Thursday

One and half months to the end of our term - and I am busy freaking out on top of having to complete all my assignments, because I haven't gotten all my credits. And then I will have to settle with Dr. Matahari, how I am to organize my courses for the next terms - if I am to graduate this year. (Yes, I've got lecturer/pastor/academic dean phobias still! *shivers in my bedroom slippers*)

While I am still very unsure of what the plans are after I am married, whether we will remain in Penang or not (still waiting on God to give us a definite answer), and if we do leave, whether we will come back that soon etc... I know for sure that I need to graduate this year - because I am uncertain of what lies beyond 2011. Plus, I really do not want those who have been voluntarily funding my studies to worry about me anymore. Neither do I want to burden Ben with my school fees when we've got to attend to so many readjustments to do in the coming months - as a newly married couple.

Can you understand my worries now? :)

Please pray for us.

Wednesday

Going to school with a red and irritated left eye today was humbling. Conjunctivitis, they say. The only thing cool about my predicament is that my eye is photosensitive. Extremely sensitive to light. After turning off the lights last night, my swollen left eye could still trace the objects in my room, while the good eye could see nothing but darkness!

Thank God that it isn't a corneal ulcer. How I got my eye infected - God knows! I haven't worn my contact lenses for a week by now.

They've replaced the Clavinova in our MBTS chapel with an upright piano - temporarily (I hope). While the sound quality and touch of the keys gave me the creeps, I think I am getting used to all that.

My sister left for KL last night. This is something she texted me today...

"...You know, suddenly I remembered something. Yesterday, near Subang Airport, when dad was driving, suddenly a long pole of a few meters seemed to drop down from an overhead bridge, very near our car...vertically. And then it 'bounced' back up again like being pulled back up. Weird huh...."

Wow. I believe it had got something to do with God's protection on my family. Praise be to Jesus Christ.

Countdown: 1.5 months...

Weekend

Ben, Sau Chan, Suan Hui and I had dinner at Isshin (Autocity) on Saturday... Also it was a mini birthday celebration for Suan Hui. Here is the handsome brother. :D



Then of course, my darling little sister, Zoey, was up in Penang for the weekend to try on her brides-maid dress and also to chill with me for 3 nights, 4 days... before starting work this Friday. (Yes, God blessed her with the job she wanted!) I am so glad that she seemed so at home in my little flat... and that she had the opportunity to indulge in my library of books.


I've been eating ALOT for the past few days she was here. Elaborate Western breakfast at Batu Feringghi, laksa in Balik Pulau...then Ben's family belanja-ed us a huge dinner at Song River... etc. Feeling a little tubby already. @_@' What's more I have to look for a wedding dress this Friday.

Just sent Zoey off. Miss her presence in my house already... *sniff*

Protein...

In the past week, I have been taking this self-concocted chocolate-protein-shake for breakfast.

I realized recently that I do not consume enough protein for my health and immune levels - so I bought this mix of soy protein and whey powder from Cosway. By itself, when stirred into water at room-temperature (you are not supposed to add hot water, or the proteins will denature. --> Remember chemistry/biology back in school? :P) a very icky, chalky drink is produced. Some paste. Yucks. Never, never again. In desperation, I tried blending the protein powder into hot chocolate instead. Guess what? It worked! Since the chocolate protein shake is SO yummy and nutritious, I have not gotten tired of it yet. I usually supplement it with a Centrum multivitamin tablet afterward. The shake is a very good meal in itself, because it has enough calories, carbs and nutrition to last me till mid-morning at least. It fills me up so well! Then I'd have my mid-morning snack at school if hungry. Other than breakfast, I don't think I'd have the shake as a meal replacement though. I would much prefer solid food! :D

The shake can be drunk as a healthy snack or pre-/post-workout as well. It has been a wonderful alternative to my usual snacks, which have gotten boring. (First, I had to check what my daily protein requirement is, based on age, gender and etc. - just in case I exceeded the quota!) I sometimes use soybean milk powder or fruits in replacement of the chocolate. Some people get constipated with too much protein. If you are one of those people, you will have to make sure that you increase your intake of fiber as well. Oh, and drink more water.

I feel that somehow the protein helped my hormone levels tremendously. Weird, I didn't have much PMS this time round - and no period cramps!

Honeymoon

Intrigued by my fellow seminarians' urgings, I decided to check out some potential honeymoon places online.

Sigh. Maybe it was my spectacles... :P But everything either looked expensive or dangerous - despite the wonderful ambience. Dangerous, because I am now tsunami/earthquake phobic... Dang. >.<'

How?

