Grace Points

Married and Moving... :)

2011-05-24T15:43:00.003+08:00

Dear readers, this will be my final blogpost on this blog...

I will be moving to a new address : woollylifestock.blogspot.com . You are however still most welcome to browse my older posts... Otherwise, I will hear from you at my new blogging place. :)

1 more day...

2011-05-13T01:19:00.000+08:00

What a mix of emotions that is flooding my heart! From nerves to excitement to anxiety to joy to eagerness to fear to etc, etc, etc...

We did a rehearsal in church last night. Ben and I blushed and giggled while Pastor Woo led us through our vows. I hope I won't be geeky on that day. Decos will start tonight. A few of my close seminary girlfriends are giving me a bridal shower. But yes, I still have to be at school till lunch time.

BTW, I'll be starting a new blog pretty soon, after I am married. The blog address is yet to be revealed, coz I have not completed the profile part yet. Haha. My sister, Zoey, designed the face of it, so I am very excited to be blogging there - in the coming new chapter/season of my life. I'm not sure if I will be still keeping to Grace Points. What do you think? :)

Packing for my sleepover tomorrow.

2 more days...

2011-05-12T15:20:00.000+08:00

...before we make our wedding vows before God and our honored guests.

Honestly, I would take off my hat to any couple who has gone through the major stresses of preparing for their own wedding... and GOSH, wedding coordinators as well. It is really no child's play.

When Dr. Matahari said marriage is one of the top potential sources of psychological stress any person could go through, I laughed and didn't believe him. But I lift my hands in surrender now.

Furthermore, my wedding is supposed to be quite simple and straightforward - I cannot imagine myself in the shoes of those who have to prepare for lavish dinner receptions. I'd have to take a week off before my wedding to relax... or something.

Getting married on the first day of your school holiday was supposed to be cool. But I guess, I conveniently ignored the fact that I'd be stressed out rushing for deadlines at the end of term. Hee hee. Anyway, praise God... that part is over. I've triumphed!:)

Now, I've to figure out how not to look haggard on my big day.

3 more days...

2011-05-11T11:59:00.006+08:00

...to the celebration of our 3rd anniversary as a couple... :') ~ thank You God!

Today I'm clearing out the wardrobes and drawers... so that Ben's possessions can make themselves at home in them...

I wonder how it will be living the married life. My friends were joking at school today - it's really time for me to "take off the old self and put on the new self"... No wonder the Bible likens the relationship between Christ and His Church to a holy, divine marriage. Every Christian is called to "take of the old self and put on the new self" - to live a new life upon receiving Christ as Lord and Savior. No more to return to his/her past sins and shame, as God had paid the ultimate price for our redemption from our deadly wages. To be transformed into a new creation... citizens of a nation - Christ's bride.

4 days more...

2011-05-10T16:16:00.003+08:00

...and we are in need of prayers!

Some of our wedding helpers are currently ill or falling sick. I find it so weird that everything should happen in one go. Is this a spiritual attack or what??? Anyway, yeah. Please pray with us... For things to go smoothly as planned ....For journey mercies for my relatives who are traveling up to Penang from KL this Friday... For our guests who have confirmed their attendance (some are going to be traveling up from Singapore and KL) ... For our helpers to be protected and to be of good health... And lastly, for Ben and I, Grace - who are extremely stressed with 101 things (wedding- and non-wedding related).

But, yaay, praise God...my 1 Corinthians 8-10 presentation is OVER! :) And it went quite well too. Even though I stuttered and stammered in the beginning (as usual - like the car engine that refuses to start-up in the mornings :P) ... my lecturer still gave me good feedback. I feel... encouraged. :))))

Today, I am a bit lost, because I suddenly feel that load of my contextualization project is GONE. So hm, let's see...it's time to get ready for the wedding!

5 more days...

2011-05-09T13:34:00.003+08:00

...and our last weekend as singles is truly over.

Just a recap of the weekend:

1. We signed our legal papers
2. Had lunch with Tairven and Wee Lyn
3. Attended our wedding helpers' briefing session
4. I nearly fried my brain working on the 1 Corinthians 8-10 Contextualization Paper (obviously it was much harder than I had expected it to be... =_=)
5. Went to church
6. Received a new 2-seater, black beauty of a sofa into our marriage nest-to-be.
7. Celebrated Mother's Day with Ben's mum

6 more days...

2011-05-08T22:25:00.004+08:00

...and Mother's Day today.

To the many mothers in my life - spiritual, in-law, etc... thank you for mentoring and lovingly guiding me to where I am today. In prayer, in tears and with endless sacrifices. I aspire to be courageous, thoughtful, godly and tender like all of you. May God continue to increase in your lives. Love you, mamas... :')

My beloved M.I.L. :)

7 days more...

2011-05-07T16:53:00.002+08:00

...but I'm legally a Mrs. Wong now... *grins*

We signed the ROM papers today, with Tairven and Wee Lyn as our witnesses. Subsequently, the 4 of us had lunch at DeliCious before returning to church for our wedding helpers briefing.

Thanks for the treat, T + WL! :P Even though we had planned to go for lunch with you both...so that we could belanja. Coz we are so so so very thankful for your kindness and help.

It was Ben's and my first time in Straits Quay btw.

8 more days... TGIF!!!!

2011-05-06T13:58:00.005+08:00

...to a much-awaited union...

Terrible neck and back pains greeted me this morning. After yesterday's late, late night - (and so many previous late nights), I am not surprised. Oh let me find my joy and strength in God.

My contextualization paper is so messed up. I have no idea how to remedy it. Plus... I have to present it on Tuesday too!!! *Screams* At times like these, I usually ask myself - "What on earth made you choose such a topic?!? Were you out of your mind?"

But that is me. Always up for a good challenge. I'd better be responsible for my own decisions indeed.

Ben called me last night and made me crack up on one of the boo-boos he made. Apparently my amazing fiance wrongly directed a text message he was supposed to send me (with some endearing terms in it too >.<" - thankfully not much though) to the wrong Grace. And this Grace happens to be our former pastor's wife. Imagine how traumatized Ben was. In a panic-stricken voice, he went: "Pst. J is going to kill me...."

Hahahahaa......so funny.

OK, I'd better get back to my work. How time flies.

9 more days...

2011-05-05T14:08:00.003+08:00

...to having a new ring on my finger - a symbol of our holy covenant before God.

Was a little depressed last night over our delayed honeymoon plans (even though it's only for a few days) due to Ben's work requirements. So I gave in to a little mindless nom-noming in front of the telly. The potato chips were too salty and gave me a sore throat. I promise not to do it again. >__<|| Also not to buy that brand a second time.

But well... my assignments are getting on. It is growing more and more difficult to churn out long, detailed sentences when there are so many things on my mind. I only can rely on God's grace.

Today's a new day. I had a thought on my mind whilst sitting in class.

Our environment - social and physical - shapes our motivation. For example, if you always hang out with a group of lazy bums, you'd become a lazy bum yourself... devoid of the motivation to work and make good use of your life. I am not saying that we should turn our backs on the lazy-bums. We just need to make more friends who are not lazy-bums. Another example - if you always stay away from the mall and other money-spending places, you'd be less motivated to shop and spend money. Haha. The cravings may come once in a while - but you'd have pretty good control over them...and they'd eventually disappear. I know... coz everytime I visit rural places and spend days there, I'd be more motivated to save my money and not spend 'em unnecessarily on my wants.

I think there can be never too much time to spend with the people who yearn to serve God and those who are full of vibrant faith.

10 more days...

2011-05-04T12:01:00.003+08:00

...to a change of status.

Well technically it's 3 more days to a change in my legal status. I will be recorded in the JPN as "married" to a certain Mr. Wong. Hehe. But it's not official till our pastor solemnizes our marriage and we read our wedding vows in church next week. My fiance has yet to unveil me... and kiss me in the presence of God and our dear guests. After that, we will be indeed truly married.

Did I mention that I am extremely thankful for the help of our friends? Especially our wedding coordinator - Wee Lyn. Ben and I were at her place last night, sorting out all the details of the wedding plan - till past 1 am. Gosh. I can't imagine us doing everything on our own!

11 more days...

2011-05-03T12:00:00.003+08:00

To beginning a new journey....*Gullllp*

I am just back from KL. The amount of anticipation, stress and deadlines is almost unbelievable. In the next 12 days, I will have to finish my 1 Cor contextualization project, prepare for a presentation, prepare for the wedding day and make sure I look good on my wedding day!

Only by the grace of God... I tell ya.

But one great thing out of the challenge - we have come much closer to God again. Praise Him, praise Him, praise Him! :) God is for us and with us.

Wednesday

2011-04-27T16:40:00.004+08:00

Where am I going in life?

Feel so lost.

So in need of a breakthrough.

Another major deadline met...

2011-04-27T03:13:00.002+08:00

*Phewwww*

I am going to attempt to finish my contextualization project by Friday... although I doubt that I'd go that far, since I am your typical perfectionist.

Absolutely need to gear up now... we are going back to KL this weekend, my wedding is in a little more than 2 weeks from now *panics* and yours truly, as a masters student, need to make one presentation of my project next Tuesday.

Feel like my "running shoes" are wearing thin and spotting holes by now... but oh, I must reach the finishing line!

Women Pastors?

2011-04-26T14:46:00.004+08:00

Still working hard on my "Person of the Pastor" paper.

One thing awesome about this assignment - I am so much more acquainted with the life of your regular pastor now... and I appreciate my pastors more than ever. I mean, there are so much risks to bear as a pastor - in worst cases, they could end up losing their loved ones and losing themselves - and yet they made the sacrifice because they love and want to obey Him. This paper has also encouraged me to be more diligent in the matters of my ministry and service in God's Kingdom. To be more understanding to my pastor and support him more, regardless...

After this paper however, my previous conviction still stands - I don't think I am pastor-material. (When I say pastor here, I mean the pastor leading a church). Yeah, I do love shepherding people, discipling, mentoring, etc. Pastoral work is fine with me. But I don't think I'd be ever good in leading a church - especially that I am a woman. I am not against women pastors, of course. I have many lady friends who are pastors of churches - and I love and admire them for obeying God's calling upon their lives despite all the controversies that surround women pastors. However, I prefer to be a little more traditional and conservative. I feel that God has made most women different... to be leaders in areas they are gifted at, and yet supporters to the main male pastor of their churches. Also to be spiritual mothers that nurture, comfort and tend to the "scraped knees" of the fallen. When you are married, your husband won't have to feel like you are his spiritual leader even in the home (and be complacent). Subsequently, when you have children, it is difficult to mother them when you have a whole church waiting for you to meet their every need too... you'd have to choose in between one - and usually, a pastor will need to choose the congregation. Fathers can look after the children - but mothers, their special roles are irreplaceable.

Anyway, you don't have to agree with me. This is only my opinion ... coz I am getting married in 2 weeks and 4 days. Haha.

PMS officially ended today. Good timing too, praise the LORD... coz it means that the cravings have had their grand finale over the weekend... and I have 2 weeks to whip my body into shape. (Actually there's not much to be done, except to tone up on some flabby areas... and gosh, hopefully NO more weird weight plunges... coz I cannot afford to have wrinkly skin, stretch marks and ehem... non-impressive womanly assets on my wedding day! :P)

Easter Sunday

2011-04-25T13:29:00.002+08:00

Beautiful Easter Sunday. Our Easter performance went well, praise God! (Peky, Yi Jie and Ji Feng... you rock, people!)

I am looking forward to seeing more expression of talents, especially by JF... feel like he holds back too much and suppresses himself sometimes. I mean... he ad-libs really well - perhaps he feels more comfy singing songs in which one can be spontaneous and free. Like this one time, we did a goofy session during one of our practices (we turned the original version of "More Than Amazing" into this cool, old-school jazzy version. Recorded it just to shock Daniel Khoo into believing that we went nuts when he wasn't around! He said that he nearly flipped when he heard that recording! Haha!) - but guess what, Peky and I loved that goofy version to bits. We listened to it over and over and over again. And JF - he was amazing in that recording. He was himself. Beautiful and God-glorifying to the fullest.

So let's encourage him, shall we? :) TMC people, if you are reading this, you know what to do. :D

This is the first Easter Sunday I did not take any pictures.

I don't think I'll take anymore self-pictures till my honeymoon, lolx... coz I am pong-pong thanks to PMS and weird cravings... my face is haggard thanks to all those late nights slogging on assignments - and I basically have no time.

Back to my assignments.

Saturday

2011-04-23T14:52:00.006+08:00

All night prayer meeting was good.

Ben and I joined in at 3am. Before that, I was doing my assignments and Ben tried to nap (but kinda failed). We drove to church at 2.45am. It was a cold morning. There were about 12 people in our group.

I am so glad that I didn't fall asleep during prayer. Rather, I believe that God kept me from falling asleep so that I could focus and agree with the things others were praying for. We prayed mostly for our church, the Church in Malaysia, our country, its leaders, etc. Everyone prayed fervently and repentantly. Tears were shed and knees were bruised. I wonder what took place in the heavenlies while all of that was going on... and what the outcome of our prayers would be.

After prayer, Ben and I dropped some people home... and went for a tim sum date. It was a beautiful morning. I have not been up this early on a Saturday morning - for a very long while now. Lol.

After our tim sum date was over, I was rushed home myself (haha), because I had serious problems keeping awake. Fell asleep almost immediately after I put my head down on my pillow. Burned some calories by sleeping for 4 hours plus! :P Went for lunch... and now, we are in Ben's office. He's down in the lab, while I am trying to get into my research paper again. Boooo...

Since I am severely tied for time, I'd better end here and do my work. Looking forward to tonight's dinner at Ananda Bahwan with CG mates! :)

Good Friday

2011-04-22T13:39:00.002+08:00

We had a one-hour Good Friday service in the seminary chapel today.

We sang a few hymns, Dr. Lawson preached, the school choir gave us 2 songs... and the highlight of it all (at least for me) was Dr. Matahari leading us in Holy Communion. It was a solemn affair. It made me reflect on the account of the Last Supper - before Jesus was taken away to be crucified. Among His disciples, nobody but one actually truly believed that this would be certainly the final time they would dip their bread into the same cup as Jesus before He was hung on the cross for the sins of the world. Nobody but one. Yes, Judas knew... and He still betrayed Jesus.

