Spending time alone...

Fried brain...

I've got loads on my mind recently...

Assignment deadlines, my trip to Singapore this weekend, ministry, my relationship and wedding prep, money concerns, friends, etc...

Regarding my assignments, they have been involving a lot of brain work - thinking, wrestling with conflicting ideas (thanks to our theology III classes), coming up with new ideas, connecting words and trying to goreng. So blogging has been taking the backseat in my daily routines...especially this week.

Anyway... let's see... something random.....

Ah, today, something reminded me of the time when Ben and I had just begun our courtship. I remembered how God helped us through all the difficulties and toughest moments, answered our prayers and came to our rescue whenever we thought we'd never get through the bitter 'winters'... My heart swelled with thankfulness.

And then I suddenly missed Ben so badly... even while I was at school.

But I missed God more.

I need more time. I need to get my work done faster... so I can spend more time in the Word as well as reading and writing.

God, please make my brain work faster... and help me not to be a perfectionist.

just a little reflection...

I like Poland. A lot. I only wish I could stay longer, learn Polish properly... and reach out to the people more effectively. But, I will be leaving Poland in a week's time. Maybe I will come back some day. Maybe not. If God wills...

So far I've picked up some Polish words. Enough for me to buy meds at the pharmacy (and shop). Hehe... OK, and at least I can greet a Polish person properly... and say I want to eat and sleep (sorry I have to sound so piggy...) I've got good Polish friends... and one of them thinks I grew up in Ireland... because I supposedly have an Irish accent to my English.

I don't think the Irish use "la"s and "ma"s in their English though...

It has been a trying time the past two weeks...for the team. Thank God, things are coming to a good close now.

Truly appreciate Ben for calling me almost everyday from Malaysia... Kept me sane, he did.

In Elblag...

A pretty German town... World War II began less than 100km away from here...

Ministry here starts tomorrow... *excited for once*

Some pictures from last week's ministry....Jesus MarchUs and our tracts....

One of the places we had to sleepover...for a few nights... with just one bathroom for everyone...

We slept in the basketball court/school gym.

This was breakfast in the morning...Worship with Polish bro's and sis's....

Ate some wacky food in the weekend though... this pizza slice was gigantic... it was actually about the size of my face.

Camped a few nights in the pc room of another school....

This is Jacek...a trumpet student...and an amazing jazz pianist who I got to know in the south.

And the Polish brother, who taught me many new Polish words...I don't know how to spell his name, and I better not try :P

Jocelyn, who was also in the Jesus March with us...

I miss Zhu Yan and Ruth who left after the first week at the Warsaw Baptist Seminary... yes, already.

Pic above from left to right: Zhu Yan, me, Ruth (and her French-horn), Fung Hain

...and I miss Ben Wong very much.

Another Monday is gone...

Ah... peace. Sitting in one of the lecture rooms of WBST... prepared to do some thinking, some work... and just chill before bed.

Ben's phone-call (although he got cut off after 6 golden, glorious minutes) certainly brought a smile to my face and warmth to the heart in today's cold. Yes... the temperature flipped 15 degrees down the scale... in just one night. It is nice and cold today... although it was chilly in the morning.

Missions work start this Thursday in the south of Poland... so I need to spend more time with God these few days...

OK, back to work and worship preparation for tomorrow.

Thursday

Guess what? Tomorrow's Friday!

Duh... :P

Yet another night's sleep closer to this:

Hehe... Reunion. But before that, he said that I have to do God's work first.

It was a very hot day in Warsaw today. I felt like I was back in Malaysia already. Now, I am hoping for some rain tonight. Besides all that, I am really glad to be in Poland. Michael, the organizer, shared with us a testimony of the many difficulties he had faced putting the whole program together... and how he had intended to postpone the missions camp to next year - but somehow God made everything finally fall into place! Amazing. I am thankful myself, that it wasn't postponed. It has been indeed a very enriching experience coming here - learning from one another as well as from our lecturers, encountering a different country and culture, moving out of my comfort zones and serving God with brothers and sisters in Christ whom I've never met before (but will meet up in Heaven for sure... even if not now, then in the future). I can only look forward to more.

