Wetness-day...

A wet morning, with the puddles of rain splashing around my ankles.

I am taking quite a challenging course this week... 'Child development and functioning in families and the community'. It kinda forces me out of my comfort zone because I can't help but address the things of the past. Especially my childhood and adolescence. Sometimes, my own scars startle me and I have to try and hide the wetness in my eyes.

I assure you that I am not making a mountain out of a molehill. And no, you don't have to feel sorry for me... :)

~ Well, at least I won't get to merely sweep things under the carpet and go on carrying emotional baggages for the rest of my life. Painful as it is, I pray that addressing those issues would allow their proper closure... and I don't have to pass them down to my kids in the future. Or those whom I minister to.

Got a bit discouraged in the afternoon about certain MBTS-unrelated stuff. I believe that God has been teaching me to deny my strong-headedness, my want of control, distrust for people and rebellion - I am slowly letting go, taking less responsibilities upon myself (and I really mean the unnecessary ones!), submitting and allowing Him to take control of my circumstances. Painful, depressing and unsettling it may be. But greater is the freedom, I feel. Give me a gentle and quiet spirit, O God... and may I be contented in Your love.

Toast-day...

Just up from a nap...

Did quiet-time before I popped in between the sheets... my eyes were starting to get really watery and their lids heavy like lead. I even spilled some coffee powder over myself while making myself a cuppa. That was the last straw. No coffee could have kept me up much longer.

I am so proud of myself - that I did not sleep for 2 hours or something :P - I woke up after 45 minutes... I can't say that I have detached myself completely from sleep yet...I am still really groggy. *Yawwwnnnnnn...* *Rawrrrrrr* @_@

According to Freud's id, ego and super-ego theory (although I don't fully agree with his theory of moral reasoning), I am pretty sure that my 'id' is hopping mad that I did not lie down a little longer.

What I will need to do later: my reflection paper for Dr. Rosalind...and continuation of my pastoral counseling homework.

Now, hopefully I've got a smile to serve... coz I am going to pray... if you will excuzie mua...

The start of a heavy week...

Back from school. Just downed some potato chips. Enjoying my cup of coffee... before I get into my reflection paper... and deciphering last week's taped counseling session with Vanessa.

Dr. Rosalind's class again this week: Child development and functioning in the family and community.

Need some solid prayer time after this... Oh, Lord...please let me be awake *_*...

Next week, I have a friend coming to Penang from Dublin to visit me. She used to be a church-mate, CG mate before she moved back to Cork, and an ex-neighbour, whose house I used to frequently hang-out at... Coincidentally (actually, I believe this is no accident), I will be having my mid-sem one-week break, so I get to spend quality time with her and bring her around Penang! :) *Excited* We have not met for 4 years already... Never thought we'd ever meet again on this side of eternity... but we are going to meet after all. Praise God for granting us such a precious opportunity.

Because she talks at lightning-speed (all Irish who originate from county Cork talk like that), I need to prepare my ears and brain (to process many, many more words per second - perhaps 3-4X the normal speech volume) for our catch-up sessions... hehe. Also, I need to think of some places to bring her. (Oh, Ben Wong... why aren't you around when I need you?? :P)

That was us in year 2006, in our bulky spring clothing...and yes, my face was round. I kid you not! :)

Mission trip

I can't believe it! Mission trip is in roughly 2 weeks time.

So not prepared - need to pray more. I haven't even packed or thought of buying stuff for the trip.

Europe, oh Europe... I come back! Poland, this will be my first time stepping foot into your beautiful land. London, I'm back for the 3rd time - I don't think you've gotten tired of me yet! :)

England, I am so glad that I am going to see a little more of you this trip. I pray... more of you, next trip - although I have no idea when it is going to be!

And the nicest reward I have at the end of my mission trip - a week with my younger sister, Zoey.

It's going to be tough keeping in contact with Ben once I am there (and he will still be in the States) - I am so NOT looking forward to this part - but oh well... God, I lean on Your faithfulness to keep us together as we keep close to You.

Sunday

Was a WAM enabler this morning.

Went for lunch with church friends at Batu Lanchang market after service 2 was over. Thanks Sau Chan for driving! :)

Went for coffee on my own, armed with a good book - 'These Strange Ashes' by Elisabeth Elliot - lent to me by Rachel. A very challenging book to read... I felt tears pricking my eyelids at random moments... but I felt very ministered to... and encouraged about my own circumstances. Thank You, God.

Went grocery-shopping... treated myself to a cool purchase, i.e. a new brand of chips I've never tried before. (note: I am actually quite the potato-chips fan... although I don't have them all the time - in fact I limit potato-chips consumption because of the sodium and heatiness... also, I have to preserve my voice - I do enjoy trying out all the different brands in the supermarket...very occasionally, I treat myself to imported brands. If I am in my 'sampling' mode, one bag can last me a few days.)

Had dinner with Ben's dad, mum and bro at Sah Tio Lo ("Three roads" in Hokkien) - they gave me a good feeding - from fish tomyam noodles to Satay to Ho chien.... *burp* Just so that James will not say that I am 'tam chiak' if he happens to read this, I shall not brag about how happy my tummy is right now. LOLx.

Skyped with Ben... did the laundry...worked out my to-do-list for the week... emailed some people... watched some telly... chillax...

This is how I spent my Sunday.

Now I am about to turn in for bed. Here's to another week of intensives and a week of class-monitor duties for me. Eeeeeeeks.

Pics of my successful table-constructing...

The box of wood and tools after I brought it home and before I opened it up...

This was when I started to have doubts... right after I saw the wood and the screws, nuts, etc...

I found Uncle Wong's old hammer lying around in the store-room and decided that it would be a good help...

After 3 hours...

After 2 more hours (I think)...

Saturday

Today, I happened to chat with 2 brothers... who had in various points in my life brought me much joy and encouragement in their own special (and precious) ways... It was so good catching up with them. In a way, it was God's way of answering a prayer that I cried out yesterday in my desperate, thirsty state - "God, please send me a clear sign that You love me..." Speaking to my brothers and remembering how God had truly touched my life through the brotherly love I received from each and every one of them was refreshing.

