Stressed....

I am psychologically and emotionally stressed.

My assignments are all piling up, deadlines are upcoming... and gosh, I seem to have so many appointments each weekend. My weight is fluctuating thanks to weird hormonal reactions and resulting water retention bloats. I have been bugged by flatulence and allergic conjunctivitis. Also, my expenses this month are sky-rocketing for various reasons. (Dunno why all my creams must choose to finish in May...Sigh... bad timing.)

Lumped together, it just looks and feels like one massive undifferentiated, localized tumor - on my blog-post. Bleargggh... ;P I so can't wait for my holiday in May - and honeymoon vacation with my hubby! :)

On top of all these - wedding preparations have to go on. Ben and I took advantage of the Jaya Jusco Member Fiesta over the past weekend, and bought our marriage beddings (pillows, duvet, covers, etc.) at greatly reduced prices! Thank God for the provisions. Saw Pastor Woo on Sunday to talk about the Wedding bulletins. It was a good chat actually - which extended to our callings and vocations. Ben and mine. Pastor Woo prayed for us at the end of our long conversation.

Anyway, we watched the animation, Rio, on Saturday night. It was so funny. I'd highly recommend that movie as a stress-buster!

A praise report, amidst the stressful overtone of this blog-post: one of my prayers (for a friend) was answered on Saturday. What a miracle it was. Thank You, God!

Psalm 131...

...was preached in chapel service today. How timely! Stung my pride a little, it did... but nevertheless, it was good.

I'm all floundering neck-deep in assignments. Yet again. *Sighs*

I realize I have been trying to juggle too many things at one go. Gosh, we haven't even settled our honeymoon destination. And there are still so many things to do - approaching the wedding, amidst the impending deadlines!

Thursday

One and half months to the end of our term - and I am busy freaking out on top of having to complete all my assignments, because I haven't gotten all my credits. And then I will have to settle with Dr. Matahari, how I am to organize my courses for the next terms - if I am to graduate this year. (Yes, I've got lecturer/pastor/academic dean phobias still! *shivers in my bedroom slippers*)

While I am still very unsure of what the plans are after I am married, whether we will remain in Penang or not (still waiting on God to give us a definite answer), and if we do leave, whether we will come back that soon etc... I know for sure that I need to graduate this year - because I am uncertain of what lies beyond 2011. Plus, I really do not want those who have been voluntarily funding my studies to worry about me anymore. Neither do I want to burden Ben with my school fees when we've got to attend to so many readjustments to do in the coming months - as a newly married couple.

Can you understand my worries now? :)

Please pray for us.

Honeymoon

Intrigued by my fellow seminarians' urgings, I decided to check out some potential honeymoon places online.

Sigh. Maybe it was my spectacles... :P But everything either looked expensive or dangerous - despite the wonderful ambience. Dangerous, because I am now tsunami/earthquake phobic... Dang. >.<'

How?

Gosh, I am not even sure of our budget. Hm, may God provide a way.

Friday...

Beginning of busy weekend. And school reopens in a few days time.

One week of break is not enough! I haven't even completed one assignment. My problem is... I am a perfectionist. I tried to break out of that, but it has not succeeded yet, because I can hardly bear not to develop every bit of detail to its fullest. And yes, I am nearly always unsatisfied with my work somehow. There is always room for improvement. Sigh... I don't know. It's got to be a journey of undoing and unlearning. Gotta manage my time better too. And stop, stop, stop... for goodness sake... eating my fingers raw!!! :S

Bad habits.

Anyway... I had an early dinner with Nellie at Station One cafe yesterday evening. The food was so-so. (According to Ben, the Malaysian dishes are nicer than Western) In fact, I thought the pizza's base tasted too biscuity. We yakked for 2.5 hours. After dinner, I went out with Ben pula... We had really nice taufu-fah at Taman Pekaka. And then because I was peckish, I broke open a pack of potato chips back home and feasted on them, whilst watching Burlesque. I liked it, even though it was a little raunchy (that's solely my opinion lah!) - because of its artistic bent. (And I've always admired Christian Aguilera for her powerful voice somehow.)

