Sunday reflection...

I am not very proud of many, many parts of my life.

I've made mistakes.

And sometimes, I don't know if I am making mistakes or not. I've let go of some things which I felt I should have held on to. I won't mention what. But I'd like to think that everything happens for a reason - that my tears were well spent, my losses were well worth it and the goodbyes were inevitable. It's really a good thing, God gave me a phlegmatic side of my personality to balance up the melancholic.

We make choices everyday. Today is a result of the countless choices I've made before. Where I am. What I do. The consequences of wrong choices I've made in the past... And yet, I see God's sovereignty and grace. To yet lead and encourage. To comfort me in my mistakes. To help me so that I may bear with the consequences and ultimately, overcome.

Remember the story of the girl who was about to be stoned in the Bible by an angry, mocking crowd? Jesus said, "Whoever has never sinned... let him be the first one to throw the stone..." And the mocking crowd melted away little by little... And the girl turned to Him, who was truly sin-less - but He had no stones to humiliate her... only love and grace. "Go away, and sin no more," He said. Most of the days, I feel like the girl. Waiting with a fearful expectation of the wages of my sins and my wrong choices in life... but when I remember how Jesus, the sinless, took upon the sins of the world and bore the punishment we deserved, my heart is stung with grief, conviction... and yet, His grace gives me hope.

To give my life to Him, and to accept the gift of salvation Christ had purchased on the cross for my sins - this is one choice I will never regret.

But all too many times, those nagging thoughts return to bug me - regarding some other major choices I made in life. What if this? What if that? What if I had dot dot dot? What if I had not...? Did I do the right thing? What if I've missed this or that opportunity? What if that step I took was really the wrong step? Etcetera.

Endless what if's...

Today, I was having an ice-cream... while some emofying, melancholic piano music played softly in the background. It made me very emo >.< - A big 'what if' came to mind... This 'what if', I've struggled with it for a long while now... and sometimes, I doubt what I did was right. Sometimes, I feel like I've missed the mark - and I'll never achieve the destiny God had in His mind when He made me. Sometimes, the guilt leads me to try and justify myself... to try and prove (to myself more than to anyone else) that all I did wasn't in vain. But pondering on it today, I just felt sad. I felt that I am a lost case. But out of the emofying music, I felt God impress upon my heart. "Love demands sacrifice. You may not understand why you gave that up... but at least, know that you mostly gave that up - for love. And that... I understand."

And I realized... yeah. After all, God so loved the world...that He gave His only begotten Son...

Someday, perhaps I will share... what I gave up for love. Perhaps someone will need the testimony of God's grace... or perhaps someone might stand in my shoes one day and be blessed. Or perhaps, one day, when the loved one needs the affirmation...that I truly love him to the point of laying down my life for him... I will share what I gave up for love.

I don't know. What matters most... is God understands.

For now, I rest assured, that my destiny lies in God's hands. Yesterday, today and forevermore.