What kind of wisdom?

I came across a very convicting few verses in Book of James yesterday:

'Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such 'wisdom' does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual and demonic. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy, and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness.'

(James 3:13-18)

I didn't mean to go into Bible interpretation, but what do the verses above mean to you?

Two days ago, someone taught me about insecurity in God (failure to trust Him) and what it does to you. You are eaten up with envy, bitterness, jealousy, self-condemnation... you tend to compare your achievements with those of others, harbor selfish ambitions, are unable to share and you consciously or unconsciously compete - and risk burn-out from unrealistic expectations for yourself. Guess what, the verses above show that insecurity in God opens the door to 'wisdom' too! What kind of wisdom? Read it for yourself in the verses above... :S

O God, I ask for Your peace to be in my heart at all times... that it would guard my heart and mind in Christ!

Too busy today...

...to blog. I've got tons of work to do... and I haven't even started.

Pray. Laundry. Ministry stuff. Readings.

Ahhhh....

Btw... one praise report: one more citizen in God's Kingdom!

Wednesday

Back from church after MLM and supper with Ben and Aunty Malar.

Didn't get to nap today - I guess I was too full after lunch (was emo, so I stuffed myself silly with food :P This is PMS for sure!) - usually, I'd feel very sleepy after I've finished afternoon prayers. So I'd take a short nap before I continue with my work (when I say 'short' it means 1 hour :P)... but today, I didn't even feel like sleeping after prayers. I had quite a productive day today preparing my stuff for this weekend's sharing though. Praise God! There were many things stuck in my brain for days - I was in denial for a week. Then whenever I tried to write, I'd feel extremely sad and emo somehow. I could only manage to get them out today, by God's grace. Breakthrough! Thanks for praying, dear friend(s).

It was actually not as easy recovering the repressed memories of my eating disorders as I thought it would be. Looking back, it all seemed very dark and yet the details are slowly blurring and fading away with time. However, when I start recalling the details, it makes my skin creep to realize how close I was to death, how great the lies + deceptions I chose to believe... and how ED sucked every bit of life out of me, until I barely knew myself. In those days when I used to purge after binges, thoughts like these always ran through my head:

"Will I ever get out of here? Alive?"
"Will I never get well? Will things grow worse?"
"Will this haunt me forever? The tendency to think and act in this way...?"

I feel like one of those people written about in Psalm 107:17-22 when God delivered me through it and I finally recovered! My 'relationship' with food has come a long way indeed. Weight still fluctuates with stress... but gosh, I enjoy eating now like never before! :D

I have always wondered about this: If I, having known and depended on God, already found it so extremely difficult to recover and free myself from the clutches of ED...what about the thousands of girls out there, who do not know Him - or those who have to suffer in silence and loneliness, in fear of being ridiculed? How many girls out there are wasting away because of EDs?

Tomorrow's Church History class is gonna be super-intensive, I tell you. 8am to 4pm! @_@ urrks... And guess what? Right after that, I am teaching piano... :D

Random...

Pondering. Contemplating. Weighing options. Again.

Diet Coke. PMS. Messy table strewn with papers and books. Sometimes, I just wish I could hire someone to clean out my house for me.

Was reminded again today, that a good tree only produces good fruit. A bad tree produces bad fruit. A good tree cannot produce bad fruit... and vice versa. What fruits of our actions, words and more importantly thoughts (which are not displayed to the public) are we producing today? What is the overflow of our hearts like?

Hunger strike...

I don't know what's wrong with me. But I am craving all kinds of food and sapu-ing everything like mad.

Could I be PMS-ing?

God's provision(s) this week...

Firstly, Pekz waived my hotel room charges for our ministry trip to Ipoh last month. So I practically stayed there for free. Thanks so much, dear Pekz - for being a source of joy and blessing me continuously with your friendship.

Secondly, our Church History classes started today. Part of our assignments for this subject requires all of us to each read a book with 400+ pages (see pics below) and which costs RM60 after discount. I shuddered at the book price and I decided that I'd ask my pastor if I could borrow it from him (if he possesses it, that is!), just so that I wouldn't need to buy the book. Therefore, when my classmates queued up at the front of the classroom to buy the book, I didn't leave my seat.

I can't even remember now, if I prayed that God would provide me a book - but Uncle Peter (one of the brothers in class) suddenly asked me if I was going to buy it, and I shook my head. To my surprise, he walked out to the front, paid for 2 books - and handed one to me, saying that I wouldn't have to pay him back for the book. What a blessing! I was so humbled by God's provision in this form. Is that a miracle or what?

Thank you so much, Uncle Peter, for being one of the channels of God's blessings to me this week!

Monday randoms...

Still putting together my Self-image and Eating Disorders presentation for the youths this weekend. It's just too wide a topic that I am not sure how to go about it. I'm not sure if I wanna sound over-preachy or technical. Nor do I want to trigger any secret-ED-sufferers to go deeper into their obsessions/compulsions...

Perhaps, I'll just tell them the story about me - and how God rescued me from self-destruction.

Hello...?

...Anyone up for a new pet?

