Serena and I outside C8 classroom after lunch today... (I badly need a haircut...and more sleep!)
The weekend is not far off! :)too-tii-too-titooooo....
Had a nap after returning home from school. Thankfully, I woke up after just one hour of blissful slumber... Tonight is the night for swallowing answers ...to be regurgitated tomorrow in the written paper.
I plan to order-in pizza tonight.
I think pizza would go well with evangelism :P ~ Oh, it always does.
To take a break from my research paper on 'Church and its Role in the Healing and Prevention Of Eating Disorders among girls'....
...let me quote something that the famous Reformation theologian, Martin Luther, once said: "You can't stop the birds from flying over your head, but you can stop them from nesting in your hair."
We can choose whether or not to entertain every passing thought. The things we contemplate on get stuck on our minds. The good and the bad. Subsequently, they grow into trees that are known by the fruit of our actions and words.
What are we contemplating on today?
My fiance made a meaningful mention a few days ago about how we can still function quite well without the power of God in our lives. I mean - we are talented human beings, with all kinds of skills. We are quite capable of coming up with programs and projects that look good and are in fact, excellent... If we tried hard enough, we would be impressive.
We are also impatient beings. Today, everything needs to be fast and faster. In this era of modern technology, a life of luxury entails access to the swiftest services the world can offer... and affords a myriad of gadgets, vehicles and machines to conveniently help us get things done much quickly than before.
This is an era of speed. Period.
Left behind is the habit of waiting on God.
Christians, if we are truly honest with ourselves... we would find ourselves not spared from making the mistake of doing things for God depending on our own strength or wisdom - at least once in our lifetime. Being human, we sometimes cannot help but to be caught up with the ways of the world.
We neglect the spiritual discipline of waiting on God... More action. More programs. More. "Bless our plans today, God!" we cry. What happened to, "God, what would you like me to do today?"
However, we can only do this much. Without God, we ultimately accomplish nothing that bears eternal significance. Jesus said in John 15:5 - "I am the Vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing."
Pst. Jeya once shared with us some chim-elogy :P - "Did Jesus say that apart from Him we cannot do anything? No. In fact, we can do something. However it is still nothing."
To quote Ben, "The power of God may seem insignificant in our human ambition to achieve great successes... but it is everything. Without it, we act for the temporary... with God, we act for the eternal."
A little back-tracking... I know. We were at Queensbay on Sunday evening (after watching a movie with Ben's parents)...
Had dinner at Dave's Deli...It was a long wait for our food to arrive at the table.
My beef lasagne came first...
It was YUMMMMM!!!!
Ben's roast chicken finally arrived too...after 20 minutes of waiting. *Phew*
I think he was saying grace :P and I am sure he was thankful...even though he looked so sad.
*Open your mouth please...*
The food was so good (or more like we were SO HUNGRY), that we emptied our plates...
I had a funny sort of Saturday morning during the weekend. It started with me being a pin-cushion...
I went for a full-body check-up at one of the clinics. It involved the general examinations, a lung-function test, BMI calculation, urine test, blood test and ECG. Everything was fine until it was time for me to do a little um...blood-sacrifice.
This was where all the trouble started.
You see, I've never been an easy patient when it comes to blood-taking. You can say that I am an inexperienced-doctor's worst nightmare. My veins are incredibly tough to find, tiny and if you happen to stumble upon one in the crook of my arm, I don't yield much blood. Often, the doctors give up trying to draw blood from anterior aspect of my elbow... and switch to a vein from my hand or wrist.
First, I should mention that I had drunk a ridiculous amount of water that morning - just so that I could empty my bladder to give a substantial urine sample. I was still waiting for the call of nature, when I was called... into the blood-taking room instead.
The biochemist who was to potentially 'break-the-record' (or so I hoped), didn't seem fazed when I told her about my 'problem'. She prepared the needles and placed a tourniquet on my arm...
I thought, "Uh-oh. OK, here goes..."
After examining my arm, my biochemist realized that I was not kidding about my 'difficult veins'. Started tapping, tapping, tapping and tapping on the anterior aspect of my elbow... until she was practically slapping it in frustration. *Yeouccch* (Ganas betul!) She would occasionally stop slapping to feel around with her fingers for veins. No veins responded or appeared. I sighed. She decided to insert the needle by faith anyway.
By the time she had finished all the slapping, I was already numbed. The needle pierced my skin and moved around, desperately hoping to puncture a vein. No such luck. After quite some time of moving the needle in all directions under my skin and pumping the syringe to suck up some blood, the biochemist who looked really tired and nervous (I felt so sorry for her) announced reluctantly, "I will have to use a different spot."