Gosh, I am not even sure of our budget. Hm, may God provide a way.

Thursday

In class, we were sharing in groups of twos, how we discerned God's will for various aspects of our lives (especially ministry - because the class is supposed to be on "The Person/Life of the Pastor").

Pam (my partner) and I are so familiar with each other that we did not want to talk about our calling into ministry again. Hehe. Instead, she bugged me to talk about how Ben and I discerned that it is God's will for us to walk together someday, as husband and wife.

I don't think I'd make it my sharing here, but telling Pam all about it did remind me of God's faithfulness in our relationship. Ben and I have been through hard and rough times indeed, in which we did consider breaking up. We have struggled with one another's weaknesses and fought over plenty of things. Silly things too. However, God did see us through and He kept us together - beautifully, miraculously and surely. He made us strong. Today, we are one another's best friend. Ben is not a perfect man (or he would be Jesus :P) - but he is indeed a man that I am deeply in love with and cannot wait to marry.

Thank You, Lord... for Your grace that is all-sufficient, always...

For emotional wholeness....

Some gloomy day outside.

Last night, by God's grace, I discovered (by how I often react to some things and circumstances) that I have bad emotional habits that I badly want to get rid of. Or at least gradually stop them in their tracks. Especially before I get married and have kids.

These emotional habits do not coincide with PMS, I'm afraid - haha. So I can't exactly blame it on PMS. While my melancholic personality may have some influence, I reflected and also thanks to Ben's help, realized that many of the emo's are learned habits/reactions from my childhood and late teenage-hood as an indirect cry for attention. (Yeah, I used to have self-inflictory behaviors. Used to. Now the behaviors have evolved into less 'physical' forms - I promise you that I don't slash my wrists, bruise myself or run into the wall anymore. But still... I am left with bad emotional habits, nevertheless!) And if they can be learned, I don't think I want my kids to pattern their emotional habits after mine in the future.

Yups. So when I realized that I should stop, I prayed. Yesterday's 'alert' must be a call for me to enter a time of healing. Thanks, to those of you who are praying for me as I am preparing myself for marriage. May I grow and transform to have emotional wholeness in Christ. (And thanks Tairven and Wee Lyn for my birthday-pressie... i.e. the book - I didn't realize how much I needed it till yesterday!)

Finishing well

Funny. Last night, I was talking to Ben about "finishing well".

Today, I was supposed to be attending a class on 'The Life of the Pastor' (TLOTP). However, the TLOTP students were unexpected made to join another class (just for today) - which is on "Finishing Well" by Rev. Dr. Mark Chen. All because so many pastors drop out from serving their call due to various discouragements.

I did not sign up for this class, because it is an elective - and I am in a dire need of finishing my core subjects if I want to graduate this year. But I thank God for the opportunity to attend at least the first day of "Finishing Well".

Because it is so hard to think of finishing well when you are in some sort of plateau. Or when you have been waiting and waiting and waiting to clear some obstacle. Or uncertainty for that matter. Yes, you took the first step. Responded to God's call. Explosively and radically even. Despite the odds. And now that you are on a spiritual journey to fulfilling your life vocation, you suddenly arrive at River Jordan. Cross it? But it's swift and dangerous at this time of time of the year. Flood season. Will it ever end?

Perhaps, I am not quite at River Jordan. But today, I found myself asking ME this question, "Will you finish the race, where God has called you to run?" No, I lie. Actually, I have been asking myself this question from time to time. Today marks the umpteenth (and probably more than umpteenth) day. Because I get disillusioned way too easily. In instances of discontentment, I get distracted. Sometimes, I get lazy with my QT. Or peeved at people. Then I plateau. I swing in between wanting to do God's will... and wanting everything to be convenient. Sigh....

I don't know at all if I will finish well. But I hope I will be faithful. Faithfulness is not just the way to finish well, but it is finishing well.

O God, answer my prayer! Take my feet out from the miry clay and set 'em on solid rock!

It is OK to cry...

I think it is much healthier to teach boys that it is all right to cry... of course for the right reasons.

I am not talking about tantrums that grow into the immature whines of a grown-up man.

But...A man who isn't able to emotionally response to injustice, righteous anger or a touch from the Holy Spirit through tears doesn't appeal much to me somehow. Even Jesus cried.

Coz everytime my man cries, I am moved to a deeper level of intimacy with God myself. Coz I know too well, that God is listening to him. And I'd be inspired to cry out to God in my secret place too.

