till mid-morning at least. It fills me up so well! Then I'd have my mid-morning snack at school if hungry. Other than breakfast, I don't think I'd have the shake as a meal replacement though. I would much prefer solid food! :D

The shake can be drunk as a healthy snack or pre-/post-workout as well. It has been a wonderful alternative to my usual snacks, which have gotten boring. (First, I had to check what my daily protein requirement is, based on age, gender and etc. - just in case I exceeded the quota!) I sometimes use soybean milk powder or fruits in replacement of the chocolate. Some people get constipated with too much protein. If you are one of those people, you will have to make sure that you increase your intake of fiber as well. Oh, and drink more water.

I feel that somehow the protein helped my hormone levels tremendously. Weird, I didn't have much PMS this time round - and no period cramps!

Tuesday - post VDay..

Came down with a fever, nausea, dyspepsia, vertigo and chills last night.

Absolutely dreaded the idea of climbing up the MBTS hill the next day (like what if I get chased by the monkeys and faint trying to run uphill???!? I might just roll all the way down to the foot of the hill and get crushed by the tires of an unsuspecting vehicle... boohoo... then Ben Wong might just have no bride this May! @_@")

Anyway, over-active imagination aside...

Praise God, I still managed to wake up, drag myself to the bathroom this morning, gulp down breakfast and drive to school despite tossing and turning the whole night! Guess the Panadol did work quite a bit in the night. Hurray for paracetamol! I was grateful that the roads were exceptionally clear this morning too - thanks to the public holiday. What with all the traffic lights on green (except the one which I am kinda ashamed to admit I beat), I had the best drive to Batu Feringghi ever!!! :) Did feel a little chilly and poorly in class - but now that classes are over, there was nothing much to complain about. I'm definitely taking a nap later.

What did Ben and I do on Valentines' Day? Hmm, nothing outta ordinary! :D LOLx. Coz it's not like our anniversary or something. Ben and I are just not very big on V.Day since it's been so commercialized (plus everyday should be Valentines' Day for us!) However, we went out for Japanese food after work... at Chikuma Restaurant.

Two years :)

Still sick. My nose has run a week-long marathon. Every morning, I cough up loads of sputum produced by post-nasal drip. (Sorry if this sounds eww!) I have also been talking in a sexy voice for quite a few days by now. But wow, I am definitely in a better mood than I was two days ago - feeling a lot less crappy... and I can sincerely say that I am feeling closer to God today - compared to say, a week ago! :) To all who have been praying, thanks... For the past few days, I have been spending my afternoons reading, journaling, writing my prayers down (seriously, I am so much more fruitful doing this than merely praying aloud - keeps me focused and AWAKE :P) and reflecting on my own life. There were a few meet-ups with good friends, a steam-boat gathering tonight... and loads of heart-to-heart talks. Some frustrations here and there - but God very mercifully met me where I was.

What refreshing rains after braving some parched desert pathways! Living water. Ah, relief for my soul.

I feel that I am learning how to trust God again.

At this point, I am still trying to discover what eroded my faith (not that it was like totally gone - but I haven't been feeling like myself since the Christmas week, somehow). What triggered the feelings of despair and hopelessness. What distracted me and divided my heart. All so that I can avoid it/them in the future. Nevertheless, emerging myself in the love of God was the best thing I was inspired to do.

Yes, I was inspired. It was amazing how watching Ben in his intimate moments with God makes me yearn for the same closeness with the Lord. And when I did draw near to God (I wouldn't say that I was so willing at first), I found Him ~ the source of Life, the source of hope, the source of all joy and strength. Being human, I know I will yet go through more troughs in the future ~ but every gulf of distress like this one, has its own share of beautiful lessons despite the growing pains.

I want to learn them well. God only disciplines those He loves as sons (and daughters).

So this time, let me learn to trust Him more.

Yes, my brook is drying up! Soon, I will have no water to even wet my tongue while the ravens continue bringing the bread and meat. That is if they remember! But I want to believe God will send them in His perfect time. He will. Like Elijah, let me be poised and wait.Today, I realized that my personal blog at gmmmh.blogspot.com just turned two years old! :) One more year has passed. Another year from today, let me still be as joyful and secure in God, despite come what may.

