I miss ME.

I'm at the halfway point of my delightful holiday in Singapore.

Yes. Yes. Yes. You probably know by now that I am feeling so blessed that I came. Being with some of the closest friends to me in the world, having heart-to-heart talks with people that matter, eating and sleeping in peace (ah, decided that assignments can wait!), refreshing myself with much alone time with God, etc... precious moments indeed.

However, apart from all that enjoyment, this holiday actually stripped me bare of the many masks I usually wear in Penang... and made me realize how I miss being ME. The ME I only got to know in Dublin - one who loved going out with close friends, serving the Lord unreservedly and unrestrained by so much formalities (seriously, please don't admire me or anything - I humbly confess that my zeal now is probably just a quarter of what it used to be before), living a balanced sort of life, etc. Well, perhaps life there suited my person better...and I functioned way better in the kind of environment we had over there. It was not really a comfort zone; I was not always comfortable - but there, my attitude towards serving was way different. I miss ME. Somehow, because of one reason or another - that ME had to be concealed when I came to Penang... more so, the past few years - that I have been suffocating a little. Drowning little by little. Buried. So influenced by certain ways of the general Penang population, the mindsets - although I try not to conform. Perhaps I was discouraged... although I've tried to hide it. Whatever you call it. Coming to Singapore and being with my friends (who are still serving as unreservedly as before) again, I realized that ME is buried under layers and layers of ruble... How do I go back to being ME while I have to stay in Penang? I mean, of course, God has a reason for me to be here right now. I just need to adapt somehow.

(I just don't know how Ben does it. I really admire....)

Well, if you don't understand or if this doesn't make any sense, that's ok. It's after all, my own problem... so I will have to deal with that between me and God. That's gotta need quite some brainwork and (maybe drastic) adjustments. But where do I start?