However, all was not lost. God makes all things work together for the good of those who love Him, those who have been called according to His purpose. (Rom 8:28) Judas meant it for evil, but God made it good for us. It is because of Christ's death, we no longer have to pay the penalties for our sins. It is because of Christ's resurrection, we are also raised up with Him as victors - no longer condemned for our sins - free to transform, love, serve Him and glorify the Risen King.

My first ever Easter weekend was celebrated in a tiny church back in my hometown - i.e. the Cornerstone Baptist Church (CBC). I remember my fascination, my remorse of Christ's brutal death... and yet, the awesome relief at the mention of His resurrection on Easter morning. May I never lose the wonder of what the Lord Jesus Christ has done for me.

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting lives." (John 3:16)

Maundy Thursday

2011-04-21T15:05:00.008+08:00

Thus began Christ's journey from Gethsamane to Golgotha more than two thousand years ago.

I have been a Christian for the past 10 years. Before that, I often wondered what Good Friday and Easter were all about. Parties, chocolate, easter eggs and bunnies?

Obviously not.

I guess some of you, Malaysians know Shila's beautiful song - "Memori Tercipta". Somehow, when I listened to it today, it brought out a different meaning for me all together - even though this wasn't the original reason the song was written. I found myself standing in the shoes (or rather hung up by the cruel nails) of one of the two criminals crucified next to the Savior of the world. No, not the mocking one. The other one.

Having experienced a touch of God's grace through Christ and having heard the beautiful words, pregnant with hope - "Truly I tell you, today you will be with Me in Paradise" (Luke 23:43)... oh, could it be that the words of this song echoes the final yet grateful beats of his heart as it was laid to rest?

Bergetar jiwa di persada bercahaya...

Pertemuan harapan pertama kalinya

Bergetar jiwa menghadapi mimpi-mimpi

Sukar dipercaya pintunya terbuka..

Di sini jua memori tercipta...

Walau seketika terjalin kasih kita

Mungkin di sini kita kan terpisah..

Kenangan bersama tiada ku lupa...

Mengalun suara sesuri bisikan hati

Seiringan mencari haluan berseni

Bergetar jiwa menghadapi mimpi-mimpi

Tiada ku terduga pintunya terbuka...

Yang terpahit juga termanis

Semuanya bagiku terindah

Ku ingati buat selama-lamanya

Mungkin di sini kita kan terpisah

Kenangan bersama...x3

Tiada kulupa...

Sorry - to those who do not understand Malay, I don't have time to translate the lyrics to English. (If anyone else will be so kind to translate the song into English for the sake of my non-Malaysian readers, I'd be so grateful!) You can still listen to the song by clicking on HERE.

Wednesday

2011-04-20T11:00:00.004+08:00

Woke up in time to the tune of my 2nd alarm clock (ya, I had snoozed the first one for an hour already!) - and LATE too. Well-trained by now, I whipped myself ready for school in 15 minutes. I even had time to swallow my daily supplements. Bolted out of the door with a pack of breakfast choc-chip biscuits in one hand and everything else was efficiently handled by my right arm/hand (keys, water bottle, worship CD to play in car, etc.)... Was just in time to pick Ai Hua up and drive to school. We arrived at MBTS 5 minutes before class - which was exactly an hour after I had jumped out of bed! Perfect timing.

That concludes the first hour of my day. Action-packed as usual - I bathed, got ready for school, battled the morning traffic jams, chatted to Ai Hua in the car and dear me... I somehow felt so... fruitful! :D Really made my morning pondering on this strange fact, it did!

The product of the orange tree is not oranges or orange-flavored Sugus...

...but another orange tree.

Be fruitful and multiply.

I wonder if I will ever reproduce a tree like me. :P Perhaps not with the bits of weed stuck awkwardly in some places. Or the thorns that sprouted from nowhere. But a tree that bears even greater fruits and climbs to greater heights.

Tuesday

2011-04-20T01:59:00.003+08:00

Still stressed and depressed. But I'm gonna say a prayer before I go to bed and hope that God will make things much better tomorrow, somehow.

I think it's during times like these, I feel like just running away from everything and everyone. I just wanna be alone. To mope in my dark cave a while. And to savor chocolate like there is no tomorrow. Serious.

Quarter-life crisis, I gather. It doesn't help that my Knight in A Shining Armor is in a transition himself. I can feel so inadequate to support him sometimes. Oh, can't I just kick open a door for him? Or march around a fortified city for seven days? Or part the Jordan River? No, I am just a weak lady, with little faith at times. Like now. I only can hope for God's mercy. I am so tired.

Then I remembered today, that I've got crazy dreams myself which I don't know if they will ever materialize. It makes me quite sad.

Sorry for the sappiness of my blog post. I can even write a song out of this. Omg, do I need anti-depressants?

Stuck....

2011-04-18T19:42:00.004+08:00

I feel like Joseph in the prison.

How long more, O God? How long?

Came across Psalm 16 today and made it my prayer.

^"1 Keep me safe, my God, for in You I take refuge.

² I say to the LORD, “You are my Lord;
apart from You I have no good thing.”
³ I say of the holy people who are in the land,
“They are the noble ones in whom is all my delight.”
⁴ Those who run after other gods will suffer more and more.
I will not pour out libations of blood to such gods
or take up their names on my lips.

⁵ LORD, You alone are my portion and my cup;
You make my lot secure.
⁶ The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance.
⁷ I will praise the LORD, who counsels me;
even at night my heart instructs me.
⁸ I keep my eyes always on the LORD.
With Him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

⁹ Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will rest secure,
¹⁰ because You will not abandon me to the realm of the dead,
nor will You let your faithful one see decay.
¹¹ You make known to me the path of life;
You will fill me with joy in Your presence,
with eternal pleasures at Your right hand."

Went to sleep last night with a heart beating fast and my emotions running high. Today, I just didn't feel like waking up and facing the new day. Oh, you have no idea how thankful I was that my covenant sister, Ji, phoned me in the evening and spoke into my life. (I am praying that God would be merciful and gracious to bring me a little closer to Ji and Laura somehow...)

Ever since I graduated from med school and remained in Penang, I have been often very, very lonely.... It would be very ungrateful of me to say that I don't have good friends here... in fact, God has blessed me with many awesome ones. Both from church and the seminary. However, I guess it's because Ji and I went through an exceptionally difficult time together (for the both of us) back in PMC, we kinda gelled from there... and therefore, we have been quite inseparable as friends and sisters. When she graduated from PMC (she's my one-year senior, btw) and began working in Singapore, I missed her terribly. One of my greatest joys in life is visiting her in Singapore and gleaning encouragement + inspiration from our sessions of praying together as well as tagging along with her in youth ministry. It is very easy for us to open up to one another, without putting on any masks. We have both seen each other's ugly sides and I've bawled many tears in front of her. It is therefore no wonder I felt so incredibly, incandescently happy when she called today.

Wrote out the "Take, O Take Me as I am" music score for Dr. Matahari as he requested. Was somehow touched by the words of the simple hymn.

"Take, O take me as I am, Summon out what I shall be; Set Your seal upon my heart... and live in me." Beautiful.

Weight issues

2011-04-16T11:19:00.003+08:00

My dear fellow blogger/friend, Sophia, wrote an awesome article on weight gain in recovery from ED which I thoroughly recommend.

For those who are new to my blog, I am a recovered eating disorders sufferer (why does that sound like a mouthful?) who used to struggled with anorexia nervosa, bulimia and compulsive eating throughout my teenage years and early twenties.

While I look normal, think normal (most of the time) and behave normal now, I admit that I still need to actively guard myself from a weakness... i.e. the tendency to feel anxious about my weight. I don't dislike myself. In fact, I like the way I look and I think myself beautiful. I also love eating healthily as well as indulging in my occasional treats, fast food and junk food. I eat Mcd's once a week. I pride myself on my faithfulness to exercise moderately 3-4 times a week (coz it was difficult to start, haha!) And honestly, I don't think anyone would care if I put on a few pounds. Those who love me would still love me. My fiance would still think I am hot (oh yeah!) - he doesn't like me skinny btw. I know it is not worth it to obsess over my weight. I have got so much in life to look forward to.

But....

... I still feel anxious about my weight once in a while. And I don't even know why I should feel that way. What is it exactly that I fear?

I think it's losing control that I fear. And perhaps I have unconsciously made my weight the indicator of how "in control" I am of my own life when it should have been fully surrendered to God. So it's actually not about the weight now, is it?

Feeling a lil' blue...

2011-04-14T09:15:00.001+08:00

Woof? :(

Wednesday

2011-04-13T11:35:00.002+08:00

For an assignment, I was writing about my previous ministry encounters in Dublin - when I was struck with a humbling sense of nolstalgia.

Bittersweet memories flooded in.

How my room carpet was nearly always wet when I stayed at Mercer Court during my first year - because of a mysterious leak. Then, the nice but haunted little apartment on Lower Clanbrassil Street which my housemates and I moved into during our second year. Our long and freezing cold waits for buses every morning. The one hour long bus-rides to Beaumont Hospital every day. The pungent smell of preserved cadavers in the Anatomy D.R. (They actually smelled like a kind of food I like to eat with rice - I won't care to mention what kind of food here, in case I get sued, haha - but, dissection room sessions sure never got me clammy but hungry).

Choreographing dances for International Nights. Pigeons and our fear of cryptococcal pneumonia. Our cramming sessions for important exams. The guy who pursued me for a long 3 years or so before giving up hope (of course not after I made things so difficult for him. Bad me. I sure hope he has forgiven me completely by now). My hopeless crushes (haha). Me crying my eyes out over them while seated on the black leather sofa in our living room. With Cyn trying her hardest to make me smile again.

Our birthday celebrations. Pot-blesses. Pig-outs (oh, especially on sweet-and-sour pork and fried aubergines) at the Chinese restaurant on dodgy Mall Street. Mango sorbet at the Australian Ice Cream shop. Shopping in the city center (oh yeah, my favorite!). Mark & Spencers' huge chocolate chip cookies that they don't sell here in Malaysia. Dun Laoghaire harbor. Movies at the UGC. My piano students. My neighbors (who happened to my church mates) whose apartment Cyn and I used to frequent - for good home-made food wholesome chats and to watch rented DVDs.

Church gatherings. Prayer meets. Harp and bowl sessions - major city interchurch prayer meets, which the Dublin churches take turns to host every 2 months (or was it 1 month?). Christian musical concerts in Belfast. Avoca. Galway. Innis Island. I think I must have blogged about all of them in my older blog. My caring pastors. Our ministry events. How passionate I was about church!

Also how I used to trot to church on Sundays in my high-heeled boots (I was crazy enough to wear them - 30 minutes over cobble-stone roads too!). It is no wonder I have so many feet problems today. LOL. I am pretty sure this is where all my bunions originated.

I am sobered as I remember the blissful 3 years in Dublin today. It was not an incredibly easy time. But, I was close to God. And that was all that mattered. The blessings of being in His presence were incomparable and exceedingly more than I could have imagined. I was surrounded by the best friends ever. Today, when I look back, it all seems like a long, beautiful dream that I never wanted to wake up from. But of course, a season never lasts forever. I had to move on and return to Malaysia. Many things have changed ever since. My pastor in Dublin passed away from terminal stage malignant bone marrow cancer a year or two back. I am sorry I was not in Dublin when he left. But I know I will see him someday in heaven.

A question plagues me at times. Although I try not to compare myself - past and present - because the circumstances were and are totally different, I still can't help but always wonder: Am I as close to God as I was to Him before? Perhaps, this is a season of learning to trust God's heart even when I am not so inclined to feel Him.

Tuesday

2011-04-12T14:47:00.002+08:00

The beginning of a school week. I had issues falling asleep last night (my brain unfortunately went over-time, ruminating on my 1 Corinthians application project and why I could not solve some major problems with it) and so I woke up this morning feeling like my eyes were going to pop out of their sockets! Oh yeah... *Sobs*

I need more quiet time. I have to keep reminding myself that God is really with me all the time, even though I cannot see or feel Him tangibly... and believe... that even when my heart fails, He would strengthen me so that I would be faithful. Yes, more than anything, O God... guard my heart, for it is the well spring of life. Let my heart never cease to hold Your peace and so that my eyes would never cease to see that You are good and faithful. Overwhelm me with the grace You showed Hannah in her distress.

Anyway...

What's next on my wedding prep agenda (for this week)

1. Bulletins
2. See the florist on Friday
3. Bridal house appointment on Friday - to look at our picture album and select floral bouquet designs and car-deco designs...
4. Choose wedding dress on Saturday (well, the last round, I didn't find one that I liked)
5. Submit ROM documents to Rev. Ng - probably tomorrow
6. Send final shout-out to RSVP guests
7. Bank-in money for honeymoon reservation
8. ....

Stressed....

2011-04-11T17:38:00.003+08:00

I am psychologically and emotionally stressed.

My assignments are all piling up, deadlines are upcoming... and gosh, I seem to have so many appointments each weekend. My weight is fluctuating thanks to weird hormonal reactions and resulting water retention bloats. I have been bugged by flatulence and allergic conjunctivitis. Also, my expenses this month are sky-rocketing for various reasons. (Dunno why all my creams must choose to finish in May...Sigh... bad timing.)

Lumped together, it just looks and feels like one massive undifferentiated, localized tumor - on my blog-post. Bleargggh... ;P I so can't wait for my holiday in May - and honeymoon vacation with my hubby! :)

On top of all these - wedding preparations have to go on. Ben and I took advantage of the Jaya Jusco Member Fiesta over the past weekend, and bought our marriage beddings (pillows, duvet, covers, etc.) at greatly reduced prices! Thank God for the provisions. Saw Pastor Woo on Sunday to talk about the Wedding bulletins. It was a good chat actually - which extended to our callings and vocations. Ben and mine. Pastor Woo prayed for us at the end of our long conversation.

