When you are alone

...and I mean alone in your struggles/sufferings...

~ may it be not a wasted moment.

When nobody else seems to be able to relate to us, we are allowed to grieve. But don't stop there. Walk the extra mile, no matter how difficult the first step. Reach out to the unseen divine presence, even when death seems imminent. Grope around for the switch - snap on the lights and it will flood out the grim darkness of your alcove. God and God alone will not deny an ailing child his/her comfort and reassurance. And such lonely grieving will be transformed into private bonding as between two lovers - only this time, between one and his/her Maker - the eternal Lover.

My Lord, my God! May I know You more in my suffering. May my heart be steadfast. May this time of anxiety bear lasting fruits of peace, contentment and faith. In Jesus' name, amen.

The reason behind my 'hiding'

Ben and I went out for supper with friends, Donald and Michelle yesterday night - two Malaysians who have been working in Dundee, Scotland... for many years by now. One is a cardiologist and the other, a nephrologist.

Since they are back in Penang for Chinese New Year, we decided to meet up with them. We wound up at Kayu's and sat there till about 2am. Chatting about the condition in Europe, how Ben's uni-mates are doing, our wedding preparations, etc. Of course, Donald and Michelle also had to ask me what I would do after I complete my 2nd degree this year. I won't elaborate on what I told them - but I am glad they are so supportive. They even helped me to expand my options! Praise God.

I realized something last night. The actual reason I have been avoiding high-school/college/uni reunions and such. It is not really because I am a little more introverted than I would like to think myself. More than that, I dread trying to answer questions that I do not know how to answer myself. The last time I went for one of these gatherings (Chong-En and Rach's wedding), I received many strange looks.

Most of my former PMC classmates asked me, "So where have you been posted...? (for housemanship)"

Some showed little tact... and made me feel like I had wasted a quarter of my life away and missed out on loads of beauty sleep for nothing. Haha. (No hard feelings... and I don't blame you though.)

Some were surprised but tried to be a little more tactful. "Oh... Wow, you must be having a GREAT life..." when they found out that I was still in Penang, furthering my studies... and not having to be subject to all the horrors of housemanship. Most in this category assume that I will return to clinical work after I've completed my MCS. I did not bother telling them that I actually will not. Unless you, my dear reader, happen to belong to this category - and are now reading my blog!!! :D

Some nodded their heads when I explained that I am doing a degree in theology... and refused to ask more, not knowing how to respond. They did not even proceed to ask me what I am going to do after I am done with MCS. We changed the subject and all went well. Much to my relief.

I became very quiet after a while. Was so, so, so thankful for Ee Ling, who sat by my side all the time - to keep me company while my former classmates discussed their joys and sorrows of work. She even taught me how to reply those unwelcome questions. In fact, we worked out a great template answer! LOL.

Nevertheless, at the end of the night, I was so relieved to get into Ben's car. I have never felt more left-out in my entire life. Honest.

But I still have no regrets about where I am right now. I will indeed arrive in my Promised Land! :) Because God is sovereign.

Grateful...

The woman's conference was really good. (Kudos to the committed team of organizers!) Although I didn't know anyone at first... (I do like adventures like this)... I had made up my mind to enjoy myself - and I did.

How gracious God is... I was able to find my way to the venue of the conference in the morning, and then during our first break-out session, someone sat down next to me... and she randomly said, "I am a final year seminary student..." and that was when we found out that we had something in common! She is another BTS student... like myself... but only in Singapore. Violet is amazing. I honestly don't know how she manages to juggle between MDIV, mummyhood and her ministry.

The food was really good. *sheepish smile* I have come to accept the fact that I am not one with a small appetite. I ate so much, that the aunties seated at my table exclaimed, "Woooaaaaah, you can really eat..."... and I was like, "Yeah...."

No wonder not many guessed that I was 'the Grace' in the powerpoint testimony presented in the morning about my eating disorders... I now look and behave nothing like one who has ever loathed food. But then again, once they knew... it must have been to them a testimony of God's sovereignty and power... to break the chains of ED and to set me free!

However, if Ben reads this, I bet he would just shrug and say, "Told you so..." Coupled with a mischievous grin on his face. *tsk tsk tsk* I am forever trying to protest against his claim that I eat more than him. Of course I do not eat more than him! This is ridiculous...

Subsequently, I thought it was very timely that I came to Singapore for the conference.

Firstly... in the past 2 years, God has been bringing me the message of Elijah, the Ravens, the brook, the widow and Baal at times of great unrest in my soul - through the mouths of different preachers. This year, it is no different. I have been anxious for the past few months about something I couldn't do much about. Today, God brought me the message again - through a Bible study we were doing in one of the break-out sessions... It cut me to the heart; I was deeply moved and recognized that He was telling me to WAIT on Him. I trust that He would somehow make all things fall into place and provide me all my needs.

Secondly, in MBTS chapel this week, our president, Dr. John Ong, preached on Psalm 23. That day, I was half-asleep after a late night... so I caught bits and pieces of the whole sermon... This afternoon, the speaker spoke on Psalm 23 again... elaborating it a little more... and I had a sudden thought in my head... "GOD IS SPEAKING TO ME!!!" Listened intently to the speech... and I found that it addressed my situation, my worries, my doubts, etc... I sensed that He was telling me to wait on Him again!

