Women Pastors?

Still working hard on my "Person of the Pastor" paper.

One thing awesome about this assignment - I am so much more acquainted with the life of your regular pastor now... and I appreciate my pastors more than ever. I mean, there are so much risks to bear as a pastor - in worst cases, they could end up losing their loved ones and losing themselves - and yet they made the sacrifice because they love and want to obey Him. This paper has also encouraged me to be more diligent in the matters of my ministry and service in God's Kingdom. To be more understanding to my pastor and support him more, regardless...

After this paper however, my previous conviction still stands - I don't think I am pastor-material. (When I say pastor here, I mean the pastor leading a church). Yeah, I do love shepherding people, discipling, mentoring, etc. Pastoral work is fine with me. But I don't think I'd be ever good in leading a church - especially that I am a woman. I am not against women pastors, of course. I have many lady friends who are pastors of churches - and I love and admire them for obeying God's calling upon their lives despite all the controversies that surround women pastors. However, I prefer to be a little more traditional and conservative. I feel that God has made most women different... to be leaders in areas they are gifted at, and yet supporters to the main male pastor of their churches. Also to be spiritual mothers that nurture, comfort and tend to the "scraped knees" of the fallen. When you are married, your husband won't have to feel like you are his spiritual leader even in the home (and be complacent). Subsequently, when you have children, it is difficult to mother them when you have a whole church waiting for you to meet their every need too... you'd have to choose in between one - and usually, a pastor will need to choose the congregation. Fathers can look after the children - but mothers, their special roles are irreplaceable.

Anyway, you don't have to agree with me. This is only my opinion ... coz I am getting married in 2 weeks and 4 days. Haha.

PMS officially ended today. Good timing too, praise the LORD... coz it means that the cravings have had their grand finale over the weekend... and I have 2 weeks to whip my body into shape. (Actually there's not much to be done, except to tone up on some flabby areas... and gosh, hopefully NO more weird weight plunges... coz I cannot afford to have wrinkly skin, stretch marks and ehem... non-impressive womanly assets on my wedding day! :P)

Wednesday

For an assignment, I was writing about my previous ministry encounters in Dublin - when I was struck with a humbling sense of nolstalgia.

Bittersweet memories flooded in.

How my room carpet was nearly always wet when I stayed at Mercer Court during my first year - because of a mysterious leak. Then, the nice but haunted little apartment on Lower Clanbrassil Street which my housemates and I moved into during our second year. Our long and freezing cold waits for buses every morning. The one hour long bus-rides to Beaumont Hospital every day. The pungent smell of preserved cadavers in the Anatomy D.R. (They actually smelled like a kind of food I like to eat with rice - I won't care to mention what kind of food here, in case I get sued, haha - but, dissection room sessions sure never got me clammy but hungry).

Choreographing dances for International Nights. Pigeons and our fear of cryptococcal pneumonia. Our cramming sessions for important exams. The guy who pursued me for a long 3 years or so before giving up hope (of course not after I made things so difficult for him. Bad me. I sure hope he has forgiven me completely by now). My hopeless crushes (haha). Me crying my eyes out over them while seated on the black leather sofa in our living room. With Cyn trying her hardest to make me smile again.

Our birthday celebrations. Pot-blesses. Pig-outs (oh, especially on sweet-and-sour pork and fried aubergines) at the Chinese restaurant on dodgy Mall Street. Mango sorbet at the Australian Ice Cream shop. Shopping in the city center (oh yeah, my favorite!). Mark & Spencers' huge chocolate chip cookies that they don't sell here in Malaysia. Dun Laoghaire harbor. Movies at the UGC. My piano students. My neighbors (who happened to my church mates) whose apartment Cyn and I used to frequent - for good home-made food wholesome chats and to watch rented DVDs.

Church gatherings. Prayer meets. Harp and bowl sessions - major city interchurch prayer meets, which the Dublin churches take turns to host every 2 months (or was it 1 month?). Christian musical concerts in Belfast. Avoca. Galway. Innis Island. I think I must have blogged about all of them in my older blog. My caring pastors. Our ministry events. How passionate I was about church!

Also how I used to trot to church on Sundays in my high-heeled boots (I was crazy enough to wear them - 30 minutes over cobble-stone roads too!). It is no wonder I have so many feet problems today. LOL. I am pretty sure this is where all my bunions originated.

