Hey-ho-the-derry-O....

Will be on a blogging hiatus for the next 2 weeks.

Please keep my mission team and I in prayer as we will be working out of Warsaw for the following 2 weeks.

And yes...also, keep me in prayer. I am down with a flu. Thanks so much, peeps!!!:)

Tuesday, 10th day in Warsaw.

Too many thoughts recently... it's hard to blog about all of them - and I'd like to keep most of them private for now. :)

God's making my heart tender for sure. TENDER with a big T. Process of tenderizing = pleasant and unpleasant... and sometimes weird. Nevertheless, always emotional.

We are moving south tomorrow night (a 6-hour train-ride from Warsaw at midnight) - 6 of us from the original group of 10 people attending the lectures in the Warsaw Baptist Theological Seminary past week. I am not sure how it will be - I've caught a bad cold and hope that it won't be a distraction. Sneezing, runny-nose, trumpeting my nose like a baby elephant and all... We will be in the south for a week...then we move to the north of Poland for orphanage ministry... before returning to Warsaw for the final few days of my stay here.

Hate being sick when I am faraway from a more permanent residence... Keep thinking of my own bed... and Ben's mum's yummy home-made chicken porridge. *gulp*

Another Monday is gone...

Ah... peace. Sitting in one of the lecture rooms of WBST... prepared to do some thinking, some work... and just chill before bed.

Ben's phone-call (although he got cut off after 6 golden, glorious minutes) certainly brought a smile to my face and warmth to the heart in today's cold. Yes... the temperature flipped 15 degrees down the scale... in just one night. It is nice and cold today... although it was chilly in the morning.

Missions work start this Thursday in the south of Poland... so I need to spend more time with God these few days...

OK, back to work and worship preparation for tomorrow.

Some pictures of my weekend...

Friday... Friday... Friday....

Phew... our late-night meeting... was still on-going when the picture was taken... (part of our whole team in the pic above)... Right after it ended, I bolted upstairs to release some...um, steam... Haha.

We are now sitting in the dining room, at our usual internet corner... eating Ruth's Cashew biscuits, chocolate and drinking tea... and as for me, I am also trying to blog.

A meaningful day on the whole. I feel like God has been speaking to me. I just need some thinking time to straighten out some kinks in my thoughts. Went jogging in the evening just for some exercise... We jogged out to the grocery shop. I bought fruits. Tomorrow's a rest day. 6 of us will go around Warsaw visiting some tourist attractions... :) *Excited*

Thursday

Guess what? Tomorrow's Friday!

Duh... :P

Yet another night's sleep closer to this:

Hehe... Reunion. But before that, he said that I have to do God's work first.

It was a very hot day in Warsaw today. I felt like I was back in Malaysia already. Now, I am hoping for some rain tonight. Besides all that, I am really glad to be in Poland. Michael, the organizer, shared with us a testimony of the many difficulties he had faced putting the whole program together... and how he had intended to postpone the missions camp to next year - but somehow God made everything finally fall into place! Amazing. I am thankful myself, that it wasn't postponed. It has been indeed a very enriching experience coming here - learning from one another as well as from our lecturers, encountering a different country and culture, moving out of my comfort zones and serving God with brothers and sisters in Christ whom I've never met before (but will meet up in Heaven for sure... even if not now, then in the future). I can only look forward to more.

Today, I re-read the story of Moses and the Burning Bush in Exodus 3:1-9, preceding God's call to Moses to bring the sons of Israel out of Egypt. What struck me was not the burning bush (I mean I've read this story quite a few times already) but verses 3-4.

'So Moses said, "I must turn aside now, and see this marvelous sight, why the bush is not burned up." When the LORD saw that he turned aside to look, God called to him from the midst of the bush...'

I don't know about you - but those 2 verses brought me much comfort. How God had the attention of Moses, even though the burning-bush probably had nothing to do with the calling. Why use a bush? We are not sure why... but the burning and yet unconsumed bush certainly caught Moses off-guard. It was out of the ordinary. And when God was sure that Moses was looking, He called him.

I am in a season of re-discovering the call of God upon my life.

The last time I searched, it was 6 years ago. 6 years later, I wouldn't say that my vision has changed that drastically. I still am pretty passionate about what I was passionate about 6 years back. However, these 6 years have done a lot for me and to me...I've been stretched, bruised, knocked down... and yet, picked up, nourished, nurtured and encouraged in many ways. Therefore, I feel like I need to recapture or refine the vision. This time, things should be clearer than before - what with the developments that have taken place in my life so far - I just need to know how they connect to the big picture - and how to get there from here. At least, I know that I am getting married soon.

Dr. Sunny says... the relationships in our lives alter our initial plans and directions... and God often puts us in strategic relationships (of course this includes family, friends and acquaintances), so that we don't run onto the wrong roads. Dr. S is right. Things would have been a lot different if I were single today. Not that being single is wrong - but for me, I can see now why I work better married...

I need some sort of burning bush experience... and then I need God to speak... and tell us to go or stay.

