Countdown: 3 days to freedom and....

Chesty cough worsened today. Sputum turned yellow-green.

I lost my voice. Then when I had to make a phone-call, I sounded like a guy. The operator on the other end of the phone-line must have been a little... um...surprised ... because this 'guy' is named Grace. Even I was traumatized and geli-fied myself. Kept clearing my throat to let her know that I am really a girl with a bad voice. *Sigh*

I had a couple of weird dreams last night.

First I dreamt that I had to stay in a dorm for some reason. For some reason, I did not feel good about that dream - I can't remember many details of that dream now. I seem to remember my late-mum being in that dream though. (I still dream of her sometimes, even though she's been absent in my life for about 9 years by now.)

Secondly, I dreamt that I had been invited to a gathering at a restaurant in a huge shopping center - when I was there, my friends were kinda nice to me (out of politeness) but they simply left me out of everything - and all I wanted to do was to go home. Then I had parked my car somewhere in the huge carpark of that shopping center - and then when it was time to look for it, I just couldn't find it. It was definitely still in the basement, because it beeped everytime I pressed on my remote control... I just couldn't make out where the sound came from. Which direction, etc. At the end of my dream (i.e. just before I woke up), I still couldn't find my car. Which meant I couldn't go home. *Boo hoo* All the emotions I went through = loneliness, rejection, disappointment, anger, anxiety, frustration, depression.

Defeated. It felt like everything and everyone was against me somehow. Like I had to prove myself to be accepted. Like I was unworthy. Like I didn't deserve to have good friends, be loved or to even have a place of refuge. It was one of those dreams that left me tired and dazed. I didn't cry in my sleep though. You think my dream is a reflection of my subconscious? Hmm, I don't know.

I so need God. I wanna be secure in His love. Yesterday, during my prayer time, I realized that I still don't trust others that easily and whenever somebody breaks my trust, I forgive but I have a difficult time trusting again. But, I really want to trust God, coz He has never failed me and is faithful even when I am not. He doesn't love me because I am worthy ~ but because He truly loves me, I am worthy... because our relationship with God must be based not on a contract but a covenant of grace.