Feeling Blue...

...and convinced that it is time to sleep. I will awaken before the break of dawn to continue doing my assignments then.

Well at least today was more productive than yesterday.

Wednesday

First of all, I received a Kreativ Blogger Award today from Natalie at Eating to Live. Thank you, dear! I think this is the 3rd blog award I've received this year...and I am truly grateful.

What you are supposed to do when you receive it: Share 7 things about yourself and pass it on to 7 other bloggers who inspire you...

All right. Lemme see.... Hmm. 7 things about myself:

1. I used to write and illustrate my own novels as a child for my friends to read. My friends (and family) would wait for each chapter/episode to be finished, then pass the book around. When I came to secondary school, I started collaborating with a few friends - Aida and Nat - to write stories. Until today, I do not know what has become of them! (I mean the stories ~ not my friends!) :D The very last novel I wrote on my own, 'The Marble Swans' was written when I had eating disorders. It was very dark. I shocked my parents and stopped writing after this one.
2. My only 3 childhood ambitions: a) Doctor b) Artist/performer c) Writer
3. Used to do dance choreography and truly enjoyed it... Here, I am thankful for roots in ballet, modern jazz and gymnastics.
   
4. I love theatre performances, jazz concerts, musicals, ballets, ensemble festivals and the orchestra. If I were to pick between all five at one go, I would have a tough time.
   
5. I love travelling... and not having to arrive at a specific destination at a specific time. At my own pleasure and leisure. New foods, new arts, new culture, new things to learn... The only thing I don't like about travelling - smelly toilets with no toilet paper and soap on hand. I'm a little obsessive-compulsive with that...thought I am learning not to mind - from going on mission trips *Sly grin*
   
6. Love nature, geography and history.
   
7. LOVE FOOD. I think it is good that I can put on weight. If I couldn't, nothing would stop me from turning into a glutton.
   

I hereby would like to pass this award to:

