Weight issues

My dear fellow blogger/friend, Sophia, wrote an awesome article on weight gain in recovery from ED which I thoroughly recommend.

For those who are new to my blog, I am a recovered eating disorders sufferer (why does that sound like a mouthful?) who used to struggled with anorexia nervosa, bulimia and compulsive eating throughout my teenage years and early twenties.

While I look normal, think normal (most of the time) and behave normal now, I admit that I still need to actively guard myself from a weakness... i.e. the tendency to feel anxious about my weight. I don't dislike myself. In fact, I like the way I look and I think myself beautiful. I also love eating healthily as well as indulging in my occasional treats, fast food and junk food. I eat Mcd's once a week. I pride myself on my faithfulness to exercise moderately 3-4 times a week (coz it was difficult to start, haha!) And honestly, I don't think anyone would care if I put on a few pounds. Those who love me would still love me. My fiance would still think I am hot (oh yeah!) - he doesn't like me skinny btw. I know it is not worth it to obsess over my weight. I have got so much in life to look forward to.

But....

... I still feel anxious about my weight once in a while. And I don't even know why I should feel that way. What is it exactly that I fear?

I think it's losing control that I fear. And perhaps I have unconsciously made my weight the indicator of how "in control" I am of my own life when it should have been fully surrendered to God. So it's actually not about the weight now, is it?

What contaminates?

This morning, I read this verse: "Therefore, since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God." (2 Cor 7:1)

How come this verse never seemed as real to me as it seems today?

When I was struggling with eating disorders, why did this verse not make any sense to me? Yeah, I know what contaminates the spirit... but why didn't I see that keeping the body uncontaminated is a vital action of perfecting holiness... out of reverence for God? I believe this doesn't just mean sexual chastity - but it also has got lots to do with how we treat and steward the bodies God has given us as mortal dwellings while we are on this earth and yet away from Him. (2 Cor 5:6) Also what we do while being clothed in these mortal dwellings.

I know I've repented from using laxatives/purgatives before this. My bulimia/anorexia days are long gone. I don't restrict or binge or purge like I used to. However, just like any recovered ED sufferer, I still struggle sometimes... with certain infiltrating thoughts. It is certainly not as before, when I kow-towed to these thoughts and religiously met their demands. "You need to throw-up," they would beg, "...or you will gain another pound tonight." Nevertheless, I am often tempted to compromise. Subtle stuff like, "You ate so much yesterday evening... you can skip breakfast. It is only one meal. It won't matter much." I know that it will not be long before I start skipping two meals and so on... if I compromise the first time. And perhaps, the definition of 'I ate so much' will too change with regards to its qualification.

I am not saying that everyone struggles with the same thing. Former ED-sufferers struggle with different weak points. The Enemy knows too well what is required to trigger a recovered person and lead to relapse, so that she is sucked back into the vicious cycle that used to keep her away from God and from walking victoriously in the calling upon her life. Satan knows that it is probably twice as hard for one to get back on track every time she relapses. However, I always remember the Apostle Paul saying, "Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed that he does not fall." (1 Corinthians 10:12) It is wise to be aware of our weaknesses and thoroughly (and prayerfully) combat triggers that may cause us to fall.

This verse is definitely a good reminder for me to meditate on. What keeps me away from God? What keeps me from walking in a manner worthy of my calling and destiny in Christ? What grieves God's Spirit in me? Our bodies cannot be contaminated without contaminating our soul and spirit as well. All are intertwined as long as we are living human beings on earth... on this side of eternity.

Mid-week and a reflection on the cross...

Two more days before Ben's family and I journey toward KL - and meet up with dad....

*jeng, jeng, jeng* :P (sorry couldn't help putting in the sound-effects - it was too hard to resist... Hehe!)

MLM training tonight at church. Spiritual formation and Community duty tomorrow @ MBTS. Meet up with the florist on Friday. Above all, I'm gonna try to turn in my week's assignments before Friday is up.

It's a busy week all right. I will get busier still as the term goes on... toward my wedding. But I feel more alive now than I did last year... even with all the bending, stretching, chipping off of unwanted bits and pieces, chiseling... Perhaps what they say is true ~ taking up the cross sounds harsh and unpleasant... and subjecting ourselves to the Potter's hands which mould us, imperfect vessels of clay, sounds intrusive indeed. However when we surrender to these, we are set free from the disturbing dissonances within us that come from wrestling with the gentle yet persuasive promptings of the Holy Spirit... as He bids us to leave behind our old selves more and more (whatever is necessary - be it giving up old sins, taking up new challenges, releasing control of our lives unto God, choosing His way, etc). Yes, we are set free. This is the power every child of God is entitled to receive when he or she yields to His Spirit. We dare not at times... but when we glimpse the immense beauty of the transformed life, we timidly wish for such transformation - except that it may not be quite as painful.

