Good Friday

We had a one-hour Good Friday service in the seminary chapel today.

We sang a few hymns, Dr. Lawson preached, the school choir gave us 2 songs... and the highlight of it all (at least for me) was Dr. Matahari leading us in Holy Communion. It was a solemn affair. It made me reflect on the account of the Last Supper - before Jesus was taken away to be crucified. Among His disciples, nobody but one actually truly believed that this would be certainly the final time they would dip their bread into the same cup as Jesus before He was hung on the cross for the sins of the world. Nobody but one. Yes, Judas knew... and He still betrayed Jesus.

However, all was not lost. God makes all things work together for the good of those who love Him, those who have been called according to His purpose. (Rom 8:28) Judas meant it for evil, but God made it good for us. It is because of Christ's death, we no longer have to pay the penalties for our sins. It is because of Christ's resurrection, we are also raised up with Him as victors - no longer condemned for our sins - free to transform, love, serve Him and glorify the Risen King.

My first ever Easter weekend was celebrated in a tiny church back in my hometown - i.e. the Cornerstone Baptist Church (CBC). I remember my fascination, my remorse of Christ's brutal death... and yet, the awesome relief at the mention of His resurrection on Easter morning. May I never lose the wonder of what the Lord Jesus Christ has done for me.

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting lives." (John 3:16)

Pastors' retreat @ Teluk Bahang Dam

There was a beautiful pillar of rain-clouds rising from the mountains that morning...Eerie even!

Anyway, this was us - before we started out from MBTS...

Solemn entry...we were supposed to keep quiet and not talk to one another throughout the whole retreat :) - instead, focus on God.

This was the part when the silence had ceased :D - and it was about time to go home.

Thursday

One and half months to the end of our term - and I am busy freaking out on top of having to complete all my assignments, because I haven't gotten all my credits. And then I will have to settle with Dr. Matahari, how I am to organize my courses for the next terms - if I am to graduate this year. (Yes, I've got lecturer/pastor/academic dean phobias still! *shivers in my bedroom slippers*)

While I am still very unsure of what the plans are after I am married, whether we will remain in Penang or not (still waiting on God to give us a definite answer), and if we do leave, whether we will come back that soon etc... I know for sure that I need to graduate this year - because I am uncertain of what lies beyond 2011. Plus, I really do not want those who have been voluntarily funding my studies to worry about me anymore. Neither do I want to burden Ben with my school fees when we've got to attend to so many readjustments to do in the coming months - as a newly married couple.

Can you understand my worries now? :)

Please pray for us.

Wednesday

Going to school with a red and irritated left eye today was humbling. Conjunctivitis, they say. The only thing cool about my predicament is that my eye is photosensitive. Extremely sensitive to light. After turning off the lights last night, my swollen left eye could still trace the objects in my room, while the good eye could see nothing but darkness!

Thank God that it isn't a corneal ulcer. How I got my eye infected - God knows! I haven't worn my contact lenses for a week by now.

They've replaced the Clavinova in our MBTS chapel with an upright piano - temporarily (I hope). While the sound quality and touch of the keys gave me the creeps, I think I am getting used to all that.

My sister left for KL last night. This is something she texted me today...

"...You know, suddenly I remembered something. Yesterday, near Subang Airport, when dad was driving, suddenly a long pole of a few meters seemed to drop down from an overhead bridge, very near our car...vertically. And then it 'bounced' back up again like being pulled back up. Weird huh...."

Wow. I believe it had got something to do with God's protection on my family. Praise be to Jesus Christ.

Finishing well

Funny. Last night, I was talking to Ben about "finishing well".

Today, I was supposed to be attending a class on 'The Life of the Pastor' (TLOTP). However, the TLOTP students were unexpected made to join another class (just for today) - which is on "Finishing Well" by Rev. Dr. Mark Chen. All because so many pastors drop out from serving their call due to various discouragements.

