Sleepless night

It's Friday again. Hot day in Penang. *Sweating bullets* I'm still trying to adjust to the heat here - which is a few notches up in magnitude compared to that in KL. Someone explained to me some time ago, that it's the 'Island effect'. Well, for sure, it's making me feel a little under-the-weather. My throat is scratchy, I'm starting to cough, and have flu-like symptoms.

I'm back to work. Arrived in Penang last night, feeling rather sad that the holiday had to end so soon.

Had such a difficult night yesterday. I couldn't sleep! It wasn't because of the heat - the A/C was cold. (I was sneezing and my nose was running in the wee hours of the morning.) But I just had too many things on my mind.

Number one, a Mrs. Someone texted me at 5am this morning telling me that I had some work left to do. Unfortunately (I don't usually wake up when people text me while I'm sleeping), I woke up, read the text and became very stressed all of a sudden - could feel my heart racing....which leads me to number two - I have an affidavit to complete and to get it signed and verified at the Commissioner of Oath. (Who knows where is this, in Penang?) Btw the affidavit thingy is a long story. It would make me scream to share it here. In fact I was protesting (in vain) when I was first informed that I had to write it. Thanks to some encouragement from my pastor, boyfriend and my in-the-same-boat friend, I did get to writing it la.

Number three - I was bothered by the fact that my boyfriend is so stressed 'bout his work. And that made me really stressed for his sake too. I mean, after he told me a few nights ago, that he dreamt about his work the whole night, and this morning, he told me that he had jumped up at 4am because he thought that his alarm clock had rung, and he was due for an early morning meeting. Poor guy!:( Felt so bad for him. Ok, I don't think he's gonna read this, since he's busy and all. So sssshhhhhh! And please keep him in prayer.

Number four - I was stressed about going back to work. I was thinking of the things I'd have to do, the report I'd have to write, the stuff I would have to do over weekend, the guest-forms for the G.Y.M, and the people I'd have to deal with. (Also, the weekly meeting with my pastor next week. Yikes! - I mean he's really nice and concerned. But I still have my pastor-phobia!) In short, I balked under my blanket! I mean, pardon the crappy attitude. But I'm really not ready for work. I did not feel the least caring. (Should I write that in my weekly report?) Haha. The thought of having to wake up early again the next morning also filled me with much dread. (It was like an impending dentist's visit.) God help me!

Ok, I think I've mentioned before. I'm not a morning person.

Number five - Next week, I'll be going to the MBTS seminary alone to talk to the principal. Firstly I have to drive there alone - and I'm not sure where the place is. Secondly, I hate interviews of any sort...even if it's just me having to make enquiries. I'm freaking out.

Number six - I suddenly felt like I was going to fall sick!

Number seven - I'm dreading going back to Mini Taman Negara, now it's approaching the weekend. (See a few posts back) I hope our serpentine friend has found a better habitat, somewhere else. I'm definitely in no mood to deal with the hooded cobras... or any (as Pig puts it) snakes which are able to change color according to their environment to camouflage themselves. The aunty who left us her house, used to tell us stories of how her husband would pin the snake down with the garden rake, and she would pour a kettle of boiling water over it to kill it. I don't think it is as easy as it sounds. Pig advised me to buy sulphur from the hardware shop.

*Big sigh*....

Well, thankfully, Pig asked me out for lunch (along with LM), so it did cheer me up loads. We also paid a very stressed out someone an unexpected visit at his workplace. Hehe...

And surprise, surprise...I think with my new hair-do, my hair is dropping much less!

Don't Drink Diet Soda

I have to say... I'm a big fan of Diet Soda. I survived on Mc'donald's Coke Light all throughout the last 3 years of med school. My close friends know that.

Whenever I went Mc-donald's-ing with my tailo, Kean Yew (who's now in Ipoh btw), he'd automatically say, "Change her drink to Coke Light!" whenever he placed my orders. Subsequently, he was also quite hooked on it.

However, last week, my CG leader, Tairven warned me about Diet Soda.