Thank you brothers...for teaching me amazing lessons on being a sister.

Then a 3rd brother suddenly texted me out of nowhere... and I felt even more comforted. Thank you so much for being an answer to my prayers. :)

Sometimes, one can feel so alone in his/her struggles. There's always a fear in me that I might be abandoned. I lie if I say that I have never felt that God was faraway from me. This weekend for instance, He seems so far, yet so near. So distant and cold... yet His love is still warm, evident and tangible even in the most abstract of ways. I actually do feel like one who is weeping and pining for her Lover - anxious not to lose sight of Him. Anxious not to be abandoned. My first Love - Jesus. And a child I am... of the great Heavenly Father - crying in the scary wilderness for Him to take my hand and lead me out.

Dear God... You are indeed a mystery to me... I cannot live without You, so please keep me in Your presence, listen to the cry of my heart and do not delay coming to my rescue. Nobody can fully satisfy me...but You and You alone. More of You, Jesus... More of You.

Um... just wondering.. is there such thing as separation anxiety in a child of God? Have I yet to develop 'object permanence'?

Midnight ramblings...

Peace of the Lord... that's one important ingredient of my life.

Without it, I'd feel extremely bothered and dysfunctional.

So what kind of peace is that, you ask...

Well ~ the peace of knowing that He loves me despite my weaknesses and gives me grace to transform.... and that He would not leave nor forsake me. There are no abandoned children in the Kingdom of God.

The peace of knowing that great was His lovingkindness to even the 'bad-eggs' in the Bible, socially unaccepted and outcasts, the orphans, the widows, the mistreated, etc... and His readiness to forgive the repentant through what Christ has done on the cross. Even the thief who accepted Christ's Lordship just before he died... I am sure I will meet this forgiven thief on the other side of eternity.... I am most interested, what made him do it. What did he see, when the rest apparently saw Jesus bleeding, bruised and broken - and hurled insults and condemnation at Him?

The peace of knowing that He would dine with me, just as Jesus dined with the sinners (tax-collectors) 2000++ years ago... that He had high regard for women and children, even while the society in those days did not - He saw them as important people, and gave dignity to them.

The peace of knowing that I've got a purpose to live for in this life He has given me - and that He's not done with me yet. The wonder of marvelling upon this: even while I was in my mother's womb, He already knew me... and it was He, who watched me grow into the baby He knew I'd become even before I was made.

The peace of remembering that as He has been faithful to me in the past, He can surely be faithful to me today... tomorrow... and forevermore.

The peace of God that surpasses all understanding... that would guard my heart and mind in Christ... while I wait on Him to work in my life.

Friday

I spent almost the whole day moping and brooding... then praise God for Rachel... who came to take me out for dinner...

There's nothing like spending time with a close friend who's very dear to the heart... when one's having a rough time. Or a lonely, Friday night. *_*

Didn't blog last night... but well, I am happy to share that I successfully constructed a computer desk from all the wood, screws, nails, etc that came in the 20kg box I lugged home from Tesco's yesterday evening. It took me roughly 3 hours...and my hands are still aching today from the exertion of using a terrible, low-quality allen's key provided in the box. *Phew*

Wednesday... mid-week blog...

Today... a humbling day indeed... but I thank God for His mercy and grace. We sometimes take for granted 'mercy and grace' - but to one who is truly aware of his/her inadequacies, shortcomings and weaknesses... these are fresh, living water to a parched soul.

I read Psalm 103. It comforted me.

Recently, I've gone back to reading the Old Testament from the very beginning... It refreshes me to see how God worked mightily in the lives of my spiritual forefathers - and it had nothing to do with what they could give God. No - in fact, they were far from being perfect; they rebelled dreadfully against God's love - and yet, God mercifully reached out to them. It was all about God. Grace and redemption did not begin only when God came to the earth in the person of Jesus Christ to be crucified for our sins... but even from the day God turned Adam and Eve out from the Garden of Eden, there was grace and the promise of redemption...

Genesis 3:21-24 - '...The LORD God made garments of skin for Adam and his wife, and clothed them...Then the LORD God said, "Behold, the man has become like one of Us, knowing good and evil; and now lest he stretch out his hand, and take also from the tree of life, and eat, and live forever" - therefore the LORD God sent him out from the garden of Eden, to cultivate the ground from which he was taken. So He drove the man out; and at the east of the garden of Eden He stationed the cherubim, and the flaming sword which turned every direction, to guard the way to the tree of life..."

1. Garments of skin - this was an act of grace - and the promise of redemption. God did not send them out to perish naked....but to be fruitful and multiply (even in their fallen state) until He sent the Messiah to the world.

2. Not allowing Adam and Eve to eat from the tree of life (this is not the tree of good and evil btw) which they were free to eat from before the fall. Imagine, if they had continued to stay in the Garden... and eat from the tree of life... and live forever...sin and all. We think this is such harsh treatment for man... but really, it's a good thing. Now, when we die the first death... we know we shall live eternal lives - if we have accepted God's gift of salvation Jesus came to give. This was an act of redemption by itself - and the promise of grace.

How marvellous is the Word of God...

Wednesday

Tuesday

Taught piano.
Skyped.
Had lunch.
Spent time with God.
Grocery-shopped.
Cooked dinner.
Had dinner.
Tidied up home. (still tidying)
Skyped.
Watched TV.

Blogging...

my week off...

SO thankful for this week of rest I get in the midst of the STCM intensives. It's doing me good just not having to wake up super-early for classes. I'm appreciating the amount of time I have to just chillax in the presence of God, tidy up my home, reflect, have some 'me-alone' time... and even cook nicer meals for myself. XD

People think that seminarians (mostly pastors and church workers in training) are very 'spiritual'... but I realized in the past year, that it is sometimes even more difficult to draw near to God when one is in the seminary. You can get so distracted with all the different events and programs going on, so saturated with head-knowledge and it is incredibly easy to neglect proper QT when the assignment deadlines draw near - or even assume that you've done your QT - when what you've done is just to prepare to lead the next Bible study/to preach the next sermon/to minister to so-and-so... I honestly struggle. I appreciate the equipping God has provided me to undergo... and I love being with the so-called 'spiritual' people (indeed, they are men and women who love God and serve Him very faithfully) - but in actual fact, many of us struggle with the 'spiritual' image (and in a way, expectations), when it is much harder than others can imagine to be spiritual, keep close to God and not be discouraged in the ministry.