Anyway, we watched the animation, Rio, on Saturday night. It was so funny. I'd highly recommend that movie as a stress-buster!

A praise report, amidst the stressful overtone of this blog-post: one of my prayers (for a friend) was answered on Saturday. What a miracle it was. Thank You, God!

Monday

2011-04-11T17:32:00.002+08:00

Honeymoon Destination: check.

Documents for the signing of ROM: check.

Thursday

2011-04-07T16:18:00.003+08:00

Yesterday evening, I had dinner with my dear sister and friend, Rachel Chan. Dinners with her are becoming more of a regular thing now. We were from the same PCC cell group, back in my university days. Later, I chose to join a cell group in the church I serve in (Trinity Methodist Church Penang) thanks to my now-fiance's kind invitation - but Rachel and I continued to keep in touch and occasionally go out for dinner together. Other than a common desire to be godly and God-fearing, we also share a passion for good reads - so we've always exchanged books (and as for me, I've been reading books off her mum's book shelf too). In the past 3 years, both of us have been facing our own difficulties and hardships. Many similar ones too. However, we could find comfort confiding in one another and were strengthened by each other's prayers - so we believe that God placed us in one another's lives for an incredible reason! Because Rachel has been such an awesome friend, I am making her the pianist for my wedding march-in in May.

Anyway...

I am trying on my wedding gown this evening.

TOCT conference is right after school tomorrow and the Projek Harap Fund-raising Dinner is tomorrow night - when I will be dressed in a Kebaya, smiling brightly at the guests as an usher. Haha. *Geeky look*

So bloated for the past few days. Especially my tummy. I have no idea why. In fact, I feel like I am pregnant. LOLx.

Of course I am not.

Random thought - I need a hair makeover. But at the moment, I will have to be content - till our expenditures are not quite as heavy. I did tell a few of my friends that I'll butcher my hair SHORT after I get married... but now, I am changing my mind a little on the short part. Hm, we shall see.

Have to get back to my many assignments. I am so screwed with regards to time management. I feel like it's alot of "fire-fighting" lately - dealing with urgent stuff and not the less urgent but as important stuff. Really need God's help in this.

Little joys of living in a "high-density" block

2011-04-06T14:11:00.006+08:00

I live in a low-cost, high-density block of flats.It is a glimpse of "One Malaysia" for you. Regardless of our races, we still exchange smiles in the elevators, greet each other at the mamak stalls downstairs, chuckle at one another's babies and such. In many ways, I am glad that I am not just surrounded by the people of my own kind. Because I still feel "alien" as a Chinese here in Penang, not being able to understand and fluently speak their local dialect - Hokkien... except if it is anything pertaining to food. Haha. *Sheepish grin*

We are also surrounded by much religious activity. Most of my neighbors are either the Muslims whose prayers are loudly proclaimed through the Surau's loud-speakers... or the Taoists whose temple glows fiery red in the dark of the night... or the Hindus who ring bells and burn incense as their way of devotion. Then of course, there is a handful of us that fit into the category "D.L.L" (dan lain-lain) - Christians, Jehovah Witnesses, etc. Perhaps there are more Christians in my block than I can really tell. However, it is sad... we hardly see one another around.

Anyway...

Last night, I went into my little room, closed the door - and sat upon my bed while giving out a loud sigh and complaining to the Lord about something on my heart. I cannot remember what I said exactly - but it must have been something along the lines of "...O God, please tell me where I am going..." Perhaps, I was not quite as meek - it could also have been, "O God, open a door, PLEASE!"

Silence was the answer. After that little rant, I began reading my book.

A moment later, an unknown male voice began singing out of the blue. I couldn't decipher the words - it must not have been in English. Now, usually, I just ignore the voices I hear - because I don't like eaves-dropping on my neighbors' conversations (and quarrels)! But yesterday night, I felt that I HAD to listen to the tune properly. So I sat very still. To my surprise, it was a tune I knew - the melody of the hymn, "He Leadeth Me".

Of course it was in another language. But I recognized the hymn! I was amazed! Ran out of my room and tried to make out where the voice came from - but it grew fainter - so I returned to my room - and continued to enjoy the rest of the singing! :D

I couldn't remember on the spot what the hymn conveyed, so looked it up in my hymnal. These were its lyrics in English:

He leadeth me! O blessed thought,
O words with heav'nly comfort fraught;
Whate'er I do, where'er I be,
Still 'tis Christ's hand that leadeth me.

He leadeth me! He leadeth me!
By His own hand He leadeth me;
His faithful follower I would be,
For by His hand He leadeth me.

Sometimes 'mid scenes of deepest gloom,
Sometimes where Eden's bowers bloom,
By waters still, o'er troubled sea,
Still 'tis His hand that leadeth me.

Lord, I would clasp Thy hand in mine,
Nor ever murmur or repine;
Content, whatever lot I see,
Since it is Thou that leadest me.

And when my task on earth is done,
When, by Thy grace, the vict'ry's won,
E'en death's cold wave I will not flee,
Since Thou in triumph leadest me.

As you can probably imagine, I went back to my room very, very encouraged and comforted. I don't think it was a co-incidence, because I have lived in this house for close to 3 years now- quarrels I have heard, ABRSM piano songs I have heard - but a hymn in the night I have NEVER heard. Such sweet and beautiful words my Lord brings me in my time of confusion and trial!

I wonder if that brother in Christ knew that his randomness would bless and encourage me. Perhaps, he had felt led by the Lord to burst into such jubilant singing! :) Or he too, like me, could have been greatly needing the Lord's leading in his life - and was singing the hymn as a song of faith unto Him.

God lives, I tell you! And I am assured that He loves me so.

Pastors' retreat @ Teluk Bahang Dam

2011-04-06T11:12:00.004+08:00

There was a beautiful pillar of rain-clouds rising from the mountains that morning...Eerie even!

Anyway, this was us - before we started out from MBTS...

Solemn entry...we were supposed to keep quiet and not talk to one another throughout the whole retreat :) - instead, focus on God.

This was the part when the silence had ceased :D - and it was about time to go home.

Psalm 131...

2011-04-05T16:50:00.002+08:00

...was preached in chapel service today. How timely! Stung my pride a little, it did... but nevertheless, it was good.

I'm all floundering neck-deep in assignments. Yet again. *Sighs*

I realize I have been trying to juggle too many things at one go. Gosh, we haven't even settled our honeymoon destination. And there are still so many things to do - approaching the wedding, amidst the impending deadlines!

Monday...

2011-04-04T22:32:00.007+08:00

Ben and I purchased our wedding bed last weekend. It arrived today and has significantly reduced the space in our tiny flat ever since. The wrappers will stay on till we are both ready to sleep on it - as a married couple. I cannot imagine spending every night with him after May the 14th. The thought of it makes me both excited and anxious. Haha! :D

Teaser...

2011-04-01T00:24:00.002+08:00

This wasn't one of the actual photos we picked out of the whole lot. I think it was some random, candid shot our photographer took while Ben and I were getting ready to "pose". My make-up artist put this picture up on his Facebook, as part of his album of 'Makeover' collections. Some of you have been urging me to put up our pre-wed photos. Well, since Ben and I decided that we'd only show them off after our wedding (or there'll be no surprise or fun, hehe) - I thought I'd put up a "teaser". So... enjoy! XD

Thursday

2011-03-31T14:45:00.003+08:00

One and half months to the end of our term - and I am busy freaking out on top of having to complete all my assignments, because I haven't gotten all my credits. And then I will have to settle with Dr. Matahari, how I am to organize my courses for the next terms - if I am to graduate this year. (Yes, I've got lecturer/pastor/academic dean phobias still! *shivers in my bedroom slippers*)

While I am still very unsure of what the plans are after I am married, whether we will remain in Penang or not (still waiting on God to give us a definite answer), and if we do leave, whether we will come back that soon etc... I know for sure that I need to graduate this year - because I am uncertain of what lies beyond 2011. Plus, I really do not want those who have been voluntarily funding my studies to worry about me anymore. Neither do I want to burden Ben with my school fees when we've got to attend to so many readjustments to do in the coming months - as a newly married couple.

Can you understand my worries now? :)

Please pray for us.

Wednesday

2011-03-30T18:19:00.003+08:00

Going to school with a red and irritated left eye today was humbling. Conjunctivitis, they say. The only thing cool about my predicament is that my eye is photosensitive. Extremely sensitive to light. After turning off the lights last night, my swollen left eye could still trace the objects in my room, while the good eye could see nothing but darkness!

Thank God that it isn't a corneal ulcer. How I got my eye infected - God knows! I haven't worn my contact lenses for a week by now.

They've replaced the Clavinova in our MBTS chapel with an upright piano - temporarily (I hope). While the sound quality and touch of the keys gave me the creeps, I think I am getting used to all that.

My sister left for KL last night. This is something she texted me today...

"...You know, suddenly I remembered something. Yesterday, near Subang Airport, when dad was driving, suddenly a long pole of a few meters seemed to drop down from an overhead bridge, very near our car...vertically. And then it 'bounced' back up again like being pulled back up. Weird huh...."

Wow. I believe it had got something to do with God's protection on my family. Praise be to Jesus Christ.

Countdown: 1.5 months...

2011-03-30T18:00:00.000+08:00

Weekend

2011-03-29T16:14:00.004+08:00

Ben, Sau Chan, Suan Hui and I had dinner at Isshin (Autocity) on Saturday... Also it was a mini birthday celebration for Suan Hui. Here is the handsome brother. :D

Then of course, my darling little sister, Zoey, was up in Penang for the weekend to try on her brides-maid dress and also to chill with me for 3 nights, 4 days... before starting work this Friday. (Yes, God blessed her with the job she wanted!) I am so glad that she seemed so at home in my little flat... and that she had the opportunity to indulge in my library of books.

I've been eating ALOT for the past few days she was here. Elaborate Western breakfast at Batu Feringghi, laksa in Balik Pulau...then Ben's family belanja-ed us a huge dinner at Song River... etc. Feeling a little tubby already. @_@' What's more I have to look for a wedding dress this Friday.

Just sent Zoey off. Miss her presence in my house already... *sniff*

Protein...

2011-03-25T14:32:00.004+08:00

In the past week, I have been taking this self-concocted chocolate-protein-shake for breakfast.

I realized recently that I do not consume enough protein for my health and immune levels - so I bought this mix of soy protein and whey powder from Cosway. By itself, when stirred into water at room-temperature (you are not supposed to add hot water, or the proteins will denature. --> Remember chemistry/biology back in school? :P) a very icky, chalky drink is produced. Some paste. Yucks. Never, never again. In desperation, I tried blending the protein powder into hot chocolate instead. Guess what? It worked! Since the chocolate protein shake is SO yummy and nutritious, I have not gotten tired of it yet. I usually supplement it with a Centrum multivitamin tablet afterward. The shake is a very good meal in itself, because it has enough calories, carbs and nutrition to last me till mid-morning at least. It fills me up so well! Then I'd have my mid-morning snack at school if hungry. Other than breakfast, I don't think I'd have the shake as a meal replacement though. I would much prefer solid food! :D

The shake can be drunk as a healthy snack or pre-/post-workout as well. It has been a wonderful alternative to my usual snacks, which have gotten boring. (First, I had to check what my daily protein requirement is, based on age, gender and etc. - just in case I exceeded the quota!) I sometimes use soybean milk powder or fruits in replacement of the chocolate. Some people get constipated with too much protein. If you are one of those people, you will have to make sure that you increase your intake of fiber as well. Oh, and drink more water.

I feel that somehow the protein helped my hormone levels tremendously. Weird, I didn't have much PMS this time round - and no period cramps!

Honeymoon

2011-03-25T01:39:00.004+08:00

Intrigued by my fellow seminarians' urgings, I decided to check out some potential honeymoon places online.

Sigh. Maybe it was my spectacles... :P But everything either looked expensive or dangerous - despite the wonderful ambience. Dangerous, because I am now tsunami/earthquake phobic... Dang. >.<'

How?

Gosh, I am not even sure of our budget. Hm, may God provide a way.

Thursday

2011-03-24T16:21:00.003+08:00

In class, we were sharing in groups of twos, how we discerned God's will for various aspects of our lives (especially ministry - because the class is supposed to be on "The Person/Life of the Pastor").

Pam (my partner) and I are so familiar with each other that we did not want to talk about our calling into ministry again. Hehe. Instead, she bugged me to talk about how Ben and I discerned that it is God's will for us to walk together someday, as husband and wife.

I don't think I'd make it my sharing here, but telling Pam all about it did remind me of God's faithfulness in our relationship. Ben and I have been through hard and rough times indeed, in which we did consider breaking up. We have struggled with one another's weaknesses and fought over plenty of things. Silly things too. However, God did see us through and He kept us together - beautifully, miraculously and surely. He made us strong. Today, we are one another's best friend. Ben is not a perfect man (or he would be Jesus :P) - but he is indeed a man that I am deeply in love with and cannot wait to marry.

Thank You, Lord... for Your grace that is all-sufficient, always...

For emotional wholeness....

2011-03-23T16:42:00.006+08:00

Some gloomy day outside.

Last night, by God's grace, I discovered (by how I often react to some things and circumstances) that I have bad emotional habits that I badly want to get rid of. Or at least gradually stop them in their tracks. Especially before I get married and have kids.

These emotional habits do not coincide with PMS, I'm afraid - haha. So I can't exactly blame it on PMS. While my melancholic personality may have some influence, I reflected and also thanks to Ben's help, realized that many of the emo's are learned habits/reactions from my childhood and late teenage-hood as an indirect cry for attention. (Yeah, I used to have self-inflictory behaviors. Used to. Now the behaviors have evolved into less 'physical' forms - I promise you that I don't slash my wrists, bruise myself or run into the wall anymore. But still... I am left with bad emotional habits, nevertheless!) And if they can be learned, I don't think I want my kids to pattern their emotional habits after mine in the future.