There's a huge spider lurking somewhere in my car. She is pretty, her body's the size of a 50-cent coin, she is a muddy-brown and has long legs that look like rolled-up dried leaves. I don't know how she wandered in, but she can't find her way out. According to Ben, I separated her from her lover, whom he saw outside my car on Saturday. I didn't mean to...honest!

So Spiddy, please spare me from your vengeance!

Whoever finds her first can keep her. After all, you know what they say... Finder's keepers! ROTFLMAO.

It's Spiddy-alert for me from now onwards!

The fall...

I have my geeky and clumsy moments.

This morning, I was supposed to wake up early, so that I could get to church in time for Youth Ministry.

Usually, I am so tired on Saturday evenings/nights (CG), that I more often than not have to dig myself out from bed on Sunday mornings, rush through all the morning routines... grab a peanut-pao from the hawker's stall and speed off to church. *Sheepish* Yesterday, I thought... why not set my alarm clock so that I'd wake up a little earlier than usual... so that I wouldn't have to rush? Well, I did... Ambitious, silly me.

Turned out that I spent a few hours before bed that night crying my eyes out about something random. Haha. Then my nose was badly blocked :( Craps (There's no such thing as crying myself to sleep for me!) To cut the long story short, it was a long time before I could comfortably fall asleep.

This morning, my alarm clock (which is actually my handphone) rang (with the most eerie, frightening tune ever...if I may add) at an unearthly hour in the corner of my bedroom, where it was still charging from yesterday night.

I got up in great alarm as the music got louder and louder... Ran in the direction of my alarm clock (phone) - and slipped and fell. Banged my bum against something (the bed I think) - and the next thing I knew my head hit the floor with a loud thunk! Voila! I ended up flat out on my back.

Sigh. In the end, I didn't get to wake up THAT early. I snoozed my clock, whimpered and went back to bed to nurse my aching head. So much for all that hullabaloo! :P

Thankfully, I didn't crack my skull. But the headache is still there while I type this. And I've got this lump somewhere on my head, a bruise on my hip, a little sprain in my neck and a wound on my bum :P

Friday

Met up with a dear younger sis-in-Christ, Ee Ling - for brunch... but it dragged on till about 3pm.

We were so busy talking that we didn't realize the hours slipping past. Was a little reluctant when we had to finally leave the place and say goodbye.

I must really say that I enjoyed our short session together - and as always, am so encouraged by our friendship. We'll never know when our paths may diverge and nobody can really tell what tomorrow will be like - but while we are still not far apart, every blessing of time we get to spend with one another ought to be cherished and savoured. Love should be demonstrated in both actions and words. Burdens shared more faithfully... And fervent prayers offered up to God on behalf of each other.

(To all my friends out there, reading this - yes, I treasure YOU!)

Spring-cleaned my house for a fresh new week ahead. I ought to be reading Viertel's but I feel so darn lazy and unmotivated to open up that book now. (So so sorry, Dr. Sunny.) Perhaps, I should be working on my youthtalk power-point instead. Next week, I cannot be lazy anymore. Datelines are coming up, and I should be working harder.

Have got alot of uncertainties on my mind today. *Sigh* Can I run away?

Need time with God.

Why are we singing?

Back then when I was much younger in the faith, what I understood about 'worship' was really limited. It used to be all about me. It was what I could get out of worship - the reassurance, healing and comfort from the words sung, as well as the emotional experience. After church services were over, I used to say,"Worship was good today, hey?" if the songs have ministered to my heart. In saying that, I guess I implied that there were days when worship 'wasn't too good', when the music did not suit my taste or when the worship team did not do too well. Hehhh. When I became a musician in the worship team, I must confess that there were days when I caught myself unconsciously attempting to satisfy the cochlear auditory receptors of the people or to wow the crowd. I would feel extremely bad about the mistakes made, etc. Serious.

Yes. I was young once. Looking back on those days, I blush. >_<'

Of course - when we worship God and marvel over what He has done, we can't help but be strengthened and transformed in every way somehow. Comforted and blessed too. Worship inevitably involves emotions. However, I am learning more and more over the years, that worship is more essentially our offering to God - the ultimate expression of our adoration for and wonder of Him. Not for our appreciation, but for His appreciation. (Who are we to say that God prefers hymns to contemporary songs!? Or vice versa?) Not as much for the ministry to our hearts as the ministry to God's heart. Worship services are not Christian concerts. The God-anointed worship team is not made up of performers merely playing songs to give their audience that ultimate emotional experience or to receive applause, but rather to skillfully lead the congregation into a worshipful, reverent attitude before His holy presence, with the least distractions possible. I'm not saying that it ought to be solely unplanned and spontaneous, or uncreative and unpersonalized. Neither am I harping on the issue of traditional vs contemporary worship. More importantly, is our 'worship' Spirit-led or not? What does it mean to 'worship God in Spirit and in truth' ? Is it then right to compromise Spirit-led reverence for a favourable response from the crowd?

Are we trembling in His presence and singing with reverence in our hearts to God? Can we still worship God when we tunes of the songs do not really appeal to our individual tastes, are our daily activities an act of worship unto Him, or have we lost the true meaning of worship in our churches today?