At one junction of my life, I was there with my Eating Disorders, wondering if I would ever proceed... if there was such a thing as freedom from EDs... if there is truly healing in taking up the cross...

picture source

Now that I have discovered the resounding "YES" to the above questions, I am at another junction of my life with some other struggles that have yet to be worked on. I will not lie and say that I am great at taking up the cross. Sometimes, the hardness of its 'wooden frames' bruises my shoulders and the cross feels too heavy for words... so I (being your typical hedonist in nature) yield to the temptations to set it down for a bit. I always cringe at the slightest pain and open my mouth to pour out copious complaints! (And I am wondering how I'll behave during childbirth...May God give lots and lots of GRACE!) But dear friends, thank you for inspiring and encouraging me (in different ways) to deny myself and take up the cross again. Yes, please kindly continue to motivate me. I will need and appreciate it.

Christ... first took up the cross. While we share in His sufferings today, He will make us more than overcomers.

So don't lose heart.

Burger King with Ben

The pictures say it all. I love dates.

Ben made a remarkable statement yesterday: "I enjoy eating with you, dear... Coz you look so happy when you eat..."

Hehe.... Praise God... for so much healing in my EDs that I no longer make meal-times miserable for others like I used to. Also ~ that I can be adventurous with my food nowadays.

Fitness Friday...

Had a nice birthday celebration for Ben's dad last night - at Song River, along Gurney Drive. We ate loads! The sambal sting-ray was the best... me love! :) *Slurp* After dinner, Ben and I went on a spontaneous movie-date... We watched 'Takers' at Prangin Mall with popcorn.

Today, I went gym-ing and swimming at RH's. It was awesome. I didn't do too heavy stuff - just perhaps 25 minutes plus on the elliptical trainer (which was a major achievement for me! Usually I get so sien that I get off before 20 minutes are up! Hee hee...), some stretching, lat pulls and toning with light-weights... After about 40-45 minutes in the gym, I went for a dip in the pool... swam about 30 laps... and then retired with happy sighs. Rewarded myself with a yummy-licious, generous serving of chicken pie for lunch (I did consider Mcdonald's...but I thought I'd have it sometime this weekend instead)...

Confession: I love pastries...

Yeah, in case you were wondering - what's up with my sudden fitness fanaticism - since my school hols began this week, I have been trying to increase my stamina for mission trip among other stuff... Swimming on alternate days (45 mins to an hour per session) - and today, I added a session at the gym.

I was reminded of something: I will probably never go back to fad diets after this... For me, keeping trim is not a matter of cutting out foods and keeping to a 'safe list' like some weight-loss specialists recommend (FYI: Safe foods are great - definitely eat more vegies and fruits by all means, but if I have nothing but safe foods or health-foods, I'd probably go on some 'unsafe' food rampage after at most, 2 weeks of such efforts! Eating safe-foods will probably never become a lifestyle...) - but having everything in moderation and exercising regularly. (I said, regularly - not excessively! 3-4 times a week, 30-45 minutes per session should be great) It is not about missing out on birthday parties and social events just so that you are able to skimp on the calories... It is not about consuming so little calories per day that you drag through the day feeling fatigued and mentally exhausted from malnutrition... It is not about having just oats for dinner at night (unless you are a donkey/horse/rabbit!) And it is certainly not about trying to burn off every calorie you've consumed by the end of the day.

Everything in moderation. Watch your portions but don't over-do it. Be healthy.

I know, I know... I sound like a goodie-goodie two shoes... *cringe* But I've gone through every kind of diet and I've had my days obsessing over the calories - but still, the conventional way works best, long-term. My body tells me when I've consumed enough calories for the day, I don't count 'em anymore. Sometimes, I am aware that I've gone over my limits - but I don't fuss over it like I used to do... I'd just be a little wiser the next time. Yes, and I never go to sleep worrying about food nowadays! :)

Going out for mamak midnight suppers once in a while is still OK. Just don't do it everyday.

Eating potato chips at midnight while watching a movie once in a while is still OK. Just don't do it everyday.

Having a spontaneous ice-cream cone from Mcd's (after CG/ MLM at church) once in a while is still OK. Just don't do it every night.

Get moving. It keeps your metabolism up and gives you endorphins.

Eat substantial, nutritious meals... so that you don't feel hungry in between meals - and start snacking on anything you can get your hands on. I try to eat between 3-5 meals a day (including my afternoon tea)...

10 more days to mission trip.

Starving yourself is not right...

...and so is listening to the advice of people who tell you that the key to losing weight is starving yourself... or going on crazy low-calorie diets...

They think they know what they are talking about... or what they so confidently claim. But they did not see me when I rebounded from anorexia to a scary bulimic mode, in which I got stuck compulsively eating and purging for about 7 years. It was brutal.

And I do not intend to go back there.

I feel much stronger now, praise God. Before, I'd have been more easily swayed by such deceptions, well-meaning as they may be. Today, one swam right into my face. I thought I heard the familiar voice of ED... persuading. You could do it before... why not do it again now?