Then this week, I received my weekly women's health magazine subscription, and read up the truth 'bout Diet Soda in their Eat This, Not That guide:

1. You’ll Gain Weight
It may have only 5 or fewer calories per serving, but emerging research suggests that consuming sugary-tasting beverages—even if they're artificially sweetened—may lead to a high preference for sweetness overall. That means sweeter (and more caloric) cereal, bread, dessert—everything.

2. You'll Miss Out On Nutrients
Diet soda is 100% nutrition-free, and again, it's just as important to actively drink the good stuff as it is to avoid that bad stuff. So one diet soda a day is fine, but if you're downing five or six cans, that means you're limiting your intake of healthful beverages, particularly water and tea.

3. Diet Soda Contains Aspartame
Aspartame is 180 times sweeter than sugar, and some animal research has linked consumption of high amounts of the sweetener to brain tumors and lymphoma in rodents. The FDA maintains that the sweetener is safe, but reported side effects include dizziness, headaches, diarrhea, memory loss, and mood changes.
(Hm, I remember the dizziness, headaches, diarrhoea... but memory loss and mood changes? Golly-schmolly, you mean, Diet Soda caused my memory loss and mood changes?:P)

Bottom line: Diet soda does you no good, and it might just be doing you wrong.

Yikes! Time to cut out Diet Coke from my monthly consumption!

Specially for Pig...

The straggly hair before I had the haircut...
And then, the saloon...And this....

Yeah, you can stop stamping and oinking now!:)

Wednesday

A close cousin (SH) and her husband (CS) who's currently studying in the seminary (STM) spent some time with Zoey and I today. (They just got married half a year ago.) It was fun! We had breakfast with dad, then after dad had left for work, SH, CS, Zoey and I sat in our living room back home, catching up and chit-chatting. I was glad for their love and encouragement. Cousin-in-law was giving me loads of advice, which I thoroughly appreciated.

SH thought I had lost alot of weight since she last saw me (at CNY last year). You should have seen the look of disbelief on her face, when I assured her that I was even thinner before Christmas. (And I'm wondering now, have I been really so much rounder last year?) So fine. I decided to tell her about all the stress Year 2008 brought. Studies, work, people, etcetera.

I'm going to miss my cousin terribly next year - since she's moving all the way to Seremban with her husband.

Zoey went out with her friends for the rest of the day...while I spent time home alone. Casually drove out to Sunway Pyramid much later, for a little me time... a new hair-makeover and waffles. Was kinda amazed at the crowd! I mean, it's only the 3rd day of Chinese New Year. Has everybody come back to KL?

Heeh! Currently not posting up any pictures of my hair - coz I have yet to upload them into my laptop - which is all the way back in Penang! To 小猪 (a.k.a Pig) who is oinking and drooling to see the pictures, sorry you have to wait till I get back, dear!

Let's hope for less hair-fall from today onwards.

Can't believe I'm turning 25 soon. I would have lived a quarter of a century by then!

Tuesday - Day of trials...

Relatives came to visit us today. I was exhausted. Napped for 3 hours in the evening.

Dead tired and a little anaemic. I think it's also because I have PMT. (which isn't PMS btw!) I'll let you figure out yourselves what it means.

Unexpected stuff came up later in the day that brought much discouragement. I was thankful that the Lord gave the two closest people to me much love, acceptance and patience to listen, understand and say words that brought life and strength again. Even whilst one of them was all the way back in Penang. *Sob, sob*

I don't care much when others don't understand why I do things the way I do, disagree or judge me for the way I live my life. I mean, it would affect me a bit, but I'd just brush these aside - knowing fully well that they don't really know me or anything of what I've gone through anyway. But when those who really matter to you misunderstand and do such things - and I mean those whose support would count the most in your time of greatest need, it shakes your insides out and cuts really deep. And I go through a hell of a time recovering from it. (One of the things I dread facing and struggle with the most whenever I have to go back to KL.)

In fact, sometimes I do dread KL in a sense.