I said, "It's OK. Relax!!!" Gave her the most friendly smile I could possibly muster. (I knew how she felt - coz I was once in her shoes)
I thought, "But I want to pee..."
She tried again. Same arm. Slap, slap. Feel for vein. Slap, slap and SLAP! The needle went in clean after a long time... and this time, it did puncture a vein. Bravo! However, she did not manage to get much blood. Pumped and pumped the syringe too. I was starting to smart with pain... and since there was still not much blood, she decided that she'd try the other arm.
This was when Ben, who was sitting outside, got REALLY worried (I had been in there for a good 20 minutes or so) - he talked to another biochemist outside and told her to rescue me. (My dear is such a hero! :P) And so, yes, this time, a different biochemist jabbed me, on a different arm....
BLOOD! At last! Not much, but still... it was just enough to fill up all the lab test-tubes...
I heaved a big sigh of relief!
This was the longest blood-taking session ever. 30 minutes for a few tiny test-tubes of blood. I think I proved to be my first biochemist's worst nightmare.
I ran to the bathroom after that for a good pee. The End.
"...Season of singleness, and its own myriad of joys... I have truly learnt much, in this beautiful season. There were surely many ups and downs - but one thing stayed constant - God's immense, unfailing faithfulness...that made this season a very sweet season on the whole! I imagine - when that day for me to progress to a whole new season all together finally arrives, there would certainly be a teeny-weeny bit of reluctance to give up the comforts of the past season I have grown so accustomed to! But praise God - more than that, there would be unsurpassed joy and peace, knowing that the Lord had prepared the way for me and that all I've gone through did prepare me to welcome the new season with open arms.
That season I had no one but the Lord
was lonely at times, and I ached for company.
There were many roads I felt hard and long,
and dearly wished someone would walk with me...
There were days I could use a good cry,
but there were no shoulders to cry on.
There were moments I felt like singing
but alas! Nobody sang the same song...
That season I had no one but Him alone
I kept praying for a special friend
Someone who would share my gladness and sadness -
faithful, 'til the very end.
The Lord took my hand, tenderly He drew me close
"Here I am, can't you feel my love?
You've been crying, and I've grieved for your tears
But I've rejoiced and sung about you in My courts above...
Do I not satisfy you more than any lover?
Did my rod and staff not comfort you?
As you walked through the valley of shadow of death...
did you not know that it was I who guided you through?
As the season goes slowly by
Come unto Me and I will give you rest
I will teach you the joy of waiting
As you remember...great is My faithfulness.
Count all other blessings, name them one by one
Upon your life, these I've abundantly poured...
Even as you sow seeds on the grounds I've prepared
Be of good cheer - I promise you a harvest in store!"
That season I had no one but the Lord
was still lonely at times, when I needed company
but I started to hunger for His familiar presence
and the sweetness of praying on bended knee.
There were still many roads I felt hard and long,
but the comfort He gave through new-found friends
was abundantly more than I could have asked or imagined
through every odd and end...
Now perhaps this season might soon adjourn
I shall only remember that it was full of sweetness...
More than anything, the special Friend I've grown to love the most
Nothing would make me love Him any less."
"...God, I thank Thee for a most beautiful journey through medical school. Through my years of eating disorders. Through the valley of the shadow of death. And along the paths Thou hast guided me upon, by Thy mercy and grace.
A beautiful journey, that road to remember
Has many stories to tell...
Of tears and sorrow, sickness and pain
Yet, also the Healer's touch that makes well.
Of those days when the clouds hid the moon
or when the sun refused to shine
Yet, also the comfort of prayer and the strength it brings
through abiding closely in the Vine...
The songs we have sung to awaken the dawn
Will forever remain in my heart
When I wake again to greet the morn,
jubilant joy these impart!
A friend's embrace, many a meaningful word,
Helping hands that never tire or grow less
And people who willingly walk the extra mile...
With all these I've been greatly blessed...."
"...People say that world is a dark and tumultous place. But somehow, I think...when you place the light of God in any place of darkness, it illuminates so brightly and gives out a prism of colours, that darkness pales in comparison. And we will still find beautiful things to be happy and thankful about.
Paint my world,
Cause it to shine
Hold my heart still
with Your glory divine.
Flood all the darkness,
purge it with light
And rainbows would appear
as frantic storms take flight!"
RANDOM: A pic of Ai Hua and I before I left for Poland...