1. my sister, Zoey
2. Sophia Lee
3. Ben Wong
4. Ben Teh
5. Tairven (tairven.com)
6. Kevin Tay
7. Lydia Yong

~~~~~~~~~~~~

This morning, I had a go at being silly.

I tried parking in the car-park opposite MBTS and then walking up the steep slope that led to school.

I regretted. Right after running across the road. Coz my foot started protesting.

My heart sank at the sight of the slope. I am not kidding when I say that it looked like a MOUNTAIN. However, I was grateful that Eunice was around. Pretended to be fine even though I was not. LOL.

God must have had alot of compassion on me (us). A car suddenly pulled up next to us right at that moment, and Pastor Clement beckoned us to get in, so that he could drive us all the way up. For that, I am truly thankful. If I had arrived a minute later, or if Pastor Clement hadn't been late, there would have been no transport to the chapel. Praise the Lord! Indeed He who watches over us never sleeps nor slumbers! Psalm 121. Grateful, grateful, grateful...

Nevertheless, foot is healing.

Have to go to church tonight for MLM training.

Of course, I'd also like to add my usual: "More and more assignments have come in and are yet to come in!!!!" Hehe. Boo Hoo!

Tuesday

One of the most unproductive days ever. I am restless. Peckish. Bored.

Guess I will only begin on my 12-page reflection paper tomorrow.

Thoughts cross my mind. These are nothing new. Day-dreams. Thoughts of others. Thoughts of certain people in my life. Thoughts of the things I want to do when I finally do get through M.Div.

A trip down memory lane. Those good old days when I still walked the streets of Dublin. Right now, it seems like it all never happened... just like a beautiful dream.... except... its details never faded. Ever. And the remnants left of the years I spent in that foreign land - especially the friendships that never ceased, the sights captured, voices known and loved, the music that has enriched my life, etc - still put a smile on my face, every now and then.

Of course, Dublin wasn't just happiness. There were the tough, cold chunks too. Painful bits. Days when the sun just wouldn't come out. When there seemed to be no light to lessen darkness. Troubles that simply did not dissolve - until I returned to Malaysia. To the sunny island of Penang. A whole new season all together.

And yet. I wouldn't have arrived at where I am today, without the milestones those years held. I look forward to the years ahead of witnessing even greater things God will do. And of course, being sentimental, I look forward to a day, when the difficulties of today will finally make sense and I can look back to 29.09.2009 ...and feel blessed. Contented. That God has walked with me through it all.

Just like how I look back to years 2003-2006 and remember God's faithfulness.

Outside, the rain pours furiously.

The past few days...

I've been very blessed, despite the downs...

A day never goes by with me being thankful for something God's done in my life or in the lives of others around me...

There were tears... and laughter.

Sighs and yet, contented beams...

And...of course... to the amazing friend, partner-in-ministry, helper, leader and loved one who helped me find the joy of the Lord... that made me strong... I've gotta say, thank you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anyway, I must share something pretty amazing. (Heeeh, at least to me, it IS pretty amazing!)

I was asking God more than a month ago, regarding the best way to steward my money, especially now that I am on sort of a faith mission. Too tired to elaborate at the moment how I came to embark on it. But it works like this:

My monthly allowance is drawn out from a main pool, made up of love-gifts contributed by random people, the hearts of whom the Lord has impressed upon to give toward my education at the seminary. I am currently not under any sponsorship although my church did offer it, because this was not God's plan for me somehow. The past few months have been a little tough, not really because the money ran out totally (of course it was slowly running out!) - but because I was afraid and almost guilty to use too much money per month. Well, at the end of August, I was finally convicted that I haven't been setting aside enough money for my allowance each month - *sheepish grin* and therefore I prayed. The answer kinda shocked me - because I knew that it would mean that the resources would run out sooner than I wanted them to!:D Hehe. But, as I always do, I asked for a confirmation, whereby by the end of September, I would have enough to last me all the way to January next year.

On Sunday (27th September), I surprisingly received a love-gift from my church - and guess what? Yesterday, I checked - and now I have provisions to last me till January 2010.

God is good.

Foot woes...

Journey of an injured foot...

---> What went on the past 2 days...
















Ice, medicated patches, tight binds, and walking like the Tin Woodman from Wizard of Oz.