Thursday - time for some TLC

Sick. *A-tish-ooooooo*

It's time for a good rest and some TLC for myself...

Heavenly blends...

Lately, to help my constipation and IBS problems (that were temporarily relieved with my one week stint in the Penan jungles which included downing loads of freshly hand-picked jungle vegetables/ferns/fruits along with a little wild boar! - Couldn't believe how 'regular' I was on my mission trip - I am quite convinced that jungle-life is healthy for me now), Ben's mum often makes sure that I fill up on the fiber - by blending different kinds of fruits (along with their fibers) together and topping the puree/juices off with a spoonful of psyllium husks each time...

(thank God for wonderful mothers!!! :D)

In the past few days, we have been experimenting with cool combinations of fruits... Mmm... It was both fun and exciting to taste a new fibrous + nutritious invention every day. The day before, we combined passion fruit, grapes, orange, strawberries and apples. Yesterday the avocado, grapes, strawberries and green apples went into the blender together...

It was awesome.

I have indeed a full appreciation for God's creation of natural remedies for constipation, detox, beauty and all kinds of health boo-boos. They work better than chemically prepared concoctions, me thinks...

Also treasuring the precious moments with Ben's mum.

Fitness Friday...

Had a nice birthday celebration for Ben's dad last night - at Song River, along Gurney Drive. We ate loads! The sambal sting-ray was the best... me love! :) *Slurp* After dinner, Ben and I went on a spontaneous movie-date... We watched 'Takers' at Prangin Mall with popcorn.

Today, I went gym-ing and swimming at RH's. It was awesome. I didn't do too heavy stuff - just perhaps 25 minutes plus on the elliptical trainer (which was a major achievement for me! Usually I get so sien that I get off before 20 minutes are up! Hee hee...), some stretching, lat pulls and toning with light-weights... After about 40-45 minutes in the gym, I went for a dip in the pool... swam about 30 laps... and then retired with happy sighs. Rewarded myself with a yummy-licious, generous serving of chicken pie for lunch (I did consider Mcdonald's...but I thought I'd have it sometime this weekend instead)...

Confession: I love pastries...

Yeah, in case you were wondering - what's up with my sudden fitness fanaticism - since my school hols began this week, I have been trying to increase my stamina for mission trip among other stuff... Swimming on alternate days (45 mins to an hour per session) - and today, I added a session at the gym.

I was reminded of something: I will probably never go back to fad diets after this... For me, keeping trim is not a matter of cutting out foods and keeping to a 'safe list' like some weight-loss specialists recommend (FYI: Safe foods are great - definitely eat more vegies and fruits by all means, but if I have nothing but safe foods or health-foods, I'd probably go on some 'unsafe' food rampage after at most, 2 weeks of such efforts! Eating safe-foods will probably never become a lifestyle...) - but having everything in moderation and exercising regularly. (I said, regularly - not excessively! 3-4 times a week, 30-45 minutes per session should be great) It is not about missing out on birthday parties and social events just so that you are able to skimp on the calories... It is not about consuming so little calories per day that you drag through the day feeling fatigued and mentally exhausted from malnutrition... It is not about having just oats for dinner at night (unless you are a donkey/horse/rabbit!) And it is certainly not about trying to burn off every calorie you've consumed by the end of the day.

Everything in moderation. Watch your portions but don't over-do it. Be healthy.

I know, I know... I sound like a goodie-goodie two shoes... *cringe* But I've gone through every kind of diet and I've had my days obsessing over the calories - but still, the conventional way works best, long-term. My body tells me when I've consumed enough calories for the day, I don't count 'em anymore. Sometimes, I am aware that I've gone over my limits - but I don't fuss over it like I used to do... I'd just be a little wiser the next time. Yes, and I never go to sleep worrying about food nowadays! :)

Going out for mamak midnight suppers once in a while is still OK. Just don't do it everyday.

Eating potato chips at midnight while watching a movie once in a while is still OK. Just don't do it everyday.