Quite often, I have 'jumping dreams' in my sleep, whereby I'd be leaping many feet into the air, bouncing and running across open spaces that feel like there are springs underground (just like on a trampoline). It is an awesome, unforgettable feeling. I'd feel so free, so light, so unburdened... and nothing else seems to matter, in those flying high moments.
Strange and funny it is... but I believe that God helps me even in my dreams! I occasionally dream that I am running away from my enemies...and when that happens, my feet are given the supernatural power to run swiftly like a gazelle and leap like a deer....
Cool, huh?
Whatever the interpretation of those dreams, one thing I know for sure - is that God girds us with strength and makes us overwhelmingly conquer through Christ who loves us. (Romans 8:37)
Recently, there seems to have been a break-through in the lives of a few people whom God has faithfully helped me to pray for (even though I was often not as faithful as I should have been - and I am sure that I was not the only person praying for them, haha) and whose lives I was privileged to have been given some tiny little seeds to sow throughout the years. In case you are thinking of applauding me and telling me, "Good job", please DON'T. :D It is God's glory - I shall not claim it for myself...because honestly (I am not pretending to be modest either), I did not do anything much. It was God who guided my hands to sow the seeds... and then, He watered them Himself, nurtured them tenderly when I thought nothing was going to happen... and voila! They did grow.
I was most encouraged and humbled to hear from these people. Firstly, their testimonies reminded me that God, by His grace, is able to make dry bones become as flesh... to raise man from the dead... and is able to break hearts of stone. With God, all things are possible.
Furthermore, I was assured that God, by His grace, is able to '...lead me to the rock that is higher than I...' (Ps 60:1-2) when my heart is faint and all I can do is to call out to Him -even from the ends of the earth.
I remember those times. Yes, I turned away from Him - and as expected, fell headlong into the dark and musty pits. Ah, the bitter hopelessness and desperation. And me, biting the dust. The same, stupid mistakes over and over again.
But every time, He did come for me.
He came. God came - with no condemnation, but love. With no taunts and sneers...but the offer of new hope, healing and restoration. And that marked the coming of the new, and the departure of the old. I am not there yet. My life ain't over. There are days of struggling, days of making those stupid mistakes (and falling into pits), days of immense spiritual dryness... days of unmotivated-ness...but Jesus. Jesus, my Lord will not stop weaning me back and helping me to overcome... until He finally calls me Home.
Salvation is therefore not merely a ticket to heaven, but the beginning of knowing God. It is a journey with many mountains to climb but so that we may conquer and descend on the other side having experienced the unsurpassed grace of God a little bit more. It is about defeating the Goliath of our fears as we learn God's love for us. It is a catalyst for transformation - even in the most screwed-up lives.
Ultimately, salvation is God's gift, through Christ.
Above: The yummy kebabs we had from a fast-food place at Katowice train station, South Poland.The perks of today...
1. Waving to a neighbor in the car-park of my flat... coz he graciously reversed his car and made way, so that I could drive my car out of the narrow exit. One thing I like about my block... the Malays, Indians and Chinese are usually nice to one another. There's something sweet and beautiful about unity in diversity. Ultimately, it reflects the nature and pattern of the Triune God...as well as His pattern. For example:
....so God created human beings in His own image, in the image of God He created them; male and female He created them... (Gen 1:27)
....for this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh... (Gen 2:24)
....Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ...Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it... (1 Cor 12:12-27)
The Bible affirms us, "How good and pleasant it is when God's people live together in unity....For there, the LORD bestows His blessing, even life forevermore." (see Ps 133:1-3)
2. Marveling on how entering the W.C heightens one's urgency to pee (of course, one must have had the urge to pee in the first place - to be entering the bathroom!) - unless it's really too dirty, then the body seems to protest and have the opposite reaction... The sights and smells in our environment do play important roles in stimulating our brain to elicit through the most complex pathways, the most genius involuntary or voluntary responses... Furthermore, it is awesome how a simple action like peeing can serve as an indicator of our body fluid and electrolyte balance, hydration status and even our endocrine function....amongst many other bodily functions.
Indeed, we are fearfully and wonderfully made; masterpieces of an eternal, infinite God.
3. Replying all the emails that have been accumulating in my Gmail inbox for the past 2 weeks or so... *Victory* ...while chatting to Lydia.
Anyway...before I return to my scores-of-assignments...let me share a part of the passage I read today:
'But when anyone turns to the LORD, the veil is taken away. Now the LORD is the Spirit and where the Spirit of the LORD is, there is freedom. And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the LORD's glory, are being transformed into His image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the LORD, who is the Spirit.' (2 Cor 2:16-18)
note: the veil = the veil that prevented the people from seeing God's glory in the Old Covenant
For very long, even after I became a Christian, I did not understand what it meant to be 'unveiled' and its implications.
