Some seminary stuff...

Nothing like sipping warm fruit tea before bed...

I'd read a book too, but it would probably get me too worked up to fall asleep, and while I'm going on leave tomorrow, I still need to wake up early for a pre-registration day at MBTS at 10am plus. Pre-registration is when you choose all the credits you want to take for the new term ahead, fill up a form to indicate which credits you'll be taking and submit the form. Probably talk to Pst OKB too about church attachments for field training.

Tomorrow, I'll also 'test-drive' how long it takes to reach the seminary from my place. The last time I did, it took me half-an-hour. Since I can't picture myself driving half-an-hour to school every morning yet - and having to wake up super-duper early just to skip the morning traffic, I'd like to see if I could take a short-cut and save time and petrol and thus, $.

Hehe, what excitement!

I have a sneaky suspicion that I've become a lil' bit more kiamsiap lately. Nowadays, I feel more guilty spending too.

Anyway, I'll be going off to the Sg. Nibung Bus-station in the afternoon to take a bus home.

My pastor pointed out that I still have one more day of annual leave left of this year (I thought I had used them all up) - hehe. I grinned like mad when he told me that, clapped my hands and said "Yaaay!" without thinking. Paiseh. I'm also so grateful he let me go to the WAM Retreat without having to take an extra day of leave for it.

Talking 'bout holidays, I've got one more confession to make. Today, I finally saw my school schedule for the next 2 terms of year 2009 - and me being me, my eyes - first of all, straightaway scanned it for term breaks... :P Hehe. Ok, don't get me wrong. I'm excited for school. But I can't help getting excited about the hols too. Even though post-graduate studies don't give quite as many hols as I had back in under-grad studies, the number of days I get off still seem luxurious to me - compared to the 8 days of annual leave I had the whole of last year (2008/2009) at TMC. And I haven't even begun counting.

That is not wrong, is it? To be so happy bout the hols?

Bumped into 2 old friends today - that got me so overjoyed. 1. Yew Kong from FES, who stopped at Trinity's office to meet Pst. Woo in the afternoon. 2. Pst. Jonathan Lim from ECF Penang, who came for the MLM class tonight.

It felt really good. I've really missed them. I think it must feel so much more awesome, to go up to heaven when our days on earth expire - and meet our loved ones and friends again - those who've gone before us. And what could feel greater than meeting the fore-runner Himself, our Lord Jesus Christ - who's gone before all to prepare places for us in the heavenly realms? Would it bring me to sobs to touch those nail-pierced hands for myself? I can only imagine...

Love this song by MercyMe that we can only sing now, while we've not gone Home... coz when we're there, we won't need to imagine anymore.

I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By your side

I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When your face
Is before me
I can only imagine

I can only imagine

CHORUS:
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine

I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine

I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever, forever worship you

I can only imagine...

Wednesday and a praise report

Today's a really wet and busy day.

Lotsa work to finish up before I go on leave tomorrow. Notice-board stuff, info-counter, Indah Water, print Sunday church bulletins, prepare for Alpha, cash-vouchers for Uncle GC, and make appointments with aunty-aunty sekalian for next week's communion visitations.

An article to write.

Laundry to do and blow dry. *Huff, puff*

Pack for the KL trip. (Grace, please remember to put your bus-tickets into your bag!) KL, here I come! (Will be back on Saturday) Haven't even unpacked my bag properly from the weekend:P Pardon my laziness... Gosh, oh well... at least, it will save me the trouble of reorganizing it.

Hehe, is that a good enough excuse for procrastination?:P

Last but not least, MLM class at church tonight...


Anyway, here's a praise report. Ben's leg is healing miraculously quickly! Today he's walking at close to normal walking speed!:) That's really quick for a badly sprained ankle, which the doctor said that he would take weeks to recover from. In fact, the doctor told Ben to take MC for one week - which he declined. It's only been 4 days since that day! He was off his crutches on Monday - and the deep cuts on his soles had healed - he could hardly see the wounds or feel any pain. Tuesday, he was able to go to the gym to lift weights.

And today...his condition is improving rapidly. Talk about a resurrected ankle...

It was funny indeed. I've not shared it, but I will share it here. On Saturday night, I lay alone at night praying for Ben and about the heavy guilt upon my heart. And out of nowhere, the story of how Christ rose from His grave in 3 days kept coming to mind. There was this funny impression upon my heart out of my depression, that the Lord would 'raise Ben up' in 3 days! While it did seem bizzarre that it could happen (I've sprained my wrist before, falling down the bunk-bed during our Kubang Pasu public health posting in 2007, and I did not use it for 2 weeks at least - Ben definitely fell from a greater height than I did), I decided that I would believe that God could do the impossible and pray in faith that Ben would be healed and walking in 3 days.

And golly, it did happen! I'm shocked myself to see the progression.

We don't understand how and why...but God works in mysterious ways indeed. Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord!

To all who've been praying for him, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Of today and April...

Today's not a very good day for some people I know... but I earnestly pray that the Lord would help them undo the knots in their ropes and give them the strength to trust Him to make all things work together for good.

I've been feeling very bogged down myself for the past month or so. (Past months or so to be more accurate). April's been a difficult one so far. It has made me dread waking up in the morning sometimes. I am detesting how unmotivated I can get at work (yes, I do!). I'm tired of hearing the word 'Care' for this moment in time. In fact, sometimes, I find CMC such a redundant post. What a misleading label to a person:P Sorry for being over-frank here - but I've been approached by various people asking me if I'm in charge of all the care-groups... and if I'm Care Min Cood because I look after the care-takers (which I do in a way, but that's not the point!) - I've been in alot of confusion.

I mean, there are so many ministries in church catered to look out for for its members, care for them and meet their needs - and they can do it the way they want, as long as they engage in it with gusto, according to God's will. Why would they need someone to co-ordinate their activities or even their visitation programmes? Such intrusion on my part - as I'm not even part of any of those ministries. Any coordination/liaising between those particular ministries and their visitation activities should be a joint pro-active initiative of the ministry leaders la. All the vague calibrations of my job scope make it so tough to focus on what I should be focusing on. I've been told to visit our homebound people, which I've been doing for months on end - and all this while I've been wondering why would a co-ordinator need to do what she is supposed to co-ordinate?:P It's daunting! Imagine this... our brain co-ordinates our arms and legs when we walk. As a result, they move according to organized sequences - right arm swings up as left leg steps forward sort of thing. But the brain isn't supposed to be doing the walking! It's the legs and arms that 'propel' the body forward.

Also, what is considered 'Ad hoc' and where do you draw the line? Or can I even draw a line?:P

Ok, perhaps I'm going to regret putting up this post someday. I apologize if I offend anyone.

But assuredly, I do love Trinity.

There's been so many lessons of patience and waiting to learn, and many more wounds of love. Really, it has taken alot of God's grace to keep me from falling into the abominable trap of self-pity.

I guess the best thing one can do when faced with a mountain is not to keep avoiding it - but to scale it by faith.

Who knows? When he conquers its peaks, would it not give him the pure delight of a tasting and seeing a whole new world over the other side of the mount? Would he not go over to the other side filled with expectant excitement of beholding a new village and a land of blessed new beginnings?

But who will give him the courage to first start climbing?

Who will spur him onwards with the assuring hope of seeing a new village and land beyond its snow-capped peaks?

Who will cheer him on in his climb up the unknown heights? Hurrah every challenge overcome and don't-give-up whenever he bites the dust? Be who Tenzing Norgay was to Edmund Hillary?

It has been a month of learning to appreciate my friends more. Thank God. I've got really neat friends, I must say. And I'd like to learn to be to them - a good and faithful friend, as each of them has been to me. I don't think I have been enough. There are still many precious lessons to be learnt, abit from everybody - how to love unselfishly and give generously. How to be kind, thoughtful and understanding. Guys, keep teaching me please.

