Loving yourself is...

Today, I happened to walk past rows and rows of pretty shoes, going at a discounted price. The girl in me drooled. Of course, I did not buy new shoes. I just drooled.

I looked at the many closed-toe sandals on sale - and a part of me wished that the shape of my feet weren't so weird that I could wear them without pain and causing further deformity to my feet.

And then this thought suddenly came to mind. I believe it must have been God-inspired, somehow.

Part of loving yourself is accepting that not all things are meant to go well with you... and that you do not have to possess all things to be of value.

For me, I will have to accept that I will never have much opportunity to wear closed-toe sandals (unless they happen to provide ample toe-space - which elegant ladies' shoes almost never, nowadays). I will have to accept that certain clothes would never look good on my pear-shaped body, certain shades of make-up will never match my skin (unless I had enough time to maintain a tan), certain hairstyles would never suit the shape of my face (despite how much I like 'em)... and I'll always have to steer clear of sleeves that make my arms look big(ger). I am not putting myself down when I accept that I will never achieve my goal of being extremely svelte without killing myself. Coz I was made to have curves. According to an awesome, divine plan.

And when you accept that not all things fit or sit well with you, you can finally rule them out of your "to get" list. And you would finally be able to appreciate the very things God has made you to enjoy and find fulfillment in... and ultimately, the way God has made you.

I know some people just love to push themselves. I am not saying that they are wrong to do so.

In fact, we should be excellent in everything we do. Scale the highest mountains we can ever scale. Serve God with your fullest potential and passion. Conquer your greatest fears and challenges if you like. But we will always have our unique limitations. Physically especially, since we live in our bodies - and relational-wise, since God made us to function and grow within our relationships with people. I never respected my limitations before. I thought they were namby-pamby nuisances. And so I stopped caring for them. That is when I hurt those who loved me, I lost my health... I stopped loving myself, I lost respect for myself... and ultimately, I lost myself.

Mark 8:36 - "For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world, and forfeit his soul?"

Forfeiting one's soul indicates a failure in recognizing God's brilliant design for one's being, his/her limitations and yet the ultimate fulfillment of being contented in one's possessions, beauty, gifts and life purpose. In short, a person who forfeits his/her soul has never loved himself/herself... and therefore, has never been able to fully appreciate his/her Creator. If you cannot fully appreciate your Creator and thus, cannot be close to Him, you will never be able to live according to His purposes (coz you can never trust Him enough and your own agenda takes over).

And when the wrong purposes drive our lives...where do you think we will end up? I just think that I would be always unhappy. Always running after the wrong things - and when I finally obtain them, I would still be unhappy and never satisfied somehow.

So what does it profit you to gain the whole world and forfeit your soul?

Absolutely nothing.

Tuesday

I've been taking a great liking to Cosway products recently.

I like it that I am able to browse from a catalog, think and plan what to get (in the comfort of my home too!) instead of my usual fickle-minded browsing the aisles and ending up with alot of unnecessary purchases. Plus, I hate how the sales-people just can't leave me to shop in peace. Not only do they tag along while I stroll around the shop. But always, just when I reach out to touch something, they go, "You can try that on..." or "There is a 20% discount for this row..." when a huge "20% discount" card suspends right before my eyes! It's unbelievable! I usually march out of the shop feeling defeated and frustrated.

Thus saith the anti-social introvert... I am honestly not one of those who are naturally gifted to make small-talk with shop-keepers... Silence is golden ...and a rule when I shop alone. Hehe.

Cosway sells alot of interesting gadgets, creams, toiletries, house-hold appliances, supplements and clothes among other stuff. To be entitled for the special discounts all year round, you need to pay a small fee for an annual membership.

Sabbath Day...32nd monthsary

A day of rest and celebration for God's faithfulness throughout the week.

Ben and I had blessed 32nd monthsary. Ben's parents, Ben, James (his bro) and I just returned from an amazing one-day trip to KL yesterday. The occasion? Well... part of our preparations for marriage in exactly 4 months time, Ben's parents who hadn't met my dad before yesterday thought that it would be a good time to introduce themselves to my dad. Dad himself initially thought that he would go up to Penang in February/March to visit my in-laws - but it looks like... Ben's parents beat him to it! LOL.