Right after the conference was over, Aunty ML passed me an envelope which I later realized that God had provided me another month's of supplies. *thankful and touched* It was indeed a beautiful form of assurance for me that God has listened to my prayers. Later, something came up in my conversation with someone... which I felt could imply that God could have started opening some doors... as an answer to our prayers (Ben's and mine).

Surely, His goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

It was also good to meet up with Natalie, a very dear younger sister-in-Christ.

Lord, today I have been very blessed. Thank You, Jesus.

Wetness-day...

A wet morning, with the puddles of rain splashing around my ankles.

I am taking quite a challenging course this week... 'Child development and functioning in families and the community'. It kinda forces me out of my comfort zone because I can't help but address the things of the past. Especially my childhood and adolescence. Sometimes, my own scars startle me and I have to try and hide the wetness in my eyes.

I assure you that I am not making a mountain out of a molehill. And no, you don't have to feel sorry for me... :)

~ Well, at least I won't get to merely sweep things under the carpet and go on carrying emotional baggages for the rest of my life. Painful as it is, I pray that addressing those issues would allow their proper closure... and I don't have to pass them down to my kids in the future. Or those whom I minister to.

Got a bit discouraged in the afternoon about certain MBTS-unrelated stuff. I believe that God has been teaching me to deny my strong-headedness, my want of control, distrust for people and rebellion - I am slowly letting go, taking less responsibilities upon myself (and I really mean the unnecessary ones!), submitting and allowing Him to take control of my circumstances. Painful, depressing and unsettling it may be. But greater is the freedom, I feel. Give me a gentle and quiet spirit, O God... and may I be contented in Your love.

What it means to abide in Christ...

This morning, I read a beautifully written letter from Hudson Taylor to his sister, Mrs. Broomhall, as quoted in 'Hudson Taylor's Spiritual Secret' (Moody Publishers, pg 160-165). So struck was I by this part:

"...The sweetest part, if one may speak of one part being sweeter than another (with regards to abiding in Christ), is the rest which full identification with Christ brings. I am no longer anxious about anything, as I realize this; for He, I know, is able to carry out His will, and His will is mine. It makes no matter where He places me, or how. That is rather for Him to consider than for me; for in the easiest position He must give me grace, and in the most difficult, His grace is sufficient..... So if God should place me in serious perplexity, must He not give me much guidance; in positions of great difficulty much grace. in circumstances of great pressure and trial much strength? No fear that His resources will prove unequal to the emergency! And His resources are mine, for He is mine, and is with me and dwells in me..."

Beautiful passage. Reading Hudson Taylor's biography, it makes me realize how weak a man he was, even though he was the father of China Inland Mission - but how powerful the God he served. How awesome, faithful, gracious and loving. Can we not trust a God like Him?

Will you follow Him?

I think God is so very, very sovereign.

Whenever we think that everything in our lives is spinning out of control - we can take a step back, remember that everything fits into a much bigger picture only God can see at the moment... and know that we can trust Him - because He is more than able to make our paths straight.

In the past week, I have been worrying about stuff just like your typical control freak. Getting all panicky about what's going to happen in my life even in the next few years... where I am going to end up, etc...with that intense desire and temptation to manipulate my circumstances just so that nothing would be unexpected and I wouldn't remain in uncertainty. A preservation act of my comfort zone. LOL. Then today, Dr.Mark Terry preached a very timely sermon based on the call of Abraham in Genesis 12:1-4. I.e. when God said, "Go from your country, your people and your father's household to the land I will show you...." then in vs 4, it is said, "So Abram went, as the Lord had told him..."

In other words, God, the loving Heavenly Father, was calling Abraham to follow and trust Him - into the unknown. God in fact, did not tell him the end at the beginning, or the destination for his quest... except that Abram would be blessed and that he would be a blessing to the nations. To quote Dr. Terry - God's blessings follow those who follow God's will.

But... are we willing to first give up all it costs us to follow Him?

For me, I bet it is my independence especially in the area of my finances for the time being. Coz this humbles me all the time and stretches my faith. Think of it - I wish I were working and earning my own monthly allowances, instead of merely depending on your kind love-gifts to support my living. I always feel bad at Christmas because I can't give pressies to people as liberally as I would have liked to... and I often have to think twice before blessing another with a meal, not because I want to be calculative - but because my monthly expenditures are tightly controlled. (Not to mention, my working friends do not allow me to pay for meals when we go out together :P) I often feel bad spending money on holidays, travels and new clothes because I keep thinking that I'd be spending someone's hard earned money on my own pleasures. :( I also have my own share of worries about where the money for the upcoming months are going to come from, whenever the amount in my bank dips low to critical point. If the ravens will feed me bread and meat. If I would ever be a burden to Ben. Etcetera. You can say, 'Woman of little faith, why did you doubt...' but anyone in my shoes will agree that it is not easy not to doubt :P I am human after all!

I have to honestly confess that I sometimes envy my friends who are working whilst I continue to study full-time after 5 years of med school. As a girly girl, I sometimes envy girls who can afford to spend money on nice clothes, shoes, bags and make-up :P As a tam-chiak person, I sometimes envy people who are able to spend so much money on food... and yet afford a gym membership. Haha.

And I honestly don't like it at all when people say, "What about your boyfriend? Why can't he support you through your studies?" I feel it's a little insensitive. After all, we are not married yet - so he can't be expected to do so... and even if we are, money doesn't come easy. He's got quite a few commitments he's gotta deal with himself, that I am already very thankful that he loves the Lord and is being so supportive about me going into fulltime ministry... even though it may possibly mean that we could be living on single income when we are married. On Penang Island, where living expenses are so high, it is no joke!