I also want to be stronger. To not get depressed so easily. To only shed tears when I've reached the pinnacle of my struggles. To have steadfast peace and joy in my heart at all times, to carry me through every fury and storm. To be a woman of substance, filled with the boldness to pursue the things of God rather than be convinced to bend to fit into the little box the world tells me to fit in. To embrace the very essence of living for Him, even if it means having to go through what the world tells me to avoid. To have unyielding faith stronger than steel that withstands the test of time. Which endures to the very end.

How do I get there from here?

Oh well, at least I've taken my first few baby steps. Laura jie often reminds me that we don't actually need to try so hard to be strong. More importantly, we need to be humble enough to run to God when we're weak. Been spending a little more time in His Word lately - and it's been dearly refreshing. (And humbling too)

A battle is won or lost before it is fought. In the case of our trials, we've got to go forth first on our knees. When God goes with someone, there will never be defeat.

Be delivered, my friends.

Weekend pictures...

Some of the pictures I took before my camera-phone went skinny-dipping in the sea on Saturday...

Ben and I, before we arrived at New World Park for lunch with some of our CG mates...

Upon arriving at Stella Maris... Here's the garden that overlooks the beautiful sea...

Baby Joel... adorably huggable, cuddly, happy and comfy with everybody.

*Muakkkkzzzzz*

Joel happily playing with his toys...

Rachel just up from her nap :) Ok, there were other babies and kids (Tim and Julia)...but I didn't manage to photograph them.

The apartment we stayed in...

The trees with their chopped off branches (I wonder why), and a very geeky-looking me...

Stella Maris, located at Tjg. Bungah - they've got dorms and apartments, fields and courtyards, conference rooms... suitable for retreats, church camps, etc...This was my second stay there. The first time I came, it was for Victory Weekend with Eaglepoint Covenant Fellowship Church:).

Tairven and Ben musing over Tairven's cool SLR camera...

Here's where the adventure began...We walked along the beach...

...towards the patch of rocks at the end of the beach...

Ben started climbing the rocks... And my oh my...he's surely as sure-footed as a goat... I think some of my hairs must have turned white in the sun watching him :S ... I'm more like one of those overly careful people... and so I was climbing the rocks like a robot... Put one foot on one particular spot... Pause... Move the other foot 2 inches.... Pause, etc...

On top of a beautiful rock (an hour before Ben slipped and fell from the same rock and wedged his foot in an awkward angle against another rock at the bottom...)

Amazing...

Some more hair-raising views of Ben...

Phew, after making our way over the rocks, we arrived at this nice, cozy patch of pristine sands... isolated and unspoiled.. I don't know what building was in the background. It looked like some ancient ruin that wasn't too ancient...

Above: a closer view of the 'ancient ruins'...

Ben was intrigued by it... so he did a little more rock-climbing on his own...Interesting roots of a tree...

The same roots of that tree... and my geeky, unpardonable, wind-blown hair...

Ben and I. Again, pardon my geekiness...

What about a rest in the shade?

Resting in the shade before we made our way over the huge rocks again... *Shudder* ...and my phone went skinny-dipping... And Ben fell down the rock, trying to go after it...

The end of our adventure and my picture-taking... :)

One picture I thought hilarious...

...from Rachel's birthday photos... courtesy of her daddy, Tairven. Me (in blue) eating like there's no tomorrow... Haha.

Poor Ben...

Back from my CG retreat at Stella Maris. Good part and bad part.

Good parts. Did enjoy fellowship with the rest of my CG members, the UNO games I had with the girls last night and the worship-and-sharing session we had this beautiful Sunday morning, with the roar of the waves rushing in from the sea. 

Bad parts. My phone fell into the sea and my poor boyfriend got injured :(

Well, it was like this. We were rock-climbing (climbing rocks would be more accurate) barefooted. Came to an isolated part of the beach where we stayed for a while, just enjoying the winds, playing in the fringes of the water and sitting in the shade...I guess my phone (which was in my pocket all the time) got pretty jealous coz I kept it out of the wet. On the way back, my phone decided that a swim in the inviting waters would be nice, and jumped out of my pocket. It slid down the high-rock we were on, and SPLASH!!! It was floating away merrily in the water. 

Silly phone and silly pocket. Silly me.

Ben tried to go down to rescue the silly phone from the clutches of the rolling-out waves, slipped halfway down the rock (coz it was really slippery), and half-fell, half-slid down that rock. (Gosh, I can even remember how he sounded going down the rock - and I'm cringing already...) My hero got his foot dashed and wrenched in an awkward angle against another rock when he reached the bottom of the huge rock, and despite being injured, he was still making desperate grabs at my phone in the water, before the waves could carry it back into the seas! *Pengsan* And guess what? He succeeded! My phone was conked, but I guess I saved my Sim Card, which was a good thing. Then my poor dear limped painfully all the way back to our apartment bleeding and all. There were huge, deep cuts on the soles of his feet - my heart bled when I saw what trouble my phone got him into... Sat around for a while, and since his ankle was getting so swollen and painful, we brought him to the clinic, where he got it x-rayed.

Praise God for no broken bones or even hairline cracks! But it was a bad soft-tissue injury all right, and now, he can't put any weight on his left foot. Everytime I see him hobbling on his crutches, or wincing in terrible pain, I feel so guilty. Last night, I just couldn't stop praying and crying out to the Lord for Ben. Am so thankful that his muscles are no longer spasming like mad today, and he even drove home. Manual car somemore!

Oh well, Ben's been ordered to keep his left foot immobile for a week at least...then slowly put weight on it again. Sau Chan was soooooo kind to lend us her brother's now unused crutches. Glad Ben has the crutches now. I'm sure he feels much better being so much more independant now, than when we didn't have them on hand! I'm also so touched and thankful for the guys in our CG - Quan Young, Tairven, and Matthew - who helped Ben get around especially last night, when the pain was extreme. Then also, Louise and Quan Young, who sacrificially brought us to the clinic and faithfully waited around with us, till the doctor was finally done with Ben. 

I hope and pray he heals soon.

Oh, I still feel so guilty. My memory works this way that I remember everything I saw in its perfect sequence - including what I saw, what I heard, what I experienced surrounding that event. I mean, ask me to randomly remember what happened in a conversation we had, and I can tell you exactly what happened vividly. What you said, what I said. What you wore, what we were eating, what music played in the background...Who laughed where, etc. My brain kinda took a video of Ben's accident (dunno how to explain better) and since I was traumatised, the video is playing and replaying itself over and over again in my head. Therefore, I'm currently sorta having PTSD, whereby I keep seeing flashbacks of that unfortunate event... of how Ben fell down the rocks and everything about it...and it pretty much disturbs me...

ARGH!!!

Sweet April Rain...

Really pleased about the rain in Penang! At long, long last. In fact, the whole of the last 2 weeks, it's been raining on and off. What a relief for our people. Especially for people like me, who have problems dealing with the heat and eczema. (Boy, I miss Dublin's cool weather!)

Today, I thought it was pretty exciting to drive down Greenlane, with the bright, stark yellow flowers from the canopy of ancient trees lining up alongside the road pelting my car left, right, centre - along with the gigantic rain-drops! A little romantic even... hehe. (Though I do hope nobody will pelt me with yellow flowers on my wedding day!) Extremely beautiful...

I had this very random thought up in my head while driving through the shower of yellow flowers - why did God have to make those flowers so yellow? (I'm serious. They were super yellow!) I felt extremely blessed that I could tell that the flowers were yellow:P ~ Some people can't even make out the colour yellow. They wouldn't be able to enjoy its bright summery hue like we do then.

