For emotional wholeness....

Some gloomy day outside.

Last night, by God's grace, I discovered (by how I often react to some things and circumstances) that I have bad emotional habits that I badly want to get rid of. Or at least gradually stop them in their tracks. Especially before I get married and have kids.

These emotional habits do not coincide with PMS, I'm afraid - haha. So I can't exactly blame it on PMS. While my melancholic personality may have some influence, I reflected and also thanks to Ben's help, realized that many of the emo's are learned habits/reactions from my childhood and late teenage-hood as an indirect cry for attention. (Yeah, I used to have self-inflictory behaviors. Used to. Now the behaviors have evolved into less 'physical' forms - I promise you that I don't slash my wrists, bruise myself or run into the wall anymore. But still... I am left with bad emotional habits, nevertheless!) And if they can be learned, I don't think I want my kids to pattern their emotional habits after mine in the future.

Yups. So when I realized that I should stop, I prayed. Yesterday's 'alert' must be a call for me to enter a time of healing. Thanks, to those of you who are praying for me as I am preparing myself for marriage. May I grow and transform to have emotional wholeness in Christ. (And thanks Tairven and Wee Lyn for my birthday-pressie... i.e. the book - I didn't realize how much I needed it till yesterday!)

It is OK to cry...

I think it is much healthier to teach boys that it is all right to cry... of course for the right reasons.

I am not talking about tantrums that grow into the immature whines of a grown-up man.

But...A man who isn't able to emotionally response to injustice, righteous anger or a touch from the Holy Spirit through tears doesn't appeal much to me somehow. Even Jesus cried.

Coz everytime my man cries, I am moved to a deeper level of intimacy with God myself. Coz I know too well, that God is listening to him. And I'd be inspired to cry out to God in my secret place too.

And God listens to your cries too. So, just cry and let it all out to Him. May His comfort make you strong to walk one more step, live another day... and sincerely give, even when your takers take your gift for granted. Coz God sees... and He will bless you in secret.

Confession: The back-up plan...

Watched 'The Back-up Plan' all by myself this evening. Really enjoyed it even though I didn't agree with some values portrayed. Had a good laugh too.

I think I can quite relate to the character J. Lo played in the movie - Zoe. Not the pregnancy part of course... but her insecurities and fears due to what she had experienced in her childhood.

She kept expecting Stan to walk out of her life and abandon her, even while he had assured her many times that he wouldn't. Furthermore... to protect herself, she always had a back-up plan for every thing... including her relationship with Stan. This pattern ~ she followed all her life. Such a habit of pushing people away when they get close... because she feared abandonment...

Confession: I thought Zoe reminded me alot of myself.

I had two previous relationships - in which my ex-boyfriends treated me very well - but both separations were proposed by yours truly. Why? Well, about the first one... I decided that I couldn't possibly put up any longer with certain stuff I couldn't tolerate about the guy - because what he did made me feel rejected and fearful. The poor dude was very hurt - that he failed to function in life for a while...literally :( Thank God that by His grace, he made a come-back. We did apologize to one another later - but we've lost contact with one another for quite some years already.

In the second relationship, the ex-bf and I came to a mutual conclusion to end the relationship after some time, because the guy's parents were not in favor of us together... during our studying years. However, we did plan to get back together later, if we still had feelings for one another. The aftermath of that separation was a little too much for me and I felt way reluctant to get back into the relationship with so much opposition from others which I took personally as rejection - I decided that there was to be 'no looking back' - so I moved on from there... once and for all.

The ex-bf did not believe that I had moved on so fast. He did not know that once I had made up my mind to move on, I'd really move on - and not really feel much remorse or regret. (Running away actually.) My main priority was to protect myself from hurt, from rejection, from abandonment... so I was my greatest defense. (Or so I thought) Thus you can imagine his confusion for the next 3 years ~ we were mostly 'playing' hide-and-seek. I'd go out of my way to avoid him, while he kept trying to patch things up in between us, do things for me and give me presents - because he thought that there was still hope. In time, I grew mad and bitter at him for still 'seeking' me when I had put in so much effort to recover and move on (and moved on I did!) - that I became very unkind to him too. Bitterness grew into hatred. It was as much of a terrible time for him, as it was exhausting for me. There were many potential 'back-up plans' around, but of course I had grown into a prayerful person during that time... and I mostly kept my eyes on God... that kept me from...um, pursuing those 'back-up plans'. You get what I mean? :P

Thank God - I had to come back to Penang from Dublin - and the year apart sorta allowed alot of healing to take place... that the ex-bf and I were able to talk to one another properly as friends again... eventually.

Anyway, guess what... God did not allow me to get into anymore relationships for the 4 years that followed... so He could teach me very important lessons of life. Funny but true, many brothers and closer guy friends came into my life during that period of time... it couldn't have been anything else but God's plan. Because of them, I learned to be a sister - and how to serve my brothers. I learned that my brothers could be trusted to protect me, lead me, affirm me, and to love me as a sister and friend... It was a bittersweet season of learning indeed.