Having a spontaneous ice-cream cone from Mcd's (after CG/ MLM at church) once in a while is still OK. Just don't do it every night.

Get moving. It keeps your metabolism up and gives you endorphins.

Eat substantial, nutritious meals... so that you don't feel hungry in between meals - and start snacking on anything you can get your hands on. I try to eat between 3-5 meals a day (including my afternoon tea)...

10 more days to mission trip.

After the weekend (and M.I.A)...

BLOOD TEST RESULTS

Collected my body check-up and blood test results on Saturday. Everything is well, my weight's still perfect (although I know I could tone up a little with strength-training)... but as for my cholesterol levels, they are elevated. *boohoo*

I think it is not my fault. Or my parents' fault. Haha. (Coz none of them have hypercholesterolaemia!) Apparently many people in the seminary have had their cholesterol levels raised too... So perhaps, it's got something to do with the food in the seminary. Or the stress levels we so unitedly face!

Ben's mum immediately started me on a course of fish-oil capsules for the Omega-3, EPA and DHA... On my part, I will perhaps start eating oats religiously... and eat less deep-fried food.

WEDDING PREP

Went to the Bridal Fair at Queensbay Mall over the weekend. We finally signed up for a bridal package after weeks and weeks of research. LOL. Subsequently, Ben and I spent most of Sunday discussing who should we put on the wedding committee. It was quite brain-draining I must say *groan*... more importantly, FUN! *grins* I know I might freak out nearer to the wedding day itself... but at least now, I am still OK. We've got awesome friends involved in our plans... That puts me at ease.

Chilled out with a good swimming session down at the RH pool.

NEW CHALLENGES AHEAD

Firstly - I am about to be a Mandarin-English translator in chapel on Wednesday. Fung Hain and I are going to do a presentation to the school on our Poland M.T. Since our chapel services are bi-lingual, she will be speaking in Mandarin and myself in English. After that, I am giving a testimony of some of my highlights in Poland. I covet your prayers... especially because I am a banana-Chinese (i.e I am yellow on the outside and kinda white on the inside) and there was no time to write out a script because both of us were so overwhelmingly busy -so I'll have to do it spontaneously. @_@'

Secondly, my assignments. Words cannot describe how stressed I am over all of them.

Thirdly, I am going on a new mission from this week onwards. I will be giving English tuition to a Korean girl twice a week... so do keep me in prayers with regards to time management, provisions, language barriers and such.

Lastly, I had a thought over the weekend ~ I don't only want to hear people telling me, "Wow! God loves you so much..." - I want to always experience His love, and therefore say, "WOW!!! God loves me so much", myself. I need to work on my spiritual walk with God more consistently.

Saturday

I had a funny sort of Saturday morning during the weekend. It started with me being a pin-cushion...

I went for a full-body check-up at one of the clinics. It involved the general examinations, a lung-function test, BMI calculation, urine test, blood test and ECG. Everything was fine until it was time for me to do a little um...blood-sacrifice.

This was where all the trouble started.

You see, I've never been an easy patient when it comes to blood-taking. You can say that I am an inexperienced-doctor's worst nightmare. My veins are incredibly tough to find, tiny and if you happen to stumble upon one in the crook of my arm, I don't yield much blood. Often, the doctors give up trying to draw blood from anterior aspect of my elbow... and switch to a vein from my hand or wrist.

First, I should mention that I had drunk a ridiculous amount of water that morning - just so that I could empty my bladder to give a substantial urine sample. I was still waiting for the call of nature, when I was called... into the blood-taking room instead.

The biochemist who was to potentially 'break-the-record' (or so I hoped), didn't seem fazed when I told her about my 'problem'. She prepared the needles and placed a tourniquet on my arm...

I thought, "Uh-oh. OK, here goes..."

After examining my arm, my biochemist realized that I was not kidding about my 'difficult veins'. Started tapping, tapping, tapping and tapping on the anterior aspect of my elbow... until she was practically slapping it in frustration. *Yeouccch* (Ganas betul!) She would occasionally stop slapping to feel around with her fingers for veins. No veins responded or appeared. I sighed. She decided to insert the needle by faith anyway.