I digressed. But yeah... anyway...*sigh*. I don't like being so dependent. But, perhaps this is what I would have to give up to follow God's call. Indeed, I've gotta admit that there have been so many blessings poured upon my life, since I went to MBTS. Right, I don't have all I want... but I know God will provide me all that I need. The joy of the Lord in such a case doesn't necessarily come from what we can see - but the anticipation of what we can't see - i.e. what He's got planned out well for us - and the blessedness of being in the center of His will! :) This is the joy of the Lord that gives me strength through my trials. Romans 8:28 - He makes all things work together for good...

How about you? Is the Lord challenging you to give up something today - so that you can follow Him a little closer?

recap. 11th Mar 08...

Today I am afraid...

of what the future holds

But I know God takes my hand

And leads me to places yet untold...

May I keep my eyes upon Him

As a weaned child contented be...

Not to fret, not to rush,

or not to puzzle over things too wonderful for me.

Be steadfast my soul,

Be still - and wait...

Be asleep in His will like a child

The Lord is never too early nor too late...

Today I am afraid..

of what the future holds

But I know He takes my hand

And leads me along this narrow road...

Running to Him...

It's the start of a marathon toward my 20th November dateline ~ the second last dateline of the year...

Outside, the birds chirp a banter and sing the songs of nature their Creator takes delight in.

Inside my heart, let there too be a song of praise. An overflow of thanksgiving to Him who gives me strength. A serenade of love. Behold, my soul ~ your God's splendor and majesty!

Worship.

The hand of God

About a year ago from today, I wrote this in my blog...

'Praying about getting a job or continuing education. I don't know where or what I'll end up doing - think, perhaps - something I never even expected myself to be doing in the first place. Please pray that God's hand would be upon me.'

Yeah, I did not really expect myself to be studying (yet again) - in the seminary now. My life takes interesting twists all the time.

Theological education and ministry equipping were nothing but a mere dream since year 2007. I remember myself blurting out to Yeh Han in the PMC library one fine day - "I can't run away anymore... I am going into a full-time Christian vocation..."

He solemnly nodded. (We've been talking about this for some many months already.) "OK. So, where are you going?"

"Um, I need to study in the seminary...?" I paused. Seeing that he looked as doubtful as I felt, I grinned and quickly added, "But... I don't know how I am going to get there... I guess, if it is God's will, He will make sure I get there somehow..."

God's hand was and is surely upon my life. Things I previously thought impossible were made possible. I read through some of my Year 2008 entries at my old Xanga blog today. Realized that last year was filled with much unhappiness (haha), restlessness, doubts and uncertainty... well... until the last week of December 2009 - when Pastor Jeya said the 'magic words', hehe. That was when I knew that the Lord was really confirming His will upon my life again, just as He had done in so many different ways, throughout the past 4 years. Somehow, my heart was filled with peace that day.

Boy, I was so happy at Christmas - that the year was finally coming to an end! Hehe.

Today... on November the 9th ~ I am nearing the end of my 2nd term at MBTS. Christmas 2009 is not too faraway now ~ and I know something for sure ~ This year was amazing... and I don't want it to end so soon! I mean... the assignments were CRAZY. And they will not stop being crazy. But the tough parts were indeed opportunities for me to see God's hand work in my life again and again. God is good indeed. All the time.

So guys... if you ever read my lamentations on my blog 'bout assignments and exhaustion, do know that I am doing it with faith in my heart.

Am I making sense? :P

The week begins

Dawn awakens in a few hours time. I shall be celebrating a new today. What new mercies will it bring?

...Perhaps, pain-relief for my right arm and hand. I hurt them over badminton today. No swelling. No discoloration. No increased temperature of skin over injured area. Just an intense ache, tenderness to touch, a little soreness of joints, and the scary inability to grip or coordinate fine movements of the hand and fingers. So much so that my right arm does not feel like a part of me. Mysteriously estranged from the rest of my body. But I must say that I did enjoy playing crazy badminton games with friends after a long time of doing more 'individual' sports. Cherished the precious moments and company. Even though we spent alot more time picking up dropped shuttle-cocks towards the end of the 2-hour-session out of exhaustion! *laughs* Smashing shuttle-cocks into the net too!

...Perhaps, the ability to drive to school and play the piano for praise-and-worship tomorrow at Vision Camp even despite the unrelieved pain. I've got faith for that.

...Perhaps, the opportunity to witness a work of God's hand upon even one heart.

...Perhaps, the privilege to tell someone that His love reaches beyond borders and endures forever.

...Perhaps, the courage to pray for a sick person to be healed.

...Perhaps the grace of being able to be patient despite someone else's flaw. The compassion to understand and not be legalistic.

...Perhaps the hushed heart made steadfast to wait. Especially when my mind chews on unnecessary fears that make it worry.

...and the simple joy and unsurpassed peace of remembering that He holds me in the palm of His hand.

Faith that heals...

I think we take prayer too lightly sometimes.

Firstly, we pray, knowing that it is right to pray... but not with the conviction that something is happening in the spiritual realm when we do. If only we knew the victories of such spiritual warfare - we'd be flocking to every prayer meeting and spending alot more time on our knees!

Secondly, we don't pray enough expectant, faith-studded prayers.