I refuse to be moved.

It disappeared as quickly as it had pealed. Yes, praise God for victory!

Standing firm all the time is not easy... but it gets easier when you firmly decide to make the stand for what is right.

I'm just so thankful that I have a very supportive husband-to-be, who loves food, loves me for my curves, loves ME and encourages me to be healthy. Yeah, healthy - like your eat substantial, balanced meals and exercise kind of weight maintenance. He is indeed a God-send.

Being watchful

I am in need of a spiritual retreat. Like for real. Some good books, lots of undistracted time with the Lord and solitude. Preferably not in Penang.Burnt out and sien. It happens. Perfectionists like me are a little more vulnerable to its effects. People who have had a history of EDs too. Here I am not saying that I am still not over with my EDs. But, just like a former alcoholic who has long ago put away his bottles, it is always wise to watch out for possible triggers and watch yourself carefully - so that you don't give yourself any chance of falling! I am aware and sure that given the 'right' conditions, it is possible for me to swing back into a wrong kind of relationship with food... just for that perceived sense of control over my own life.
Gotta learn to chill the right way.

Keeping myself at home after school... just in case I make some impulsive buys or binge on unhealthy food... :P ~ In such a mood, anything is possible. Prevention is better than cure!
So let's make it apartment-cleaning day today.

Glad that Ben will take me out for dinner tonight... I'd be happy, even if it's hawker food.

Tuesday

Assignments again.

(Why are the weekends so short? I barely caught up with my sleep debt...)

I am in dire need of good coffee - instead of the usual Tesco Value 3-in-1.

Currently in the last section of my Eating Disorders paper (child, church and mission)... While it has been a good paper to write (I enjoyed the research, despite the sleep deprivation), I definitely hope to FINISH it up by tomorrow...and get on with my 'Children and Spirituality' and Church History assignments. On top of many other assignments...

Anyway...

Joy! Thank God and thanks Lydia for a love-gift today. It is through blessings like these God reminds me of His will ~ that I continue to faithfully run the race till I reach the finishing line.

Other updates: Wedding prep is still on-going. Ben and I are prayerfully 'researching' on bridal shops - for the rental of a wedding dress, bridal photos and some other wedding-day needs - so that we get the best value for our money, while being good stewards of God's provisions. Also, we met up with our church's wedding coordinator, Ruth, on Sunday... for some advice on the logistics.

7 months to go before I become a Mrs. Somebody and I am starting to get the jitters thinking about that day. :P LOL! *chews on fingernail*

My dear's birthday is coming up. This is the time of the year when I start to contemplate what I can do for him. Any ideas?

The perks of today...

1. Waving to a neighbor in the car-park of my flat... coz he graciously reversed his car and made way, so that I could drive my car out of the narrow exit. One thing I like about my block... the Malays, Indians and Chinese are usually nice to one another. There's something sweet and beautiful about unity in diversity. Ultimately, it reflects the nature and pattern of the Triune God...as well as His pattern. For example:

....so God created human beings in His own image, in the image of God He created them; male and female He created them... (Gen 1:27)
....for this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh... (Gen 2:24)
....Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ...Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it... (1 Cor 12:12-27)

The Bible affirms us, "How good and pleasant it is when God's people live together in unity....For there, the LORD bestows His blessing, even life forevermore." (see Ps 133:1-3)

2. Marveling on how entering the W.C heightens one's urgency to pee (of course, one must have had the urge to pee in the first place - to be entering the bathroom!) - unless it's really too dirty, then the body seems to protest and have the opposite reaction... The sights and smells in our environment do play important roles in stimulating our brain to elicit through the most complex pathways, the most genius involuntary or voluntary responses... Furthermore, it is awesome how a simple action like peeing can serve as an indicator of our body fluid and electrolyte balance, hydration status and even our endocrine function....amongst many other bodily functions.

Indeed, we are fearfully and wonderfully made; masterpieces of an eternal, infinite God.

3. Replying all the emails that have been accumulating in my Gmail inbox for the past 2 weeks or so... *Victory* ...while chatting to Lydia.

Anyway...before I return to my scores-of-assignments...let me share a part of the passage I read today:

'But when anyone turns to the LORD, the veil is taken away. Now the LORD is the Spirit and where the Spirit of the LORD is, there is freedom. And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the LORD's glory, are being transformed into His image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the LORD, who is the Spirit.' (2 Cor 2:16-18)

note: the veil = the veil that prevented the people from seeing God's glory in the Old Covenant

For very long, even after I became a Christian, I did not understand what it meant to be 'unveiled' and its implications.