I thank God especially for Kean Yew. He's the closest brother I've ever had - we grew very close as friends especially after a difficult year of trials for the both of us. There came a point when I tried to push him away and resented him for kindly doing so much for me...but I was amazed when he gently said, "I think I understand why..." and then he did move out of my 'space' a little, but continued to serve me as willingly as before. I truly appreciated what he did - was very touched... and our friendship grew stronger after that. KY continued to give me his unstinting support... through every up and down in my life... even until today. He is one very faithful brother, who taught me to trust.

In my current relationship with Ben (that's gonna lead to marriage), I still find myself a little apprehensive of trusting sometimes. I guess I still fear abandonment and rejection... but thank God, it's growing much less than before... I do hope, that with time, I'd grow more secure.

Indeed, there's no back-up plan for marriage. Coz I don't believe in divorce.

Wetness-day...

A wet morning, with the puddles of rain splashing around my ankles.

I am taking quite a challenging course this week... 'Child development and functioning in families and the community'. It kinda forces me out of my comfort zone because I can't help but address the things of the past. Especially my childhood and adolescence. Sometimes, my own scars startle me and I have to try and hide the wetness in my eyes.

I assure you that I am not making a mountain out of a molehill. And no, you don't have to feel sorry for me... :)

~ Well, at least I won't get to merely sweep things under the carpet and go on carrying emotional baggages for the rest of my life. Painful as it is, I pray that addressing those issues would allow their proper closure... and I don't have to pass them down to my kids in the future. Or those whom I minister to.

Got a bit discouraged in the afternoon about certain MBTS-unrelated stuff. I believe that God has been teaching me to deny my strong-headedness, my want of control, distrust for people and rebellion - I am slowly letting go, taking less responsibilities upon myself (and I really mean the unnecessary ones!), submitting and allowing Him to take control of my circumstances. Painful, depressing and unsettling it may be. But greater is the freedom, I feel. Give me a gentle and quiet spirit, O God... and may I be contented in Your love.

Dealing with the past...

Back from a day of classes and music practice at the school chapel.

Today's class on self-care for pastors/church leaders was interesting. We learnt about dealing with our pasts, which is important if we are going to shepherd people in the future. Our pasts will inevitably have a negative impact on the ministry, if we do not learn to release old wounds, come to terms with grief and forgive. We watched a brilliant movie Jennifer Lopez starred in - 'An Unfinished Life' - and identified 3 main ways people deal with their pasts.

Some, like Mitch Bradley, realize that accidents can happen to anyone and everyone can make mistakes, so they forgive those who trespass against them, forgive themselves and move on. The second group of people, like Einer, cannot come to terms with the mistakes they made, or how others let them down - they harbour anger, bitterness and resentment for many years, not realizing that the only people they poison are... themselves. Furthermore, many of these live lives of regret and in loneliness because they won't let anybody help them. The third group of people, like Jean Gilkyson, numb themselves by repressing their real emotional response to the catastrophe and attempt to move on. These tend to find ways of escape, replacement for the loss and new things to make up for the old - regardless of how difficult it may be and how they may sometimes find the wrong things to fill up that void.

I think I belong to the 3rd group of people.

When my mum died of an illness when I was 17 (year 2001), I was extremely, extremely grieved. I could not bring myself to sleep that night, after she had breathed her last - because I feared waking up to more catastrophes. Also, I was still in disbelief and shock. I couldn't imagine facing tomorrow without mum around. However, I did not give myself enough time to come to terms with her death or allow myself to go through the normal grieving process. I remember telling myself, even the very next day, that I had to be strong. The house needed to be kept in order. Meals needed to be cooked. My younger sister needed to be taken care of. I needed to get into college and medical school, because my life depended upon it :P. I remember the funeral procession along our street. Our relatives wept and lamented. Having cried until I had no tears left when they closed up the coffin that morning, I was silent, numb and detached. I myself thought that I had come to terms with mum's death - but honestly, I had not.

In the days, weeks and months that followed - whenever I missed my mum or recalled the events leading to her demise, I would just push those feelings aside, distract myself and focus on the 'priorities'. It was no wonder that for many years after that, I suffered from frequent nightmares, broken sleep and depressing dreams of my late mother @_@; went into two relationships that did not last (the first one more disastrous than the second), had depression and turned bulimic (from being anorexic).

Now, 8 years have gone past since mum left. I am so thankful that God gave me the most wonderful friends who helped me deal with that particular remnant of the past and find peace in Him.

I want to be like Mitch Bradley. Lord, please help me embrace his positive attitude towards life's failings!

Healed!

Yesterday, I went for a health check-up...

The results were phenomenal.

Note: Due to eating disorders, I've always hated scales, scans, analyses, etc... because of the 'atrocities' they revealed. If some of you remember, my body was totally wrecked a few years ago, because of the restricting, outrageous binges, purging, laxative-abuse, etc. I had stomach conditions, menstrual problems, extremely low immunity to diseases, etc. I couldn't function properly like everyone else. Thanks to all that, I have been feeling terrible about how good a steward of my body I have been...

