A year of grace...

Exactly one year ago, I wrote this in my God journal:

"Praise the Lord!!! I passed my medicine and surgery finals! Great is His mercy indeed, unto me!"

Results had been released a day ago, I think. Finals had just ended a few days ago. Anyway, I happened to have that particular day to myself...

Sweet memories of myself sitting in a cafe that afternoon (with fascinating ceiling lights - balls twice the size of my head, dangling down at various distances from the ceiling) all by myself to celebrate - coz everyone else was either working or had gone home to be with his/her family in between our finals and graduation in July... I had chosen to stay back in Penang, partially because I had an interview coming up for my full-time work at the church, partially because we were having choir practices for the upcoming Church Anniversary, and there were many other matters to settle before July arrived.

The coffee tasted extra-great, btw. I'm not kidding. I had gotten so accustomed to drinking bad-tasting coffee just for the caffeine, in the preceding months. This one was heavenly!

You can probably tell that I am a coffee-lover.

I stayed in the cafe for a few hours writing in my journal and savouring every bit of the heavenly drink. Penned the following verses:

"...But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong; God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things - and the things that are not - to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before Him. It is because of Him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God - that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written, "Let those who boast, boast in the Lord." (1 Corinthians 1:27-31)

Today, a dear sister and friend, Lydia gave me a surprise call this evening... and seriously, I had not expected such encouragement to come my way at such a random time of the day/week. But God brought it... and she said things that left me trembling literally - in awe of God's faithfulness. (Thank you, my dear...) I could do nothing but to fall down on my knees, and cry out to Him right after the phone-call had ended. When I read my journal (as I often do 'cross-journal-entry' comparisons from time to time), it seemed as if God was reminding me again, exactly a year after that beautiful day - about how He often uses the most rejected or looked-down upon vessels for His glorious purposes. If only more of us would avail ourselves to be 'foolish' (as the world deems) for Him.

I didn't know then, that God was giving me a 'fore-taste' of what the rest of the year would be like for a 'fool'. Or um... the rest of my life, perhaps.

I'm not saying here that I was very good at being 'foolish'. Neither am I trying to boast about my 'obedience' to choose to be a 'fool'! It was only by His grace, I had arrived where I arrived. But yeah, I was a fickle-minded 'fool'!

It's a little like how Peter said so decidedly, "No Jesus, I would NEVER deny you..." but he ended up denying Jesus 3 times by the end of the night. Just as how Jesus was not surprised that Peter would end up that way, I don't think He was surprised with me...He knew the stuff I was made of, and how much I had to learn. I had of course counted the cost, before I chose to walk this path... but when the terrible weight of it started descending upon my shoulders, I was shaken... rather like Peter, when he was walking on the water - and he should have been keeping his eyes fixed on Jesus, but he got distracted by the scary winds and big waves! (I could have been more shaken, if it hadn't been for God mercifully giving me the best friends ever.) My family and close friends, you'd know - how weak and timid I've been, how many times I've texted you guys asking for prayers, how resentful I was in some ways, how terribly discouraged I was... and how tempted I was to dig for myself another path, apart from that of the Lord.

I'm serious. I contemplated the most unthinkable things. You can ask Pig. She walked a long stretch of this journey with me. I still keep all the histories of our conversations, dear.

But, hey... I didn't mean this to be a sob-story. I've learnt more about grace this year than I've ever had before. Grace, undeserved, in its purest form - I saw how God caused it to flood every corner of my life. Where I kept rebelling and later, feeling bad about that filled with remorse, grace came again and again, as if freshly wrapped each time. Where I found it tough to rough-out the consequences of my decisions, grace came and gave me the strength I never had. Grace came in the kind words my loved ones gave, the kind hands that blessed me, the beautiful love-gifts that fell into my lap (lovely surprises, all of them), and in answered prayer.

I didn't know how miserable I would be when I saw my friends leave one by one, after our graduation in July. I cried my eyes out, when it all finally sank in... and I realized with much sorrow, that our season together had ended and that we'd be going down very different paths. And there was nothing much I could do about it, except to keep in touch.

But the year wasn't all too difficult. I didn't know that I would meet Pig in the lithurgical dance workshop (hehe, remember that one?:P) - and that we would end up being such close friends today. God gave me many other wonderful friends here in Penang (as well as many new friends who were not from Penang).

I didn't know that my degree (which I used to think rather 'redundant' ) would earn me a chance to do M.Div's at MBTS - which has always been something I had dreamed of, since I took seriously the call to full-time ministry. In fact, I've stopped regretting med-school eversince. I wouldn't even have ended up in Penang, if it wasn't for that! I am starting to realize more and more often nowadays, that God had His reasons to put me through that 5 gruelling years.

God has been very gracious indeed.

Today, during worship, I thought this well-known hymn very appropriate. The words are all true, btw. I've found all of them to be true indeed. Couldn't sing the last stanza without tearing.

Great is Thy faithfulness
O God, my Father
There is no shadow of turning with Thee..
Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail not
As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be...

Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I'll see
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided
Great it Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me...

Summer and winter, springtime and harvest
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above...
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Pardon for sin, and a peace that endureth,
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide
Strength for today, and bright hope for tomorrow
Blessings all mine with ten thousands beside...

Thank You, Lord.