Strangely though, today I still felt the joy and peace of the Lord when it all happened. I mean, Jesus never said being a Christian would be easy. Persecution - it does not come on easy, but it does stretch your faith, it tests your heart, and as a result it makes you more passionate 'bout your stand for Him. It's always beautiful, at the end of every humbling moment, to remember that God is still in full control.

Indeed, His grace is sufficient for me.

Today, despite all... I felt, has been a blessed day all together.

Nocturnal musings...

My current mood: Adventurous. Oh-oh.

I'm wondering if I should do something to my hair this holiday. Ok, fyi, I promise I will not do anything else to my fringe. No snip-snipping late in the night, above my kitchen sink. So heave a big sigh of relief, my girlfriends!:P

I'm also thinking of getting myself a new pair of shades. It's been painfully glaring and blinding driving around Penang without these. Especially since it's been crazily hot in the past few weeks or so.

Happy Chinese New Year!

My weekend was great. A summary of it all...

Friday night -
went out mamaking with bf's old pals...

Saturday -
I had a free morning... Went shopping in Giant Hypermarket with bf and his mum in the afternoon. Cell group meeting in the evening. It was held in our CG leaders' home. Had a great time. Bible study, sharing and prayer...was followed by our order-in Mc'donald's dinner/supper. Then the 6 of us settled down to a game of Cluedo! It was way past midnight when we got home...but it had been so much fun.

Sunday -
Church duties, church... then bf and I had to go over to check-out a church-member's house he's been care-taking for the past many, many months - since the aunty and uncle went overseas for work. Those who've been reading my blog even from my Xanga-blog days - this is the same old mini 'Taman Negara' I was talking about... what with the garden teeming with plants, creepy-crawlies and etc, etc. *shudders to self*

Anyway, it is my bf who usually tidies up the garden, waters the plants, gets the grass cut once in a while, unclogs the drains, etc. However, upon arrival that day, we discovered snake-skins lurking around the house!!! Which meant our serpentine friend (now bigger and meaner) could potentially be hanging out in the garden! In the bushes or something. *Gulp!* We dared not move around too much til' our regular grass-cutter, Mr. A came to help clear the garden. Thankfully, the serpent was nowhere to be found (yet). As for me, I got attacked by the hungry mozzies... and now, there are red, itchy splotches all over my legs.

Dined with my bf's family in the evening.

Monday (today) -
Travelled home by bus. Visited ta ee (first aunt) and er ee (second aunt). Then I dined with the rest of my relatives in the evening. It was a good Chinese New Year reunion. I haven't seen everyone for more than a year. The kids have grown up a little more - it is such joy to hear them chattering in real words now, instead of baby language.

I'm glad and thankful for today. For the first time, I had the peace in my heart to share with all my relatives my plans for the future, and what I'd be doing with my life... It must have been from the Lord. I am certainly thankful that I did not do it earlier. The positive reactions from my relatives amazed me - I've definitely expected more questions and resistance. I've rehearsed in my mind, all the answers I would give for such - over and over again. (In English, Cantonese and Mandarin, haha.) But this? How encouraged I am. Things are definitely falling into place - and it feels wonderful, that peace deep down in my heart - knowing that I am in the center of God's will. I don't want to be anywhere else.

At this moment in time, I am remembering many things. The very beginning, when I felt the call of the Lord upon my life. Med school. Christian fellowship. The moments of anguish and yet peace. The things I've lost perhaps forever, and yet the many more blessings I've received in their place. The people who've touched my life in so many ways, throughout the seasons... some of whom I won't see again til' I walk past the pearly Gates of Splendour, and arrive at my eternal Home. The places I've been broken, and yet the miraculous healing touch of the Lord binding up all wounds and bringing life out of messed up things. The tears I've cried, and yet the laughter God brought me out of even the most impossible circumstances.