Not to mention, I was a medical student - so I understood all the consequences pretty well - and felt even more cacat.

Anyway, about yesterday's check-up: PRAISE GOD! Almost everything was perfectly in the normal range. Weight, body fat percentage, BMI, resting metabolism, visceral fat, subcutaneous fat, etc, etc.... Perfect! Health-wise, I'm pretty good now. The tissues in my body are wonderfully healthy too. That felt amazing.

The only 2 things I would have to continue to pay special attention to are my stomach... as in the organ :D - and my pancreas. Oh, and also to build more skeletal muscle in the trunk and legs.

May God continue to heal what is still out of order.

Hope...

'Lord, You have assigned me my portion and my cup;
You have made my lot secure.
The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance.
I will praise the Lord, who counsels me;
even at night my heart instructs me.
I keep my eyes always on the Lord.
With Him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.'

(Psalm 16:5-8)

Today, I feel slightly better. Even though I can't run away from my work. And I slept, but still woke up. @_@

Today, one vivid thought runs through my mind.

Parents, please be more mindful of and responsible with the words you choose to speak over your children's lives. Words either build up or destroy. The words of today can make OR break a child's tomorrow.

One ministry God has privileged me to do especially in the past few years is one that reaches out to girls and young women with eating disorders and certain few other psychological/psychiatric conditions. (I use the word 'privileged' because it was not something that I had planned to do on my own or have been that faithful at... but God made it grow somehow.) One of the many aspects a considerable number of these precious people have in common is a lifetime of enduring spoken words of condemnation, judgement and rejection, as well as curses, rained down upon them - right out of the very mouths of their parents.

Especially mothers. Girls naturally look up to their mothers as role models, more than their dads. It's tough not having a low self-image, if you are constantly ridiculed and rejected by the one you look up to.

Of course, there could be many reasons why earthly moms do that. Sometimes it could be pure carelessness and words were spoken out of irritation or frustration. Even the most well-meaning words spoken in an uncontrolled manner, in such context and mood, can wound deeply. Such wounds stay silently embedded and hidden, but they can take a long time to heal - in many cases, years. Sometimes, moms lash out because they think that such words have a potential to discipline and change us for good. However, this is far from the best way. Even the Bible says that, 'It is God's kindness that leads us to repentance.' (Rom 2:4)

Often, it is due to mom's own insecurities, fears and low self-esteem - all of which she could be pretty unconscious of. So, a note to girls who are going through a very difficult time with such conditions at home - please do try to understand mom and forgive her. I know it's really hard. I've had my own share of trials, of which I won't share today. But please try. Pray for your moms if you are able to - they need to know of God's wholesome love themselves - that they too may be emotionally healed.

There are girls who grew up in abusive homes too. I don't only mean that they have been verbally abused... but physically abused too. And it's all very sad and real.

In contrast, I do know of girls whose parents are supportive and loving. These people often walk much shorter roads to recovery and healing from eating disorders, if they do have one. A strong, close-knitted, loving family, whereby healthy family relationships are initiated, cultivated, maintained and prioritized, is an important key to healthy self-image development in children - and these children eventually grow up into confident adults.

Tuesday ~ 22.9.2009

A beautiful day, as expected. The pain in my arm had subsided quite a bit in the 4 hours of sleep I had - so I could drive to school with no problems. Played the piano for chapel worship too. God made my fingers alive! Despite not being able to grip and coordinate finger movements last night, I can say that I played the heavy keys... phenomenally... because the muscles were working like clock-work. Strange. When I still can't rub my own nose properly yet.

I honestly think that it was a miracle. Thank You, Lord!

To those who prayed, I am very grateful.

Presentation went well today, with minimal hiccups. God made things work together - even all our imperfections... The audience actually enjoyed it! We also hope that it was a fragrant offering unto the Lord. My team was awesome. I love my team-mates for the 'heart' and dedication they had put into rehearsing the song the whole of last week, even if it meant staying back a few hours after school was over to sing, "Testify to Love"! These amazing people have been a source of encouragement and joy to me indeed! Kevin, Mark and Tina ~ Good job, peeps! :)

Faith that heals...

I think we take prayer too lightly sometimes.

Firstly, we pray, knowing that it is right to pray... but not with the conviction that something is happening in the spiritual realm when we do. If only we knew the victories of such spiritual warfare - we'd be flocking to every prayer meeting and spending alot more time on our knees!

Secondly, we don't pray enough expectant, faith-studded prayers.