Today, I re-read the story of Moses and the Burning Bush in Exodus 3:1-9, preceding God's call to Moses to bring the sons of Israel out of Egypt. What struck me was not the burning bush (I mean I've read this story quite a few times already) but verses 3-4.

'So Moses said, "I must turn aside now, and see this marvelous sight, why the bush is not burned up." When the LORD saw that he turned aside to look, God called to him from the midst of the bush...'

I don't know about you - but those 2 verses brought me much comfort. How God had the attention of Moses, even though the burning-bush probably had nothing to do with the calling. Why use a bush? We are not sure why... but the burning and yet unconsumed bush certainly caught Moses off-guard. It was out of the ordinary. And when God was sure that Moses was looking, He called him.

I am in a season of re-discovering the call of God upon my life.

The last time I searched, it was 6 years ago. 6 years later, I wouldn't say that my vision has changed that drastically. I still am pretty passionate about what I was passionate about 6 years back. However, these 6 years have done a lot for me and to me...I've been stretched, bruised, knocked down... and yet, picked up, nourished, nurtured and encouraged in many ways. Therefore, I feel like I need to recapture or refine the vision. This time, things should be clearer than before - what with the developments that have taken place in my life so far - I just need to know how they connect to the big picture - and how to get there from here. At least, I know that I am getting married soon.

Dr. Sunny says... the relationships in our lives alter our initial plans and directions... and God often puts us in strategic relationships (of course this includes family, friends and acquaintances), so that we don't run onto the wrong roads. Dr. S is right. Things would have been a lot different if I were single today. Not that being single is wrong - but for me, I can see now why I work better married...

I need some sort of burning bush experience... and then I need God to speak... and tell us to go or stay.

Poland

The internet connection has been pretty slow at the Warsaw Baptist Theological Seminary...coz my school is in the forest... full of tall, tall trees..

But I am alive and kicking... They are feeding us pretty well too... So I think I am more than alive. Haha! In a sense. Lots of fresh air and time with God too.

So far, it's been classes and classes... and preparing for worship.

I am missing Ben more than ever...coz our communication lines are even worse now that I am in a different country. Boo hoo. And the time-zones are confusing me even more...

I miss YOU.

5 more weeks... Why is time passing so slowly?

Saturday

Had an awesome morning going with a younger sis-in-Christ, Ee Ling. We went to Austin Chase cafe in Queensbay Mall... I was not too impressed with the food (but to be fair, this was only my first time here) ... but I did have a great time catching-up with Ee Ling, who's just passed her med-and-surg exam finals with flying colours (congrats, dear... and yes, PRAISE GOD!!!)... A meaningful date. Such a comfort to talk to my dear sisters. God has been good and gracious to me indeed. If it weren't for them, I would.. I would have 'perished' in my own struggles, woes, fears, low self-image and insecurities.

More and more "goodbyes" to be said... and farewells to be bade. What a season... Perhaps - just perhaps, I am being weaned myself... for a whole new chapter in my book of life... when I shall start of afresh... in a new place, in a new community of believers, in a new work, etc...

God, if it is Your will...... please provide. We can depend on no one... but You.

I went to the hair-saloon for a trim in the afternoon... and then had dinner with Janet, William, Sau Chan and Xu Wen... before we watched Toys Story 3 at Queensbay. I did enjoy the movie... although we had to spend some time lepak-ing in between dinner and the movie :P - during which, nobody had any idea what to do and where to go in the mall...

Talking about movies... we do know of some friends who have not gone to the cinema their entire lives! One of them is - an elderly aunty in church... When she told us that she's never stepped into a cinema before, Ben decided that he would pull her leg... so he said, "It's a good thing that you didn't! Don't ever go. You would have to stand throughout the entire movie!!!" Our aunty-friend looked quite horrified... you should have seen us laughing like mad when we heard her answer... "Really arr?" @_@ So, so naughty. Later of course, Ben confessed... or did I say, "NOLAR!" ??? I can't remember already.