It's also amazing that God knows every flower that fell from its tree and pelted my car. To me, it all looks the same. Tiny yellow flowers. But to Him, they are all unique. They may have the same number of petals... but every petal has its own unique fingerprint of shape and size. The same goes for the ancient trees they fell from. Every tree has the same kind of trunk, same kind of leaves, same kind of flowers... but they are so different in so many ways. Firstly, they again come in different shapes and sizes. Then the patterns on every tree bark are different too. The way their roots 'menjalar' on the ground - different! But they are such beautiful trees. And no tree says to its neighbour btw, "Hey, why can't I be as tall as you?!?"

If every tree and flower is special to the Lord (I'm sure He enjoys them to a much greater extent than I ever can), then what more for us, human beings whom He created in His image?:)

He made each and everyone of us special. Each of us for a unique, divine high purpose.

So why do we try so hard sometimes to be replicas of others, when we can be the most authentic being our very selves? If you are a Grace, be the very best Grace you can be. If you are a Jillian, be the very best Jillian you can be. If you are a Bobby, be the very best Bobby you can be.

Why do we try so hard to be what we are not?

What a mystery.

Anyway, here's something not so cool about the rain... our church carpark gets flooded...
...then the road in front of church gets congested, coz the cars would then have to weave their way slowly through the waters to avoid water going up into the engines.

Meeting up with Ben later for dinner (I am very hungry already - snacked on crackers while typing this), then we are going to Giant Hypermarket after dinner to see if we can get him a sleeping bag for our CG retreat tomorrow. He's the chosen one to camp out in the apartment's living room tomorrow night while everybody else sleeps in the rooms.

Have a great weekend, guys!

Thursday, 23/4/2009

Today, I feel happy. Despite my late night yesterday (Couldn't sleep thanks to William Joseph's 'Kashmir' playing and replaying itself in my head till the wee hours of the morning - I don't know why I still bothered to listen to it today on my Windows Media Player, after all that! I even sustained a slight headache forcing my eyes to stay shut!), I'm still happy. Happy, happy, happy.

Maybe it's the joyful kind of happy. It's definitely not the kind of happy you get when things are going great! My troubles are still as messy as ever. My problems have not all gone away. But my heart's all light and I do see a silver lining in my awan kumulonimbus. Some people must have been praying for me recently. Thank you so very much!:) I appreciate it.

I mean, I must admit - it's weird. I've never felt so um...efficient and energetic in a long while. Busy getting tasks done, doing a little researching here and there, studying and running errands. Why, even hand-washing my clothes too!:P Wondering what's with all that motivation and energy...

God, thank You for peace.

Today, talking to Lydia reminded me of God's unfailing, unconditional love for us. How patient and merciful He is with our iniquities. How faithfully He reveals Himself when we cry, "Lord, open the eyes of our hearts!" How sweet He makes His presence - when we sit alone, talk to Him and repent of the hardness of our hearts. Such is the kindness of the Lord. The very kindness that leads us to repentance.

Sobered up at the thought of how terribly short I fall of His glory. How scarlet my sins! But He is able to make us whiter than the snow. Wonderful, glorious Savior!

Alot of excitement in the air - Stella Maris this weekend, KL the next (for Shirley's wedding), Worship team retreat... and maybe more coming up soon.

Some inspiration...

Today, I came across a young woman's blog, http://nattietan.wordpress.com, which really encouraged me.

She was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa not too long ago (last year), and her blog records her meals and her journey towards recovery. Myself, having battled that as well as bulimia for many years before I finally came to be healed (praise God!), I was touched beyond words to read her blog entries indeed. It brings me to remember how deathly my circumstances, how tormented my soul, and how mightily God has delivered me from my illnesses.

Nattie, be strong!:) I pray that you would discover God and His unfailing love like you've never before, in this journey ahead. Also, I'm hoping that more young women who're currently battling eating disorders would stumble upon your blog as I did, and be encouraged. I'm truly blessed. Keep it up!

With much love, Grace.

What faith rests upon...

The thing about memory verses sometimes... Sure they help us know and remember the promises of God by heart. Intelligent directions. But it doesn't really help our faith to know the promises of God by heart, unless our faith rests on His very being. His character, His attributes, His perfections and His faithfulness.

One can sadly be a top Bible-scholar without being a true Christian at heart! I've known of at least one.

Faith cannot just rest on the promises alone. Anyone can make promises for that matter! But not everyone keeps the promises he/she made.

Our Christian faith must thus rest on the One who made the promises. One who does not lie. Take His own breathed Word for example - the Bible, is a book of truth. It hides no facts. It hides no penalties. God tells us David was a man after His own heart but He also tells of how he fell and committed adultery. Peter was His chosen apostle but he cursed, swore and said, "I never knew Him." God tells us about eternal life in Christ but He doesn't hide the troubles, hardships and persecutions we would go through as long as we bear our Christian identity. We've got to buy the crown with blood, sweat and tears. Such an honest Book of Life. We've got to absolutely read it for ourselves and let His Word come alive to us! It's no use to merely live on borrowed faith based on even the words we hear from the preacher's pulpit!

OK, perhaps I digressed a little bit there.

Anyway back to the subject of memory verses - I think, before we memorize verses and learn them so that His promises seep into every fibre of our beings, we've got to know God for who He really is. Then we can tap on His promises at any moment, confidently and fully counting on the merits of His Son, upon which we depend. I mean, what is the point of holding on the promises of someone that you don't really know? If that is the case, it would be truly difficult to trust and hope.

One of those days...

Humanly, unmotivated Wednesday... My goodness. Why is the clock ticking so slowly?

I keep thinking of going out of Penang. Or going for a swim. No worries, I am NOT going to swim out of Penang.

Been itching badly due to eczema and Sunday's mozzy bites. I hope to buy a new stock of antihistamines today.

NO MLM or choir tonight. Guess it would be a good time to stay at home + get some work done.

One of the most fun things to do...

I love going out for coffee/tea/meals with the people I love...

One of my closest friends and sister, Ji, has been back from Singapore for 2 months for a long break, before she starts MO-ship in neonatology next month. And since she's been off with her family for a trip somewhere nice and exciting (London!:P I absolutely loved London), we only got to meet up yesterday - on my off-day.

First things first - we were so pleased to see one another, that we were almost beside ourselves in excitement when we saw one another. (I know, it was all very drama, but we couldn't help ourselves.) The passers-by obviously thought that we were mad. Coz they watched us with half-shocked, half-amused glances on their faces.

Ooooops. Sorry people. A thousand apologies...

Since we usually go to Dome Cafe for lunch our annual meet-ups (or whenever we are able to meet up for that matter), we thought we'd have a change. We went down to Ipoh Old Town for tea instead. The place wasn't too crowded, so we could sit down comfortably in one corner, tuck into french toast, drink juice, and chit-chat. There was a lot of catching up to do, and the both of us guffawed so loudly that it was as well that we chose to sit where we sat.
I felt so, so, so blessed. Jie prayed with me, updated me on what she, Laura and Ewan korkor are doing with the youth in TOC Singapore (I felt so ministered to, even listening to just that), and then just like the 'icing on the cake', she picked out a mysterious pink Averine plastic bag from her hand-bag and handed it to me... Surprise, surprise!

Aiyar...then Ji being Ji - I was made to open up the bag in front of her...hehe.

Hmmm, what could it be?
1. A beautiful, classy, vintage-inspired purse from Anna Sui *Gasp* I can hardly bear to put anything into it for fear I'd wrinkle it.
2. A pair of graceful and elegant dangling ear-rings from Marks & Spencers. Nearly missed this one out, coz it was down at the bottom of the bag...

I felt very spoiled indeed. I don't always get such luxurious stuff for myself. So when I actually receive it, I get really overwhelmed. *Snifffff* Thanks, Jie.