---> TODAY. At least I can walk with more ease now! Praise God for healing. Thanks people for prayers...

Tin Woodman

Aching and stiff. I am walking like the... Tin Woodman from the Wizard of Oz.

If you have no idea what I am talking about, you can Google that famous children's classic - and look for a Wikipedia synopsis of the novel or a picture of Tin Woodman. I used to think of him as cute. Now, I somehow feel very sorry for him. Do you think that I would be able to alter L. Frank Baum's novel and make Tin Woodman a little less rusty? :/

I thank God for an automatic car to drive! Imagining myself stepping on the clutch pedal with my left foot makes me shudder. I would probably fall backwards trying to drive up steep slopes!

I am contented regardless, to enjoy independence. It must have been by God's grace, that it was not removed with the injuries. I will never take my limbs for granted again. And my dear nurse. :D Such tender, loving care.

Going out in a moment to the banks. I also need to spend some time with God.

The injured gets more injured...

Had an accident today - spraining my left foot and worsening a pulled ham-string in the process.

I don't know how the ham-string got pulled (sometime in the past week). Looks like the injury worsened - and now it spasms like mad every time my ham-string muscles have to work. No kidding. I got up in the wee hours in the morning to make a trip to the bathroom... and the intense, severe pain in my right leg woke me up for good.

I caught myself groaning in pain. And I decided that it was clearly NOT a dream! @_@

Then the accident...

Now, it hurts to walk. Or more accurately - hobble. Sometimes the pain brings tears to the eyes.

I feel frail, weak, depressed and disappointed with myself for being so clumsy.

Sorry if this post sounds sappy :P ~ and filled with self-pity.

Ok. Well, look on the bright side... I still can hobble. And I did not break my coccyx / tailbone / toes from the impact of the fall. Or sprain my wrist. Or re-trigger the infamous back pain I suffered last year. And I've got a wonderful nurse... :D Got to thank God for ALL that!:) ~

...Lord, help me remember those who are in greater pain, greater disabilities and those who are lonely in their infirmities.

I am just wondering now how I am going to cope with walking around in school - when we've got steep slopes and steps everywhere...

Cried...

... last night.

I don't know why - on the way to dinner, I had thoughts of how it would be like to have a death sentence. To know the exact day and time you would be subjected to such an unnatural and possibly painful death.

Humanly speaking, it felt very depressing and terrifying.

Then I remembered my Lord, Jesus - in the Garden of Gethsamane. Who was sentenced to death for my sins.

The rest was history.

Friday

Felt lost and blur today. Tired. But overjoyed that it IS FRIDAY!

Theology group meeting after lunch. Then... *guilty look* yours truly sped from MBTS to Queensbay Mall (stopping midway at a gas station) to catch Ji, before she disappears again for a long, long time. Back to Singapore.

We stood outside DOME Cafe and chatted for 15 minutes, before she had to leave with her family. Of course, when her mum saw me, there were the usual 'Oohs' and 'Aaaahs'! Hehe. "You lost weight huh!"~ Which was probably true.

I had to explain that I was eating very well (and um... I think, eating more than I ought to - but we'll disregard that for the moment). Actually, come to think of it, I have been well-fed by doting people. Such blessings from God! Weightloss was probably due to stress. But then again, almost everyone who enters the seminary loses weight somehow. Hot weather. Dragging feet to climb steep slopes and hundreds of steps. Alot of assignments. Extremely late nights. Dragging oneself out of bed early in the mornings. LOL. So many contributing factors. Any student can testify to all that.

So I am normal.

I am now at home, about to go out for dinner. :)

TGIF

The day most of us have been waiting for.

Be happy!

From yours truly, who is drinking coffee (*winks at Lydia*) to round up her breakfast.

Dear Lydia

Happy birthday, my beloved friend!

*BIG HUG*

Thursday

Back from church prayer meeting not too long ago.

The night air is cold and wet. The roti-man's buns downstairs looked so enticing. Thought they would make a good match with hot cocoa. Having said that, I did not buy them. I've got biscuits in the fridge. Someone's got to appreciate 'em biscuits for their beauty and yum! :)

Today, my heart is glad.

I am thankful for every opportunity to love and encourage. I guess one can always find some joy in bearing others' burdens. The joy of seeing smiles on faces again. Ultimately, two pairs of eyes fix upon God, instead of one. And God... has His own way of making things work together somehow.

Anyway...