I was so convicted when I re-read Mark 5:25-34 today. @_@ Ok, it was not exactly on the subject of prayer...but faith. The unyielding faith and conviction of a woman subject to an incurable, worsening bleeding disorder for the past 12 years (no kidding man - I have enough bleeding problems of my own! It's distressing enough! I cannot imagine HER distress! When I think of her, I can only imagine purpura, petechiae, haematomas, crippling arthropathy, menstrual problems, life-threatening bleeds and a lot of failed treatment regimes....) which brought her to touch Jesus' cloak that fateful day because '...she thought that "If I just touch His clothes, I will be healed." ' And she went forth - not only desperately, I suppose... but expectantly. She had heard of Him indeed (vs. 27). After all, it is said in a few chapters back, (Mark 3:10-11), that '... He had healed many, so that those with diseases were pushing forward to touch Him. Whenever the evil spirits saw Him, they fell down before Him and cried out, "You are the Son of God!" '

Full of conviction and hope, she too reached forward to touch His clothes - and miracle of miracles! It happened! Her bleeding immediately stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering! (Mark 5:29)

Later when Jesus found her, He said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering." (vs. 34)

Wow.

Well, perhaps, you've been suffering from an illness (emotional, mental, physical, psychological, etc) and have been praying for a long time, but you have not seen results... Do not give up praying in faith. Sometimes, healing doesn't come the way we expect it to. Sometimes, God might need to heal another more important aspect of us, before He can work on the one that causes the most distress. It is also perhaps, the peace He wants to give and the joy in Him that would make us strong! We've just got to keep waiting on Him.

I'm saying this not to appear super-spiritual... but I stand in the shoes of one who has been healed of a very long-standing illness. The many years I waited on God were difficult, but the Lord did exceedingly and abundantly more than I could have ever asked or imagined. During those times when I felt extremely distressed and hopeless, the Lord comforted me through His Word or my loved ones that He was certainly doing something with the massive piles of ruble and rocks in my path even though it remained intangible for that moment in time. Indeed, He has made my path straight!

Keep praying and looking to Him.

----------

Anywayz....I know this is anti-climax :P But....

... I gave up trying to write my mission-trip reflection paper. Have no idea how to begin. Perhaps, I'll go around asking my seniors in school tomorrow, what I am supposed to do about it.

Btw, thanks for prayers, Sophia!:) And everyone else keeping me in prayer.

As for the piles of work from Discipleship in Youth - I'll try not to think of it for the time being... Hehe.

Being contented with the little things...

Staying still in God. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Asleep in His will.

I always believe there's always a reason for things to happen the way they do... because God is a God of purpose!

Last evening, Ben received 2 free movie-tickets from his colleague out of the blue! And he invited me out for a movie after work. We were to watch 'The Taking of Pelham, 123'. I was of course as pleasantly surprised as he was. What a blessing!

We went to Queensbay Mall's GSC after having dinner at Ben's place (his mum doted on us with a home-cooked meal :D). Since we didn't have anything to do for that short hour before the movie started, we walked around the mall window-shopping (no worries, Pig. I didn't enter F21) and licking cones from the ice-cream parlour on LG floor.

I bought MossyGuard from the pharmacy (in anticipation of gigantic, blood-sucking winged creatures from the jungles of East Malaysia). Then since I had run out of cash-on-hand, I went to the ATM machine on that same floor to draw money.

This was when we bumped into Danesh near Jaya Jusco, which reminded me to keep him in prayer.

After that, Ben and I randomly decided to visit Borders, where they had one of songs he likes playing! Because of that, we wandered to the music section of Borders to look for the album. Right across from the music section was the children books section. Ben happened to look in that direction - and he spotted 2 dear friends we've not seen in a while. Subsequently, he was able to approach them in person (he's often wanted to do that, but didn't have much opportunities to do so), and encourage them. It was also good to have seen them after such a long while. Praise God!:)

Felt that God didn't only bless us... :) He arranged divine appointments (as coincidental as they seemed!) so that He could do His work in the lives of others too. Awesomeness!!!

Today, I felt troubled that I've got so many needs, and yet, so little resources. But a dear sister, Sau Chan, forwarded me a video today, which made me cry. Not only I was touched by the moving dance and the 2 imperfect people who danced it. But I felt that the Lord had heard my prayers just this morning, and had given His assurance and grace.

Indeed when we give the little things we have to the Lord, He takes them and works the most beautiful things out of them, according to His perfect will. I know He has already given me many things to be thankful and contented about... I at least have both arms and both legs, which enable me to do alot of things on my own. I can dance, jump, run, drive and work with my hands when many can't. I have seen many of these myself, back in those days when I roamed the Orthopaedic Wards of PGH. I've got to be contented.

God, thank You for everything. Most of all, thank You for Your unfailing love. I love You.

Here is the story to go with the video (hope it plays):

In a Chinese modern dance competition on TV one very unique couple won one of the top prizes. The lady, in her 30's, was a dancer who had trained since she was a little girl. Later in life, she lost her entire left arm in an accident and fell into a state of depression for a few years.

Someone then asked her to coach a Children's dancing group. From that point on, she realized that she could not forget dancing. She still loved to dance and wanted to dance again. So, she started to do some of her old routines, but, having lost her arm, she had also lost her balance.

It took a while before she could even make simple turns and spins without falling. Then she heard of a man in his 20s who had lost a leg in an accident. He had also fallen into the usual denial, depression and anger type of emotional roller coaster. But, she was determined to find him and persuade him to dance with her. He had never danced, and to dance with one leg....are you joking with me?? "No way!" he said.