I am sobered as I remember the blissful 3 years in Dublin today. It was not an incredibly easy time. But, I was close to God. And that was all that mattered. The blessings of being in His presence were incomparable and exceedingly more than I could have imagined. I was surrounded by the best friends ever. Today, when I look back, it all seems like a long, beautiful dream that I never wanted to wake up from. But of course, a season never lasts forever. I had to move on and return to Malaysia. Many things have changed ever since. My pastor in Dublin passed away from terminal stage malignant bone marrow cancer a year or two back. I am sorry I was not in Dublin when he left. But I know I will see him someday in heaven.

A question plagues me at times. Although I try not to compare myself - past and present - because the circumstances were and are totally different, I still can't help but always wonder: Am I as close to God as I was to Him before? Perhaps, this is a season of learning to trust God's heart even when I am not so inclined to feel Him.

Long Lamai mission trippers are back...

...and so am I.

What an eventful week. I had an awesome time in the Borneo jungles - ministering to the Penan tribe with a team of much appreciated fellow missionaries. Ben and I were in the same team this trip - it was also beautiful to be doing God's work together... playing our various roles along with the rest of the team. I feel like the trip strengthened our relationship so much - all praise and glory to our gracious Lord Jesus Christ.

In many ways, the Penans have taught me loads about waiting on God. Indeed blessed are the poor in spirit - for they shall inherit the kingdom of God.

I believe this is not the end of our work there. Ben and I returned with even greater burdens for the Penans.

Oh...one more thing - I didn't get bitten by too many mozzies or sandflies (although I am itching away) - this is a wonderful thing. :D Thank you for praying for our team, our faithful intercessors. God did answer your prayers.

ME 103 - handed up

4.32am. Praise God.

Mission trip prep next.... and worship practice with Angela Khong and team at 10am in the morning...

Anxiety

Geez.... My internet connection has been driving me up the wall in the past few days.

It has been challenging to do my work without good internet connection. As a result, I am feeling especially anxious about my research papers. As Dr. Sunny puts it, I am terribly back-logged... :(

Praise God for good exam results though. With all the assignments, I had to study just the night before the exam last Friday... but thank God for having mercy on me and giving me exceptional memory so that everything in my notes got 'internalized' pretty quickly... Also, for the steady flow of thoughts during the exam so that I could recall everything. Thanks for the prayers, those who prayed. I am so grateful!

Just got a part-time 'job'. I'll be giving English tuition to a Korean lady twice a week from next week onwards. I am not sure how it will work out... but may God provide sufficiently to cover all travel expenses and make all things work together for good.

Weekend photos...

Went to Singapore to attend a seminar organized by Grace Baptist Church's women ministry on Saturday. God really provided all I needed for this trip... exceedingly and abundantly more than I could ask or imagine... I flew to Singapore from Penang on Friday...and back to Penang yesterday.

The venue of the conference - Holiday Inn Atrium on Outram Road.

Me - do I look the picture of contentment or what? :P (The eyebags and dark eye-rings are from last week's sleep deprivation)

The theme of the seminar - 'The Beauty of True Contentment' - a very timely seminar to attend... I could feel God do an 'open surgery' on my heart.

Waiting for the seminar to start...

During one of the 'break-out' sessions... Me reflecting on my discontentments in life... :/

The ladies in my room, during Bible study...

The MC of the seminar... I really liked her. Unfortunately, I don't have good pictures of the speaker of our seminar.

Met up with Natalie for dinner at 'The Soup Spoon' at VivoCity Mall... :) One of the highlights of my trip.

Went to church (T.O.C) on Sunday morning...

Before service started... We went early, coz Ji had a worship practice in the morning...and I didn't want to get um... left behind... coz I am not familiar with MacPherson's area...

Here is my beautiful Laura jie... with hubby, Ewan korkor... and their baby girl, Hannah Grace...who is a few weeks old. The last time I came to Singapore in June, jie was doing night-cycling with us...and Hannah Grace, snuggly-wuggly in jie's belly!!!

The beautiful little princess... *heart melts* Hannah, Aunty Grace loves you very, very, very much!!! :) May you grow up to be a godly woman like your mummy... and have the wisdom of your daddy...