And God listens to your cries too. So, just cry and let it all out to Him. May His comfort make you strong to walk one more step, live another day... and sincerely give, even when your takers take your gift for granted. Coz God sees... and He will bless you in secret.

Monday

I've just got the news... My sister is coming to Penang next weekend! Yaaay.

Although it's just for a short visit this time, at least I get to spend my off-day with her.

Next few weeks' course: "Life of the Pastor". Hm...

Friday...

Beginning of busy weekend. And school reopens in a few days time.

One week of break is not enough! I haven't even completed one assignment. My problem is... I am a perfectionist. I tried to break out of that, but it has not succeeded yet, because I can hardly bear not to develop every bit of detail to its fullest. And yes, I am nearly always unsatisfied with my work somehow. There is always room for improvement. Sigh... I don't know. It's got to be a journey of undoing and unlearning. Gotta manage my time better too. And stop, stop, stop... for goodness sake... eating my fingers raw!!! :S

Bad habits.

Anyway... I had an early dinner with Nellie at Station One cafe yesterday evening. The food was so-so. (According to Ben, the Malaysian dishes are nicer than Western) In fact, I thought the pizza's base tasted too biscuity. We yakked for 2.5 hours. After dinner, I went out with Ben pula... We had really nice taufu-fah at Taman Pekaka. And then because I was peckish, I broke open a pack of potato chips back home and feasted on them, whilst watching Burlesque. I liked it, even though it was a little raunchy (that's solely my opinion lah!) - because of its artistic bent. (And I've always admired Christian Aguilera for her powerful voice somehow.)

Hm, gotta go answer some emails...and then go back to my Christian Ethics assignments. Rawwrrrr!!!!!

Frus...

Today, I decided to take a break from Ethics. Checked out a few cleaning services, and finally settled on one for my apartment. That part was OK.

Then someone totally annoyed me, hurt my feelings and made me like kera kena belacan. That part wasn't so OK. Grrrrr.... *Shows part of fangs* I am in great need to forgive.

Having dinner with Nellie today. That's definitely a highlight to look forward to.

Loving yourself is...

Today, I happened to walk past rows and rows of pretty shoes, going at a discounted price. The girl in me drooled. Of course, I did not buy new shoes. I just drooled.

I looked at the many closed-toe sandals on sale - and a part of me wished that the shape of my feet weren't so weird that I could wear them without pain and causing further deformity to my feet.

And then this thought suddenly came to mind. I believe it must have been God-inspired, somehow.

Part of loving yourself is accepting that not all things are meant to go well with you... and that you do not have to possess all things to be of value.

For me, I will have to accept that I will never have much opportunity to wear closed-toe sandals (unless they happen to provide ample toe-space - which elegant ladies' shoes almost never, nowadays). I will have to accept that certain clothes would never look good on my pear-shaped body, certain shades of make-up will never match my skin (unless I had enough time to maintain a tan), certain hairstyles would never suit the shape of my face (despite how much I like 'em)... and I'll always have to steer clear of sleeves that make my arms look big(ger). I am not putting myself down when I accept that I will never achieve my goal of being extremely svelte without killing myself. Coz I was made to have curves. According to an awesome, divine plan.

And when you accept that not all things fit or sit well with you, you can finally rule them out of your "to get" list. And you would finally be able to appreciate the very things God has made you to enjoy and find fulfillment in... and ultimately, the way God has made you.

I know some people just love to push themselves. I am not saying that they are wrong to do so.

In fact, we should be excellent in everything we do. Scale the highest mountains we can ever scale. Serve God with your fullest potential and passion. Conquer your greatest fears and challenges if you like. But we will always have our unique limitations. Physically especially, since we live in our bodies - and relational-wise, since God made us to function and grow within our relationships with people. I never respected my limitations before. I thought they were namby-pamby nuisances. And so I stopped caring for them. That is when I hurt those who loved me, I lost my health... I stopped loving myself, I lost respect for myself... and ultimately, I lost myself.

Mark 8:36 - "For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world, and forfeit his soul?"

Forfeiting one's soul indicates a failure in recognizing God's brilliant design for one's being, his/her limitations and yet the ultimate fulfillment of being contented in one's possessions, beauty, gifts and life purpose. In short, a person who forfeits his/her soul has never loved himself/herself... and therefore, has never been able to fully appreciate his/her Creator. If you cannot fully appreciate your Creator and thus, cannot be close to Him, you will never be able to live according to His purposes (coz you can never trust Him enough and your own agenda takes over).