Then she brought out Laura's present and her number 3 present to me... which I unfortunately cannot reveal here:P It's got to remain top secret for the time being... Hehe.

Also, unfortunately, I couldn't get anything for Ji and Laura in return, coz I'm currently short of moolah (hehe, Pig, thought I'd use that word here...) :( I definitely must guai guai dey study to do their encouragements justice le. :D
What a great meeting we had. We had fun indeed!

Received my approval letter from MBTS today. And thus, I'm officially a student in MBTS now!:)

Back to work today...It was raining like mad this morning (for a change), that I got stuck in a traffic jam, and was 40 minutes late for work:S But I am loving the cool and cozy weather for the time being.

Have you out-grown your comfort zone?

Out-growing is when...

...the luxurious home and playground of a fishbowl is reduced to a tight space for a fishie, who's doubled and tripled its original size... (If you've really never seen such a sight, you will not imagine the look of distress on the fishie's face! I can't imagine myself having to move into my own bathroom and stay there for the rest of my life either.)

...a favourite top has to be given away after a whole season of merry-making - eating sprees and neglect of exercise. When it seems to have shrunk a few sizes and shortened to mid-rift - and you know it's got nothing to do with the washing machine or some supernatural shrinking feat of cotton fibres. When no amount of tugging can bring it down comfortably to touch your waist without recoiling... Not a very pleasant experience. I've been there, done that...

...you have to start cutting new holes into your belt to increase its wrap-around circumference... Even more depressing than having to give away your favourite top I believe:P For me, it's out of mind, out of sight. Kind of. It's much harder to give away belts, btw.

...you have got 6 kids and 2 adults living in a 2-roomed apartment. Hehe... for my family, it was 2 kids and 2 adults living in a 3-roomed terrace house in Subang Jaya... and that was already a very challenging thing.

In a spiritual sense, in our walk with God, it's His transforming work upon our hearts, when...

...we've grown fed-up of wallowing in our pits of denial and complacency, grudges, unforgiveness or self-pity...
...we are starting to be restless in the captivities of the comfort we used to indulge in...
...what seemed safe in the past, now threatens to stagnate our growth...
...we've grown tired of avoiding risks and the uncomfortable to suit ourselves...
...what we accepted in order to fit into the world we live in becomes a challenge to the conscience...
...things we could well put-up with in the past with compromise on our part, start clashing with our personal devotion to the Lord.
...God convicts us to put behind the past and move on...

But perplexities of life remain perplexities of life.

How difficult it is to make the first step out of such comfort zones, even while it is tough staying in it! There's often a nolstalgic feel to a comfort zone... a sentimental tendency to want to linger in that familiar space which holds countless memories and investments. Also... the fears of stepping beyond the boundaries of the now uncomfortable comfort zone and facing the realms of the unknown.

I mean... I found it dreadful enough, when I had to move from my previous accomodation to my current apartment, even though my home now is way, way better... and even though I was way, way depressed squatting in the previous place for that few months.

It is always tough to let go of the things we've clung on so tightly to - to receive an unknown blessing that can only be beheld through the eyes of faith - a perspective of God.

I gave this some thought yesterday, while I was spending time with the Lord. Well, basically it's because I've got my own comfort zones which I've outgrown too.

Firstly, it's a matter of faith and trust. Nobody is perfectly brave and steel-hearted when they make the first baby step - but that very first step stretches our faith to trust God enough to take the next step.

Consider the biblical examples below:

• Peter readily stepping out of the boat to walk on the water at the call of the Lord VS. Lot who lingered in Sodom and Gomorrah, even after the Lord had called him out.
• Mary, the first to receive the Saviour come as person, into the world (into her womb) risking ridicule and persecution VS. Peter who denied Him during His trial to avoid ridicule and persecution.
• Ananias who obeyed God (in Acts 9 - love the story!) and went to restore the sight of blinded Paul well-known for his acts of persecution against the Church VS. Moses, who initially begged the Lord to send someone else when he was called to bring the Israelites out of their Babylonian captivity (Exodus 4:10-13)
• The rich man who found it so difficult to give up everything he owned for the Lord (Matt 19:16-23) VS. Zacchaeus the wealthy chief tax collector who repented before the Lord, and said, "Look Lord! Here and now I give half of my possessions to the poor and if I have cheated anybody out of anything, I will pay back four times the amount." (Luke 19:1-10)

Amazing isn't it? We all know what subsequently happened to betraying Peter, insecure Moses... and even rebellious Jonah. God was merciful to call them out from their comfort zones a second time...and many other 'second times' for that matter!

In context, my dad (and Ben I think) love to quote: "You've got to do the very thing you fear the most!" I honestly need to try harder!:P Gotta seek God and ask Him how I can step out of it. Love the comfort, joy, strength and encouragement the Lord gives through godly counsel from my brothers and sisters in Christ too. You guys who have been so, so, so edifying and faithful in praying for me, I'm really grateful!

Secondly, it is a matter of opening our lives to a new season of creativity!:) Not only for ourselves... but for the people close to us as well.

End of last year, after having waited on God for a while with regards to where to go after my 9 months of work with the church and based on some confirmations I received from the Lord through His Word, people and my leaders, I made this very radical, rather intimidating (to me) decision to stay in full-time ministry and not go back to what I was doing in medicine. I felt really alone to at first - because... can you imagine? All the people who had graduated at the same time as I did from PMC are now practicing, earning doctors in hospitals all over the country... and all over the globe, kinda. Plus there were sure many people who discouraged me from giving up my medical career so early. The biggest issue I am currently facing as a result is how am I to support myself financially through the next three years of pursuing M. Div at the local seminary.

Bleargh. Hehe. I regret to say, that I have not been too brave or creative lah. I kept swinging between trusting God and crying tears of depression. Talk about being fickle-minded. I think it was by God's grace alone He kept me sane and weaned. But the hilarious thing about it was that it got my family and close friends excitedly thinking of ways I could pull through! I pray that the Lord would continue to guide us and more importantly, bring us to see His powerful hand of deliverance and glory through this.

Thirdly, forsaking our comfort zones brings us closer to the Lord... and more integrated into the fellowship of the Body of Christ. There's nothing much to explain here... I've never in my life written as much in my Omer of Manna or appreciated being in a care-group as much as I have in the past few years especially. Never.

My conclusion: When comfort zones become uncomfortable, it's a golden opportunity for growth indeed. May we who are in such a situation trust God and lean upon Him in faith. For no eye has seen and no ear has heard, the great things which the Lord has purposed and prepared for those who love and trust Him.

TGIM...

My weekend was kinda refreshing, even though I was way, way, way tired.

CG (Tairven's and Ben's) had a combined gathering on Saturday evening to celebrate Rachel's turning two!:) It was really fun. We had lots of food, fellowship and a birthday cake for Rachel. The candles were in the shapes of alphabets spelling out 'Happy Birthday'. She looked so excited!:) It was so adorable to see the little girl plucking out her birthday candles afterward, and naming the alphabets one by one. "H!" "A!" Etc, etc... Hehe. The other kids present - Timothy, baby Joel, and baby Matthias had our hearts warmed by their cute antics too. 

I had a good time catching up with alot of people whom I haven't seen in a while, since our mother CG (Tairven's) multiplied. 

Sunday - we had to get the grass cut big-time at Mini Taman Negara, just so that the snakes wouldn't make their home in the bushes - so we were there for quite a while on Sunday morning/afternoon supervising Mr. A, the grass-cutter. (That was the only time and day he could make it - somemore, he arrived so late!) It was really HOT and the mosquitoes were swarming since it was their first hello after quite some time. So it wasn't really a pleasant experience! Ben and I arrived at the evening service very, very droopy, itchy (that's for me), and exhausted. I had eczema over the weekend, so it got me really cranky and sad too :P

Ben's bro, James - called us after the evening service at church - to tell us that his car had broken down! Thus, we spent a few hours on the road, pushing the car to the side of the road, surveying the damages and waiting for the tow-truck to come tow the car to the workshop. Ben and I left the scene after a while, coz we had to get some stuff at Tesco's. How glad we were to get back to Ben's place for a good home-cooked dinner! 