Wednesday

Everywhere... we are surrounded by many trees...coz the seminary is in the forest! Fresher air than in the town and city, definitely. I am even appreciating the fact that the sun rises super early every day...so I wake up everyday by 6.30am without having to snooze my alarm-clock - because the sun shines directly onto my face... and I absolutely fear freckles! Ample time to bathe, do quiet-time and pray before trooping down to the dining hall with the rest for breakfast. I'm loving it.

The internet connection here still sucks. Here we were, (im)patiently waiting for our emails to 'log-in'... Forget about Skype. Ben and I have kinda given up on skyping already. :( Btw, this corner of the dining room is the closest spot to the router...so the 'we-need-internet-club' members a.k.a Fung Hain, Ruth and I gather here everyday before breakfast, and after lunch, dinner and night-sharing to try and log into our email accounts... Yeah and just that! It's not for fun...I wouldn't mind as much if I couldn't log-into my Facebook account - but we really have got important emails to read and reply.

Anyway....

Thanks for prayers!

Ben is now back in Penang... safe and sound. Tired and blur I suppose... but still, praise God, he's had a smooth journey back home! :)

I am one relieved woman indeed... God be praised. I do get a little nervous when anyone I know gets on a long flight. (To make no mention of loved ones.) Strangely, I don't get nervous when I am the one traveling. In fact, I actually enjoy it... save the complications of course. Like the other day... I was detained at the Amsterdam airport customs (when I was transiting for Poland) for a long time... got "interviewed" by the officers pula. *Gulp* Thankfully, they let me go after a good long hour of waiting outside the investigations room with tachycardia... furiously texting Ben and my dad, and anticipating myself being sent back to Malaysia the way I came...

I am not kidding. I have over-active imagination. At that very moment, I forgot about the reason I had been sent to Poland... :P I had this wild-thought...well, if they did send me back to Malaysia, I'd be able to welcome Ben home... :D ~ hehe... Of course, by God's grace... and obviously, His will (that I stay in Poland for one month), they accepted my answers...and let me pass.

How can anyone suspect someone with such an innocent face like mine could be up to no good in their country? :P I am really innocent. I am!

still pretty free...

We've still got alot of classes to go and duties to do...but there's still quite a bit of free time to run around... Maybe I should start on Dr. Vincent's assignments tomorrow night.

Praying for Ben as he is on a long, long journey home from the States. Please pray with me if you can! :)

Poland

The internet connection has been pretty slow at the Warsaw Baptist Theological Seminary...coz my school is in the forest... full of tall, tall trees..

But I am alive and kicking... They are feeding us pretty well too... So I think I am more than alive. Haha! In a sense. Lots of fresh air and time with God too.

So far, it's been classes and classes... and preparing for worship.

I am missing Ben more than ever...coz our communication lines are even worse now that I am in a different country. Boo hoo. And the time-zones are confusing me even more...

Packing...

I've left the sunny island of Penang...for my hometown...

...and now I am preparing to fly off to the land of poles and polar bears... Haha! Kidding :D
Poland, here I come!

Pic above this one: humongous papa bag (better now...I can fit all my stuff in, thanks to the upgrade in size of luggage!) and Zoey's old classical guitar...
This pic: teeny-weeny baby (cabin) bag...
...and the weighing scale...to check on my luggage weight.

And me....just before I turn transparent in Poland... (as Kevin puts it) - Here goes my hard-earned, Penang island tan... and tan-lines... if you can see any sign of it, that is... :P - I doubt that this picture speaks the truth and nothing but the truth...

Thanks for the prayers, provisions, well wishes and love, dear friends!

Truly, God has been faithful to provide everything abundantly for His work. When I first signed up for this mission trip, everyone (including myself) wondered where I'd find my funds on top of saving up for my studies every month... I actually thought I was crazy after a while. But somehow, the provisions trickled in. Through love-gifts (thank you all who so joyfully and graciously contributed), angpow money this year, my dad's blessings, my future parents-in-law's blessings, savings, church 's blessings and many miscellaneous resources. Of course, nothing can be compared to the many prayers I've received - the best gifts of all. To my family, covenant sisters, prayer partners, CG members, church-mates, friends, cousins, partners in ministry, seminary mates, blog-mates, mentors, Aunty May Ling, etc. Thank you.

I am truly humbled and thankful for this opportunity to go, be equipped and to reach out to a nation yet foreign to me.

To my Heavenly Father... thank You for Your love, Your grace and Your purposes for my life. Just as I am, use me... and make all things work together for good. In Jesus' name, amen.

I miss YOU.

5 more weeks... Why is time passing so slowly?

back in KL...

At one of the toilet stops down the North-South Highway yesterday...

The wonderful man that drove me home... my dad.

At OldTown Coffee this morning...

I've got problems fitting everything into one bag. Tell me... why do I have so many things to bring on a mission trip!?!??

My Farewell lunch :) ~

After I bade farewell to Louise and Wei Nin yesterday... today, someone bade farewell to me :D

My dear friend, Ai Hua, graciously made me a farewell lunch this afternoon at her place... to mark the end of my studying-phase of STCM at MBTS... hehe... as well as to catch-up before I do my missions practicum...and be the missionary to Poland. Hehe... And she, to Taiwan.