I was so convicted when I re-read Mark 5:25-34 today. @_@ Ok, it was not exactly on the subject of prayer...but faith. The unyielding faith and conviction of a woman subject to an incurable, worsening bleeding disorder for the past 12 years (no kidding man - I have enough bleeding problems of my own! It's distressing enough! I cannot imagine HER distress! When I think of her, I can only imagine purpura, petechiae, haematomas, crippling arthropathy, menstrual problems, life-threatening bleeds and a lot of failed treatment regimes....) which brought her to touch Jesus' cloak that fateful day because '...she thought that "If I just touch His clothes, I will be healed." ' And she went forth - not only desperately, I suppose... but expectantly. She had heard of Him indeed (vs. 27). After all, it is said in a few chapters back, (Mark 3:10-11), that '... He had healed many, so that those with diseases were pushing forward to touch Him. Whenever the evil spirits saw Him, they fell down before Him and cried out, "You are the Son of God!" '

Full of conviction and hope, she too reached forward to touch His clothes - and miracle of miracles! It happened! Her bleeding immediately stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering! (Mark 5:29)

Later when Jesus found her, He said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering." (vs. 34)

Wow.

Well, perhaps, you've been suffering from an illness (emotional, mental, physical, psychological, etc) and have been praying for a long time, but you have not seen results... Do not give up praying in faith. Sometimes, healing doesn't come the way we expect it to. Sometimes, God might need to heal another more important aspect of us, before He can work on the one that causes the most distress. It is also perhaps, the peace He wants to give and the joy in Him that would make us strong! We've just got to keep waiting on Him.

I'm saying this not to appear super-spiritual... but I stand in the shoes of one who has been healed of a very long-standing illness. The many years I waited on God were difficult, but the Lord did exceedingly and abundantly more than I could have ever asked or imagined. During those times when I felt extremely distressed and hopeless, the Lord comforted me through His Word or my loved ones that He was certainly doing something with the massive piles of ruble and rocks in my path even though it remained intangible for that moment in time. Indeed, He has made my path straight!

Keep praying and looking to Him.

----------

Anywayz....I know this is anti-climax :P But....

... I gave up trying to write my mission-trip reflection paper. Have no idea how to begin. Perhaps, I'll go around asking my seniors in school tomorrow, what I am supposed to do about it.

Btw, thanks for prayers, Sophia!:) And everyone else keeping me in prayer.

As for the piles of work from Discipleship in Youth - I'll try not to think of it for the time being... Hehe.

Thanksgiving

Spent the whole day working on translations... English to Malay. Grrr. I still have loads of work to do, and I have yet to finish writing out my own testimony in solid Malay!:D Haha. Thanks for prayers, dear people.

Just returned home from a church renewal service. Rev. Chew Tow Yow's sermon was really challenging. I liked it because it was real good 'meat' and like Ben said, it makes one think. Before the service, my CG members and I went for a quick bite at Super Tanker. After service was over, Mell, Louise, Wei Nin, Pauline, Kok Loon, Ben and I went to a mamak stall for supper :) I had iced-milo (as usual) and roti canai - which left me full and satisfied. (I've been eating alot today...but I thought that it wouldn't do me much harm to fatten up a little before I exit my comfort zone, for mission-trip next week - hehe...*Sheepish laughter* --> Excuzies-schmuzies...) It was fun! We stayed there and chit-chatted a while before parting ways for home.

Funny but true - I haven't gained any weight these few weeks of not exercising much (the most I do is 30 minutes of dancing in front of the mirror, 2 times a week) and eating proper meals with light snacks in between to curb gastritis. LOLx. I finally feel normal after years and years of fluctuating weight. This year, my weight's been pretty stable. Never any weight-gain beyond 1kg from my current weight - unless I have water retention, and no drops either. I've been maintaining my weight at this exact point - which makes my BMI 20. Praise God for healing to my body that everything is starting to function properly, since everything went down-hill in year 2000.

Tomorrow's our Church anniversary thanksgiving Sunday service. I'm looking forward to the celebration of yet another year of God's faithfulness at Trinity. We are by no means a perfect church (no church is btw - not until the 2nd coming of Christ!:D), but I feel that God did transform many areas we would never have smoothened out on our own. Praise Him indeed. May He continue to strengthen the fellowship of our church family and do His work in this place:)

Happy blog-anniversary!

Today marks the end of the 5th year, and the beginning of the 6th year since I started blogging. Golly-schmolly. How time flies. I feel like such a grown-up now.

I was only 19 or 20 then. An anorexic turned bulimic, half a globe away from home in a foreign land. Still battling eating disorders, depression and loads of other ailments... but it was a life filled with purpose. And I somehow felt that I ought to start blogging about it. To count my blessings. To remember God's faithfulness. To update my family and close friends about what He had been doing in my life.

Today, I'm where I am. Exceedingly and abundantly more than I could have asked or imagined in 2004. Healed of my eating disorders. Graduated, and going back to studying again! A whole new person. Bolder, grown, stronger (by the grace of God), seasoned, yielded and joyful. More in love with the Lord than ever. Through the seasons, He's been there. And I know, as He's been always faithful, He will be always faithful. Praise God.

I'm finally going to be off for my long-awaited vacation tomorrow. As such, I'll be on a blogging hiatus for a few days.