But, she didn't give up, and he reluctantly agreed thinking, "I have nothing else to do anyway." She started to teach him dancing. The two broke up a few times because he had no concept of using muscle, how to control his body, and knew none of the basic things about dancing. When she became frustrated and lost patience with him, he would walk out. Eventually, they came back together and started training seriously.

They hired a choreographer to design routines for them. She would fly high (held by him) with both arms (a sleeve for an arm) flying in the air. He could bend horizontally supported by one leg with her leaning on him, etc.

In the competition, as you will see, they dance beautifully ~ and they legitimately won the competition.

TGIF: Feet on necks...

TGIF again! Hehe.

Mission team meeting in school later on... but first I have to try and get some work done.

Going for a movie tonight too. 'Ice Age 3', here we come! :)

To leng lui Lydia, hope you feel better today, sis!:) You are one beautiful woman, kays... Never let anyone make you feel otherwise. Never let the Enemy tell you otherwise!

Word of God that I found absolutely breath-taking this week: Joshua 10:16-25 NIV (will summarize later. Added emphasis in italics mine):

'Now the five kings (enemies) had fled and hidden in the cave at Makkedah. When Joshua was told that the five kings had been found hiding in the cave at Makkedah, he said, "Roll large rocks up to the mouth of the cave, and post some men there to guard it. But don't stop! Pursue your enemies, attack them from the rear and don't let them reach their cities, for the LORD your God has given them into your hand."

So Joshua and the Israelites destroyed them completely—almost to a man—but the few who were left reached their fortified cities. The whole army then returned safely to Joshua in the camp at Makkedah, and no one uttered a word against the Israelites.

Joshua said, "Open the mouth of the cave and bring those five kings out to me." So they brought the five kings out of the cave—the kings of Jerusalem, Hebron, Jarmuth, Lachish and Eglon. When they had brought these kings to Joshua, he summoned all the men of Israel and said to the army commanders who had come with him, "Come here and put your feet on the necks of these kings." So they came forward and placed their feet on their necks.

Joshua said to them, "Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Be strong and courageous. This is what the LORD will do to all the enemies you are going to fight." '

Basically, to summarise the story, the 5 Amorite Kings who had joined forces to attack Gibeon (who had made peace with Joshua and the Israelites) had been delivered into the hands of the Israelites by God's power and wisdom through Joshua. In verse 24, Joshua summons ALL the men of Israel and in their full view, tells his army commanders to put their feet on the necks of the defeated kings. Literally.

The right of putting the feet on the necks of the enemies in the ancient of days was actually right of the KING who had conquered them. But Joshua commanding mere army commanders to put their feet on the necks of their enemies? Giving them kingly authority over their enemies in the name of the Lord? (vs 25) That is surely a powerful fore-telling of Matthew 28:18-20 in the New Testament: "...Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."

We are children of God. Our battles belong to the Lord. We are victorious in Him.

Therefore... to those who are fighting, to those who are struggling, to those who are miserable and defeated, to some of my friends battling eating disorders, etc... What Satan wants is our lives to remain broken, purposeless, timid, useless. He wants us to have no passion, no victory and no joy, thus we give no glory to God! John 10:10 says that he has come to 'steal, kill and destroy'!

But, God's plan = to reverse Satan's plan. Jesus came to give life and an abundant one too...

Don't give glory to the devil. Don't remain in our depressions so that we waste time and are not able to accomplish God's purposes. If you are down in the pit today, do not lose heart! Call out to the Lord. Remember that we are His children - and therefore, raise our battle flags! God's battle flag actually. Remember Psalm 91:13, 'You will tread on the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent.' Press on, steadfastly, keeping close to God. Do not give the devil a chance to tell you to '..fall prostrate that he may walk on you.' (Isaiah 51:23) Trample on his lies, rise up and shut them down with God's unfailing promises.

God will make us more than overcomers in His time.

I love what God said in Isaiah 7:9 - "If you do not stand firm in your faith, you will not stand at all."

OUR GOD REIGNS!

Press on...

It feels like I've been a little trialled (is there even such a word?) lately with different kinds of trials, and the road has had its rough patches.

A week ago, I came across a precious snippet of Dr. Edmund Chan's book that went like this:

'When the going gets tough, do not just simply hang on. Pray and press on.
If you are struggling, do not despair. Press on.
If God seems far away, do not despair. Press on.
If you feel alone, do not despair. Press on.
Do not despair because God knows and understands what you are going through.
Because God sees, only believe.
Because God is near, only believe.
Because God is at work, only believe.
Because God cares, only believe.
God's delay is not His denial. Only believe.
In the most discouraging, despairing, impossible situations, God is mighty at work. Even in the death of a vision, only believe.'

Today, I was in total desperation about something... and I could not help but to cry out to the Lord from the depths of my soul... Sobbed and sobbed in perhaps the deepest anguish I've felt this year, so far. On my knees, on the bed, on the floor, at the dining table, etc... I thought I'd go insane, but thankfully I did not. I just...really couldn't help it.

Anyway, I suddenly felt 2 words impressed upon my heart in the lowest hour - "Only believe." Remembering this little snippet I had copied down into my journal, I quickly read it, and such relief flooded my soul. What a fitting snippet! It seemed to come alive too! Praise God!