She had put together the ingredients for Gyoza (Japanese Dumplings) and simple sushi (I am such a sucker for sushi)... cooked a whole pot of hearty soup (with sweetcorn from Cameron Highlands - it was really good!!!)... and tossed us some salad. It was really fun - coz yours truly had the honor of filling up the dumplings and sweet beancurd pockets... Yummy yum, yum...

Awww...thanks, dear! Itadakimasu!!!! :)

It was really a big meal... although the pics don't show the real size of the sushi's (they were gigantic!!) and real amount of food we ate... :P Both of us were so bloated after we finished eating. Even Ai Hua, who usually eats way more rice than I do in school, couldn't finish her salad in the end! (But I did!!! Yay!) We yakked and yakked and yakked till past 4pm too. It was a good time of catching up...and girl-talking mostly about our wonderful boyfriends... :P

Just finished my Skype session with Ben... Alas, I won't get to meet him when he gets back next week, but let me persevere. One month plus down... Just one-and-a-half-month more to go! *Huff, puff*

Lunch + Coffee with Sau Chan and the two new doctors @ Hongkie Kopitiam

New Dr. #1 - Louise...

New Dr. #2 - Wei Nin (opening Sau Chan's farewell gift to her)

Louise and Wei Nin...and their coffees.... We will miss you both greatly indeed... :')

Sau Chan and I - and our coffees... (This is random...LOL. But I think I can see some of the 'Hakka-ness' springing up in my face, somewhere.... coz I do spot some resemblance to my grandma :P)

My wacky fried brinjal + fried fish + fried rice... *_* eeerrrrks... mmm hau sit!!! >.<' I appreciated the chilli sambal thingy though :)

SC and me... her food looked so much more appetizing...

Group picture... although it is very blur :) - But good thing Sau Chan's and Louise's camera had quite OK shots... will steal from them later...

Monday's randoms...

After today's marathon of fried, fried food...

I am feeling really *(+_____+)* - a.k.a bui....

but oh well... it was well worth it, to spend time with my dear sisters - Sau Chan, Wei Nin and Louise :) It will probably be the last time I see WN and Louise, before they leave Penang for their hometowns... and then work. Funny... they being my juniors from PMC... and they are gonna leave Penang before me. :P

Tomorrow, I have a lunch appointment with Ai Hua (she's making gyoza and sushi!!!)... and a dinner appointment with Janet - before M.T.

Sunday reflection...

I am not very proud of many, many parts of my life.

I've made mistakes.

And sometimes, I don't know if I am making mistakes or not. I've let go of some things which I felt I should have held on to. I won't mention what. But I'd like to think that everything happens for a reason - that my tears were well spent, my losses were well worth it and the goodbyes were inevitable. It's really a good thing, God gave me a phlegmatic side of my personality to balance up the melancholic.

We make choices everyday. Today is a result of the countless choices I've made before. Where I am. What I do. The consequences of wrong choices I've made in the past... And yet, I see God's sovereignty and grace. To yet lead and encourage. To comfort me in my mistakes. To help me so that I may bear with the consequences and ultimately, overcome.

Remember the story of the girl who was about to be stoned in the Bible by an angry, mocking crowd? Jesus said, "Whoever has never sinned... let him be the first one to throw the stone..." And the mocking crowd melted away little by little... And the girl turned to Him, who was truly sin-less - but He had no stones to humiliate her... only love and grace. "Go away, and sin no more," He said. Most of the days, I feel like the girl. Waiting with a fearful expectation of the wages of my sins and my wrong choices in life... but when I remember how Jesus, the sinless, took upon the sins of the world and bore the punishment we deserved, my heart is stung with grief, conviction... and yet, His grace gives me hope.

To give my life to Him, and to accept the gift of salvation Christ had purchased on the cross for my sins - this is one choice I will never regret.

But all too many times, those nagging thoughts return to bug me - regarding some other major choices I made in life. What if this? What if that? What if I had dot dot dot? What if I had not...? Did I do the right thing? What if I've missed this or that opportunity? What if that step I took was really the wrong step? Etcetera.

Endless what if's...

Today, I was having an ice-cream... while some emofying, melancholic piano music played softly in the background. It made me very emo >.< - A big 'what if' came to mind... This 'what if', I've struggled with it for a long while now... and sometimes, I doubt what I did was right. Sometimes, I feel like I've missed the mark - and I'll never achieve the destiny God had in His mind when He made me. Sometimes, the guilt leads me to try and justify myself... to try and prove (to myself more than to anyone else) that all I did wasn't in vain. But pondering on it today, I just felt sad. I felt that I am a lost case. But out of the emofying music, I felt God impress upon my heart. "Love demands sacrifice. You may not understand why you gave that up... but at least, know that you mostly gave that up - for love. And that... I understand."

And I realized... yeah. After all, God so loved the world...that He gave His only begotten Son...

Someday, perhaps I will share... what I gave up for love. Perhaps someone will need the testimony of God's grace... or perhaps someone might stand in my shoes one day and be blessed. Or perhaps, one day, when the loved one needs the affirmation...that I truly love him to the point of laying down my life for him... I will share what I gave up for love.

I don't know. What matters most... is God understands.

For now, I rest assured, that my destiny lies in God's hands. Yesterday, today and forevermore.

I dedicate this song... to one or more of you....