For example, I remained in my eating disorders even though I was one with an 'unveiled face'...because rather than contemplating on God's glory, I obsessed over my imperfections...over and over again...and saw no hope. Because I felt that I needed to do something about my imperfections, I engaged in the vicious cycles of binge and purge, or restricted my food consumption. It was only when I learned to delight in who God is, His magnificence, His goodness, His beauty, His works, His redemption and most of all, His love, I found myself compelled to deny myself and follow Him...

...This was also when I realized that I wanted to stop hurting myself, stop trying to be somebody the world covets, to love my body and take care of myself well, that I can serve Him. That His purposes for my life would be fulfilled. That I would be able to present to my husband and children the gift and benefits of my health. That I would be able to live long enough to see all my passions, talents and gifts produce fruits that would please my Creator.Indeed, Ps 37:4 is correct when it claims, "Take delight in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart..."

I am being released day by day into life in abundance. It's still a long journey ahead.Where the Spirit of the LORD is, there is freedom. May this truth keep propelling me forward. Maranatha. This I pray, for those who are still looking for the light at the end of the tunnel.

Weekend photos...

Went to Singapore to attend a seminar organized by Grace Baptist Church's women ministry on Saturday. God really provided all I needed for this trip... exceedingly and abundantly more than I could ask or imagine... I flew to Singapore from Penang on Friday...and back to Penang yesterday.

The venue of the conference - Holiday Inn Atrium on Outram Road.

Me - do I look the picture of contentment or what? :P (The eyebags and dark eye-rings are from last week's sleep deprivation)

The theme of the seminar - 'The Beauty of True Contentment' - a very timely seminar to attend... I could feel God do an 'open surgery' on my heart.

Waiting for the seminar to start...

During one of the 'break-out' sessions... Me reflecting on my discontentments in life... :/

The ladies in my room, during Bible study...

The MC of the seminar... I really liked her. Unfortunately, I don't have good pictures of the speaker of our seminar.

Met up with Natalie for dinner at 'The Soup Spoon' at VivoCity Mall... :) One of the highlights of my trip.

Went to church (T.O.C) on Sunday morning...

Before service started... We went early, coz Ji had a worship practice in the morning...and I didn't want to get um... left behind... coz I am not familiar with MacPherson's area...

Here is my beautiful Laura jie... with hubby, Ewan korkor... and their baby girl, Hannah Grace...who is a few weeks old. The last time I came to Singapore in June, jie was doing night-cycling with us...and Hannah Grace, snuggly-wuggly in jie's belly!!!

The beautiful little princess... *heart melts* Hannah, Aunty Grace loves you very, very, very much!!! :) May you grow up to be a godly woman like your mummy... and have the wisdom of your daddy...

Sunday

Went out for dinner with the Wongs and Xu Wen... at Gurney Drive. We had the yummiest char kuey teow ever from Ben's uncle's stall...grilled sting-ray ala Penang... Cuttle-fish + kangkung rojak... and laksa. My "souvenir" from that place - is this box of muar chee James tar-pau-ed for me. I am stowing it in my fridge for now... till I need my nuts fix.

In many ways, I enjoy the freedom of being able to 'keep food' nowadays. Back when I struggled with bulimia (in continuum with anorexia nervosa), I couldn't buy too many snacks to store at home - because I know I'd binge and finish them within 1-2 days...and then feel uber guilty... purge ... restrict the next few days - till I could bear it no longer... I'd inevitably binge again and the vicious cycle would repeat.

The binges was uncontrollable and ridiculous (and in many ways, I thought... frightening). I'd binge even if I was bursting at my seams or after a full meal! My urges to binge went to the extent of driving me out in the middle of classes - I'd make excuses to get out of class (somewhere towards the end of A-levels - i.e. A2.) just so that I could run to the canteen, buy food and EAT (I felt like a drug addict - with food as my drug). If I did not, I'd start trembling, sweating and grow fidgetty. From buns to chocolates to junk-food to sandwiches to even another full-meal after lunch, etc... whatever you offered me, I'd take it. And then later, if I did not 'get rid' of the stuff I had consumed, I'd start trembling too - and breaking out into a cold sweat. I had a psychiatrist back then, Dr. Rose, who told me to keep a food diary... but it never worked, because I'd binge and then lie in my diary. :P *wide-eyed (not) innocent look* Those were really dark times. Many times, I thought I'd die (literally). Sometimes, I thought about killing myself. And yes... to dull the inner pain, I used to slash myself with scissors/knives - or dig my nails into my skin when I was frustrated.. all because I thought that the blood would make me feel better. Alternatively, I'd hurl myself at the wall, just so that the inner pain could be externalized or embodied in the physical. But of course these were just my own 'remedies' - nothing really worked. But God...

Anyway, thank God for healing me. I don't really know how my bulimia started and ended... I only know that I was pulling out of Anorexia N. by the end of 2002. I am aware of certain triggers that (still) encourage some abnormal behaviors... or the cumulative risk factors from my childhood. But at its heart, (while I craved acceptance from others) I could never truly accept myself. It was through a long and sometimes painful process, God brought me (through my dear friends, family and His Word in the Bible) to look at myself differently... and to love His image in me. To see myself as a child of God. That He loves me NOT because I am worthy... but I am of great worth because He loves me.