Having said that, nobody should feel that his/her vocation is of a lesser/lower calling or second rate or less 'spiritual' compared to that of church workers, pastors, etc. 'Full-time ministry' is in whatever you do on a daily basis that serves the purposes of God in wherever He has placed and called you. If it is washing toilets, changing nappies, driving kids to school, making sure they do their homework, nurturing them, cooking 3 meals per day, working from the home, praying, encouraging your hubby when he comes home tired from work... so be it. May we do it with utmost joy and passion in our hearts...

I use that example because that's probably what I'll do one day - my ultimate ministry, aside from other stuff I've been equipped to do. May I never, never neglect my greatest calling in life for something others deem more 'spiritual' just because I am pressured to do so. Even if I were to lead many Bible studies, do brilliant researches, bring many to know the Lord, serve the troubled and needy and do much with my God-given gifts... I'd still fall short of being a '...good and faithful servant' if my children do not receive enough of mummy's attention that they grow up lacking something that I failed to give them when they were young - just because they did not fit into my schedule of 'important' tasks.

Just a few days ago, I was thinking - if families functioned the way they should; if daddies and mummies strove to be godly and to raise up their children in the ways of the LORD (rather than merely give material gifts bought with overly hard-earned money to keep their children happy); if people made relationships-buildings their priority, even cross-culturally and trans-generationally; if everyone served in church with their various gifts; if everyone was passionate about missions and community work; if everyone took discipleship and their vocation seriously (and I don't mean just earning money - but being missionary in the harvest-fields of the workplaces) - ONLY IF - then the church wouldn't have so much need for fulltime-workers. But of course, we don't live in such an ideal, perfect world.

Monday.... OFF-DAY!!!

*Pardon the mess in my room...* I need to do major spring-cleaning...

Finally, an off-day after 2 weeks of intensives... Monday-Sunday-work kind of thing. *Phew* Since I felt a little anti-social, I spent the whole day alone... and enjoyed it. I felt like my own best friend... after God, of course!

Let's see... I slept in (it rained all through the night...and the whole day... so my bed felt extra snuggly-wuggly...), went out for lunch, had coffee with God in the afternoon, watched a movie at Queensbay Mall on my own for the very first time since I returned from Dublin, came back... did a little exercise while watching TV (hee hee)... and then I skyped with Ben. *heart feels warm* Felt like my off-day was well-spent indeed.

The 'Karate Kid' movie was great! Not many people were in the hall I was in (since it's a week day). I munched on potato chips throughout the movie. Had some flashbacks of myself back in Dublin - when I used to watch movies at UGC alone on Saturday afternoons when I wasn't teaching the kids piano/ doing stuff at church/ hanging out at the harbour, etc ...I'd eat salted popcorn (I don't know why the popcorn in Dublin was salty instead of sweet - and caramel popcorn cost a bomb!) or nachos with cheese dips while watching the movie... and then after the movie was over, I'd have to walk through a dark alley (somewhere in Dublin 1) to get to the bus-stop... Since it was so dark, I'd always pray very, very hard...

*a nolstalgic moment*

Anyway, I always feel very blessed that God had arranged for me to enjoy those few years in Dublin (sometimes, I just wish I could go back there @_@)... but I know that the best has yet to come!:) ~ coz I am going to spend many years after this, wherever I am (in Malaysia or out of Malaysia), with the man I love the most.

Somemore class pics from C&S... Photo credits: Eunice Ong

Good students... listening to teacher :P

Sleepy students... during break-time (see my cup of coffee?)

Class photo one...that's our teacher - Dr. Rosalind, in black... 3rd from the left, backrow...

Class photo 2

Class photo 3 --> the most hyper...

The phobia...

Actually... one of my greatest dreads/fears related to getting married...

...jeng, jeng, jeng...

....is the mother-in-law part - thanks to the many TVB dramas I've watched as a kid (as well as the sad stories I've heard from the people around me). Back then, every time I thought about getting married... my heart would sink... coz I could so picture myself playing the part of Cinderella... bullied, pushed around, etc...because I am not a very 'fast' person...

I am your typical melancholic-phlegmatic girl... who moves around very slowly... takes my own sweet time...observes, contemplates, analyses (sometimes over the top), is very concerned about aesthetics, is super emo, is a perfectionist and doesn't deal very well with emergencies or adapt to sudden changes (yeah, balanced combination of my mel- and phleg- characteristics)... I can be expressionless - even though I am being faced with emotionally-challenging situations... (you can ask my sister - she used to complain when we watched funny scenes on movies, "How come, so funny...and your face still so serious???") The truth is, even when I feel extremely tickled inside... sometimes, I am just too lazy to laugh...or my brain forgets to command my facial muscles to lift up the corners of my mouth!!! :P Also, I tend to react slower to jokes... Ben often teases me that I '...laugh one second later'...

Choleric people may get impatient working with me... While, I am better now than before (transformation not completed yet), I've always feared getting on the nerves of a choleric and over-controlling mother-in-law...

Nowadays, I still watch Singaporean mandarin dramas which depict such tension in the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship.

I brought this fear up to some of my seminary friends recently... and they gave me very good and practical advice. However, it was Ee Ling mei-mei, who helped me the most and put my fears at ease - when I met up with her for brunch on Saturday morning...

Her conviction: Godly, Christian mothers-in-law who love Jesus are really different.

My conviction (after reflecting on the godly, Christian women I know... who have daughters-in-law): Ee Ling mei is right!

I also came to see that I've been feeling 'not good enough', because of the too high expectations I put on myself.

Anyway...

I felt very touched today... that even though Ben is away, Ben's parents came to take me out for dinner this evening after 3rd service at church was over. The five of us - Uncle and Aunty Wong, James and Xu Wen (James' beautiful gf) - made an eating trip to Love Lane... Indeed, I felt so loved :)

My point is this...