Food for thought.

Thursday

Gosh, today's Thursday already?

Time flies. I am still NOT done with my ETOP (Poland mission camp) form. Never in my life have I applied to go for a mission trip/conference whereby the applicant is required to answer a whole bunch of almost mind-challenging questions and write essays. But oh well, anything that memerah otak is fun. I am enjoying the challenge of answering stuff like, 'How would you respond if an overseas visitor asks, "Why should I trust the Bible?" '

Hehe. Actually, my kow-foo asked me this question during my Christmas hols last year, so it got me thinking even before I knew anything about the ETOP form. Nothing happens without a reason, right?

Undeniably refreshes my faith...

Brunching with Joanne Lim in a while... before I lose sight of her again :P

my Chinese New Year in a nutshell...

Lion dance at Kow foo's house (my mum's older brother)

Snacking on all the goodies there are to snack on...and being geeky...

Dad's side of the family...

Time with dad...

...and me...

Going back to Penang today...

Honestly, I am happy.

Was telling dad yesterday that I feel like an alien in KL. Not to my family or relatives... but rather, to the place. I don't feel like I belong here anymore. :)

I've moved on.

In the middle of the night...

This has got to be the most boring Chinese New Year ever... @_@' Argh.

(Sorry dad, I didn't mean to make you feel bad :P But I am..... really bored.)

We did not do anything much the whole of today (1st day of CNY). Visits only start tomorrow for some strange reason.

I guess the only highlights of the day were eating uncle's homecooked vegetarian/chap chye soup for lunch... and dad's scallop soup for dinner. (Coz the soups were super yummy. No kidding!) Oh... and me randomly chomping on Chinese New Year cookies ~ out of frank boredom. *Fears the worse for my thighs*

I could have done my seminary assignments... but I just didn't feel like it.
Should have gone shopping or something. But I didn't get to.
Should have done some exercise - but I was way lazy. *groans* Aduuuiiii...

Now I feel fat and unproductive. Crapppsss... Not to mention, a little lonely. What do you expect? One uncle and one dad in the house... and no sister or my-other-half around. Boo hoo. >_<

Oh well. At least I had all the time in the world to read Hudson Taylor's biography (yeah I'm not done) and reflect on God. Got to chat to Zoey on Skype for a while too. And at least Ben called me 2X today to make me feel a little better. I was comforted to hear his voice. Totally appreciate it. Happy Valentines' Day, dearie!

Did I mention? I am already returning to Penang on Tuesday. Sigh. (Sorry for sounding so gloomy) I suppose with all the work I have to do (seminary assignments, fill in the ETOP forms, prepare talk for youths, etc) I couldn't have stayed away from Penang too long anyway.

Thoughts...

*Picture courtesy of Brother Chik Bu. Taken during a mentoring group session @ MBTS*

"Dear God,

never let me lose my awe and wonder of You. Let the joy of Your salvation, be always fresh upon my heart. And make this heart beat in my bosom with the love worth giving because You first loved me.

I refuse to take for granted even the simplest, smallest blessings, so that I would be able to recall them long after I have received them. I refuse to allow my attitude of thankfulness and gratitude to be choked by cynicism or skepticism. For we have this promise: In Christ, all things are possible! Lord, may I see each difficulty and trial through eyes of faith - so that I would be convinced that an opportunity to witness Your saving grace is at hand. Poor, pressured, accused, envied or despised - I know that the battle is Yours, Lord... and therefore, give me the single eye, wisdom and gentleness, a patient spirit, unwavering purpose, unshaken faith, Christlike love and faithfulness for the effective discharge of all my duties."

Today, I want to thank God for my blog...

What it means to abide in Christ...

This morning, I read a beautifully written letter from Hudson Taylor to his sister, Mrs. Broomhall, as quoted in 'Hudson Taylor's Spiritual Secret' (Moody Publishers, pg 160-165). So struck was I by this part:

"...The sweetest part, if one may speak of one part being sweeter than another (with regards to abiding in Christ), is the rest which full identification with Christ brings. I am no longer anxious about anything, as I realize this; for He, I know, is able to carry out His will, and His will is mine. It makes no matter where He places me, or how. That is rather for Him to consider than for me; for in the easiest position He must give me grace, and in the most difficult, His grace is sufficient..... So if God should place me in serious perplexity, must He not give me much guidance; in positions of great difficulty much grace. in circumstances of great pressure and trial much strength? No fear that His resources will prove unequal to the emergency! And His resources are mine, for He is mine, and is with me and dwells in me..."

Beautiful passage. Reading Hudson Taylor's biography, it makes me realize how weak a man he was, even though he was the father of China Inland Mission - but how powerful the God he served. How awesome, faithful, gracious and loving. Can we not trust a God like Him?