Now, I am able keep loads of stuff in my fridge... savor a little when it's my designated snack-times (without going overboard), enjoy the freedom of eating the food without counting calories or being too guilty... then re-seal the packet and put it back into the fridge for later consumption... Praise God indeed.

Btw... this wasn't meant to be a testimony. LOL. But I think it just turned out to be one.

James and Xu Wen are so nice... they decided that they would spare a day this upcoming week to bring my Irish girl-friend around Penang. What a blessing!

Thurs: lunch

Had lunch at Cedele, in Vivocity (the largest shopping mall in Singapore) with two fellow bloggers... Beautiful girls - Sophia and Valerie. (You can click on their names to access their blogs.) One Korean, one Singaporean. One thing we had in common - we used to have eating disorders, but somehow by the grace of God, healing took place in our lives - that we can testify of His lovingkindness today. I felt that it was a sweet experience indeed.

Wednesday

Ok... so something went wrong with my blog layout, after I bombed my blog with photos yesterday. Hehe.

Hopefully it will return to normal soon.

I'm just done with a very nice lunch with Xu Wen. It's time to return to working on my youth-talk. Hope to quickly finish it by today, so I can at least begin on one assignment. I know for sure, I have to finish Mr WKC's paper by this week.

Went for my first swim today in ages. *Phew* Ben texted me while I was having lunch to ask me jokingly if I felt any thinner after the swimming :P (I've been whining a little after our weekend away that I've put on quite some weight from eating all that stuff) - Honestly? Well, I did feel 2mm 'smaller' after my swim... but after lunch? :P I don't feel like my swim made any difference... Although, logically... it must have! :D

It's all in the mind.

Gone are the days when I was into fad diets, weight-loss gimmicks, self-starvation and stuff. I've learnt the sad and painful way that none can compare with a balanced diet and regular exercise. And gosh, I realized... if I don't discriminate anyone for their weight, I should not expect others to discriminate me for my weight too. And I shouldn't condemn myself too, if I should gain any weight. Coz my weight doesn't define me. Even when I was 10kg heavier back in my bulimia days, my friends and family still loved me to bits. I was still special to them... because I was and am still ME. Beauty is not skin-deep. Rather, it shines out from the deepest parts of our being.

In the last 2 weeks of weight-gain, (I say this, because all I have been doing is eating, eating, sleeping, pigging-out, eating steroids for my illness and not exercising... My face is starting to grow round...and my clothes, tighter) I have tried to look at my slightly bigger self in the mirror without self-condemnation - and it was so much easier than before.

Rounder face? Ah, pretty. A little more 'flesh' on the arms, legs and tummy? Ah, adorable. A fuller, voluptuous figure? Um... sexy.

My last word? Enjoy it while it lasts.


ED, I've moved on.

That space to change...

Left to right: Albert, Moses, Chris

Picture was taken during one of our breaks in between pastoral counseling classes. The guys in my class were give one another shoulder massages (awww....), performing spine-cracking stunts (literally)... and attempting to bear one another up by the elbows. A little hard to describe or explain, so I will leave it here. The girls just watched them in amazement and amusement (haha), although we were umm.... kinda apprehensive, coz the spine-cracking and elbow-lift stunts looked scaryyy....and rough.

Guys will be always guys.

I love my brothers... :)

Anyway...today's spiritual formation class under Dr. Sunny left me contemplating on how our Christian salvation transforms us.

How does it work? To quote Dr. Sunny, "We are converted when we work out our salvation in the space God has provided for us to grow and transform."

In other words, salvation in Christ is not merely a guaranteed spot in heaven, but the means of experiencing God's grace and power here on earth - in every area of our lives - so that we can truly change and live our lives to the fullest measure. And God knows that we do not transform overnight. We seldom give up sins, old emotional habits and old ways of living overnight. For this very reason, God, who knows that we are but dust, provides space for that process to happen in every area of our lives - just like how a caterpillar grows and transforms into a butterfly by being squished up into a cocoon, of which it must vigorously work to break free... Similarly as we abide in Him and in that 'space' get to know Him, experience His acceptance and love through trials and suffering, worship Him and grow in our intimacy with Him, we slowly tear ourselves away from the things that bind us - and by the power of God alone, these have to lose their grip on us - until we can choose NOT to be entangled with them anymore.

Conversion is not a moment, but a journey.