For example, I remained in my eating disorders even though I was one with an 'unveiled face'...because rather than contemplating on God's glory, I obsessed over my imperfections...over and over again...and saw no hope. Because I felt that I needed to do something about my imperfections, I engaged in the vicious cycles of binge and purge, or restricted my food consumption. It was only when I learned to delight in who God is, His magnificence, His goodness, His beauty, His works, His redemption and most of all, His love, I found myself compelled to deny myself and follow Him...
...This was also when I realized that I wanted to stop hurting myself, stop trying to be somebody the world covets, to love my body and take care of myself well, that I can serve Him. That His purposes for my life would be fulfilled. That I would be able to present to my husband and children the gift and benefits of my health. That I would be able to live long enough to see all my passions, talents and gifts produce fruits that would please my Creator.Indeed, Ps 37:4 is correct when it claims, "Take delight in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart..."
I am being released day by day into life in abundance. It's still a long journey ahead.
Where the Spirit of the LORD is, there is freedom. May this truth keep propelling me forward. Maranatha. This I pray, for those who are still looking for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Went to Singapore to attend a seminar organized by Grace Baptist Church's women ministry on Saturday. God really provided all I needed for this trip... exceedingly and abundantly more than I could ask or imagine... I flew to Singapore from Penang on Friday...and back to Penang yesterday.
The venue of the conference - Holiday Inn Atrium on Outram Road.
Me - do I look the picture of contentment or what? :P (The eyebags and dark eye-rings are from last week's sleep deprivation)
The theme of the seminar - 'The Beauty of True Contentment' - a very timely seminar to attend... I could feel God do an 'open surgery' on my heart.
Waiting for the seminar to start...
During one of the 'break-out' sessions... Me reflecting on my discontentments in life... :/
The ladies in my room, during Bible study...
The MC of the seminar... I really liked her. Unfortunately, I don't have good pictures of the speaker of our seminar.
Met up with Natalie for dinner at 'The Soup Spoon' at VivoCity Mall... :) One of the highlights of my trip.
Went to church (T.O.C) on Sunday morning...
Before service started... We went early, coz Ji had a worship practice in the morning...and I didn't want to get um... left behind... coz I am not familiar with MacPherson's area...
Here is my beautiful Laura jie... with hubby, Ewan korkor... and their baby girl, Hannah Grace...who is a few weeks old. The last time I came to Singapore in June, jie was doing night-cycling with us...and Hannah Grace, snuggly-wuggly in jie's belly!!!
The beautiful little princess... *heart melts* Hannah, Aunty Grace loves you very, very, very much!!! :) May you grow up to be a godly woman like your mummy... and have the wisdom of your daddy...The woman's conference was really good. (Kudos to the committed team of organizers!) Although I didn't know anyone at first... (I do like adventures like this)... I had made up my mind to enjoy myself - and I did.
How gracious God is... I was able to find my way to the venue of the conference in the morning, and then during our first break-out session, someone sat down next to me... and she randomly said, "I am a final year seminary student..." and that was when we found out that we had something in common! She is another BTS student... like myself... but only in Singapore. Violet is amazing. I honestly don't know how she manages to juggle between MDIV, mummyhood and her ministry.
The food was really good. *sheepish smile* I have come to accept the fact that I am not one with a small appetite. I ate so much, that the aunties seated at my table exclaimed, "Woooaaaaah, you can really eat..."... and I was like, "Yeah...."
No wonder not many guessed that I was 'the Grace' in the powerpoint testimony presented in the morning about my eating disorders... I now look and behave nothing like one who has ever loathed food. But then again, once they knew... it must have been to them a testimony of God's sovereignty and power... to break the chains of ED and to set me free!
However, if Ben reads this, I bet he would just shrug and say, "Told you so..." Coupled with a mischievous grin on his face. *tsk tsk tsk* I am forever trying to protest against his claim that I eat more than him. Of course I do not eat more than him! This is ridiculous...
Subsequently, I thought it was very timely that I came to Singapore for the conference.
Firstly... in the past 2 years, God has been bringing me the message of Elijah, the Ravens, the brook, the widow and Baal at times of great unrest in my soul - through the mouths of different preachers. This year, it is no different. I have been anxious for the past few months about something I couldn't do much about. Today, God brought me the message again - through a Bible study we were doing in one of the break-out sessions... It cut me to the heart; I was deeply moved and recognized that He was telling me to WAIT on Him. I trust that He would somehow make all things fall into place and provide me all my needs.