Grateful...

The woman's conference was really good. (Kudos to the committed team of organizers!) Although I didn't know anyone at first... (I do like adventures like this)... I had made up my mind to enjoy myself - and I did.

How gracious God is... I was able to find my way to the venue of the conference in the morning, and then during our first break-out session, someone sat down next to me... and she randomly said, "I am a final year seminary student..." and that was when we found out that we had something in common! She is another BTS student... like myself... but only in Singapore. Violet is amazing. I honestly don't know how she manages to juggle between MDIV, mummyhood and her ministry.

The food was really good. *sheepish smile* I have come to accept the fact that I am not one with a small appetite. I ate so much, that the aunties seated at my table exclaimed, "Woooaaaaah, you can really eat..."... and I was like, "Yeah...."

No wonder not many guessed that I was 'the Grace' in the powerpoint testimony presented in the morning about my eating disorders... I now look and behave nothing like one who has ever loathed food. But then again, once they knew... it must have been to them a testimony of God's sovereignty and power... to break the chains of ED and to set me free!

However, if Ben reads this, I bet he would just shrug and say, "Told you so..." Coupled with a mischievous grin on his face. *tsk tsk tsk* I am forever trying to protest against his claim that I eat more than him. Of course I do not eat more than him! This is ridiculous...

Subsequently, I thought it was very timely that I came to Singapore for the conference.

Firstly... in the past 2 years, God has been bringing me the message of Elijah, the Ravens, the brook, the widow and Baal at times of great unrest in my soul - through the mouths of different preachers. This year, it is no different. I have been anxious for the past few months about something I couldn't do much about. Today, God brought me the message again - through a Bible study we were doing in one of the break-out sessions... It cut me to the heart; I was deeply moved and recognized that He was telling me to WAIT on Him. I trust that He would somehow make all things fall into place and provide me all my needs.

Secondly, in MBTS chapel this week, our president, Dr. John Ong, preached on Psalm 23. That day, I was half-asleep after a late night... so I caught bits and pieces of the whole sermon... This afternoon, the speaker spoke on Psalm 23 again... elaborating it a little more... and I had a sudden thought in my head... "GOD IS SPEAKING TO ME!!!" Listened intently to the speech... and I found that it addressed my situation, my worries, my doubts, etc... I sensed that He was telling me to wait on Him again!

Right after the conference was over, Aunty ML passed me an envelope which I later realized that God had provided me another month's of supplies. *thankful and touched* It was indeed a beautiful form of assurance for me that God has listened to my prayers. Later, something came up in my conversation with someone... which I felt could imply that God could have started opening some doors... as an answer to our prayers (Ben's and mine).

Surely, His goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

It was also good to meet up with Natalie, a very dear younger sister-in-Christ.

Lord, today I have been very blessed. Thank You, Jesus.

I liked it most here - in Elblag...

Why? I mean, I spent exactly the same amount of time in the south (for JM)... and yet, I don't feel as sentimental leaving JM as I feel leaving Elblag tomorrow. *Sob*

I guess it's the people. Elblag is where I made built the most amazing relationships/friendships... with people who are real. Such a sense of belonging, I felt. Ministry was much less 'flashy' (I don't mean it in a bad way though) than during the Jesus March, when we went from town to town doing concerts and healing services... Here, in the north - we ministered alongside some brothers and sisters from the Elblag Baptist Church (some of whom I grew really close to) - got dirty painting the house of a poor family, did mimes, shared testimonies and sang songs in run-down backyards while curious (and sometimes unfriendly eyes) peered at us, talked to the people in the park in the evenings , did simple things with the orphans in their summer camp... Many times, it was much less comfortable... much more inconvenient... much more embarrassment... and sometimes, I did wonder if we had done enough... but GOD had His way indeed. There were many praise reports to share at the end of each day, our faith was stretched and I thank God so much for giving me the opportunity to meet all the wonderful people here...

I do hope I will meet my brothers and sisters in Elblag again sometime... on this side of eternity.

my week off...

