of Mandarin drama, eros love, water in hands and such...

When I was a kid, I didn't know how adults could carry water in cupped hands. I would rinse my mouth from a mug everytime I brushed my teeth - because I couldn't bring enough water to my mouth with my hands. Later, I learned that you had to keep the gaps in between your fingers tightly sealed, so that the water couldn't escape (that quickly).

When I could finally catch the water with my small hands, I discovered another aggravating problem - I just couldn't stop obsessing over the tiny amounts of water that escaped through the tiny, irreconcilable 'crevices' - so much so that I forgot about the larger volume of water I was already holding in my palms. I would watch in dismay, as the water leaked out slowly...

Clever kid, huh? :P I ended up rinsing my mouth from the mug for many, many more years.

Watching a Mandarin drama on TV today, I came across a fascinating statement that went something like this, "Love (eros) is like the water you try to catch with your hands. The water that flows in between your fingers - you know it is not meant to be yours."

Ah, Mandarin drama, you say... but I was reminded first of all...that not all things are meant to be ours. And when that happens, we often respond in 2 ways: If it can be held onto, we would hold on tightly to it for our dear life, unwilling to part with it, till nature takes its course - and we inevitably have to let go, albeit with an aching heart... OR if it cannot be held onto (especially if it wasn't yours to have in the first place), we spend long periods of time in denial, bargaining and depression, still hoping that a miracle would land it on our doorstep someday.

This doesn't have to be eros love of course.

The question is - why do we get so consumed by what we yearn for and do not have, or circumstances that we wish to change/get out of... that we forget to appreciate our portion and our lot? Why is it so difficult to be contented in the place and position in time we presently occupy? Even more baffling is how we can be so thankful about things one day - and so discontented the very next day. How I can swing from being so joyful at one moment, and so troubled and affected the very next - even by the most trivial distractions.

Anyway, watching the Mandarin drama also reminded me of a very memorable season in my life... Back when I was contented, preparing and planning to graduate in 6 months time, and quite happy with my singlehood (you could also say that I had given up looking for someone to fit my ideals of a 'dream man' myself as a job too perplexing and distressing). Before that, just like many other girls, I used to have crushes on guys, whom I am glad (now) that God lovingly did not allow to reciprocate my feelings. They were like the 'water' that flowed between my fingers, I guess. LOL. I did get hurt countless times. But I was thankful for their friendships, really... because it was through these (and a close brother, who taught me much about guys!), I learned to be a good sister and friend, having no earthly brothers of my own. I finally arrived at September 2007 - a turning point in my life, which caused me to surrender all to God -and give up looking all together.

Ben came into my life after that. We started off very randomly as friends - I never spoke to him in church before that, and we had no intention for the friendship to develop into anything else deeper from the start. I loved him as a brother, and treated him as I would treat any other brother. (And I had plenty of good, neutral guy friends in my life by then). Likewise, he treated me as he would treat any other girl (And he had plenty of good female friends in his life too). I did not attempt to hide my geeky self when I was him. I did not bother laughing any gentler, dolling myself up when I met up with him for lunch, or behaving out of the ordinary just to be liked. I still ate as heartily as ever and gained weight from all that snacking while studying for my final exams. I studied, served in church, and kept close to God. In fact, I hoped that nothing would happen in between us, because I thought I'd be leaving Penang after graduation.

But well, while we were pretty contented in our friendship, things took an unexpected twist and turn, in God's will. The rest was history. More than two years have passed, and I still often wonder if I would have missed him and us, if I had continued obsessing over the 'water' that was flowing in between my fingers....