Chinese New Year Eve

Woke up early for brekkie with daddy this morning at Joseph's Kitchen in Bangsar. Food in my opinion was a.ok because I am a little tired of eggs (since yesterday's huge omelette @_@) and they had eggs in all their breakfast dishes (the strawberry jam was delish though!) but the Lavanza coffee was SUPERB. Gosh. I could have done with another cup of the fragrant brew... but oh well, I didn't. It was good to have some time with dad - coz he's always so busy that I hardly get golden opportunities like that :P Of course, I am guilty too - since I only go back to KL 2-3 times a year. Sigh.

After breakfast, I dropped by dad's office for a while to say hi to some of the staff - chatted to Shanti for a while... then I went off for a short walk in Mid-Valley Megamall and The Gardens while dad carried on with some work (didn't buy anything - just wanted to relive some old memories by revisiting some shops I have not visited in a long, long while - including the good ol' pet shop on the top floor)... went for lunch with dad... and then came home for a short rest.

Reunion dinner at tai gu ma's house. Very re nao. I felt so blessed sitting down for dinner with my relatives who accept me the way I am - for my vocation (even though it didn't exactly go the way everyone had expected) and my Christian beliefs even though everyone else was not Christian :) We had steam-boat. I had a little white wine for once (first time since year 2005/2006 - when we celebrated Maeve's birthday in Dublin) just for the occasion.

I have not been there for 2 years already. How my nieces and nephews have grown. Ke Nee was so cute - at first she was so shy coz she hadn't seen me for such a long time... After a while, she decided that she'd give me a chance to 'redeem' myself :P - so I had a very good time playing with her after all! She loved bouncing up and down on my 'see saw legs' so that was what I ended up doing half the time - bouncing her up and down by extending and flexing my knees. Love her so much... *AwwwwW*

Pui Yee jie jie (my cousin) couldn't recognize me after not seeing me for 5 long years (and I suspect it was 6 years) - and when they 'introduced' me to her, she was in shock. "How come you changed so much?!?" she exclaimed. "You used to look like your mum - but now that you are much thinner, you look like your dad..."

Ok... Thinner, yeah naturally. Actually, I've been growing fatter since I came back last Christmas :P You know la...some people have been lazy to exercise that much. But looking like my dad?!? @_@ Sure boh?

Actually Shanti mentioned this morning that I look like my dad too. I wonder how that happened. Because I never used to look like my dad. Not even the tiniest bit.

I miss Zoey (my lil' sister so much). I feel pretty lonely back home without her and Ben around. *Cries*

back in Subang...

Back home. I miss Ben so much.

Ok, I hope this doesn't sound too corny. But since we are not going to spend Valentines' Day together this year thanks to Chinese New Year, I am happy that we have matching T-shirts to wear on Valentines' Day even though we are 4 hours distance from one another. Hehe...

Actually I didn't think of it that way at first - but we went to Sunshine Square yesterday, and he suggested buying the matching T-shirts... Then since we are both going to wear it on the first day of CNY, and it's Valentines' Day...

......*happy sigh* ...You can stop rolling your eyes now...

He was so nice to take half-day off from work to accompany me those few hours prior to my departure from Penang. We had lunch near the Penang Snake Temple...then wound up in Queensbay. For a treat, we also had pancakes at Paddington House of Pancakes. What yummy dessert!

He sent me a text while I was on the bus headed for KL. It went like this:

'Two of my fishes died running into the pump (for aquarium) and were grinded to death. Funeral is tomorrow @ 2pm...' :(

Ok... that was really sad. Now, James and Peter are gone... we only have John and Paul left.

*Edit*

Daniel Khoo put this on his tweet with regards to the fishy funeral: 'oh, do we need visual & sound tech, organist and liturgist? :)' ROTFLMAO!!!

Finally went shopping today...

Haha, I spent more time 'cam-whoring' rather than actually buying anything... :P...but yeah...anyway, after feeling pretty left-out today at school (coz almost everyone was dressed in red except for myself, as I did not have a red top), I finally bought myself a red top for Chinese New Year :D Thanks Lydia blessing with the means to shop this year :) I maxed it out - your love-gift, I did.

I want to be...

... different. The right kind of course.

Gone are the days when I wanted to be supermodel thin. To be defined as 'successful' by the world. To be liked and accepted by everyone. Nah, can't please all. And I don't intend to try.

Why do we need to conform to the expectations, standards, patterns, norms and what the majority puts on pedestals in order to be accepted? Be authentic. Be real. God has made each and everyone of us to leave behind a legacy nobody else can leave. We are created to be different from everyone else. To passionately make that difference in the world we live in nobody else can make. Nobody should be an imitation of another, save good moral examples and of course, godliness. What is the purpose of your existence?

Well, if you have absolutely no inkling of it, I suggest that you could start by first getting to know your Creator. After all, everything in our world that can be seen is created with a purpose - even the decorative ornaments we collect. They were birthed purposefully out of a creative ideas their creators came up with, bearing in mind the vision that they would be beautiful ornaments. Likewise, we do not normally take globs of clay and mould them into pots without at least hoping that they would be useful pots! Bottles are made to be bottles, jars are made to be jars - if you get my drift. Yes, even a baby is made. But how can the essence of a person's soul be made out of his or her parents' DNA? Who can deny the divinity of human beings? How can we know the vision our Creator had in mind when He made us, when we do not even have a clue of what He is like?

