Refocusing my life...

After being in the dark about my situation for days, finally I felt the Lord impress something on my heart today...

My agenda... Not yours.

The problem with me - I know the truth... but I have always fallen into the same temptation to be busy in ministry work... because I get anxious and guilty when I am not doing something. I also am one of those people who find it extremely difficult to say "NO!" Hardy har har. (I know, it probably sounds a little lame...but I assure you that I am serious 'bout this! Anyway, I'm sure some of you know what exactly I am talking about...) Then I end up many times, laboring in vain, burning out (BO), being very discouraged about things and resentful at everyone else, and accomplishing very little.

Believe me, when I say "I go to school", it's not your regular school, ok :P - in many ways, I find it tougher than med school. It was OK to be lazy back in med school. Now, it is not only unacceptable to be lazy in MBTS because you can get expelled for poor performance, hehe (certainly don't want that to happen!)... but it is unwise because you will feel so convicted. Experiencing the fear of the Lord seems so much more intense here (yes, in the hills, amidst trees, slopes, monkeys - real ones, pastors, pastors-to-be, missionaries, etc)... although I think perhaps, it's just me. Recently, I have been very caught up with the higher priority work - finishing important 'school' assignments - which are crazily LONG! Apparently mini-thesis-es (about 6000 words) are no biggie here and a norm - which I am definitely NOT used to when all the homework I did in med school was to prepare presentations, clerk patients and write how I would examine+investigate+manage+treat them, do critical reviews of research articles, research on stuff, occassional long projects, daily notes, look for answers to the questions posted by our lecturers, etc. Also, now that I am taking a Master-level studies in the seminary, my assignments are almost double those of the Bachelor programs... Not to mention, we have exams too. Additionally I've been preparing for the up-coming mission trip and preparing for weekend ministry! With all that I had no choice but to drop alot of things I used to do regularly at church JUST before the big BO struck. Choir, worship ministry, etc, etc. Actually, I've had some conviction to refocus my life and discontinue some of these things for quite some time already - perhaps even before I entered the seminary - but I procrastinated - feeling that all that would be unnecessary... As a result, it was very unfortunate that I had to suddenly pull out of choir and WAM just at the peak of a very busy month in the church-calendar. @_@

*Sigh* My apologies.

Anyway, for many days, I inevitably felt very strange and guilty. On one hand, I did feel relieved in a sense, because now I can focus on the major things I've been called to do. On the other hand, I was overwhelmed, because I felt that I had neglected to serve where there were needs! :P (I have itchy hands...and am prone to say "Yes" to the things I can do, without thinking much.)

This is where I truly admire my boyfriend for his discipline. He constantly reminds me of God's agenda. He prays hard before he gives any commitment to any ministry or commits himself to meeting any big needs (and even so, sometimes I feel that he helps more people than I do!) - I'm not talking about things like carrying chairs in church, problem-shooting at the sound consort, or helping an old lady walk down the aisle, etc which he does readily! :) But about the former, if he feels that he really cannot carry out a task (although there are needs), he will pray some more... then if he feels strongly that God is not calling him to the task, he either delegates or says a strict NO and steps out. Then, in those places God has called him to stay and serve, he gives his very best... even while there are many other things on his plate. Mini Taman-Negara (in the past year), leading CG, etc. Of course he prioritizes some things more than others, but he never gives less than his best. I'm amazed at how he maintains the balance.

On the contrary, I have spent most of my life responding and reacting to needs, rather than prioritizing God's agenda and only responding to the needs He tells me to respond to. I often pack my own schedules, don't spend enough time reflecting and evaluating, work till I drop, labor in vain and do a whole lot of unnecessary stuff... Then I keep BO-ing, losing focus and missing out doing the things God's called me to do well. Studying in the seminary and having to pick my own subjects and classes has been training me by God's grace to FOCUS... and I guess, this good habit is slowly diffusing into every area of my life. Except that it feels awkward when you start changing the way you used to do things for the past um, 2 decades of my life or so...

As I mentioned I have been feeling rather miserable lately... You have to understand. I have been serving in choirs and the music ministry for the past 7 years - and it just feels sad that this season in life has caused me to stop. Or rather God is arranging my circumstances so that I don't have much of a chance to hold on to it. (I'm just very sentimental, ok....It almost feels like the last day of high-school or college!) However, the other day, my boyfriend reminded me that we cannot expect to be doing the same things every season. While God may tell us to stay at times, other times He might have new things for us to do (according to His main purpose and unique agenda in each of our lives) and it could require that we discontinue what we have always been doing to adopt new routines, new schedules and new ministry work, make new investments in the lives we never used to touch, move to new places, and etc. We shouldn't keep comparing where we are currently with what we used to do in a particular ministry... and strive to do the things we used to do in the past seasons. More importantly, we've got to ask ourselves:

Are we where God wants us now? Have we grown deeper in our relationship with Him?

Made me think quite a bit.

Then today, at EFCC-MLM, God spoke to me.

My agenda. Not yours.

I tell you... This cannot be a co-incidence!

So, what is God's agenda for me in this season?