SO thankful for this week of rest I get in the midst of the STCM intensives. It's doing me good just not having to wake up super-early for classes. I'm appreciating the amount of time I have to just chillax in the presence of God, tidy up my home, reflect, have some 'me-alone' time... and even cook nicer meals for myself. XD

People think that seminarians (mostly pastors and church workers in training) are very 'spiritual'... but I realized in the past year, that it is sometimes even more difficult to draw near to God when one is in the seminary. You can get so distracted with all the different events and programs going on, so saturated with head-knowledge and it is incredibly easy to neglect proper QT when the assignment deadlines draw near - or even assume that you've done your QT - when what you've done is just to prepare to lead the next Bible study/to preach the next sermon/to minister to so-and-so... I honestly struggle. I appreciate the equipping God has provided me to undergo... and I love being with the so-called 'spiritual' people (indeed, they are men and women who love God and serve Him very faithfully) - but in actual fact, many of us struggle with the 'spiritual' image (and in a way, expectations), when it is much harder than others can imagine to be spiritual, keep close to God and not be discouraged in the ministry.

Having said that, nobody should feel that his/her vocation is of a lesser/lower calling or second rate or less 'spiritual' compared to that of church workers, pastors, etc. 'Full-time ministry' is in whatever you do on a daily basis that serves the purposes of God in wherever He has placed and called you. If it is washing toilets, changing nappies, driving kids to school, making sure they do their homework, nurturing them, cooking 3 meals per day, working from the home, praying, encouraging your hubby when he comes home tired from work... so be it. May we do it with utmost joy and passion in our hearts...

I use that example because that's probably what I'll do one day - my ultimate ministry, aside from other stuff I've been equipped to do. May I never, never neglect my greatest calling in life for something others deem more 'spiritual' just because I am pressured to do so. Even if I were to lead many Bible studies, do brilliant researches, bring many to know the Lord, serve the troubled and needy and do much with my God-given gifts... I'd still fall short of being a '...good and faithful servant' if my children do not receive enough of mummy's attention that they grow up lacking something that I failed to give them when they were young - just because they did not fit into my schedule of 'important' tasks.

Just a few days ago, I was thinking - if families functioned the way they should; if daddies and mummies strove to be godly and to raise up their children in the ways of the LORD (rather than merely give material gifts bought with overly hard-earned money to keep their children happy); if people made relationships-buildings their priority, even cross-culturally and trans-generationally; if everyone served in church with their various gifts; if everyone was passionate about missions and community work; if everyone took discipleship and their vocation seriously (and I don't mean just earning money - but being missionary in the harvest-fields of the workplaces) - ONLY IF - then the church wouldn't have so much need for fulltime-workers. But of course, we don't live in such an ideal, perfect world.

Wednesday

I am still in Singapore.

In exactly 3 hours, I will leave this land. *Pauses for sentimental reflection* On a comfy coach back to Subang. I am not sure if I should be sad or happy.

Significantly sad - because I will have to leave my close friends behind, and I won't see them again for ages (I am hopefully returning to Singapore soon for a conference in September though). I will definitely miss the convenience of the MRT, the hygiene, the orderliness and efficiency of all systems (yeah, it's so me!)... and...haha, the shopping! Not that things here are any cheaper from those in Penang - but the variety is so much greater! Yes, I have to start doing my assignments for the June deadline! *Dread*

Happy - because it's a good closure to my 3-week break from my seminary studies. It's been the best 3 weeks of the year, really. Also, I am happy, because there's so much more to look forward to. Breakthroughs, wonders, answered prayers, God's provisions, etc.

Tomorrow, I am going to meet up with Jasmine, whom I haven't met in person for 7 years already (actually I have never met her in person... but we have corresponded through blogs, emails and ... strangely, text messages). Can you imagine...it's been 7 years? We are going to have dinner at Mid-Valley Megamall... *Excited* Somehow, God - by His grace - had placed her in my life even when I was much younger in my faith, so that I could minister to her with whatever I could offer - or even when I did not realize it - through my blog... It was through this relationship/friendship, especially in the past year or so, God worked on my character - I learnt (with many failings) much patience, unconditional love and how to empathize kindly with another's suffering. I am also encouraged that God did work in her life through me - not so that I could boast of anything in my many weaknesses, inadequacies and failings - but so that God Himself would be glorified! So yeah - tomorrow, I am going to meet this precious younger sis-in-Christ. Thank God that both of us could make some time to meet-up despite our schedules! Talk about a divine appointment! Nothing happens for no reason. God is a God of purpose.

