Wednesday

Back from church after MLM and supper with Ben and Aunty Malar.

Didn't get to nap today - I guess I was too full after lunch (was emo, so I stuffed myself silly with food :P This is PMS for sure!) - usually, I'd feel very sleepy after I've finished afternoon prayers. So I'd take a short nap before I continue with my work (when I say 'short' it means 1 hour :P)... but today, I didn't even feel like sleeping after prayers. I had quite a productive day today preparing my stuff for this weekend's sharing though. Praise God! There were many things stuck in my brain for days - I was in denial for a week. Then whenever I tried to write, I'd feel extremely sad and emo somehow. I could only manage to get them out today, by God's grace. Breakthrough! Thanks for praying, dear friend(s).

It was actually not as easy recovering the repressed memories of my eating disorders as I thought it would be. Looking back, it all seemed very dark and yet the details are slowly blurring and fading away with time. However, when I start recalling the details, it makes my skin creep to realize how close I was to death, how great the lies + deceptions I chose to believe... and how ED sucked every bit of life out of me, until I barely knew myself. In those days when I used to purge after binges, thoughts like these always ran through my head:

"Will I ever get out of here? Alive?"
"Will I never get well? Will things grow worse?"
"Will this haunt me forever? The tendency to think and act in this way...?"

I feel like one of those people written about in Psalm 107:17-22 when God delivered me through it and I finally recovered! My 'relationship' with food has come a long way indeed. Weight still fluctuates with stress... but gosh, I enjoy eating now like never before! :D

I have always wondered about this: If I, having known and depended on God, already found it so extremely difficult to recover and free myself from the clutches of ED...what about the thousands of girls out there, who do not know Him - or those who have to suffer in silence and loneliness, in fear of being ridiculed? How many girls out there are wasting away because of EDs?

Tomorrow's Church History class is gonna be super-intensive, I tell you. 8am to 4pm! @_@ urrks... And guess what? Right after that, I am teaching piano... :D