We drove down to KL armed with a large gift-hamper, which my in-laws had thoughtfully insisted on getting - to bless my dad on their first visit to my home...and a love-gift from the family of the bridegroom to the dad of the bride (Ye-a-ah, it felt a bit weird - that I was visiting my own dad together with my in-laws... you get my drift? This is totally not your typical upacara meminang, whereby the parents of the bridegroom visit the family members of the bride - and discuss wedding plans. This time, the bride is visiting her own father with the parents of the bridegroom! Hehe...) Dad and his two older siblings met us at Gao Ren Guan restaurant in SS15 for lunch. After lunch, we all headed home for the 'discussion' I had much dreaded. Hehe.

Turned out, it wasn't at all dreadful - as I had expected (moral of the story: don't watch too many TVB/Korean/Singaporean dramas or take everything people tell you for granted - and so scare yourself). I had tortured myself all the way back to KL, imagining the worst case scenario - what if: everyone ends up shouting at the top of their voices, arguing about the dowry... then a crazy relative of the bride dislikes the bridegroom, and decides to make things extra difficult for him to marry the bride by demanding a costly dowry... etcetera. Subsequently, what happens if the bridegroom decides that the bride is not worth all that trouble - and changes his mind... Slamming his fist on the table, he says, "Suan le ba..."

Of course, it was my melancholic nature playing up and conveniently allowing my brain to run loose with messed up, bizarre imagination! As you would have probably guessed, I had been pretty stressed out about this trip in the first place.

My relatives and dad were so hospitable to my in-laws and the conversation that took place between both 'parties' so gracious - that I became skeptical myself. LOL.

There was not even a single mention of who-should-pay-for-this-and-that. The parents on both sides just agreed that they would help us as much as they can (if we needed) to get ready for our holy matrimony. And lovingly accept us as part of the family.

Thought that my eyes and ears were playing bad tricks on me.

When we finally left my home and waved goodbye to Dad and my relatives, I let go of the breath I didn't realize that I had been holding. Heaved a sigh of relief... and thanked God profusely from the bottom of my heart for His gift of grace and great faithfulness to Ben and I.

We wound up at IKEA for some furniture-shopping and a sumptuous meal before we drove back to Penang.

Thank you to the few of you (you know who you are!) who have been praying for us and the trip.

Friday...Term break begins....

...but our assignments have not ended.

With Ben at the Church Leaders' Planning Retreat... I had the whole evening to myself.

Now, I know... when we were in different continents a few months ago, it was quite normal for me to spend my Friday evenings alone. I can't even remember what I did on Fridays... Perhaps, I'd hang out with my friends or catch a movie on my own. Usually, I am able to keep myself occupied some way. (This sometimes makes me feel like a cat - all cool and independent, watchful and unruffled...tee hee!!!)Today, I just did not know what to do with the sudden absence of Ben on a Friday night. I guess I have been too busy the past few days to plan. Everywhere was way too crowded, thanks to the public holiday... I had already gotten myself stuck in a few traffic jams... Queensbay Mall was absolutely swarming with excited shoppers and movie-goers... (Yes, I was there for some errands)... *Phew* I ended up having dinner alone, and returning to my cave...where I could rest in peace.

Yeah... feeling all anti-social and snappy at the many reckless drivers on the road too. Grrrr... Why can't some people just keep to their own lanes... why drive in between two lanes? And why suddenly move to a different lane without signaling while I am charging forward with my foot down on the accelerator? Do you know it's rude, annoying and dangerous? *Honks loudly* @_@ ~ Aihhh.....

Today was just one of those awfully weird days in history. I didn't even feel like shopping. To say nothing of continuing with my assignments...

So burnt out!!! >.<

It doesn't help that the training for Penan M.T starts tomorrow. Really, I am so grateful that I have Uncle Roland (a seminary classmate) from Sarawak to advise me on how I should prepare for the trip. He even offered to lend me a mosquito nets and a sarong! And of course...thanks to Mel Choong and Joycelyn who helped brief me about the conditions there... I am so getting ready my kutu shampoo, mosquito repellants/nets... and haha, motion sickness pills. I honestly feel apprehensive about the hiking with 7 kg backpack for 2 hours... Hopefully, it's not uphill. Ben and I don't have very strong lungs. He's not yet recovered from his acute exacerbation of bronchitis/ - and I am having an acute exacerbation of asthma secondary to a respiratory tract infection. How timely! :P No, I am not kidding.

