The only way to live...

... is to first die.

Mid-week and a reflection on the cross...

Two more days before Ben's family and I journey toward KL - and meet up with dad....

*jeng, jeng, jeng* :P (sorry couldn't help putting in the sound-effects - it was too hard to resist... Hehe!)

MLM training tonight at church. Spiritual formation and Community duty tomorrow @ MBTS. Meet up with the florist on Friday. Above all, I'm gonna try to turn in my week's assignments before Friday is up.

It's a busy week all right. I will get busier still as the term goes on... toward my wedding. But I feel more alive now than I did last year... even with all the bending, stretching, chipping off of unwanted bits and pieces, chiseling... Perhaps what they say is true ~ taking up the cross sounds harsh and unpleasant... and subjecting ourselves to the Potter's hands which mould us, imperfect vessels of clay, sounds intrusive indeed. However when we surrender to these, we are set free from the disturbing dissonances within us that come from wrestling with the gentle yet persuasive promptings of the Holy Spirit... as He bids us to leave behind our old selves more and more (whatever is necessary - be it giving up old sins, taking up new challenges, releasing control of our lives unto God, choosing His way, etc). Yes, we are set free. This is the power every child of God is entitled to receive when he or she yields to His Spirit. We dare not at times... but when we glimpse the immense beauty of the transformed life, we timidly wish for such transformation - except that it may not be quite as painful.

At one junction of my life, I was there with my Eating Disorders, wondering if I would ever proceed... if there was such a thing as freedom from EDs... if there is truly healing in taking up the cross...

picture source

Now that I have discovered the resounding "YES" to the above questions, I am at another junction of my life with some other struggles that have yet to be worked on. I will not lie and say that I am great at taking up the cross. Sometimes, the hardness of its 'wooden frames' bruises my shoulders and the cross feels too heavy for words... so I (being your typical hedonist in nature) yield to the temptations to set it down for a bit. I always cringe at the slightest pain and open my mouth to pour out copious complaints! (And I am wondering how I'll behave during childbirth...May God give lots and lots of GRACE!) But dear friends, thank you for inspiring and encouraging me (in different ways) to deny myself and take up the cross again. Yes, please kindly continue to motivate me. I will need and appreciate it.

Christ... first took up the cross. While we share in His sufferings today, He will make us more than overcomers.

So don't lose heart.

Tuesday ~ sFirst day of school, 2011...

Breakfast table.... at six something in the morning...

My yummylicious honey-almond cereal with soy milk and supplements...

I've started with 'Conflict Dynamics' classes this week - with Mrs. L - and it has been good learning so far. It helped me to examine myself, really.... because every conflict begins with ourselves.With our hearts sensing threat toward our held values, desires, goals or habits...whether from external sources or the dissonance caused by new ideas. Yet, any conflict can be an opportunity to s-t-r-e-t-c-h oneself and grow in leaps and bounds.

All in all, first day of school was thankfully delightful.

Some random thoughts...

I was reading somewhere (I forgot where) a few days back that many of us often separate 'spiritual' activities from 'non-spiritual' activities. For example, reading the Bible is deemed more spiritual than enjoying good music... going for church meetings is more spiritual than meeting up with friends for a meal... working in church is more spiritual than working in the corporate world or picking up after active kids at home as a house-wife. As a result, we get Christians sadly living in two separate worlds - the church world during weekends and the non-church world during week days. There are even ministry workers who have neglected their wives and children for ministry to others - which is considered much more important than spending time at home. We often forget that God is always present... Whenever that happens (think: while driving among reckless and annoying drivers on the road, when our days are filled to the brim with mundane chores, when we are cranky, snappy, PMS-ing or about to fall into sin; etc. *guilty, guilty*), we live and act and speak as if God were not around!

I admit that I too often forget that God watches over me every moment of my waking hours (as well as those when I am fast asleep). If we are spiritual beings, shouldn't everything we do be spiritual, if not divine? Washing dishes, doing laundry, emptying the trash-bin, driving, comforting the bawling children, eating, working, exercising in the gym, sleeping, etc - all these are some of the necessary activities which we can still carry out with our human bodies while we are away from our Heavenly Father. If we are aware of the continuous presence of God, shouldn't we carry them out as our spiritual acts of worship?

For Romans 12:1-2 says, "Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect."

In other words, should we not carry out our daily activities in these earthly bodies we live in, with a different kind of attitude from that of the world - seeing that God has graciously given us new lives in Christ and the constant presence of Himself? Indeed, He will be with us to the very end of age. Emanuel! This is the Almighty, sovereign God who does not divide Himself and give everyone one part of Himself - but He gives Himself fully... to each and everyone of us who put their hopes in Him.

I have decided ever since, that I will try to bear God's constant presence in mind this year - as I go through my daily activities (be it assignments, housework, driving in Penang, etc), because it is ultimately that which gives perfect peace.

Monday...

Imagine... tomorrow morning I will be again driving along the roads that lead me to Batu Feringghi. And stuck in the usual morning traffic jam. *Shudders*

Time is flying. In 4 days time, it will be another monthsary for Ben and I ~ and just another 4 months to us getting married! Gosh... we haven't sent out the invitations yet. *Panic*

This Saturday, it's in-laws-meet-my-dad in Kay Elle. *Gulpppp* I am kinda nervous. Hehe...We will be traveling to KL early in the morning, having lunch with dad (and maybe a few relatives)... and then making it back to Penang later that evening.

Today, I didn't get much done...but it was a gloriously simple day of rest. Slept-in the whole morning (dunno why I was so tired), had lunch, went vitamins-shopping and grocery-shopping in the afternoon, tidied up the house a little, did some exercise in front of the telly, ate dinner... and did QT.

Prayed - and felt a sense of relief somehow when I remembered something I read somewhere - about how God hushes and interrupts the Heavenly proceedings to listen to the prayers of the saints coming up from the earth. It's a wonder how God can make out who is calling upon His name every time... And yet He does!

Gonna spend some time reading - and then it will be time for bed.

Burger King with Ben

The pictures say it all. I love dates.

Ben made a remarkable statement yesterday: "I enjoy eating with you, dear... Coz you look so happy when you eat..."

Hehe.... Praise God... for so much healing in my EDs that I no longer make meal-times miserable for others like I used to. Also ~ that I can be adventurous with my food nowadays.

Spring-cleaning day...

Despite our busy schedule on Saturday, I HAD to give my house a good spring-clean (the first one in 2011) - just because I will be going back to school tomorrow...

So, while Ben was at church for a CG leaders' meeting, I was wiping every item in my house. I stumbled across a mouldy congregations (oh gosh, you'll never guess where they set up their base), loads of dust and some rotten uneaten food in the fridge... but loads of other stuff fit to be recycled. Decided that I wouldn't hoard - so I organized the recyclable goodies into bags and ditched the rotting stuff.

Then my dear Ben returned from church... and was assigned to wash my bathroom and mop the floors of my 600 sq.ft apartment...

Tee hee hee...here he was trying to look sad, as if I had forced him to wash the bathroom... Do not let his looks deceive you... he was more willing than he looked. Not to mention - he did a pretty good job too! I definitely have the best landlord ever!!! :DTo quote Ben (to Suan Hui at CG the same night): "Where can you find such good landlords? I was forced to clean the toilet!!!" LOL.

A clean house feels good.

Seminarian steamboat gathering photos... Courtesy of Pamelyn Teh