But then again, what is your concept of 'G-O-D'? Common sense would tell us that any creation can only be lesser than its creator. Robots are fashioned to do what ordinary human strength cannot do - but they still lose out to us, when it comes to being human. For example, can a robot love? No they can't. We have robots nowadays that respond to touch mechanically. Brilliant as they are, they cannot love. But hey, we can love! The great innate ability to love means that we are relational beings. This could only mean that our Creator has a much greater capacity to love and loves us, as He placed us in relationships - so that our needs could be met. If He loves us, and there can be no love without a relationship, it could only mean that we were each purposefully made to be in a relationship with Him. Each of us a masterpiece to fit into His big plan in a very unique, mysterious yet beautiful way. Do you feel like a masterpiece today?

We all understand this fact: Love liberates the one loved to be the best he or she can be. For example, children, who have experienced alot of affirmation and love from their parents especially during childhood and adolescence, are more likely to grow up into confident, committed and competent adults, with healthy self-esteem - compared to those who did not. A wife submits readily to a husband who truly loves her. I have seen Christian wives who have blossomed into authentic women and godly mothers under the secure love and protection of their husbands. In my relationship with my boyfriend, his love and encouragement spur me on to walk a closer walk with God and grow in pursuing God's calling for my life.

If a human's imperfect love can do such wonders for a loved one, what more God's perfect love? Knowing and experiencing God's love in our lives, we find our sense of belonging in the gracious acceptance of our Creator, even while the world rejects all that do not match up to its ideal stereotypes. It transforms us and leads us to repentance. Engaging in a love-relationship with Him only made possible by grace and through faith in Christ allows us to discover the divine purpose He has created us for. And subsequently, we break out of the restricting 'moulds' the world tells us to conform to, take off as upon eagles' wings - soaring higher and higher - up to heights we could have never imagined... and are liberated to become the best we could ever become. I want to learn to live my life passionately - to make every day count, to live out my life mission and to give God the very best I can give...

...as I have been set free.

Scan results came out...

I'm fine for the time being :) Thank God.

Will you follow Him?

I think God is so very, very sovereign.

Whenever we think that everything in our lives is spinning out of control - we can take a step back, remember that everything fits into a much bigger picture only God can see at the moment... and know that we can trust Him - because He is more than able to make our paths straight.

In the past week, I have been worrying about stuff just like your typical control freak. Getting all panicky about what's going to happen in my life even in the next few years... where I am going to end up, etc...with that intense desire and temptation to manipulate my circumstances just so that nothing would be unexpected and I wouldn't remain in uncertainty. A preservation act of my comfort zone. LOL. Then today, Dr.Mark Terry preached a very timely sermon based on the call of Abraham in Genesis 12:1-4. I.e. when God said, "Go from your country, your people and your father's household to the land I will show you...." then in vs 4, it is said, "So Abram went, as the Lord had told him..."

In other words, God, the loving Heavenly Father, was calling Abraham to follow and trust Him - into the unknown. God in fact, did not tell him the end at the beginning, or the destination for his quest... except that Abram would be blessed and that he would be a blessing to the nations. To quote Dr. Terry - God's blessings follow those who follow God's will.

But... are we willing to first give up all it costs us to follow Him?

For me, I bet it is my independence especially in the area of my finances for the time being. Coz this humbles me all the time and stretches my faith. Think of it - I wish I were working and earning my own monthly allowances, instead of merely depending on your kind love-gifts to support my living. I always feel bad at Christmas because I can't give pressies to people as liberally as I would have liked to... and I often have to think twice before blessing another with a meal, not because I want to be calculative - but because my monthly expenditures are tightly controlled. (Not to mention, my working friends do not allow me to pay for meals when we go out together :P) I often feel bad spending money on holidays, travels and new clothes because I keep thinking that I'd be spending someone's hard earned money on my own pleasures. :( I also have my own share of worries about where the money for the upcoming months are going to come from, whenever the amount in my bank dips low to critical point. If the ravens will feed me bread and meat. If I would ever be a burden to Ben. Etcetera. You can say, 'Woman of little faith, why did you doubt...' but anyone in my shoes will agree that it is not easy not to doubt :P I am human after all!

I have to honestly confess that I sometimes envy my friends who are working whilst I continue to study full-time after 5 years of med school. As a girly girl, I sometimes envy girls who can afford to spend money on nice clothes, shoes, bags and make-up :P As a tam-chiak person, I sometimes envy people who are able to spend so much money on food... and yet afford a gym membership. Haha.

And I honestly don't like it at all when people say, "What about your boyfriend? Why can't he support you through your studies?" I feel it's a little insensitive. After all, we are not married yet - so he can't be expected to do so... and even if we are, money doesn't come easy. He's got quite a few commitments he's gotta deal with himself, that I am already very thankful that he loves the Lord and is being so supportive about me going into fulltime ministry... even though it may possibly mean that we could be living on single income when we are married. On Penang Island, where living expenses are so high, it is no joke!