I miss Ben so much. This is my 3rd weekend without him.

That's today. I realize recently that my thoughts are harder and harder to express in words... sometimes, they aren't even thoughts... but feelings deep down inside, too intricate to be simplified and expressed by one word - "emo". They only straighten out when I talk to God - in simple words and sentences...and cry a little. Yet, it is so hard for me to put them into words here on my blog - and I won't attempt to do so :) Let them be just between me and my Father in Heaven who loves me so.

Friday night

Had a good dinner outing with a very dear and beautiful sister, Rachel, which really put a smile on my face. (She also unintentionally did some pretty funny things which made me laugh...) ~

Returned back home for a good 20-30 mins of Skype session with my beloved in the States...

Then... I continued chatting with my lil's sister, Zoey...

After that, I was too zonked out to do anything or feel anything... so I went to bed.

In conclusion, my Friday night was OK after all. Not as bad as I initially thought it would be.

Emo-fied...

The blog title says it all.

Ouhhhhhhhhh.... So sien... Piang eh.... thank God tonight it's Rachel Chan to the rescue! >_<

I don't know how to go through the weekend like that... I was OK before Ben came into my life. I was happy during my single-hood. I'd spend weekends on my own, doing my own thing, studying for exams, etc, etc. Sometimes I'd hang out with my friends. But for the last 2 years, Ben and I seldom spent weekends apart...whether it's breakfast dates, preparing for CG or church stuff on Saturday evenings, going to church, having dinner, etc. Now that this is going to be our 2nd weekend apart, I am having 'withdrawal symptoms'...It's honestly very difficult to try and reenact how I spent my weekends in the past - now that I am no longer single. And to think that I have many, many more of such weekends to 'look forward' to. *gulp* Really, really, really miss him... My life seems so quiet all of a sudden. I am not used to it.

But oh well, God is never far away... At least that's the comfort I have. The only constant in my life.

Even if my world turns upside down,
I know that my God will be the right way round...

Anyway, to make myself a little happier...let me share something totally random.

Today, Dr. S (our academic dean) saw me lepak-ing around the office during lunch hour... and he asked me, "So, have you changed directions yet?"

At first, I didn't understand what he was talking about. So I cautiously said, "Not yet. Perhaps..." and he grinned... I don't think he was referring to the question he threw at me yesterday.

Having given it some thought, I now realize that he meant to ask me, "Are you getting married yet?" @_@ (I think he's so clever....and yes, I am kinda slow...)

Dr. S once asked his spiritual formation class students to describe how our relationships have directed our lives...

I shared that day...that having a boyfriend has thrown me off course and changed my life direction completely. I always knew (since 2nd med) that I would someday leave the medical field for the vocation God was calling me to. However, I did not originally intend to come to MBTS in Penang. I was trying to apply to get into STM (another Christian seminary in Seremban), till the final 6 months of medical school...when I found out that Ben liked me. *gulp* Or rather, we liked one another... and there was no way of turning around somehow... When we went into courtship, I quite sadly gave up my dream (back then) to enter STM... I didn't quite like the idea of going to MBTS... but if I was to stay in Penang and get married here, I knew that I had no choice. When Pst. Jeya confirmed that I should attend seminary and get my M.Div, I just knew that God wanted me in MBTS (even though it didn't offer the courses I had wanted to take)... and here I am.

However, I now believe that this change of direction was God's will. He later revealed to me why it was much better for me to be here rather than in STM (although I have no doubt that it's a good seminary) - which I won't share here. I have no regrets coming here at all! I really love the friends I made here too. But it is so true. God uses relationships to direct our lives, because He made us relational beings... and His will is perfect.

Of course, Dr. S being Dr. S had to tease me that day, "So if you get married and if you both leave Penang, does it mean that you will leave MBTS too?"

Week 1 of my 'engaged' life...

