Friday...

I am 3 days away from Photoshoot #2.

Just met up with my florist's to discuss the quotations for the decos. I am so happy that I am going to be spending much less than what I budgetted for this department. Praise the LORD for helping me to be a good steward. My florist's amazing too. Never have I seen a florist/designer so passionate about his work.

I am gonna rush my assignments again... so perhaps more blogging later.

Thursday

For the first time, I am not eager for Friday to come. *Glances at watch and wonders if the bloggin' should continue a lil' while more*

Just an update about wedding prep (or anything related to it)...

Yesterday evening, Ben and I went for our final fitting for the photoshoot next week. I tried on all my nice dresses...and to my shock and horror, I've lost enough weight from most parts in the past 2 months so that the dresses could no longer fit on my frame. (What happened to my assets?!???!?) Thankfully, the bridal shop people can alter dresses on the spot! After they put in some stitches here and there, the dresses now look nice on me again. *Phew* :D

It's funny how this works. Usually whenever I want to tone-up or lose some flab to look nice for an upcoming event (say, a prom), it never seems to work! However, whenever I am not particularly looking to lose weight, it always happens somehow. The irony! It happened right before my first pre-wedding photoshoot - whereby I lost weight unintentionally on my Long Lamai mission trip. And guess what? It is happening again before my second pre-wedding photoshoot! Nearly sabotaged my dresses too.

I am still trying to recall what happened in the past 2 months following the first pre-wedding photoshoot. I can only remember that there were alot of feasting - around Christmas, birthday celebrations in November and December, Chinese New Year, my birthday, etc. And I've been watching quite a few movies recently (over the weekends) - which inevitably means popcorn and junkfood. :P So what happened?

Wednesday

Burned quite a bit of midnight oil last night. I feel bad about it, but I couldn't help it, what with a dateline coming up fast! I do not want to even imagine what the late night did to my eye-bags. My sister warned me that I would have to depend on the powderfool power of concealers next week when I go for my pre-wedding photoshoot #2. I have to sadly accept the fact that she may be true....

I asked myself at 6.30am this morning, while taking a hasty shower: "When do I ever NOT snooze my alarm clock and wake up later than intended?"

Racked my brain upside-down to recall...and still couldn't think of a time when I did not abuse the snooze-button on my phone. Exams could be just a few hours away for all I cared... and my beauty sleep would still matter more. Unless adrenaline courses through my veins (like back in high-school when I was extremely kiasu about my studies and woke up at 5am every morning to do add-maths) or I am extremely unprepared to sit for a major exam, snoozing my alarm clock is my daily ritual. Sometimes I snooze and then dream that I have gotten up, showered and eaten my breakfast. Imagine my exasperation when I try to start my car engine and realize that I am in an unusually horizontal position to drive my car.

What an ideal way to start my day.... NOT!!! :(

Of course there is an exception. I sometimes jump out of bed in the morning, thinking that my alarm clock had rung and I had snoozed it till it could ring no more... and fearing that I would be late for school, I'd shower in a hurry, get dressed... and then just when I am about to go out... my eyes (unblurry after the adrenaline rush) would catch sight of the clock on the wall... and groan. I have woken up as early as 2.30am before. Needless to say, I would go back to sleep, fully-dressed and snooze again the next morning... :P

In the past, my guilty conscience has led me time and time again to bargain... Maybe, I find it difficult to wake up in the morning (or after a nap) because I lack sleep. While this is partially true, it is still not totally relevant. I am known to snooze my alarm clock even in the holidays. It is becoming, much to my horror, a terribly bad habit. O God, grant me the grace to be disciplined! Erm, does anybody know how long it takes to unlearn a bad habit formed over the past 7 years?

Think I'll wait till I am married... and then I will give permission to my husband to splash cold water in my face every morning. Thus saith the night-owl.

I need... a helper.

I am just done with lunch and would so dearly love a good cup of coffee now...

Random thought of the day: I wish I had a helper clean up my house for me everyday! :P I would be able to worry less about the hair on the floors, the possibility of mould growing undetected somewhere and of course, focus on my work. And, I'd be able to eat off the floors too. LOL.