By the time she had finished all the slapping, I was already numbed. The needle pierced my skin and moved around, desperately hoping to puncture a vein. No such luck. After quite some time of moving the needle in all directions under my skin and pumping the syringe to suck up some blood, the biochemist who looked really tired and nervous (I felt so sorry for her) announced reluctantly, "I will have to use a different spot."

I said, "It's OK. Relax!!!" Gave her the most friendly smile I could possibly muster. (I knew how she felt - coz I was once in her shoes)

I thought, "But I want to pee..."

She tried again. Same arm. Slap, slap. Feel for vein. Slap, slap and SLAP! The needle went in clean after a long time... and this time, it did puncture a vein. Bravo! However, she did not manage to get much blood. Pumped and pumped the syringe too. I was starting to smart with pain... and since there was still not much blood, she decided that she'd try the other arm.

This was when Ben, who was sitting outside, got REALLY worried (I had been in there for a good 20 minutes or so) - he talked to another biochemist outside and told her to rescue me. (My dear is such a hero! :P) And so, yes, this time, a different biochemist jabbed me, on a different arm....

BLOOD! At last! Not much, but still... it was just enough to fill up all the lab test-tubes...

I heaved a big sigh of relief!

This was the longest blood-taking session ever. 30 minutes for a few tiny test-tubes of blood. I think I proved to be my first biochemist's worst nightmare.

I ran to the bathroom after that for a good pee. The End.

Sick... again...

Sorry for such a disgusting picture... but that is the condition of my throat and tonsils at the moment. See the ulcers, lumps and bumps???

Wednesday

Ok... so something went wrong with my blog layout, after I bombed my blog with photos yesterday. Hehe.

Hopefully it will return to normal soon.

I'm just done with a very nice lunch with Xu Wen. It's time to return to working on my youth-talk. Hope to quickly finish it by today, so I can at least begin on one assignment. I know for sure, I have to finish Mr WKC's paper by this week.

Went for my first swim today in ages. *Phew* Ben texted me while I was having lunch to ask me jokingly if I felt any thinner after the swimming :P (I've been whining a little after our weekend away that I've put on quite some weight from eating all that stuff) - Honestly? Well, I did feel 2mm 'smaller' after my swim... but after lunch? :P I don't feel like my swim made any difference... Although, logically... it must have! :D

It's all in the mind.

Gone are the days when I was into fad diets, weight-loss gimmicks, self-starvation and stuff. I've learnt the sad and painful way that none can compare with a balanced diet and regular exercise. And gosh, I realized... if I don't discriminate anyone for their weight, I should not expect others to discriminate me for my weight too. And I shouldn't condemn myself too, if I should gain any weight. Coz my weight doesn't define me. Even when I was 10kg heavier back in my bulimia days, my friends and family still loved me to bits. I was still special to them... because I was and am still ME. Beauty is not skin-deep. Rather, it shines out from the deepest parts of our being.

In the last 2 weeks of weight-gain, (I say this, because all I have been doing is eating, eating, sleeping, pigging-out, eating steroids for my illness and not exercising... My face is starting to grow round...and my clothes, tighter) I have tried to look at my slightly bigger self in the mirror without self-condemnation - and it was so much easier than before.

Rounder face? Ah, pretty. A little more 'flesh' on the arms, legs and tummy? Ah, adorable. A fuller, voluptuous figure? Um... sexy.

My last word? Enjoy it while it lasts.


ED, I've moved on.

Hot, hot Thursday...

The weather in Penang is almost unbearably hot. I hope for a refreshing shower of rain here soon. Also.... so that people can't burn rubbish at the back of my flat! Grrrr...

This is what happens behind my flat every evening, since end of last year. I can't even stand sitting in my house without feeling like an animal being smoked out of its cave. It's depressing indeed - especially when I used to have asthma - and I don't want it to flare up, coz I hate using the inhalers. (I am hoping that God provides us an A/C and new window-panes for my living room soon, so that I can close the windows properly and not feel like I am being oven-roasted... ) I shudder to think of the innocent children playing out in the open air without masks or other protective measures. How about the homebound, immobile elderly folks in my block, who cannot afford air-conditioning in the house and therefore cannot possibly keep their windows shut (or they will suffocate)? How about those with respiratory illnesses like COPD or asthma?