God has been really good and gracious to first, give me a wonderful husband (of course, not without his imperfections)... and then, give me an amazing mother-in-law (of course the rest of the family too :P) - I can't remember if I ever prayed about the mother-in-law part (I could have, seeing that it was a big "phobia" for me!) - but also perhaps, God already knew that I wouldn't be able to take any bullying and harshness, because I'd cry easily :P and get very disheartened that I might even fail to function in the marriage. Aunty Wong was already amazing even before she invited Jesus into her heart... but now that she's a prayerful woman who loves God, she really is a mother (and housewife) whom I'd emulate... of course, apart from my very own.

I really hope that I'd be a good daughter-in-law someday... :P

Saturday

Had an awesome morning going with a younger sis-in-Christ, Ee Ling. We went to Austin Chase cafe in Queensbay Mall... I was not too impressed with the food (but to be fair, this was only my first time here) ... but I did have a great time catching-up with Ee Ling, who's just passed her med-and-surg exam finals with flying colours (congrats, dear... and yes, PRAISE GOD!!!)... A meaningful date. Such a comfort to talk to my dear sisters. God has been good and gracious to me indeed. If it weren't for them, I would.. I would have 'perished' in my own struggles, woes, fears, low self-image and insecurities.

More and more "goodbyes" to be said... and farewells to be bade. What a season... Perhaps - just perhaps, I am being weaned myself... for a whole new chapter in my book of life... when I shall start of afresh... in a new place, in a new community of believers, in a new work, etc...

God, if it is Your will...... please provide. We can depend on no one... but You.

I went to the hair-saloon for a trim in the afternoon... and then had dinner with Janet, William, Sau Chan and Xu Wen... before we watched Toys Story 3 at Queensbay. I did enjoy the movie... although we had to spend some time lepak-ing in between dinner and the movie :P - during which, nobody had any idea what to do and where to go in the mall...

Talking about movies... we do know of some friends who have not gone to the cinema their entire lives! One of them is - an elderly aunty in church... When she told us that she's never stepped into a cinema before, Ben decided that he would pull her leg... so he said, "It's a good thing that you didn't! Don't ever go. You would have to stand throughout the entire movie!!!" Our aunty-friend looked quite horrified... you should have seen us laughing like mad when we heard her answer... "Really arr?" @_@ So, so naughty. Later of course, Ben confessed... or did I say, "NOLAR!" ??? I can't remember already.

I miss Ben so much. This is my 3rd weekend without him.

That's today. I realize recently that my thoughts are harder and harder to express in words... sometimes, they aren't even thoughts... but feelings deep down inside, too intricate to be simplified and expressed by one word - "emo". They only straighten out when I talk to God - in simple words and sentences...and cry a little. Yet, it is so hard for me to put them into words here on my blog - and I won't attempt to do so :) Let them be just between me and my Father in Heaven who loves me so.

End of 'Childhood and Spirituality' course...

Eunice (from Penang) and Am (from Chiang Mai)

Vandek (frm. Cambodia)

Heidy from Papua... Vandek reading his 'dear God' reflection... and Dr. Rosalind (our lecturer)

Im (Cambodia), Heidy, Maurice (frm Miri) and Eunice

me and Gauri (frm Canning Garden Methodist Church, Ipoh)

(note to self: I need a hair-cut! ~ and NO, NO, NO layers or funny fringe this time, please... )

Anyway...it was one of the best classes I have taken so far. Praise God for Dr. Rosalind (really appreciate all her hard work and creativity in making the course so informative, interesting and excellent)... and the rest of my classmates who made it happen!

I am thanking God that although this week was really challenging and I was pretty emo, He still blessed me with the opportunity to attend this course... For all its intensiveness and the long hours, I do hope that I will somehow be able to apply the stuff I have learnt to ministry in the future - church, community or even in my own family.

Next on my assignments list... Mrs. Marsha Lawson's pastoral counseling assignments... and Dr. Vincent Ooi's OTS2 exegesis paper @_@... I also need to start preparing for the Poland mission trip... can't believe - It's NEXT MONTH!!!

T.G.I.F

Today, my heart was sad. Actually, it began yesterday night. Totally dislike being emotional like this...

Sometimes, I don't understand. I know I have loads of weaknesses... but are they really so difficult to accept?

But I prayed... and I hope God would intervene somehow...

Thursday...

Dear God, if I could paint You a picture,
one that would make You smile,
I would paint a child's laughter
and sunshine in her eyes...
She'd be dancing in a white dress
with flowers in her hand,
the wind caressing her silken hair
as she twirls upon the sand...
What makes her laughter special
is the pain she used to feel
for hurts she never understood
while they were all so real...

One day she learned about a little pearl
that did not know her name
She never thought herself as beautiful
coz her shell was ugly, all the same.
Yet one day, a merchant came,
and was mesmerized by her shine,
She thought, he would surely bargain
but he paid for her the full price.
Only later did she find out
that he had sold all to buy her,
given up all he could possibly give,
to redeem the special pearl. (Matt 13:45-46)

Someone had told the girl about Jesus,
of how God so loved the world that He came as Son of Man.
To die on the cross for our sins that we may live,
was buried but rose again...
The girl realized how it felt to be the little pearl
whose worth she didn't know
till the merchant gave up all he had to purchase
that very special pearl he chose.
The girl realized that while her troubles did not go away
she could now bear to live with her pain...
because she had now found the Papa,
who had been calling her all this while by name.

So yes, God... if I were to paint You this picture,
to put a smile on Your face
I would sing the song she's singing
because I am like her, only by Your grace.

Wednesday...

First of all... I want to express my utmost gratitude to my dear friends, Ai Hua and Matthew ~ for giving me the space to vent my muddled up, suppressed frustrations about stuff today... for hearing me out (even the outbursts) and not judging me in any way. Thank you.