Unfortunately, I am one of those people who cannot stand uncleanliness and a disorderly house... in a weird, OCD-ish way. BUT, I cannot always bring myself to clean the house... especially when I am so busy with my assignments. (As you can see, I am not your typical multi-tasker kind of girl.) I get squeamish when I come in contact with dirt and dust. I am also known to procrastinate house-work (I simply prioritize other jobs over house-work) - till I absolutely cannot tahan. Then out of anger (at the kekotoran as well as my tardiness), I will kick myself into action. Namely, spring-cleaning.

Once the momentum sets in... TRUST ME. I tell you the truth - the house will be kick ass spick and span, it will smell as wonderfully sterilized as the hospital (mmm...) - and those taps in my bathroom, they will shine like new! :)

Hehe, is anyone willing to pay me to clean my own house? :P I think I need some incentive. If I had all the time in the world to do housework... I would. But on top of my assignments? Gosh, the thought of even lifting the broom out of the store-room makes me shudder. I hate being interrupted in the midst of brainspiration! :D

Ah, wishful thinking.

These are my thoughts at this very moment - as I sit at my dining table, eat my lunch and ponder on how I am to begin my B.I interpretation project on Joshua 3.

Monday

Gosh, where did my weekend go?

Yups... let's see.

Saturday:
I spent half a day sitting in Ben's cube, doing my Christian Ethics assignments (was so extremely productive - I think it must be because of the quiet and cool environment, plus the coffee machine was so near Ben's cube! LOL)... and then we had CG that evening. Was encouraged by Suan Hui's sharing on Psalm 86. I was so reminded to trust God and rely on His faithfulness, despite my circumstances. Our YACG members had wantan mee supper @ Terengganu Road after CG was over.

Sunday:
Went for the 5pm service, because I had other commitments in the afternoon. After church, Ben and I went over to the bridal shop to check-out our photos taken in Photoshoot #1. Surprisingly, the photos were already very nice without any touch-up!:) I like it that we have 2 photoshoots - so that we can look at the photos taken in the first shoot and decide on what kind of poses, smiles and styles we like, discuss with the photographer and prepare for the 2nd photoshoot... which is next week. Golly-schmolly. So this has to be my 'primping' week! I can't really think of what I should adjust of myself. Masks and exercise maybe.

Self issues...

Today, while doing my Christian Ethics reading, I was struck by a few thoughts.

First and foremost this: we will one day have to account before God for our stewardship upon earth.

Too often, we emphasize on stewardship of our money, gifts and talents, work, responsibilities etc... but we forget that our bodies are too - part of the gifts God made us stewards over.

This problem applies to many spiritual leaders too. (I have lost count of physically burnt out pastors, as well as those who seem to think that they should work themselves to the bone and deny their need for a healthy lifestyle, balanced diet, adequate sleep and exercise, regular check-ups and holidays!)

Secondly, we often forget that love of oneself flows out from our primary love for God. We are as responsible to love ourselves as we are to love others. I don't mean some narcissistic or other wrong forms of self-love... but more likely - self-acceptance...nurture of our bodies... the delight in pursuing continuous growth intellectually, emotionally and spiritually... the enthusiasm to develop what comes natural to us... the participating in meaningful activities (and hobbies) that contribute to a sense of worth, fulfillment and purpose in life... AND exercising our right to do work that God has given us the passion to do. These may all sound controversial to self-denial - but honestly, can one truly deny oneself to express great love for others from an un-enriched state? Can we joyfully care for others without self-care and coming to grips with our own fragilities?

Can an empty cup further empty itself by giving out water to the thirsty?

We are relational beings. And therefore, I believe this: Only when we are right in our relationship with God and at home with ourselves can we truly form meaningful relationships with others. Thus Jesus summarized all the duties of man in both the Old and New Testament:

"Thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it: Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself." (Matt 22:37-39; Mark 12:30-31)

A rave/rant...

Today... I have come to a conclusion about the dark circles around my eyes.

I've had 'em since I was a kid. My mum used to see the dark circles as an indication whether I've had enough zzz or not. Imagine her chagrin when they never disappeared regardless of how much sleep I had. Today, the dark circles continue to haunt and vex me.

I think, on top of the common causes (lifestyle-related etiology, pathogenesis and all), I am just too fair. Recently, my sister pointed out that the skin on my forehead is turning transparent... :P You can even see tiny dark splotches near my hair-line when the tiny capillaries burst in my skin. Now, the skin around our eyes are already thin and delicate enough. My skin is very fair and transparent. So the dark circles would show up even more dramatically, wouldn't they?