I thought of my battle with eating disorders. 10 years or more of struggling with a low self-image, self-condemnation and disordered eating patterns was a long time. When I became a Christian, I did not automatically break free from the bondages of EDs. For many more years, I still struggled to accept the fact that God loved me despite my sins, bondages, chains and shackles. But God did not meet me with condemnation, even whilst I still often lived a sucky life. Most of the time, I knew what was right and what was wrong...even though my life was often inconsistent with my values. But hey, God did not shut His ears to my prayers just because I wasn't a perfect Christian. He still comforted me when I cried out. He still provided my needs, gave me the most wonderful friends anyone could have and affirmed me through my brothers and sisters in Christ. He still drew me close into a beautiful friendship and relationship with Him - through which I experienced much grace.

That was where the miracle happened. I got busy loving Him, learning 'bout Him, building on my new friendships, serving Him, growing, etc. Gradually, disordered eating lost their grip on me. As I continued moving away - striving to eat balanced meals, stop counting calories, exercise regularly and to see myself as fearfully and wonderfully made - God continued working concomitantly in my life to strip away my old self and break the chains that had held me for so long.

I don't know when exactly I broke out of EDs... (it must have been somewhere in year 2008)... but one day, I realized that I wasn't binging or purging anymore. I wasn't counting calories or fat grams. I wasn't over-exercising. I wasn't hating myself anymore. Etc. Of course I still had my down days... but I mean gosh... can you imagine the joy of having been set free? I could choose not to binge or purge. I could choose to eat right and hold the right mindsets.

This is of course just one area in my life. I am still working on my many weaknesses by God's grace - and I know, He will complete every work He has begun in me in His perfect timing.

Having said that, friends, let us not place unrealistic expectations on our brothers and sisters in Christ with regards to their weaknesses. If God has given everyone the space to transform (including ourselves), should we play God and therefore impose our own standards on others just because we cannot tolerate their flaws?

Wednesday

Back from church after MLM and supper with Ben and Aunty Malar.

Didn't get to nap today - I guess I was too full after lunch (was emo, so I stuffed myself silly with food :P This is PMS for sure!) - usually, I'd feel very sleepy after I've finished afternoon prayers. So I'd take a short nap before I continue with my work (when I say 'short' it means 1 hour :P)... but today, I didn't even feel like sleeping after prayers. I had quite a productive day today preparing my stuff for this weekend's sharing though. Praise God! There were many things stuck in my brain for days - I was in denial for a week. Then whenever I tried to write, I'd feel extremely sad and emo somehow. I could only manage to get them out today, by God's grace. Breakthrough! Thanks for praying, dear friend(s).

It was actually not as easy recovering the repressed memories of my eating disorders as I thought it would be. Looking back, it all seemed very dark and yet the details are slowly blurring and fading away with time. However, when I start recalling the details, it makes my skin creep to realize how close I was to death, how great the lies + deceptions I chose to believe... and how ED sucked every bit of life out of me, until I barely knew myself. In those days when I used to purge after binges, thoughts like these always ran through my head:

"Will I ever get out of here? Alive?"
"Will I never get well? Will things grow worse?"
"Will this haunt me forever? The tendency to think and act in this way...?"

I feel like one of those people written about in Psalm 107:17-22 when God delivered me through it and I finally recovered! My 'relationship' with food has come a long way indeed. Weight still fluctuates with stress... but gosh, I enjoy eating now like never before! :D

I have always wondered about this: If I, having known and depended on God, already found it so extremely difficult to recover and free myself from the clutches of ED...what about the thousands of girls out there, who do not know Him - or those who have to suffer in silence and loneliness, in fear of being ridiculed? How many girls out there are wasting away because of EDs?

Tomorrow's Church History class is gonna be super-intensive, I tell you. 8am to 4pm! @_@ urrks... And guess what? Right after that, I am teaching piano... :D

Monday randoms...

Still putting together my Self-image and Eating Disorders presentation for the youths this weekend. It's just too wide a topic that I am not sure how to go about it. I'm not sure if I wanna sound over-preachy or technical. Nor do I want to trigger any secret-ED-sufferers to go deeper into their obsessions/compulsions...

Perhaps, I'll just tell them the story about me - and how God rescued me from self-destruction.

Back to serious work...

Was blessed with a good weekend on the whole.

Saturday: Bible Study in the evening encouraged me to shine for Jesus in everything I do and say. Not because I am forced to adhere to religious laws, but because I've experienced (and am experiencing) God's grace to the fullest measure. Because I've been transformed by His love. Liberated by the truth. Because in Him, I now live. And I'd love to share is with everyone else.

Sunday: Youth Fellowship yesterday was fun. We had really crazy indoor games that were supposed to teach valuable lessons... I'll be giving a talk in the YF on the 28th February - about self-image and eating disorders. Hope it goes well and makes a difference in at least one person's life. I'll have to brew what I'm gonna present very carefully - because this is such a familiar yet difficult topic to work with. Need all the God-given wisdom, strength and anointing I can get! Please keep me in prayer, guys. Dear youths, if you are reading this... and know of friends who are struggling with body image/eating disorders, please invite them to come along too.