Plus, the last time I climbed up Youth Park hill (in 2007 - yes, phobia already...) I nearly fainted from dyspnoea... :P After the vigorous exercise and a few puffs from my Salbutamol inhaler, I descended the hill with wobbly legs. It was so embarrassing. I never went up there again.

So please cheer me on in my quest to increase my fitness and stamina by the 23rd of November.

Past few days... I have been both nearly conned by manipulative business people who prey on my vulnerabilities and weaknesses... But thank God, there was an opportunity to minister to at least one stranger person this week, again in the most unlikely places.

Saturday

I've got my "sunscreen-seasons". After those seasons are over, I couldn't care less. No, don't scare me with unsightly tan-lines stories, skin-cancer, premature skin-aging and freckles. I know all these things. But when I'm out of my "sunscreen-seasons", I AM out.

Coz, I don't wanna say this: Sunscreen costs a bomb. But I'll admit it now. I feel the pinch everytime my skin-care products zero...and I have to spend money buying new tubs of face-cream.

Clothes, which are not worn out on the streets by a dozen other girls - or at least the clothes I really like (artsy-fartsy prints, casual dresses in cute boutiques and random stuff from elegant shops) are kinda expensive too. I always have my love-hate affairs with the Sales... On one hand, these eye-catching labels of '50% discount' and '70% discount' entice me... on the other hand, I often end up going home empty-handed. Grrrr.... And some people gasp in disbelief... "But Grace, 70% discount... very cheap already! It's the perfect opportunity to get that x.x.x.x.x you've always wanted to get!" Guys...you are NOT helping me!

Good quality make-up... not even the famous brands endorsed by celebrities and K-pop artists... costs much. And one thing I cannot stand = using expired skin-care products and make-up.

Boy... am I glad that beauty is not skin deep!

If you haven't guessed... I went shopping today. After I brought my car to service.

T.G.I.F!!!

So happy. It's FRIDAY! Again.

Today, I was privileged to lunch with Ben after classes... before my meeting with Mr. WKC at the MBTS library. What's the big deal about it? Hehe, well... I've never had lunch with him on school days before this... we're usually on opposite ends of the island. And I hardly eat out on weekday afternoons. I'd go home and settle with my humble but yummy economy rice lunch box. Today however, he's attending a leadership summit at Paradise Sandy Bay... so we got to eat at Ananda Bahwan together. What a treat! I think I prefer Ananda Bahwan at night though, because it was freaking hot in the afternoon...I had to park my car a little distance away from the back entrance - and walk there in the SUN... *sweats* Almost got blinded by the glaring sunlight too... ~_~ I did enjoy the company though.

I need to go and shop for my lenses after this... Then I'd better quickly go home and begin on my 'last draft' of Mr. Wong KC's assignment: validity of the biblical account of the exodus... also, not to mention the exegesis of Isaiah 6....

Have a great weekend people!!!

Finally went shopping today...

Haha, I spent more time 'cam-whoring' rather than actually buying anything... :P...but yeah...anyway, after feeling pretty left-out today at school (coz almost everyone was dressed in red except for myself, as I did not have a red top), I finally bought myself a red top for Chinese New Year :D Thanks Lydia blessing with the means to shop this year :) I maxed it out - your love-gift, I did.

Shop til' you drop...

What a day...

Trudged around Queensbay for God-knows-how-many-hours, running errands and shopping for presents. Poor feet - can't feel them now. Poor wallet - it feels too light for words!:D *chuckles*

Not that I ended up with that many purchases! I spent more time being fickle-minded... comparing prices of merchandises from shop to shop, brand to brand... cocking my head to one side, trying to decide whether to pay money or not... and feeling bad that most of the stuff I that I really wanted to buy are ridiculously overpriced, despite the grand sales and 50-70% discounts (can't be helped!) Mostly hunted for presents for my immediate family members... coz I am really on super-tight budget. So sorry people, if I miss anyone out this year. Hehe.

Next year, I'm going to have to start skimping on food expenses, since the petrol prices are going to go up by New Year (heard that gov's no longer subsidizing petrol costs) and so, my budget will have to be restructured. No lunching at school for the coming term. Will bring packed sandwiches and fruit from home or something. Wait for the ravens to bring me bread and meat. Praise God somehow... that my savings from this year will last me another 3 months or so. I believe He will stretch it again when it is time.