I did not sign up for this class, because it is an elective - and I am in a dire need of finishing my core subjects if I want to graduate this year. But I thank God for the opportunity to attend at least the first day of "Finishing Well".

Because it is so hard to think of finishing well when you are in some sort of plateau. Or when you have been waiting and waiting and waiting to clear some obstacle. Or uncertainty for that matter. Yes, you took the first step. Responded to God's call. Explosively and radically even. Despite the odds. And now that you are on a spiritual journey to fulfilling your life vocation, you suddenly arrive at River Jordan. Cross it? But it's swift and dangerous at this time of time of the year. Flood season. Will it ever end?

Perhaps, I am not quite at River Jordan. But today, I found myself asking ME this question, "Will you finish the race, where God has called you to run?" No, I lie. Actually, I have been asking myself this question from time to time. Today marks the umpteenth (and probably more than umpteenth) day. Because I get disillusioned way too easily. In instances of discontentment, I get distracted. Sometimes, I get lazy with my QT. Or peeved at people. Then I plateau. I swing in between wanting to do God's will... and wanting everything to be convenient. Sigh....

I don't know at all if I will finish well. But I hope I will be faithful. Faithfulness is not just the way to finish well, but it is finishing well.

O God, answer my prayer! Take my feet out from the miry clay and set 'em on solid rock!

Friday tomorrow!

*Smiles in glee*

But this week has been awesome, I promise. Even though I am quite tired by now (early mornings and rather late nights) the encouragement God has given to me about my circumstances through the Book of Joshua has totally lifted up my spirit. Such a timely course to go through in possibly my last term as an active student at MBTS. Such timely words of God received into my heart.

A picture Evelyn Ong tagged me in...Brings me to remember Long Lamai...and the people who showed us so much trust and care :')

Will I ever go back there?

Christian Ethics and Book of Joshua

I've begun two new classes today. And I've gotta say... I think I already love 'em... :)

Sipping green tea and checking emails after returning home from school, lunch and a round of grocery-shopping at Tesco's. Ah, there's nothing like resting my feet against the cool slabs of floor-tiles of my humble abode, clad in a comfy set of 'home-clothes' - after a long day out. Thank God for a shelter like this - even though it isn't anywhere near grand. It is indeed decked with sentimental value, fruit of many labours of love and God's provisions.

Played piano in chapel service again today, accompanied by Winson's drumming. The touch of the smooth keys and my fingers sweeping over them filled me with awe and wonder of God. It is mesmerizing how He invented 'muscle-memory' so that the fingers of a pianist always seem to have a life of their own when poised over the keyboard - capable of the most intricate maneuvers, knowing where exactly on the keyboard to land even while one's heart worships the Almighty Creator. Although my mind couldn't focus much on the words of the hymn we sang (sometimes, so eager are we, musicians, to appreciate the music that we overlook the words of the songs ~ :P), it already sufficed for me that I could express the overflow of my heart by providing the singing-congregation musical accompaniment!

Here is the lyrics of the hymn we sang in chapel today (written by Fanny Crosby). Indeed, God be praised!

Praise Him! Praise Him! Jesus, our blessèd Redeemer!
Sing, O Earth, His wonderful love proclaim!
Hail Him! hail Him! highest archangels in glory;
Strength and honor give to His holy Name!
Like a shepherd, Jesus will guard His children,
In His arms He carries them all day long:

Refrain

Praise Him! Praise Him!
Tell of His excellent greatness.
Praise Him! Praise Him!
Ever in joyful song!

Praise Him! Praise Him! Jesus, our blessèd Redeemer!
For our sins He suffered, and bled, and died.
He our Rock, our hope of eternal salvation,
Hail Him! hail Him! Jesus the Crucified.
Sound His praises! Jesus who bore our sorrows,
Love unbounded, wonderful, deep and strong.

Refrain

Praise Him! Praise Him! Jesus, our blessèd Redeemer!
Heav’nly portals loud with hosannas ring!
Jesus, Savior, reigneth forever and ever.
Crown Him! Crown Him! Prophet, and Priest, and King!
Christ is coming! over the world victorious,
Pow’r and glory unto the Lord belong.