Hm, gotta go answer some emails...and then go back to my Christian Ethics assignments. Rawwrrrr!!!!!

Frus...

Today, I decided to take a break from Ethics. Checked out a few cleaning services, and finally settled on one for my apartment. That part was OK.

Then someone totally annoyed me, hurt my feelings and made me like kera kena belacan. That part wasn't so OK. Grrrrr.... *Shows part of fangs* I am in great need to forgive.

Having dinner with Nellie today. That's definitely a highlight to look forward to.

Wednesday sob-stories...

And the season of Lent begins today. Ash Wednesday.

Been struggling quite a bit with my sermon plans for Joshua 3 and 9. It's been challenging to sleep past 2am for the past few nights - and wake up by 6.30am to get ready for school. Yesterday afternoon, I even fell asleep while drinking Expresso. *Glassy eyed* I went straight to sleep and did not wake up till 2 hours later.

Coincidentally, I misplaced my engagement ring yesterday, while cleaning my room. I still haven't found it, so I am very depressed. *Sobs* Ben comforted me and kept saying that it's OK... but it holds so much sentimental value to me that the thought of it lying alone somewhere (or worse still if it fell down the toilet bowl/into the dustbin) makes me want to bawl.

Oh well... I was momentarily distracted, but I really needed to get back to my sermons today, so I am trying not thinking of my ring. God please help me to stumble upon it quickly... coz I don't think I can bear throwing out my trash till I find it - just in case it has fallen into my dustbin!

Wednesday

Burned quite a bit of midnight oil last night. I feel bad about it, but I couldn't help it, what with a dateline coming up fast! I do not want to even imagine what the late night did to my eye-bags. My sister warned me that I would have to depend on the powderfool power of concealers next week when I go for my pre-wedding photoshoot #2. I have to sadly accept the fact that she may be true....

I asked myself at 6.30am this morning, while taking a hasty shower: "When do I ever NOT snooze my alarm clock and wake up later than intended?"

Racked my brain upside-down to recall...and still couldn't think of a time when I did not abuse the snooze-button on my phone. Exams could be just a few hours away for all I cared... and my beauty sleep would still matter more. Unless adrenaline courses through my veins (like back in high-school when I was extremely kiasu about my studies and woke up at 5am every morning to do add-maths) or I am extremely unprepared to sit for a major exam, snoozing my alarm clock is my daily ritual. Sometimes I snooze and then dream that I have gotten up, showered and eaten my breakfast. Imagine my exasperation when I try to start my car engine and realize that I am in an unusually horizontal position to drive my car.

What an ideal way to start my day.... NOT!!! :(

Of course there is an exception. I sometimes jump out of bed in the morning, thinking that my alarm clock had rung and I had snoozed it till it could ring no more... and fearing that I would be late for school, I'd shower in a hurry, get dressed... and then just when I am about to go out... my eyes (unblurry after the adrenaline rush) would catch sight of the clock on the wall... and groan. I have woken up as early as 2.30am before. Needless to say, I would go back to sleep, fully-dressed and snooze again the next morning... :P

In the past, my guilty conscience has led me time and time again to bargain... Maybe, I find it difficult to wake up in the morning (or after a nap) because I lack sleep. While this is partially true, it is still not totally relevant. I am known to snooze my alarm clock even in the holidays. It is becoming, much to my horror, a terribly bad habit. O God, grant me the grace to be disciplined! Erm, does anybody know how long it takes to unlearn a bad habit formed over the past 7 years?

Think I'll wait till I am married... and then I will give permission to my husband to splash cold water in my face every morning. Thus saith the night-owl.

A rave/rant...

Today... I have come to a conclusion about the dark circles around my eyes.

I've had 'em since I was a kid. My mum used to see the dark circles as an indication whether I've had enough zzz or not. Imagine her chagrin when they never disappeared regardless of how much sleep I had. Today, the dark circles continue to haunt and vex me.

I think, on top of the common causes (lifestyle-related etiology, pathogenesis and all), I am just too fair. Recently, my sister pointed out that the skin on my forehead is turning transparent... :P You can even see tiny dark splotches near my hair-line when the tiny capillaries burst in my skin. Now, the skin around our eyes are already thin and delicate enough. My skin is very fair and transparent. So the dark circles would show up even more dramatically, wouldn't they?