I spent my earlier years of Christian spiritual formation in Dublin/UK. It was really a beautiful spiritual 'childhood' for me, even while I was going through a difficult time with many baggages from the past. If it weren't for those years I spent in that part of the world... and if it weren't for those people who colored my world during those years, I probably wouldn't be where I am today, doing what I am doing. Then of course, when I came back to Penang, if it weren't for my multi-denominational group of close friends who served alongside me in the PMCFS and Ben, I probably wouldn't be the way I am today.

I've come very far ever since.

But you know what it's like - sometimes when you are grown-up, you've left 'home', and you come to a pit-stop in life, you just wish that you were '..small and Christmas trees were tall..' kind of thing?

Well, I feel like I am now in a gigantic pit-stop. It was OK when there was still company - but after graduation (me thinks) - my company left, but I had to stay. It has been over 2 years... but I haven't gotten out from the pit-stop yet even though my life has been moving on. No doubt I have grown. I have learned new things. I have had my fair share of mistakes and mischief. I have fallen down countless times, grazed my knees and cried... but I have learnt how to get up and walk again. I've learnt to move on, even if it's on my own. But... this pit-stop is pretty strange... I've got a feeling I'm in the wilderness rather than a pit-stop. A very lonely one. I'm just afraid that if I don't find my way out soon, I might die alone... and no one would even know! ~ Actually I do know the way out... and what caused it.... but I just don't know how to leave. People who like being in the wilderness actually find it pretty comfy here; they like it here - but I guess, perhaps I run for a very different goal in mind... so I am dying trying to be comfy here.

I feel like a duck that somehow went for a stay hen's coop. The hens are nice and friendly - they welcome me as their fellow bird... but I am still a duck. And I wish to swim.

Today, I wished I could turn back time. And go 'home'.

Sorry, if this blog post doesn't make sense... I am just venting... yes, again.

Class bytes...

This is my 2nd week in HCD courses... and so far, I am loving it. (HCD = Holistic Child Development major) ~ I did not take any HCD courses in the past year... so it was something new and interesting for me...

The class I am taking this week: Children and Spirituality - by Dr. Rosalind. Really good course. In fact, I feel that it's one of the best I have ever attended so far. Ample time for reflection, play and creative expressions. Very deep and insightful yet simple. The pic above shows the various emotional and spiritual expressions of my classmates and I... through art.

It was really fun. We learned through play too.

Farm story...

Pak Lukas :)

moi... :)

Tuesday: EXHAUSTED!

I only slept 1.5 hour yesterday night...thanks to my assignment deadline.

At 2am last night (this morning), I completed my paper.

When I transferred my file to the printing PC (the computer I use to print my work), I realized that there were alot of mysterious tables in my paper...which I never intended to put into my work. When I tried to edit it on the printing PC, the keyboard decided to forsake me...and it stopped working altogether. Since I could not print out my work without removing all the mysterious tables and reformatting my whole paper, and since the editing required quite alot of work with the keyboard, I started panicking... The mouse alone couldn't accomplish much...and I didn't know any tricks to substitute usage of the Enter Key.

Subsequently, the printing PC gave up on me too. I was so frustrated that I burst into tears. That was at about 3am+++...

After a little prayer, texting Ben (he kept suggesting alternatives), and trying out the different alternatives (nothing worked), I suddenly remembered that Ben had left a spare PC in my house...He was supposed to give it away, but he must have forgotten about it when he left for the States... and it got stranded in my room. (What a miracle! I feel bad because I have not really appreciated its presence in my room so far...) I tried to reason with God for a while - after all, I am not a technology-savvy person. I didn't know what to do with all the wires and all (it may be simple... but seriously, wires? It just looks like a big tangle of spaghetti to me)... but I realized that since I didn't have any more options... I would try to set up the other PC and connect it to my printer.

Praise God, I was able to get the PC started up... the keyboard still wouldn't work on this PC... so I had to use the mouse to maneuver everything... Gosh, in that hour or so, I learned SO MUCH!:D While I couldn't type alphabets, I found how to do the 'Enter' thingy with the mouse, remove the tables and reformat the paper, etc... At 4.30pm, my paper was finally completed and printed out. Phew! THANK YOU, GOD!

This was the most nerve-wrecking night for me in a long while...

When I drove to school this morning, I felt as if my car was floating... *_@

Thankfully Dr. Rosalind's class on 'Children and Spirituality' was so, so interesting - that I did not fall asleep in the class! :D

Yesterday, today, forevermore...

God ~ my dwelling place...
~Psalm 90:1-2

2.40am, Sunday morning

Assignments... assignments... assignments...

I am writing an essay on 'Money and the Gospels'. It is a little difficult. I am still trying to piece together the things I want to say... research is still going on. I am getting sleepy already. I hope that I will wake up in time for Youth tomorrow. :P

Anyway....something to thank God for today - there were only 3 of us in CG today - Wei Nin, Louise and myself... but we managed to have a good one. Worship, Bible-study, sharing... and then we went for supper at Mcd's Greenlane. I had an awesome time. Thank God for friends! I cannot imagine life without them. I don't think I'd call myself an extrovert... but nowadays, I feel refreshed whenever I hang out with people. Alone can be rather depressing at times.

Also, thank God...that the 2 medical students have officially passed their final exams... and are gonna graduate as qualified doctors (and leave us) pretty soon. I am going to miss them alot.

Down...

I'd like a more happy personality... Seriously.

Outside, rain beats upon the roofs and awnings... I feel like the dark clouds in the sky... about to let down some water... Oh, silver lining. Where art thou?

My heart, my heart... know that thy Lover is present in this place. Will He not have mercy and touch thy wounds? Does He not soothe thy pain and speak loving words unto thee? Cry. Cry out to Him who hearkens His ear. May thy distresses flee in His comfort.

My Self... deny thy pinings for silk and harness thy courage. For thy God will call thee out of this storm. It is He, who parts the seas and commands the raging winds to cease. Wait, my soul... Sing praise, O my lips. Rejoice.

Friday night

Had a good dinner outing with a very dear and beautiful sister, Rachel, which really put a smile on my face. (She also unintentionally did some pretty funny things which made me laugh...) ~

Returned back home for a good 20-30 mins of Skype session with my beloved in the States...

