Wednesday...

First of all... I want to express my utmost gratitude to my dear friends, Ai Hua and Matthew ~ for giving me the space to vent my muddled up, suppressed frustrations about stuff today... for hearing me out (even the outbursts) and not judging me in any way. Thank you.

I spent my earlier years of Christian spiritual formation in Dublin/UK. It was really a beautiful spiritual 'childhood' for me, even while I was going through a difficult time with many baggages from the past. If it weren't for those years I spent in that part of the world... and if it weren't for those people who colored my world during those years, I probably wouldn't be where I am today, doing what I am doing. Then of course, when I came back to Penang, if it weren't for my multi-denominational group of close friends who served alongside me in the PMCFS and Ben, I probably wouldn't be the way I am today.

I've come very far ever since.

But you know what it's like - sometimes when you are grown-up, you've left 'home', and you come to a pit-stop in life, you just wish that you were '..small and Christmas trees were tall..' kind of thing?

Well, I feel like I am now in a gigantic pit-stop. It was OK when there was still company - but after graduation (me thinks) - my company left, but I had to stay. It has been over 2 years... but I haven't gotten out from the pit-stop yet even though my life has been moving on. No doubt I have grown. I have learned new things. I have had my fair share of mistakes and mischief. I have fallen down countless times, grazed my knees and cried... but I have learnt how to get up and walk again. I've learnt to move on, even if it's on my own. But... this pit-stop is pretty strange... I've got a feeling I'm in the wilderness rather than a pit-stop. A very lonely one. I'm just afraid that if I don't find my way out soon, I might die alone... and no one would even know! ~ Actually I do know the way out... and what caused it.... but I just don't know how to leave. People who like being in the wilderness actually find it pretty comfy here; they like it here - but I guess, perhaps I run for a very different goal in mind... so I am dying trying to be comfy here.

I feel like a duck that somehow went for a stay hen's coop. The hens are nice and friendly - they welcome me as their fellow bird... but I am still a duck. And I wish to swim.

Today, I wished I could turn back time. And go 'home'.

Sorry, if this blog post doesn't make sense... I am just venting... yes, again.