Give us a good few years of exposure to air with such bad quality - and the lung cancer cases in C15/16 wards of Hospital Pulau Pinang will be on a steady increase!

Why are people so inconsiderate and ignorant? Gah! Low-cost apartment doesn't mean that you should treat its inhabitants as people with lungs of steel or as people who are saving up for future medical expenses instead of spending our moolah on better facilities and stuff. Where's the love?

Why BURN rubbish outdoors when we've been taught for at least the last 1-2 decades (even back in school) that open-burning is BAD for the environment? Is the weather not hot enough already?

Who do I complain to about open burning? Is it the Bomba?

I have to decide on a research topic for Mr. KC Wong by today. Hopefully!

Weekend and the thing called PMS....

A few pics...
There was this pave-tar-in-road/steamroller-lookalike vehicle (I dunno what it's really called) parked in our church grounds... Azril hopes that he will be able to drive it some day. He was really interested in how it works. Asked me a whole bunch of questions about the pipes, strange containers, engines, etc of the vehicle. I was clueless. Very clueless.

Then we had Uncle Ben and his antics...

Uncle Ben's turn to 'drive' the vehicle...

I felt pretty unmotivated the whole weekend to do anything... but I had to drag myself to do everything all the same :P (Oh GOD, forgive me for such a bad attitude!)

I was a little cranky, emo, tired all the time, and I kept craving for food. However... I thank God for PMS - because it is a clear sign that my hormones are fine. I realized recently, that whenever I have absolutely no PMS - the cycle that month would have most likely gone hay-wire.. I hate it when that happens - because then the timing will be unpredictable. (Girls, you know what I mean).

It is a bonus of course, when the Boyfriend is so understanding and merciful. Hehe. I love him.

So anyway.... Girls, you shouldn't be ashamed of PMS... and NO, it is not a sign of weakness of character. Just don't let the temporary madness of PMS master you...

What do I mean? Well, you know what is right and wrong. Choose to do the right things. Also... spend time with God, journal and take more rests when things seem overwhelming. Eat balanced meals with light snacks in between if needed. Sleep sufficiently - take short naps in the afternoon if you feel tired. Exercise for that endorphin surge. Drink alot of water. And don't be too hard on yourselves - make time to engage in good hobbies.

May the peace of the Lord that transcends all understanding guard your hearts and minds in Christ!

Wednesday

Rhinitis and a sore nose from too much 'trumpetting' . Phlegm caking up in my throat. And a pretty funky voice.

Day 2 of MBTS student orientation.

Praise God I managed to sit through all the long, bi-lingual talks with only 2 yawns... albeit with a groggy (I sure I hope I hid the beh-song-ness well :P) face. Felt pretty bad not looking more enthusiastic - the talks were quite substantial actually. Encouraging in fact. But... my body was weak while my spirit is willing. My blocked nose not only made it difficult to sleep at night (so you can imagine how sleepy I was the whole morning) - but also hard to breathe throughout the day. Gah! For all that respiratory labour, I sure hope I am better tomorrow. O God, heal me!

It did me good to worship God today, even as I was part of the morning worship team. Not so much of me looking to myself or enjoying music as an art... but rather me, turning my eyes toward the cross... and remembering Jesus ~ the reason I am in MBTS for this season. I dearly hope that I served Him with the right attitude. Thank You, Lord for graciously anointing our team... that despite the very little time we had to prepare for today, we could still play our hearts out for You and what came out of that was... beautiful music. By Your grace, receive this simple offering from Your children, Lord. Most of all we render our hearts.

Ah, so much ministry work to be done by this Friday. Choir practice at church tonight... Only 3 practices left to our ministry trip to Ipoh - so I'd better at least familiarize myself with the songs and team. It's been a long time since I set foot into the Sanctuary on a Wednesday night just for choir practice (I missed everyone) - it well may be my last time for this year, before MLM training starts again.