Ok, I'm pressing on. To those who've been praying, thanks so much! :)

Monday: Evening

My second post for the day... *Grins sheepishly*

I guess I'm running out of brain juice for my assignment. I've finished 4 out of 5 pages of the first one. I still need to think of a suitable conclusion for it.

Started reading Pastor Edmund Chan's book. It is really good. But I'll try to go through the book slowly, instead of gobbling up its contents like I usually do with the books that land themselves in my hands. This is because I have to finish reading another book for my written assignments - and I am kinda tied for time.

Had a restful, but also fruitful Monday! Quiet time, homework, my house is squeaking clean (I can probably eat off the floor now), and my laundry's all done...

Contructed my annual faith-list today. It's a list of what I am praying and believing God for, especially in the months ahead - and I've found faith-lists to be very helpful for two reasons: One, I remember to pray for the things regularly - and two, I tick off the prayers when they have been answered, which gives me an indescribable sense of joy and reminds me that God is more than able to answer the other prayers too - albeit in His own way. (Things don't always turn out the way I expect them to, but God's knows best how to work with my circumstances).

I also read today a very touching passage from the Bible - the last part of 2 Timothy (chapter 4:16:18), where Paul wrote this: "At my first defense, no one came to my support, but everyone deserted me. May it not be held against them. But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength that through me, the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. And I was delivered from the lion's mouth. The Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and will bring me safely to His heavenly kingdom. To Him be the glory forever and ever. Amen."

How gracious Paul was to pardon those who deserted him. (Even some of his fellow believers) "May it not be held against them..." I believe it was the strength that fruited from the joy and peace he had in the Lord to deliver him, which enabled him to endure and forgive. It was perhaps also the reflection upon the Lord's kindness when Paul encountered Him on the road to Damascus years ago and His mercy that brought him to repentance, that had led him to recoil from his hurts. Why do we find it so difficult to forgive others when they hurt us (intentionally or non-intentionally)? Why do we hold on so tightly to our right to be angry that we forfeit the peace that could be ours when we give it up to the Lord? Yes, it is normal to feel betrayed and hurt when people wrong us, but must we let these evolve into the kind of bitterness that transforms us into hardened, cynical and revengeful beings?

Let us remember the words of Christ, who cried out to the Father for our sakes, "Father, forgive them for they do not know what they are doing..." and was crucified for our sins. If anyone had the right to be angry, it was God. But what a portrait of forgiveness and compassionate love! Can we say of the sins of others that naught can wash them away when Jesus did come to die for the world?

Brothers and sisters, we can all afford to love and forgive, as Christ first loved us. Give up your hurts to Him, who comforts and encourages.

I haven't begun on my Cantonese-testimony yet:P I'll get to it after the Korean Praise concert this Saturday. Too much work on hand.

Just consumed a cup of hot chocolate and a packet of Iko biscuits. Time for bed. Goodnight folks!!!

A string of shiny pearls...

I am sick. :( And the exams have not been postponed - don't think they would be anyway (haha)... So pray for me please.

My brain is too exhausted with the fever. But I'd like to share something that truly blessed me today. On the way back from school, I drove past a quiet, peaceful cemetery - and what did I see in there?

*Drumroll*....

A whole herd (is that the right penjodoh bilangan?) of cows having a party of a time grazing away! Hehe. How contented they look! A few of them basked in the evening sun, oblivious to the cars swooshing past the cemetery. I saw that and remembered that the Lord provides for those who belong to Him. Reminds me of my favourite psalm, no. 23 - "The Lord is my Shepherd and I shall not be in want... He makes me lie down in green pastures..." - although those I saw were not sheep, and the pastures looked anything but pastures! :D

Aunty May Ling sent me a love-gift today, which I absolutely treasure from the depths of my heart. While it has yet to reach me, I want to say thank you very much!:)

Recently God has been speaking to me very personally about something - through the words of my Korean lecturer, through the Word, and through a few people. Challenging me to give up something to Him. Weaning me. Stretching my faith. Arranging circumstances so that I would come to a crisis of belief...

Do we love our gifts more than our Giver?

Don't think I will share about what happened, right now. Perhaps someday.

This is nothing to be proud of... I was very doubtful in the beginning, skeptical about things, and truly reluctant to 'put my Isaac on the altar'... but I'd like to thank God that He gave me His grace to do what He had called me to do.

This week, tinged with a little doubt and a great fear of the unknown, I decided to give up the something - and trust Him. Asked Him for another confirmation that it was His will that I do it (a specific confirmation this time) - and that very night, He ushered it in. A string of genuine, shiny pearls, so to speak. (And yeah, this is figurative, btw).

My heart is swelling with thankfulness. In awe of His faithfulness, and rather glad that I did not refuse the Lord what He had asked. (That comes with a little shame and guilt of having doubted Him!)

I know this is random. But we all remember the story of the little boy with 5 fishes and 2 loaves of bread - who gave them up willingly to the Lord. He used it to bless others... but I always believe, He had truly wanted to bless the little boy. I mean, Jesus was never surprised at anything that came up. He knew the multitudes that followed him would be hungry (spiritually and physiologically). He knew that His disciples would be at a loss of what to do in that time of great need. He knew that the little boy would come up, with 5 fishes and 2 loaves of bread. He knew that one of His disciples would spot the boy and present him to the Lord. He knew that the little boy, faced with the challenge to give up his picnic basket, could choose to give away everything he had - bless and be blessed himself.