This is just my hypothesis of course. It is not scientifically proven or EBM. So please don't quote me on it! :P

Wants to swim...

Hawwwtttttt!

I meant the weather of course.

I've got a Christian Ethics presentation to do on Friday... a biblical interpretation project to complete this week... and my conflict dynamics weekly reflection. So I won't be blogging so consistently for the next few days... although I may drop in a note or two.

Dinner with Ben... followed by EFCC/MLM at church tonight.

Tuesday. Freiheit!

I'm done with ALL assignments for the year. *So happy* (I only hope I did the essays the way they were supposed to be done. I was so impatient to get over my final essay that I was kinda rushing over it already....)

Incidentally, my PMS ended today. Ah, the relief. In a week's time I will be de-bloated! Heh...

Tomorrow, I can finally meet my florist without panic attacks about my homework.

From today onwards - till I start school, I will be able to watch movies without feeling the horrible pangs of guilt. I will be able to wake up and enjoy my quiet-time (yes, I need to recharge!) and my books without having to think, "Oh, this would be great for my essay..." :P - and yes, I will be able to put more effort into my wedding prep! :D

To those who are still rushing for the 31st Dec deadline, JIA YOU!!!!

A funny incident...

I was eating my lunch at a fast-food joint this afternoon before giving tuition... when I noticed a group of men seated at a nearby table laughing and talking...

Had a strange inkling that their conversation was about me, coz the two sitting with their backs toward me would at times revolve their heads to look in my direction. Feelings of vulnerability crept in... but I decided that perhaps I was over-sensitive... I subsequently took out my journal...and began writing laboriously in it...

Tried to ignore the dudes... but failed.com. Stole glances at my neck-line to see if it was too plunging.

After a while, the men got up to leave... Two out of three of them exited the fast-food joint gracefully through the heavy swinging glass-doors. To my alarm, one of them approached my table and sat down in front of me.

Yes, he did not even ask if I was OK with him sitting down...

Me: (thinking: what the nerve!)
Man (while breathing heavily and trying rather unsuccessfully to hide his trembling voice): Um... (speaks in Mandarin) - Hi, can I get to know you? Can I be your friend?
Me (trying to buy time and think of what to say without sounding rude): Sorry, can you please speak in English? (thinking: D-A-R-N! I hope he doesn't think that I am from China...)
Man (in English this time): Sorry... it's nothing really... Can I have your contact... and get to know you?
Me: Um... sorry, I don't think so. I don't give people my phone-number just like that...
Man: Then can we be friends?
Me: Sorry, I don't think so. (Thinking: Gosh, what a harsh answer!)
Man: It's OK.

He got up and disappeared immediately.

Omigosh. I don't think I sounded really polite either... but I was at a total loss what to say. Felt bad for rejecting him so abruptly too, but I had my reasons to be suspicious. (I am now on con-man alert!) And no, I was not flattered at all.

What kind of cheesy pick-up line was that? Did he actually think that I would give him my number?

Now, I am used to random dudes 'stumbling across' my Facebook profile and messaging me to ask if they can get to know me or add me to their friends list. But in person? This was really a first. I could ignore my Facebook messages (which I usually do)... but how should I respond to a situation like today's?

I am still hoping that the other two had dared him to do it - and he was doing it just to make them happy... although it looked nothing like that. *Denial, denial* :P

It must have been some kind of prank....

Sigh, I wish that I could have been a little friendlier though.

Then I dialed Ben's number on my hand-phone and complained to him about the whole incident. He had a good laugh. @_@'

Nevertheless, I was extremely careful while walking to my car after I was done with lunch.

Blogging - God's portion of grace

One of my favorite moments of the day is when I log into my blog and start typing out a new post.

For many years, it has been a sort of 'freedom'.