I slept as soon as my head touched my pillow last night. Phew!!! So exhausted. 

TGIM! Thank God it's Monday!!!!! :) I'm having tea with Ji later today!!!! Can't wait to see her after sooooo long!!!

Saturday

Super warm day. Not doing my eczema too good. :( Yesterday, I had it on my neck... then today, I've got rash on my arms too. Think what primed it was stress + hot weather... then I ate prawns... 

Ok, I don't get bad reactions from eating prawns all the time. I'm just mildly allergic to it, compared to other types of shellfish. It's only when my eczema gets 'primed', then I add on the mild allergen... then the rash is triggered. Hope the anti-histamine worked. And the cream too. Trying not to scratch. And I cut my nails too.

Sent in my resignation letter yesterday.. with one month's notice. 15th May will be my last working day as Care-ministries Coordinator at Trinity. I felt a little sad handing it in - but I was mostly joyful, hehe. Not that I hated my job, but it is a great relief to know that I'll be taking a 3 week-long break before I start studies at MBTS.  

Pig and Mr. Postman can then stop harping on the CARE min or K-meen-see (pronounce it in Cantonese and see:P) thingy already.

Where do you draw the line?

Today wasn't the most cheerful of days, but the Lord was good. I opened up my Bible to read at lunch-time, after praying a while and alot of lamentations unto a pair of faithful ears on the other end of the phone. Part of today's reading really spoke to me. I'm still in the Book of Romans, btw.

Romans 12:11-12 - "Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervour, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."

How difficult it is sometimes. Zeal and spiritual fervor to serve God in trying times. No wonder Paul continued - be joyful in hope, patient in affliction and faithful in prayer. Having joy and hope lifts us up to trust God. Being patient in affliction helps us wait on Him in full reliance - indeed He is mighty to save! Praying faithfully and knowing He listens (I mean, if we didn't think He listened, we wouldn't be praying faithfully, would we?) gives us the peace that transcends all understanding which guards our hearts and minds in Him.

God, help me to hope, wait and pray.

Wee Lyn, Pig, Lydia, Laura and Zoey... women of faith. Thank you for your encouragement and prayers. I heartily appreciate it.

And Pig... golly-schMOOlly....I love all your ideas!!!!

Where do you draw the line - in between being pro-active in a faith that acts and being desperately hasty in doubt?

When do you move from a faith that waits and stays... to a faith that acts and moves?

Lord God, grant me discernment... Say go and I will go. Tell me to wait and I will wait.

Something I thought about today...

Sometimes it is not fair to judge someone.

Just because the drowning man decided to climb onto the first boat that came along, it doesn't mean that he lacks faith. He is just being practical rather than being over-spiritual and missing what could have been the hand of God.

Just because someone does not walk through the first door that opens unto him...(or even the 2nd, or 3rd, or 4th, for that matter) it doesn't mean that he is a doubtful or impractical man.
---------------------------------

Anyway, having said all that, I'd like to remember a very special person today in my blog entry...

My beloved dad...Haha... sorry la Pa if you think the pictures goofy or corny:P I think they're cute.

Today, someone mentioned him and I could not help openly tearing away. I think Pa is a very special man. And when I think of how he, being a single parent (my mum's passed away when I was in form 5), worked so hard so that I could go through med school... and how supportive he has been of me going into full-time ministry even after all that (although he found it a little difficult at first - understandably), I feel both very proud of him and wretched that I have not been as good a daughter as I feel I should.

So today, I decided to put this up on my blog (with many tears), to let him know that he's my hero and I love him very much.

Pa. You know, if you ever read this, I want you to know that: every tear you've cried being so alone in things; every time you've come back home exhausted from labouring hard so that I wouldn't go hungry in Dublin; every night you've lain in bed wondering what tomorrow brings when the times were so tough... perhaps I haven't been there for you. But Pa, thank you for having been always there for me.

I love you, Pa.

God, bless my dad abundantly for what He has faithfully given to You through investing in my life.

Wednesday - mission accomplished!:D

Back from church. Had a MLM class today, which was really good. It is my first time. For the first 30 minutes, I kept feeling like I wanted to run out :S ~ Like a kid on the first day of kindergarten. Then, thankfully I settled down after that. The programme is really great. Got me intrigued and pretty inspired.

The course will last 3 years. I do hope I will still be here at the end of 3 years!!!:P Not that I want to back out or anything like that. But I can't tell where I'll be then. Will probably be graduating from MBTS as well.

I had this funny, wild and random thought before I went for class today. (Very typical of me). 3 years is a long time! That's like the amount of time I spent in PMC after Dublin - almost. And boy oh boy...alot of things happened in the past 3 years. There was never a dull moment. Hehe. I wonder what will happen in this 3 years ahead. In the 2 years ahead. In this year itself...

Weighed myself on the weighing machine in Bethel today. Hehe. And oh wow, I've lost about 5 pounds more in the past 2 weeks. Pretty cool huh. Not that I've done much dietting. On the contrary to that, I've been pretty well-fed! Especially over the weekends! Can really pengsan one. It's not my fault ma. Eating out with loved ones, friends, exotic breakfasts (i.e. not the usual muesli and soymilk thingy), meals-on-the-go, etc. Then, Ben's mum always seems to want to fatten me up. The usual weekend thingy. (Now you know why I say TGIF every Friday!) Plus last week, like I said - I had Mcd's for lunch almost everyday, due to the work pile-up in the church office prior to Easter. (Hehe, maybe the weekend diarrhoea did help detox me a little bit.) So I am so thankful that my weight still went down.

Phew. And it means my BMI's back to 20 and below now! YAAAAY! :)

After 6 long years. Praise God! I've never had my BMI below 20 for such a long time - until today. In fact, I've never had a normal BMI in the last 10 years or so. Thanks to ED's, I have been severely emaciated and underweight.. then I swung from that to soaring overweight. I've lost 30 pounds since then. It's been hard work what with all the fluctuates and such - but I started loving myself somewhere in between. Today, it's a right-smack normal BMI again, and I'm so, so relieved.

--->
--->

Kekez. I think what helped was that I have been trying to be more faithful to my exercise regimes during the week and doing weights along with whatever cardio I throw in. And ALL that help with the flab so much! Okay, not the kind of iron Ben pumps:P ~ Those look like they will break off my arm in just one lifting effort! But I've been working with a resistance band at home, the weekend gym visits when I visit Ben place (if I'm not lazy) and the stuff you can do with your own body-weight - squats, push-ups, crunches, etc. Hope to be swimming more often too. Still have alot more toning to be done - especially in the roly-poly areas. I'm not looking to lose that much weight more after this. Just maintenance would be fine. But I guess if I do lose somemore flab from the roly-poly areas (yeah, those parts Pig claimed that she would put into a burger), I'd just probably go down another few kgs and still be in my healthy-weight range.

Hehe, how I wish those roly-poly's would shift to the places I unintentionally flattened/shrunk in the last 2 months. I don't know why just in the last 2 months. Don't ask me. So mysterious la.

My clothes have gone much looser, and I am so glad now that I did not buy a dress last month (for my friend's wedding in May). Don't think I'll get one now - dresses in Penang are way too expensive for my pocket. Think I'd just go in something from my wardrobe. :P

I celebrated when I came back home - with 2 yummy raspberry cookies!:)

Our bodies...

Today, I read Romans 12:1-2 (TNIV) with much conviction.

"(Verse1)Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is true worship. (Verse2) Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."