Cyn, Laura, Jia, Ji, Yvonne, Tamryn, Maeve, Mich, Cheryll, Mark, Johann, Belle, Cindy Ryan, Pastors Ray and Claudine Shiels, Pastors Paul and Debbie Brazil, Pastors Jojo and Ida Henson, Dave, Kean Yew, Edmond, Benjamin, Han, Josh, Ee Ling, Rachel Chan, Daniel, my CG members, my dear boyfriend, my beloved family and many others. Thank you for your constant prayers, encouragement and loving support throughout the years.

I feel somehow that there is no life fuller, richer and more meaningful than one that abides in Jesus.

Friday night

Went out last night with a few of my boyfriend's pals (all Malaysians, they used to study in Dundee together). 2 doctors and another engineer. We were out mamak-ing at Kayu's until 2am in the morning.

I thought I'd be a little left-out initially, because I didn't know anyone of them. But thankfully, they were really nice and it was quite easy for me to join in the conversation after-all... because all of them spoke in Cantonese or Mandarin (I'm still no good at Hokkien)... and the doctors (now husband and wife) additionally spoke a language I much understood - along with the medical jargon and all.

I had mixed feelings hearing words like Sheehan's Syndrome, Acromegaly, etc (we were having this lengthy conversation about pituitary tumours). On one hand, I was relieved that I could still remember the facts I've slogged hard to learn in med school, having left my books for so many months. Guess my final exams nailed everything in my head permanently ... On the other hand I felt a little nolstalgic of the field I had left behind.

KL bound

My little home is now squeaky clean - and I'm mighty proud of myself!:P Hehe.

Last evening, upon returning from work, I did all my laundry, then cleaned up the apartment - my bedroom, the living room, the kitchen, and the bathroom. Despite my itching arms, I felt really good when my taps shone, the dust vanished and the smell of antibacterial cleaning detergent started lingering in the air.

Gotta say, I pretty much hate dust. With a passion.

I'm very thankful that my apartment's tiny. *Smiles fondly* I think God's blessed me with a sanctuary in it too.

Packing for KL today.

Hoping my rash goes away by the end of weekend.

Rash progress...

Rash looks icky,
it itches bad...
Betnovate cream's sticky -
everything's shiny and red.

Bought Betnovate (the much-coveted topical steroid - for me, at least) over the counter from Watson's... Let's hope it works its magic!:)

I'm one of those people with really sensitive skin - it is anti-exfoliate, anti-hot+humid-weather (one of the only things I cannot stand about being in Penang), it must not be allowed to over-heat or dry-up, I'm not allowed certain foods and I go out of my way to avoid things like dust, brown rubber-bands, plasticine and weeds.

(Btw, I'm allergic to many things! Including strawberries. They induce an asthmatic attack.)

I had bad allergic dermatitis/eczema as a child. (Memories of tubs and tubs of 'Itchy cream' prescribed at Poliklinik Subang. And, no... the cream wasn't itchy. I called it so, because the only times I saw those cute tubs labelled with 'Racun' were when I had to appear in PS for eczema.) The day the itchy plaques on my thighs, shins and flexures disappeared for good, I think my mum celebrated. I think I did, as well. I was sick of the many years of trying not to scratch.

You know la. My mum was super worried that I'd scar myself for life, with vigorous scratching - so she banned me from that action all together. I regret to say - that I could be a little rebellious as a kid. I'd curi-curi scratch when she was not looking.

Hehe, I miss you, mum. Think I'll not scratch now, just in case she looks down from heaven - and catches me 'breaking the record'! Joking.

And now that I'm all grown up, I still have flares of it from time to time. Times of stress, when I am allergic to the things I eat or come in contact with, when I am exposed to extremely dusty places, and when graze dry skin (even with a towel). But thank God - I don't get flares so often nowadays. The last time I itched (all over my shins) was back in our anaethesiology rotation - before the 2007 multidisciplinary barring exams.

It's been a good two years, hey?:) So much hair has disappeared from my head ever since!

Eczema...

The worst time of the year to have eczematous rash - approaching Chinese New Year.