Is God challenging anyone of us today to give up what we hold close to our hearts - to Him? He wants to bless. In a way exceedingly and abundantly more than we could have ever asked or imagined. He never shortchanges our faith.

In the very words of our Korean lecturer - "God is our portion!"

Aunty May Ling, thank you again for giving. I promise to use the gift as it should be used. Will write to you again, once I'm done with my exams...or when I've received it.

Back in KL!

A quick blog update before I go to bed...

I'm back in KL.. It was a smooth journey indeed. I didn't have any seat-partner issues like the last trip back home - umm, like... me head-butting my seat-partner while my head lolled around in my sleep, seat-partner with hair-raising, goose-bumps inducing BO and occupying quarter of my seat along with his own seat, etc. My seat-partner this time was a nice middle-aged gentleman who drew the curtains to shade my face from the sun when I fell asleep (with my mouth open and my face sun-bathed... now checking to see if I have a tongue tan too!)... and I did not head-butt him either - thus saving me from alot of embarrassment. Feeling extra thankful that Pig, LM and Ben so kindly had lunch with me before I left Penang:) Love you guys! After lunch, Ben dropped me off at the bus station. 

Had dinner with dad and Zoey after Z was done with her work. We ate a Gao Zhou restaurant, which dad proudly brought us to. You see, dad's roots are from Gao Zhou (south China, in between Macao and Guang Zhou - the people there speak Cantonese with a unique slang)  - found the food sooooooo yummy! Reminds me alot of the food that we eat during Chinese New Year, when we visit the relatives on dad's side. Zoey commented, "How come I have Gao (tall) Zhou roots, but I am not tall?" :P 

Haha..

Yesterday, Ben sang this song which got me tearing... *Sniffff*

In Christ alone, I place my trust,

And find my glory in the power of the cross

In every victory, let it be said of me...

My source of strength, my source of hope,

is Christ alone.

Starting school this coming Monday. God is providing me so much more than I have ever imagined. Through the beautiful little blessings that are coming my way from random friends. The partial sponsorship Trinity is kindly supporting me with will be sufficient. Whatever I have now, I believe God would stretch in the coming months and provide me more along the way. Indeed, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Phil 4:13) Lord, thank You. 

Another blessing came my way today - dad's sponsoring my plane tickets for the August mission trip to Sandakan. *Very touched* Don't know what I will be doing with the youth ministry there, but I'm believing God for a good time of learning, witnessing His goodness and impacting the community there in a way that pleases Him. 

Enlarge the place of your tent!

Today's challenge was seared upon my heart by Isaiah 54:2-3

"Enlarge the place of your tent,
stretch your tent curtains wide;
do not hold back.
Lengthen your cords,
strengthen your stakes.
For you will spread out to the right and to the left;
your descendants will dispossess nations
and settle in their desolate cities."

This was God's Word of preparation to the Israelites in their Babylonian exile and captivity thousands of years ago, with a promise to break the curse and shame of their barrenness and disobedience.

The Word imparts such a glorious vision! I believe God spoke it with the same gravity and urgency as that of when He said to Abram, "Go from your country, your people, and your father's household to the land I will show you.. and I will make you into a great nation...." (Genesis 12:1-2)

Just do it! Don't hold back. This is where I begin!

Today, Isaiah 54:2-3 spoke personally to me. My dad used to tell me how my mum was such a very careful person. Over-careful sometimes. I guess I inherited that trait! My boyfriend gently told me the exact same thing not too long ago! *Sheepish grin*

I'm not a very adventurous person by nature (told you guys how I climbed the rocks at Stella Maris' beach like a robot, while Ben jumped from rock to rock as easily as a frisky mountain goat -didn't I?:P), I take ages to make a decision, I can get terribly fickle-minded about things coz I'm afraid of making wrong choices and failing, I hate making mistakes and bearing the losses they may bring, I give up very quickly when I don't get all my ducks in a row (*Quack!!*), and it takes quite some time for me to let go of my fears and take risks. I tend to stick to things that have been proven to work (including regimes, methods, etc, etc), do not adapt well to sudden changes (makes me cranky) and I never fail to plan.

In short, I'm a control freak in many ways (not to mention a perfectionist too!)...although God has been working to transform me in that. Nowadays, while I still climb the rocks like a robot, I find that I'm able to take the initiative more often - especially in ministry, relax more when things don't go my way, not give up so easily and take more calculated risks. Indeed God's work in me has liberated me to be more creative, bolder and to respond more positively to challenges. In the past few years especially, how my faith has stretched!

There's been a burden on my heart to take up a few challenges lately - but I keep getting thrown off-track and procrastinating. Partially because I do not know where to start. Partially because I do not know if it is worthwhile to start. Partially because I lack faith - I keep thinking of money constraints, time constraints, etc, etc. And partially because I'm terrified of not being able to keep up with the thing I've begun. So today, when I read this Word, I suddenly realized that I had the peace in my heart to begin 'enlarging the place of my tent, stretching my tent curtains wide, lengthening cords, and strengthening my stakes'. Well, God didn't say that I am to work on 'spreading out to the right and to the left'! I just need to enlarge the place of my tent - and He would work on the rest in His time.

Friends, is there something God has laid upon your hearts to do for Him? Has He given you a vision of something you could have never dreamed of (not even in your wildest dreams)? Start taking the first step today.

Of today and April...