	Shila - Memori Tercipta .mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

Bergetar jiwa dipersada bercahaya
Pertemuan harapan pertama kalinya
Bergetar jiwa menghadapi mimpi-mimpi
Sukar dipercaya pintunya terbuka

Di sini jua memori tercipta
Walau seketika terjalin kasih kita
Mungkin disini kita kan terpisah
Kenangan bersama tiada kulupa

Mengalun suara sesuri bisikan hati
Seiringan mencari haluan berseni
Bergetar jiwa menghadapi mimpi-mimpi
Tiada pon terduga pintunya terbuka

Di sini jua memori tercipta
Walau seketika terjalin kasih kita
Mungkin di sini kita kan terpisah
Kenangan bersama tiada ku lupa

Yang terpahit jua termanis
Semuanya bagiku terindah
Kuingati buat selama-lamanya

Looking forward to missions...

Once again... it's glaring out there. Another hot, sunny day.

This...is one of my last weekends here in Penang... before I fly off to Poland. In a way, I need this change of environment. I am quite the nomad. Stay too long in one place (this pertaining to a given location)... and I'll feel trapped - more so if I am pretty much alone. Especially so if it has been a challenging, exhausting season.

Eeeks... Does that sound like I like to run away?

No worries, folks. I'll be back! In slightly more than a month's time... Coz regardless of the fact that I've grown tired of Penang (for the time being), I look forward to seeing some of my dearest friends back here, again...And more than anything, to be reunited with my dearest of dears... :)

However, this isn't exactly a holiday - although I do get the bonus of visiting my sister in UK right after work is over... I've got loads of work waiting for me in Poland and loads of work waiting for me back here in Penang. BUT... yes, but... I am looking forward to work! :D Sounds a little crazy, but it's true.

I had a strange dream yesterday. A brother was telling me, "I think you should go on the Doulos!" That was random!

Saturday

I've got my "sunscreen-seasons". After those seasons are over, I couldn't care less. No, don't scare me with unsightly tan-lines stories, skin-cancer, premature skin-aging and freckles. I know all these things. But when I'm out of my "sunscreen-seasons", I AM out.

Coz, I don't wanna say this: Sunscreen costs a bomb. But I'll admit it now. I feel the pinch everytime my skin-care products zero...and I have to spend money buying new tubs of face-cream.

Clothes, which are not worn out on the streets by a dozen other girls - or at least the clothes I really like (artsy-fartsy prints, casual dresses in cute boutiques and random stuff from elegant shops) are kinda expensive too. I always have my love-hate affairs with the Sales... On one hand, these eye-catching labels of '50% discount' and '70% discount' entice me... on the other hand, I often end up going home empty-handed. Grrrr.... And some people gasp in disbelief... "But Grace, 70% discount... very cheap already! It's the perfect opportunity to get that x.x.x.x.x you've always wanted to get!" Guys...you are NOT helping me!

Good quality make-up... not even the famous brands endorsed by celebrities and K-pop artists... costs much. And one thing I cannot stand = using expired skin-care products and make-up.

Boy... am I glad that beauty is not skin deep!

If you haven't guessed... I went shopping today. After I brought my car to service.

Today... Friday.

Went to school... chatted for 45min-an hour with Kevin :) - then I fetched Maeve from her hotel, drove to Queensbay... had lunch at Queens Market... watched 'Despicable Me'.... did some window-shopping with my Irish friend, who was curious to see what shopping in Penang is like... then I drove to the Airport. We had our dinner at Kenny Rogers, Maeve's treat...

...then I sent Maeve off!

Night time serenade...

Ben sent me 'Smoke gets in my eyes' ...and I am playing it over and over again in my little room.

Paused the music for a while... Somewhere out there... in the stillness of the night, some flutey music echoes...

I always think it's cool in a way staying in a block full of multi-cultural families and individuals. You never know what you'll hear next. Be it weird music, sounds of some TV programme going on... people talking in various dialects and languages, the excited chatter of children, the flushing of a neighbour's toilet, someone taking a shower in the middle of the night, religious chants foreign to me, cars and motorbikes moving in and out of the compound... and yes, now that the World Cup season is on... loud boos and cheers from the people gathered at the mamak stall downstairs to watch the games...

Could someone else be feeling as sentimental and nolstalgic as I? Right at this very moment?

I can only imagine.

The most problematic course ever...

Introduction to Pastoral Counseling.

The most problematic assignments I've ever had.

First of all, I accidentally deleted the typed-out transcript for my taped counseling session (lazy to explain details now) once - thank God for Chik Bu's efficient transcribing software that helped me to re-do the whole transcript in 3 hours - otherwise it would have taken me another 6-7 hours.

Secondly, while I was doing both critiques required for the course, I was depressed and troubled over other issues, so you can imagine how unmotivated, uninspired I felt. Boo hoo hoo....

Thirdly, my CD-player suddenly conked out... so I couldn't play the CD and listen to Dr. Jones' recorded interview... and my rancangan tergendala sekali lagi (if you don't get what I am talking about, it's OK. LOL. Bear with me a while)... Thank God for Vanessa, otherwise I will be in big, big trouble... coz one of my critiques depended on it.