And when the wrong purposes drive our lives...where do you think we will end up? I just think that I would be always unhappy. Always running after the wrong things - and when I finally obtain them, I would still be unhappy and never satisfied somehow.

So what does it profit you to gain the whole world and forfeit your soul?

Absolutely nothing.

My memory

I thank God, my Creator, for having gifted me with a very good memory.

Now, I know that everybody is unique. Gifted with different gifts. I may not have your gift, but I have been bestowed with my own special gift so I can glorify God with it. And so, one of mine is my memory.

I remember things from as far as my first birthday... and it's probably because I am inclined to think deeply about the sensations picked up by the receptors of my sense organs, namely sight, smell, taste, hearing and touch. It is unimaginable how I am able to remember the feel of the gauze petticoat under the pink dress I wore on my first birthday - how scratchy it felt, how uncomfortably hot I was in it and how awkward the experience of my very first dress ever. Or when you tell me, "Think of what you did in Year XXXX", I'd be able to draw from the archives of my memory - and tell you some of the experiences I recall from that particular year. Perhaps it's also because my dad happened to be an avid and sentimental photographer (like some of my friends today: Tairven, Matthew Yap, Ben, etc) - and he took dozens of pics each year and throughout every milestone of his kids. I used to look at them quite often. They must have reinforced and etched the memories in my mind, as if set in stone! Perhaps, this is where I picked up the habit of remembering events and details as part of pictures, scenes and snapshots. Of course, the memories go beyond pictures - emotions, sensations, dreams and thoughts are connected too. Pleasant and unpleasant. They all come in a package.

Of course, having a good memory comes with many benefits, for which I am ever grateful to the Lord. I did (and still do) well in academics because I was good at memorizing and remembering the lessons I learned - of what worked and what did not work. I also have a rather photographic memory - whereby I'd be able to remember how the pages with the answers look - and when I am stuck in a spot, I'd attempt to pick the details off the pages where the answers are found. I am a good performer because I easily recall the effect of tried and tested methods on my audience (whether my examiners back in med school, music, etc). Furthermore, I easily learn from watching performers whom I greatly esteem - I remember what they did, how they did it... and then I'd innovate and personalize the whole combination of their methods. Also, I used to hardly mark down datelines/anniversaries on calendars - because each and everyone of them somehow sticks in my head. Also, it means I remember God's blessings in the past - and therefore have the faith to trust God to deliver me in the present.

The only thing I never seem to recall or remember - is what happens on the roads when I am driving. Believe me, you can offend me on the road - and unless it was a serious offense (like you banged my car or something), I can never remember you did it by the end of my journey. I'd only recall general things like, "Oh, it was a bad traffic jam..." or "Penang drivers are reckless..." (sorry Penang peeps!) Then I'd happily forget about the whole incident. But perhaps, that's because because I am too busy dreaming and thinking about other things whilst driving. I have sometimes arrived at my destination without having any recollection of how I drove there!!! Perhaps, my mind splits when I do so - one part almost unconsciously but intelligibly directs my driving - and the other part consciously dreams! :P Something like that.

God calls us to be good stewards of the gifts He has given us. This means that it is possible for us to be bad stewards. It is good to search ourselves honestly.

When I am a bad steward of my gift of good memory,

• I tend to dwell too much on the past. And throw myself pity-parties for stuff which have already happened and have been resolved ages ago. Or I blame myself for mistakes.
  
• I tend to bear grudges and harbor bitterness/resentment toward those who have offended me. And then, I find it so difficult to forgive and love.
  
• Relying too much on my memory keeps me from being creative in the present and finding new solutions for problems.
• I sometimes gloat and feel superior over those who do not recall as much. (Poor Ben...) Then I'd bring up (in glee) stuff like, "Do you remember the day you first spoke to me? The very words you spoke?" (I admit that this can be fun!:P It can be good when I use it the right way)
  

What are your God-given gifts? Are you being a good steward of them?

Updates

My missing engagement ring (I blogged about it last week) was found. By Ben. LOL. (To date, he has actually presented me the ring twice! :P) It fell into a bag lying around on the floor, by accident. Ben discovered it and placed it somewhere I could easily find (and yet, my eyes must have scanned that spot umpteen times!) I was so relieved that I cried.