I digressed. But yeah... anyway...*sigh*. I don't like being so dependent. But, perhaps this is what I would have to give up to follow God's call. Indeed, I've gotta admit that there have been so many blessings poured upon my life, since I went to MBTS. Right, I don't have all I want... but I know God will provide me all that I need. The joy of the Lord in such a case doesn't necessarily come from what we can see - but the anticipation of what we can't see - i.e. what He's got planned out well for us - and the blessedness of being in the center of His will! :) This is the joy of the Lord that gives me strength through my trials. Romans 8:28 - He makes all things work together for good...

How about you? Is the Lord challenging you to give up something today - so that you can follow Him a little closer?

Eeeeeeeks...

I've been eating too much Mc'donald's and KFC lately. Not good, not good... Gained weight already. *sticks out tongue and tries to look innocent but fails* I don't feel like I am fat, but I hate to think that I gained weight eating Mc'donald's. It feels sooooo unhealthy. Yucks.

Sigh, fine. Alangkah baiknya, jikalau saya tidak perlu bimbang dan resah akan tabiat pemakanan saya. From tomorrow onwards, it's back to healthy, balanced meals. No more fast-food for a while. And definitely NO MORE Prosperity Burger. I feel so 'prosperous' now... at the waistline. @_@'

Was kinda unproductive today... and I have an exam on Wednesday! Feel like such a lazy bum! ARGH! The only productive activity I had today was my prayer-time.

Forgive me for the outbursts... Let's hope tomorrow will be a better day.

Guess what? I have to now save up for 2 mission trips this year, on top of my school fees. Dear friends, all your love-gifts are very much welcomed and appreciated :P Please keep me in prayer that the Lord will provide in His way la.

Back to serious work...

Was blessed with a good weekend on the whole.

Saturday: Bible Study in the evening encouraged me to shine for Jesus in everything I do and say. Not because I am forced to adhere to religious laws, but because I've experienced (and am experiencing) God's grace to the fullest measure. Because I've been transformed by His love. Liberated by the truth. Because in Him, I now live. And I'd love to share is with everyone else.

Sunday: Youth Fellowship yesterday was fun. We had really crazy indoor games that were supposed to teach valuable lessons... I'll be giving a talk in the YF on the 28th February - about self-image and eating disorders. Hope it goes well and makes a difference in at least one person's life. I'll have to brew what I'm gonna present very carefully - because this is such a familiar yet difficult topic to work with. Need all the God-given wisdom, strength and anointing I can get! Please keep me in prayer, guys. Dear youths, if you are reading this... and know of friends who are struggling with body image/eating disorders, please invite them to come along too.

Did various odd jobs in church as well. Ben and I went to Tesco's for lunch and a short walk at Courts. It was great to have time to sit down and tête-à-tête... Thank God for the solutions that came out of it too. Totally enjoy being with Ben.

Loads of work in the afternoon... then we went for dinner with his dear parents.

I have an exam this Wednesday... so tra lala... gotta study already (and have to prepare my research presentation for after CNY break's presentation to Dr. Sunny)....even though I am so in a Chinese-New-Year/holiday mood. Bus-ing back to KL this Friday. Can't wait, can't wait, can't can't wait!!!

From my dearest Pig...

Belated birthday gift cum cheer me up pressie cum care-package...

...filled with Rocky and raisin snacks...

And my favourite cereal...

Thanks so much, dear!!!

Empty wrapper...after goodies have been stored in the fridge :)

Saturday

Feeling a little happier today.

Did the scan at Tanjung Hospital. Will know the results on Monday.

Friday

The old health problem is back. Sigh...

Couldn't procrastinate any longer. Went to the doctor's today. Tomorrow, I have another appointment at Tanjung MC for a scan. (Finally!) Hopefully things will be all right soon.

Wanna cry... but I dunno why...

Loneliness... is not great for a time such as this.

On top of that, my boyfriend came down with a flu. I was also very unproductive today. Apart from teaching Xu Wen piano, I accomplished nothing :( Hate being so unfruitful and unmotivated.

How time flies. The month of January is already over. Can't believe I am going back to KL again in a week's time for Chinese New Year! Oolala.

2 blessings I received today:

1. A fresh shower of rain FINALLY came - and yes... the people did not get to burn rubbish behind my place this evening (see previous blog entry). I'm loving the cool winds. Thank You, Lord! And thank you so much, to whoever that prayed for me after reading my previous post, if anyone did :)

2. I wasn't feeling too great today. Was debating between staying at home in the evening or going out for a walk somewhere. Decided to do the former - I stayed at home, watched TV for once... and ordered-in Mc'donald's ~ a prosperity beef regular set meal. Firstly, the rider who delivered my meal could not speak (do you call that 'vocally impaired'?) but seeing his determination to serve and communicate, as well as the bright smile he gave me just before he left, I was rather encouraged.

Secondly (I feel serba salah about this part), I didn't open the takeaway bag straightaway. Later when I finally did, there was 2 sets of burgers and twister fries inside. In my alarm, I checked the receipt - true enough, I had only paid for one set! It was really too late to call the rider back by that time - I just feel bad that my 2 sets of burgers and twisters could have been someone else's - and the rider could have gotten into trouble giving me the 'wrong' bag. However, there were no calls, nothing...and I didn't know what to do... so the extra burger and box of twister fries are still sitting awkwardly on top of my refrigerator, uneaten.