Then a dear friend from Ireland, Maeve, came over to Penang, so I had to stop all work to take her out. I know she wouldn't have minded if I hadn't - but I just really, really wanted to spend more time with her. Praise God that James Wong is on a holiday - so he could help me drive Maeve all around Penang and visit the famous food places (after some research on his part, beforehand)... otherwise, I would have been fully STRESSED!

(I haven't mentioned spending money yet... but it's stressing me out too... and please pray for my finances people.)

Even during the submission of the assignments I had problems. Gah! - and yes... I am still having problems... The files won't load! Like yeah....

*Frustrated* Punches the air.

Dot dot dot.

If only I could turn back time...

I always wished that I could turn back time...

If only...

But today, I am glad that I cannot turn back time... We cannot avoid trials in life. They mostly cause us to grow and progress. Ultimately - even though they may be quite painful. A butterfly is not born a butterfly. It was a caterpillar, which slowly and forcefully broke out of a cocoon.

If I did turn back time... I'd hate to have my trials repeat themselves... or have new, uncalled for, unpredicted grievances come my way. Coz... a trial is always a trial. Whatever stage of life you are at, whatever your financial status, or social status, spiritual status or achievements, etc... when you go through a difficult time, it feels like the worst ever experienced.

Take for example, the difficulties I went through when I was being potty-trained as a toddler... I don't think they are lesser compared to the difficulties I go through in life now... as a grown-up young woman... The guilt, rejection, overwhelm, bewilderment and embarrassment of wetting my bed - I still feel these emotions nowadays, perhaps not due to bed-wetting, but some other struggles and break-throughs I have yet to achieve.

I am not sure I want to repeat an earlier stage of my life... and grow younger...just so that I can rectify some mistakes I previously made... coz, where I've arrived at today - along with the consequences of my mistakes, God has graciously brought much beauty into my life. Such precious blessings and lessons that I don't think I'd let go of now, even if I were able to change the past...

Been there, done that - gotten over it...and now I look forward to the future.

But... perhaps, it's because I do know where I'm going after I die. Do you?

Maeve's in Penang...

She arrived yesterday... and the whole of today, James (Ben's bro), Maeve and myself have been touring Penang :P...just for the sake of introducing to her all Penang's cool, heritage places... as well as FOOD, of course!!! We ate and ate and ate... *burrrrrrp*

She even tried...in her opinion - 'the smelliest fruit in the world' - Durian.

Sometimes...

...when you get so stuck in something, so desperate about a situation... and there's nothing you can do about it...

... take a deep, deep breath...

I talk to Jesus. And I find comfort in knowing that He is interceding for me at the right hand of our Heavenly Father.

Holidays...

Although a bit directionless... at least I've got things to keep me occupied this holiday. My assignments, Maeve, and shopping for mission trip.

Sleeping-in till the sun is high in the sky has been bliss :P - I only wish I didn't feel guilty for doing so. Relax, Grace. Relax. CHILL...

Confession: The back-up plan...

Watched 'The Back-up Plan' all by myself this evening. Really enjoyed it even though I didn't agree with some values portrayed. Had a good laugh too.

I think I can quite relate to the character J. Lo played in the movie - Zoe. Not the pregnancy part of course... but her insecurities and fears due to what she had experienced in her childhood.

She kept expecting Stan to walk out of her life and abandon her, even while he had assured her many times that he wouldn't. Furthermore... to protect herself, she always had a back-up plan for every thing... including her relationship with Stan. This pattern ~ she followed all her life. Such a habit of pushing people away when they get close... because she feared abandonment...

Confession: I thought Zoe reminded me alot of myself.

I had two previous relationships - in which my ex-boyfriends treated me very well - but both separations were proposed by yours truly. Why? Well, about the first one... I decided that I couldn't possibly put up any longer with certain stuff I couldn't tolerate about the guy - because what he did made me feel rejected and fearful. The poor dude was very hurt - that he failed to function in life for a while...literally :( Thank God that by His grace, he made a come-back. We did apologize to one another later - but we've lost contact with one another for quite some years already.

In the second relationship, the ex-bf and I came to a mutual conclusion to end the relationship after some time, because the guy's parents were not in favor of us together... during our studying years. However, we did plan to get back together later, if we still had feelings for one another. The aftermath of that separation was a little too much for me and I felt way reluctant to get back into the relationship with so much opposition from others which I took personally as rejection - I decided that there was to be 'no looking back' - so I moved on from there... once and for all.

The ex-bf did not believe that I had moved on so fast. He did not know that once I had made up my mind to move on, I'd really move on - and not really feel much remorse or regret. (Running away actually.) My main priority was to protect myself from hurt, from rejection, from abandonment... so I was my greatest defense. (Or so I thought) Thus you can imagine his confusion for the next 3 years ~ we were mostly 'playing' hide-and-seek. I'd go out of my way to avoid him, while he kept trying to patch things up in between us, do things for me and give me presents - because he thought that there was still hope. In time, I grew mad and bitter at him for still 'seeking' me when I had put in so much effort to recover and move on (and moved on I did!) - that I became very unkind to him too. Bitterness grew into hatred. It was as much of a terrible time for him, as it was exhausting for me. There were many potential 'back-up plans' around, but of course I had grown into a prayerful person during that time... and I mostly kept my eyes on God... that kept me from...um, pursuing those 'back-up plans'. You get what I mean? :P

Thank God - I had to come back to Penang from Dublin - and the year apart sorta allowed alot of healing to take place... that the ex-bf and I were able to talk to one another properly as friends again... eventually.