Yups. So when I realized that I should stop, I prayed. Yesterday's 'alert' must be a call for me to enter a time of healing. Thanks, to those of you who are praying for me as I am preparing myself for marriage. May I grow and transform to have emotional wholeness in Christ. (And thanks Tairven and Wee Lyn for my birthday-pressie... i.e. the book - I didn't realize how much I needed it till yesterday!)

Finishing well

2011-03-22T14:40:00.002+08:00

Funny. Last night, I was talking to Ben about "finishing well".

Today, I was supposed to be attending a class on 'The Life of the Pastor' (TLOTP). However, the TLOTP students were unexpected made to join another class (just for today) - which is on "Finishing Well" by Rev. Dr. Mark Chen. All because so many pastors drop out from serving their call due to various discouragements.

I did not sign up for this class, because it is an elective - and I am in a dire need of finishing my core subjects if I want to graduate this year. But I thank God for the opportunity to attend at least the first day of "Finishing Well".

Because it is so hard to think of finishing well when you are in some sort of plateau. Or when you have been waiting and waiting and waiting to clear some obstacle. Or uncertainty for that matter. Yes, you took the first step. Responded to God's call. Explosively and radically even. Despite the odds. And now that you are on a spiritual journey to fulfilling your life vocation, you suddenly arrive at River Jordan. Cross it? But it's swift and dangerous at this time of time of the year. Flood season. Will it ever end?

Perhaps, I am not quite at River Jordan. But today, I found myself asking ME this question, "Will you finish the race, where God has called you to run?" No, I lie. Actually, I have been asking myself this question from time to time. Today marks the umpteenth (and probably more than umpteenth) day. Because I get disillusioned way too easily. In instances of discontentment, I get distracted. Sometimes, I get lazy with my QT. Or peeved at people. Then I plateau. I swing in between wanting to do God's will... and wanting everything to be convenient. Sigh....

I don't know at all if I will finish well. But I hope I will be faithful. Faithfulness is not just the way to finish well, but it is finishing well.

O God, answer my prayer! Take my feet out from the miry clay and set 'em on solid rock!

It is OK to cry...

2011-03-22T14:22:00.004+08:00

I think it is much healthier to teach boys that it is all right to cry... of course for the right reasons.

I am not talking about tantrums that grow into the immature whines of a grown-up man.

But...A man who isn't able to emotionally response to injustice, righteous anger or a touch from the Holy Spirit through tears doesn't appeal much to me somehow. Even Jesus cried.

Coz everytime my man cries, I am moved to a deeper level of intimacy with God myself. Coz I know too well, that God is listening to him. And I'd be inspired to cry out to God in my secret place too.

And God listens to your cries too. So, just cry and let it all out to Him. May His comfort make you strong to walk one more step, live another day... and sincerely give, even when your takers take your gift for granted. Coz God sees... and He will bless you in secret.

Monday

2011-03-21T16:36:00.002+08:00

I've just got the news... My sister is coming to Penang next weekend! Yaaay.

Although it's just for a short visit this time, at least I get to spend my off-day with her.

Next few weeks' course: "Life of the Pastor". Hm...

Friday...

2011-03-18T14:21:00.002+08:00

Beginning of busy weekend. And school reopens in a few days time.

One week of break is not enough! I haven't even completed one assignment. My problem is... I am a perfectionist. I tried to break out of that, but it has not succeeded yet, because I can hardly bear not to develop every bit of detail to its fullest. And yes, I am nearly always unsatisfied with my work somehow. There is always room for improvement. Sigh... I don't know. It's got to be a journey of undoing and unlearning. Gotta manage my time better too. And stop, stop, stop... for goodness sake... eating my fingers raw!!! :S

Bad habits.

Anyway... I had an early dinner with Nellie at Station One cafe yesterday evening. The food was so-so. (According to Ben, the Malaysian dishes are nicer than Western) In fact, I thought the pizza's base tasted too biscuity. We yakked for 2.5 hours. After dinner, I went out with Ben pula... We had really nice taufu-fah at Taman Pekaka. And then because I was peckish, I broke open a pack of potato chips back home and feasted on them, whilst watching Burlesque. I liked it, even though it was a little raunchy (that's solely my opinion lah!) - because of its artistic bent. (And I've always admired Christian Aguilera for her powerful voice somehow.)

Hm, gotta go answer some emails...and then go back to my Christian Ethics assignments. Rawwrrrr!!!!!

Frus...

2011-03-17T14:00:00.004+08:00

Today, I decided to take a break from Ethics. Checked out a few cleaning services, and finally settled on one for my apartment. That part was OK.

Then someone totally annoyed me, hurt my feelings and made me like kera kena belacan. That part wasn't so OK. Grrrrr.... *Shows part of fangs* I am in great need to forgive.

Having dinner with Nellie today. That's definitely a highlight to look forward to.

Loving yourself is...

2011-03-16T13:31:00.006+08:00

Today, I happened to walk past rows and rows of pretty shoes, going at a discounted price. The girl in me drooled. Of course, I did not buy new shoes. I just drooled.

I looked at the many closed-toe sandals on sale - and a part of me wished that the shape of my feet weren't so weird that I could wear them without pain and causing further deformity to my feet.

And then this thought suddenly came to mind. I believe it must have been God-inspired, somehow.

Part of loving yourself is accepting that not all things are meant to go well with you... and that you do not have to possess all things to be of value.

For me, I will have to accept that I will never have much opportunity to wear closed-toe sandals (unless they happen to provide ample toe-space - which elegant ladies' shoes almost never, nowadays). I will have to accept that certain clothes would never look good on my pear-shaped body, certain shades of make-up will never match my skin (unless I had enough time to maintain a tan), certain hairstyles would never suit the shape of my face (despite how much I like 'em)... and I'll always have to steer clear of sleeves that make my arms look big(ger). I am not putting myself down when I accept that I will never achieve my goal of being extremely svelte without killing myself. Coz I was made to have curves. According to an awesome, divine plan.

And when you accept that not all things fit or sit well with you, you can finally rule them out of your "to get" list. And you would finally be able to appreciate the very things God has made you to enjoy and find fulfillment in... and ultimately, the way God has made you.

I know some people just love to push themselves. I am not saying that they are wrong to do so.

In fact, we should be excellent in everything we do. Scale the highest mountains we can ever scale. Serve God with your fullest potential and passion. Conquer your greatest fears and challenges if you like. But we will always have our unique limitations. Physically especially, since we live in our bodies - and relational-wise, since God made us to function and grow within our relationships with people. I never respected my limitations before. I thought they were namby-pamby nuisances. And so I stopped caring for them. That is when I hurt those who loved me, I lost my health... I stopped loving myself, I lost respect for myself... and ultimately, I lost myself.

Mark 8:36 - "For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world, and forfeit his soul?"

Forfeiting one's soul indicates a failure in recognizing God's brilliant design for one's being, his/her limitations and yet the ultimate fulfillment of being contented in one's possessions, beauty, gifts and life purpose. In short, a person who forfeits his/her soul has never loved himself/herself... and therefore, has never been able to fully appreciate his/her Creator. If you cannot fully appreciate your Creator and thus, cannot be close to Him, you will never be able to live according to His purposes (coz you can never trust Him enough and your own agenda takes over).

And when the wrong purposes drive our lives...where do you think we will end up? I just think that I would be always unhappy. Always running after the wrong things - and when I finally obtain them, I would still be unhappy and never satisfied somehow.

So what does it profit you to gain the whole world and forfeit your soul?

Absolutely nothing.

My memory

2011-03-15T13:07:00.003+08:00

I thank God, my Creator, for having gifted me with a very good memory.

Now, I know that everybody is unique. Gifted with different gifts. I may not have your gift, but I have been bestowed with my own special gift so I can glorify God with it. And so, one of mine is my memory.

I remember things from as far as my first birthday... and it's probably because I am inclined to think deeply about the sensations picked up by the receptors of my sense organs, namely sight, smell, taste, hearing and touch. It is unimaginable how I am able to remember the feel of the gauze petticoat under the pink dress I wore on my first birthday - how scratchy it felt, how uncomfortably hot I was in it and how awkward the experience of my very first dress ever. Or when you tell me, "Think of what you did in Year XXXX", I'd be able to draw from the archives of my memory - and tell you some of the experiences I recall from that particular year. Perhaps it's also because my dad happened to be an avid and sentimental photographer (like some of my friends today: Tairven, Matthew Yap, Ben, etc) - and he took dozens of pics each year and throughout every milestone of his kids. I used to look at them quite often. They must have reinforced and etched the memories in my mind, as if set in stone! Perhaps, this is where I picked up the habit of remembering events and details as part of pictures, scenes and snapshots. Of course, the memories go beyond pictures - emotions, sensations, dreams and thoughts are connected too. Pleasant and unpleasant. They all come in a package.

Of course, having a good memory comes with many benefits, for which I am ever grateful to the Lord. I did (and still do) well in academics because I was good at memorizing and remembering the lessons I learned - of what worked and what did not work. I also have a rather photographic memory - whereby I'd be able to remember how the pages with the answers look - and when I am stuck in a spot, I'd attempt to pick the details off the pages where the answers are found. I am a good performer because I easily recall the effect of tried and tested methods on my audience (whether my examiners back in med school, music, etc). Furthermore, I easily learn from watching performers whom I greatly esteem - I remember what they did, how they did it... and then I'd innovate and personalize the whole combination of their methods. Also, I used to hardly mark down datelines/anniversaries on calendars - because each and everyone of them somehow sticks in my head. Also, it means I remember God's blessings in the past - and therefore have the faith to trust God to deliver me in the present.

The only thing I never seem to recall or remember - is what happens on the roads when I am driving. Believe me, you can offend me on the road - and unless it was a serious offense (like you banged my car or something), I can never remember you did it by the end of my journey. I'd only recall general things like, "Oh, it was a bad traffic jam..." or "Penang drivers are reckless..." (sorry Penang peeps!) Then I'd happily forget about the whole incident. But perhaps, that's because because I am too busy dreaming and thinking about other things whilst driving. I have sometimes arrived at my destination without having any recollection of how I drove there!!! Perhaps, my mind splits when I do so - one part almost unconsciously but intelligibly directs my driving - and the other part consciously dreams! :P Something like that.

God calls us to be good stewards of the gifts He has given us. This means that it is possible for us to be bad stewards. It is good to search ourselves honestly.

When I am a bad steward of my gift of good memory,

I tend to dwell too much on the past. And throw myself pity-parties for stuff which have already happened and have been resolved ages ago. Or I blame myself for mistakes.
I tend to bear grudges and harbor bitterness/resentment toward those who have offended me. And then, I find it so difficult to forgive and love.
Relying too much on my memory keeps me from being creative in the present and finding new solutions for problems.
I sometimes gloat and feel superior over those who do not recall as much. (Poor Ben...) Then I'd bring up (in glee) stuff like, "Do you remember the day you first spoke to me? The very words you spoke?" (I admit that this can be fun!:P It can be good when I use it the right way)

What are your God-given gifts? Are you being a good steward of them?

Updates

2011-03-14T23:44:00.005+08:00

My missing engagement ring (I blogged about it last week) was found. By Ben. LOL. (To date, he has actually presented me the ring twice! :P) It fell into a bag lying around on the floor, by accident. Ben discovered it and placed it somewhere I could easily find (and yet, my eyes must have scanned that spot umpteen times!) I was so relieved that I cried.

I am now done with both my interpretation projects for Book of Joshua - since Friday. What a relief! I am learning the power of writing short and uncomplicated sentences! :P Writing in English is that interesting. There is always room for improvement...and so I never get bored. (With English I mean. I did not say that I never get bored doing assignments!!!) Hoping that this week will see me productive with my Christian Ethics and Conflict Dynamics assignments...I'm feeling really lazy now, since I almost pureed my brain last week. Definitely looking forward to all the meet-ups I've scheduled with my precious friends this week!

And then, I will begin the 2nd half of my last term on-campus. (After May 14th, I'll be finishing the rest of my course "long-distance". The reason for that is - I am not sure where I am going to be yet.

Oh, also, I have been having a weird ear-condition that afforded me quite a bit of scare for the past 4 days. Apparently it was precipitated by the flight (from Taiwan back to Malaysia) a weekend ago. The pressure did not equalize in my ears...and therefore, resulted in hearing problems, discomfort, echoes and weird humming sounds. I consulted the ENT specialist today - and it was no big deal. (The medical fee was a big deal though - but my dear kindly covered my expenses.) The good news - my hearing is still perfect and no, I won't need hearing aids anytime soon...LOL. So don't worry. Thanks for prayers, the few of you who knew about it.

Peace out, peeps.

March 14th 2011. 2 months more.

2011-03-14T21:46:00.005+08:00

And yet, this season will be over soon...

I'm gonna miss it though. My season of singlehood. It's taught me great and precious lessons.

Wednesday sob-stories...

2011-03-09T14:14:00.003+08:00

And the season of Lent begins today. Ash Wednesday.

Been struggling quite a bit with my sermon plans for Joshua 3 and 9. It's been challenging to sleep past 2am for the past few nights - and wake up by 6.30am to get ready for school. Yesterday afternoon, I even fell asleep while drinking Expresso. *Glassy eyed* I went straight to sleep and did not wake up till 2 hours later.

Coincidentally, I misplaced my engagement ring yesterday, while cleaning my room. I still haven't found it, so I am very depressed. *Sobs* Ben comforted me and kept saying that it's OK... but it holds so much sentimental value to me that the thought of it lying alone somewhere (or worse still if it fell down the toilet bowl/into the dustbin) makes me want to bawl.

Oh well... I was momentarily distracted, but I really needed to get back to my sermons today, so I am trying not thinking of my ring. God please help me to stumble upon it quickly... coz I don't think I can bear throwing out my trash till I find it - just in case it has fallen into my dustbin!

Tuesday

2011-03-08T14:08:00.003+08:00

Back to MBTS after a whole week of M.I.A - feasting, shivering in skimpy dresses (don't worry - it wasn't THAT skimpy. The dresses just felt skimpy because the weather was freezing), hanging out with Ben and my friends, traveling and shopping. Mmm... pure bliss.