Secondly, in MBTS chapel this week, our president, Dr. John Ong, preached on Psalm 23. That day, I was half-asleep after a late night... so I caught bits and pieces of the whole sermon... This afternoon, the speaker spoke on Psalm 23 again... elaborating it a little more... and I had a sudden thought in my head... "GOD IS SPEAKING TO ME!!!" Listened intently to the speech... and I found that it addressed my situation, my worries, my doubts, etc... I sensed that He was telling me to wait on Him again!
Right after the conference was over, Aunty ML passed me an envelope which I later realized that God had provided me another month's of supplies. *thankful and touched* It was indeed a beautiful form of assurance for me that God has listened to my prayers. Later, something came up in my conversation with someone... which I felt could imply that God could have started opening some doors... as an answer to our prayers (Ben's and mine).
Surely, His goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
It was also good to meet up with Natalie, a very dear younger sister-in-Christ.
Lord, today I have been very blessed. Thank You, Jesus.
Thank You, God for answered prayers.... for never ceasing to draw my friend back to You and that she finally responded to Your touch after so long. Thank You for accepting her, just as she is... for enabling her to feel the sweetness of Your grace and lovingkindness again... for beginning the healing and restoration work in her. What a miracle!!! Today is a day I will always look back on and remember forever. God, indeed.... You are good. Thine mercies endureth!
To my dear friend and beloved sis-in-Christ...
I love you, jie. We've missed you. And I am so encouraged and humbled...that you are back at last.
3 gorgeous pictures a team-mate from ETOP sent me...
Thankful for the 2 new pairs of jeans Ben bought from the States for his dear moi.... :) My previous pairs do make my legs look fat :P - Sorry for being vain... but I do love jeans that hug at the right places...and enhance the curves in one's legs...
I've got loads on my mind recently...
Assignment deadlines, my trip to Singapore this weekend, ministry, my relationship and wedding prep, money concerns, friends, etc...
Regarding my assignments, they have been involving a lot of brain work - thinking, wrestling with conflicting ideas (thanks to our theology III classes), coming up with new ideas, connecting words and trying to goreng. So blogging has been taking the backseat in my daily routines...especially this week.
Anyway... let's see... something random.....
Ah, today, something reminded me of the time when Ben and I had just begun our courtship. I remembered how God helped us through all the difficulties and toughest moments, answered our prayers and came to our rescue whenever we thought we'd never get through the bitter 'winters'... My heart swelled with thankfulness.
And then I suddenly missed Ben so badly... even while I was at school.
But I missed God more.
I need more time. I need to get my work done faster... so I can spend more time in the Word as well as reading and writing.
God, please make my brain work faster... and help me not to be a perfectionist.
I know it's technically today is not the date on which I was born...
...but I turn 9 today... in my spiritual walk with God! :)
Thank You, Lord for 9 beautiful years of knowing You, and many yet to come. Also, forgive me whenever I have strayed. Keep me close to You and may I find joy in Your presence all the days of my life.
This morning, Dr. Sunny Tan told us to use less adjectives in our academic essays.
We chuckled. I sighed.
I am drowning in assignments...and it's only the first day of the new term. Ugh. The busyness is dulling my creativity, I think.
Had the opportunity to catch up with a few of my friends. So many things have happened over the span of the 1.5 month I was abroad. I wonder why. Hearing those things shared made me a little sad and reflective.
The only constant thing about change is change. I feel like I've changed in the past 3 months. Something in my heart... something in my character... something in the way I used to behave and think. I've changed. People have changed. Each and every day, we face obstacles that either alter the direction of our footsteps or slow us down - at least the tiniest bit. The year doesn't usually end as everyone expects... The most unexpected things crop up just when we thought we've had our lives well mapped out and we change plans to adapt to the new circumstances. We deal with the consequences of yesterday's choices... and then we have to move on... or we'd live in regret or a wistful longing to recapture the glories of our yesterdays. Whichever it is, a change has taken place. We can perhaps make a U-turn where we've made mistakes... but we will never be the same again. New experiences, new knowledge, new relationships, new ideas, new lessons, new growth, new challenges...each day brings us to acquire new things. Whether or not we realize it. Life is just confusing that way...
But God never changes.
It is also awesome that we will never need a new Savior.
School starts tomorrow. *Groan*
I'm rather gloomy today...but I am happy that Ben and I got to have dinner with Matthew and Kevin. I am also thankful that Ben has been ever so sweet to help me get my house ready for school over the long weekend...