Amazing huh? :) It's been 6 months of depending on God's mercy and lovingkindness. He provides me my daily bread somehow... through the most random people (I could have never done without their love-gifts! Thank you so much!). Like I said before, although it is certainly scary when funds slowly run out (and I really dislike asking people for money too :P) God knows my heart struggles and never fails to meet my needs on time. Am thinking of tent-making to earn some keep (especially with the mission trips coming up), but at the moment, the workload from seminary and ministry don't seem to permit a fixed job... but, oh well - may God bring me wisdom and ideas in His time.

If you are thinking of hiring someone to write, compose songs, design t-shirts (or other similar stuff - no graphic designing on PC coz my programs are out-dated), or etc - please do drop me a note! :D I just might be able to do it. Exception: I probably won't have the energy and capacity to deal with kids though.

Otherwise, I am still contented with your prayers.

Neways, I digressed. Guess what I am going to use to contain/wrap the gifts? :) Old shoe-boxes and the glossy pages of old magazines... Plus, I've got loads of unused crepe paper, ribbons and other cool recycle-bles in my drawers. (Yeah, I'm a hoarder!)

Packing...and packing....

90% packed. And yikes, I ended up with 4 bags. No kidding!

Bag no. 1 = clothes for more than a week *sweat* (it was very hard work to select the clothes to bring, ok!) + towel

Bag no. 2 = my personal first-aid and emergency kit with the usual stand-by medicines, heels (can't be wearing slippers in church, hey...), mosquito repellent (v.v.important!) I'm mozzy bites prone...), toiletries bag (v.v.v.important!!), make-up pack @_@, a pack of wet-wipes, and other miscellaneous items that couldn't fit into Bag no. 1. LOL.

Kevin T. called me last night to check on me - and he reminded me, "Sandakan is not that ulu, ok! It's like Kampar...perhaps a bit bigger..." Therefore, I purposely neglected packing some things I can buy when I go there - especially stuff for the 2nd half of the trip when we won't be in Sandakan, but the outskirts of Lahad Datu, sort of.

Bag no. 3 = laptop bag and stationery

Bag no. 4 = my usual slung-on-one-shoulder bag for water bottle, books, important personal docs, lip balm, tissues and hand sanitizer...

I don't know why but I feel so vain somehow. Perhaps it is because I thought 2 bags would have sufficed...before I started packing. Now, I have 'over-exceeded' my own limit! (I'm bringing even more bags than I would on a holiday!) But Bag no. 1 cannot be expanded further, Bag no. 2 is a must, and so are Bags no. 3 and 4 :P The good news is that I restrained myself from bringing a small hand-bag!:D Hehe.

Tuesday randomzzz...

Today, I realized that I forgot to buy a few personal items for the MT... so I had to go shopping again :(

You know how some shop assistants are over-enthusiastic - they keep approaching you to introduce you the 'special promotions' in the shop although the promotions are clearly displayed on tags and signs, follow you around the store and whenever you get your hands on something, they persuade you to try it on, although you are just checking it out randomly. I honestly think personal assistance is great - but only when needed and requested. I understand that these people are doing their job...but they disrupt my peace and quiet while I shop. Often I get distracted and either end up buying something that I don't need or FORGET to buy the very things I need. I found the perfect tactic to keep them away today. Practically paraded the shopping centre with a face-mask on the whole afternoon - to protect myself from H1N1 virus. Not only did this keep the shop assistants away. (They came forward as they always do...then when they saw the mask covering my nose and mouth, they'd stop short and smile nervously at me from afar...As you can imagine, I was overjoyed! :P) It also made the other shoppers very cautious - and they would keep away too.

Sorry people. I'm not infectious... but I really needed my own space today!

Last week in pictures...

Was trying to rush my assignments last week...Took alot of breaks in between...

A huge pear that took me ages to get through:P

Vitamins to boost my immune system...my health's a little messed up at the moment. (Again)

Sales, sales, sales everywhere... but I didn't get anything... since I'm on a tight budget :D

Had a crazy but good weekend.

Weekend Metrojaya Warehouse Sales at Pisa...It was crazy. We went twice. First time, just Ben and myself... Second time, with Ben's parents, who were as crazy about the sales as we were... Even it's sekadar kia-kia. They bought even more stuff than we did. (Well I didn't, but Ben did buy something...) ~ And I received an unexpected pressie too:) My very first bottle of Escada EDP!:) Love it! Thanks, Ben!