Happy also because on Friday, I will receive a bear-hug from Ben. *cries with joy* Sweet....

I love, I love...

I will really miss him when he's gone off to the States this Saturday. Please pray that he will have a safe trip there and back.

been busy....

My NTS presentation group-mates at Ban Thai the other day (TK's kind treat)...
Back row from left: Moses, David, TK
Front row from left: Michelle, me :)

I realize I have neglected my blog from last Wednesday. I went 'on strike' on Thursday, was too busy on Friday... and then there were the weekend businesses... Some updates...

On Thursday, I set a roach/lizard trap in my house... because I spotted a creepy-looking roach scuttling across the floors on Wednesday night. Even more geli-fying, it ran over my foot. *Shudders* Today, I found a lizard stuck in it. *Joyful Joyful*... But hor... it looks so icky, that I am not sure how I will discard it with my bare hands. Eeeeee.....

I am still coughing. Although there's no more sore throat, I feel like there's still alot of phlegm down in my chest. Somewhere...

On Friday, my NTS team-mates had a team discussion for NTS group presentation after classes till late-afternoon...

Ben and I went out with Wei Chong and Bee Chin for dinner and a movie in the evening. (Some sort of double-date...) Iron Man 2 was brilliant. I liked it more than Ip Man 2. We enjoyed the company too. Ben chatted with WC, while I with BC. It was a relaxing evening indeed. Praise God for the precious moments spent with our friends.

How I spent Mother's Day this year? Eating KFC with Ben's parents... LOL. They got themselves the KFC alarm clock... with the hilarious ring-tone --> non-stop crowing of the cock... I am not sure if they know how to snooze it.

I've got another youth-talk to prepare for (on the 23rd of May). I seriously do not know what I should speak to them about. Please keep me in prayer. May it be God's message... and not my own. Oh, and also, please pray for our NTS group presentation this Friday. Plus a sermon plan I have to put together by this Friday too.

6 more days to our 2nd anniversary. Yeeeeaaaaaaaay!!! :D

Tuesday

Today, I felt so dreamy in class...

So weird... these few days God has been speaking to me in various ways... about the need for more hours spent working on my piano and writing per day... (of course amongst the many other areas in my life that I have yet to work on) The funniest part was that in chapel today, Dr. Vincent happened to be the one preaching. This was of course the first time I've heard him preach (amazing preacher). Apparently, whenever he preaches, he would use the analogy of a pianist. (Vanessa told me that he plays the piano pretty well too.) Today, he did illustrate his points in that manner. I was pretty blown away by his sermon on the Shermah. But more than that, I felt...

...a call to excel in both style and substance of my musical work. A call to devote myself to a continuous diligent endeavor of stewardship.

Indeed, God deserves and requires the 'unblemished sacrificial lamb' of our work. The very fat. Its first-fruits. Excellence. It isn't about perfectionism or showmanship... but honoring God with the best we can do.

Christians, we've got to constantly check on our worldview. Is our Christian worldview reflected through our work?

Anyway...

Today ushered in a new music project. Thank You God for yet another opportunity to learn and to allow Your glory to be shown. Align my heart and mind with Yours, Lord. Amen.

Weekend's over...

Quite a happening weekend...

Was dragged to attend the EFC leadership summit... Initially I thought I'd 'escape' attending it this year, because I badly wanted a rest - and also because I wanted an excuse to avoid playing the theme song I wrote for the conference...(yeah, a little like Jonah...) :S ~ Actually, the song was inspired by God ler... so I wouldn't say that I came up with it myself. But somehow, the thought of playing it in front of all those datuk-datuk, doktor-doktor, pastor-pastor dan leaders-leaders sekalian made me shudder.