Boy, the vacation was so good while it lasted. I even began missing school! Now that I am back to school, I feel that my life is moving on. Sooner than I think, I will be leaning on the arm of my dad, walking down the aisle at church, dressed in white and cradling pretty flowers in my hands. And my bridegroom is gonna kiss me in front of the entire church. *squeal* How awesome... :P

I am not even sure how am I to prepare for that day. Honestly. It's like gosh, in 2 months! How time flies.

Today, a thought came to me: I really need to talk to God more. If I don't feel that I can adequately express myself to God verbally, then I should write. Coz I can only have one lifesource - Jesus Christ. Do I spend enough time drawing my life from Him? Am I truly alive today?

Jesus, may my delight in Your goodness
be an everyday affair
Be Thou my strength and portion,
and Your feet, the altar for my cares...

2nd B.I. project in...

2011-03-08T01:37:00.004+08:00

Well, at least the difficult parts of the "Book of Joshua" course is OVER. Praise God.

2 sermon plans to be conjured up by this Friday. And then I will shout TGIF.

Something random... Due to my chagrin toward the crazy rate dust gathers on my furniture, my lack of time for regular wiping of the furniture and yet, my extreme aversion toward dust and filthiness, I am seriously considering employing a day-helper to clean my flat once a week or once a fortnight. It shouldn't cost too much, since my house is pretty small - and I do not have much money (and neither do I have many earthly treasures) lying around to be nervous...hehe. Any recommendations, Penang folks?

Back to blogging after Taiwan

2011-03-07T22:18:00.008+08:00

I am back people! :) I totally missed blogging while I was in cold Taiwan...

Yes, it was very, very cold. I don't know how I survived all those photography sessions. But thank you to my CG members who supported us in prayer while we were there, the few seminary friends who knew I was going and cheered me on while I had to do extra assignments (coz I was going to miss a week of classes) and of course, our dear families (Ben's and mine) who were so joyful for us!

I am too busy with my assignments (again) so I will put up the rest of the photos some other day... *hopefully*

Friday...

2011-02-25T16:39:00.003+08:00

I am 3 days away from Photoshoot #2.

Just met up with my florist's to discuss the quotations for the decos. I am so happy that I am going to be spending much less than what I budgetted for this department. Praise the LORD for helping me to be a good steward. My florist's amazing too. Never have I seen a florist/designer so passionate about his work.

I am gonna rush my assignments again... so perhaps more blogging later.

Thursday

2011-02-24T14:22:00.004+08:00

For the first time, I am not eager for Friday to come. *Glances at watch and wonders if the bloggin' should continue a lil' while more*

Just an update about wedding prep (or anything related to it)...

Yesterday evening, Ben and I went for our final fitting for the photoshoot next week. I tried on all my nice dresses...and to my shock and horror, I've lost enough weight from most parts in the past 2 months so that the dresses could no longer fit on my frame. (What happened to my assets?!???!?) Thankfully, the bridal shop people can alter dresses on the spot! After they put in some stitches here and there, the dresses now look nice on me again. *Phew* :D

It's funny how this works. Usually whenever I want to tone-up or lose some flab to look nice for an upcoming event (say, a prom), it never seems to work! However, whenever I am not particularly looking to lose weight, it always happens somehow. The irony! It happened right before my first pre-wedding photoshoot - whereby I lost weight unintentionally on my Long Lamai mission trip. And guess what? It is happening again before my second pre-wedding photoshoot! Nearly sabotaged my dresses too.

I am still trying to recall what happened in the past 2 months following the first pre-wedding photoshoot. I can only remember that there were alot of feasting - around Christmas, birthday celebrations in November and December, Chinese New Year, my birthday, etc. And I've been watching quite a few movies recently (over the weekends) - which inevitably means popcorn and junkfood. :P So what happened?

Wednesday

2011-02-23T14:30:00.005+08:00

Burned quite a bit of midnight oil last night. I feel bad about it, but I couldn't help it, what with a dateline coming up fast! I do not want to even imagine what the late night did to my eye-bags. My sister warned me that I would have to depend on the powderfool power of concealers next week when I go for my pre-wedding photoshoot #2. I have to sadly accept the fact that she may be true....

I asked myself at 6.30am this morning, while taking a hasty shower: "When do I ever NOT snooze my alarm clock and wake up later than intended?"

Racked my brain upside-down to recall...and still couldn't think of a time when I did not abuse the snooze-button on my phone. Exams could be just a few hours away for all I cared... and my beauty sleep would still matter more. Unless adrenaline courses through my veins (like back in high-school when I was extremely kiasu about my studies and woke up at 5am every morning to do add-maths) or I am extremely unprepared to sit for a major exam, snoozing my alarm clock is my daily ritual. Sometimes I snooze and then dream that I have gotten up, showered and eaten my breakfast. Imagine my exasperation when I try to start my car engine and realize that I am in an unusually horizontal position to drive my car.

What an ideal way to start my day.... NOT!!! :(

Of course there is an exception. I sometimes jump out of bed in the morning, thinking that my alarm clock had rung and I had snoozed it till it could ring no more... and fearing that I would be late for school, I'd shower in a hurry, get dressed... and then just when I am about to go out... my eyes (unblurry after the adrenaline rush) would catch sight of the clock on the wall... and groan. I have woken up as early as 2.30am before. Needless to say, I would go back to sleep, fully-dressed and snooze again the next morning... :P

In the past, my guilty conscience has led me time and time again to bargain... Maybe, I find it difficult to wake up in the morning (or after a nap) because I lack sleep. While this is partially true, it is still not totally relevant. I am known to snooze my alarm clock even in the holidays. It is becoming, much to my horror, a terribly bad habit. O God, grant me the grace to be disciplined! Erm, does anybody know how long it takes to unlearn a bad habit formed over the past 7 years?

Think I'll wait till I am married... and then I will give permission to my husband to splash cold water in my face every morning. Thus saith the night-owl.

I need... a helper.

2011-02-22T14:09:00.004+08:00

I am just done with lunch and would so dearly love a good cup of coffee now...

Random thought of the day: I wish I had a helper clean up my house for me everyday! :P I would be able to worry less about the hair on the floors, the possibility of mould growing undetected somewhere and of course, focus on my work. And, I'd be able to eat off the floors too. LOL.

Unfortunately, I am one of those people who cannot stand uncleanliness and a disorderly house... in a weird, OCD-ish way. BUT, I cannot always bring myself to clean the house... especially when I am so busy with my assignments. (As you can see, I am not your typical multi-tasker kind of girl.) I get squeamish when I come in contact with dirt and dust. I am also known to procrastinate house-work (I simply prioritize other jobs over house-work) - till I absolutely cannot tahan. Then out of anger (at the kekotoran as well as my tardiness), I will kick myself into action. Namely, spring-cleaning.

Once the momentum sets in... TRUST ME. I tell you the truth - the house will be kick ass spick and span, it will smell as wonderfully sterilized as the hospital (mmm...) - and those taps in my bathroom, they will shine like new! :)

Hehe, is anyone willing to pay me to clean my own house? :P I think I need some incentive. If I had all the time in the world to do housework... I would. But on top of my assignments? Gosh, the thought of even lifting the broom out of the store-room makes me shudder. I hate being interrupted in the midst of brainspiration! :D

Ah, wishful thinking.

These are my thoughts at this very moment - as I sit at my dining table, eat my lunch and ponder on how I am to begin my B.I interpretation project on Joshua 3.

Monday

2011-02-21T12:54:00.002+08:00

Gosh, where did my weekend go?

Yups... let's see.

Saturday:
I spent half a day sitting in Ben's cube, doing my Christian Ethics assignments (was so extremely productive - I think it must be because of the quiet and cool environment, plus the coffee machine was so near Ben's cube! LOL)... and then we had CG that evening. Was encouraged by Suan Hui's sharing on Psalm 86. I was so reminded to trust God and rely on His faithfulness, despite my circumstances. Our YACG members had wantan mee supper @ Terengganu Road after CG was over.

Sunday:
Went for the 5pm service, because I had other commitments in the afternoon. After church, Ben and I went over to the bridal shop to check-out our photos taken in Photoshoot #1. Surprisingly, the photos were already very nice without any touch-up!:) I like it that we have 2 photoshoots - so that we can look at the photos taken in the first shoot and decide on what kind of poses, smiles and styles we like, discuss with the photographer and prepare for the 2nd photoshoot... which is next week. Golly-schmolly. So this has to be my 'primping' week! I can't really think of what I should adjust of myself. Masks and exercise maybe.

Self issues...

2011-02-19T16:32:00.005+08:00

Today, while doing my Christian Ethics reading, I was struck by a few thoughts.

First and foremost this: we will one day have to account before God for our stewardship upon earth.

Too often, we emphasize on stewardship of our money, gifts and talents, work, responsibilities etc... but we forget that our bodies are too - part of the gifts God made us stewards over.

This problem applies to many spiritual leaders too. (I have lost count of physically burnt out pastors, as well as those who seem to think that they should work themselves to the bone and deny their need for a healthy lifestyle, balanced diet, adequate sleep and exercise, regular check-ups and holidays!)

Secondly, we often forget that love of oneself flows out from our primary love for God. We are as responsible to love ourselves as we are to love others. I don't mean some narcissistic or other wrong forms of self-love... but more likely - self-acceptance...nurture of our bodies... the delight in pursuing continuous growth intellectually, emotionally and spiritually... the enthusiasm to develop what comes natural to us... the participating in meaningful activities (and hobbies) that contribute to a sense of worth, fulfillment and purpose in life... AND exercising our right to do work that God has given us the passion to do. These may all sound controversial to self-denial - but honestly, can one truly deny oneself to express great love for others from an un-enriched state? Can we joyfully care for others without self-care and coming to grips with our own fragilities?

Can an empty cup further empty itself by giving out water to the thirsty?

We are relational beings. And therefore, I believe this: Only when we are right in our relationship with God and at home with ourselves can we truly form meaningful relationships with others. Thus Jesus summarized all the duties of man in both the Old and New Testament:

"Thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it: Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself." (Matt 22:37-39; Mark 12:30-31)

A rave/rant...

2011-02-19T13:21:00.004+08:00

Today... I have come to a conclusion about the dark circles around my eyes.

I've had 'em since I was a kid. My mum used to see the dark circles as an indication whether I've had enough zzz or not. Imagine her chagrin when they never disappeared regardless of how much sleep I had. Today, the dark circles continue to haunt and vex me.

I think, on top of the common causes (lifestyle-related etiology, pathogenesis and all), I am just too fair. Recently, my sister pointed out that the skin on my forehead is turning transparent... :P You can even see tiny dark splotches near my hair-line when the tiny capillaries burst in my skin. Now, the skin around our eyes are already thin and delicate enough. My skin is very fair and transparent. So the dark circles would show up even more dramatically, wouldn't they?

This is just my hypothesis of course. It is not scientifically proven or EBM. So please don't quote me on it! :P

T.G.I.F!!!

2011-02-18T14:45:00.004+08:00

Yesterday was Chap Goh Mei - the supposedly 'Chinese Valentines' Day'... Ben sent me a picture he had taken of the moon with this message... "Give you a moon, my dear..." :) Sorry if reading this makes you embarrassed. But I thought it was really sweet. Reminds me of the Chinese love song 'Yue Liang dai biao wo de xin...' (The moon represents my heart (my love for you))

Yo, so Friday has finally arrived again! :D I am overjoyed. It has been a tiring, tiring week.

Did not have much time for reflection.

But just yesterday, Pst. Mah said, "Our thoughts are the gateway to our soul..." In other words, our thoughts play a big part in our spiritual well-being - and that is why the Enemy works so hard at sowing doubt, fear and many other kinds of negative seeds in our minds. Reflecting on my thought-patterns for the past year at least, I can see why I am so often emo.

Stressed...

2011-02-17T15:25:00.004+08:00

...about wedding prep. Ah, at last! Stress kicks in! :D

It's about time.

This week, I am stressed about RSVPs, making apartment bookings for my relatives (who will be coming up from KL for the wedding), catering, bridal house final arrangements before bridal shoot #2, etc. Not to mention, tomorrow I am supposed to meet my florist!

On top of all these, I am doing my Christian Ethics presentation tomorrow, final period of school. I am so dead. Haven't prepared my slides yet!!! ARGGGHHHH!!!!

Wants to swim...

2011-02-16T15:31:00.003+08:00

Hawwwtttttt!

I meant the weather of course.

I've got a Christian Ethics presentation to do on Friday... a biblical interpretation project to complete this week... and my conflict dynamics weekly reflection. So I won't be blogging so consistently for the next few days... although I may drop in a note or two.

Dinner with Ben... followed by EFCC/MLM at church tonight.

Tuesday - post VDay..

2011-02-15T14:25:00.003+08:00

Came down with a fever, nausea, dyspepsia, vertigo and chills last night.

Absolutely dreaded the idea of climbing up the MBTS hill the next day (like what if I get chased by the monkeys and faint trying to run uphill???!? I might just roll all the way down to the foot of the hill and get crushed by the tires of an unsuspecting vehicle... boohoo... then Ben Wong might just have no bride this May! @_@")

Anyway, over-active imagination aside...

Praise God, I still managed to wake up, drag myself to the bathroom this morning, gulp down breakfast and drive to school despite tossing and turning the whole night! Guess the Panadol did work quite a bit in the night. Hurray for paracetamol! I was grateful that the roads were exceptionally clear this morning too - thanks to the public holiday. What with all the traffic lights on green (except the one which I am kinda ashamed to admit I beat), I had the best drive to Batu Feringghi ever!!! :) Did feel a little chilly and poorly in class - but now that classes are over, there was nothing much to complain about. I'm definitely taking a nap later.

What did Ben and I do on Valentines' Day? Hmm, nothing outta ordinary! :D LOLx. Coz it's not like our anniversary or something. Ben and I are just not very big on V.Day since it's been so commercialized (plus everyday should be Valentines' Day for us!) However, we went out for Japanese food after work... at Chikuma Restaurant.

When you are alone

2011-02-14T14:33:00.002+08:00

...and I mean alone in your struggles/sufferings...