Alot of people...

Church on Sunday morning...

What I did after dinner on Sunday evening...PS II. (I know, I haven't changed out of my church out-fit yet, except for the shorts ~ wore jeans to church:P). Not very good at it, but it was fun. My characters kept losing to Ben's.*Not fair!!!!*

Went on a trip to Taiping on Monday, since Ben had a day-off, and I didn't have classes. More people were supposed to come, but later, they dropped out last minute as they had other stuff to do.

Drove there with the help of Ben's trusty (but sometimes confusing/confused) GPS...

We had lunch at Larut Matang foodcourt. Char kuey teow... Looks and tastes so different from the ones I usually eat in Penang or KL...

Hokkien mee... Ben says he prefers the one back in Penang...I have no comment, because I'm not a good judge of hokkien mee anyway.

Eat, eat, eat...

Yummy rojak...although the sour mangoes were REALLY SOUR!

Almost done with the eating :P

Had an interesting toilet-experience before we left the place... :P Aside from that, we bought really good beh teh sor and brown sugar biscuits from one of the stalls...

Walking around on the streets of Taiping town...A very peaceful town.

At the Taiping Museum...

Inside the museum...

At the War Cemetery... where all the pahlawan-pahlawan yang terbunuh semasa peperangan were buried...

We went up Maxwell Hill on a jeep.. It was a tormenting, killer ride. The roads were steep and narrow, not to mention bumpy too. Ben and I promised ourselves that we will never go up there again for some time. Pic above: The top station... *PHEW!!!*

Climbing the steep slopes... Somewhat like those at MBTS...

Smiling despite the nausea... Soon after that, it was time for us to take the jeep down the hill again. @_@ *Sweats* Thus began a second round of torment...

Upon touching down at the base, we scrambled to a nearby Malay shop to drink hot milo...to settle our unsettled stomachs...

Nearly pengsan-ed ady...

Our next stop: TAIPING ZOO. My favourite animals first on the list! The elephants!!!:) ~ They rawk!!!

Rhinos...

Seladang. I don't know what you call this in English.. but it's a gigantic looking buffalo... with horns that look dangerous:P But nevertheless, a beautiful seladang.

Girraffes...placidly eating leaves (grassy looking ones) from the tree...

Ostrich - coming closer to say Hallo!:)

The Orang Utan, doing his 'poses' for his admiring audience to capture on photographs!

The deer were tame enough for Ben to feed grass and even pat their heads!:)

Bearded pigs...Honestly they looked like a cross between the Terrier and a pig. With the beard, a very uncle-ish version of your regular pig.

The bear was adorable and friendly... I just feel very kesian for him and his partner, having to live in the 'pen' for the rest of his life... This applies to other animals as well...

This is the famous Taiping Lake in the Lake Gardens... we had initially intended to just go and look-see, but guess what we ended up doing?

Well, not swimming... but we took turns to paddle and manouevre the boat around the huge lake...:P Hehe. *Huff, puff!!!* It was really fun and therapeutic.

Loved the trees and greens...

Our lake-swan...:)

Some of the cute paddle-boats lined up in a row...

We arrived back in Penang at 10pm at night. Exhausted but very thankful for the good weather, good traffic flow, etc. Thank You, God for a blessed trip.

On the whole, our Taiping trip was amazing. Even though I wish our friends could have come along :)

What I liked about the trip: It was very relaxed. No set itineraries, no formalities... we drove around alot, and stopped wherever looked interesting. Tried out the local food and delicacies too. I definitely like Taiping's beh teh sor more than Ipoh's or Penang's.

What I disliked about the trip: The killer, nausea-inducing journey up Maxwell Hill (Bukit Larut)... :S Never, never again...

On a separate note, my house has been smelling strangely like the hospital in the past few days, after Friday's cleaning spree... I suppose you'd think I'm nuts... but, hey... me likey!:) (I'm quite a sucker for sterilization, hand sanitizers, hand washing, anti-bacterial detergents and things like that...I know, I almost sound like I have OCD ~*Grins* ~ but thankfully, some 'hospital habits' are slowly disappearing, and I'm well on my way to becoming a more 'normal' person.)