Offering our bodies as living sacrifices to God. 2 aspects of it:

1. Health - the epitome of a living sacrifice.

We always forget that it's not enough to merely give our time, gifts and hearts to the Lord. I know of many devoted Christians who are sadly battling all kinds of lifestyle-related diseases, due to neglect of their bodies and health. Diabetes mellitus type 2 and its many complications, cardiovascular diseases, hypertension, cancers, kidney failure, osteoarthritis secondary to obesity, etc. The list goes on and on. Apalling diets in which fat-laden, sugar-laden, high-calorie food dominate, lack of exercise, long-term insufficient sleep (of course we can't help having late nights ocassionally), neglect of skin-care/eye-care, and ineffective stress management - in the long run, these jeopardize our health and bodies badly.

As a result, we become a bunch of run-down looking, disease-swamped individuals, whose bodies are nowhere near being 'living' sacrifices. Impractical for strenuous work of any kind, not strong enough to bear daily workloads, unable to tolerate long road-trips or mission-trips into the jungles and merely... wasting away. To make no mention of all the money and resources we would have to now spend on life-long specialists' consultations, specially tailored diets and medications, when these could all have been given to build God's Kingdom. I know the bodies we dwell in are temporary. But we've got to dwell in something while we live out God's purposes on this earthly side of eternity! Even as we lay up for ourselves treasures in heaven where no moth or rust destroy!

Why should we offer to God sacrifices which cost us nothing? (2 Samuel 24:24) While we work diligently at our spiritual walks, let us not be over-spiritual and subsequently neglect the stewardship of these bodies God has given us to live in. This is our spiritual act of worship. (See Romans 12:1, TNIV - "True worship") Do not be deceived! It is the lie of the Enemy that tells us that we can be spiritually healthy without being physically healthy. We don't have to be Christians to know that 'A healthy body makes a healthy mind.' Why, I even learnt that in primary school! All the way from Standard One. Badan cergas, otak sihat! In fact, the devil knows that once he gets us to neglect our healths, our spiritual walks would in time suffer the consequences of it.

To summarize... A healthy body (our 'outer man') prepares us a healthy mind, ready for renewal... so that our 'inner man' may be transformed (Rom 12:2) and thus be able to test and approve what God's will is... His good, pleasing and perfect will.

I love what a brother mentioned to me once - "You need a healthy body to do the work of God!"

This has got to take some discipline. I will not go into lengthy details of this - we can find really great self-help books from the health section of any bookstore. But please, do go and find out how we can take better care of our health and bodies. Shun all the stuff and bad habits that cause physical or physiological damage.

*Promises self to try and cut out fast-food, processed foods and junk-food; sleep earlier and exercise at least 4 times a week*


2. Our bodies - a Temple Of His Dwelling

(1 Corinthians 6:19-20) - 'Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.'

According to Romans 12:1, we've not only got to offer our bodies as living sacrifices to God - but they've got to be holy and pleasing. In other words, we have to keep our bodies in such a manner that they would honor God.

3 things that corrupt the temple of God for starters:

• sexual immorality. 1 Cor 6:18 NIV - 'Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.'
• profanity of the mouth. James 3:5-6 NASB - 'So also the tongue is a small part of the body, and yet it boasts of great things. See how great a forest is set aflame by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, the very world of iniquity; the tongue is set among our members as that which defiles the entire body, and sets on fire the course of our life, and is set on fire by hell.' Crude language, cursing, ungodly conversations, vulgarities, using the name of the Lord in vain, etc. You get the drift.
• sins of the heart. Primary or secondary. Matthew 15:16-20 NIV - ' "Are you still so dull?" Jesus asked them. "Don't you see that whatever enters the mouth goes into the stomach and then out of the body? But the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these make a man 'unclean.' For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. These are what make a man 'unclean' "...'

Flee from those mentioned above! Let us honour God with our bodies. May they be pleasing sacrifices to Him. Holy, acceptable and undefiled.

Wolves/foxes in sheep clothing?

Neck is aching. I certainly don't know what I did. Well, I can't help my posture when I am sleeping like a log...so I wouldn't know if I slept on it wrongly. Didn't really sprain my neck during exercise. And I am hoping that infamous 2005/2008-lower back-ache won't come back, since I detected a tinge spasms in my lower back yesterday night, while lazing on the sofa/couch. In great alarm, I had to put a pillow behind my back to support my back. Growing a little more aware of my sitting/standing posture too. Certainly don't want another course of physiothx... Since I'm no longer a medical student now, no more privileges and advantages:P - and this means long queues/waiting lists for ortho and physio appointments at the GH. Haha.

A close sister-in-Christ warned me today to be aware of wolves/foxes in sheep clothing:P Golly-schmolly. I shall definitely be keeping my eyes peeled. I have unfortunately a soft spot somewhere in my heart for people... But I'm glad that today, thanks to all the weird experiences working at Trinity and terserempak dengan con-men sekalian (I'm not kidding ok!), the warnings of Pst. J when he was still around, and a worried Ben's advice... I'm a little more wise. Con-man alert too. (dear Ben still doesn't think so, hehe:P). However, I'm glad I have brothers and sisters around who watch my back... Praise God for that. I just hope that my being vigilant would never stop me from helping and praying for those who are really in need, in my unnecessary suspicion. Where do we draw the line, I wonder? Sometimes, this makes me pretty serba-salah. And trapped. God, show me and grant discernment that I'd know who is that You want me to 'offer a glass of water' and those who I should gently and politely but firmly turn down.

Currently listening to Richard Clayderman's piano pieces over my laptop... wanted something relaxing... and they indeed are. But they are also making me way, way nolstalgic. All the songs I own have their sentimental values... and I've played them over and over again since my Dublin days to accompany me through the years. Whenever I listen to them, I'd remember Dublin. My church folks, and how they impacted my life. Their prayers. Their ministry. Their love and support as I battled with EDs. UGC. Royal College of Surgeons. Mercer's Court. The old piano in Milin Basement. Apartment 43, St. Patrick's court. The late Pastor Ray (who died of cancer). Pastor Claudine. Pastor Paul. Pastor Debbie. Pastor Mike. Cindy and Martin Ryan. Cyn. Yvonne. Tamryn. Maeve. Andrea. And etcetera. Teaching in Lucan. My beloved little pupils who taught me many precious lessons about trusting God. Worship conferences at Belfast. Liffey Valley Mall. St. Stephens Green park. Taking buses home. Walking home in the dark. The freezing cold evenings at church/attending Harp-and-bowl/prayer-walking with EN people. Worship practices at Harold's Cross. Mark. Mich. Belle. Johann. Laura. Etc.

I think it all would fit into a book. Such a beautiful story of God's grace upon my life.

Easter Choir Videos

For those who missed the TMC choir's presentation on Easter Sunday this year, you can view it on Youtube at the following URL's (in the order of the songs sung):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jwe1dzz4BDk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lffu14oisb8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fiu1_dpQnJU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TwssvgmUW9Y

Don't know if the links work... but they sure worked for me...

To stop and breathe...

Diarrhoea is kinda gone, peeps! Yaay! Praise God!

Back to work today. Had a blessed Monday (off-day) yesterday. Spent alot of time reading

Seminary updates...

Finally, after alot of delays, I mailed the church endorsement letter which I had 3 leaders sign for me, to the seminary. I am currently awaiting the letter of acceptance (which indicates that I've been accepted into MBTS for my 3 years of M.Div studies + equipping), so that I can send it in along with my resignation letter to resign from my current job at church.