Sick...

School. Came home and had lunch. Then I zonked out. One whole afternoon gone to zzz-ing. Sigh.

Dinner with the Ch'ng's tonight ... with a mission...

*Edit*

Dinner went well, despite my stuffed nose :) Thank God for gracious hosts indeed... and 3 most charming dogs who did not attack my ankles. *Phew*

I'm going to be pretty busy this week - choir practice tomorrow night (we've only 3 practices left till our ministry trip to Ipoh, so I have to go whether I have a voice or not), dinner with Rach on Thurs... Christian Fellowship back at PMC on Friday after school - and meeting up with Edmond.

Sniffly sniffly...

Allergic rhinitis from changing the bed sheets... *ahhh-choooo*

Boyfriend made a surprising comment today. He doesn't mind me plumper if I'm healthy.

We're looking out for the return of my rosy cheeks next. Now I am still kinda pale and my hair is still dropping. Bleeding problem still around. (Totally hate it!) But yeah, I am gaining some weight already... @_@

Target = something like the above... :P

Hehe.

Unwell

Again. Gastrointestinal system and one endocrine system went a little haywire.

Outside, the birds talk to one another - in different languages and tunes. It's a pandemonium... but quite a lovely one, I think.

Whenever I think of what Ben said the other day, I crack up - "If global warming continues, and birds go extinct, there will be job opportunities for people to stand outside windows and imitate bird sounds..." Haha.

Today, Matchbox 20's song 'Unwell' plays in my head. It reminds me of a friend, Caleb, somehow :) ~ because he once sent me a recording of himself singing and playing this song on the piano... That was like about 2 years ago?

Gosh, this song really brings back many memories... of the Taiwan trip and meeting up with Caleb in Taipei.

All day
Staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night
Hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on
I'm feeling like I'm headed for
a Breakdown
I don't know why

I'm not crazy,
I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy,
I'm just a little impaired I know,
right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

Me
Talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
I know
I know they've all been talking 'bout me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong
With me

Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I've lost my mind

I'm not crazy,
I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

I been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away

I'm not crazy,
I'm just a little unwell I know,
right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy
I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

Hey, how I used to be
How I used to be, yeah
Well I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be

Update on eating disorders...

My old blog at www.xanga.com/gentlemelody84 was originally set up in year 2004 for the purpose of facilitating my healing from eating disorders. I blogged alot on the emotional and eating struggles of bulimia/anorexia nervosa (as well as other stuff related to my medical studies in Dublin and Penang... and eventually my calling into fulltime ministry) ~ rather than what I had for each meal like some of my dear friends are doing now. It would be even more interesting if I had - but well, I did not - and yet, of course, God glorified Himself no less through my journey and whatever part of it recorded in my blog. It was also through this blog that God graciously brought many (new) friends into my life, reminded me of His faithfulness when I read my old posts, strengthened my passion to write for Him, and unknowingly blessed others... (as I found out much later.)Since I no longer live the way I did when I had eating disorders, especially in the past 2 years, I hardly talk about my struggles with food nowadays. That is because I do not want to associate myself with the illness anymore. I've been healed indeed, by God's grace. However, I still update readers from time to time about my post-ED progress and what God has been doing in my life with respect to that... just to keep myself accountable - especially to those who have been faithfully following my blog and praying for me for years, my dear family and covenant sisters. Also, I hope that by doing so, readers and friends who still struggle with eating disorders would be encouraged to persevere, find hope in God and look forward to a life, post-ED. A beautiful one, that is.

So how am I doing today? :)

Physically...

I am no longer underweight or overweight. My weight does sometimes fluctuate (like that of healthy, normal women), but I have maintained it at a good 53-54kg for a year already. I hardly have gastritis/stomach problems nowadays, because I eat so frequently (LOL) and don't binge uncontrollably on junkfood, purge or abuse laxatives like I used to do. I can't remember the last time I had an acid reflux after a meal and I don't fall sick that often anymore... which is a very good thing, because I cannot afford to keep falling sick any longer, what with the very intensive fulltime M.Div program I am currently undertaking. Whenever I do, it is due to sleep debt... rather than disordered eating patterns.