~ may it be not a wasted moment.

When nobody else seems to be able to relate to us, we are allowed to grieve. But don't stop there. Walk the extra mile, no matter how difficult the first step. Reach out to the unseen divine presence, even when death seems imminent. Grope around for the switch - snap on the lights and it will flood out the grim darkness of your alcove. God and God alone will not deny an ailing child his/her comfort and reassurance. And such lonely grieving will be transformed into private bonding as between two lovers - only this time, between one and his/her Maker - the eternal Lover.

My Lord, my God! May I know You more in my suffering. May my heart be steadfast. May this time of anxiety bear lasting fruits of peace, contentment and faith. In Jesus' name, amen.

The reason behind my 'hiding'

2011-02-12T15:25:00.004+08:00

Ben and I went out for supper with friends, Donald and Michelle yesterday night - two Malaysians who have been working in Dundee, Scotland... for many years by now. One is a cardiologist and the other, a nephrologist.

Since they are back in Penang for Chinese New Year, we decided to meet up with them. We wound up at Kayu's and sat there till about 2am. Chatting about the condition in Europe, how Ben's uni-mates are doing, our wedding preparations, etc. Of course, Donald and Michelle also had to ask me what I would do after I complete my 2nd degree this year. I won't elaborate on what I told them - but I am glad they are so supportive. They even helped me to expand my options! Praise God.

I realized something last night. The actual reason I have been avoiding high-school/college/uni reunions and such. It is not really because I am a little more introverted than I would like to think myself. More than that, I dread trying to answer questions that I do not know how to answer myself. The last time I went for one of these gatherings (Chong-En and Rach's wedding), I received many strange looks.

Most of my former PMC classmates asked me, "So where have you been posted...? (for housemanship)"

Some showed little tact... and made me feel like I had wasted a quarter of my life away and missed out on loads of beauty sleep for nothing. Haha. (No hard feelings... and I don't blame you though.)

Some were surprised but tried to be a little more tactful. "Oh... Wow, you must be having a GREAT life..." when they found out that I was still in Penang, furthering my studies... and not having to be subject to all the horrors of housemanship. Most in this category assume that I will return to clinical work after I've completed my MCS. I did not bother telling them that I actually will not. Unless you, my dear reader, happen to belong to this category - and are now reading my blog!!! :D

Some nodded their heads when I explained that I am doing a degree in theology... and refused to ask more, not knowing how to respond. They did not even proceed to ask me what I am going to do after I am done with MCS. We changed the subject and all went well. Much to my relief.

I became very quiet after a while. Was so, so, so thankful for Ee Ling, who sat by my side all the time - to keep me company while my former classmates discussed their joys and sorrows of work. She even taught me how to reply those unwelcome questions. In fact, we worked out a great template answer! LOL.

Nevertheless, at the end of the night, I was so relieved to get into Ben's car. I have never felt more left-out in my entire life. Honest.

But I still have no regrets about where I am right now. I will indeed arrive in my Promised Land! :) Because God is sovereign.

Friday tomorrow!

2011-02-10T21:09:00.003+08:00

*Smiles in glee*

But this week has been awesome, I promise. Even though I am quite tired by now (early mornings and rather late nights) the encouragement God has given to me about my circumstances through the Book of Joshua has totally lifted up my spirit. Such a timely course to go through in possibly my last term as an active student at MBTS. Such timely words of God received into my heart.

A picture Evelyn Ong tagged me in...Brings me to remember Long Lamai...and the people who showed us so much trust and care :')

Will I ever go back there?

Christian Ethics and Book of Joshua

2011-02-09T16:08:00.004+08:00

I've begun two new classes today. And I've gotta say... I think I already love 'em... :)

Sipping green tea and checking emails after returning home from school, lunch and a round of grocery-shopping at Tesco's. Ah, there's nothing like resting my feet against the cool slabs of floor-tiles of my humble abode, clad in a comfy set of 'home-clothes' - after a long day out. Thank God for a shelter like this - even though it isn't anywhere near grand. It is indeed decked with sentimental value, fruit of many labours of love and God's provisions.

Played piano in chapel service again today, accompanied by Winson's drumming. The touch of the smooth keys and my fingers sweeping over them filled me with awe and wonder of God. It is mesmerizing how He invented 'muscle-memory' so that the fingers of a pianist always seem to have a life of their own when poised over the keyboard - capable of the most intricate maneuvers, knowing where exactly on the keyboard to land even while one's heart worships the Almighty Creator. Although my mind couldn't focus much on the words of the hymn we sang (sometimes, so eager are we, musicians, to appreciate the music that we overlook the words of the songs ~ :P), it already sufficed for me that I could express the overflow of my heart by providing the singing-congregation musical accompaniment!

Here is the lyrics of the hymn we sang in chapel today (written by Fanny Crosby). Indeed, God be praised!

Praise Him! Praise Him! Jesus, our blessèd Redeemer!
Sing, O Earth, His wonderful love proclaim!
Hail Him! hail Him! highest archangels in glory;
Strength and honor give to His holy Name!
Like a shepherd, Jesus will guard His children,
In His arms He carries them all day long:

Refrain

Praise Him! Praise Him!
Tell of His excellent greatness.
Praise Him! Praise Him!
Ever in joyful song!

Praise Him! Praise Him! Jesus, our blessèd Redeemer!
For our sins He suffered, and bled, and died.
He our Rock, our hope of eternal salvation,
Hail Him! hail Him! Jesus the Crucified.
Sound His praises! Jesus who bore our sorrows,
Love unbounded, wonderful, deep and strong.

Refrain

Praise Him! Praise Him! Jesus, our blessèd Redeemer!
Heav’nly portals loud with hosannas ring!
Jesus, Savior, reigneth forever and ever.
Crown Him! Crown Him! Prophet, and Priest, and King!
Christ is coming! over the world victorious,
Pow’r and glory unto the Lord belong.

Refrain

You can listen a Youtube presentation of the hymn here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BB27OjUFZjs

Where, O God?

2011-02-08T22:26:00.003+08:00

Is it a land filled with heart-broken souls

or a village of the poor and oppressed

Where the rich are choked by their own riches

or among Your earnest, praying for rest?

Is it those who refuse to eat what they are fed

or those whose appetites are never satisfied?

Lord, lead me... for I know not

and can neither walk on - till You guide.

Why this CNY feels a little different for me

2011-02-08T14:29:00.003+08:00

Chinese New Year this year feels different somehow.

Perhaps, it is because Zoey has just returned from UK - and I am still getting used to her being in Malaysia after so long. Her culture-shock, her adapting to the hot tropical weather, her new habits acquired in UK, her maturation into a young woman... and her cool stories of travelling around Europe.

Perhaps, it is because I did not collect as many ang-pows as I usually do, having only visited two families... Heeh... Of course that isn't a big deal! But sadly, I did not meet as many relatives this year as I would have liked to. And it does feel a little weird.

Perhaps, it is because my Hu-B-2-B went back to KL with me for Chinese New Year - the first time ever in history! :D (The last time he went back with me was Christmas 2009... and we weren't engaged yet.) My relatives are coming to terms with my new status as 'about-to-be-married'...so as you can imagine, there was quite some discussion going on about us, the wedding in Penang and etcetera. LOL. It was no wonder my CNY felt a little extra-ordinary...I am not used to being at the center of attention - that of my relatives too.

Perhaps, it is because I have a better self-image this year than I did last year. I no longer feel compelled to stuff my face with cookies just to prove to everyone that I am over with my eating disorders... neither do I feel that I ought to restrict myself from eating cookies or splurging on a good meal with my family. And yet I did NOT binge. Amazing huh? Praise God! :)

Back from KL... :'(

2011-02-07T21:34:00.005+08:00

Home never felt this good before...

Zoey is back from UK...

Nice family outings...and makan sessions...

me and my dad

My sister was looking for a new phone/Maxis package...the most basic survival needs back here in Malaysia :P

Ben was tempted to get a new phone... :P

the last day in KL came too quickly...

My wonderful family... :')

My wonderful Ben... :)

Till we meet again... :'(

27 years old

2011-02-01T23:23:00.005+08:00

A year older, I am.

Yesterday marked the first day of my twenty-eighth year on the face of this earth. The celebration this year was again simple, but meaningful. On the eve of my birthday, William, Janet, baby Christabelle, Ben and I had dinner together at the Fisherman's Wharf.

When the clock struck midnight (I was spending the night with Ben's family), I was in my room watching YouTube, unaware of the activity that had been going on outside. Suddenly, I heard sounds that made me feel like I was in the Penan village back at Long Lamai - the beautiful sounds of the hollow bamboo-case (which we had brought back from our mission trip) being hit with a bamboo stick. Except well... the rhythm of the bamboo-hitting wasn't quite Penan-ish. So tickled was I that I laughed. Opened my door to see Ben's mum grinning outside with the bamboo and all...

"Ehhh... come and see what is that..." she urged.

I did not have a clue, neither did I suspect a thing - coz I am now quite used to Ben's mum's cute-ness, humor, amusing surprises and explosions of creativity. I ran into the dim dining room very curious. Was greeted by uncountable candles (I just forgot how many) on a huge cheese cake. The Wongs sang me a birthday song... and I blew out my candles for the year! :)

The next day, I nearly forgot to wake up - was late for lunch with my dear, patient Rachel. But we did have lunch (she did not even grumble at my tardiness, bless her soul!!!) and I really enjoyed the fellowship. The evening of my birthday was spent with Ben at Eighteen's Diner... talking, laughing, eating, loving and photographing. Hehe. After that, we returned to Ben's office. I had a good time sitting in his cube, glad that I could keep him company while he finished off some work for the night.

Today, I had lunch with Joanne (totally appreciate the time we could spend together) before she left for Setiawan... and then I went shopping. Was supposed to buy myself some new clothes - but I just found it so, so hard. Not to mention, I was fickle-minded and indecisive. I only managed to buy 4 pieces of clothing by the end of the night!

Thus ends my birthday celebrations. Tomorrow, I eat lunch with Vanessa... have reunion dinner with the Wongs... and on Thursday, Ben and I will make our way to KL! :)

Sunday humor

2011-01-30T15:54:00.003+08:00

Today Aunty G asked me: "So what are you going to do after you graduate from the BTS?"

Me: I will be a good wife.

Aunty G. to her husband: I wanted to know what ministry she's going to do... and she told me that she would be a good wife.

Aunty G's husband (smiling): Well, that is the most important ministry of all!

Saturday

2011-01-30T15:26:00.002+08:00

Road-trip! - around the western coast of Penang.

Road-trip kaki no. 1 - Suan Hui

Road-trip kaki no. 2 - I mean below... Mr. Ben Wong

(FYI: It is not your imagination that two veins are popping out of my forehead. I am not even sure why. Recently, when I smile in pictures, those two veins grin at the camera too. Maybe the skin over my forehead is thinning.)

More pictures to be posted, as soon as Ben uploads the pictures he took with his DSLR!

The weather was gorgeous. Usually, when we go around the Balik Pulau side of the island on a Saturday afternoon, the sun is burning hot. Yesterday however, we were blessed with cool winds and some clouds to hide the sun a bit without clouding out too much sunshine. We started out with laksa and hokkien mee... went up to the fruit farm for fresh juices... took Suan Hui to visit the Tlk Bahang dam and beach, jetty going out to Pantai Kerachut/Monkey Beach, my seminary (MBTS)... and wound up at Gurney Drive for dinner. It was overall a very relaxed afternoon. I enjoyed the guys' fellowship very much.

Of a crazy dream...

2011-01-28T16:06:00.010+08:00

Galatians 1:1. This verse often sobers me: "Paul, an apostle - sent not by human commission nor by human authority, but by Jesus Christ and God the Father, who raised Him from the dead...."

Since 2004, I've always had an inkling of my life-calling. I remember the one fine day, when Cyn, Esther and I were seated comfortably in the dining room of my student pastor's house at Harold's Cross... Mike Groenewald asked us to go home, pray and think over this question: "If money were not a concern to you... and if nothing tied you down, what or where do you see yourself in 10 years time?"

As young 19-year-olds and 20-year-olds, we laughed. But homework is homework. We obediently went home to pray and ponder on Mike's question.

This was a crazy (and dangerous) question that changed my life. Sometimes, I wondered why God had to make Pastor Mike my spiritual mentor. I wondered why he had to ask us that question right smack in the middle of my medical studies. Why then? Why didn't someone ask me the same question before I went to Dublin? Because my answer to Mike's question was a crazy dream that had nothing to do with what I had in mind when I started out pursuing a career in medicine. Plus I had no idea then - how I was going to reach the crazy dream. I won't say what it is yet... but many of you do know what it is already.

It is approaching 7 years since I presented Mike my jaw-dropping answer. Well, except his jaw did not drop. In fact, he had expected it. Of all the medical students he had been working with (most of the students in the church I attended at Temple Bar, Dublin were keen and focused medical students), he had already discerned that I wouldn't quite achieve the ambition which I thought I had in common with the rest.

God was very merciful. So that I would continue studying medicine till I graduated (despite knowing the truth - i.e. I wasn't ever going to be a clinician), God sent a random prophet and wise church leaders to tell me to be faithful till the season was over. And when the season finally came to a close after 3 years (and I passed my finals by God's grace), God sent me a wonderful man (Ben) to convince me to remain in Penang and work a while at Trinity. While my work contract was coming to an end, Pastor Jeya suggested that I do a theological degree at MBTS. Looking back, I know for sure that I had been sent not by human commission not by human authority... but by Jesus Christ and God the Father, who raised Him from the dead.

Nevertheless, even dreamers grow tired and weary. I know the Bible doesn't mention that Joseph sighed while he was in prison, but I feel that he could well have - because Joseph was as human as I am today. I admit that I have been tired and weary myself. To this day, I still ask myself often if my 'detour' was worth it. Or if I have wasted years away? Or if I had been a fool. A fool for God, yes... but a fool nevertheless. Haha. But well... could Joseph have ever imagined while eating bland prison food and sleeping on a hard bed... that someday, he would be put in charge of the whole land of Egypt by the Pharaoh... and his crazy dreams would then come to pass?