Quite a challenging week I must say...

It happens to be week 1 of school, week 1 of wrestling through my assignments due this few months and week 1 of Ben-in-the-States. I am sure glad that I am still coping OK... even it tends to be a little lonely around the weekends. (I am also not sure how my CG-leading will go this Saturday - coz I am replacing Ben.) I am always excited for our Skype sessions even though the connection in my house is bad half of the time...the speakers sometimes make his voice sound raspy and his breathing sound like Darth Vader from the Star Wars... =S *scary*

We try to limit the phone-calls... because while they are luxurious (and we can talk to one another properly without saying, "Huh? Pardon?" all the time), they cost a bomb. The other day I called him in his hotel room, and we chatted for a good half-an-hour before he went to work. Today, he gave me a pleasant surprise... I received a call from him while I was doing my community duty in school. Short one, but nevertheless precious. I miss you, dear!

Praise God for all joy, grace and strength.

To my lil' sister, thank you, Zoey... for keeping me company (on Skype-chat) sometimes, when I am oh, so lonely. I look forward to our short sisters-trip in August to one 'Enid Blyton' place when I meet you in England!

We've started discussing on wedding preps. Nothing has been firmed down yet... So please do keep us in prayer.

Tuesday thoughts...

Due to time-zone differences, Ben and I haven't been able to Skype too much.... (both of us are kinda sad). Felt a little blue after school... so I came home, had coffee and cooked myself a pot of comfort food - which I haven't cooked in a long while (since my St. Patrick's Court days) ~ Creamy mushroom + chicken...with some sprouts. A little unconventional - but it turned out well, nevertheless... Gonna dump it on pasta later, piping hot... and top it off with cheese.

It's not as watery as it looks in the picture... not too thick or creamy so that it doesn't cake-up into something gross when I refrigerate the remains tonight... and it's got loads and loads of onions and mushrooms in it along with all the herbs and spices... I've got enough to last me at least 3 meals.

It tastes heavenly and I must say that I am indeed looking forward to dinner tonight!!!

And yeah, I finally got myself an IDD calling card....so I can give Ben a phone-call him when he wakes up in the morning (on his side)... and phone Zoey too.

Completed my Exodus paper last night. Finally, finally... Can't believe how much time I spent on the wilderness of Sinai, Red Sea and Pharaohs! @_@ But I think doing this paper has made me appreciate the power of God even more... and has strengthened my conviction of the historicity of the Exodus event.

Day 1 of my 'engaged' life...

He flew off to the States! :( ~ I praise God that I came back from KL just in time to personally send him off... We also prayed together before he left.

I'm really gonna miss him...Let's hope these 2 months fly past (for me at least), what with all the intensive studying and assignments galore coming up...

*Boohoohoohoo....*

It's really weird to think that court-ship is over....and that we are progressing further toward marriage...

It's really so weird to think of Ben as my fiancé...

It's really so weird to think of myself as his fiancée... Or rather he called me that today... and I grinned. Lydia says that I only have a year to have this 'status'... so I've gotta treasure its 'glam'. Hehe...

I am also not used to wearing a ring...

I am paiseh to wear it in front of Ben's family, my friends... and I'll be paiseh wearing it to school. I still have a phobia of someone chopping my finger off for the ring... so I try not to wear it to dodgy places. Because I am afraid of losing it (I am absent-minded) and because I truly appreciate all Ben's efforts in looking for a nice ring, selecting it, buying it and presenting it to me as a token of his love, I'd rather wear it on my finger all the time, instead of stowing it away...or just wearing it out to functions... (It reminds me of him too) And since I am now keeping it on my finger - I have scratched myself a few times with it. LOL. I also scratched Ben when he tried to hold my hand today. I just hope that I'll keep from scratching my face in my sleep! ~_~

I need to learn to care for my engagement ring. I am paranoid that I might bump it on something...so hard...that the diamond falls out of its setting. @_@'

Apart from all that, we are as always... Ben and Grace.