Did various odd jobs in church as well. Ben and I went to Tesco's for lunch and a short walk at Courts. It was great to have time to sit down and tête-à-tête... Thank God for the solutions that came out of it too. Totally enjoy being with Ben.

Loads of work in the afternoon... then we went for dinner with his dear parents.

I have an exam this Wednesday... so tra lala... gotta study already (and have to prepare my research presentation for after CNY break's presentation to Dr. Sunny)....even though I am so in a Chinese-New-Year/holiday mood. Bus-ing back to KL this Friday. Can't wait, can't wait, can't can't wait!!!

Monday - a good mix of rest and nerves.

Had my first passion fruit today. I mean, I've eaten passion fruit flavoured candy, slathered on passion fruit body butter, drunk passion fruit juice - and goodness knows, what other derivatives of passion fruit I've come across! However, I've never seen and encountered the whole unprocessed FRUIT itself.

When I was asked, "Do you know what this fruit is called?" by the person who blessed me with it, I did not know how to answer her question. Decided to be adventurous - and try the unknown fruit for myself. Also, I Google-imaged all kinds of tropical fruit names I could think of, haha (feeling very jakun and suaku) - and voila!

So this is THE passion fruit I've always heard about and tasted, but never seen. Having encountered the fruit now put a 'face' to its name.

Well, they have purple-skinned ones too, but I had the yellow-skinned species today. Scooped out the sweet, aromatic, juicy flesh and crunchy seeds with a spoon. (Both flesh and seeds can be eaten and are packed with nutrients.)

I must say that it was a very pleasant experience. What a marvellous creation of God!

I know this is way random... but I passed by an art-supplies store today, and spied paper clay! I'm so, so itching to get my hands on paper clay now. Mess around with it again.

The last time I touched it was a good 14 years ago. My mum made this cool sculpture of a miniature teapot when I was 11, and stuck a piece of magnet to its back, so we could put it up on our refrigerator door! It was as small as a cookie and everytime I saw it, my heart would melt from its cuteness overload.

Ooops, I digressed. Haha. Told you I am random.

Anyway... today --> my blog title says it all. 'Nerves' was because the hardcopy of my World Living Religions assignments mysteriously got lost on their way to Dr. Jeffery Oh (dateline was in August)- and I received an email today telling me that he hadn't received it...and please would I resend it by 15th of December or I would receive an F on the entire course... :P

I wasn't the only one on his list of students whose assignments he hadn't received and he had been so nice to give us some extra time to resend 'em... but I kinda panicked - because part of the assignments involved written interaction/reflection papers on 5 videos we watched in class throughout that week... and I didn't think that I could remember enough of those videos to write some more interaction papers. Didn't know what to do at first. Prayed. Then I emailed my lecturer and asked him to have mercy!:P

Thankfully, he wrote back to me later this evening (or it would have kept me up all night long worrying 'bout the whole issue) and kindly gave me the permission to send him just the book review and essays, without having to re-do the interaction forms...to quote Dr. Jeffrey, "Do send me the soft copies of your interview & the book review ASAP. I'll grade you on these 2 alone. I trust that you have handed in your Interactive forms but somehow it did not reached me. Blessings in Him...." Ah, praise the LORD!

Trust. What a beautiful word.

Then this is totally unrelated to my blog title (sorry for the randomness again - today is just one of those days my thoughts are all over the place) ~ I feel like I am slowly desensitizing to people's remarks about me 'wasting my medical career', etc, etc. Last time, I would feel really upset when I heard remarks like that - because they really stung. Then I would allow myself to be influenced by such remarks. Fear, doubt, confusion and all kinds of negative emotions would creep into my heart. Haha. I've had to train myself to remember how God's spoken and how I got where I am today... as well as to forgive. Yesterday, I overheard someone telling my boyfriend the same thing. AGAIN. I won't lie and say that it didn't hurt at all - but strangely, I felt a new emotion ~ Compassion for the person who said it... somehow.

My life has had many unexpected twists. There are many more of these to come. Even the path everyone expects me to walk after I'm done with seminary may not be what God has planned. I see glimpses of the future every now and then... and it puzzles even ME. People will always be entitled to their own opinions. Remarks are thus inevitable. Some for and some against what I decide to do. If I don't learn NOW to be undistracted and unaffected by my natural tendency to want to please everyone and by my fears of rejection, I will always have to conform.

I learnt from ED's that if we live trying to conform to the world's trends, we will slowly lose ourselves. We will slowly lose sight of God's purposes for our lives. We will eventually despise and condemn the unique 'shape' God has designed us with and the road He leads us on so that we can be the very best we can be.

I was there once. Lost. Striving for perfection and worldly acceptance. And I don't want to be there again.

Update on eating disorders...