She writes...

Joel 2:24-26 -

"The threshing floors will be filled with grain;
the vats will overflow with new wine and oil.
I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten— the great locust and the young locust, the other locusts and the locust swarm
My great army that I sent among you.
You will have plenty to eat, until you are full, and you will praise the name of the LORD your God, who has worked wonders for you; never again will My people be shamed."


I don't know why this word came to me today.

I was reflecting today, on the many years I have wasted struggling with my sins and eating disorders - when I could have been out there 'conquering the world' and accomplishing more meaningful things. How much I could have done with the big part of me that was lost in the last 10-12 years! While other girls my age were having a ball of a time going to parties, growing up into beautiful ladies, enjoying university life, enjoying their friendships, etc, I was isolating myself and engaging in a turbulent relationship with food, which made me do many things to harm myself - physically, spending time in the hospital or at the psychiatrist's, spending money on 'magic slimming pills' (I won't elaborate here), combing the eateries for binge food, purging, etc. It destroyed 2 of my previous relationships, it made me a stranger to many, I gave up doing the things that I used to enjoy doing...and it wasn't exactly something I would have wanted for myself either. I made a wrong, or 'fatal' (if you like) decision as a response to my many pent-up insecurities - and as a result, fell into the deep pit. Gulf, to be more exact.

While pondering on those things, I suddenly remembered this Word. Joel 2:24-26.

So far, I do know that while I've lost a chunk of the old me in the fires of EDs, I feel today that as I am looking to Him, the Lord is filling that empty void with things far more important than what I've lost physically and emotionally. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control, amongst many other things. Imperfect I still am, but I am finding my joy in God increasing and I decreasing. Just as how God blessed limping Jacob (after he wrestled with God) with a new name - Israel - and the inheritance of a blessing that would definitely make up for him being lame for the rest of his life, He's given me a new meaning of life - and I hope He'd use my short-comings for His glory.

Scars don't fade so fast - some, like Israel's limp, remain with you for the rest of our lives...but while many others choose to see scars as bitter reminders of their past that ought to be grieved over, I choose to see scars as legacies of God's gracious deliverance and a symbol of His promise of that same blessing He poured over limping Israel. For me, this scar will always be sweet because it bears the fingerprints of the Lord.

Wednesday and a praise report

Today's a really wet and busy day.

Lotsa work to finish up before I go on leave tomorrow. Notice-board stuff, info-counter, Indah Water, print Sunday church bulletins, prepare for Alpha, cash-vouchers for Uncle GC, and make appointments with aunty-aunty sekalian for next week's communion visitations.

An article to write.

Laundry to do and blow dry. *Huff, puff*

Pack for the KL trip. (Grace, please remember to put your bus-tickets into your bag!) KL, here I come! (Will be back on Saturday) Haven't even unpacked my bag properly from the weekend:P Pardon my laziness... Gosh, oh well... at least, it will save me the trouble of reorganizing it.

Hehe, is that a good enough excuse for procrastination?:P

Last but not least, MLM class at church tonight...


Anyway, here's a praise report. Ben's leg is healing miraculously quickly! Today he's walking at close to normal walking speed!:) That's really quick for a badly sprained ankle, which the doctor said that he would take weeks to recover from. In fact, the doctor told Ben to take MC for one week - which he declined. It's only been 4 days since that day! He was off his crutches on Monday - and the deep cuts on his soles had healed - he could hardly see the wounds or feel any pain. Tuesday, he was able to go to the gym to lift weights.

And today...his condition is improving rapidly. Talk about a resurrected ankle...

It was funny indeed. I've not shared it, but I will share it here. On Saturday night, I lay alone at night praying for Ben and about the heavy guilt upon my heart. And out of nowhere, the story of how Christ rose from His grave in 3 days kept coming to mind. There was this funny impression upon my heart out of my depression, that the Lord would 'raise Ben up' in 3 days! While it did seem bizzarre that it could happen (I've sprained my wrist before, falling down the bunk-bed during our Kubang Pasu public health posting in 2007, and I did not use it for 2 weeks at least - Ben definitely fell from a greater height than I did), I decided that I would believe that God could do the impossible and pray in faith that Ben would be healed and walking in 3 days.

And golly, it did happen! I'm shocked myself to see the progression.

We don't understand how and why...but God works in mysterious ways indeed. Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord!

To all who've been praying for him, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Some inspiration...

Today, I came across a young woman's blog, http://nattietan.wordpress.com, which really encouraged me.

She was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa not too long ago (last year), and her blog records her meals and her journey towards recovery. Myself, having battled that as well as bulimia for many years before I finally came to be healed (praise God!), I was touched beyond words to read her blog entries indeed. It brings me to remember how deathly my circumstances, how tormented my soul, and how mightily God has delivered me from my illnesses.

Nattie, be strong!:) I pray that you would discover God and His unfailing love like you've never before, in this journey ahead. Also, I'm hoping that more young women who're currently battling eating disorders would stumble upon your blog as I did, and be encouraged. I'm truly blessed. Keep it up!