This is just my hypothesis of course. It is not scientifically proven or EBM. So please don't quote me on it! :P

T.G.I.F!!!

Yesterday was Chap Goh Mei - the supposedly 'Chinese Valentines' Day'... Ben sent me a picture he had taken of the moon with this message... "Give you a moon, my dear..." :) Sorry if reading this makes you embarrassed. But I thought it was really sweet. Reminds me of the Chinese love song 'Yue Liang dai biao wo de xin...' (The moon represents my heart (my love for you))

Yo, so Friday has finally arrived again! :D I am overjoyed. It has been a tiring, tiring week.

Did not have much time for reflection.

But just yesterday, Pst. Mah said, "Our thoughts are the gateway to our soul..." In other words, our thoughts play a big part in our spiritual well-being - and that is why the Enemy works so hard at sowing doubt, fear and many other kinds of negative seeds in our minds. Reflecting on my thought-patterns for the past year at least, I can see why I am so often emo.

Stressed...

...about wedding prep. Ah, at last! Stress kicks in! :D

It's about time.

This week, I am stressed about RSVPs, making apartment bookings for my relatives (who will be coming up from KL for the wedding), catering, bridal house final arrangements before bridal shoot #2, etc. Not to mention, tomorrow I am supposed to meet my florist!

On top of all these, I am doing my Christian Ethics presentation tomorrow, final period of school. I am so dead. Haven't prepared my slides yet!!! ARGGGHHHH!!!!

Wants to swim...

Hawwwtttttt!

I meant the weather of course.

I've got a Christian Ethics presentation to do on Friday... a biblical interpretation project to complete this week... and my conflict dynamics weekly reflection. So I won't be blogging so consistently for the next few days... although I may drop in a note or two.

Dinner with Ben... followed by EFCC/MLM at church tonight.

Tuesday - post VDay..

Came down with a fever, nausea, dyspepsia, vertigo and chills last night.

Absolutely dreaded the idea of climbing up the MBTS hill the next day (like what if I get chased by the monkeys and faint trying to run uphill???!? I might just roll all the way down to the foot of the hill and get crushed by the tires of an unsuspecting vehicle... boohoo... then Ben Wong might just have no bride this May! @_@")

Anyway, over-active imagination aside...

Praise God, I still managed to wake up, drag myself to the bathroom this morning, gulp down breakfast and drive to school despite tossing and turning the whole night! Guess the Panadol did work quite a bit in the night. Hurray for paracetamol! I was grateful that the roads were exceptionally clear this morning too - thanks to the public holiday. What with all the traffic lights on green (except the one which I am kinda ashamed to admit I beat), I had the best drive to Batu Feringghi ever!!! :) Did feel a little chilly and poorly in class - but now that classes are over, there was nothing much to complain about. I'm definitely taking a nap later.

What did Ben and I do on Valentines' Day? Hmm, nothing outta ordinary! :D LOLx. Coz it's not like our anniversary or something. Ben and I are just not very big on V.Day since it's been so commercialized (plus everyday should be Valentines' Day for us!) However, we went out for Japanese food after work... at Chikuma Restaurant.

When you are alone

...and I mean alone in your struggles/sufferings...

~ may it be not a wasted moment.

When nobody else seems to be able to relate to us, we are allowed to grieve. But don't stop there. Walk the extra mile, no matter how difficult the first step. Reach out to the unseen divine presence, even when death seems imminent. Grope around for the switch - snap on the lights and it will flood out the grim darkness of your alcove. God and God alone will not deny an ailing child his/her comfort and reassurance. And such lonely grieving will be transformed into private bonding as between two lovers - only this time, between one and his/her Maker - the eternal Lover.

My Lord, my God! May I know You more in my suffering. May my heart be steadfast. May this time of anxiety bear lasting fruits of peace, contentment and faith. In Jesus' name, amen.

The reason behind my 'hiding'

Ben and I went out for supper with friends, Donald and Michelle yesterday night - two Malaysians who have been working in Dundee, Scotland... for many years by now. One is a cardiologist and the other, a nephrologist.

Since they are back in Penang for Chinese New Year, we decided to meet up with them. We wound up at Kayu's and sat there till about 2am. Chatting about the condition in Europe, how Ben's uni-mates are doing, our wedding preparations, etc. Of course, Donald and Michelle also had to ask me what I would do after I complete my 2nd degree this year. I won't elaborate on what I told them - but I am glad they are so supportive. They even helped me to expand my options! Praise God.