Then... I continued chatting with my lil's sister, Zoey...

After that, I was too zonked out to do anything or feel anything... so I went to bed.

In conclusion, my Friday night was OK after all. Not as bad as I initially thought it would be.

Emo-fied...

The blog title says it all.

Ouhhhhhhhhh.... So sien... Piang eh.... thank God tonight it's Rachel Chan to the rescue! >_<

I don't know how to go through the weekend like that... I was OK before Ben came into my life. I was happy during my single-hood. I'd spend weekends on my own, doing my own thing, studying for exams, etc, etc. Sometimes I'd hang out with my friends. But for the last 2 years, Ben and I seldom spent weekends apart...whether it's breakfast dates, preparing for CG or church stuff on Saturday evenings, going to church, having dinner, etc. Now that this is going to be our 2nd weekend apart, I am having 'withdrawal symptoms'...It's honestly very difficult to try and reenact how I spent my weekends in the past - now that I am no longer single. And to think that I have many, many more of such weekends to 'look forward' to. *gulp* Really, really, really miss him... My life seems so quiet all of a sudden. I am not used to it.

But oh well, God is never far away... At least that's the comfort I have. The only constant in my life.

Even if my world turns upside down,
I know that my God will be the right way round...

Anyway, to make myself a little happier...let me share something totally random.

Today, Dr. S (our academic dean) saw me lepak-ing around the office during lunch hour... and he asked me, "So, have you changed directions yet?"

At first, I didn't understand what he was talking about. So I cautiously said, "Not yet. Perhaps..." and he grinned... I don't think he was referring to the question he threw at me yesterday.

Having given it some thought, I now realize that he meant to ask me, "Are you getting married yet?" @_@ (I think he's so clever....and yes, I am kinda slow...)

Dr. S once asked his spiritual formation class students to describe how our relationships have directed our lives...

I shared that day...that having a boyfriend has thrown me off course and changed my life direction completely. I always knew (since 2nd med) that I would someday leave the medical field for the vocation God was calling me to. However, I did not originally intend to come to MBTS in Penang. I was trying to apply to get into STM (another Christian seminary in Seremban), till the final 6 months of medical school...when I found out that Ben liked me. *gulp* Or rather, we liked one another... and there was no way of turning around somehow... When we went into courtship, I quite sadly gave up my dream (back then) to enter STM... I didn't quite like the idea of going to MBTS... but if I was to stay in Penang and get married here, I knew that I had no choice. When Pst. Jeya confirmed that I should attend seminary and get my M.Div, I just knew that God wanted me in MBTS (even though it didn't offer the courses I had wanted to take)... and here I am.

However, I now believe that this change of direction was God's will. He later revealed to me why it was much better for me to be here rather than in STM (although I have no doubt that it's a good seminary) - which I won't share here. I have no regrets coming here at all! I really love the friends I made here too. But it is so true. God uses relationships to direct our lives, because He made us relational beings... and His will is perfect.

Of course, Dr. S being Dr. S had to tease me that day, "So if you get married and if you both leave Penang, does it mean that you will leave MBTS too?"

Missionary...

Today, Dr. S challenged me, "Grace, tell me why do you not think that you are a missionary?"

Sandakan/Lahad Datu mission trip, Aug 2009

Actually, Matthew 28:18-20 makes it clear that ALL Christians are called to missions. We're all in this together. You don't have to be a Hudson Taylor, a Billy Graham or a Jim Elliot to do missions. You don't have to be a full-time church worker or a pastor to do missions. Even if you are in the marketplace...as a Christian teacher, doctor, businessman/woman ... housewife, etc, you are to fulfill God's commission and mandate - to bring to the nations God's love and the gospel, as well as to make disciples.

The term 'missionary' loosely refers to Christians who do cross-cultural evangelism. Many think that you have to be called overseas (or out-station at least) to do missions...Some think that missions involves trekking far into the jungle and meeting the rural/long-house Orang Asli's. Some feel that if we do go for a missions, it must be a longer term mission trip for us to qualify as a missionaries.

After Dr. S challenged me today, I am reminded that all of us Christians should think of ourselves as missionaries. Ambassadors for Christ in whatever field we are called to. Some missionaries are full-time evangelists (that's the kind we would traditionally approve as 'missionaries'). Some write music and create good art with their talents for the enjoyment of many. Some write good novels and books to encourage (think John Maxwell!) Some plant crops as farmers, harvest and sell them at the markets so that the people may have food. Some work diligently as house-helpers and hotel-cleaners, to keep places clean and livable. Some design houses as architects. Some do community work to help the poor, the orphaned, the widowed and the homeless. Some reach out to troubled people - those struggling with addictions, depression, low self-image, mid-life crises, etc... Some repair cars. Some are taxi drivers. Some own honest business firms to make a difference in this corruption-filled world we live in. Some run restaurants, creating delicious dishes to bless hungry stomachs. Some dedicatedly teach, while ministering to their students (this reminds me of Pn. Joanne and Pn. Yeo back in high-school - if it wasn't for them, I wouldn't have come to know what Christ did for me on the cross!) Some heal the sick as doctors. Some are homemakers to support their husbands in their callings as well as to minister to their children. Some tend to the environment and preserve the wildlife God had created from extinction. Some get involved in policy-making. Some work a 'normal job' within another culture. Etc.

Whatever we do, individually or as a team, we are to work at it with all our hearts so that we honor and please the God we love, love others, be salt and light, and share the gospel of Christ. Cross-cultural? Yes. Of course! 'Biblical' culture vs. Culture of the world at least... if not for language differences... Wherever there are different races, different generations, different worldviews... there is a place for cross-cultural missions.

So dear Christian friend, are you a missionary? I am still trying to now think of myself as one....

Week 1 of my 'engaged' life...

Quite a challenging week I must say...