With much love, Grace.

Putting behind the shame-filled past

I was sharing with a dear someone yesterday about something that really touched me, from God's Word - and he thought it meaningful. So I decided to share it on my blog today.

A few nights ago, I was having difficulties sleeping, having somebody on my mind... so I prayed for that person and God brought to my mind a passage in Genesis, which depicted the Lord's destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah. In Gen 19:15 onwards, it is written:

"When the morning dawned, the angels urged Lot, saying, "Arise, take your wife and your two daughters who are here, lest you be consumed in the punishment of the city." But he lingered; so the men (the angels) seized him and his wife and his two daughters by the hand, the Lord being merciful to him, and they brought him forth and set him outside the city. And when they had brought them forth, they said, "Flee for your life; do not look back or stop anywhere in the valley; flee to the hills, lest you be consumed...."

Then verse 26-28: "But Lot's wife behind him looked back, and she became a pillar of salt. And Abraham went early in the morning to the place where he had stood before the Lord; and he looked down towards Sodom and Gomor'rah and toward all the land of the valley, and behed, and lo, the smoke of the land went up like the smoke of a furnace."

Lot was weak. And that's why he chose to dwell amongst the corruption of the land, that he could enjoy the earthly riches the valley of Jordan held. But God, in His great mercy and grace, decided to spare Lot and his family from the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah, to give them a new beginning.

But...as we all know...

First, Lot was slow to obey - in verse 16, '...he lingered'. God was merciful. He had the angels grab them by the hand to set them outside the city. That speaks of how urgent God's call was.

Secondly, Lot being a coward, doubted God's instructions. See verse 18 onwards, where Lot said, "Oh, no my lords; behold, your servant has found favour in your sight, and you have shown me great kindness in saving my life; but I cannot flee to the hills, lest the disaster overtake me, and I die. Behold, yonder city is near enough to flee to..." But God was merciful to him again - He said to Lot in vs 21-22, "Behold, I grant you this favor also, that I will not overthrow the city of which you have spoken. Make haste, escape there; for I can do nothing till' you arrive there."

Thirdly, Lot was an unsuccessful leader. Vs 26 : "Lot's wife behind him looked back, and she became a pillar of salt." What was his wife doing behind him at times like those? This shows that he did not have any spiritual authority as a husband over his wife and children, and did not communicate well enough to his wife what the Lord had warned him in vs 17...(The Lord did not speak that to the whole family, but just Lot.) "Flee for your life; do not look back or stop...lest you be consumed..." Later in the story, this was evidenced by his two daughters doing disrespectful acts to their father - they made him drunk and had sex with him.

What a lot of sad, unfortunate things that happened - which didn't have to happen.

When I was reminded of this story, I thought: what an awesome, merciful and gracious God we live for! Imagine if He had left Lot to perish, for a want of his weakness and greed... or if He had allowed Lot to live out the full consequences of his foolish decisions. But He didn't. He brought them out of S & G that they would have a new chance to live a new, purposeful life. He said, "Flee, do not look back or stop..." and that makes perfect sense in two different aspects, both physical and spiritual. Firstly, common sense tells us that if we do that, it would really slow us down alot - and it would have been terrible indeed to fall into the wrath of God on that particular day. "...Lest you be consumed..." Secondly, in a spiritual sense, God wanted Lot to look forward to living a new life of purpose in Him, and not look back and be consumed by both the desire to return to the place of earthly riches and be destroyed along with the rest of the inhabitants in that land, or any regret of his foolish mistakes.

Likewise, I feel the same about what some of us are going through. Even myself. Of course what some went through in the past was so much more painful than what others can imagine - but what is in the past stays in the past. The foolish acts we've engaged in - we've apologized to whoever's concerned, and we've repented... God has mercifully forgiven us, set us free from the mistake we made and spoken into our hearts what He said to the adulterous woman in John 8 - "Has no one condemned you... Neither do I condemn you; go and do not sin again."Go. Jesus did not even say, "Remember!"

How beautiful is the call of God to a renewed life. Let us not be like Lot - lingering, reminiscing and regretting (probably he felt that it was such a waste too that he had to leave behind so much) even when God has said don't look back. As a result he was so trapped in his destiny. In the end Lot lost so much. I'm also referring to his spiritual destiny.

Let not the shadows of your past directly or more often-so indirectly hinder what God is doing in your life. The devil often reminds us of our defeats - but in Christ, we are now victorious! There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ! You today aren't the same as the you last time, and therefore you cannot go on living as if your identity is still of the old, holding on to the wounds, memories, unforgiveness and regrets, and just counting on 'time to heal everything'. You've got to forgive yourself, release whatever unforgiveness you still have to the Lord, count the wounds as healed (God will see to them Himself), learn what you can from the mistake, and move on, coz you have got a call to fulfil for the new season ahead. And just as how God changed Hoshea's name to Joshua when he was going no longer going to be just a warrior under the leadership of Moses but the incoming leader to take the nation of Israel into its destiny, God has given you a renewed identity to bring you out of your captivity and establish you in new places.