Refrain

You can listen a Youtube presentation of the hymn here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BB27OjUFZjs

Tuesday ~ sFirst day of school, 2011...

Breakfast table.... at six something in the morning...

My yummylicious honey-almond cereal with soy milk and supplements...

I've started with 'Conflict Dynamics' classes this week - with Mrs. L - and it has been good learning so far. It helped me to examine myself, really.... because every conflict begins with ourselves.With our hearts sensing threat toward our held values, desires, goals or habits...whether from external sources or the dissonance caused by new ideas. Yet, any conflict can be an opportunity to s-t-r-e-t-c-h oneself and grow in leaps and bounds.

All in all, first day of school was thankfully delightful.

Some random thoughts...

I was reading somewhere (I forgot where) a few days back that many of us often separate 'spiritual' activities from 'non-spiritual' activities. For example, reading the Bible is deemed more spiritual than enjoying good music... going for church meetings is more spiritual than meeting up with friends for a meal... working in church is more spiritual than working in the corporate world or picking up after active kids at home as a house-wife. As a result, we get Christians sadly living in two separate worlds - the church world during weekends and the non-church world during week days. There are even ministry workers who have neglected their wives and children for ministry to others - which is considered much more important than spending time at home. We often forget that God is always present... Whenever that happens (think: while driving among reckless and annoying drivers on the road, when our days are filled to the brim with mundane chores, when we are cranky, snappy, PMS-ing or about to fall into sin; etc. *guilty, guilty*), we live and act and speak as if God were not around!

I admit that I too often forget that God watches over me every moment of my waking hours (as well as those when I am fast asleep). If we are spiritual beings, shouldn't everything we do be spiritual, if not divine? Washing dishes, doing laundry, emptying the trash-bin, driving, comforting the bawling children, eating, working, exercising in the gym, sleeping, etc - all these are some of the necessary activities which we can still carry out with our human bodies while we are away from our Heavenly Father. If we are aware of the continuous presence of God, shouldn't we carry them out as our spiritual acts of worship?

For Romans 12:1-2 says, "Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect."

In other words, should we not carry out our daily activities in these earthly bodies we live in, with a different kind of attitude from that of the world - seeing that God has graciously given us new lives in Christ and the constant presence of Himself? Indeed, He will be with us to the very end of age. Emanuel! This is the Almighty, sovereign God who does not divide Himself and give everyone one part of Himself - but He gives Himself fully... to each and everyone of us who put their hopes in Him.

I have decided ever since, that I will try to bear God's constant presence in mind this year - as I go through my daily activities (be it assignments, housework, driving in Penang, etc), because it is ultimately that which gives perfect peace.

Monday...

Imagine... tomorrow morning I will be again driving along the roads that lead me to Batu Feringghi. And stuck in the usual morning traffic jam. *Shudders*

Time is flying. In 4 days time, it will be another monthsary for Ben and I ~ and just another 4 months to us getting married! Gosh... we haven't sent out the invitations yet. *Panic*

This Saturday, it's in-laws-meet-my-dad in Kay Elle. *Gulpppp* I am kinda nervous. Hehe...We will be traveling to KL early in the morning, having lunch with dad (and maybe a few relatives)... and then making it back to Penang later that evening.

Today, I didn't get much done...but it was a gloriously simple day of rest. Slept-in the whole morning (dunno why I was so tired), had lunch, went vitamins-shopping and grocery-shopping in the afternoon, tidied up the house a little, did some exercise in front of the telly, ate dinner... and did QT.

Prayed - and felt a sense of relief somehow when I remembered something I read somewhere - about how God hushes and interrupts the Heavenly proceedings to listen to the prayers of the saints coming up from the earth. It's a wonder how God can make out who is calling upon His name every time... And yet He does!

Gonna spend some time reading - and then it will be time for bed.