I am not a natural-talker. I was more silent in my earlier years because I did not know how to express my deeper thoughts through spoken words and I was afraid of being laughed at by my hearers... My thoughts seemed to have quite the knack of disorganizing themselves when I wanted to voice them out. Perhaps it was my lack of self-esteem. Or perhaps, I feared rejection while I so desired the acceptance of my peers. As a form of 'escape mechanism', I lived as a fake, wore masks to hide my vulnerability and lived out the perfect stories I had made up about myself the best I could. In fact, I started believing in them! However, I think God who had known me before I even existed foresaw the many struggles I would have to go through in my childhood and adolescence... so He mercifully and graciously made sure that the talents He had placed in me for His Kingdom purposes were developed pretty early in my life - so that while I had yet to know Him, I would be able to enjoy engaging in them as a form of 'refuge' in my confusions. Most of my expressions were accomplished on paper (as random journal jots, fiction, ink-sketches, pencil drawings and other forms of art-work), through dance and most often, in wordless musical compositions. Whether joyful or tearful, my heart overflowed upon such media (if not through tears!) and this was important to me. It was through these, I seemed to find the affirmation I needed whilst I did not know my Maker. Of course I had to learn to put my security in God when I had found Him and to treat these talents as instruments to serve the King of kings - but they did suffice as temporary, imperfect sources of encouragement, all the while drawing me back to their sovereign Giver.

When I came to know God, there were so many beautiful things about Him I often wanted to share but found much difficulty verbalizing. I did not want so much of an audience as I used to have when I performed and I did not want to have to impress, but I wished to testify all the same - not of myself, but of my God. I also slowly grew passionate about people and building sincere friendships - so I longed to encourage. At the same time, I had yet to break away from eating disorders, in which I was still deeply entrenched - but I too couldn't find a vent for my frustrations (and I did not know if I would ever be healed).

In my 2nd year of med school (a short while after my 20th birthday), i.e. 2004, I stumbled across the 'magical world' of blogging, thanks to a dear sister, Jia Lin, who introduced me to it. My blog became a very dear and tangible portion of God's grace to me. Didn't think that I'd keep up with it this long... but when I moved over from my old blog to this one, I was overwhelmed by the number of posts I had come up with! There were happy posts, sad ones, emo ones... and boy, they did bring back many bittersweet memories! I was reminded that I had both loved much and lost much, but as long as God was in the picture, there was unsurpassed beauty, difficult to be captured by mere words. I laughed at the geeky pictures of myself and wondered how I even dared to put them up in the first place. I was amazed at how inspired I was to write a little about my Eternal Lover each day... and thankful for how far I have come in various areas of my life, especially my recovery from E.Ds. Last but not least, it helped me to remember all who had faithfully sown a little humble but precious seeds in my life and made it sweet so that I could taste and see that God is good. Of course, all indications that my blog had encouraged at least a few people who read my blog on a regular basis brought me much hope as well - that somehow, God would use this gift He had given me to make a difference in the lives of the people He loves.

I know some people think that blogging can be a very exhibitionist's thing...and I agree no less that it is so easy to be fake or to show-off if we are not careful. It is also certainly not a place to air out one's most private and personal matters that should be kept secret. However, I am just thankful that my blog has helped me to express myself to at least my readers (mostly friends and family) in a more real way...and ever grateful for the freedom and joy it offers me when I sit down to think and express my thoughts and heart to those who matter much to me in words they can understand and relate to. Lastly, my blog has become a way to daily update my partners-in-ministry, family, prayer partners and those who support me financially about my life without having to write impersonal mass emails. All glory unto my Lord and God, Jesus Christ.

And just for the random record... :P

One year ago from today...And now....with the grown-up eye-bags....and the reduced size of my cheeks :S - I don't know what happened... but I know it happened sometime after Sandakan mission trip last year.

*Grin* (I want my cheeks back!)

Woke up on the wrong side of the bed...

Not a very happy day on the whole. I feel like I've messed up so many things. Everything kinda backfired on me.

Yeah... as a result, I am about to face a 'judgment seat' ~ not that of God, but of someone else... =_=" Dang-dang-dang-dang...

In the end, I returned home feeling all disgruntled, disappointed and angry with myself... ordered pizza (yes I can jolly well eat one whole regular-sized (9") pizza all by myself), watched the last episode of 'Brilliant Legacy' (Korean drama) and now, I am waiting for the 'judgment seat'.