I usually eat 5-6 meals a day - 3 main meals and snacks in between. This keeps my metabolism going, curbs carb-craving with well-regulated blood glucose levels, and prevents stomach problems. I occasionally allow myself junk food and fast food. (Yaay to Mcd's and all other fast-food, MSG and all!) I exercise 3 times a week - about 30 minutes to 1 hour per session - stretches, light dancing and squats - to help me keep fit. I have yet to improve on my sleeping hours (a little bit difficult, due to work); otherwise, I am doing quite fine.

Secondary to such wonderful progress, I am so much more productive in my studies and work now, have better quality of sleep and am more confident with my body. I can smile at myself in the mirror totally comfortable with the way I look (bulges, imperfections, body shape and all), feel good about dressing-up and look forward to going out with friends...whereas I used to shy away from such gatherings for a period of time, because I did not feel comfortable eating in public.

Mentally...

I am much stronger. I no longer obsess over calories, although I sometimes panic after an eating spree... In such occasions, I'd make an effort to shift my focus to the great time spent with friends/loved ones and what God has done among us, sleep and wake up happy again. I am enjoying my food and enjoying the ability to eat without being attacked by overwhelming guilt and condemnation later. While I may be really emotional (can't help it - it's part of my melancholy nature, and I am FEMALE) and depressed at times, my self-image has improved remarkably over the years... also thanks to the encouragement from friends and loved ones. Staying close to God and knowing Him a little more each day - I continue to grow more secure in His love. It is this love that dispels all fears... and has helped me overcome my fear of food and weight issues. While I respond to Him in worship and adoration, I am slowly but surely discovering how fearfully and wonderfully He's made me - and using the very gifts He's given me to serve Him with joy. It is truly a blessed life - despite its fair share of challenges and difficulties...

To those who always affirm me... especially my dear sister, Zoey, who's been 'walking' with me through thick and thin... thank you, people. To those who have been praying, God has indeed answered many prayers! :) And lastly to those who've always lent me shoulders to cry on - I'll never forget it.

Praise God for everything.

Wednesday

Met up with Rachel in the morning for brunch and chit-chat. Was truly blessed by this one incredible sister; wish we had more time - but she had to go back to work. Hehe... I had work to catch up with myself.

Eczema's back again. Hate the itch - should have bought a new box of antihistamines... but I did not. I hope I can tahan without the antihistamines (heard that you develop a tolerance to it after a while - then you would need increasingly higher doses for the same efficacy). If I can't, I will have to go to the pharmacy tomorrow. Will just avoid scratching (the most difficult part), stay off the eczema-triggering foods for the time being, and keep myself cool and hydrated.. I'm just dreading cleaning my apartment tomorrow.

Made a little progress with my work. Praise God. I'm just glad that on the days there is no inspiration for it, there are still times of meaningful communion with Him.

MLM tonight.

Yay, it's Friday!

Finished a report for the church Beacon very late last night... My tummy rumbled, and I was only too happy to have 2 plain Jacob's cream crackers with cheese on top, and a soothing cup of hot chocolate - before I dove into bed. What a treat! :D

Poor Ben came down with a cold. I am not too far from that myself, what with all the calamities going on in my oral cavity - ulcers, sore gums and stuff. (And I thought I just recovered from the flu not too long ago...In fact, that was just 2 weeks ago!) Therefore, I swept Vitamin C off a shelf at Watson's pharmacy today. There was some promotion going on in Watsons for Redoxon 1000mg, but since this is the first time I am buying Vitamin C *guilty look*, I am not sure how much lower the prices have gone.

Paid my electricity bill today, and was very thankful that God had provided for it through Lydia. Thanks, dear!

Cleaned my house (and did my laundry yesterday) - and I noticed that I've been shedding alot more long hairs from my head lately. I concluded that my body must be trying to get used to the new school term as much as my brain. (Plus I had an infection lately.)

Happy Friday, people! And have a great weekend! :)