It happens to be week 1 of school, week 1 of wrestling through my assignments due this few months and week 1 of Ben-in-the-States. I am sure glad that I am still coping OK... even it tends to be a little lonely around the weekends. (I am also not sure how my CG-leading will go this Saturday - coz I am replacing Ben.) I am always excited for our Skype sessions even though the connection in my house is bad half of the time...the speakers sometimes make his voice sound raspy and his breathing sound like Darth Vader from the Star Wars... =S *scary*

We try to limit the phone-calls... because while they are luxurious (and we can talk to one another properly without saying, "Huh? Pardon?" all the time), they cost a bomb. The other day I called him in his hotel room, and we chatted for a good half-an-hour before he went to work. Today, he gave me a pleasant surprise... I received a call from him while I was doing my community duty in school. Short one, but nevertheless precious. I miss you, dear!

Praise God for all joy, grace and strength.

To my lil' sister, thank you, Zoey... for keeping me company (on Skype-chat) sometimes, when I am oh, so lonely. I look forward to our short sisters-trip in August to one 'Enid Blyton' place when I meet you in England!

We've started discussing on wedding preps. Nothing has been firmed down yet... So please do keep us in prayer.

Wednesday

Nearly fell asleep in class today :P ~ but I wasn't the only one...

Tomorrow, I will try to bring a coffee-mug to school... so that I can drink coffee in class. *_*
~~~~~~~~~~
Today, I experienced God's mercy and grace. Firstly, Lydia texted me to let me know that she prayed for me. Then Vanessa felt God impressing upon her heart to pray for me - not only once...but 3 times... so she prayed with me after luncheon... I felt so blessed with such sweet friends and sweet prayers. Actually, I have been feeling a little lost since the new term started... what with having to rush assignments, my fiance's gone over to the States (we won't know when we will next meet in person - he may only be back after I've gone off to Poland for missions) - so many distractions, lack of sleep and gosh, I've been feeling as if God has given up on me since I have been 'on strike' when it came to a certain 'issue'...

Now - as in right now, I feel this...

... God loves me... no matter what.
.........and He isn't faraway. I mean, He is even greater and bigger than the Universe... How can He be that faraway? His arms can probably embrace the whole earth with all of us still on it. No wonder He is an omnipresent God!

Psalm 139. Where can I go from Your Spirit?

Tuesday thoughts...

Due to time-zone differences, Ben and I haven't been able to Skype too much.... (both of us are kinda sad). Felt a little blue after school... so I came home, had coffee and cooked myself a pot of comfort food - which I haven't cooked in a long while (since my St. Patrick's Court days) ~ Creamy mushroom + chicken...with some sprouts. A little unconventional - but it turned out well, nevertheless... Gonna dump it on pasta later, piping hot... and top it off with cheese.

It's not as watery as it looks in the picture... not too thick or creamy so that it doesn't cake-up into something gross when I refrigerate the remains tonight... and it's got loads and loads of onions and mushrooms in it along with all the herbs and spices... I've got enough to last me at least 3 meals.

It tastes heavenly and I must say that I am indeed looking forward to dinner tonight!!!

And yeah, I finally got myself an IDD calling card....so I can give Ben a phone-call him when he wakes up in the morning (on his side)... and phone Zoey too.

Completed my Exodus paper last night. Finally, finally... Can't believe how much time I spent on the wilderness of Sinai, Red Sea and Pharaohs! @_@ But I think doing this paper has made me appreciate the power of God even more... and has strengthened my conviction of the historicity of the Exodus event.

Monday

Guess what? I have no more Monday off-days for a while... So for the next few weeks...it's gonna be Monday to Friday of 8.00am-4.00pm classes.... then ministry stuff on Saturdays... and Youth (+/- worship team) and church on Sundays...

First day of STCM (School of Trans-cultural Missions) term. Morning classes.... a rush for lunch... worship practice... afternoon classes....

...and now I am back home, dying for a good cup of coffee....and bracing myself for the long evening ahead... Tomorrow, I will have to hand up my Exodus paper. I have still a quarter way to go.

However, all that aside, I really want to give thanks to God for 2 things:

1. For preserving me and my car from tumbling down the 'cliff' - in a minor accident somewhere around the Mount Erskine curves... Seriously, now I know and believe with all my heart that my mission on earth has not been completed yet... and God does not want me to go Home to Him so soon. It was scary. I got distracted one split second - it happens after a long day - and before I knew it, my car was on the cement barrier that fences the road... A little more, and I would have driven straight off the edge and plunged or somersaulted down to ...um, at least the death of my car, if not my own. Thank God for the barrier, thank God that I swerved just in time so that my front tyre (that was on the barrier) did not roll off the barrier ... but I got it back down onto the road... and thank God nothing happened to my car, although I did hear an obnoxious bump/crash somewhere... and I thought I felt my car tilt a little. I was definitely shaken after that incident. *PHEW* Thanks, to those of you who always pray for my safety and protection while I am driving to school... really appreciate it.

2. For a good worship practice this afternoon... although we only had half an hour. May He anoint our team to serve tomorrow morning.

Raining...

It's raining... it's pouring... it's really RAINING!

I cannot remember when was the last time Penang rained like this... It has been raining on and off the whole day already!

No wonder the durian season is here. It's the beginning of the rainy season!

Anyway...

I am seriously drowning from Exodus overdose. There is just so much data to grapple with when it comes to arguing for the historicity of the Exodus event in the Bible... Interesting and engaging, but ...oh, oh, my poor head! :(

On top of the Exodus paper, I have to prepare to lead worship in chapel on Tuesday. So unprepared. @_@'

Well... looking on the bright side of things...

I am thankful that Ben has reached San Francisco safely... even though that poor guy is jet-lagged! Thank God for Skype... I was able to chat to him for a good while, before I resumed work.

Sundays for just this...

Chilling, rejoicing over what God's done and fellowship...

Not to say that it is all play and no work. I usually make Saturdays my Sabbath - and use Sundays to ease the resuming of my week day routines. Mondays are tomorrow. But at least, the week restarts and we are reminded that there are great things in store for us when we lean on a faithful God. Amen?

Today, I hope to finish my Exodus paper. Once and for all.

Day 1 of my 'engaged' life...