My old blog at www.xanga.com/gentlemelody84 was originally set up in year 2004 for the purpose of facilitating my healing from eating disorders. I blogged alot on the emotional and eating struggles of bulimia/anorexia nervosa (as well as other stuff related to my medical studies in Dublin and Penang... and eventually my calling into fulltime ministry) ~ rather than what I had for each meal like some of my dear friends are doing now. It would be even more interesting if I had - but well, I did not - and yet, of course, God glorified Himself no less through my journey and whatever part of it recorded in my blog. It was also through this blog that God graciously brought many (new) friends into my life, reminded me of His faithfulness when I read my old posts, strengthened my passion to write for Him, and unknowingly blessed others... (as I found out much later.)Since I no longer live the way I did when I had eating disorders, especially in the past 2 years, I hardly talk about my struggles with food nowadays. That is because I do not want to associate myself with the illness anymore. I've been healed indeed, by God's grace. However, I still update readers from time to time about my post-ED progress and what God has been doing in my life with respect to that... just to keep myself accountable - especially to those who have been faithfully following my blog and praying for me for years, my dear family and covenant sisters. Also, I hope that by doing so, readers and friends who still struggle with eating disorders would be encouraged to persevere, find hope in God and look forward to a life, post-ED. A beautiful one, that is.

So how am I doing today? :)

Physically...

I am no longer underweight or overweight. My weight does sometimes fluctuate (like that of healthy, normal women), but I have maintained it at a good 53-54kg for a year already. I hardly have gastritis/stomach problems nowadays, because I eat so frequently (LOL) and don't binge uncontrollably on junkfood, purge or abuse laxatives like I used to do. I can't remember the last time I had an acid reflux after a meal and I don't fall sick that often anymore... which is a very good thing, because I cannot afford to keep falling sick any longer, what with the very intensive fulltime M.Div program I am currently undertaking. Whenever I do, it is due to sleep debt... rather than disordered eating patterns.

I usually eat 5-6 meals a day - 3 main meals and snacks in between. This keeps my metabolism going, curbs carb-craving with well-regulated blood glucose levels, and prevents stomach problems. I occasionally allow myself junk food and fast food. (Yaay to Mcd's and all other fast-food, MSG and all!) I exercise 3 times a week - about 30 minutes to 1 hour per session - stretches, light dancing and squats - to help me keep fit. I have yet to improve on my sleeping hours (a little bit difficult, due to work); otherwise, I am doing quite fine.

Secondary to such wonderful progress, I am so much more productive in my studies and work now, have better quality of sleep and am more confident with my body. I can smile at myself in the mirror totally comfortable with the way I look (bulges, imperfections, body shape and all), feel good about dressing-up and look forward to going out with friends...whereas I used to shy away from such gatherings for a period of time, because I did not feel comfortable eating in public.

Mentally...

I am much stronger. I no longer obsess over calories, although I sometimes panic after an eating spree... In such occasions, I'd make an effort to shift my focus to the great time spent with friends/loved ones and what God has done among us, sleep and wake up happy again. I am enjoying my food and enjoying the ability to eat without being attacked by overwhelming guilt and condemnation later. While I may be really emotional (can't help it - it's part of my melancholy nature, and I am FEMALE) and depressed at times, my self-image has improved remarkably over the years... also thanks to the encouragement from friends and loved ones. Staying close to God and knowing Him a little more each day - I continue to grow more secure in His love. It is this love that dispels all fears... and has helped me overcome my fear of food and weight issues. While I respond to Him in worship and adoration, I am slowly but surely discovering how fearfully and wonderfully He's made me - and using the very gifts He's given me to serve Him with joy. It is truly a blessed life - despite its fair share of challenges and difficulties...

To those who always affirm me... especially my dear sister, Zoey, who's been 'walking' with me through thick and thin... thank you, people. To those who have been praying, God has indeed answered many prayers! :) And lastly to those who've always lent me shoulders to cry on - I'll never forget it.

Praise God for everything.

Healed!

Yesterday, I went for a health check-up...

The results were phenomenal.

Note: Due to eating disorders, I've always hated scales, scans, analyses, etc... because of the 'atrocities' they revealed. If some of you remember, my body was totally wrecked a few years ago, because of the restricting, outrageous binges, purging, laxative-abuse, etc. I had stomach conditions, menstrual problems, extremely low immunity to diseases, etc. I couldn't function properly like everyone else. Thanks to all that, I have been feeling terrible about how good a steward of my body I have been...

Not to mention, I was a medical student - so I understood all the consequences pretty well - and felt even more cacat.

Anyway, about yesterday's check-up: PRAISE GOD! Almost everything was perfectly in the normal range. Weight, body fat percentage, BMI, resting metabolism, visceral fat, subcutaneous fat, etc, etc.... Perfect! Health-wise, I'm pretty good now. The tissues in my body are wonderfully healthy too. That felt amazing.

The only 2 things I would have to continue to pay special attention to are my stomach... as in the organ :D - and my pancreas. Oh, and also to build more skeletal muscle in the trunk and legs.

May God continue to heal what is still out of order.