I realized something last night. The actual reason I have been avoiding high-school/college/uni reunions and such. It is not really because I am a little more introverted than I would like to think myself. More than that, I dread trying to answer questions that I do not know how to answer myself. The last time I went for one of these gatherings (Chong-En and Rach's wedding), I received many strange looks.

Most of my former PMC classmates asked me, "So where have you been posted...? (for housemanship)"

Some showed little tact... and made me feel like I had wasted a quarter of my life away and missed out on loads of beauty sleep for nothing. Haha. (No hard feelings... and I don't blame you though.)

Some were surprised but tried to be a little more tactful. "Oh... Wow, you must be having a GREAT life..." when they found out that I was still in Penang, furthering my studies... and not having to be subject to all the horrors of housemanship. Most in this category assume that I will return to clinical work after I've completed my MCS. I did not bother telling them that I actually will not. Unless you, my dear reader, happen to belong to this category - and are now reading my blog!!! :D

Some nodded their heads when I explained that I am doing a degree in theology... and refused to ask more, not knowing how to respond. They did not even proceed to ask me what I am going to do after I am done with MCS. We changed the subject and all went well. Much to my relief.

I became very quiet after a while. Was so, so, so thankful for Ee Ling, who sat by my side all the time - to keep me company while my former classmates discussed their joys and sorrows of work. She even taught me how to reply those unwelcome questions. In fact, we worked out a great template answer! LOL.

Nevertheless, at the end of the night, I was so relieved to get into Ben's car. I have never felt more left-out in my entire life. Honest.

But I still have no regrets about where I am right now. I will indeed arrive in my Promised Land! :) Because God is sovereign.

Friday tomorrow!

*Smiles in glee*

But this week has been awesome, I promise. Even though I am quite tired by now (early mornings and rather late nights) the encouragement God has given to me about my circumstances through the Book of Joshua has totally lifted up my spirit. Such a timely course to go through in possibly my last term as an active student at MBTS. Such timely words of God received into my heart.

A picture Evelyn Ong tagged me in...Brings me to remember Long Lamai...and the people who showed us so much trust and care :')

Will I ever go back there?

Christian Ethics and Book of Joshua

I've begun two new classes today. And I've gotta say... I think I already love 'em... :)

Sipping green tea and checking emails after returning home from school, lunch and a round of grocery-shopping at Tesco's. Ah, there's nothing like resting my feet against the cool slabs of floor-tiles of my humble abode, clad in a comfy set of 'home-clothes' - after a long day out. Thank God for a shelter like this - even though it isn't anywhere near grand. It is indeed decked with sentimental value, fruit of many labours of love and God's provisions.

Played piano in chapel service again today, accompanied by Winson's drumming. The touch of the smooth keys and my fingers sweeping over them filled me with awe and wonder of God. It is mesmerizing how He invented 'muscle-memory' so that the fingers of a pianist always seem to have a life of their own when poised over the keyboard - capable of the most intricate maneuvers, knowing where exactly on the keyboard to land even while one's heart worships the Almighty Creator. Although my mind couldn't focus much on the words of the hymn we sang (sometimes, so eager are we, musicians, to appreciate the music that we overlook the words of the songs ~ :P), it already sufficed for me that I could express the overflow of my heart by providing the singing-congregation musical accompaniment!

Here is the lyrics of the hymn we sang in chapel today (written by Fanny Crosby). Indeed, God be praised!

Praise Him! Praise Him! Jesus, our blessèd Redeemer!
Sing, O Earth, His wonderful love proclaim!
Hail Him! hail Him! highest archangels in glory;
Strength and honor give to His holy Name!
Like a shepherd, Jesus will guard His children,
In His arms He carries them all day long:

Refrain

Praise Him! Praise Him!
Tell of His excellent greatness.
Praise Him! Praise Him!
Ever in joyful song!

Praise Him! Praise Him! Jesus, our blessèd Redeemer!
For our sins He suffered, and bled, and died.
He our Rock, our hope of eternal salvation,
Hail Him! hail Him! Jesus the Crucified.
Sound His praises! Jesus who bore our sorrows,
Love unbounded, wonderful, deep and strong.