Aihh... didn't get to escape... Although my EFC mates did not succeed in convincing me to go, Ben convinced me to attend the conference on Saturday... saying that it was very good and stuff. I gave in at last. And since we were like both small fry's compared to all the 'giants' out there... we kinda stuck to one another as if we were joined at the hip :P Here he was on the first day of the summit.It was a very good summit btw. Listened to the pastors, teachers, leaders, etc humbly sharing their hearts for the nation and our country, Malaysia...and the passionate work God had enabled them to do in their respective communities - for the poor, victims of injustice, rejected, weak and sick, strengthening the schools which the society has deemed 'hopeless', etc... Amazing. Salt and light to the world, these people are. Dedicated, sacrificial warriors. Seriously, they seem so fearless... even though I know it isn't that easy. I was so inspired.Then hor... a surprise sprang on me. May, one of the organizers of the event, came up and asked me if I could sing and play my composition... instead of the initial plan, whereby the worship leader was supposed to lead the song... @_@' Felt so trapped. The picture above shows me 'bargaining' and in denial... begging... "Must I really...?" Sei mei? :P But upon Ben's encouragement, I decided not to be intimidated or disobedient... and trust God. Wasn't too bad after all. The first time I played and sang the song myself - as a performance. Ben sat around to support me. The second time, I worked together with our very sweet pianist, Eveleen Chan... she played the piano while I led the congregation in the singing of the song.
She did a very good job too! :) Was amazing working with her. I do look forward to any future opportunities to work with her more closely. (How come so many of my pianist friends are Chans?)

Truly appreciate all the sincere encouragement of the people who heard the song (it also certainly blessed me to hear them singing along to it) and very thankful for God's grace and mercy that enabled me to go up there to sing His song without fainting... (Before I played it the first time, I was so scared and faithless, that I thought I'd keel over from hyperventilation and tachycardia...then my legs were trembling like jelly while I was on stage! It certainly did not help that my bladder was FULL on that morning's fluids and coffee...and I didn't have time to make it to the loo before I got on stage...) Also, so humbled by this opportunity I initially tried to run away from... :P An opportunity for God to glorify Himself.

I feel the life coming back. That which I feel I have lost for a long time.

The picture of exhaustion...after a long long day...*PHEW*...This was at Matsuki's, where we dined with some of our CG members that night. Good time of fellowshipping. Love them all.

The very much loved... :)

Sunday... on the way to church

Thursday

Pastoral counseling class again today.

As usual, I had alot of difficulties today. I am really not good at putting many words to emotions. Or expressing myself verbally. Give me music, dance, mime, a shoulder to cry on or a canvas with some oil-paint and a set of brushes... I would show you perfectly... how I feel. Ask me to describe to you how I feel with words... I'd probably take a longer time to think of (1) how I am actually feeling (many times, I can't even pin-point!) and (2) how to word the emotion. Then you'd get pretty general stuff like... emo, stressed, frustrated, happy, confused, etc. Coz I am not even sure that I feel exactly that way. Many times, I feel many different emotions in one go... most of the time, especially if negative, they are all mingled together into some giant mutant gunk clogging up the pipes that attempt to drain them out...I was much worse before I blogged... or got together with Ben. He initially had a difficult time getting the introverted me to express the deeper parts of my feelings verbally even though I had blogged for years, prior to that. And Ben... he's no mind reader. By that time, I could already write him letters/emails to express myself clearly - but I still got stuck when I had to verbalize. Nowadays, I still get stuck sometimes. So I cry all the time... if I am emo, sad, angry, distressed, disturbed, etc. All the tension within me just oozes out through tears. Thank God I can now more naturally say things like, "I am feeling upset..." without bursting into tears first.

If I don't know how to pinpoint my own emotions, can you imagine me trying to pinpoint another person's emotions? Or another person's mutant gunk?!?

We were practicing verbal empathy today... Empathy in pastoral counseling is a little different from empathy in the medical doctor-patient context. Back then, I had a very limited few emotions (of the patients) to deal with. Mostly worry, anxiety, depression, fear and panic I suppose. But gosh, pastoral counseling? It's beyond me!

The counselor is supposed to say, "I see... you are feeling ...*insert emotion*... because *insert reason*." Empathy, btw, is not about feeling sorry or compassionate for another... (there is always a place for compassion in pastoral counseling of course) but rather, empathy is attempting to stand in that person's shoes and identify with his/her emotions. I'm ok with standing in the other person's shoes... but as you can imagine, I am still not good at verbalizing my emotions.... so I can't exactly define the mutant gunk of that person whilst in his/her shoes!

For practice, we were supposed to take turns being the pastor/counselor... and another person tells a sob story, while the last person in the group assesses the pastor/counselor.