Seminarian steamboat gathering photos... Courtesy of Pamelyn Teh

Tuesday

Struggling to keep up with the pace of life. *Inhale* *Exhale* *Inhale* *Exhale*

But thank God, I am surviving. Therefore, I am very glad to say that this is my last week at MBTS this year.

Next year, January, I return as a student in the Master of Christian Studies. It means graduation end of 2011, more quality in assignments and more time with God. It also means that I'd have to slowly start moving into the work I'd be embarking on once I am done with my masters... If this means having to travel more, then traveling is what I'll be doing on a more frequent basis. If this means having to spend more time at home, then let it be so. If this means having to put more effort into writing, then that's what I'm gonna do.

In other words, next year is going to be an exciting year on the whole. It's exciting to be unconventional (because that's generally the pattern for my life - I am not saying that we need to be unconventional all the time) while prayerfully taking every step. It's exciting to take time to wait...rather than rush into great conquests just because I fear that I'd miss out on great opportunities. It's also exciting when it is time to step out in faith and embark on new things, when you clearly know that God is leading you to it. Perhaps, these 7-8 years in God's School of Waiting has been good discipline for me. I am slowly learning not to be the careless and impulsive opportunist I've always been all my life - and walk according to God's timing. While I still have got much to learn, it has been awesome so far.

OK. Back to assignments and meeting deadlines... ttyl!

Humbling Wednesday

Firstly... my translation stint in the chapel today went OK... even though I was too soft on the microphone. I apologize for that. It's nothing to do with the sound tech people of course. I was exceptionally nervous, unsure if I had translated correctly (from Mandarin to English) and my head was turned toward the projected images on the white canvas to help me understand what Fung Hain was getting at in Mandarin - thus the inability to "project my voice". It was way, way humbling especially when someone later commented: "... You should not whisper sweet nothings on stage, you know..."

Gosh... :'(

Was kind of discouraged. The obsessive part of me began to ruminate on those very words, and I started despising myself. Last time, I'd go as far as punishing myself, but today, God's grace is helping me to understand that I cannot be good at everything. If I try my best to learn as much as I can, do my best and have a teachable heart, it will be sufficient.

Ah, God have Your way in me. If this is where You want me to learn what I have to learn, help me to do it cheerfully despite the fiery darts received. At least, most of the translations were correct. I am grateful that Fung Hain affirmed me after I had translated every sentence, some of my extremely loyal classmates came over after missions chapel to tell me that I did OK - and Pastor Daniel even told me: "It was a good translation..."

Thanks, guys! You are so sweet... :) All glory and praise to God.

At least, today's presentation is over. Don't think about it anymore, Grace.

Secondly, due to the build-up of stress and fearing a nervous breakdown (yes, I am not kidding!), I decided (for the sake of my sanity as well as the upcoming mission trip for which I have yet to prepare) to drop a precious subject - B.I of the Book of Philippians. *Colossal, humongous sigh* It was definitely not an easy process to drop the subject. I filled in the subject-drop form feeling deeply embarrassed somehow... and then I had to go and get my form signed by Dr. Lawson (the lecturer for Book of Philippians) and my academic dean, Dr. Sunny. Thankfully, they were so nice about it.

Outside, the rain pours with wild abandon. My head and heart aches. *Sobs* God, please be merciful to me - for I can depend on nobody but You. Your child looks to Your providence, seeks Your voice in her wilderness and holds on to every bit of hope Your Word gives. Pray, grant me Your sweet relief. In Jesus' name, amen.

Friday

This was the end of an extremely tiring day... thankful for dinner with Ben.

This was the very stress-inducing atmosphere in my classroom tthat day...

Everyone was studying (yeah, like majorly studying) for exam. I was not stressed because there was alot to memorize... but because everyone around me was stressed! :/

OK, maybe some people were taking a nap during lunch break...

But most people were working hard...

After the exam... me, Gaurri and Serena.

I look positively 'charn'

After the long weekend...