Refrain

Praise Him! Praise Him! Jesus, our blessèd Redeemer!
Heav’nly portals loud with hosannas ring!
Jesus, Savior, reigneth forever and ever.
Crown Him! Crown Him! Prophet, and Priest, and King!
Christ is coming! over the world victorious,
Pow’r and glory unto the Lord belong.

Refrain

You can listen a Youtube presentation of the hymn here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BB27OjUFZjs

Where, O God?

Is it a land filled with heart-broken souls

or a village of the poor and oppressed

Where the rich are choked by their own riches

or among Your earnest, praying for rest?

Is it those who refuse to eat what they are fed

or those whose appetites are never satisfied?

Lord, lead me... for I know not

and can neither walk on - till You guide.

Why this CNY feels a little different for me

Chinese New Year this year feels different somehow.

Perhaps, it is because Zoey has just returned from UK - and I am still getting used to her being in Malaysia after so long. Her culture-shock, her adapting to the hot tropical weather, her new habits acquired in UK, her maturation into a young woman... and her cool stories of travelling around Europe.

Perhaps, it is because I did not collect as many ang-pows as I usually do, having only visited two families... Heeh... Of course that isn't a big deal! But sadly, I did not meet as many relatives this year as I would have liked to. And it does feel a little weird.

Perhaps, it is because my Hu-B-2-B went back to KL with me for Chinese New Year - the first time ever in history! :D (The last time he went back with me was Christmas 2009... and we weren't engaged yet.) My relatives are coming to terms with my new status as 'about-to-be-married'...so as you can imagine, there was quite some discussion going on about us, the wedding in Penang and etcetera. LOL. It was no wonder my CNY felt a little extra-ordinary...I am not used to being at the center of attention - that of my relatives too.

Perhaps, it is because I have a better self-image this year than I did last year. I no longer feel compelled to stuff my face with cookies just to prove to everyone that I am over with my eating disorders... neither do I feel that I ought to restrict myself from eating cookies or splurging on a good meal with my family. And yet I did NOT binge. Amazing huh? Praise God! :)

Back from KL... :'(

Home never felt this good before...

Zoey is back from UK...

Nice family outings...and makan sessions...

me and my dad

My sister was looking for a new phone/Maxis package...the most basic survival needs back here in Malaysia :P

Ben was tempted to get a new phone... :P

the last day in KL came too quickly...

My wonderful family... :')

My wonderful Ben... :)

Till we meet again... :'(

27 years old

A year older, I am.

Yesterday marked the first day of my twenty-eighth year on the face of this earth. The celebration this year was again simple, but meaningful. On the eve of my birthday, William, Janet, baby Christabelle, Ben and I had dinner together at the Fisherman's Wharf.

When the clock struck midnight (I was spending the night with Ben's family), I was in my room watching YouTube, unaware of the activity that had been going on outside. Suddenly, I heard sounds that made me feel like I was in the Penan village back at Long Lamai - the beautiful sounds of the hollow bamboo-case (which we had brought back from our mission trip) being hit with a bamboo stick. Except well... the rhythm of the bamboo-hitting wasn't quite Penan-ish. So tickled was I that I laughed. Opened my door to see Ben's mum grinning outside with the bamboo and all...

"Ehhh... come and see what is that..." she urged.

I did not have a clue, neither did I suspect a thing - coz I am now quite used to Ben's mum's cute-ness, humor, amusing surprises and explosions of creativity. I ran into the dim dining room very curious. Was greeted by uncountable candles (I just forgot how many) on a huge cheese cake. The Wongs sang me a birthday song... and I blew out my candles for the year! :)

The next day, I nearly forgot to wake up - was late for lunch with my dear, patient Rachel. But we did have lunch (she did not even grumble at my tardiness, bless her soul!!!) and I really enjoyed the fellowship. The evening of my birthday was spent with Ben at Eighteen's Diner... talking, laughing, eating, loving and photographing. Hehe. After that, we returned to Ben's office. I had a good time sitting in his cube, glad that I could keep him company while he finished off some work for the night.

Today, I had lunch with Joanne (totally appreciate the time we could spend together) before she left for Setiawan... and then I went shopping. Was supposed to buy myself some new clothes - but I just found it so, so hard. Not to mention, I was fickle-minded and indecisive. I only managed to buy 4 pieces of clothing by the end of the night!

Thus ends my birthday celebrations. Tomorrow, I eat lunch with Vanessa... have reunion dinner with the Wongs... and on Thursday, Ben and I will make our way to KL! :)