When Pam told me her sob story, I actually felt so emotional myself... @_@'... which is a no-no. I felt like NOT being professional and objective. You know this reminds me of the time, when my sister, Zoey, told me her sad sad sad story, and I cried in the cafe listening to her story... when she wasn't even crying... much to her embarassment. The counselee is NOT supposed to have to comfort the counselor, btw. Anyway, when I was supposed to empathize with Pam, I found myself feeling her and sympathizing ~ "Aiyooo...." or "Ohhhh....." but not being able to say, "I see that you are feeling *.....* because *.........*" Of course there were other things I was supposed to use... minimal phrases, paraphrases, summaries, non-verbal language, etc. Verbal empathy was the most difficult.

Thank God, Mrs. Lawson was around. She kindly helped me to do it a little better. I tried it again later...on Winson... and I'm slowly getting the hang of it now. Guess practice makes perfect yeah?

Like I said before, I'd be better off a friend than a counselor.... :P Oklah...at least for now.

...and Monday ends...

Boo hoo! :'(

It's back to Biblical Interpretation tomorrow. Boo hoo. I've gotta see Dr. Lawson about my previous assignment tomorrow (d/t unsatisfactory 'structuring' of Philippians 1:27-30 *sigggggghhh*)... and it will be time to begin on the next assignment - to be handed up next week, Tuesday.

*In denial*

I feel like so far, B.I is my least favorite subject. Seriously. Even though it's necessary...I will be honest here... >.< The most tiring and tedious subject EVER. (I like our lecturer though. He must be such a brilliant man...) But we all know that 'no pain, no gain'... so now while the pain is GREAT and agonizing, let us be faithful and perseverent, that out of this will birth forth good fruits. Mmm....

I'm finding out more and more...that I am NOT a preaching kind of person. Hehehe. As in I don't think God has made me to preach. Give me discipleship anytime...

Thursday

Today a new offer came - which got me pretty nervous 'bout things... coz it's got to do with my future + ministry. A pretty good offer to many - but to me, it just creates a sense of serba-salah-ness because of its goods and not-so-goods. It disrupts my comfort :P (NOT that I am THAT comfortable in my present circumstances... but you know what I mean. I thought I was pretty settled already with the way things are. I am the melancholic phlegmatic that does not adapt too well to changes.)

The offer came with conditions.

Conditions. Can I run away from them? They are consequences of course. Consequences of an offer that will either lead me the right way or the wrong way. I am in a dilemma... because there is inevitably fear of the unknown. What if I take the offer, but cannot cope with the consequences? What if I refuse an offer which was supposed to bring me to the right path? Uncertainties.

O my poor aching head!

I need discernment. For goodness sake, I need to know what's going to happen in my life for the next 2-3 years at least! Plus, now I am attached. It is harder to make a decision. *Groans* If only I were the guy in the relationship :P (Haha... this is where submission comes into the picture, huh?)

I have a whole month to think and pray about it.

Recharged...

Was at church for MLM-training this evening.

It was so good... as always. Gives me a balanced view of things - between the pastoral ministry and evangelism/missions, church ministry and marketplace ministry, servant role and leadership role, etc. I have to say that it's a nice supplement to my seminary equipping. It always challenges me afresh to live my life with purpose too.

I've been working on a song for the Leadership Summit in April... The song took shape by God's grace about 3 weeks ago. After showing it to Pst. R the other day, I was advised to change 2 lines of the song. He specified what he wanted me to put in. For the longest 2 weeks, I had no idea how to fit the words to the original tune of the song. All in all, it was rather humbling. I was quite ready to give up on the task :P

However, I wanna praise God that He provided me a solution TODAY! Just now, I sat behind one lady pastor at MLM (I can't remember her name!)...and my eyes happened to fall on the words on her T-shirt. Actually, they were from a verse from the Bible (Book of Isaiah)... Some of the words were sort of highlighted - and I realized that they helped me to tie in Pst. R's words nicely with the tune of the song! :) Perfecto! Got me humming softly and smiling to myself for the rest of the class - after that light-bulb moment!

Thank You, Lord for making her sit in front of me today.

I'm feeling much better today somehow - after last night's good sleep, God's comfort and a hug from Ben.

Thank you all for praying for me!