My arm. I did not drop food onto the table today. However, it is still sore and tender on the radial side of the arm. I can lift a spoonful of food with my right hand, but not a cup of water - or I will drop it... because I still can't flex my metacarpal joints against resistance. Finger-control is not bad, me thinks. Supination, pronation, dorsiflexion and plantarflexion at the wrist still hurt. Um, I am still thinking of muscle tears, nerve injury, hairline cracks in the bone (I am not saying that I have any of this) and the prospect of a medical bill... Crepitus...

Paranoia. Haha.

I am not STILL done with assignments. I'd better get going already.

Ministry bytes...

Skipped Hebrews language class. *Guilty look* Won't be taking it. Thought long and hard about it last night. Then I chose to let it pass - since it is not my priority now.

But I am promising myself - that if it is Greek, I won't miss it. Promise.

Thought of the day...

Ministry, like any other work you'd normally do for a living, requires commitment.

There is... a need for refresher's courses from time to time, to sharpen, develop and revolutionize certain skills; to prime gifts.

...A need to invest time, thought, energy (and sometimes money) into learning new things, churning up creative new ideas, scouting for appropriate props, practicing skills, reflection and building relationships. Oh, not forgetting of course... the ad hoc, difficulties and certain 'inconveniences' that come with ministry sometimes.

...A need for spiritual disciplines that align one's will with God's. Prayer, quiet-time, retreats, Bible-reading, etc.

Most importantly, ministry needs to be out of the overflow of one's love for God, a heart of worship and the willing commitment of his/her entire being to serve Him. Without these, it would indeed be difficult to be passionate during trials, let alone being humble in better times!

At least, I... would find it difficult. Way, way difficult. I already found it tough enough to stay cheerful and complaint-less when faced with challenges of full-time ministry last year. Hehe... :P But it must have been by God's grace that I stayed. Also, thanks to the amazing support and encouragement my friends and family gave.

It is marvellous how much God can do with just a willing heart to serve. If you have one, offer it up to the Lord! :) Even if you don't see the resources yet. Or the path to walk.

Is this not our Father's world? He is more than able to make resources mysteriously appear. And as much as He has done for many of us, He will do the same for you.


Anyway...

I'm so looking forward to meeting up with Pst. Ida for tea next week! We've postponed our meet-up for the longest time, ever since I can remember... um... like.. for a year? :P

Wrestled things out

Brain cells worked hard today. I had thoughts to be wrestled with. Curly-wurlies to be straightened out. Squares to be made round into circles. Pipes to unclog. Lines to be drawn. Theological heights and depths to be explored.

As a reward, I fed 'em cells Mc'donald's chocolate sundae. ^_^

But it was still by God's grace, that one-word answer came.

GRACE...

... God's grace in its irresistable, inconceivable, humbling fullness... The sweet fragrance of forgiveness we never deserved. An expression of love.

I am in love... with Him.

Sky showers...

Back from school. Right arm still pretty sore and achey. Movements are slow and clumsy. Except for writing and typing. Which is a good thing.

It hurts to pronate and supinate wrist. Dorsiflex and plantarflex too. Thus, I am not good at carrying heavy things, screwing on or unscrewing bottle caps, putting weight on the limb and extending fingers.

It was also awfully awkward using a spoon. Joseph (who sat next to me during lunch) laughed every time I dropped food on the table. He also imitated the coarse tremors of my hand while I reached out to serve myself food from the common dishes. Hehe. Let's hope for more improvement tomorrow.

Outside, it rains and thunders. Sun's out. The chill has seeped into my little home.

The floor feels cold against my feet. Brrr...

Perfect excuse for a nap, don't you think? The thought of cool pillows and snuggling under a duvet. Ah. My heart is jumping for joy!

But I received a new stack of theological readings for today's 'reading pleasure' today. Therefore, I won't have time to nap. I have also decided to do an hour of personal reading (of ministry books) every day to strike a balance and equip myself more specifically for certain ministries. Guess I'd better start after this short post.

Gonna hang up the laundry and boil meself some water for coffee. Then start on assignments! Wanna join me? :P

Childlike...

What I ruminated on this morning..

Mark 10:15 - 'Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the Kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.'

We've all heard of childlike faith. What is and what isn't?

It is...

• Sincerely believing in the salvation Jesus came to give, even though it's unfathomable and unimaginable that God should so love, that He would send His only begotten Son to die for the redemption of our sins....
  