You see, we've had major renovation works in here for the past few weeks (coz it's part of the wedding preparations)...In the past 2 weeks, we needed some help with the windows, air-con and awning... and since I was on holiday, we called in the amazing service-providers to help us with the mentioned. As a result, the tiny flat I live in (which will be our first house after we're married) was all dusty-musty and really unpleasant to live in - since I returned from Poland. Things were everywhere, dust was everywhere too... Yes, even my lumpy-bumpy sofa had been given away... and the only comfortable spot was my bed. Ben came to help me clean up the whole place, re-organize, fix the lights, paint the second room... and now, my humble abode looks extremely cosy again even though it's minus my favorite sofa... *snuggles*
If you are wondering why we are getting the house ready now, when the wedding is only in May next year... well, we've been doing the house bit by bit since the beginning of this year... and we plan to continue to do it bit by bit till we begin our lives together as husband and wife. Most of the facelift is D.I.Y - we paint the walls ourselves, put up the shelves ourselves, construct the furnitures... scout around for good bargains (furniture, simple decos, etc) whenever we are free... etc. It is a great way to save money - while God has been so faithful to provide, we felt that we needed to be good stewards of the money and not spend unnecessarily. Planning, designing and working on the house together has also strengthened our relationship. Ben's parents have helped us alot... and it was fun to work together with the family as well (although, I must say...that I do the least work)
Yup, yup...so that's a little about the wedding prep...
And yes... back to what I was saying - the new school term starts tomorrow!!!
Thank God, Dr. Vincent's assignments are done... I have Dr. Brewster's CCM paper to write still...
Been extremely busy. Won't be writing much today.... I really need to finish my assignments...
...but just for the random record, I had awesome Maggi Goreng and Roti Telur with Iced Milo at Kayu's yesterday!!!
Bye-bye everyone... to those celebrating Hari Raya, my best wishes... :)
It's still today. I am still stuck in Isaiah 6:1-13... and tomorrow hasn't arrived.
These 2 weeks are very, very busy weeks indeed. Loads of unfinished assignments, school begins next week, worship-leading in chapel this coming Tuesday, playing the piano in chapel on Wednesday and I'm flying off to Singapore on the 17th to get down there in time for a conference on Saturday the 18th (the only thing I am looking forward to at this time).
I feel so burdened and worried... >.< God, help!!!
Thankfully one of my lecturers (for Church, Child and Mission) gave me an extension on deadline.
To make myself feel better, I downed an extra gigantic and chunky chocolate-chip-and-almond cookie after a greasy lunch this afternoon. *burp* mmm....mmm........mmmmmmm......
A gym workout will add even more endorphins... I was at R.H gym yesterday venting my frustrations... now, my thighs are pleasantly aching. LOL. However, I am not sure if this will be feasible today... (I think I need a proper gym membership somewhere nearer to my house...)
More than anything, I need God!
Thankfully, I don't have to be anywhere tonight.
I am still in Isaiah 6:1-13 for goodness sake!!!
I've been so stressed in the past few days that my stomach has been knotting up in gastritis every night. Suddenly I can't remember the last time I pooped... (eww, sorry, sorry...)
I realize that I have Dr. Vincent Ooi phobia, although I really like him. I think I fear his marking style more than anything. I fear exceeding the word limit. I know, I know, I am supposed to do my assignments with faith... but I am human, you know...
Thought I'd have some caffeine to go with my paper yesterday afternoon... but unfortunately, I over-dosed on coffee... so I nearly passed out in the gym from tachycardia.
One of my favorite moments of the day is when I log into my blog and start typing out a new post.
For many years, it has been a sort of 'freedom'.
I am not a natural-talker. I was more silent in my earlier years because I did not know how to express my deeper thoughts through spoken words and I was afraid of being laughed at by my hearers... My thoughts seemed to have quite the knack of disorganizing themselves when I wanted to voice them out. Perhaps it was my lack of self-esteem. Or perhaps, I feared rejection while I so desired the acceptance of my peers. As a form of 'escape mechanism', I lived as a fake, wore masks to hide my vulnerability and lived out the perfect stories I had made up about myself the best I could. In fact, I started believing in them! However, I think God who had known me before I even existed foresaw the many struggles I would have to go through in my childhood and adolescence... so He mercifully and graciously made sure that the talents He had placed in me for His Kingdom purposes were developed pretty early in my life - so that while I had yet to know Him, I would be able to enjoy engaging in them as a form of 'refuge' in my confusions. Most of my expressions were accomplished on paper (as random journal jots, fiction, ink-sketches, pencil drawings and other forms of art-work), through dance and most often, in wordless musical compositions. Whether joyful or tearful, my heart overflowed upon such media (if not through tears!) and this was important to me. It was through these, I seemed to find the affirmation I needed whilst I did not know my Maker. Of course I had to learn to put my security in God when I had found Him and to treat these talents as instruments to serve the King of kings - but they did suffice as temporary, imperfect sources of encouragement, all the while drawing me back to their sovereign Giver.