I will always remember what Pst. J said in our Experiencing God class - "God is a God of many second chances."

How unfailing is His love...

I really hope that we would learn to draw strength from God to be a David. In 2 Samuel, King David sinned against God he committed adultery with Bathsheba and murdered a man (Bathsheba's husband) so that she could be his wife - and as a result, he had to bear with the consequences - the first son that Bathsheba bore for David died and come on - he murdered his own friend! How would you feel about that for months (and perhaps years) after that?!? But what a contrast David's attitude was, to that of Lot!

I mean, he wasn't inhumane. There was a time for everything. He did grief. He had repented before God in much mourning and he tried to reason with God (in fasting and weeping) for a whole period, maybe a year ...BUT after the child had died like God said he would (see verse 20 onwards) and there was no way of reversing that, David made the effort to do something: He arose, washed and anointed himself, changed his clothes; went into the house of the Lord and worshipped Him... after that he went to his own house and ate (much to the surprise of his servants - David told them - enough is enough!). Then David comforted Bathsheba (now his wife), and the Lord's favour was upon them again that they bore another child - Solomon. And the Lord loved him.

Amazing spiritual implications of the physical...

1. Arose --> getting out of the 'pit'... getting up from the dust

2. Washed and anointed himself --> Cleansed himself from the remnants of yesterday, taking upon himself the freshness and renewal

3. Changed his clothes --> Putting on a 'new covering', a renewed identity, by God's grace

4. Worshipped the Lord --> acknowledging God's sovereignity as well as great mercy and grace

5. Went home and ate --> Food in the bible in the OT always had to do with regaining physical, emotional and spiritual strength. Remember Elijah? In a spiritual sense, to eat of God's promises and regain faith/strength. God's pardon. God's edification that addresses us as His sons and daughters.

6. Comforted Bathsheba.

To cut it short, David did not look back. He didn't blame Bathsheba. He didn't blame himself. What was in the past is stayed in the past. But he made love to her as a wife -and they bore Solomon. (Imagine if there had been no Solomon, just because David couldn't forget...) And God blessed the descendants of Solomon - the lineage of grace which in His time brought forth Christ. If God doesn't remember our sins anymore, why should we?

Are we doubting in the power of His blood to cleanse us from all unrighteousness when we confess and repent?

Indeed He makes all things new.

Praise Report...

Praise the Lord ~ my finger is healing! Pain is growing less intense... It didn't even feel painful when I had to play the keyboard yesterday evening. The pain miraculously disappeared before the 5pm service. Although it did pain me again after the service was over, now, when I press on the side of my finger, it is so much less painful than yesterday morning.

Thanks for prayers, people. You know who you are!:) One week of pain has taught me to appreciate all my fingers, the piano... and the prayer warriors even more.

Diarrhoea's still festering... but the stomach discomfort is not bothering me that much today. Praise God! I had good sleep the whole of last night. Didn't even wake up once to run to the loo. Woke up at 10am today, somemore:P *cough, cough*

Had weird dreams last night. Dreamt that I was meeting people. People I've never met in person, all my life - and yet, so familiar, as if I've known them for a long time. They were actually people I've 'adopted in prayer'... and they've been praying for me as well. It was the strangest feeling. But it really encouraged me to meet them. Perhaps someday I will, for real.

I asked someone this funny question recently, and got laughed at like mad..

"....I really want to know - do your dreams appear blur or clear?:P Mine appear blur...I think it's because I am short-sighted, and I don't wear my glasses/contacts to sleep."

I don't know what so funny about that. But really mar...

When I fall down You pick me up...

Can you imagine? It's about 5pm, and I still have work to do! ~ Unbelievably so! And my table is MESSY. Papers, books, calculator, scissors, Bible, calendar, memo pad, church care-takers duty-list, a pile of unlabelled Worship Enablers rosters, Alpha Course name tags, etc, etc... strewn higgledy-piggledy all over my desk.

Alamak.

I was sitting in Mcd's today for a quick lunch, watching the kids romp around the slides, screaming in excitement, with their anxious parents watching just on the fringe of the play area just in case their precious little ones tripped and fell.

Those amongst us who have become parents know - how even the smallest tumble of their kids can momentarily shock and cause the heart to drop a few beats. How the heart pains at the sight of fresh wounds on scraped knees.

One odd thought stuck in my head.

I don't think God ever watches any of His children fall down, without compassionately reaching out a hand to help him up again particularly when he calls for help. I don't think He stands at the side and merely remarks, "Stand up and walk!" while His child howls in pain and distress.

I have fallen many times myself. And each time, if not for the strength God gives, I wouldn't have gotten up myself.

Psalm 37:24 - '...though he stumbles, he will not fall, for the LORD upholds him with His hand.'