Help! The worst nightmare! Lots of tiny red blister-spots over my arms (flexors, extensors), they itch and I'm grossed out. My chin too. Ok, I don't know what I had that I was allergic to. My boyfriend thinks it's contaminated beef. I think it's something I came in contact with.

ARRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!! *Holler* *Double-holler*

Walloped 2 loratidine's so far. One last night. One this morning. Not sure if the antihistamine is working leh. I think I need Zyrtec!

Ok, ok...today I'm going to the pharmacy for topical corticosteroids!

I have a dream...

Yeah, I do.

I was feeling rather tense and emotional about it today - til' I was able to give it up to God. Only after that, did I feel my spirit lift up in joy and excitement once again.

May the Lord mould that dream to fit His purpose and will. May He align my desires with His very own heartbeat. May He chisel away unnecessary expectations and all else that is not of Him.

Lastly, I pray that He would grant me the joy and peace to wait for Him to bring it to past.

One of those days...

1. Hair loss
2. Pao-face
3. Bloatedness
4. Stomach discomfort
5. Physical exhaustion

I don't really know what has no. 1 got to do with the rest of my symptoms. I went to bed last night nauseous and a little dizzy.

Anyway, today, I lunched with mei-mei Ee Ling. (Her school hols just started!) We had a good time catching up and encouraging one another in the Lord. I really thank God for amazing sisters who remind me of His faithfulness - in my own life, especially. Today, Ee Ling reminded me of how God has been constantly faithful to provide me all my needs, every step of the way, back when I was in medical school. Whether financial, quality friendships, brothers who taught me to be a sister, etc. If He says in His Word that He is the same yesterday, today and forevermore, what reason should I have to think that He'd do any less today?

One thing EL told me that cracked me up today - that I've toned down alot since my PMC days. Asked her what she meant by 'toned down'... and she implied that I used to be highly excitable, bubbling over with excitement, giggly, etc. *Gasp* (Ok, I don't remember the giggly part. I only remember that I've always guffawed with laughter.) Now, it's like I've grown a lot more solemn - like I've gone through a lot...

Perhaps I have. I know I feel a little tired-ish even while I await the new season to spring forth. It will go after a while. I only truly and really hope she didn't mean that I'm becoming aunty-ish!

Life has its own way of doing that to you I guess. In the past 6 months or so, God by His grace, allowed me to face my own share of emotional trials and battles, so that I would learn to wait on Him with humility and patience. That deep loneliness, that probably nobody could exactly identify with. Well, I must say, after having gone through that trying period, that I'm thankful He did. I realize that I've learnt alot... especially about His grace. His strength. His joy. I've learnt to love and to forgive. I've acquired friends I've never had. I've learnt to be quiet and more prayerful. It's been tough being so uncertain about the future the way I was. But it's taught me to trust God.

Indeed He never fails us.

Tuesday

Read Isaiah 1 today with much fear of the Lord. One thing that truly impacted me was the part where God makes it very clear that the meaningless and fruitless sacrifices offered up to Him by those who seemed zealous and yet... whose hands were stained with the blood of guilt and whose hearts were filled with religious hypocrisy - were nothing but abomination to Him. So what if we come to church in our Sunday-bests and do the best song rendition in the pews, when we do not care to repent from our sins or 'walk in the counsel of the wicked, stand in the way of sinners and sit in the seat of mockers' (Ps 1)? So what if we drop alot of money into the offering bag in the view of many others and yet never bother to genuinely help those in need? So what if we pray long prayers to be heard like the Pharisees and yet these are never from the overflow of a heart that knows God and loves Him?

God says outright, in Isaiah 1 - "I detest them." What is offerings and sacrifices, without obedience?

*Shivers*

Guys, do read Isaiah 1. I think it made me more repentant and thankful more than anything else for Christ. It is only through His blood we have a way to stand pure and blameless before a perfectly Holy God, when we do not in the least deserve it. It is through His name, we can pray - and know assuredly that the Father hears us. It is by His grace, we are snatched out of our doom of fire and brimstone.