• Simply not doubting in God's sovereignty, Lordship, wisdom, lovingkindness, and His ways that are higher than man's.
  
• Knowing that with Him all things are possible, and that He is able to answer every prayer in His own way and own time.
  
• Weaned.

It isn't...

• being naive/a push-over.
• being theologically unsound and getting away with being doctrinally incorrect
• an excuse for careless reading of the Word, shallow study of Scripture and neglecting correct, in-context biblical interpretation
• an excuse for not praying, with the childish attitude that regards 'The Father will take care of me!'
  
• being childish in understanding, behaviour, speech and character
• immaturity in faith.
  

Where are we today?

I asked myself today...

...some simple-sounding, soul-searching, heart questions...
...that I sometimes forget to ask myself...




Am I wholly denying myself and taking up my cross to follow Jesus? (Mark 8:34)

Am I consciously or unconsciously preserving my own comfort and convenience in any way, rather than willingly trusting and obeying God's will?

Am I selfish? Am I jealous?

Am I serving Him out of the right heart, motives and attitude?

Am I bearing fruit in what I do for God? If not, why?

Have I been compassionate? Do I lack love? Do I serve others out of lovelessness and legalism? Do I harbor unforgiveness, bitterness, anger and resentment in my heart?

Am I still in the center of His will?

The grossest thing ever...

*Hyperventilating*

I have not used my stethoscope for such a long time...

Picture taken from www.twenty-twenty.ca

... that it is growing MOULD!

LITERALLY!

And the evil fungal farm/'infection' is growing and self-propagating!!!

*Screams at the top of lungs*

Ewwwwwwww....HELP!!!

Tuesday ~ 22.9.2009

A beautiful day, as expected. The pain in my arm had subsided quite a bit in the 4 hours of sleep I had - so I could drive to school with no problems. Played the piano for chapel worship too. God made my fingers alive! Despite not being able to grip and coordinate finger movements last night, I can say that I played the heavy keys... phenomenally... because the muscles were working like clock-work. Strange. When I still can't rub my own nose properly yet.

I honestly think that it was a miracle. Thank You, Lord!

To those who prayed, I am very grateful.

Presentation went well today, with minimal hiccups. God made things work together - even all our imperfections... The audience actually enjoyed it! We also hope that it was a fragrant offering unto the Lord. My team was awesome. I love my team-mates for the 'heart' and dedication they had put into rehearsing the song the whole of last week, even if it meant staying back a few hours after school was over to sing, "Testify to Love"! These amazing people have been a source of encouragement and joy to me indeed! Kevin, Mark and Tina ~ Good job, peeps! :)

The week begins

Dawn awakens in a few hours time. I shall be celebrating a new today. What new mercies will it bring?

...Perhaps, pain-relief for my right arm and hand. I hurt them over badminton today. No swelling. No discoloration. No increased temperature of skin over injured area. Just an intense ache, tenderness to touch, a little soreness of joints, and the scary inability to grip or coordinate fine movements of the hand and fingers. So much so that my right arm does not feel like a part of me. Mysteriously estranged from the rest of my body. But I must say that I did enjoy playing crazy badminton games with friends after a long time of doing more 'individual' sports. Cherished the precious moments and company. Even though we spent alot more time picking up dropped shuttle-cocks towards the end of the 2-hour-session out of exhaustion! *laughs* Smashing shuttle-cocks into the net too!

...Perhaps, the ability to drive to school and play the piano for praise-and-worship tomorrow at Vision Camp even despite the unrelieved pain. I've got faith for that.

...Perhaps, the opportunity to witness a work of God's hand upon even one heart.

...Perhaps, the privilege to tell someone that His love reaches beyond borders and endures forever.

...Perhaps, the courage to pray for a sick person to be healed.

...Perhaps the grace of being able to be patient despite someone else's flaw. The compassion to understand and not be legalistic.

...Perhaps the hushed heart made steadfast to wait. Especially when my mind chews on unnecessary fears that make it worry.

...and the simple joy and unsurpassed peace of remembering that He holds me in the palm of His hand.

Weekend's over!

The cheapest bubble gum I've ever eaten so far... It only cost me 10 cents per piece! ~ and it's found in the convenience store downstairs... in the block, where I live. Tastes quite good too.

Murakawa brand

Then, since it's nearing the end of the month....

...and we were kinda broke...but wanted to spend some of the free time I had on Saturday somewhere a little out-of-ordinary...

...We went to one of the open beaches along Batu Feringghi, where my school's located...

Breathtaking!!!