Wednesday

Had a sweet, blessed time meeting up with my sister, Rachel, today.

There's indeed nothing like having friends in the Lord, who encourage you to walk steadfastly in Him. I mean, I treasure all friendships and all my friends very much... but somehow... because I love God, friends who inspire me to grow deeper in Him and to live my life faithfully, are beautiful and special in their own way.

Rachel, thanks for making me feel so loved and refreshed. May God continue to grow our friendship! May we always be instruments of encouragement to one another. Love you so much!

I'm still not done with my OT Survey assignments. Hopefully, I'll be able to go 3 quarters of the way (to completion) before dinner - so that I can go for MLM training in church in peace! :D

Arrrgh. Ben's fish, Paul... and prawn, Barnabas... are... dead :( I am so, so, so, so sad....because Mary died just a few days ago. The day, Ben fell sick. (He's recovered btw, praise God!)

A little bit of explaining...

Yesterday, I received a shocking bit of rumor about myself from a sister-in-Christ, who was rather discouraged about it herself...

"Grace Moo can afford to go to Poland, because her family is rich... and she has alot of contacts..."

Woah... *speechless* Firstly, this is the first time ever I've been known to be from a rich family. While I am a little flattered and half-sad that I look that way (if I do), NO, I am obviously not rich. At least not with earthly treasures and wealth. If you knew how my pockets are filled every month, if you've seen the place I now live at (reading my stalker-stories, you should get an idea...), if you knew how my family struggled to put me through the first part of my tertiary education (i.e. med school), etc - you would surely give glory to God.

Yes, perhaps I am rich...but like a brother, Kevin, said to me yesterday, "...in God we are rich..."

Secondly, it shows that you do not know me well - whoever you may be. I may have alot of contacts, but it doesn't mean that all my contacts could afford to contribute to my missions fund. In fact, many of my contacts are so distant (physically and relationship-wise), that I wouldn't even feel comfortable telling them about my needs... and many others are full-time ministry workers themselves, with similar struggles concerning financial support as myself. And no, I didn't email my contacts for money, go around asking for money or give out donation cards, like how we used to raise funds in school. I could have earned the money, but I didn't have the time to do so. I only asked for prayer... and of course, welcomed contributions from anyone who felt led to give. Most of the fund is made up of collected angpows this Chinese New Year (5% of the fund) and random love-gifts from closer circle of brothers and sisters in Christ, who knew that I couldn't afford to do it all by myself - what with my having to save up money for the upcoming months of living expenses and school fees. My beloved covenant sisters in Singapore and US, - Ji, Laura and Jia Lin - also generously blessed me - we support one another on regular basis anyway. Of course, there were a few people that I didn't know very well, who graciously contributed. Probably took them alot of faith. So there you go again, something else to give glory to God for... right?

I am more sad than anything, that this person who told that sister-in-Christ (who is waiting on God for provisions for the mission trip she would be undertaking) this yesterday, failed to see how this would discourage and affect her.

I mean, imagine... if you were waiting on God for provisions, and someone else were to tell you that it is unlikely that it would be so easy for you - because A is different from you, i.e. she is from a rich family and she has so many contacts (when that isn't even half true)... how discouraged would you feel? :( I know I would be discouraged, even though I know at the back of my mind that if it was God who has called me to this mission trip, He would provide all my needs.

People, we've got to watch the words that proceed from our mouths. May those be only edifying ones, which draw others to trust in God.

Monday

Sorry guys, if my blogposts seems to be very unhappening for next 2 weeks... I'm under tremendous pressure to meet datelines, study for exams this week (starts tomorrow) and prepare for MYF youth retreat next week. Already broke (pockets-wise), after the first week of the month. Feeling pong-pong. And my laptop is still down after its revival at Acer... So it's frustrating. Ah, you have no idea...

I so want a new laptop :P

Stressed.

My weekend was ok. I was sick-ish.. Stomach boo-boos and crankiness the whole weekend (I slept whenever I could) - but I had TLC from Ben for that - so that made up for it pretty much! :) I even had choc-chip + cookie-dough ice-cream from Baskin Robbins on Sunday.

Finished writing the song for that upcoming EFCC ministry event. Praise God for the inspiration. Gotta show it to Aunty PS this Wednesday. One more item ticked off my to-do-list. Phew.