Hot day

Hot, hot day. I was out for lunch with Peky...and we had to park my car under the hot sun. Actually, Pekz ended up parking my car for me - because I, being the typical rather-inexperienced, claustrophobic car-parker had much difficulty getting my car into the rather tight parking-lot! Haha.

Poor car! Must have been really miserable stuck in the sun for such a long time, while we enjoyed the cool of the shade indoors. Despite the 'sunshield', it still felt like an oven when we got in much later. I had to drive with the tips of my fingers gingerly massaging the steering wheel, as it felt steaming hot! When I got back to church, I was a little soaked in sweat. Imagine that! The air-con was on full-power somemore!

Thought it would be a good day to sunbathe, but someone warned me that I would be reduced to burnt, crispy charsiew... Yeah, a perfect weather to breed malignant melanoma too!:P

Monday randoms

Off-day! *Jumps around in joy* Window-shopping, good books and coffee, and some precious zzz's on the way.

Had a fair weekend. I don't know why - but I am so exhausted today! It's not like I did much yesterday. I was already tired after manning the info-counter at church that I had to catch a little nap in between the 2nd service and the 3rd.

However, I did enjoy church.

Pastor Woo's sermon about giving ourselves fully to the Lord yesterday really touched my heart. I mean, I've probably heard so many sermons on that particular topic before this one - and yet, everytime God speaks, it's a renewed revelation - that I listen in wonder and much conviction of course. A fresh test of my heart. Am I giving myself fully to the Lord today?

God, may it be that I'll never ever get bored of listening to Your Word preached... and may the wonder of knowing You never grow less!

Chinese New Year is coming. The malls, shopping complexes and hypermarkets in Penang are as filled with busy shoppers as anywhere else in the country, looking for good purchases of clothes, new furniture, greeting cards, and food items (cookies and other CNY titbits)...just to mention a few.

So far, I've been only window shopping whenever I land myself in one of these places. Firstly, I don't have much budget for clothes at the moment and I have no problem with wearing old clothes during CNY, I don't need new furniture since the Lord has given me everything I need in abundance, I seldom send people Chinese New Year cards (very unfestive-like of me!) and although I am a big fan of CNY cookies, I hardly buy them for myself.

About the cards. I am not very good with sending them to friends during festive seasons. I usually buy cards (even if I do) because I hanker after good, eye-catching card-designs. I know, I'm weird.

I finally went back to the gym today. And my thighs and calves are now protesting.

Lord You’ve giv’n me

wondrous moments,

joyful days,

and memories of mercy

and Your grace.

Lord You take my

wasted years

and every tear...

and make it a beautiful Today.

Windows to a soul that was...

After a meeting with my cg leaders last night, I watched a movie on the PC starring Will Smith - Seven Pounds... and I cried like crazy at the end of the movie. It would be quite accurate to say that I bawled and sobbed as if my heart would break. It was really a moving movie - but I don't think I was crying just because of the story-lines... but because it triggered me to think of something else.

How would you feel if the person you loved deeply died... and since he's signed himself up as an organ donor, had his eyes removed - and this set of eyes was given as a gift to a blind man... then now, you meet this formerly-blind man, who can now see?

I mean, I'd be glad for that formerly-blind man... but I'd be so afraid to look into his eyes - and see the pair of eyes which formerly belonged to my loved one. That same pair of eyes, which used to gaze lovingly into my own. That same pair of eyes which used to resonate with his smile. That same pair of eyes which used to sometimes glisten with tears when he got a little emotional... But the soul behind them isn't the same anymore.

Yes. So I bawled.

Then unfortunately my nose got pretty stuck - and that wasn't fun. In my impatience to clear my nose so that I could breathe properly and fall asleep, I blew my nose so vigorously...that a bunch of blood capillaries under my eyes burst...and now I've got many red pinpoint spots beneath my eyes. That, along with my freckles... I think I look interesting today!

Above: The red spots (shown by arrows) are actually burst capillaries in the skin

Anyway, I shall try not to watch such touching movies before I go to sleep next time.