I am now done with both my interpretation projects for Book of Joshua - since Friday. What a relief! I am learning the power of writing short and uncomplicated sentences! :P Writing in English is that interesting. There is always room for improvement...and so I never get bored. (With English I mean. I did not say that I never get bored doing assignments!!!) Hoping that this week will see me productive with my Christian Ethics and Conflict Dynamics assignments...I'm feeling really lazy now, since I almost pureed my brain last week. Definitely looking forward to all the meet-ups I've scheduled with my precious friends this week!

And then, I will begin the 2nd half of my last term on-campus. (After May 14th, I'll be finishing the rest of my course "long-distance". The reason for that is - I am not sure where I am going to be yet.

Oh, also, I have been having a weird ear-condition that afforded me quite a bit of scare for the past 4 days. Apparently it was precipitated by the flight (from Taiwan back to Malaysia) a weekend ago. The pressure did not equalize in my ears...and therefore, resulted in hearing problems, discomfort, echoes and weird humming sounds. I consulted the ENT specialist today - and it was no big deal. (The medical fee was a big deal though - but my dear kindly covered my expenses.) The good news - my hearing is still perfect and no, I won't need hearing aids anytime soon...LOL. So don't worry. Thanks for prayers, the few of you who knew about it.

Peace out, peeps.

March 14th 2011. 2 months more.

And yet, this season will be over soon...

I'm gonna miss it though. My season of singlehood. It's taught me great and precious lessons.

Wednesday sob-stories...

And the season of Lent begins today. Ash Wednesday.

Been struggling quite a bit with my sermon plans for Joshua 3 and 9. It's been challenging to sleep past 2am for the past few nights - and wake up by 6.30am to get ready for school. Yesterday afternoon, I even fell asleep while drinking Expresso. *Glassy eyed* I went straight to sleep and did not wake up till 2 hours later.

Coincidentally, I misplaced my engagement ring yesterday, while cleaning my room. I still haven't found it, so I am very depressed. *Sobs* Ben comforted me and kept saying that it's OK... but it holds so much sentimental value to me that the thought of it lying alone somewhere (or worse still if it fell down the toilet bowl/into the dustbin) makes me want to bawl.

Oh well... I was momentarily distracted, but I really needed to get back to my sermons today, so I am trying not thinking of my ring. God please help me to stumble upon it quickly... coz I don't think I can bear throwing out my trash till I find it - just in case it has fallen into my dustbin!

Tuesday

Back to MBTS after a whole week of M.I.A - feasting, shivering in skimpy dresses (don't worry - it wasn't THAT skimpy. The dresses just felt skimpy because the weather was freezing), hanging out with Ben and my friends, traveling and shopping. Mmm... pure bliss.

Boy, the vacation was so good while it lasted. I even began missing school! Now that I am back to school, I feel that my life is moving on. Sooner than I think, I will be leaning on the arm of my dad, walking down the aisle at church, dressed in white and cradling pretty flowers in my hands. And my bridegroom is gonna kiss me in front of the entire church. *squeal* How awesome... :P

I am not even sure how am I to prepare for that day. Honestly. It's like gosh, in 2 months! How time flies.

Today, a thought came to me: I really need to talk to God more. If I don't feel that I can adequately express myself to God verbally, then I should write. Coz I can only have one lifesource - Jesus Christ. Do I spend enough time drawing my life from Him? Am I truly alive today?

Jesus, may my delight in Your goodness
be an everyday affair
Be Thou my strength and portion,
and Your feet, the altar for my cares...

2nd B.I. project in...

Well, at least the difficult parts of the "Book of Joshua" course is OVER. Praise God.

2 sermon plans to be conjured up by this Friday. And then I will shout TGIF.

Something random... Due to my chagrin toward the crazy rate dust gathers on my furniture, my lack of time for regular wiping of the furniture and yet, my extreme aversion toward dust and filthiness, I am seriously considering employing a day-helper to clean my flat once a week or once a fortnight. It shouldn't cost too much, since my house is pretty small - and I do not have much money (and neither do I have many earthly treasures) lying around to be nervous...hehe. Any recommendations, Penang folks?

Back to blogging after Taiwan

I am back people! :) I totally missed blogging while I was in cold Taiwan...

Yes, it was very, very cold. I don't know how I survived all those photography sessions. But thank you to my CG members who supported us in prayer while we were there, the few seminary friends who knew I was going and cheered me on while I had to do extra assignments (coz I was going to miss a week of classes) and of course, our dear families (Ben's and mine) who were so joyful for us!

I am too busy with my assignments (again) so I will put up the rest of the photos some other day... *hopefully*