Anyway, guess what... God did not allow me to get into anymore relationships for the 4 years that followed... so He could teach me very important lessons of life. Funny but true, many brothers and closer guy friends came into my life during that period of time... it couldn't have been anything else but God's plan. Because of them, I learned to be a sister - and how to serve my brothers. I learned that my brothers could be trusted to protect me, lead me, affirm me, and to love me as a sister and friend... It was a bittersweet season of learning indeed.

I thank God especially for Kean Yew. He's the closest brother I've ever had - we grew very close as friends especially after a difficult year of trials for the both of us. There came a point when I tried to push him away and resented him for kindly doing so much for me...but I was amazed when he gently said, "I think I understand why..." and then he did move out of my 'space' a little, but continued to serve me as willingly as before. I truly appreciated what he did - was very touched... and our friendship grew stronger after that. KY continued to give me his unstinting support... through every up and down in my life... even until today. He is one very faithful brother, who taught me to trust.

In my current relationship with Ben (that's gonna lead to marriage), I still find myself a little apprehensive of trusting sometimes. I guess I still fear abandonment and rejection... but thank God, it's growing much less than before... I do hope, that with time, I'd grow more secure.

Indeed, there's no back-up plan for marriage. Coz I don't believe in divorce.

Sunday

Went out for dinner with the Wongs and Xu Wen... at Gurney Drive. We had the yummiest char kuey teow ever from Ben's uncle's stall...grilled sting-ray ala Penang... Cuttle-fish + kangkung rojak... and laksa. My "souvenir" from that place - is this box of muar chee James tar-pau-ed for me. I am stowing it in my fridge for now... till I need my nuts fix.

In many ways, I enjoy the freedom of being able to 'keep food' nowadays. Back when I struggled with bulimia (in continuum with anorexia nervosa), I couldn't buy too many snacks to store at home - because I know I'd binge and finish them within 1-2 days...and then feel uber guilty... purge ... restrict the next few days - till I could bear it no longer... I'd inevitably binge again and the vicious cycle would repeat.

The binges was uncontrollable and ridiculous (and in many ways, I thought... frightening). I'd binge even if I was bursting at my seams or after a full meal! My urges to binge went to the extent of driving me out in the middle of classes - I'd make excuses to get out of class (somewhere towards the end of A-levels - i.e. A2.) just so that I could run to the canteen, buy food and EAT (I felt like a drug addict - with food as my drug). If I did not, I'd start trembling, sweating and grow fidgetty. From buns to chocolates to junk-food to sandwiches to even another full-meal after lunch, etc... whatever you offered me, I'd take it. And then later, if I did not 'get rid' of the stuff I had consumed, I'd start trembling too - and breaking out into a cold sweat. I had a psychiatrist back then, Dr. Rose, who told me to keep a food diary... but it never worked, because I'd binge and then lie in my diary. :P *wide-eyed (not) innocent look* Those were really dark times. Many times, I thought I'd die (literally). Sometimes, I thought about killing myself. And yes... to dull the inner pain, I used to slash myself with scissors/knives - or dig my nails into my skin when I was frustrated.. all because I thought that the blood would make me feel better. Alternatively, I'd hurl myself at the wall, just so that the inner pain could be externalized or embodied in the physical. But of course these were just my own 'remedies' - nothing really worked. But God...

Anyway, thank God for healing me. I don't really know how my bulimia started and ended... I only know that I was pulling out of Anorexia N. by the end of 2002. I am aware of certain triggers that (still) encourage some abnormal behaviors... or the cumulative risk factors from my childhood. But at its heart, (while I craved acceptance from others) I could never truly accept myself. It was through a long and sometimes painful process, God brought me (through my dear friends, family and His Word in the Bible) to look at myself differently... and to love His image in me. To see myself as a child of God. That He loves me NOT because I am worthy... but I am of great worth because He loves me.

Now, I am able keep loads of stuff in my fridge... savor a little when it's my designated snack-times (without going overboard), enjoy the freedom of eating the food without counting calories or being too guilty... then re-seal the packet and put it back into the fridge for later consumption... Praise God indeed.

Btw... this wasn't meant to be a testimony. LOL. But I think it just turned out to be one.

James and Xu Wen are so nice... they decided that they would spare a day this upcoming week to bring my Irish girl-friend around Penang. What a blessing!

Do you know...where you're going to... ?

I'm kinda lost.

Anyway...

While I was learning to speak German back in Dublin, I watched a gripping German film during the German film festival - "Sophia Scholl - The Final Days" back in the Irish Film Institute once... It's of a true story of a girl a German student, active within the White Rose non-violent resistance group in Nazi Germany.... She was convicted of high treason after having been found distributing anti-war leaflets at the the University of Munich with her brother, Hans. Both were executed by the guillotine. Sophie had a talent for drawing and painting... and as an avid reader, she developed a growing interest in philosophy and theology. Her firm Christian faith in God and her belief that every human being has the dignity of being image-bearers of God formed her basis for resisting Nazi ideology. I highly recommend the movie.