When I came to know God, there were so many beautiful things about Him I often wanted to share but found much difficulty verbalizing. I did not want so much of an audience as I used to have when I performed and I did not want to have to impress, but I wished to testify all the same - not of myself, but of my God. I also slowly grew passionate about people and building sincere friendships - so I longed to encourage. At the same time, I had yet to break away from eating disorders, in which I was still deeply entrenched - but I too couldn't find a vent for my frustrations (and I did not know if I would ever be healed).
In my 2nd year of med school (a short while after my 20th birthday), i.e. 2004, I stumbled across the 'magical world' of blogging, thanks to a dear sister, Jia Lin, who introduced me to it. My blog became a very dear and tangible portion of God's grace to me. Didn't think that I'd keep up with it this long... but when I moved over from my old blog to this one, I was overwhelmed by the number of posts I had come up with! There were happy posts, sad ones, emo ones... and boy, they did bring back many bittersweet memories! I was reminded that I had both loved much and lost much, but as long as God was in the picture, there was unsurpassed beauty, difficult to be captured by mere words. I laughed at the geeky pictures of myself and wondered how I even dared to put them up in the first place. I was amazed at how inspired I was to write a little about my Eternal Lover each day... and thankful for how far I have come in various areas of my life, especially my recovery from E.Ds. Last but not least, it helped me to remember all who had faithfully sown a little humble but precious seeds in my life and made it sweet so that I could taste and see that God is good. Of course, all indications that my blog had encouraged at least a few people who read my blog on a regular basis brought me much hope as well - that somehow, God would use this gift He had given me to make a difference in the lives of the people He loves.
I know some people think that blogging can be a very exhibitionist's thing...and I agree no less that it is so easy to be fake or to show-off if we are not careful. It is also certainly not a place to air out one's most private and personal matters that should be kept secret. However, I am just thankful that my blog has helped me to express myself to at least my readers (mostly friends and family) in a more real way...and ever grateful for the freedom and joy it offers me when I sit down to think and express my thoughts and heart to those who matter much to me in words they can understand and relate to. Lastly, my blog has become a way to daily update my partners-in-ministry, family, prayer partners and those who support me financially about my life without having to write impersonal mass emails. All glory unto my Lord and God, Jesus Christ.
And just for the random record... :P
And now....with the grown-up eye-bags....and the reduced size of my cheeks :S - I don't know what happened... but I know it happened sometime after Sandakan mission trip last year.
*Grin* (I want my cheeks back!)Dream big....
I know this is perhaps random and unrelated... but my mind just had to wander a little whilst I was doing my Isaiah 6 exegesis...
Why are these winged insects (which I am eyeing) attracted to my white table-lamp? Do they feel nice basking in this particular wavelength of light ray?
Anyway...
Hey, hey, guess what? Tomorrow (in the morning), I graduate from being a probational driver on the roads to a full-fledged one!!! Yippeee!!!
I am also a little proud that I learned driving in Penang... :P And survived the crazy drivers so far. (Sorry my Penangite friends... it's not necessarily a bad thing...but well, if we can drive in Penang, we can probably drive nearly anywhere... ) Yes, I did get into some weird car accidents in my two years on the Penang roads... but not major ones. Praise God for His protection and grace, especially when my driving was lousy... and praise God for the many patient passengers who have sat in my car - and taught me how to drive... You guys (and gals) are really nice teachers...
And to my fiance, Ben, whom I sometimes drive up the wall at times with the weirdest things I happen to do on the roads, hehehe... I am so sorry... but I so appreciate your mercy and love. I love you.
I thought I'd watch 'Ice Kacang Puppy Love' for laughs yesterday night...Armed myself with chips and stuff. The results were quite...um... unbelievable.
I ended up howling and bawling like a baby instead. (Much to Ben's bewilderment, poor guy...) *Wet eyes, sniffling nose and alot of toilet paper displaced from the bathroom into the dustbin, soggy from their brief encounter with my nose...*
Sigh... Ah well, I liked it that it was so real - not your typical 'Happily after ever' ending. It is how most of my 'stories' ended in the past too... so it just reminded me of a few people I know... *cough* Also, it was a very good, touching and artistic Malaysian production, I am proud to say. Highly recommended.