Will I be 'safe' or sorry? *yelps* Oh, God... please, please be merciful and gracious to me... and please make all things work together for good. *so scared*

Anyway, I've come to the end of my HCD electives term at MBTS. I think I might have fallen head-over-heels with HCD. It is a very refreshing, motivating and enlightening major indeed. I think everyone should take Holistic Child Development courses, because children are so important to God. My HCD friends whom I will only meet again this time next year - bade me farewell... and congratulated me in advance for getting married. *ehem* I am actually not married yet... but probably, when we next see each other, I will be a Mrs. somebody...

Sobering thought.

The clouds settled upon the hilltops today. I had my 'head in the clouds' literally!

Emo-fied...

The blog title says it all.

Ouhhhhhhhhh.... So sien... Piang eh.... thank God tonight it's Rachel Chan to the rescue! >_<

I don't know how to go through the weekend like that... I was OK before Ben came into my life. I was happy during my single-hood. I'd spend weekends on my own, doing my own thing, studying for exams, etc, etc. Sometimes I'd hang out with my friends. But for the last 2 years, Ben and I seldom spent weekends apart...whether it's breakfast dates, preparing for CG or church stuff on Saturday evenings, going to church, having dinner, etc. Now that this is going to be our 2nd weekend apart, I am having 'withdrawal symptoms'...It's honestly very difficult to try and reenact how I spent my weekends in the past - now that I am no longer single. And to think that I have many, many more of such weekends to 'look forward' to. *gulp* Really, really, really miss him... My life seems so quiet all of a sudden. I am not used to it.

But oh well, God is never far away... At least that's the comfort I have. The only constant in my life.

Even if my world turns upside down,
I know that my God will be the right way round...

Anyway, to make myself a little happier...let me share something totally random.

Today, Dr. S (our academic dean) saw me lepak-ing around the office during lunch hour... and he asked me, "So, have you changed directions yet?"

At first, I didn't understand what he was talking about. So I cautiously said, "Not yet. Perhaps..." and he grinned... I don't think he was referring to the question he threw at me yesterday.

Having given it some thought, I now realize that he meant to ask me, "Are you getting married yet?" @_@ (I think he's so clever....and yes, I am kinda slow...)

Dr. S once asked his spiritual formation class students to describe how our relationships have directed our lives...

I shared that day...that having a boyfriend has thrown me off course and changed my life direction completely. I always knew (since 2nd med) that I would someday leave the medical field for the vocation God was calling me to. However, I did not originally intend to come to MBTS in Penang. I was trying to apply to get into STM (another Christian seminary in Seremban), till the final 6 months of medical school...when I found out that Ben liked me. *gulp* Or rather, we liked one another... and there was no way of turning around somehow... When we went into courtship, I quite sadly gave up my dream (back then) to enter STM... I didn't quite like the idea of going to MBTS... but if I was to stay in Penang and get married here, I knew that I had no choice. When Pst. Jeya confirmed that I should attend seminary and get my M.Div, I just knew that God wanted me in MBTS (even though it didn't offer the courses I had wanted to take)... and here I am.

However, I now believe that this change of direction was God's will. He later revealed to me why it was much better for me to be here rather than in STM (although I have no doubt that it's a good seminary) - which I won't share here. I have no regrets coming here at all! I really love the friends I made here too. But it is so true. God uses relationships to direct our lives, because He made us relational beings... and His will is perfect.

Of course, Dr. S being Dr. S had to tease me that day, "So if you get married and if you both leave Penang, does it mean that you will leave MBTS too?"

Wednesday

Excited me. About to go on one of my best trips this year.

I look forward to the 5-hours busride. It will be a good time to reflect, plan and pray. It's definitely making good use of every bit of precious time I have... I am savouring what remains of my 3-weeks break. Last week, my days were consumed preparing for Youth-talk :P - I am jolly well going to try to finish my assignments by this week...

What's left = WKC's paper, essay for Pst. Mark, and hopefully, Dr. Vincent's exegesis on Isaiah 6.

disliking the weather...