I'd love to give the extra food to a hungry beggar - but it's too late for me to go out alone into that part of the town... Or.... should I just eat the burger for lunch tomorrow? @_@ So serba salah.

Next time, I will open the bag and check the contents before the rider leaves kays?

Hot, hot Thursday...

The weather in Penang is almost unbearably hot. I hope for a refreshing shower of rain here soon. Also.... so that people can't burn rubbish at the back of my flat! Grrrr...

This is what happens behind my flat every evening, since end of last year. I can't even stand sitting in my house without feeling like an animal being smoked out of its cave. It's depressing indeed - especially when I used to have asthma - and I don't want it to flare up, coz I hate using the inhalers. (I am hoping that God provides us an A/C and new window-panes for my living room soon, so that I can close the windows properly and not feel like I am being oven-roasted... ) I shudder to think of the innocent children playing out in the open air without masks or other protective measures. How about the homebound, immobile elderly folks in my block, who cannot afford air-conditioning in the house and therefore cannot possibly keep their windows shut (or they will suffocate)? How about those with respiratory illnesses like COPD or asthma?

Give us a good few years of exposure to air with such bad quality - and the lung cancer cases in C15/16 wards of Hospital Pulau Pinang will be on a steady increase!

Why are people so inconsiderate and ignorant? Gah! Low-cost apartment doesn't mean that you should treat its inhabitants as people with lungs of steel or as people who are saving up for future medical expenses instead of spending our moolah on better facilities and stuff. Where's the love?

Why BURN rubbish outdoors when we've been taught for at least the last 1-2 decades (even back in school) that open-burning is BAD for the environment? Is the weather not hot enough already?

Who do I complain to about open burning? Is it the Bomba?

I have to decide on a research topic for Mr. KC Wong by today. Hopefully!

Courtesy of Jeremy Tee...

A few more pics of our choir ministry trip to Ipoh CGMC :) ~~~ You may click on the individual pictures for enlarged images.

Wednesday ~ 3-2-10

I haven't been sleeping very well for the past few nights.

Perhaps it's the hot climate in Penang approaching Chinese New Year. Last night, I woke up in the middle of the night with a pounding heart - for no apparent reason and felt uncomfortably warm in bed. Listened to the dogs howling and barking in the distance too. Thought I was late for school - but it was only 2.30am. Um, did something happen and I missed it? I had no problem going back to sleep though...

Needless to say, I was drooping in OT Survey class - not to mention I fell asleep countless times too. In front of Pst. Mark :P Hehe. This time, sorry... Minty Mints did not help. @_@'

Today's 'test' on the ancient civillizations of the ANE went well, praise God.

Today's reflection....

Pst. Mark said something in class that made me think alot. How come there were so many more multi-talented people in the past when the technology was much simpler and there were considerably much less books to read? It was interesting to note that education before focused much more on well-rounded enrichment of humanity... while today, education is mainly aimed at increasing functionality of any given person.

Take for example - literature. In the past, people studied it not necessarily so that it would give them better jobs or higher social statuses. Many studied poetry for the sake of appreciating the art in which language is used for its aesthetic and evocative qualities, in addition or in lieu of its apparent meaning, as well as the different styles, forms and techniques from diverse cultures and languages. In contrast, many (no, I don't mean all) of today's generation balk at the idea of studying literature and poetry beyond what is found in our high school/junior college syllabuses. They argue that it would not help them in their chosen career-paths. "Let us take up a course whereby the knowledge obtained can be applied in our jobs! We don't have all that time!" they cry. Unless you want to go into this field in the future, you are probably not very likely to major in literature. Or any form of art for that matter.

Such focus on functionality is very good. But is it necessarily sufficient?

Another great example - medicine. In the past, many studied medicine without necessarily using it as a mainstream career - but rather as an enrichment to their vocations (eg. Leonardo Da Vinci). Today, the expected career path of a medical school graduate is housemanship - leading on to MO-ship, and so on. Step out of it... and you've got a whole throng of people talking behind your back and doubting your rationality. "What a waste!" they exclaim. Having gone through all that, I am even more convinced of the changed roles of education in today's society...

... and not to mention concerned at the quality of education my children will be getting in the future.

A visit to a local bookstore the other day with a friend to purchase some teaching supplies (for ministry purposes) had me rather appalled. I browsed through quite a few English textbooks/reference books on the shelves (not necessarily local) - and was shocked to see how exam-oriented they have become. What happened to fun and creativity in learning?

Gosh, I pray that I have the wisdom, determination, strength and creativity (when I am a mother) to expose my children to well-rounded development of their humanity/beings. Not merely to focus on good academic performance in school - but more importantly, to bring them up in the ways of the Lord, to help them appreciate art as my parents graciously did with us... and to nurture their talents and gifts that they would be instruments of service in God's Kingdom. I want to be a fun mom, one who does things with a difference and a godly influence to my kids.

