Weight issues

My dear fellow blogger/friend, Sophia, wrote an awesome article on weight gain in recovery from ED which I thoroughly recommend.

For those who are new to my blog, I am a recovered eating disorders sufferer (why does that sound like a mouthful?) who used to struggled with anorexia nervosa, bulimia and compulsive eating throughout my teenage years and early twenties.

While I look normal, think normal (most of the time) and behave normal now, I admit that I still need to actively guard myself from a weakness... i.e. the tendency to feel anxious about my weight. I don't dislike myself. In fact, I like the way I look and I think myself beautiful. I also love eating healthily as well as indulging in my occasional treats, fast food and junk food. I eat Mcd's once a week. I pride myself on my faithfulness to exercise moderately 3-4 times a week (coz it was difficult to start, haha!) And honestly, I don't think anyone would care if I put on a few pounds. Those who love me would still love me. My fiance would still think I am hot (oh yeah!) - he doesn't like me skinny btw. I know it is not worth it to obsess over my weight. I have got so much in life to look forward to.

But....

... I still feel anxious about my weight once in a while. And I don't even know why I should feel that way. What is it exactly that I fear?

I think it's losing control that I fear. And perhaps I have unconsciously made my weight the indicator of how "in control" I am of my own life when it should have been fully surrendered to God. So it's actually not about the weight now, is it?