Sunday

Went out for dinner with the Wongs and Xu Wen... at Gurney Drive. We had the yummiest char kuey teow ever from Ben's uncle's stall...grilled sting-ray ala Penang... Cuttle-fish + kangkung rojak... and laksa. My "souvenir" from that place - is this box of muar chee James tar-pau-ed for me. I am stowing it in my fridge for now... till I need my nuts fix.

In many ways, I enjoy the freedom of being able to 'keep food' nowadays. Back when I struggled with bulimia (in continuum with anorexia nervosa), I couldn't buy too many snacks to store at home - because I know I'd binge and finish them within 1-2 days...and then feel uber guilty... purge ... restrict the next few days - till I could bear it no longer... I'd inevitably binge again and the vicious cycle would repeat.

The binges was uncontrollable and ridiculous (and in many ways, I thought... frightening). I'd binge even if I was bursting at my seams or after a full meal! My urges to binge went to the extent of driving me out in the middle of classes - I'd make excuses to get out of class (somewhere towards the end of A-levels - i.e. A2.) just so that I could run to the canteen, buy food and EAT (I felt like a drug addict - with food as my drug). If I did not, I'd start trembling, sweating and grow fidgetty. From buns to chocolates to junk-food to sandwiches to even another full-meal after lunch, etc... whatever you offered me, I'd take it. And then later, if I did not 'get rid' of the stuff I had consumed, I'd start trembling too - and breaking out into a cold sweat. I had a psychiatrist back then, Dr. Rose, who told me to keep a food diary... but it never worked, because I'd binge and then lie in my diary. :P *wide-eyed (not) innocent look* Those were really dark times. Many times, I thought I'd die (literally). Sometimes, I thought about killing myself. And yes... to dull the inner pain, I used to slash myself with scissors/knives - or dig my nails into my skin when I was frustrated.. all because I thought that the blood would make me feel better. Alternatively, I'd hurl myself at the wall, just so that the inner pain could be externalized or embodied in the physical. But of course these were just my own 'remedies' - nothing really worked. But God...

Anyway, thank God for healing me. I don't really know how my bulimia started and ended... I only know that I was pulling out of Anorexia N. by the end of 2002. I am aware of certain triggers that (still) encourage some abnormal behaviors... or the cumulative risk factors from my childhood. But at its heart, (while I craved acceptance from others) I could never truly accept myself. It was through a long and sometimes painful process, God brought me (through my dear friends, family and His Word in the Bible) to look at myself differently... and to love His image in me. To see myself as a child of God. That He loves me NOT because I am worthy... but I am of great worth because He loves me.

Now, I am able keep loads of stuff in my fridge... savor a little when it's my designated snack-times (without going overboard), enjoy the freedom of eating the food without counting calories or being too guilty... then re-seal the packet and put it back into the fridge for later consumption... Praise God indeed.

Btw... this wasn't meant to be a testimony. LOL. But I think it just turned out to be one.

James and Xu Wen are so nice... they decided that they would spare a day this upcoming week to bring my Irish girl-friend around Penang. What a blessing!