I liked how the waves dashed and splashed over the rocks! It made me very happy watching them! I fell madly in love with the scenery.

Such a beautiful, peaceful place... and you don't even need money to feast your eyes on nature! :)

Trying to tip over the coconut tree... *Huff, puff*

Gorgeous, gorgeous view...

I wonder if this is the way they make salted fish...

Well, he is definitely over with the trauma he sustained from the accident months ago... where he fell down rocks and sprained his ankle badly... I, on the other hand, was and am still traumatized from that incident... so as you can imagine, I hoped and hoped he wouldn't see the rocks on the beach :P But, duh! Of course he saw them! He was itching to climb the huge rocks... and finally, he couldn't resist anymore. Much to my dismay.

Still climbing. I was holding my breath, and hoping that he wouldn't slip and fall.

Fortunately he reached the top without falling! Was wondering what he was doing up there for such a long time, with his back towards me... then he turned around and...

...pelt me tiny stones...*Ouch* @_@

Don't ask!

He also split rocks :D Hehe... Don't play-play... joking...

Then he tried to catch crabs...

Obviously, they were too fast for him... even though they were running sideways...and he was not running sideways...

Then we found their dead relative on the beach... It was gigantic compared to those tiny white crabs scampering all over the place. Thought we'd bury ol' Crabby...

After filling the tomb/grave with soft, white sand...

...And a huge stone to guard the mouth of the tomb... @_@ Sounds familiar?

It was a blessed, meaningful time indeed.

Random stuff...

The junk food that I indulged in throughout the weekend :P Thanks to some kind souls who let me eat their chips...

In between church assignments on Sunday...was drop-dead tired.. But very exhilarated. (although I don't look exhilarated in the picture. LOL!)

Cintailah sungai-sungai Malaysia!!! :D ~ Probably the cleanest sungai in Penang... no prizes for guessing which one! It looked so merry that I just had to snap a picture of it.

Reading...

Momentarily distracted...

Yes. I am. A teeny-weeny bit.

God, be Thou my vision. Give me a heart renewed.

A shiny day outside. Birds chirp. A breeze combs through the trees and bushes in wild abandon. I feel like a nap.

I'm suffering from sleep debt.

Youth service this morning went ok. I ran the first session of the SHAPE course. Thought I'd be having the jitters, but strangely I did not. The youths were quite engaged in the whole thing. I was amazed. How great is the grace of God. The youths are a lovable bunch, although I am not familiar with all of them yet. Rowdy and giggly at times, yes. But still, a cool crowd nonetheless. Love serving in the YM, even though I can't sleep in on Sunday mornings after late Saturday nights of CG. God, is this what they call passion? Show me.

Thanks for the prayers, guys.

Anyway...

There's a new book on my book-shelf. 'The Ministry of Music' by Kenneth W. Osbeck. It is a comprehensive textbook covering various areas of church music ministry, spiritual concepts of sacred music and all phases of history in church music, providing practical suggestions for working with various age-groups. An excellent book for people working in the music ministry, particularly leaders. I'd highly recommend it.

Will be back in church in the afternoon. Going for the 3rd service too. Is there time for a nap?

One more day...

... till a special someone leaves for England.

Zoey. My sister. A dearest friend. My childhood playmate and comrade.

We've shared a room before. Played together. We've quarreled and fought over the silliest things just like any good sibblings do - but we always reconciled after that. We've cried together. Laughed together. We've dreamed and cried over broken dreams. We've had our long chats (that continued over the telephone after I left home in year 2003), shopping trips, movies and holidays together. Supported one another in one another's battles. I wouldn't have pulled through the many years of eating disorders without my sister's continual support, encouragement and love.

Actually I feel that she has been more of an older sister to me - through my ED days.

We are total opposites. She's sanguine when I am totally not sanguine. She's brilliant at public speaking and I am not. She's good at crowds when I am shy and reserved. She loves chatting online, when I have no particular affection towards that. We never even looked alike, until the recent years - when we started spotting some similarities! She is much better at verbal expression than I am. I think she's more of a David and I am more of a Jonathan... in many ways.

She's an excellent musician. Sweet-voiced vocallist. Creative designer. Good in her studies. Hardworking night-owl. A talented actress. Dedicated servant of God. Godly, funny, beautiful, authentic, crazy. Weird in her own ways. Haha.

And so...

I feel like **** not going back to KL to send her off.