Make me faithful, Lord.

Things I am thankful for today...

1. The joy of preparing breakfast for someone, even though it was simple fare.

2. Smooth transitions during chapel praise and worship - and our team musicians who played their hearts out.

3. The shopping love-gift Lydia so kindly blessed me with just in time for Chinese New Year - so that I can buy myself something nice. Gtalking briefly to her too :)

4. The love-gifts I suddenly received over the weekend... that add up to an amount nearly enough for a one-way ticket to Poland via KLM. Praise God! ~

(Yeah, thank God for my birthday... and for Chinese New Year :P Hong bao na lai...)

5. A beautiful, heart-warming, encouraging email from Aunty May Ling.

6. The excitement of planning a much awaited meet-up with Ewan kor-kor and Laura jie in just about 2 weeks time. (Ahhh, can't wait, can't wait!)

7. Gtalking to Ben when I was feeling a little down about something - and being lifted up :)

8. Choir practice is on again tomorrow! :D

9. Exam for Intro to Bible will be over tomorrow! :D Yippeeedooo dahhhh!!!!

10. Uncle Ray's bowel operation went well. Thankful that God was with Cyn's family, strengthening them to trust Him... despite all the stress.

11. Accidentally leaving my wallet on the car front passenger's seat after school...and still finding it there, untouched (and my car not broken into) after many hours.

Thank You, Lord.

Tuesday

I turned 26 on Sunday :)

My birthday weekend was good. Celebrations were simple yet meaningful. I have much to thank God, for the year past. Most of all, His continuous presence in my life, through thick and thin...

...and of course many other blessings... as shared in my blog throughout the year :)

Friday:

The card Chik Bu made, and passed around for my MBTS mentoring group mates to sign on Friday...It was supposed to be in the shape of a butterfly... but I at first thought that it was a war-craft :P Oopsie-doopsie.... Thanks, bro! I can feel the love.

Went to Queens at QB for a simple dinner with Ben in the evening... and we watched 'The Tooth Fairy' at the mall. I thought it was a hilarious movie, although I still feel that nothing quite beats 'Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs' in my top 5 favorite animation movies yet. 'Madagascar' too.

Saturday:

Gosh, can't really remember what I did in the morning, except that we went for kuey-tiao soup for breakfast. Went to Perodua workshop too... the bank, etc. There was also quite some work I did, although I also forgot what I did (:P) We went for CG/Bible study at night. Was glad that we still had 5 people present, despite the Thaipusam traffic jams!!! @_@

(Next time, when Thaipusam comes up...please remind me to be under house arrest. Unless I've got school. Can someone teach my car to fly? :P)

We had CG/Bible Study on Saturday... meet my CG leader :P (Dude, u are not supposed to put ur feet on the table...)

The rest of my CG mates who sang me a birthday song after Bible Study. (Zoey, recognize my top?:P)
From left: William, Janet, me and Sau Chan

Sunday:

Youth ministry in the morning...then we went for the 11 o'clock church service. A good, impacting sermon by brother Chong Jin... I also had the privilege of meeting Ee Ling mei-mei again :) Can't wait to meet up soon for lunch or something. Probably when I return to Penang from my CNY trip back to KL! Gosh, it's just next week! (Which reminds me, my dateline for assignments are fast coming up!!!)

After church on Sunday, Ben brought me for lunch at a nice restaurant on Penang Road - a.k.a. Salsas.

It was a great dining experience. Relaxing environment, great food and lovely company. What more could I ask for?*Happy*

Fluffy bread-rolls with butter to accompany the cream-based soups...

Family-friendly environment...nice interior deco too.

My dear boyfriend... *Sayang, sayang*

Me and my yummy lasagne... WOW! It was so good. Not too rich or sharp... and not too subtle. Just right. I'd rate it 9 out of 10. (My mouth is still watering thinking of the beef bacon bits they put into my lasagne - tasted nothing like it in my life!)

Our dessert

A tiny piece of melt-in-your-mouth brownie, mango pudding and a dainty cup of kiwi-fruit ice-cream... Just nice to polish off a spendiferous lunch!

We had Jap food that night at Tsuruya, E Gate. I didn't take any photos though.

Monday:

Met up with Ji in the morning. God is good - So far, He has provided me the money for a one-way ticket to Poland (for mission trip this August) thanks to the combined contributions of my sisters - Ji and Jialin (who's in the States). I shall have faith and wait patiently for more funds to come in. Meanwhile, people... please pray for me.

After a lovely morning out, I came home to this...

Yeah, Ben and I have been repainting my house - when we have free-time. (Ben more than myself) Slowly but surely... Ben was having a replacement holiday on Monday, so for once, we spent Monday together... Painting and making a mess in my home.

Spent Monday evening (after dinner) at Ben's home, with Ben's parents. A very blessed time indeed. We sat around in their dining room (where Aunty Wong was initially reading the Bible, at her usual spot... and Uncle Wong was ironing clothes) and chatted about God and other random stuff.

This concludes my birthday weekend. Now, back to work. Exam tomorrow...