My dream is probably not as huge as Joseph's. I never dreamed of sheaves of grain bowing down to my sheaf of grain... or the members of the Solar System bowing down to me! But my dream is crazy nevertheless. And I believe that if you, my readers, pray to Jesus and think over the same question Pastor Mike asked me, you might receive crazy dreams from God too. Pray, try. The S.H.A.P.E course is a good start to understand your life's purpose. Or else, write down on a piece of paper - your natural talents, spiritual gifts, inward desires to serve God and burdens, fruits, recognition and affirmation especially from those who know you, passions and convictions, what part of serving God fulfills and satisfies you, current circumstances, past experiences and people who have shaped your life and life opportunities...

Having understood your life purpose, can you now dare to dream a big dream that only God can bring to pass if He wills?

Don't worry if you don't get the big picture straightaway - my crazy dream has been filtered and revamped by God so many times, that it is a little different from its original form 7 years ago. Also don't worry if you have dreamt big dreams... and despaired over the fact that you have too little and are too small to reach for it. Because if your dream is bigger than yourself, i.e. too great to achieve on your own, then God has to be the author and perfecter of the dream... according to His will.

Like I said, it has been 7 years since I 'dreamed' the dream, but honestly, anyone that looks at my life can see that if God had not authored the dream ultimately, I would have been classified as delusional and schizophrenic. I look forward to behold what the 10th year brings.

I have a dream. Do you?

Weighing options

2011-01-27T23:10:00.004+08:00

Making life decisions is not an easy thing to do. We feel so... responsible. I don't know about y'all, but weighing options pierces my soul with much unsettledness and stirs up an inner turmoil of emotions. But beginning with an end in mind, we realize that even our best efforts today bear mediocre fruits, unless God intervenes. Therefore ~ yes, we still need to choose - as wisely as possible if I may add. We might well mess up (coz we are fully capable of doing so). But ultimately, God is sovereign and love. And the Great Shepherd mercifully leadeth His sheep unto His abundant pastures.

One thing about marriage which I am fast learning is: it is no longer about me and myself alone when it comes to making decisions - whether day-to-day or mega ones. Taking my now-not-imaginary spouse (and future kids, haha) into consideration when I weigh my options is something that takes alot of practice. I used to think that it would be cumbersome. Ai Hua always says that I am a strong-headed, independent woman. It is true. I am one who takes great delight in hankering after adventures, trying new things and going on journeys with no specific destination in mind - all by myself. However, walking in my own pair of heels today - as a bride-to-be and Ben's wife-in-the-making - it is so totally worth it, even if it means dying to myself often.

Wall resistance...

2011-01-27T14:08:00.007+08:00

Yesterday, while I was doing kicks in front of the TV (as a form of exercise, if you were wondering. LOL), I got distracted... my leg swung in the wrong direction and my foot smashed into the wall. The wall was not damaged, but I stood there for a while, half wincing in great pain and laughing helplessly at myself at the same time. *Bummer*

Thank God my toes haven't fallen off, despite Newton's third law! Miraculously, my foot is OK today. Apart from a teeny-weeny skin tag, there are no other visible aftermath of kicking the wall. But well... I grew wiser by a day and a kick.

Wednesday

2011-01-26T15:38:00.002+08:00

Had breakfast with Ai Hua this morning. What a great catch-up session - what grace God unleashes through amazing friendships like this one! We are relational beings indeed. Can anyone survive without the staple of human fellowship and relationships? Even God saw that it was not good for Adam to be alone. Love... expressed and received... is the elixir of life. It brings out the best in you and me. Love never fails.

Anyway...

I believe that the winter season of my life has passed away into spring. From a cold, stifling silence into a comforting serenity - the quiet in my heart has turned. From trudging in knee-high snow and the uncertain shuffling - my steps are breaking into Chassés. I feel that I have grown stronger... and yet, I have grown less. May Christ keep increasing.

Medical studies, etc...

2011-01-25T14:06:00.004+08:00

I must really thank God for helping me through rheumatology. Thought it was going to be a drag, especially after how I used to always struggle with it back in med school. Surprisingly, I seem to be understanding medicine a lot better now... than I did, back in final med. Concepts which were pretty hazy in my mind then make so much sense now.

I am wondering why NOW... and not before my final exams. Imagine - what if I could regurgitate the stuff I now understand in the face of my examiners three years back. LOL. But then again, Ben suggests that perhaps my brain has matured throughout the years! My memory seems to be improving too - after my nearing-two-years stint at MBTS. Seminary is a good thing, I promise. Even though it comes with a ship-load of assignments and the near-certainty of eye-bags, caffeine-overdose, new reading-glasses, etc. Heh... :)

Truly, praise God for the sudden 'anointing' to study again! Not to mention for the joy I am experiencing while studying. Sigh. It's crazy. God knows why I am doing this. But, I believe that I will understand too someday.

But anyway... it's Tuesday. The week is still young, but time will pass quickly... Let us seize the moment and Carpe diem!

Monday

2011-01-24T14:48:00.002+08:00

Vocal cords have not been too well lately. Ever since I was down with the December flu. So hard to warm-up in the mornings and when I sing, I can't hold my notes. Although I am supposed to have recovered from the flu, I still cough in the morning due to post-nasal drip, have rhinitis and produce alot of sputum. (Pardon the gross details)...

Thankfully, last week's worship leading @ MBTS went OK. And after the past Sunday's stint, it's one more week of doing vocal back-up in Service 2... then I can rest my cords for a while. Hopefully they will get well soon.

Watched Inception yesterday - and I had no idea what was going on most of the time. LOL. Ben said that it is a very brilliant movie. As for me... I think that my mind is either too simple of tired to comprehend the concept.

Had Domino's Pizza with Ben last night to wrap up my eating weekend.

Balik Pulau with our friends

2011-01-24T14:15:00.003+08:00

The Kongs...and Kong Jr. who is 10 months old

Delicious Laksa at this very isolated place... which Ben's dad recommended some time ago

Kong Jr. and Tee (Ern Jie) Jr.

So wanna pinch his cheeks... so cute.

Kong Jr. : "I want what you are playing with..." (plastic, moving catterpillar)

Tee Jr.: "Mummy, he wants my toys..."

Tee Jr. : "He took my caterpillar... thankfully, he hasn't discovered my ball yet..."

Wai Lim and Kong Jr.

Saturday

2011-01-23T01:37:00.003+08:00

Today...

1. Accompanied Ben to work this morning. Had a Sausage + Egg Mc-muffin for breakie. I did my emails, did some medical knowledge revision... and had a good QT.

2. Went to Balik Pulau with Yen Sun, Wai Lim + wife, WL's mum and all the kids... ate laksa. Ate pasembur...

3. Returned home for a short hour of exercise (and then I ate two dinners...*errrrrrp* )

4. Went for CG after dinner #1.

5. Went for supper (dinner #2) after CG. (I am now stuffed to the brim with roti telur and roti canai... Brides-to-be or dieters, sorry if you think I am a bad example :P ~ Saturday is my designated 'Day of Eats'. Plus the company was so worth the face-stuffing.

What contaminates?

2011-01-22T09:39:00.003+08:00

This morning, I read this verse: "Therefore, since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God." (2 Cor 7:1)

How come this verse never seemed as real to me as it seems today?

When I was struggling with eating disorders, why did this verse not make any sense to me? Yeah, I know what contaminates the spirit... but why didn't I see that keeping the body uncontaminated is a vital action of perfecting holiness... out of reverence for God? I believe this doesn't just mean sexual chastity - but it also has got lots to do with how we treat and steward the bodies God has given us as mortal dwellings while we are on this earth and yet away from Him. (2 Cor 5:6) Also what we do while being clothed in these mortal dwellings.

I know I've repented from using laxatives/purgatives before this. My bulimia/anorexia days are long gone. I don't restrict or binge or purge like I used to. However, just like any recovered ED sufferer, I still struggle sometimes... with certain infiltrating thoughts. It is certainly not as before, when I kow-towed to these thoughts and religiously met their demands. "You need to throw-up," they would beg, "...or you will gain another pound tonight." Nevertheless, I am often tempted to compromise. Subtle stuff like, "You ate so much yesterday evening... you can skip breakfast. It is only one meal. It won't matter much." I know that it will not be long before I start skipping two meals and so on... if I compromise the first time. And perhaps, the definition of 'I ate so much' will too change with regards to its qualification.

I am not saying that everyone struggles with the same thing. Former ED-sufferers struggle with different weak points. The Enemy knows too well what is required to trigger a recovered person and lead to relapse, so that she is sucked back into the vicious cycle that used to keep her away from God and from walking victoriously in the calling upon her life. Satan knows that it is probably twice as hard for one to get back on track every time she relapses. However, I always remember the Apostle Paul saying, "Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed that he does not fall." (1 Corinthians 10:12) It is wise to be aware of our weaknesses and thoroughly (and prayerfully) combat triggers that may cause us to fall.

This verse is definitely a good reminder for me to meditate on. What keeps me away from God? What keeps me from walking in a manner worthy of my calling and destiny in Christ? What grieves God's Spirit in me? Our bodies cannot be contaminated without contaminating our soul and spirit as well. All are intertwined as long as we are living human beings on earth... on this side of eternity.

Where can your soul be alone with God?

2011-01-22T01:00:00.005+08:00

The 'Holy of Holies' was innermost chamber of the tabernacle in the Old Testament days which could only be accessed by the Chief Priest alone. If you were a Chief Priest in those days, you must have entered with fear and trembling, because you knew that you had no other agenda than meeting the great I AM and soaking in His Holy presence. There must be no trace of unclean-ness upon you - yes, you were to leave everything outside before you entered. According to what I learnt once (I faintly remember that this has got something to do with the tabernacle - haha, some seminary student I am), a rope was looped around the ankle of the High Priest and someone else would hold on to the other end of the long rope while he entered - just in case he was struck dead in the Holy of Holies and the dead body needed to be dragged out.

Now that we, through the New Covenant, have been initiated into a priesthood whose Chief Priest is no other than Jesus Christ, God invites each one of us to meet with Him privately and regularly in the 'Holy of Holies' where there can be no distractions, nobody to eavesdrop on our intimate conversations (as well as confessions) with God and nothing to interrupt our awareness of God's presence. A place where God can minister to your soul... and where you can confidently and safely deposit the deepest secrets of your soul. Where is your 'Holy of Holies'? Where can your soul be alone with God?

When I had a roommate back in Dublin, my 'Holy of Holies' was in our dining room, where I would meet God way before anyone got up. I would quietly read my Bible and write in my journal. Somehow, the habit of expressing myself to God through writing stuck.

Since I am not a particularly verbal person, writing helped me to fully 'voice' out and crystallize many of my thoughts. I took my journal wherever I went. On buses, in noisy cafes, at the windy harbor... or in a quiet corner of our school library. Writing helped (and still helps) me to keep close to God. Up till today, I still find it the easiest to be alone with God when I am in the private (not to mention beautiful) world of journaling... Strangely, I lose myself in there - and I am hardly distracted by anything that goes on around me then. Sometimes I even forget that I am in a public place, until I catch my face pulling itself into some weird expression, find my eyes wet or suddenly laugh out loud. I can even do my quiet-time at noisy places. Not very 'quiet', definitely...and I do not do this all the time. But hey, it still works for me! My journals are interesting worlds, I feel. Reading them, I marvel at the amount of stuff I have confided in God - the embarrassing, humbling, sad, shameful, guilty, frustrated and furious... But I it is healing to know that God would meet me just as I am - yesterday, today and forevermore. Me, Grace. Today - still geeky, jealous, foolish, obsessed over the wrong things and insecure. But absolutely loved by God, no less... and eager to be transformed.

How about you? Do you have a special 'place' to meet God?

Thursday

2011-01-20T17:07:00.004+08:00

When beauty is more than a dream
when peace holds the heart still
even when the light fails to shine,
fails the essence of life, hope - never will.

Spending time alone...

2011-01-20T14:33:00.000+08:00

A few more pics from Dari Cafe

2011-01-20T13:56:00.003+08:00

...where we celebrated Serena's birthday.

Fuiyoh...look at my triceps! :P

Ai Hua and I...

Tuesday

2011-01-18T15:08:00.002+08:00

I've been taking a great liking to Cosway products recently.

I like it that I am able to browse from a catalog, think and plan what to get (in the comfort of my home too!) instead of my usual fickle-minded browsing the aisles and ending up with alot of unnecessary purchases. Plus, I hate how the sales-people just can't leave me to shop in peace. Not only do they tag along while I stroll around the shop. But always, just when I reach out to touch something, they go, "You can try that on..." or "There is a 20% discount for this row..." when a huge "20% discount" card suspends right before my eyes! It's unbelievable! I usually march out of the shop feeling defeated and frustrated.

Thus saith the anti-social introvert... I am honestly not one of those who are naturally gifted to make small-talk with shop-keepers... Silence is golden ...and a rule when I shop alone. Hehe.

Cosway sells alot of interesting gadgets, creams, toiletries, house-hold appliances, supplements and clothes among other stuff. To be entitled for the special discounts all year round, you need to pay a small fee for an annual membership.

A Monday of a Different Kind

2011-01-17T23:10:00.005+08:00

I usually spend my Mondays brooding alone.... Hehe. Introverts often find it refreshing to spend time alone.

Today was a little different. First, I had an impromptu invitation to a birthday celebration lunch for one of my seminary mates, Serena. Secondly, I received the news that my bro-in-law, James, had been admitted to hospital for a bad ear infection. Last but not least, one of Ben's uncles (we know him as "char kuey teow" uncle, because he is the owner of the best char kuey teow stall at Gurney Drive) passed away last night.

So yeah, I went for Serena's birthday lunch - it turned out to be a very good time. Went home later, did some wedding prep, went to the hospital to visit our James Wong (who was dying of boredom) with the rest of the Wong family and Xu Wen (the girlfriend)... and then Ben sent me home before going for his uncle's wake.