*Sweats profusely*

And this is to the VERY INCONSIDERATE people who burn rubbish behind my apartment block every evening...

PLEASE STOP IT, WILL YOU??? Stop polluting the air. It maybe a little more hygenic on ground level to burn off all your rubbish... but it isn't doing the air hygiene much good. And for people who stay floors above ground-level, it is torture. We can't NOT open our windows, or we will suffocate. And when we do, we feel like we are being smoked out of our houses...

Also... The smoke is worsening my cough! My lungs ain't made of steel... ARGH.

God, please help me love my neighbours...

been busy....

My NTS presentation group-mates at Ban Thai the other day (TK's kind treat)...
Back row from left: Moses, David, TK
Front row from left: Michelle, me :)

I realize I have neglected my blog from last Wednesday. I went 'on strike' on Thursday, was too busy on Friday... and then there were the weekend businesses... Some updates...

On Thursday, I set a roach/lizard trap in my house... because I spotted a creepy-looking roach scuttling across the floors on Wednesday night. Even more geli-fying, it ran over my foot. *Shudders* Today, I found a lizard stuck in it. *Joyful Joyful*... But hor... it looks so icky, that I am not sure how I will discard it with my bare hands. Eeeeee.....

I am still coughing. Although there's no more sore throat, I feel like there's still alot of phlegm down in my chest. Somewhere...

On Friday, my NTS team-mates had a team discussion for NTS group presentation after classes till late-afternoon...

Ben and I went out with Wei Chong and Bee Chin for dinner and a movie in the evening. (Some sort of double-date...) Iron Man 2 was brilliant. I liked it more than Ip Man 2. We enjoyed the company too. Ben chatted with WC, while I with BC. It was a relaxing evening indeed. Praise God for the precious moments spent with our friends.

How I spent Mother's Day this year? Eating KFC with Ben's parents... LOL. They got themselves the KFC alarm clock... with the hilarious ring-tone --> non-stop crowing of the cock... I am not sure if they know how to snooze it.

I've got another youth-talk to prepare for (on the 23rd of May). I seriously do not know what I should speak to them about. Please keep me in prayer. May it be God's message... and not my own. Oh, and also, please pray for our NTS group presentation this Friday. Plus a sermon plan I have to put together by this Friday too.

6 more days to our 2nd anniversary. Yeeeeaaaaaaaay!!! :D

Annoyance...

Some people can be so annoying...
I absolutely cannot tahan...

But I suppose they are insecure... the ultimate reason for their aggressive bragging, kiasu-ness and endless pursuit of compliments. They never are satisfied... Bagi betis, hendak peha. And no...they don't get any hints. They don't even seem to appreciate kindness.

Then I look at their happy, fulfilled faces - all smug like the cat that swallowed the canary; the kind of faces you find in children who have just bragged that their fathers own the largest houses, estates, cars and such... Those who are constantly mean to their peers and get away with putting others down...just because they are good at interlacing their discouragements with subtle flattery. And my heart, oh my heart... somehow softens - and something impresses upon my heart, "Come on...you know they are insecure...Forgive...Love..." Darn. What do you call this phenomena? Compassion? What am I to do with this?

No, I don't like you. Who said that I had to like everyone? But love? Fine. Let me love. I think I can afford to cut you some slack there...be kind to you... serve you... listen to you... whatever. I will know if I am well on my way...if I can pray for your needs :)

Let me love.

Yippeee....

Phew... For once I am able to finish a draft of my B.I. homework a few days before the deadline...so that Dr. Lawson can have a look through it and tell me how to improve my assignment before I pass up the final draft of it this coming Tuesday...

Will be seeing Mr. Wong KC tomorrow...to discuss my Exodus paper. Apparently, we still have a chance to make changes to it before we say "Enough is enough." Even though the deadline for this paper is long over...and I was supposed to have passed up my 'final' draft quite a while ago. You see how gracious and generous he is... :P

Today I was sick. Dizzy and stomach ached. Plus, I hurt my neck...yet again. Suspect that the hurt neck caused all the dizziness. Hope tomorrow, I will be ok... coz I cannot afford to miss classes.