He flew off to the States! :( ~ I praise God that I came back from KL just in time to personally send him off... We also prayed together before he left.

I'm really gonna miss him...Let's hope these 2 months fly past (for me at least), what with all the intensive studying and assignments galore coming up...

*Boohoohoohoo....*

It's really weird to think that court-ship is over....and that we are progressing further toward marriage...

It's really so weird to think of Ben as my fiancé...

It's really so weird to think of myself as his fiancée... Or rather he called me that today... and I grinned. Lydia says that I only have a year to have this 'status'... so I've gotta treasure its 'glam'. Hehe...

I am also not used to wearing a ring...

I am paiseh to wear it in front of Ben's family, my friends... and I'll be paiseh wearing it to school. I still have a phobia of someone chopping my finger off for the ring... so I try not to wear it to dodgy places. Because I am afraid of losing it (I am absent-minded) and because I truly appreciate all Ben's efforts in looking for a nice ring, selecting it, buying it and presenting it to me as a token of his love, I'd rather wear it on my finger all the time, instead of stowing it away...or just wearing it out to functions... (It reminds me of him too) And since I am now keeping it on my finger - I have scratched myself a few times with it. LOL. I also scratched Ben when he tried to hold my hand today. I just hope that I'll keep from scratching my face in my sleep! ~_~

I need to learn to care for my engagement ring. I am paranoid that I might bump it on something...so hard...that the diamond falls out of its setting. @_@'

Apart from all that, we are as always... Ben and Grace.

The day I said yes...

He popped the question...

The story in a nutshell...

A few nights ago, I was crying my eyes out to my sister, Ji, and telling her how troubled I am about engagement and stuff...you'd all laugh too if you knew what silly things were on my mind (If only I knew what was happening behind the scenes!!!). I guess I was confused... Ben and I have already decided to marry one another long ago. I just didn't know how to deal with worldly pressures... some of my friends were saying things like, "The ring, the ring...no good proposal, no marry!" and I was kinda worried coz I didn't know where Ben was going to get a ring from - because rings are really expensive...I had already told him that there's no need for a ring... and Ben said that he would still make it special for me anyway... Perhaps, I was also a bit sad...because right down at one tiny corner of my heart, tucked beneath and behind all my 'rationalism' and 'sensibility', there was this girly wish somehow (which I have cherished since I was girl - this is what romantic movies do to you...grrrrrr...........) that someday, a man would perhaps do something romantic and ask me to marry him... :P *Sheepish*

I never dared to tell God the desires of my heart but I prayed... whatever it is, God would help Ben to make it special... Anyway, Ji was really sweet to pray and minister to me that night. I talked to God and He brought me such comfort.

God truly knew the desires of my heart... and even before I confessed them to Him that night you prayed for me, He had already provided Ben with some money for a simple diamond ring...His whole family knew about it for weeks already - but everyone kept very quiet... it's just so mind-blowing, how God is so gracious and merciful.

Well, I returned to Penang yesterday, just a day before Ben flew off to the States today. He told me that he was all busy at work and stuff...so he had asked brother, James, had to fetch me home. I was fine with that, because I was tired... and home sounded good. Furthermore, Ben had promised that he would prepare lunch for me - so that I would have something to eat when I arrived back home ~ I was looking forward to that. (I love it when Ben cooks!)

When I got home, James said that he was in a rush to go somewhere...and therefore he couldn't help me with my bags. I didn't mind. Took the bags and went upstairs to my apartment. Opened the door. I was so touched when I saw a bouquet of a dozen roses sitting on the dining table, a candle burning merrily... and pasta on the table!:P It was all so welcoming and romantic, so I went, "Wowww!" Felt really blessed.

Then Ben suddenly stepped out from one of the rooms, and I was even more surprised... When I saw him, I ran into his arms. After all that, we were going to sit down for a nice meal...hehe...but suddenly he knelt down beside me on one knee, opened up a heart-shaped box, pulled out a ring and asked me, "Dear, will you marry me?"

I was so shocked...that I couldn't say anything for the moment. I think there were tears in my eyes because I was so overwhelmed...Then I exclaimed, "Ahhhhh, how come you have a ring?!?!" Of course, there were other weird, dramatic, funny reactions... but I really can't remember all of them anymore. @_@ Then I told him, "Yes, I will marry you..." That is how it all happened in a nutshell! Simple... yet beautiful and very sweet...

For a long while, I couldn't concentrate on my pasta. :P

I really thank God for everything... Thank You, Lord for You knew the desires of my heart even before I confessed them to You...and graciously provided Ben the means to make things so special for me... For our families and friends who have in one way or another encouraged us, blessed us and ministered to us as a couple. For Ben, who loves me so deeply and brings me so much joy. Lord, please help us to continue to honor you with our relationship and marriage. In Jesus' name, amen.

Us...

Friday

7.00am. 24 hours of no sleep.

I have been up the whole night trying to revamp my Exodus paper... *woozy and groggy*... and I don't think I am making much progress! *_* I am not even content to leave the paper the way it is - because both Dr. Rosalind and Mr. Wong KC commented on the ick-ies in my last draft... and while Mr. WKC said I don't have to re-do the whole paper if I don't want to, I know he secretly hopes that I will make all the necessary changes and hand up a kick-ass paper :P ~ and therefore, I have no way of escape...issshhhh! Why did I bother going to see him about my paper? If I didn't know my mistakes, I wouldn't have tried to unravel the 'strings' of my paper... Ignorance is bliss, you know... *Just a little regret*

... I need breakfast... and to pack my bags...

Let's hope things will be better when I sniff some of the Penang air... catch up on some zzz's in the 4-hours bus journey... and be caught up in someone's big, big hug...

A beautiful Thursday...

Had coffee with dad at Quikbites, Bangsar...before dad went to work.

I don't know why I look yellow @_@

My yummy french-toast...drizzled with maple syrup.

me, my dad and the newspaper. LOL!

Oh...then I met up with Jasmine for dinner at Mid-valley Megamall. You can read the whole story here. It's very 'drama' :P Glory to God! All in all, I am humbled at how God is working in her life amidst all her struggles. I believe with all my heart that she would have a amazing testimony of the Lord's faithfulness and deliverance to share... in a few years to come, as she has already experienced His grace in many ways.

Jasmine, me.