Today's not a very good day for some people I know... but I earnestly pray that the Lord would help them undo the knots in their ropes and give them the strength to trust Him to make all things work together for good.

I've been feeling very bogged down myself for the past month or so. (Past months or so to be more accurate). April's been a difficult one so far. It has made me dread waking up in the morning sometimes. I am detesting how unmotivated I can get at work (yes, I do!). I'm tired of hearing the word 'Care' for this moment in time. In fact, sometimes, I find CMC such a redundant post. What a misleading label to a person:P Sorry for being over-frank here - but I've been approached by various people asking me if I'm in charge of all the care-groups... and if I'm Care Min Cood because I look after the care-takers (which I do in a way, but that's not the point!) - I've been in alot of confusion.

I mean, there are so many ministries in church catered to look out for for its members, care for them and meet their needs - and they can do it the way they want, as long as they engage in it with gusto, according to God's will. Why would they need someone to co-ordinate their activities or even their visitation programmes? Such intrusion on my part - as I'm not even part of any of those ministries. Any coordination/liaising between those particular ministries and their visitation activities should be a joint pro-active initiative of the ministry leaders la. All the vague calibrations of my job scope make it so tough to focus on what I should be focusing on. I've been told to visit our homebound people, which I've been doing for months on end - and all this while I've been wondering why would a co-ordinator need to do what she is supposed to co-ordinate?:P It's daunting! Imagine this... our brain co-ordinates our arms and legs when we walk. As a result, they move according to organized sequences - right arm swings up as left leg steps forward sort of thing. But the brain isn't supposed to be doing the walking! It's the legs and arms that 'propel' the body forward.

Also, what is considered 'Ad hoc' and where do you draw the line? Or can I even draw a line?:P

Ok, perhaps I'm going to regret putting up this post someday. I apologize if I offend anyone.

But assuredly, I do love Trinity.

There's been so many lessons of patience and waiting to learn, and many more wounds of love. Really, it has taken alot of God's grace to keep me from falling into the abominable trap of self-pity.

I guess the best thing one can do when faced with a mountain is not to keep avoiding it - but to scale it by faith.

Who knows? When he conquers its peaks, would it not give him the pure delight of a tasting and seeing a whole new world over the other side of the mount? Would he not go over to the other side filled with expectant excitement of beholding a new village and a land of blessed new beginnings?

But who will give him the courage to first start climbing?

Who will spur him onwards with the assuring hope of seeing a new village and land beyond its snow-capped peaks?

Who will cheer him on in his climb up the unknown heights? Hurrah every challenge overcome and don't-give-up whenever he bites the dust? Be who Tenzing Norgay was to Edmund Hillary?

It has been a month of learning to appreciate my friends more. Thank God. I've got really neat friends, I must say. And I'd like to learn to be to them - a good and faithful friend, as each of them has been to me. I don't think I have been enough. There are still many precious lessons to be learnt, abit from everybody - how to love unselfishly and give generously. How to be kind, thoughtful and understanding. Guys, keep teaching me please.

I also want to be stronger. To not get depressed so easily. To only shed tears when I've reached the pinnacle of my struggles. To have steadfast peace and joy in my heart at all times, to carry me through every fury and storm. To be a woman of substance, filled with the boldness to pursue the things of God rather than be convinced to bend to fit into the little box the world tells me to fit in. To embrace the very essence of living for Him, even if it means having to go through what the world tells me to avoid. To have unyielding faith stronger than steel that withstands the test of time. Which endures to the very end.

How do I get there from here?

Oh well, at least I've taken my first few baby steps. Laura jie often reminds me that we don't actually need to try so hard to be strong. More importantly, we need to be humble enough to run to God when we're weak. Been spending a little more time in His Word lately - and it's been dearly refreshing. (And humbling too)

A battle is won or lost before it is fought. In the case of our trials, we've got to go forth first on our knees. When God goes with someone, there will never be defeat.

Be delivered, my friends.

What faith rests upon...

The thing about memory verses sometimes... Sure they help us know and remember the promises of God by heart. Intelligent directions. But it doesn't really help our faith to know the promises of God by heart, unless our faith rests on His very being. His character, His attributes, His perfections and His faithfulness.

One can sadly be a top Bible-scholar without being a true Christian at heart! I've known of at least one.

Faith cannot just rest on the promises alone. Anyone can make promises for that matter! But not everyone keeps the promises he/she made.

Our Christian faith must thus rest on the One who made the promises. One who does not lie. Take His own breathed Word for example - the Bible, is a book of truth. It hides no facts. It hides no penalties. God tells us David was a man after His own heart but He also tells of how he fell and committed adultery. Peter was His chosen apostle but he cursed, swore and said, "I never knew Him." God tells us about eternal life in Christ but He doesn't hide the troubles, hardships and persecutions we would go through as long as we bear our Christian identity. We've got to buy the crown with blood, sweat and tears. Such an honest Book of Life. We've got to absolutely read it for ourselves and let His Word come alive to us! It's no use to merely live on borrowed faith based on even the words we hear from the preacher's pulpit!

OK, perhaps I digressed a little bit there.

Anyway back to the subject of memory verses - I think, before we memorize verses and learn them so that His promises seep into every fibre of our beings, we've got to know God for who He really is. Then we can tap on His promises at any moment, confidently and fully counting on the merits of His Son, upon which we depend. I mean, what is the point of holding on the promises of someone that you don't really know? If that is the case, it would be truly difficult to trust and hope.