Psalm 40:1-2 - 'I waited patiently for the LORD; He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.'

Psalm 107:6 - 'Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble, and He delivered them from their distress.'

Isaiah 40:29-31 - 'He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

The Lord upholds. The Lord turns and hears our cries. The Lord lifts us out. The Lord sets our feet on solid ground. The Lord delivers. The Lord renews strength.

Those are the promises of God indeed!

So those of us, who are in the slimy pit, mud and mire - wondering how to get ourselves out of the sticky mess we've made... Call out to the Lord! What makes us think that we can stand up again by our own strength?

It can only be by the power of the Lord we stand. For He raises us up.

Isaiah 41:13 - ' For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.'

Lord, if You are willing...

I was reminded of a touching story in the gospel of Matthew today.

A man with leprosy, pushing through the large crowd that followed Jesus, his eyes full of agony. Falling down upon his knees, he boldly cried, "Lord, if You are willing, You can make me clean."

Jesus heard his almost breathless (I would imagine) plea, reached out His hand and touched the man. "I am willing," He said. "Be clean!" And immediately he was cleansed of his leprosy. (Matt 8:1-3)

The Lord saw the faith in the man's heart.

Those who could, in those days, afford to come in the clean robes of the Pharisees had nothing but the hypocrisy in their hearts written all over their sleeves and from the overflow of such envious, condemning hearts, their mouths spoke and accused.

But the rest, who appeared before Him with no formalities or rituals, many could not afford to wear handsome clothes - they were the poor and ill. Sinners, tormented in body, soul and spirit. Widows. An adulterous woman who was about to be stoned to death. A repentant tax-collector. Inquisitive little children, perhaps a little muddy from their outdoor play. Worried-sick parents of children possessed by evil spirits. Friends of a paralyzed man lowering him down from a hole in the roof, desiring that their friend would walk with them again. And yet still, these were the blessed ones who saw the glory of God. They were mostly empty-handed, but they brought to God the one thing He so longed to see in the hearts of those He made in His own image.

Childlike faith.

They just fell upon their knees amidst their distresses and asked. It didn't matter if Jesus could have gently told them to endure a little more before the eternal relief came from death. He knew best, but hey, they just asked. They just came to Him. What could be better than a personal touch from Jesus Himself - even if it was just a kind look and a reassuring word? It didn't matter that they were not the most educated or the wealthiest. They acknowledged their lack and put their highest hopes in God Almighty.

Who in his right, logical, educated mind would believe that a Nazarene carpenter would be able to heal with just one touch of His calloused hand?

Jesus said in Mark 9:23, "Everything is possible for one who believes."

Perhaps, you have been praying for healing. Are you praying with expectant faith in your heart that God is able to heal, or are you just praying because everyone says you should pray? Or maybe you have been praying for a long time, and healing did not come as you thought it would.

God knows best. We may not get what we, in our human reasonings, have thought best for ourselves. But God knows what is best for us, and He makes all things beautiful in His time (Ecclesiastes 3:11). His will is not just wise, but it is kind too.

So just ask, believing that with God all things are possible.

Then if you've really asked with the right heart, and can't see God moving, reflect. The whole time you were humbly praying about the broken heart, have you not drawn closer to the Lord or deepened your spiritual intimacy with Him? Have you not seen the blessings and fruit of depending on His strength instead of your own? Or perhaps, look at your own life. Has your character not grown? Has your attitude towards a particular hardship not changed?

I remember those very much darker days, when I struggled with eating disorders. While I prayed and hoped God would deliver me out of my distress, (and I didn't really see much progress in my illness), what inspired me most to keep hoping in the Lord was watching God transform many lives around me. Whether it was the lives of those who stuck faithfully with me in prayer and encouragement throughout those trying ten years. Or those who did not really know God and yet were curious about what kept me going. Or those young women who shared the same illness I suffered and dearly needed to know that Someone could fill their love-hungry hearts with the love and acceptance they had always craved, heal their brokenness and work in their messed up lives.

I remember the day I realized I was eating disorder free. It was indeed marvellous to behold - not only a renewed body. But also a transformed self-image, a deepened love for God, a calling upon my life to reach out to women similar to myself - and ultimately, the glory of Him, by whose stripes I was healed!

Healer's touch

Back to work, after a good weekend/off-day.

Something random...
I think God uses time to heal a heart...hardly formalities...never any force. I don't think He ever pries us open to fix our innermost beings - only to gently and kindly coax a soul to bare Him its smarting wound in its own time, and tenderly touch it. Only to assure it that He understands the ordeal (I mean it was Jesus who they flogged, condemened and crucified!) and to pacify the sobs of distress and pain.

There's a song I love singing:

Over the mountains and the seas
Your river runs with love for me
And I will open up my heart
and let the Healer set me free...
I'm happy to be in the truth
and I will daily lift my hands
for I will always sing of
when Your love came down...

I will sing of Your love forever...

Have you got a wound? Jesus can heal. Open up your heart today, and let Him.