Also, I'm considering only working until the middle of May, opposed to my initial plans to resign at the end of May. That's because I thought it would be good to take some time off to really rest and prepare myself for the start of my studies in June. I haven't had a proper break since I graduated from PMC and I ain't complaining much, coz it was my own decision to work right after that:P LOL. But I thought it would be great to go home and spend perhaps a week or so with family, have my own retreat, go for church camp, etc, etc. Oklar. Money is one thing... but then, I really really really (says it 100 times more) need a holiday before I start intensive studying again.

Please keep me in prayer bout finances. I still have no idea how I'm going to live through the months, although church has kindly indicated that they would support me in some way or another. No idea yet how much of all I will need would be covered... dahlah, I feel terribly indebted that I'm going to be so dependant (such a humbling feeling). I also don't have other means of getting income at the moment. MBTS has warned me that assignments are gonna be heavy, plus I'd have to do weekend field trainings at church...so I don't dare to give any commitments to part-time jobs yet. But, God is indeed Jehovah Jireh. To all who've been praying, encouraging and even giving - friends, family, beloved cell group members (even from those days when I was back in Tairven's CG - they were praying for me even when I hadn't an inkling of where I was going yet... Every week I'd just say, "Pray for directions for my life..." and they'd just do that!), thank you so much. I'm pretty blessed.

The Monday after Easter

It has been a busy weekend indeed.

I fell a little sick. Had diarrhoea the whole weekend (at first I thought that it was a hormonal issue - but later, it turned out to be not), sore-throat and ulcers. Then my whole body seems to be aching away, although I've not done any exercise for a few days already. Hehe, then I wondered if it was due to over-consumption of Mcd's. *embarrassed grin* Seriously, the day I promised myself not to eat anything else from Mcd's, my dear boyfriend decided to buy me a vanilla-choc-top cone from Mcd's (after Good Friday service) ...and how could I resist?:P

*giving the most wai sik look* Yummmmmmy...

Diarrhoea was pretty troublesome (and not to mention embarrassing). I meant to keep very quiet about it, because knowing my boyfriend's parents, they'd get pretty worried, and I was very afraid of all the attention it would draw:P But last night, while I was having dinner at Ben's house, I had to halfway rush to the bathrooms...then when I came back to the table after having spent a long while away, his parents were watching the telly in the living room - and looking at me with the most sympathetic smiles on their faces. Then his mum went something like, "Boleh makan ke?" LOLx. I nodded vigorously and red-faced, being very paiseh - then caught sight of a whole box of po chai yun (Chinese trad herbal medicine for diarrhoea and stomach-ache) on the dining table... and Ben grinning at me. Sigh.

Hehe. Needless to say, I had the po chai yun after dinner. We went to Giant Hypermarket after dinner, and I didn't even make any trips to the loo til' I came back home! Cool! Diarrhoea seems to be a little better today. Praise the Lord.

Despite all that, I think Easter really refreshed me. Remembering what Jesus has done on the cross for me, the victory He's won over death, etc. Being in the choir ministry at church, having to go for practices and singing the victorious lyrics of Easter choral pieces on Easter Day. How reassuring!

Good Friday

Haven't stopped working since I came to church in the morning... Phew! But good also la. There has been absolutely no time to be depressed, almost. I was so tired yesterday that I didn't go for the Maundy Thursday service, even though I had initially planned on going. But I managed to snitch some sermon notes from Pig. :)

Had a little 'emergency' at noon somemore:P Had to rush back home, and rush back to the office to continue printing Easter Sunday bulletins before our faithful team of bulletin staplers and folders (Aunty Yeok Lin and Aunty Avril) arrived. Nearly got into another accident - but it's not my fault.

You guys from Trinity know that turning just before we arrive at the church gates - when you are coming from Scotland Road/Penang Turf Club right? There has been at least 3 car accidents at that junction in the past 2 weeks. You are not supposed to U-turn there, ok. There was this driver who shocked me by U-turning at that junction, just when I was turning out in front of Srigim Hospital - nearly banged me somemore. Sigh, then I felt bad because I forgot that I was in front of a HOSPITAL. And you're not supposed to sound the horn - but I did:P

But I'm pretty thankful that nothing happened. Praise God for that.

Anyway, no visitations the whole day. Just office work... We've been so busy this week that I've been giving Mcd's good business:P I've been eating that for lunch for 3 days in a row already. Since it's right across the road. I'm so sick of fast-food already. I'm craving for the good ol' economic rice with veggies and curry tofu. Next week, NO MC'DONALD's! I promise!

Maundy Thursday

To Pig... thanks for the raspberry cookies/shortbread!:) ~ I think they are Swedish, since they came from Ikea? Lurve them. Melts in the mouth.

To those who have been so super-duper encouraging - you know who you are - thanks! Too exhausted to be personal today. But I appreciate your love, concern and prayers. I've got amazing friends and family indeed.

To Ben, thanks for your loving e-card.

It is comforting to remember that what I'm going through today, Jesus had already walked through it far ahead. Garden of Gethsamane. The sorrow in His heart to the point of death. What is my grief compared to His, who came to bear the sins of the world upon a cross? To even taste a little of the suffering He went through - fills me with horror and consternation. And yet, God in His great love, grace and justice sent His Son - to take us beyond the veil and chasm of eternal separation from Him which our sins have cost us. To take upon Himself the sentence of death we were doomed for. We didn't deserve it. But He came.

This is a stanza of a beautiful hymn Han sent me yesterday (he didn't even know why he texted me also):

"Upon that cross of Jesus,
mine eyes at times can see
The very form of One,
Who suffered there for me;
and from my smitten heart with tears,
two wonders I confess:
The wonders of His glorious love,
and my own worthlessness."

Depression

It's weird.

I've been struggling with attacks of depression for the past week or so. It's not just being emo, I think. Alot of feeling helpless, worthless, hopeless, resentment sometimes, and such... sleep disturbances and unwillingness to both go to sleep/wake up, feeling fatigued and physically drained the next day, etc, etc. Sometimes, I cry myself to sleep. It's not just the weep-a-little-weep kind of thing. Tears come in torrents, and there is terrible ache deep down inside. Feel so abandoned somehow. Even while I write this, I'm tearing, and I don't understand why. I just don't understand it. Just makes me feel like I wanna run away. It really sucks.

SUCKS. (Sorry people:P)

My car's backside kena banged from behind today somemore. On my way home from work. By a four-wheel-drive. Thank God no big injury! When my car jolted, I nearly had a heart-attack! I thought that my backlight would have probably shattered - but it didn't. Just a small little dent above the left back-light. The person who banged my car quickly tukar-ed lane, and sped off. I did get down his car number plate though. Wondering if I should make a police report - but I shudder at the mar-fan-ness of doing that. So perhaps I'll just leave it. For now.

It's funny though how comfort came today. First Laura jie gave me a surprise long-distance call from Singapore. Then, while I was at choir practice, Han and tailo both texted me this 2 super random texts out of nowhere - I mean it was pretty unexpected, coz they hardly text me nowadays being extremely busy doctors in their respective State general hospitals...I teared reading their texts. Then, Zoey texted me in the night - and her text made me tear all over again.

I miss you guys so much. :'( Can I just turn back time?


Please pray for me, people. I need to overcome this.

Wednesday

A very busy day.

Sermon CDs - burning, ejecting from the CD burner, labelling and packing into envelopes, printing bulletins for Holy Week and folding them, shopping for church supplies (I packed 120 rolls of Tesco's toilet paper into my car along with the floor-cleaner, and beverage stock for Alpha weekend), replying emails, etc.

Tomorrow's already Maundy Thursday!

Bumped into 2 of my juniors from college at Tesco's at lunch-time... Poor final year students. They look so stressed and tired. Think they look like they had lost alot of weight coping with the pressure too - I mean their finals are already in June! Was glad to be able to dish out some advice when asked - book recommendations, what to study, how to study etc - so that I didn't feel like my stressful moments in med school had been wasted:P It was only by God's grace I could have made it through. And the honorable friends He brought into my life.

