Grace Points: Blogging - God's portion of grace

One of my favorite moments of the day is when I log into my blog and start typing out a new post.

For many years, it has been a sort of 'freedom'.

I am not a natural-talker. I was more silent in my earlier years because I did not know how to express my deeper thoughts through spoken words and I was afraid of being laughed at by my hearers... My thoughts seemed to have quite the knack of disorganizing themselves when I wanted to voice them out. Perhaps it was my lack of self-esteem. Or perhaps, I feared rejection while I so desired the acceptance of my peers. As a form of 'escape mechanism', I lived as a fake, wore masks to hide my vulnerability and lived out the perfect stories I had made up about myself the best I could. In fact, I started believing in them! However, I think God who had known me before I even existed foresaw the many struggles I would have to go through in my childhood and adolescence... so He mercifully and graciously made sure that the talents He had placed in me for His Kingdom purposes were developed pretty early in my life - so that while I had yet to know Him, I would be able to enjoy engaging in them as a form of 'refuge' in my confusions. Most of my expressions were accomplished on paper (as random journal jots, fiction, ink-sketches, pencil drawings and other forms of art-work), through dance and most often, in wordless musical compositions. Whether joyful or tearful, my heart overflowed upon such media (if not through tears!) and this was important to me. It was through these, I seemed to find the affirmation I needed whilst I did not know my Maker. Of course I had to learn to put my security in God when I had found Him and to treat these talents as instruments to serve the King of kings - but they did suffice as temporary, imperfect sources of encouragement, all the while drawing me back to their sovereign Giver.

When I came to know God, there were so many beautiful things about Him I often wanted to share but found much difficulty verbalizing. I did not want so much of an audience as I used to have when I performed and I did not want to have to impress, but I wished to testify all the same - not of myself, but of my God. I also slowly grew passionate about people and building sincere friendships - so I longed to encourage. At the same time, I had yet to break away from eating disorders, in which I was still deeply entrenched - but I too couldn't find a vent for my frustrations (and I did not know if I would ever be healed).

In my 2nd year of med school (a short while after my 20th birthday), i.e. 2004, I stumbled across the 'magical world' of blogging, thanks to a dear sister, Jia Lin, who introduced me to it. My blog became a very dear and tangible portion of God's grace to me. Didn't think that I'd keep up with it this long... but when I moved over from my old blog to this one, I was overwhelmed by the number of posts I had come up with! There were happy posts, sad ones, emo ones... and boy, they did bring back many bittersweet memories! I was reminded that I had both loved much and lost much, but as long as God was in the picture, there was unsurpassed beauty, difficult to be captured by mere words. I laughed at the geeky pictures of myself and wondered how I even dared to put them up in the first place. I was amazed at how inspired I was to write a little about my Eternal Lover each day... and thankful for how far I have come in various areas of my life, especially my recovery from E.Ds. Last but not least, it helped me to remember all who had faithfully sown a little humble but precious seeds in my life and made it sweet so that I could taste and see that God is good. Of course, all indications that my blog had encouraged at least a few people who read my blog on a regular basis brought me much hope as well - that somehow, God would use this gift He had given me to make a difference in the lives of the people He loves.

I know some people think that blogging can be a very exhibitionist's thing...and I agree no less that it is so easy to be fake or to show-off if we are not careful. It is also certainly not a place to air out one's most private and personal matters that should be kept secret. However, I am just thankful that my blog has helped me to express myself to at least my readers (mostly friends and family) in a more real way...and ever grateful for the freedom and joy it offers me when I sit down to think and express my thoughts and heart to those who matter much to me in words they can understand and relate to. Lastly, my blog has become a way to daily update my partners-in-ministry, family, prayer partners and those who support me financially about my life without having to write impersonal mass emails. All glory unto my Lord and God, Jesus Christ.

And just for the random record... :P

One year ago from today...

And now....with the grown-up eye-bags....and the reduced size of my cheeks :S - I don't know what happened... but I know it happened sometime after Sandakan mission trip last year.