TGIF

Tired, tired, tired.

The evening saw me a little guiltily driving through Macker's Drive-Thru, after work, for curly-fries and Diet Coke. (I was starving, ok! - Brunch and Dinner are too far from one another today.. . Brunch consisted of what I usually have for breakfast - 2 slices of toast with 30%-less-fat olive-oil spread, and Alpen's sugarless muesli with soy-milk... and Macker's is just opposite church!) Upon returning home, I ate 2 pieces of hazelnut-toffee-chocolate from the box Rachel gave me the other day.

*Burp*

OK. And now, I'm supposed to go and exercise. One part of me feels I ought to at least rev up my metabolism for the day and burn some calories. The other part of me, having done another round of hand-wash laundry, feels really unenthusiastic 'bout doing it. All the lame excuses my brain is coming up with, to justify my laziness.

So... to exercise or not?

Maybe, I'll go look at myself in the mirror...and decide!:) And I ain't tellin'.

The Word of God

I desire a heart not hard and cold,

or unfeeling as a stone

But it leaps with joy when Thy Word is told

and thirsts for Thee alone...

Illumine my every nook and cranny

Purge and cleanse me pure

May every ailment my heart has known

In Thy Word find a cure...

At times my heart is weary,

and my carnal nature takes delight

When sin crouches outside my door

let Thine Spirit's sword swiftly fight....

If I wander into the wilderness -

and my heart darkens and dulls

Pray, do not leave me, dear Lord!

Grant Thy lamp through my trial.

If anything apart from Thee I fear

Shivers and trembles my heart

Let Thy Word be gladly near

Be my shield and rampart...

How glorious is Thy Word!

the meditation of great kings

Whether I pray it, sing it, or hide it in my heart

Abundant comfort it brings...

All in all, I want to know Thy Word

Lord, help me understand.

As much time in it could I possibly afford

Give me yet more to spend...

In Jesus' name, AMEN.

Authentic feminity...

Don't care about worldly applause.
Don't want beauty propped up by artificial means.

I want to shine with womanly grace and princess-like dignity. With the joy that bubbles out from the light from deep within. To exude that kind of spectacular radiance of a woman transformed by the Author of all things lovely and pure.

Such feminity isn't stodgy, prim and proper...with drab, unflattering clothes and sandals... It is not shunning the opposite sex or being some legalistic social outcast. But it is a sparkling, vibrant woman with love and grace overflowing from her heart... one who is strong, faithful and wise. Confident and appealing, yet not pressured to conform to the world's standards of what beautiful is.

Such feminity isn't found in the pages of beauty/fashion magazines. I personally do not envy the models who fulfill the world's standards of feminine perfection. Perfect, airbrushed proportions and figures. Flawless skin. Excellent sex appeal. Etcetera. I am not against eating healthy, proper skin-care, keeping fit, dressing-up nicely, and putting on make-up if you want. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Your body is God's temple - take good care of it! I'm just saying that external beauty isn't my main priority in embracing my feminity.

(Golly, I'm even starting to appreciate my long torso... even though I never did before.)

I may not be the prettiest being around. But it doesn't faze me. What matters more than what's on the inside? I am already grateful and filled with joy that there is love in my heart which comes from knowing that God loves me, the peace of knowing God's designed me for His divine purposes, and that I am set apart. I do not feel the ache of having no worldly applause - because the Lord has handpicked the most wonderful people and placed them in my life - those who love and accept me the way I am, lift me up in prayer and walk with me through thick and thin. That itself is beautiful to me.

Why labour for the hollow beauty that fades with age?

I love what God says in 1 Peter 3:3-5 - 'Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful...'

God, I want a gentle and quiet spirit. Let me be like the Proverbs 31 woman:

Verse 10-31:

"A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.

She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.

She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.

She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.

She gets up while it is still dark;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her servant girls.

She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.

She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.

She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.

In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.

She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.

When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.

She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.

Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.

She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.

She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.

She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.

Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:

"Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all."

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

Give her the reward she has earned,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate."