11 more days...

To beginning a new journey....*Gullllp*

I am just back from KL. The amount of anticipation, stress and deadlines is almost unbelievable. In the next 12 days, I will have to finish my 1 Cor contextualization project, prepare for a presentation, prepare for the wedding day and make sure I look good on my wedding day!

Only by the grace of God... I tell ya.

But one great thing out of the challenge - we have come much closer to God again. Praise Him, praise Him, praise Him! :) God is for us and with us.

Saturday

All night prayer meeting was good.

Ben and I joined in at 3am. Before that, I was doing my assignments and Ben tried to nap (but kinda failed). We drove to church at 2.45am. It was a cold morning. There were about 12 people in our group.

I am so glad that I didn't fall asleep during prayer. Rather, I believe that God kept me from falling asleep so that I could focus and agree with the things others were praying for. We prayed mostly for our church, the Church in Malaysia, our country, its leaders, etc. Everyone prayed fervently and repentantly. Tears were shed and knees were bruised. I wonder what took place in the heavenlies while all of that was going on... and what the outcome of our prayers would be.

After prayer, Ben and I dropped some people home... and went for a tim sum date. It was a beautiful morning. I have not been up this early on a Saturday morning - for a very long while now. Lol.

After our tim sum date was over, I was rushed home myself (haha), because I had serious problems keeping awake. Fell asleep almost immediately after I put my head down on my pillow. Burned some calories by sleeping for 4 hours plus! :P Went for lunch... and now, we are in Ben's office. He's down in the lab, while I am trying to get into my research paper again. Boooo...

Since I am severely tied for time, I'd better end here and do my work. Looking forward to tonight's dinner at Ananda Bahwan with CG mates! :)

Good Friday

We had a one-hour Good Friday service in the seminary chapel today.

We sang a few hymns, Dr. Lawson preached, the school choir gave us 2 songs... and the highlight of it all (at least for me) was Dr. Matahari leading us in Holy Communion. It was a solemn affair. It made me reflect on the account of the Last Supper - before Jesus was taken away to be crucified. Among His disciples, nobody but one actually truly believed that this would be certainly the final time they would dip their bread into the same cup as Jesus before He was hung on the cross for the sins of the world. Nobody but one. Yes, Judas knew... and He still betrayed Jesus.

However, all was not lost. God makes all things work together for the good of those who love Him, those who have been called according to His purpose. (Rom 8:28) Judas meant it for evil, but God made it good for us. It is because of Christ's death, we no longer have to pay the penalties for our sins. It is because of Christ's resurrection, we are also raised up with Him as victors - no longer condemned for our sins - free to transform, love, serve Him and glorify the Risen King.

My first ever Easter weekend was celebrated in a tiny church back in my hometown - i.e. the Cornerstone Baptist Church (CBC). I remember my fascination, my remorse of Christ's brutal death... and yet, the awesome relief at the mention of His resurrection on Easter morning. May I never lose the wonder of what the Lord Jesus Christ has done for me.

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting lives." (John 3:16)

Maundy Thursday

Thus began Christ's journey from Gethsamane to Golgotha more than two thousand years ago.

I have been a Christian for the past 10 years. Before that, I often wondered what Good Friday and Easter were all about. Parties, chocolate, easter eggs and bunnies?

Obviously not.

I guess some of you, Malaysians know Shila's beautiful song - "Memori Tercipta". Somehow, when I listened to it today, it brought out a different meaning for me all together - even though this wasn't the original reason the song was written. I found myself standing in the shoes (or rather hung up by the cruel nails) of one of the two criminals crucified next to the Savior of the world. No, not the mocking one. The other one.

Having experienced a touch of God's grace through Christ and having heard the beautiful words, pregnant with hope - "Truly I tell you, today you will be with Me in Paradise" (Luke 23:43)... oh, could it be that the words of this song echoes the final yet grateful beats of his heart as it was laid to rest?

Bergetar jiwa di persada bercahaya...

Pertemuan harapan pertama kalinya

Bergetar jiwa menghadapi mimpi-mimpi

Sukar dipercaya pintunya terbuka..

Di sini jua memori tercipta...

Walau seketika terjalin kasih kita

Mungkin di sini kita kan terpisah..

Kenangan bersama tiada ku lupa...

Mengalun suara sesuri bisikan hati

Seiringan mencari haluan berseni

Bergetar jiwa menghadapi mimpi-mimpi

Tiada ku terduga pintunya terbuka...

Yang terpahit juga termanis

Semuanya bagiku terindah

Ku ingati buat selama-lamanya

Mungkin di sini kita kan terpisah

Kenangan bersama...x3

Tiada kulupa...

Sorry - to those who do not understand Malay, I don't have time to translate the lyrics to English. (If anyone else will be so kind to translate the song into English for the sake of my non-Malaysian readers, I'd be so grateful!) You can still listen to the song by clicking on HERE.

Tuesday

Still stressed and depressed. But I'm gonna say a prayer before I go to bed and hope that God will make things much better tomorrow, somehow.

I think it's during times like these, I feel like just running away from everything and everyone. I just wanna be alone. To mope in my dark cave a while. And to savor chocolate like there is no tomorrow. Serious.

Quarter-life crisis, I gather. It doesn't help that my Knight in A Shining Armor is in a transition himself. I can feel so inadequate to support him sometimes. Oh, can't I just kick open a door for him? Or march around a fortified city for seven days? Or part the Jordan River? No, I am just a weak lady, with little faith at times. Like now. I only can hope for God's mercy. I am so tired.

Then I remembered today, that I've got crazy dreams myself which I don't know if they will ever materialize. It makes me quite sad.

Sorry for the sappiness of my blog post. I can even write a song out of this. Omg, do I need anti-depressants?

Tuesday

The beginning of a school week. I had issues falling asleep last night (my brain unfortunately went over-time, ruminating on my 1 Corinthians application project and why I could not solve some major problems with it) and so I woke up this morning feeling like my eyes were going to pop out of their sockets! Oh yeah... *Sobs*

I need more quiet time. I have to keep reminding myself that God is really with me all the time, even though I cannot see or feel Him tangibly... and believe... that even when my heart fails, He would strengthen me so that I would be faithful. Yes, more than anything, O God... guard my heart, for it is the well spring of life. Let my heart never cease to hold Your peace and so that my eyes would never cease to see that You are good and faithful. Overwhelm me with the grace You showed Hannah in her distress.

Anyway...

What's next on my wedding prep agenda (for this week)

1. Bulletins
2. See the florist on Friday
3. Bridal house appointment on Friday - to look at our picture album and select floral bouquet designs and car-deco designs...
4. Choose wedding dress on Saturday (well, the last round, I didn't find one that I liked)
5. Submit ROM documents to Rev. Ng - probably tomorrow
6. Send final shout-out to RSVP guests
7. Bank-in money for honeymoon reservation
8. ....

Stressed....

I am psychologically and emotionally stressed.

My assignments are all piling up, deadlines are upcoming... and gosh, I seem to have so many appointments each weekend. My weight is fluctuating thanks to weird hormonal reactions and resulting water retention bloats. I have been bugged by flatulence and allergic conjunctivitis. Also, my expenses this month are sky-rocketing for various reasons. (Dunno why all my creams must choose to finish in May...Sigh... bad timing.)

Lumped together, it just looks and feels like one massive undifferentiated, localized tumor - on my blog-post. Bleargggh... ;P I so can't wait for my holiday in May - and honeymoon vacation with my hubby! :)

On top of all these - wedding preparations have to go on. Ben and I took advantage of the Jaya Jusco Member Fiesta over the past weekend, and bought our marriage beddings (pillows, duvet, covers, etc.) at greatly reduced prices! Thank God for the provisions. Saw Pastor Woo on Sunday to talk about the Wedding bulletins. It was a good chat actually - which extended to our callings and vocations. Ben and mine. Pastor Woo prayed for us at the end of our long conversation.

Anyway, we watched the animation, Rio, on Saturday night. It was so funny. I'd highly recommend that movie as a stress-buster!

A praise report, amidst the stressful overtone of this blog-post: one of my prayers (for a friend) was answered on Saturday. What a miracle it was. Thank You, God!

Thursday

Yesterday evening, I had dinner with my dear sister and friend, Rachel Chan. Dinners with her are becoming more of a regular thing now. We were from the same PCC cell group, back in my university days. Later, I chose to join a cell group in the church I serve in (Trinity Methodist Church Penang) thanks to my now-fiance's kind invitation - but Rachel and I continued to keep in touch and occasionally go out for dinner together. Other than a common desire to be godly and God-fearing, we also share a passion for good reads - so we've always exchanged books (and as for me, I've been reading books off her mum's book shelf too). In the past 3 years, both of us have been facing our own difficulties and hardships. Many similar ones too. However, we could find comfort confiding in one another and were strengthened by each other's prayers - so we believe that God placed us in one another's lives for an incredible reason! Because Rachel has been such an awesome friend, I am making her the pianist for my wedding march-in in May.

Anyway...


I am trying on my wedding gown this evening.

TOCT conference is right after school tomorrow and the Projek Harap Fund-raising Dinner is tomorrow night - when I will be dressed in a Kebaya, smiling brightly at the guests as an usher. Haha. *Geeky look*

So bloated for the past few days. Especially my tummy. I have no idea why. In fact, I feel like I am pregnant. LOLx.

Of course I am not.

Random thought - I need a hair makeover. But at the moment, I will have to be content - till our expenditures are not quite as heavy. I did tell a few of my friends that I'll butcher my hair SHORT after I get married... but now, I am changing my mind a little on the short part. Hm, we shall see.

Have to get back to my many assignments. I am so screwed with regards to time management. I feel like it's alot of "fire-fighting" lately - dealing with urgent stuff and not the less urgent but as important stuff. Really need God's help in this.

Little joys of living in a "high-density" block

I live in a low-cost, high-density block of flats.It is a glimpse of "One Malaysia" for you. Regardless of our races, we still exchange smiles in the elevators, greet each other at the mamak stalls downstairs, chuckle at one another's babies and such. In many ways, I am glad that I am not just surrounded by the people of my own kind. Because I still feel "alien" as a Chinese here in Penang, not being able to understand and fluently speak their local dialect - Hokkien... except if it is anything pertaining to food. Haha. *Sheepish grin*

We are also surrounded by much religious activity. Most of my neighbors are either the Muslims whose prayers are loudly proclaimed through the Surau's loud-speakers... or the Taoists whose temple glows fiery red in the dark of the night... or the Hindus who ring bells and burn incense as their way of devotion. Then of course, there is a handful of us that fit into the category "D.L.L" (dan lain-lain) - Christians, Jehovah Witnesses, etc. Perhaps there are more Christians in my block than I can really tell. However, it is sad... we hardly see one another around.


Anyway...

Last night, I went into my little room, closed the door - and sat upon my bed while giving out a loud sigh and complaining to the Lord about something on my heart. I cannot remember what I said exactly - but it must have been something along the lines of "...O God, please tell me where I am going..." Perhaps, I was not quite as meek - it could also have been, "O God, open a door, PLEASE!"

Silence was the answer. After that little rant, I began reading my book.

A moment later, an unknown male voice began singing out of the blue. I couldn't decipher the words - it must not have been in English. Now, usually, I just ignore the voices I hear - because I don't like eaves-dropping on my neighbors' conversations (and quarrels)! But yesterday night, I felt that I HAD to listen to the tune properly. So I sat very still. To my surprise, it was a tune I knew - the melody of the hymn, "He Leadeth Me".

Of course it was in another language. But I recognized the hymn! I was amazed! Ran out of my room and tried to make out where the voice came from - but it grew fainter - so I returned to my room - and continued to enjoy the rest of the singing! :D

I couldn't remember on the spot what the hymn conveyed, so looked it up in my hymnal. These were its lyrics in English:

He leadeth me! O blessed thought,
O words with heav'nly comfort fraught;
Whate'er I do, where'er I be,
Still 'tis Christ's hand that leadeth me.

He leadeth me! He leadeth me!
By His own hand He leadeth me;
His faithful follower I would be,
For by His hand He leadeth me.

Sometimes 'mid scenes of deepest gloom,
Sometimes where Eden's bowers bloom,
By waters still, o'er troubled sea,
Still 'tis His hand that leadeth me.

Lord, I would clasp Thy hand in mine,
Nor ever murmur or repine;
Content, whatever lot I see,
Since it is Thou that leadest me.

And when my task on earth is done,
When, by Thy grace, the vict'ry's won,
E'en death's cold wave I will not flee,
Since Thou in triumph leadest me.

As you can probably imagine, I went back to my room very, very encouraged and comforted. I don't think it was a co-incidence, because I have lived in this house for close to 3 years now- quarrels I have heard, ABRSM piano songs I have heard - but a hymn in the night I have NEVER heard. Such sweet and beautiful words my Lord brings me in my time of confusion and trial!

I wonder if that brother in Christ knew that his randomness would bless and encourage me. Perhaps, he had felt led by the Lord to burst into such jubilant singing! :) Or he too, like me, could have been greatly needing the Lord's leading in his life - and was singing the hymn as a song of faith unto Him.

God lives, I tell you! And I am assured that He loves me so.

Thursday

In class, we were sharing in groups of twos, how we discerned God's will for various aspects of our lives (especially ministry - because the class is supposed to be on "The Person/Life of the Pastor").

Pam (my partner) and I are so familiar with each other that we did not want to talk about our calling into ministry again. Hehe. Instead, she bugged me to talk about how Ben and I discerned that it is God's will for us to walk together someday, as husband and wife.

I don't think I'd make it my sharing here, but telling Pam all about it did remind me of God's faithfulness in our relationship. Ben and I have been through hard and rough times indeed, in which we did consider breaking up. We have struggled with one another's weaknesses and fought over plenty of things. Silly things too. However, God did see us through and He kept us together - beautifully, miraculously and surely. He made us strong. Today, we are one another's best friend. Ben is not a perfect man (or he would be Jesus :P) - but he is indeed a man that I am deeply in love with and cannot wait to marry.

Thank You, Lord... for Your grace that is all-sufficient, always...

Finishing well

Funny. Last night, I was talking to Ben about "finishing well".

Today, I was supposed to be attending a class on 'The Life of the Pastor' (TLOTP). However, the TLOTP students were unexpected made to join another class (just for today) - which is on "Finishing Well" by Rev. Dr. Mark Chen. All because so many pastors drop out from serving their call due to various discouragements.

I did not sign up for this class, because it is an elective - and I am in a dire need of finishing my core subjects if I want to graduate this year. But I thank God for the opportunity to attend at least the first day of "Finishing Well".

Because it is so hard to think of finishing well when you are in some sort of plateau. Or when you have been waiting and waiting and waiting to clear some obstacle. Or uncertainty for that matter. Yes, you took the first step. Responded to God's call. Explosively and radically even. Despite the odds. And now that you are on a spiritual journey to fulfilling your life vocation, you suddenly arrive at River Jordan. Cross it? But it's swift and dangerous at this time of time of the year. Flood season. Will it ever end?

Perhaps, I am not quite at River Jordan. But today, I found myself asking ME this question, "Will you finish the race, where God has called you to run?" No, I lie. Actually, I have been asking myself this question from time to time. Today marks the umpteenth (and probably more than umpteenth) day. Because I get disillusioned way too easily. In instances of discontentment, I get distracted. Sometimes, I get lazy with my QT. Or peeved at people. Then I plateau. I swing in between wanting to do God's will... and wanting everything to be convenient. Sigh....

I don't know at all if I will finish well. But I hope I will be faithful. Faithfulness is not just the way to finish well, but it is finishing well.

O God, answer my prayer! Take my feet out from the miry clay and set 'em on solid rock!

It is OK to cry...

I think it is much healthier to teach boys that it is all right to cry... of course for the right reasons.

I am not talking about tantrums that grow into the immature whines of a grown-up man.

But...A man who isn't able to emotionally response to injustice, righteous anger or a touch from the Holy Spirit through tears doesn't appeal much to me somehow. Even Jesus cried.

Coz everytime my man cries, I am moved to a deeper level of intimacy with God myself. Coz I know too well, that God is listening to him. And I'd be inspired to cry out to God in my secret place too.

And God listens to your cries too. So, just cry and let it all out to Him. May His comfort make you strong to walk one more step, live another day... and sincerely give, even when your takers take your gift for granted. Coz God sees... and He will bless you in secret.

Loving yourself is...

Today, I happened to walk past rows and rows of pretty shoes, going at a discounted price. The girl in me drooled. Of course, I did not buy new shoes. I just drooled.

I looked at the many closed-toe sandals on sale - and a part of me wished that the shape of my feet weren't so weird that I could wear them without pain and causing further deformity to my feet.

And then this thought suddenly came to mind. I believe it must have been God-inspired, somehow.

Part of loving yourself is accepting that not all things are meant to go well with you... and that you do not have to possess all things to be of value.

For me, I will have to accept that I will never have much opportunity to wear closed-toe sandals (unless they happen to provide ample toe-space - which elegant ladies' shoes almost never, nowadays). I will have to accept that certain clothes would never look good on my pear-shaped body, certain shades of make-up will never match my skin (unless I had enough time to maintain a tan), certain hairstyles would never suit the shape of my face (despite how much I like 'em)... and I'll always have to steer clear of sleeves that make my arms look big(ger). I am not putting myself down when I accept that I will never achieve my goal of being extremely svelte without killing myself. Coz I was made to have curves. According to an awesome, divine plan.

And when you accept that not all things fit or sit well with you, you can finally rule them out of your "to get" list. And you would finally be able to appreciate the very things God has made you to enjoy and find fulfillment in... and ultimately, the way God has made you.

I know some people just love to push themselves. I am not saying that they are wrong to do so.

In fact, we should be excellent in everything we do. Scale the highest mountains we can ever scale. Serve God with your fullest potential and passion. Conquer your greatest fears and challenges if you like. But we will always have our unique limitations. Physically especially, since we live in our bodies - and relational-wise, since God made us to function and grow within our relationships with people. I never respected my limitations before. I thought they were namby-pamby nuisances. And so I stopped caring for them. That is when I hurt those who loved me, I lost my health... I stopped loving myself, I lost respect for myself... and ultimately, I lost myself.

Mark 8:36 - "For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world, and forfeit his soul?"

Forfeiting one's soul indicates a failure in recognizing God's brilliant design for one's being, his/her limitations and yet the ultimate fulfillment of being contented in one's possessions, beauty, gifts and life purpose. In short, a person who forfeits his/her soul has never loved himself/herself... and therefore, has never been able to fully appreciate his/her Creator. If you cannot fully appreciate your Creator and thus, cannot be close to Him, you will never be able to live according to His purposes (coz you can never trust Him enough and your own agenda takes over).

And when the wrong purposes drive our lives...where do you think we will end up? I just think that I would be always unhappy. Always running after the wrong things - and when I finally obtain them, I would still be unhappy and never satisfied somehow.

So what does it profit you to gain the whole world and forfeit your soul?

Absolutely nothing.

Tuesday

Back to MBTS after a whole week of M.I.A - feasting, shivering in skimpy dresses (don't worry - it wasn't THAT skimpy. The dresses just felt skimpy because the weather was freezing), hanging out with Ben and my friends, traveling and shopping. Mmm... pure bliss.

Boy, the vacation was so good while it lasted. I even began missing school! Now that I am back to school, I feel that my life is moving on. Sooner than I think, I will be leaning on the arm of my dad, walking down the aisle at church, dressed in white and cradling pretty flowers in my hands. And my bridegroom is gonna kiss me in front of the entire church. *squeal* How awesome... :P

I am not even sure how am I to prepare for that day. Honestly. It's like gosh, in 2 months! How time flies.

Today, a thought came to me: I really need to talk to God more. If I don't feel that I can adequately express myself to God verbally, then I should write. Coz I can only have one lifesource - Jesus Christ. Do I spend enough time drawing my life from Him? Am I truly alive today?

Jesus, may my delight in Your goodness
be an everyday affair
Be Thou my strength and portion,
and Your feet, the altar for my cares...

Self issues...

Today, while doing my Christian Ethics reading, I was struck by a few thoughts.

First and foremost this: we will one day have to account before God for our stewardship upon earth.

Too often, we emphasize on stewardship of our money, gifts and talents, work, responsibilities etc... but we forget that our bodies are too - part of the gifts God made us stewards over.

This problem applies to many spiritual leaders too. (I have lost count of physically burnt out pastors, as well as those who seem to think that they should work themselves to the bone and deny their need for a healthy lifestyle, balanced diet, adequate sleep and exercise, regular check-ups and holidays!)

Secondly, we often forget that love of oneself flows out from our primary love for God. We are as responsible to love ourselves as we are to love others. I don't mean some narcissistic or other wrong forms of self-love... but more likely - self-acceptance...nurture of our bodies... the delight in pursuing continuous growth intellectually, emotionally and spiritually... the enthusiasm to develop what comes natural to us... the participating in meaningful activities (and hobbies) that contribute to a sense of worth, fulfillment and purpose in life... AND exercising our right to do work that God has given us the passion to do. These may all sound controversial to self-denial - but honestly, can one truly deny oneself to express great love for others from an un-enriched state? Can we joyfully care for others without self-care and coming to grips with our own fragilities?

Can an empty cup further empty itself by giving out water to the thirsty?

We are relational beings. And therefore, I believe this: Only when we are right in our relationship with God and at home with ourselves can we truly form meaningful relationships with others. Thus Jesus summarized all the duties of man in both the Old and New Testament:

"Thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it: Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself." (Matt 22:37-39; Mark 12:30-31)

When you are alone

...and I mean alone in your struggles/sufferings...

~ may it be not a wasted moment.

When nobody else seems to be able to relate to us, we are allowed to grieve. But don't stop there. Walk the extra mile, no matter how difficult the first step. Reach out to the unseen divine presence, even when death seems imminent. Grope around for the switch - snap on the lights and it will flood out the grim darkness of your alcove. God and God alone will not deny an ailing child his/her comfort and reassurance. And such lonely grieving will be transformed into private bonding as between two lovers - only this time, between one and his/her Maker - the eternal Lover.

My Lord, my God! May I know You more in my suffering. May my heart be steadfast. May this time of anxiety bear lasting fruits of peace, contentment and faith. In Jesus' name, amen.

Christian Ethics and Book of Joshua

I've begun two new classes today. And I've gotta say... I think I already love 'em... :)

Sipping green tea and checking emails after returning home from school, lunch and a round of grocery-shopping at Tesco's. Ah, there's nothing like resting my feet against the cool slabs of floor-tiles of my humble abode, clad in a comfy set of 'home-clothes' - after a long day out. Thank God for a shelter like this - even though it isn't anywhere near grand. It is indeed decked with sentimental value, fruit of many labours of love and God's provisions.

Played piano in chapel service again today, accompanied by Winson's drumming. The touch of the smooth keys and my fingers sweeping over them filled me with awe and wonder of God. It is mesmerizing how He invented 'muscle-memory' so that the fingers of a pianist always seem to have a life of their own when poised over the keyboard - capable of the most intricate maneuvers, knowing where exactly on the keyboard to land even while one's heart worships the Almighty Creator. Although my mind couldn't focus much on the words of the hymn we sang (sometimes, so eager are we, musicians, to appreciate the music that we overlook the words of the songs ~ :P), it already sufficed for me that I could express the overflow of my heart by providing the singing-congregation musical accompaniment!

Here is the lyrics of the hymn we sang in chapel today (written by Fanny Crosby). Indeed, God be praised!

Praise Him! Praise Him! Jesus, our blessèd Redeemer!
Sing, O Earth, His wonderful love proclaim!
Hail Him! hail Him! highest archangels in glory;
Strength and honor give to His holy Name!
Like a shepherd, Jesus will guard His children,
In His arms He carries them all day long:

Refrain

Praise Him! Praise Him!
Tell of His excellent greatness.
Praise Him! Praise Him!
Ever in joyful song!

Praise Him! Praise Him! Jesus, our blessèd Redeemer!
For our sins He suffered, and bled, and died.
He our Rock, our hope of eternal salvation,
Hail Him! hail Him! Jesus the Crucified.
Sound His praises! Jesus who bore our sorrows,
Love unbounded, wonderful, deep and strong.

Refrain

Praise Him! Praise Him! Jesus, our blessèd Redeemer!
Heav’nly portals loud with hosannas ring!
Jesus, Savior, reigneth forever and ever.
Crown Him! Crown Him! Prophet, and Priest, and King!
Christ is coming! over the world victorious,
Pow’r and glory unto the Lord belong.

Refrain

You can listen a Youtube presentation of the hymn here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BB27OjUFZjs

Where, O God?

Is it a land filled with heart-broken souls

or a village of the poor and oppressed

Where the rich are choked by their own riches

or among Your earnest, praying for rest?

Is it those who refuse to eat what they are fed

or those whose appetites are never satisfied?

Lord, lead me... for I know not

and can neither walk on - till You guide.

Of a crazy dream...

Galatians 1:1. This verse often sobers me: "Paul, an apostle - sent not by human commission nor by human authority, but by Jesus Christ and God the Father, who raised Him from the dead...."

Since 2004, I've always had an inkling of my life-calling. I remember the one fine day, when Cyn, Esther and I were seated comfortably in the dining room of my student pastor's house at Harold's Cross... Mike Groenewald asked us to go home, pray and think over this question: "If money were not a concern to you... and if nothing tied you down, what or where do you see yourself in 10 years time?"

