Confession: The back-up plan...

Watched 'The Back-up Plan' all by myself this evening. Really enjoyed it even though I didn't agree with some values portrayed. Had a good laugh too.

I think I can quite relate to the character J. Lo played in the movie - Zoe. Not the pregnancy part of course... but her insecurities and fears due to what she had experienced in her childhood.

She kept expecting Stan to walk out of her life and abandon her, even while he had assured her many times that he wouldn't. Furthermore... to protect herself, she always had a back-up plan for every thing... including her relationship with Stan. This pattern ~ she followed all her life. Such a habit of pushing people away when they get close... because she feared abandonment...

Confession: I thought Zoe reminded me alot of myself.

I had two previous relationships - in which my ex-boyfriends treated me very well - but both separations were proposed by yours truly. Why? Well, about the first one... I decided that I couldn't possibly put up any longer with certain stuff I couldn't tolerate about the guy - because what he did made me feel rejected and fearful. The poor dude was very hurt - that he failed to function in life for a while...literally :( Thank God that by His grace, he made a come-back. We did apologize to one another later - but we've lost contact with one another for quite some years already.

In the second relationship, the ex-bf and I came to a mutual conclusion to end the relationship after some time, because the guy's parents were not in favor of us together... during our studying years. However, we did plan to get back together later, if we still had feelings for one another. The aftermath of that separation was a little too much for me and I felt way reluctant to get back into the relationship with so much opposition from others which I took personally as rejection - I decided that there was to be 'no looking back' - so I moved on from there... once and for all.

The ex-bf did not believe that I had moved on so fast. He did not know that once I had made up my mind to move on, I'd really move on - and not really feel much remorse or regret. (Running away actually.) My main priority was to protect myself from hurt, from rejection, from abandonment... so I was my greatest defense. (Or so I thought) Thus you can imagine his confusion for the next 3 years ~ we were mostly 'playing' hide-and-seek. I'd go out of my way to avoid him, while he kept trying to patch things up in between us, do things for me and give me presents - because he thought that there was still hope. In time, I grew mad and bitter at him for still 'seeking' me when I had put in so much effort to recover and move on (and moved on I did!) - that I became very unkind to him too. Bitterness grew into hatred. It was as much of a terrible time for him, as it was exhausting for me. There were many potential 'back-up plans' around, but of course I had grown into a prayerful person during that time... and I mostly kept my eyes on God... that kept me from...um, pursuing those 'back-up plans'. You get what I mean? :P

Thank God - I had to come back to Penang from Dublin - and the year apart sorta allowed alot of healing to take place... that the ex-bf and I were able to talk to one another properly as friends again... eventually.

Anyway, guess what... God did not allow me to get into anymore relationships for the 4 years that followed... so He could teach me very important lessons of life. Funny but true, many brothers and closer guy friends came into my life during that period of time... it couldn't have been anything else but God's plan. Because of them, I learned to be a sister - and how to serve my brothers. I learned that my brothers could be trusted to protect me, lead me, affirm me, and to love me as a sister and friend... It was a bittersweet season of learning indeed.

I thank God especially for Kean Yew. He's the closest brother I've ever had - we grew very close as friends especially after a difficult year of trials for the both of us. There came a point when I tried to push him away and resented him for kindly doing so much for me...but I was amazed when he gently said, "I think I understand why..." and then he did move out of my 'space' a little, but continued to serve me as willingly as before. I truly appreciated what he did - was very touched... and our friendship grew stronger after that. KY continued to give me his unstinting support... through every up and down in my life... even until today. He is one very faithful brother, who taught me to trust.

In my current relationship with Ben (that's gonna lead to marriage), I still find myself a little apprehensive of trusting sometimes. I guess I still fear abandonment and rejection... but thank God, it's growing much less than before... I do hope, that with time, I'd grow more secure.

Indeed, there's no back-up plan for marriage. Coz I don't believe in divorce.