Malaysia boleh!
Nevertheless, an emofy-ing dream plagued my sleep last night. To my surprise, the person I thought and dreamt of texted me this morning... out of the blue! Life is full of surprises, I know... but this cannot be a co-incidence I think. Perhaps, it is a clear sign that I should pray more fervently for her. Lord, please give her the rainbow of your covenant.
I had lunch with Ee Ling this afternoon, for which I am uberly grateful. You see, in the past few days, I have been trying to pray and figure out what to do about my life. Today, I voiced out my thoughts to E.L, and she was so encouraging about it that I feel so assured now. Man, I seem to be walking the most unconventional paths ever -___-" ...But if this is the way to stay in the center of God's will... I'd love to say this some day: "It has been great adventure...It also has been great fun..." ~ and Jesus shall be my Lord forever and ever.
I'm on a mission!!!
Didn't manage to get too much work done yesterday night... because it was FRIDAY NIGHT! ~ and I think it is crime for me to be doing assignments on my favorite evening of the week.
To celebrate Friday, Ben and I had a leisurely dinner at Teo Chew Meng and a good discussion about my M.CS and M.Div dilemma, lepak-ed in Tesco Extra to walk off our distended tummies (we were too lazy to scout for a parking lot at the mall on a Friday night - not to mention, the malls would be terribly congested with people and traffic), and watched 'The Bounty Hunter' for laughs.
Today, after a good lunch of Hakka Mee, laundry and some other random things, I am back to the exegesis of Isaiah 6:1-13. *_* - Hope to get past verse 3 before CG meeting/Bible Study tonight.
Happy weekend, folks!!!
Third day of shoving my way through pages of words, still hoping for key-words to light up in neon and digging out all the relevant data I can get (without plagiarism - how tempting)!
Thank God for a good break from the exegesis last night though. Had dinner with my beautiful friend, Rachel, whose faith always encourages and inspires me somehow. Later in the evening, Ben took me out for a drink at the mamak stall. I continued my assignments after we slurped down the last of our iced milos. *alas* Nevertheless, I ended the 'earlier' part of my evening with a big smile!
After a nearly sleepless night (brain went over-active after the vigorous mental exercises), I had to roll out of bed early this morning to drive to MBTS for a appointment with our academic dean. (Yes, I made an appointment with Dr. Sunny out of desperation...)
Great. I am right smack on yet another crossroads.
Basically Dr. Sunny gave me another option in pursuing my studies at MBTS - which actually (now that I think of it) fits better with my situation... i.e. Master of Christian Studies (MCs).
MCs offers much of the foundation needed if I were to pursue a more specific major in the future, while covering the relevant areas of equipping for servant leadership or full-time church vocation even... I am starting to feel more and more that M.Div is really too long a course for one who is not sure that she is called to be a pastor.... and even so, Dr. Sunny said that MCs would suffice.
If I do switch to MCs, I will be able to graduate end of next year (no internship needed), start working in a field of interest, be free of assignments and gosh... the best part? - I can finally bless people (and Rachel Chan won't have to threaten me with the nasi lemak thingy :P - coz I will be able to buy her better meals...and she cannot stop me from paying anymore...)
Dr. Sunny's words echo in my head. "Do you really need an M.Div?" Seriously, if M.Div is just going to be an academic title for me, then why should I need to pursue it so ardently? Ultimately, servanthood in the Kingdom of God is about the heart. With MCs, the right heart and the Holy Spirit, what more can I ask for?
Having said that, I am still not sure of course. I need to pray about this.
...of doing the Isaiah 6:1-13 exegesis.
I've not done this in a while...camwhoring I mean...and boy, I look weird...*cheers* --> half-hearted one...but may God help me to fully enjoy myself piah-ing these 2 weeks... :P
Anyway, was driving to the bank today... and I thought... how clever my brain is... particularly when it comes to money.
Every month, I can keep mental accounts of how much I've spent from a certain fund and how much of the quota I have left for the month (eg. petrol fund, utility bills fund, food fund, etc).... remember how much money I have left in the bank (and panic a bit)... strategize how to move money around all the funds that I can spend more on food (bare necessities)...
On top of it, when my cerebrum perceives that my funds are dropping drastically or forsees great future expenditures happening - the part of my brain that controls my emotions will make sure that I feel 'emo' so that I become extremely kiam-siap and start stinging like crazy. And then since the soul (mind, will and emotions) and the spirit are connected, I will be influenced (when helpless) to pray to God and ask for more provisions.
Seminary life not only equips the brain... but it sure helps other centers of the brain to develop too.