School starts tomorrow. *Groan*

I'm rather gloomy today...but I am happy that Ben and I got to have dinner with Matthew and Kevin. I am also thankful that Ben has been ever so sweet to help me get my house ready for school over the long weekend...

You see, we've had major renovation works in here for the past few weeks (coz it's part of the wedding preparations)...In the past 2 weeks, we needed some help with the windows, air-con and awning... and since I was on holiday, we called in the amazing service-providers to help us with the mentioned. As a result, the tiny flat I live in (which will be our first house after we're married) was all dusty-musty and really unpleasant to live in - since I returned from Poland. Things were everywhere, dust was everywhere too... Yes, even my lumpy-bumpy sofa had been given away... and the only comfortable spot was my bed. Ben came to help me clean up the whole place, re-organize, fix the lights, paint the second room... and now, my humble abode looks extremely cosy again even though it's minus my favorite sofa... *snuggles*

If you are wondering why we are getting the house ready now, when the wedding is only in May next year... well, we've been doing the house bit by bit since the beginning of this year... and we plan to continue to do it bit by bit till we begin our lives together as husband and wife. Most of the facelift is D.I.Y - we paint the walls ourselves, put up the shelves ourselves, construct the furnitures... scout around for good bargains (furniture, simple decos, etc) whenever we are free... etc. It is a great way to save money - while God has been so faithful to provide, we felt that we needed to be good stewards of the money and not spend unnecessarily. Planning, designing and working on the house together has also strengthened our relationship. Ben's parents have helped us alot... and it was fun to work together with the family as well (although, I must say...that I do the least work)

Yup, yup...so that's a little about the wedding prep...

And yes... back to what I was saying - the new school term starts tomorrow!!!

Thank God, Dr. Vincent's assignments are done... I have Dr. Brewster's CCM paper to write still...

Ice Kacang & Puppy Love...

I thought I'd watch 'Ice Kacang Puppy Love' for laughs yesterday night...Armed myself with chips and stuff. The results were quite...um... unbelievable.

I ended up howling and bawling like a baby instead. (Much to Ben's bewilderment, poor guy...) *Wet eyes, sniffling nose and alot of toilet paper displaced from the bathroom into the dustbin, soggy from their brief encounter with my nose...*

Sigh... Ah well, I liked it that it was so real - not your typical 'Happily after ever' ending. It is how most of my 'stories' ended in the past too... so it just reminded me of a few people I know... *cough* Also, it was a very good, touching and artistic Malaysian production, I am proud to say. Highly recommended.

Malaysia boleh!

Nevertheless, an emofy-ing dream plagued my sleep last night. To my surprise, the person I thought and dreamt of texted me this morning... out of the blue! Life is full of surprises, I know... but this cannot be a co-incidence I think. Perhaps, it is a clear sign that I should pray more fervently for her. Lord, please give her the rainbow of your covenant.

I had lunch with Ee Ling this afternoon, for which I am uberly grateful. You see, in the past few days, I have been trying to pray and figure out what to do about my life. Today, I voiced out my thoughts to E.L, and she was so encouraging about it that I feel so assured now. Man, I seem to be walking the most unconventional paths ever -___-" ...But if this is the way to stay in the center of God's will... I'd love to say this some day: "It has been great adventure...It also has been great fun..." ~ and Jesus shall be my Lord forever and ever.I'm on a mission!!!

Third Day... and at a cross of roads...

Third day of shoving my way through pages of words, still hoping for key-words to light up in neon and digging out all the relevant data I can get (without plagiarism - how tempting)!

Thank God for a good break from the exegesis last night though. Had dinner with my beautiful friend, Rachel, whose faith always encourages and inspires me somehow. Later in the evening, Ben took me out for a drink at the mamak stall. I continued my assignments after we slurped down the last of our iced milos. *alas* Nevertheless, I ended the 'earlier' part of my evening with a big smile!