Being horrified by her boyfriend's (Hartnagel) reports through correspondence of the behavior of the Germans on the Eastern Front where Hartnagel witnessed Soviet soldiers shot in a pit, and learned of the mass killings of Jews, she often discussed the "theology of conscience" developed in Newman's writings - with Hartnagel. Her brother, Hans and 2 other men formed the White Rose movement and co-authored six anti-Nazi political resistance leaflets. Hans had initially wanted to keep her unaware of their activities, but once she discovered them, there was no stopping her. She joined them and played an important role: being a woman, her chances of being randomly stopped by the Nazis were much smaller. They instructed Germans passively (as in not by violence) to resist the Nazis. Alas, Sophie and the rest of the White Rose were arrested for distributing the sixth leaflet at the University of Munich on February 18, 1943.

The next day, they were found guilty and condemned to death. They were all beheaded in Munich's Stadelheim Prison only a few hours later. Prison officials, in later describing the scene, emphasized the courage with which she walked to her execution. Her last words were "How can we expect righteousness to prevail when there is hardly anyone willing to give himself up individually to a righteous cause. Such a fine, sunny day, and I have to go, but what does my death matter, if through us thousands of people are awakened and stirred to action?"

Following her death, a copy of the sixth leaflet was smuggled out of Germany through Scandinavia to the UK by German jurist, Helmuth James Graf von Moltke where it was utilized by the Allied Forces. In mid-1943, they dropped millions of propaganda copies over Germany of the tract, now retitled The Manifesto of the Students of Munich.
(Resources: Wikepedia)

One of the most touching scenes of the movie was this :

Sophie, who learned that she was to be executed that day, was put into a room to write her last words while fighting to maintain her composure. She was visited by her parents, who expressed their approval of what she has done. She assured her mother they will meet again in heaven. The prison chaplain came and she received his blessing. He told her she has the greatest love of all — to give up one's life for one's friends. She was led into a cell where her White Rose mates await execution. They quietly shared a cigarette, and then embraced. One of them, Probst, remarked that what they did was not in vain. As Sophie is led into a courtyard, she spoke, "The sun is still shining..." She was brought to the execution chamber and placed in a guillotine. The blade fell the first time and the picture went black. Footsteps were heard, and then Hans's voice piped up, exclaiming "Es lebe die Freiheit!" ("Long live Freedom!"). There was another shudder to the picture, as the blade came down upon his neck. More footsteps...and the third and final fall of the blade for Probst....

I promise...I assure you that...

...The whole theatre of people were crying. I kid you not. It must have been a funny sight - a whole throng of people making their way out of Cine 2 later - with swollen eyes and red noses.

This was indeed one movie that encouraged me in my walk with God - to stand up for the right things and not give up, even though it hurts to love God.

Recently, I have been wondering...

Am I still having that same steely determination to follow Jesus? Yeah, I am one tired-out seminary student, but does that give me any excuzes not to seek to walk closer to Him each day? I admire my younger self actually... Once upon a time, when I was a medical student, I'd wake up at 4am in the mornings - spring out of bed - just to have that special moment with God first thing in the morning. But now? I've become so much of a night-person... that I can hardly wake up in the mornings, haha. Every morning begins with a groan, a snooze of the alarm-clock... and then me whimpering, like a puppy - as I drag myself to the bathroom for a shower. I am not saying that I don't seek God or pray... I do. I yearn and I hunger... but what kind of attitude is this? To reluctantly start my day? To sometimes make little compromises here and there, and tell myself that it's OK? Such a struggle - and I get lost when I try to think of where I am right now. But God, Author and Perfecter of my faith - make me faithful by Your grace - for without You, I won't be able to stand. Do not pass me by.

Saturday... One month of my engagement down...

Went to TM Point this morning to clear up some problems... Thank God for Ben's brother, James...who came along just in case there was any trouble. We had brunch at the Sunshine Square market after we were done at TMP. Bumped into Wai Lim, Yen Ngoh, their baby...and the WL's mum.

After brunch, I went to Queensbay Mall to get some shopping done (since today's J Card members' day!) - went to Borders bookstore first... and guess what? I bumped into Wai Lim and family again... @_@' Great minds think alike, huh?

Shopped the whole day... some stuff are for mission trip (like my walking shoes - since my old pair are badly damaged - with the soles of the shoes coming off and other unfortunates...), some stuff are not. Actually, I didn't buy much. However, I was fickle-minded... and I spent more time working-out my brains and thinking - "Should I buy? But... but... it looks kinda expensive..." than actually spending money. I should shop more... if it keeps my left-brain and right-brain fit, alert and trained - like this!

In the evening, I had dinner with a sister, Sau Chan... at Sushi King. I thought it was really good to sit down and chat properly with her... as we seldom have an opportunity to engage in heart-to-heart conversations like that we had today - both of us being rather introverted people! Thank God for the precious moments... Our days are numbered - but we hardly think of how we live our lives as the clock ticks on. I am glad that I am able to spend some time eating with people almost every day - while I can. This makes my life meaningful. Not merely money... or living in a mansion... or being financially able to buy all the best bags, shoes, clothes, make-up or skin-care products in the world. Rather, the beauty and sweetness of love, friendship, building relationships, nature, prayer, seeing the fruits of prayer (all by God's grace)... and ultimately - the reason I was made = knowing God.