Sometimes, I spot some of the medical textbooks I used back in PMC when I visit the bookshops. And it still does make me reminisce and feel very emo. Just because they were a huge part of my life. Just because I used to color them with high-lighters and conteng the pages with my writing. Just because I remember them lying all over my library table with Kean Yew, Edmond, Yeh Han and Hari sitting either opposite me or nearby, high-lighting their own notes. And somehow, that season had to come to an end.

My PMC days are over. And I'm saying hello to MBTS.

Putting behind the shame-filled past

I was sharing with a dear someone yesterday about something that really touched me, from God's Word - and he thought it meaningful. So I decided to share it on my blog today.

A few nights ago, I was having difficulties sleeping, having somebody on my mind... so I prayed for that person and God brought to my mind a passage in Genesis, which depicted the Lord's destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah. In Gen 19:15 onwards, it is written:

"When the morning dawned, the angels urged Lot, saying, "Arise, take your wife and your two daughters who are here, lest you be consumed in the punishment of the city." But he lingered; so the men (the angels) seized him and his wife and his two daughters by the hand, the Lord being merciful to him, and they brought him forth and set him outside the city. And when they had brought them forth, they said, "Flee for your life; do not look back or stop anywhere in the valley; flee to the hills, lest you be consumed...."

Then verse 26-28: "But Lot's wife behind him looked back, and she became a pillar of salt. And Abraham went early in the morning to the place where he had stood before the Lord; and he looked down towards Sodom and Gomor'rah and toward all the land of the valley, and behed, and lo, the smoke of the land went up like the smoke of a furnace."

Lot was weak. And that's why he chose to dwell amongst the corruption of the land, that he could enjoy the earthly riches the valley of Jordan held. But God, in His great mercy and grace, decided to spare Lot and his family from the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah, to give them a new beginning.

But...as we all know...

First, Lot was slow to obey - in verse 16, '...he lingered'. God was merciful. He had the angels grab them by the hand to set them outside the city. That speaks of how urgent God's call was.

Secondly, Lot being a coward, doubted God's instructions. See verse 18 onwards, where Lot said, "Oh, no my lords; behold, your servant has found favour in your sight, and you have shown me great kindness in saving my life; but I cannot flee to the hills, lest the disaster overtake me, and I die. Behold, yonder city is near enough to flee to..." But God was merciful to him again - He said to Lot in vs 21-22, "Behold, I grant you this favor also, that I will not overthrow the city of which you have spoken. Make haste, escape there; for I can do nothing till' you arrive there."

Thirdly, Lot was an unsuccessful leader. Vs 26 : "Lot's wife behind him looked back, and she became a pillar of salt." What was his wife doing behind him at times like those? This shows that he did not have any spiritual authority as a husband over his wife and children, and did not communicate well enough to his wife what the Lord had warned him in vs 17...(The Lord did not speak that to the whole family, but just Lot.) "Flee for your life; do not look back or stop...lest you be consumed..." Later in the story, this was evidenced by his two daughters doing disrespectful acts to their father - they made him drunk and had sex with him.

What a lot of sad, unfortunate things that happened - which didn't have to happen.

When I was reminded of this story, I thought: what an awesome, merciful and gracious God we live for! Imagine if He had left Lot to perish, for a want of his weakness and greed... or if He had allowed Lot to live out the full consequences of his foolish decisions. But He didn't. He brought them out of S & G that they would have a new chance to live a new, purposeful life. He said, "Flee, do not look back or stop..." and that makes perfect sense in two different aspects, both physical and spiritual. Firstly, common sense tells us that if we do that, it would really slow us down alot - and it would have been terrible indeed to fall into the wrath of God on that particular day. "...Lest you be consumed..." Secondly, in a spiritual sense, God wanted Lot to look forward to living a new life of purpose in Him, and not look back and be consumed by both the desire to return to the place of earthly riches and be destroyed along with the rest of the inhabitants in that land, or any regret of his foolish mistakes.

Likewise, I feel the same about what some of us are going through. Even myself. Of course what some went through in the past was so much more painful than what others can imagine - but what is in the past stays in the past. The foolish acts we've engaged in - we've apologized to whoever's concerned, and we've repented... God has mercifully forgiven us, set us free from the mistake we made and spoken into our hearts what He said to the adulterous woman in John 8 - "Has no one condemned you... Neither do I condemn you; go and do not sin again."Go. Jesus did not even say, "Remember!"

How beautiful is the call of God to a renewed life. Let us not be like Lot - lingering, reminiscing and regretting (probably he felt that it was such a waste too that he had to leave behind so much) even when God has said don't look back. As a result he was so trapped in his destiny. In the end Lot lost so much. I'm also referring to his spiritual destiny.

Let not the shadows of your past directly or more often-so indirectly hinder what God is doing in your life. The devil often reminds us of our defeats - but in Christ, we are now victorious! There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ! You today aren't the same as the you last time, and therefore you cannot go on living as if your identity is still of the old, holding on to the wounds, memories, unforgiveness and regrets, and just counting on 'time to heal everything'. You've got to forgive yourself, release whatever unforgiveness you still have to the Lord, count the wounds as healed (God will see to them Himself), learn what you can from the mistake, and move on, coz you have got a call to fulfil for the new season ahead. And just as how God changed Hoshea's name to Joshua when he was going no longer going to be just a warrior under the leadership of Moses but the incoming leader to take the nation of Israel into its destiny, God has given you a renewed identity to bring you out of your captivity and establish you in new places.

I will always remember what Pst. J said in our Experiencing God class - "God is a God of many second chances."

How unfailing is His love...

I really hope that we would learn to draw strength from God to be a David. In 2 Samuel, King David sinned against God he committed adultery with Bathsheba and murdered a man (Bathsheba's husband) so that she could be his wife - and as a result, he had to bear with the consequences - the first son that Bathsheba bore for David died and come on - he murdered his own friend! How would you feel about that for months (and perhaps years) after that?!? But what a contrast David's attitude was, to that of Lot!

I mean, he wasn't inhumane. There was a time for everything. He did grief. He had repented before God in much mourning and he tried to reason with God (in fasting and weeping) for a whole period, maybe a year ...BUT after the child had died like God said he would (see verse 20 onwards) and there was no way of reversing that, David made the effort to do something: He arose, washed and anointed himself, changed his clothes; went into the house of the Lord and worshipped Him... after that he went to his own house and ate (much to the surprise of his servants - David told them - enough is enough!). Then David comforted Bathsheba (now his wife), and the Lord's favour was upon them again that they bore another child - Solomon. And the Lord loved him.

Amazing spiritual implications of the physical...

1. Arose --> getting out of the 'pit'... getting up from the dust

2. Washed and anointed himself --> Cleansed himself from the remnants of yesterday, taking upon himself the freshness and renewal

3. Changed his clothes --> Putting on a 'new covering', a renewed identity, by God's grace

4. Worshipped the Lord --> acknowledging God's sovereignity as well as great mercy and grace

5. Went home and ate --> Food in the bible in the OT always had to do with regaining physical, emotional and spiritual strength. Remember Elijah? In a spiritual sense, to eat of God's promises and regain faith/strength. God's pardon. God's edification that addresses us as His sons and daughters.

6. Comforted Bathsheba.

To cut it short, David did not look back. He didn't blame Bathsheba. He didn't blame himself. What was in the past is stayed in the past. But he made love to her as a wife -and they bore Solomon. (Imagine if there had been no Solomon, just because David couldn't forget...) And God blessed the descendants of Solomon - the lineage of grace which in His time brought forth Christ. If God doesn't remember our sins anymore, why should we?

Are we doubting in the power of His blood to cleanse us from all unrighteousness when we confess and repent?

Indeed He makes all things new.