After a nearly sleepless night (brain went over-active after the vigorous mental exercises), I had to roll out of bed early this morning to drive to MBTS for a appointment with our academic dean. (Yes, I made an appointment with Dr. Sunny out of desperation...)

Great. I am right smack on yet another crossroads.

Basically Dr. Sunny gave me another option in pursuing my studies at MBTS - which actually (now that I think of it) fits better with my situation... i.e. Master of Christian Studies (MCs).

MCs offers much of the foundation needed if I were to pursue a more specific major in the future, while covering the relevant areas of equipping for servant leadership or full-time church vocation even... I am starting to feel more and more that M.Div is really too long a course for one who is not sure that she is called to be a pastor.... and even so, Dr. Sunny said that MCs would suffice.

If I do switch to MCs, I will be able to graduate end of next year (no internship needed), start working in a field of interest, be free of assignments and gosh... the best part? - I can finally bless people (and Rachel Chan won't have to threaten me with the nasi lemak thingy :P - coz I will be able to buy her better meals...and she cannot stop me from paying anymore...)

Dr. Sunny's words echo in my head. "Do you really need an M.Div?" Seriously, if M.Div is just going to be an academic title for me, then why should I need to pursue it so ardently? Ultimately, servanthood in the Kingdom of God is about the heart. With MCs, the right heart and the Holy Spirit, what more can I ask for?

Having said that, I am still not sure of course. I need to pray about this.

Starting assignments today!!!

*cheers* --> half-hearted one...but may God help me to fully enjoy myself piah-ing these 2 weeks... :P

Anyway, was driving to the bank today... and I thought... how clever my brain is... particularly when it comes to money.

Every month, I can keep mental accounts of how much I've spent from a certain fund and how much of the quota I have left for the month (eg. petrol fund, utility bills fund, food fund, etc).... remember how much money I have left in the bank (and panic a bit)... strategize how to move money around all the funds that I can spend more on food (bare necessities)...

On top of it, when my cerebrum perceives that my funds are dropping drastically or forsees great future expenditures happening - the part of my brain that controls my emotions will make sure that I feel 'emo' so that I become extremely kiam-siap and start stinging like crazy. And then since the soul (mind, will and emotions) and the spirit are connected, I will be influenced (when helpless) to pray to God and ask for more provisions.

Seminary life not only equips the brain... but it sure helps other centers of the brain to develop too.

of cracked heels, sprained ankle... and peeling skin...

Our mission team to Elblag...

These are what I ended up with - after a whole month in Europe... no thanks to walking culture-'re'-shock, desiccating weather... and an embarrassing affair of carelessly stepping out of the Elblag Baptist Church van in the dark with my wedges on...

Thankfully the peeling skin is now well - yaay to the superb white-grape-and-aloe-vera moisturizing lotion I purchased from the Roman Bath Museum. I am still waiting for the ankle to heal... and I know I should use the cream for cracked heels... (malasnya)

Nevertheless, all good memories stay. It has been a tiring month... but I did learn alot of new things.

The end of August is approaching quickly...and thus, I enter the final quarter of 2010 and the 3rd term of the seminary year. I am in dire need of meeting up with Dr. S. Tan (my academic dean) to discuss my practicum and to look into the possibilities of graduating next year instead of 2012 (I know it's kinda impossible, but if God wills... ) - Another 2 long years of student life on top of 5 years of med school and 1.5 years of seminary are kinda undesirable to me although the equipping is good... :P - I will also need to start working on the marriage (as in our married life) soon - this has got to be a ministry by itself, I really want to serve without being bogged down by assignments... and last but not least, I desire to work. Perhaps not as a pastor (definitely feel uncomfortable if people were to call me pastor - or wear the blazer Peky joked that I would have to wear :P), although I may still be much involved in pastoral work and discipleship... but whatever that is in my heart right now... with all that God has placed in me.

This weekend, my hubby-to-be and I would be really busy with further renovation works to our apartment, a cg-member's house-warming party, banks, church duties... and as for myself, I do hope to be at least a little more productive with my assignments... *sheepish*