Anyway, the pictures I took at Serena's birthday luncheon are as follows (more pictures from Tracy's and Serena's camera soon):Tracy from China

Tracy and our birthday girl, Serena

Ai Hua and Matthew - the newly engaged couple! :)

David from China

@ Dari Cafe... Korean food. Not bad! :)

My bibimbap

Hmm, how many candles should we put on the cake?

Happy birthday, Serena!

Time to pray for the birthday girl :) - with Matthew leading

Yummy chocolate cake

Sunday

2011-01-17T01:37:00.005+08:00

I don't know why...

but my heart is filled with strange peace

The peace the world does not give...

...but it sure helps me to live

One day at a time,

knowing that this season will someday end

and yet to give way to something new...

It's another glimpse of a greater Plan

than I could have ever imagined

or would ever live to know...

Sabbath Day...32nd monthsary

2011-01-16T14:02:00.010+08:00

A day of rest and celebration for God's faithfulness throughout the week.

Ben and I had blessed 32nd monthsary. Ben's parents, Ben, James (his bro) and I just returned from an amazing one-day trip to KL yesterday. The occasion? Well... part of our preparations for marriage in exactly 4 months time, Ben's parents who hadn't met my dad before yesterday thought that it would be a good time to introduce themselves to my dad. Dad himself initially thought that he would go up to Penang in February/March to visit my in-laws - but it looks like... Ben's parents beat him to it! LOL.

We drove down to KL armed with a large gift-hamper, which my in-laws had thoughtfully insisted on getting - to bless my dad on their first visit to my home...and a love-gift from the family of the bridegroom to the dad of the bride (Ye-a-ah, it felt a bit weird - that I was visiting my own dad together with my in-laws... you get my drift? This is totally not your typical upacara meminang, whereby the parents of the bridegroom visit the family members of the bride - and discuss wedding plans. This time, the bride is visiting her own father with the parents of the bridegroom! Hehe...) Dad and his two older siblings met us at Gao Ren Guan restaurant in SS15 for lunch. After lunch, we all headed home for the 'discussion' I had much dreaded. Hehe.

Turned out, it wasn't at all dreadful - as I had expected (moral of the story: don't watch too many TVB/Korean/Singaporean dramas or take everything people tell you for granted - and so scare yourself). I had tortured myself all the way back to KL, imagining the worst case scenario - what if: everyone ends up shouting at the top of their voices, arguing about the dowry... then a crazy relative of the bride dislikes the bridegroom, and decides to make things extra difficult for him to marry the bride by demanding a costly dowry... etcetera. Subsequently, what happens if the bridegroom decides that the bride is not worth all that trouble - and changes his mind... Slamming his fist on the table, he says, "Suan le ba..."

Of course, it was my melancholic nature playing up and conveniently allowing my brain to run loose with messed up, bizarre imagination! As you would have probably guessed, I had been pretty stressed out about this trip in the first place.

My relatives and dad were so hospitable to my in-laws and the conversation that took place between both 'parties' so gracious - that I became skeptical myself. LOL.

There was not even a single mention of who-should-pay-for-this-and-that. The parents on both sides just agreed that they would help us as much as they can (if we needed) to get ready for our holy matrimony. And lovingly accept us as part of the family.

Thought that my eyes and ears were playing bad tricks on me.

When we finally left my home and waved goodbye to Dad and my relatives, I let go of the breath I didn't realize that I had been holding. Heaved a sigh of relief... and thanked God profusely from the bottom of my heart for His gift of grace and great faithfulness to Ben and I.

We wound up at IKEA for some furniture-shopping and a sumptuous meal before we drove back to Penang.

Thank you to the few of you (you know who you are!) who have been praying for us and the trip.

Yet another "resolution"

2011-01-14T10:46:00.004+08:00

I have decided to spend some time each day revisiting baby Kumar and Clark. LOL. It's a pocket-sized (although too thick to fit into my pocket) book containing the essentials of clinical medicine. Thought since I am now approaching the third year since I graduated from med school, I'd better refresh my knowledge.I have been quite reluctant to do this for some time already... However, yesterday, when I picked up my pocket K&C, and those familiar words I have been ruminating on for quite some years back in med school greeted me... I felt a strange tug in my heart. And then I thought... "Perhaps the anointing is here... Better get into revision before I miss the 'moment'!" Hehe.

So there... I hope to cover the entire book in a year's time... latest.

Twelve most important things/events to me in year 2010

2011-01-13T20:32:00.024+08:00

Some late-bloomer I am. Nevertheless, to pace and brace myself for what this year will bring, I was inspired by Pst. Richard to reflect on the twelve most important things to me in year 2010... So here goes my list - from the most recent - back...

1. CHRISTMAS 2010

This year's Christmas was meaningful to me because I felt very challenged to recommit my life to walking closely to God.

Christmas dinner with extended CG members

2. BRIDAL PHOTOSHOOT NO. 1

It was memorable because it happened 3 days after I came back from my mission trip - itching from sand-fly and mosquito bites... It was also our first photoshoot together ever... an interesting experience that brought Ben and I much closer to one another. The photos are gonna remain top secret for a while more... I will keep them for another post someday! :)

3. LONG LAMAI (SARAWAK) MISSION TRIP

An awesome trip indeed... Made new friends, saw God's hand at work among the Penans, had the privilege of serving God with my life...

4. LYDIA'S VISIT TO PENANG

Gosh, thanks for being such an encouragement to me, dear!

5. SINGAPORE TRIP NO. 2 - SEPTEMBER 2010

Was invited to attend a women's conference organized by the women's ministry of Grace Baptist Church, Singapore. Amazing time.

Had dinner with Natalie :)

Met up with Laura jie and Ewan... and their new born baby - Hannah Grace

6. IN LONDON, CARDIFF AND BATH WITH ZOEY

One of the best vacations ever... and it was wonderful to spend a week with my dear lil' sister in UK.

Had a lot of bonding time...

7. ETOP (POLAND MISSION TRIP)

The locations we were at...

Studied for one-and-a-half weeks... at the Warsaw Baptist Theological Seminary...

To the South

To the north

8. BEN'S U.S TRIP AND OUR 3 MONTHS APART (which seemed like forever)

Sending him off was the hardest thing to do... :S

... but thank God, He made our 3 months apart colorful. On my side....

...an old friend from Dublin, Maeve, came to visit me in Penang...a high-school mate, Leigh Lyn, came to visit...School went on as usual...I continued teaching piano to pass time... (also because I wanted to teach la!)My faithful Sunday after-church-lunch buddies... Louise and Wei Nin... both of them later graduated from med school and left for Sarawak *sobs*

Went out a little more with Sau Chan

Got bored during the long nights... therefore I fixed up a computer desk from Tescos all by myself. Made up my mind by the end of 3 hours of sweat and blood (literally) that I am not cut out to be a good carpenter... :P - but thankfully, the desk did get put together......and wonderful friends to bring me joy...

9. HE PROPOSED! I AGREED TO MARRY HIM

This happened right before he left for the States...

10. SINGAPORE TRIP NO. 1 - JUNE 2010

Another superb vacation.... met up with alot of people... and stayed in Ji's little room as usual...Above: Serena and I

Had lunch with Aunty May Ling, who is very much a spiritual mother to me...

Above: Ji - in Chinatown.../ Below: Valerie, Sophia and I

11. EASTER WEEKEND BAPTISM FOR BEN'S PARENTS AND BRO

Indeed, in God, all things are possible.

12. EFCC CONFERENCE

It was a very educational conference for me, with regards to serving God in Malaysia, missions, impacting the community and cities, etc. Broadened my perspectives it did. Also, it was my first time writing a conference theme song. Praise God for inspiration of lyrics and music.

The only way to live...

2011-01-13T20:09:00.002+08:00

... is to first die.

Mid-week and a reflection on the cross...

2011-01-12T15:50:00.007+08:00

Two more days before Ben's family and I journey toward KL - and meet up with dad....

*jeng, jeng, jeng* :P (sorry couldn't help putting in the sound-effects - it was too hard to resist... Hehe!)

MLM training tonight at church. Spiritual formation and Community duty tomorrow @ MBTS. Meet up with the florist on Friday. Above all, I'm gonna try to turn in my week's assignments before Friday is up.

It's a busy week all right. I will get busier still as the term goes on... toward my wedding. But I feel more alive now than I did last year... even with all the bending, stretching, chipping off of unwanted bits and pieces, chiseling... Perhaps what they say is true ~ taking up the cross sounds harsh and unpleasant... and subjecting ourselves to the Potter's hands which mould us, imperfect vessels of clay, sounds intrusive indeed. However when we surrender to these, we are set free from the disturbing dissonances within us that come from wrestling with the gentle yet persuasive promptings of the Holy Spirit... as He bids us to leave behind our old selves more and more (whatever is necessary - be it giving up old sins, taking up new challenges, releasing control of our lives unto God, choosing His way, etc). Yes, we are set free. This is the power every child of God is entitled to receive when he or she yields to His Spirit. We dare not at times... but when we glimpse the immense beauty of the transformed life, we timidly wish for such transformation - except that it may not be quite as painful.

At one junction of my life, I was there with my Eating Disorders, wondering if I would ever proceed... if there was such a thing as freedom from EDs... if there is truly healing in taking up the cross...

picture source

Now that I have discovered the resounding "YES" to the above questions, I am at another junction of my life with some other struggles that have yet to be worked on. I will not lie and say that I am great at taking up the cross. Sometimes, the hardness of its 'wooden frames' bruises my shoulders and the cross feels too heavy for words... so I (being your typical hedonist in nature) yield to the temptations to set it down for a bit. I always cringe at the slightest pain and open my mouth to pour out copious complaints! (And I am wondering how I'll behave during childbirth...May God give lots and lots of GRACE!) But dear friends, thank you for inspiring and encouraging me (in different ways) to deny myself and take up the cross again. Yes, please kindly continue to motivate me. I will need and appreciate it.

Christ... first took up the cross. While we share in His sufferings today, He will make us more than overcomers.

So don't lose heart.

Tuesday ~ sFirst day of school, 2011...

2011-01-11T14:22:00.008+08:00

Breakfast table.... at six something in the morning...

My yummylicious honey-almond cereal with soy milk and supplements...

I've started with 'Conflict Dynamics' classes this week - with Mrs. L - and it has been good learning so far. It helped me to examine myself, really.... because every conflict begins with ourselves.With our hearts sensing threat toward our held values, desires, goals or habits...whether from external sources or the dissonance caused by new ideas. Yet, any conflict can be an opportunity to s-t-r-e-t-c-h oneself and grow in leaps and bounds.

All in all, first day of school was thankfully delightful.

Some random thoughts...

I was reading somewhere (I forgot where) a few days back that many of us often separate 'spiritual' activities from 'non-spiritual' activities. For example, reading the Bible is deemed more spiritual than enjoying good music... going for church meetings is more spiritual than meeting up with friends for a meal... working in church is more spiritual than working in the corporate world or picking up after active kids at home as a house-wife. As a result, we get Christians sadly living in two separate worlds - the church world during weekends and the non-church world during week days. There are even ministry workers who have neglected their wives and children for ministry to others - which is considered much more important than spending time at home. We often forget that God is always present... Whenever that happens (think: while driving among reckless and annoying drivers on the road, when our days are filled to the brim with mundane chores, when we are cranky, snappy, PMS-ing or about to fall into sin; etc. *guilty, guilty*), we live and act and speak as if God were not around!

I admit that I too often forget that God watches over me every moment of my waking hours (as well as those when I am fast asleep). If we are spiritual beings, shouldn't everything we do be spiritual, if not divine? Washing dishes, doing laundry, emptying the trash-bin, driving, comforting the bawling children, eating, working, exercising in the gym, sleeping, etc - all these are some of the necessary activities which we can still carry out with our human bodies while we are away from our Heavenly Father. If we are aware of the continuous presence of God, shouldn't we carry them out as our spiritual acts of worship?

For Romans 12:1-2 says, "Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect."

In other words, should we not carry out our daily activities in these earthly bodies we live in, with a different kind of attitude from that of the world - seeing that God has graciously given us new lives in Christ and the constant presence of Himself? Indeed, He will be with us to the very end of age. Emanuel! This is the Almighty, sovereign God who does not divide Himself and give everyone one part of Himself - but He gives Himself fully... to each and everyone of us who put their hopes in Him.

I have decided ever since, that I will try to bear God's constant presence in mind this year - as I go through my daily activities (be it assignments, housework, driving in Penang, etc), because it is ultimately that which gives perfect peace.

Monday...

2011-01-10T21:33:00.003+08:00

Imagine... tomorrow morning I will be again driving along the roads that lead me to Batu Feringghi. And stuck in the usual morning traffic jam. *Shudders*

Time is flying. In 4 days time, it will be another monthsary for Ben and I ~ and just another 4 months to us getting married! Gosh... we haven't sent out the invitations yet. *Panic*

This Saturday, it's in-laws-meet-my-dad in Kay Elle. *Gulpppp* I am kinda nervous. Hehe...We will be traveling to KL early in the morning, having lunch with dad (and maybe a few relatives)... and then making it back to Penang later that evening.

Today, I didn't get much done...but it was a gloriously simple day of rest. Slept-in the whole morning (dunno why I was so tired), had lunch, went vitamins-shopping and grocery-shopping in the afternoon, tidied up the house a little, did some exercise in front of the telly, ate dinner... and did QT.

Prayed - and felt a sense of relief somehow when I remembered something I read somewhere - about how God hushes and interrupts the Heavenly proceedings to listen to the prayers of the saints coming up from the earth. It's a wonder how God can make out who is calling upon His name every time... And yet He does!

Gonna spend some time reading - and then it will be time for bed.

Burger King with Ben

2011-01-10T15:14:00.004+08:00

The pictures say it all. I love dates.

Ben made a remarkable statement yesterday: "I enjoy eating with you, dear... Coz you look so happy when you eat..."

Hehe.... Praise God... for so much healing in my EDs that I no longer make meal-times miserable for others like I used to. Also ~ that I can be adventurous with my food nowadays.