Dealing with the past...

Back from a day of classes and music practice at the school chapel.

Today's class on self-care for pastors/church leaders was interesting. We learnt about dealing with our pasts, which is important if we are going to shepherd people in the future. Our pasts will inevitably have a negative impact on the ministry, if we do not learn to release old wounds, come to terms with grief and forgive. We watched a brilliant movie Jennifer Lopez starred in - 'An Unfinished Life' - and identified 3 main ways people deal with their pasts.

Some, like Mitch Bradley, realize that accidents can happen to anyone and everyone can make mistakes, so they forgive those who trespass against them, forgive themselves and move on. The second group of people, like Einer, cannot come to terms with the mistakes they made, or how others let them down - they harbour anger, bitterness and resentment for many years, not realizing that the only people they poison are... themselves. Furthermore, many of these live lives of regret and in loneliness because they won't let anybody help them. The third group of people, like Jean Gilkyson, numb themselves by repressing their real emotional response to the catastrophe and attempt to move on. These tend to find ways of escape, replacement for the loss and new things to make up for the old - regardless of how difficult it may be and how they may sometimes find the wrong things to fill up that void.

I think I belong to the 3rd group of people.

When my mum died of an illness when I was 17 (year 2001), I was extremely, extremely grieved. I could not bring myself to sleep that night, after she had breathed her last - because I feared waking up to more catastrophes. Also, I was still in disbelief and shock. I couldn't imagine facing tomorrow without mum around. However, I did not give myself enough time to come to terms with her death or allow myself to go through the normal grieving process. I remember telling myself, even the very next day, that I had to be strong. The house needed to be kept in order. Meals needed to be cooked. My younger sister needed to be taken care of. I needed to get into college and medical school, because my life depended upon it :P. I remember the funeral procession along our street. Our relatives wept and lamented. Having cried until I had no tears left when they closed up the coffin that morning, I was silent, numb and detached. I myself thought that I had come to terms with mum's death - but honestly, I had not.

In the days, weeks and months that followed - whenever I missed my mum or recalled the events leading to her demise, I would just push those feelings aside, distract myself and focus on the 'priorities'. It was no wonder that for many years after that, I suffered from frequent nightmares, broken sleep and depressing dreams of my late mother @_@; went into two relationships that did not last (the first one more disastrous than the second), had depression and turned bulimic (from being anorexic).

Now, 8 years have gone past since mum left. I am so thankful that God gave me the most wonderful friends who helped me deal with that particular remnant of the past and find peace in Him.

I want to be like Mitch Bradley. Lord, please help me embrace his positive attitude towards life's failings!