As young 19-year-olds and 20-year-olds, we laughed. But homework is homework. We obediently went home to pray and ponder on Mike's question.

This was a crazy (and dangerous) question that changed my life. Sometimes, I wondered why God had to make Pastor Mike my spiritual mentor. I wondered why he had to ask us that question right smack in the middle of my medical studies. Why then? Why didn't someone ask me the same question before I went to Dublin? Because my answer to Mike's question was a crazy dream that had nothing to do with what I had in mind when I started out pursuing a career in medicine. Plus I had no idea then - how I was going to reach the crazy dream. I won't say what it is yet... but many of you do know what it is already.

It is approaching 7 years since I presented Mike my jaw-dropping answer. Well, except his jaw did not drop. In fact, he had expected it. Of all the medical students he had been working with (most of the students in the church I attended at Temple Bar, Dublin were keen and focused medical students), he had already discerned that I wouldn't quite achieve the ambition which I thought I had in common with the rest.

God was very merciful. So that I would continue studying medicine till I graduated (despite knowing the truth - i.e. I wasn't ever going to be a clinician), God sent a random prophet and wise church leaders to tell me to be faithful till the season was over. And when the season finally came to a close after 3 years (and I passed my finals by God's grace), God sent me a wonderful man (Ben) to convince me to remain in Penang and work a while at Trinity. While my work contract was coming to an end, Pastor Jeya suggested that I do a theological degree at MBTS. Looking back, I know for sure that I had been sent not by human commission not by human authority... but by Jesus Christ and God the Father, who raised Him from the dead.

Nevertheless, even dreamers grow tired and weary. I know the Bible doesn't mention that Joseph sighed while he was in prison, but I feel that he could well have - because Joseph was as human as I am today. I admit that I have been tired and weary myself. To this day, I still ask myself often if my 'detour' was worth it. Or if I have wasted years away? Or if I had been a fool. A fool for God, yes... but a fool nevertheless. Haha. But well... could Joseph have ever imagined while eating bland prison food and sleeping on a hard bed... that someday, he would be put in charge of the whole land of Egypt by the Pharaoh... and his crazy dreams would then come to pass?

My dream is probably not as huge as Joseph's. I never dreamed of sheaves of grain bowing down to my sheaf of grain... or the members of the Solar System bowing down to me! But my dream is crazy nevertheless. And I believe that if you, my readers, pray to Jesus and think over the same question Pastor Mike asked me, you might receive crazy dreams from God too. Pray, try. The S.H.A.P.E course is a good start to understand your life's purpose. Or else, write down on a piece of paper - your natural talents, spiritual gifts, inward desires to serve God and burdens, fruits, recognition and affirmation especially from those who know you, passions and convictions, what part of serving God fulfills and satisfies you, current circumstances, past experiences and people who have shaped your life and life opportunities...

Having understood your life purpose, can you now dare to dream a big dream that only God can bring to pass if He wills?

Don't worry if you don't get the big picture straightaway - my crazy dream has been filtered and revamped by God so many times, that it is a little different from its original form 7 years ago. Also don't worry if you have dreamt big dreams... and despaired over the fact that you have too little and are too small to reach for it. Because if your dream is bigger than yourself, i.e. too great to achieve on your own, then God has to be the author and perfecter of the dream... according to His will.

Like I said, it has been 7 years since I 'dreamed' the dream, but honestly, anyone that looks at my life can see that if God had not authored the dream ultimately, I would have been classified as delusional and schizophrenic. I look forward to behold what the 10th year brings.

I have a dream. Do you?

Wednesday

Had breakfast with Ai Hua this morning. What a great catch-up session - what grace God unleashes through amazing friendships like this one! We are relational beings indeed. Can anyone survive without the staple of human fellowship and relationships? Even God saw that it was not good for Adam to be alone. Love... expressed and received... is the elixir of life. It brings out the best in you and me. Love never fails.

Anyway...

I believe that the winter season of my life has passed away into spring. From a cold, stifling silence into a comforting serenity - the quiet in my heart has turned. From trudging in knee-high snow and the uncertain shuffling - my steps are breaking into Chassés. I feel that I have grown stronger... and yet, I have grown less. May Christ keep increasing.