Having said that...it's one month since I got engaged to Ben. And it's one month since Ben's left for the States... *Miss you, dear*

One-and-a-half-month more before we meet again.

Tomorrow...busy day.

Penang in July...

Never felt the nights so cool in a long, long while.

I can even sit in the room with a hot cup of tea...and not use the fan! Occasionally, the rain would suddenly pour outside... just as if a cloud has had enough of holding up all that water - and decided to um... relieve itself and answer nature's call. And I mean, literally!

I'm so glad Maeve decided to come next week, instead of during the blistering hot season. From Irish weather to the Penang island-oven - not very good. Even if it rains a little more than usual, at least, our Irish friend won't leave Penang next Friday with a sun-burnt face or worse still *gullllp* - sunstroke! :D Hehe, I feel so responsible for making sure that she doesn't over-heat...

Woke up on the wrong side of the bed...

Not a very happy day on the whole. I feel like I've messed up so many things. Everything kinda backfired on me.

Yeah... as a result, I am about to face a 'judgment seat' ~ not that of God, but of someone else... =_=" Dang-dang-dang-dang...

In the end, I returned home feeling all disgruntled, disappointed and angry with myself... ordered pizza (yes I can jolly well eat one whole regular-sized (9") pizza all by myself), watched the last episode of 'Brilliant Legacy' (Korean drama) and now, I am waiting for the 'judgment seat'.

Will I be 'safe' or sorry? *yelps* Oh, God... please, please be merciful and gracious to me... and please make all things work together for good. *so scared*

Anyway, I've come to the end of my HCD electives term at MBTS. I think I might have fallen head-over-heels with HCD. It is a very refreshing, motivating and enlightening major indeed. I think everyone should take Holistic Child Development courses, because children are so important to God. My HCD friends whom I will only meet again this time next year - bade me farewell... and congratulated me in advance for getting married. *ehem* I am actually not married yet... but probably, when we next see each other, I will be a Mrs. somebody...

Sobering thought.

The clouds settled upon the hilltops today. I had my 'head in the clouds' literally!

The end of a most intensive month...

It has been an interesting term.

For one thing, it has been pretty intensive... I did 2 weeks of Mon-Fri, 8am-4pm grueling classes... took a week off, to get my bearings right again (for once, my one-week felt like forever - which shows how intensive my first 2 weeks were!) and this week, it was another Mon-Fri, 8am-4pm course. You cannot imagine how exhausting it is race to school early in the morning to rack your brains the whole day, only to have to drive home after school (the journey is about 45 mins in the evening) with a pile of assignments waiting for you at home (in glee, if I may mention). For me, I get so tired in the evenings (even though I love the equipping), that I barely touch my assignments for the first few hours of arriving home. I'd check my emails, take a nap, get some exercise, watch Korean drama on TV, eat my dinner... skype with Ben for a while... and then - I'd begin on assignments till the wee hours in the morning and sleep about 3-4 hours each night. Subsequently, the whole cycle repeats again. Furthermore, I have weekend commitments too. I'm honestly surprised that I haven't fallen sick yet - praise God. It's just my head feels weird every day...and so do my eye-lids! :P Not a pleasant kind of sensation - that's all I can say. Sleep deprived and quiet-time deprived, I can't wait for the term break already... @_@' *Phewww*

Secondly, on top of all the intensiveness, Ben Wong went over to the States for work - which stressed me out in the beginning, because he was a little nervous over the business trip and I was nervous on his behalf too... And then, we had to match our Skype sessions - since he's 15 hours behind my time, it has been a tricky feat... and basically - crazy. Also, with him being away and all, I had to cope with alot of extra responsibilities - not that I mind, but all of them were challenging reminders that I wouldn't see him for a few months... and I really miss him. So it's not fair. I have to leave for Poland before he returns to Malaysia - and my heart sinks every time I think that I have to wait even longer to see him again.

Thirdly, I've been depressed and emotional the whole month due to many reasons. Messed up assignments, assignments that were accidentally or non-accidentally deleted and had to be re-done (yes I am talking about my taped counseling session - this was an accident - and WKC's paper due to the sudden crashing of my thumb-drive)... ministry reasons... Ben reasons... me reasons... a sudden twist in my 'destination' (seriously, I don't know why my life is always like this. Just when I have come to terms that a season of my life will end one particular way, there's always this SURPRISE twist at the end. Not that it is a bad one... but I am not a very adaptable person by nature, so the twist makes me jittery, nervous and unsettled all over again. Haha, you can tell that... I find it very difficult when I am not in control!) But, I have to say... I am so glad and thankful for friends, through whom God showed me His love and favor. You guys know who you are.. :) Thanks!

So yes... that's my STCM 2010 term. Quite memorable, I must say! With this week behind me, I feel like I've grown alot older! *gulp* ... and thinner too. And my dark eye-rings have never been darker! LOL. Will need to start preparing for my Poland mission trip and Maeve will be coming to Penang next week...